The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Shopping - full transcript

Back in the '80s,

before you could buy anything you
wanted with a click of a mouse,

shopping was more
of a contact sport.

And no one
was better at it than my mom.

Remember, dented cans
are 50% off.

I made it easy for you.
They're all dented.

Now they're all dented.

I don't care
if it is a misprint.

This ad says that
that lawn mower is $9.99,

and I am not leaving
until you honor this price.

There was no bargain too small,
too large,



or too dangerous
for Beverly Goldberg.

I'm not exaggerating.
This really happened.

- Mom, they're slipping!
- Don't you dare let go.

Use the tag!
Hold on tight!

It's ripping!
It says "Do not remove"!

Dad, slow down!
We can't hold them.

No. Speed up. They'll stabilize
at a higher speed.

This isn't worth it!

They were buy two, get two free.
It's totally worth it.

Pumpkin.

Big news
about the winter formal.

Found a great price
on that dress you wanted.

Is it behind this picture
of a dress I don't want?

Seriously, I don't want
some crappy knockoff.



- Dad, little help?
- Here's all I know about fashion.

- I like blue. That's it.
- Then let me explain how it works.

You have to spend money
to look nice.

Or you could grab some of
the old dresses in your closet,

cut 'em up, and make a new one
in the current style.

Like, um, that movie with, uh,
the girl with the face.

Mom, he's upsetting me.

- You should go.
- I'll go.

Look at these prices,
Erica.

It's gonna be so much fun.
Discount barn, here we come.

No! No discount barn
or huts or warehouses.

I'm tired of always asking
you guys for money.

- I'm getting a job.
- A job? You're just a child.

I can't have you losing a foot
in a forklift accident.

Forklift?

Patty Newsome's son
got his foot crushed

his first day
at the lumberyard.

He'll never bike through Europe now.
Is that what you want?

Brenda said she could get me
a job with her at Gimbels, okay?

I'll finally have my own money.
Plus, I get a big employee discount.

That magic word was
all my mom needed to hear.

Well, who am I
to stand in your way?

That settles it.
You're getting a discount.

Job.
You're getting a job.

I'm just so happy for us.

You.
I'm happy for all of us.

Oh. Discount.

Season 1, Episode 10
"Shopping"

It was
November 19th, 1980-something,

and like every afternoon,
i was spending quality time

with my good friend Nintendo.

Come on, slugger. Let's hit the track.
The ponies are waiting.

One sec. I'm so close to winning
"Zelda," I can taste it.

Six months of hard work
is about to pay off.

You know what I did in six months?
Win World War II.

I get it! You lived
a rich life! Enough!

I'm sorry. I'm under
a lot of pressure here.

This game is all I have.

Guess whose life
sucks a big sack of marbles.

- Just guess.
- All right, Barry, what now?

First period,
backpack rips open. Bad luck.

Second period, I fail
my pop quiz. Super bad luck.

Third period gym, we're playing
basketball, and a bird dooks on my face.

He dooks on my face!

Actually, when a bird goes
poo-poo on you, it's good luck.

Oh, really? Well, after school, I asked
Jen sperling to the Winter Formal,

and she told me Ryan Corbett just
asked her two minutes before me.

I don't just have bad luck.
I have Barry luck.

Why don't you come to the track
with us?

Pops, don't do that.
He's a jinx.

Shut up! I'll blind you
with my fists!

- But he's right. I'm the worst.
- Stop talking that way.

All you need
is a positive attitude,

and you'll find your luck's
as good as anyone's.

- You think?
- I know.

You're sitting
on my bagel bites.

What?

Damn it!

Stupid Barry luck!

Thanks for coming.
Come back soon.

How are we doing over here?

Terrific. Just sold an extended
warranty for a basketball.

Nice work, Erica. You keep that up, and
pretty soon, you'll be wearing this vest.

Well, not this exact one.

- There's a different style...
- For the ladies.

Just to be clear,
I'm not hitting on you.

Okay.

There's my little worker bee.
Buzz, buzz.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Just wanted to come by and see
my daughter on her first day of work.

Oh. And while I'm here,
I picked up a couple of essentials.

Some fiddle faddle...

Videotapes for Adam,
a clapper for dad so he can...

Turn the lights off
from bed,

cologne for pops...

And an athletic supporter
and cup for Barry. Look at this.

I'm Darth Vader.

Erica, I am your mother.
Give me your discount.

Oh, but seriously,
give me your discount.

I've only been here an hour.
I'm not even sure how that works.

The discount policy extends to
the employee's immediate family,

and that's me.

- How do you even know that?
- Well, I took a look-see

inside the employee lounge
and checked out the handbook.

Ugh. Fine. I'll give you my discount, just
as long as you stay out of the lounge.

- Okay.
- With the discount...

- It comes to...
- $17.10.

And... damn it, I'm good.

Mom...

I'm so proud of us.

And down
the stretch they come...

Yes! Yes! Move your ass! Move it!
Move it! That's it!

- Yes, yes!
- No! Son of a bitch!

Damn it!

The one day I wear
a ketchup-colored shirt!

Come on. I got an idea.

Hey, Barry.
Barry, wait up.

I lost three in a row, pops.
Can we just go?

Why would we go?

You didn't lose that race.
You won.

- Really?
- Really?

Really. When I placed your bet,
I also picked the trifecta,

then boxed the quinella,
and wheeled the exotica.

That means you win
for coming in last.

- That doesn't make any sense.
- Of course it does. It's like in golf.

The person who gets
the lowest score wins.

That does happen in golf!

You just won yourself
20 bucks.

- Now that's Barry luck.
- Chili dogs on me, baby!

Told you I had a plan.

Where's the snack bar?

While pops was making
Barry's life better,

over the next week, my mom continued
making Erica's a living hell.

This is the last outfit left
in Adam's size,

so I'll just bring
the mannequin back tomorrow.

Mom, this is the fourth time
you've been here this week.

Actually, it's the fifth.
I came in on your day off,

and Randy let me use
his discount.

I don't wanna
get in trouble.

Donald said I'm being considered
for assistant manager.

Oh, my God.
That would be amazing!

According to the handbook,
you'd get another 10% off.

Mom, you're not listening.

And you're not making
with the beep-bop-boop.

I'm sorry, honey.
I've gotta speed this along.

- I've got lunch plans.
- You can't be back here.

It'll just take a minute.

You're messing with my drawer.
I have a system!

Thanks, poopie.

- Yeah, we need to talk.
- I know, I know.

Look, you've become a really special
member of the Gimbels family.

Technically, your mom is
allowed to use your discount, but...

- In my heart, it just feels wrong.
- I get that.

You get that if you don't get
rid of her, I will fire you?

I didn't get that.
But now I do.

Good. Make sure
we get the mannequin back.

Erica knew someone had to go,
and it wasn't gonna be her.

So when my mom came in
the next day, she was ready.

Here you go. Four snow pants,
four parkas,

three sets of mittens,
and of course, fiddle faddle.

And it practically all pays for itself
with my employee discount.

Have I told you that
you're my favorite child?

I'm gonna say it
at the dinner table tonight.

I literally love you
the most.

- Bye, sweetie.
- Bye.

Sorry, ma'am. We're gonna need
to go through your bags.

Oh. Of course.

You know, I come here
all the time.

It's just standard procedure.

I honestly... don't know
how that got in there.

- Can you come with me, please?
- Why? I didn't take it.

I don't even wear white diamonds.
It's not my signature scent.

- Come on.
- Don't put your hands on me!

- I have rights.
- We don't need to make a scene.

Erica! Call Mr. Gimbel.

Tell him one of his best customers
is in trouble and needs his help.

I'd rather not get involved,
ma'am.

You. I've been framed.
She framed me with snow pants.

Oh! Please hold on to my merchandise
until I can get this sorted out!

Now that Barry's luck had changed,
he was sure it was contagious.

I'm on fire, baby!

That was all me.
I scored that goal.

What are you talking about?

My awesome luck's going right
through the TV and into the Flyers.

That's true. Whenever something good
happens, we call it Barry luck.

Is that what you called it when he bit into
his own hand at dinner the other night?

That's old Barry.

You ate all the fiddle!
It's all faddle now, you moron.

Hey, kiddo. How was work?

Good. Good.

Another day, another dollar.

- You...
- You gave me no choice.

You were using me
as a human discount.

Who has their own mother
arrested? Who does that?

And to think I almost
bought you snow pants?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right, what's going on here?

Your own daughter had me
hauled off to jail.

It was the mall security office
next to the Orange Julius.

It was jail.
It was small and stuffy,

and they took a very
unflattering Polaroid of me.

Look at it. Look at it.

- Look at it.
- Eh...

Wait. Did you steal that?
You were there for stealing.

I was providing this family
with the essential items

that make
this household run,

like food, clothing,
fiddle faddle.

That's what I do.
Tell her, Murray.

He agrees with me. You framed the woman
who gave birth to you. Bravo.

Damn it!

Murray... Go to your room while
I figure out your punishment.

I'm 17. You can't just
send me to my room.

Oh, I can, and I will,
and I just did.

It's my job
as your mother.

Job? Please. You've never
had a job a day in your life.

You're just a mom.

It had been three days

since Erica questioned my mom's
entire reason for being,

so Beverly Goldberg did the only
reasonable thing she could think of.

She went on strike.

Hey, honey.

Uh, just talking with the boys, and
we were kind of wondering where we are...

On tonight's dinner situation.

Ooh. I just made myself a delicious
piece of teriyaki salmon,

but, uh, oh, I think there's
cold cuts in the fridge.

Look, Bevy, I know
you're trying to make a point here,

but it's been three days.

I had to wear
my tuxedo shirt to work!

Yes, I did look like
Roger Moore,

but don't you think it's time
you called off this fight?

There's no fight.
All that happened

was my daughter gently suggested
that my life is meaningless.

Oh, here's our little angel
now.

If you have a problem,
you should take it up with her.

- What?
- You know what.

You broke mom.

While my mom and Erica
continued their battle,

my battle with "Zelda" was about
to come to a glorious end.

Okay.
Don't touch anything in there.

I'm about to win "Zelda."

I gotta grab my video camera
and record this moment.

'Cause it's literally
the biggest day of my life.

Well, who's Zelda?
Your... your girlfriend?

No. It's the game I've been
playing for the last six months.

It's all I talk about.
Were you even listening?

I think you answered
your own question there.

Don't let anyone
near the TV!

Oh, my God, it's happening!

Dad. You won't believe
the day I had.

First I aced my math quiz.
"B" minus.

Then bio lab got flooded,

so we had class
in the quad,

where a bird
did not crap on me.

Then after school,

Jen Sperling asked me
to the dance,

'cause her date got...

♪ Viral meningitis...

Oh, good for you. Bad for him.
But good for you.

His brain is swollen!
Everything's coming up Barry.

Barry was on a lucky streak,
and I was gonna pay the price.

I was one button click away from
winning "The Legend of Zelda."

Unfortunately, I wasn't the one
who got to click the button.

See that?
I literally can't lose.

No, no! No!

What did you do?!

You stupid, stupid man.

Dude! What's your problem?

I've been playing that game
for six months!

And I beat it
in six seconds.

Guess that's just
Barry luck.

You're not lucky. You didn't win
a single race at the track.

I won the exotica!
You just don't understand golf.

You don't understand
anything.

No one wins
for coming in last.

Pops made it all up.

What?

Pops would never screw with me
like that. Tell him.

You can win tons of money
for coming in last.

That's right! And one day,
you'll ride a unicorn,

and you'll live in a house
made of candy.

Just to be clear...
you won't.

And just like that,
Barry's lucky streak ended.

You okay?

Yeah. I...

Finally made enough money to buy
the dress I wanted at work,

and apparently,
taffeta melts.

Apologize to your mom.

- Dad...
- Not just for you, but for me, too.

There's no food in the house.
Today I had to eat an apple.

I'm not gonna apologize to mom
because you had to eat fruit.

I know your mom
gets carried away,

but everything she does,
she does for this family.

It's her job.

And she doesn't get
any employee discounts,

and all her customers...
Jerks! Every one of 'em.

You may not wanna do what
your mom does when you grow up,

but you gotta learn
to respect it.

After learning
pops had tricked him,

Bad luck Barry set out
to get his revenge.

Thanks for agreeing
to bring me back here, pops.

I'm on such a lucky streak,
figured I'd let it ride.

Mm. Well, what'll it be,
kiddo?

There are some great odds
on Semi-Charmed.

Mm. No. I'm gonna bet
Colonel Seymour.

Colonel Seymour?
He's 40 to 1.

You could jump on my back,
and we'd beat him.

Well, with Barry luck, I can't lose,
'cause I'm Barry and I'm lucky.

Right? Right?

Here's all the money
to my name...

Birthdays, allowance, money
I stole from Adam... bet it all.

I don't think you should
make this bet, kid.

Why not? I mean,
you told me I'm lucky,

and it's not like my grandfather would
lie to my face for a week straight.

Right?

Right?

- So I'm guessing you know.
- Yeah, I know! Adam told me everything.

I'm a completely jinx,
and you know it.

Kiddo, you just had the week
of your life, and you know why?

'Cause you were thinking
positive for a change.

Yeah, 'cause thinking positive
got me a hot date,

good grades,
and stopped my night terrors.

Yes! Look,
there's no such thing as luck.

It's all about betting
on yourself.

That's when things
really change.

Guess it was a good week.

So, uh,
you're still gonna bet

on this crazy long shot
Colonel Seymour?

Nah. I think I'm gonna
sit this one out.

And the winner is
Colonel Seymour by half a length.

Pops, how much
would I have won?

Somewhere in the neighborhood
of $4,253.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What are you doing out here?
- Had to get out of that stinky house.

It smells like
a diaper fire.

Wow.
These are comfortable.

"Comfort spring technology."

Look, I was pissed.
I shouldn't have said all that.

I know what you do
is a job.

You know, when I was younger,
I was really good in school.

I got straight A's.
I was a real good arguer,

and people used to say, "Beverly
Solomon, you should be a lawyer."

That wasn't my dream.

My dream was to have a family.
My dream was this.

- You're really good at it.
- But it's not for everyone.

You want different things out
of life, and... that's okay.

You sure?

Honey, you are a pain in my ass,
and you never listen to a word I say,

but the way you had me
booted out of that store...

You're gonna make
a great assistant manager one day.

I'm sorry I got you sent
to mall jail.

I'm sorry I got carried away
with your discount.

I know I get crazy when it comes
to shopping. I will try to work on that.

- No, you won't.
- I really won't.

Listen, I need your help.

I kinda ironed my dress.

Honey,
you don't iron taffeta.

It's okay.
Mama will fix it.

Here you go, sweetie.
Made your lunch.

- Have a good day at work.
- You, too.

Yeah, in my family,
we yelled and swore

and sometimes framed each other
for petty crimes,

but under all that crazy,

we were always there
to support each other.

"Zelda II"?! Seriously?!

I saved some money
at the track. Come on.

Let's go play.

Aw, look
at my delicious little boy!

Lucky guy.

She looks amazing.

- How'd you fix her dress?
- Easy. I just bought her a new one.

And every now and then, we even made each
other's lives just a little bit easier.

What is this?

Figured it was our turn
to make you dinner.

Oh, my gosh.
That is so sweet!

So exciting.

Tough on the top and has
a jelly coating on the bottom.

Is that baking soda?

Why don't I just
whip something up?

- Thank God.
- Perfect.

I love you guys.

Look what I swiped from
the security office at work.

You can't detain me!
I have rights!

I almost went to Law School.

I am a female woman, and I am
being held against my will.

♪ Nobody knows

♪ the trouble I've seen

This prison can't hold me!

Let me out!

You may have caged my body,
but you have not caged my mind!

Do you think this is funny?
I know what you're doing back there.

I can see you!

You will not break my spirit.

How long was she
in there?

12 minutes.

Please don't do that now.
Don't do that.

Well... that's a nice sweater.
Where'd you get that?