The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Circle of Driving - full transcript

Under the watchful eye of an eleven-year-old boy's video camera, the Goldbergs face the challenges of life in the 80s, including two new teenage drivers and a grandfather who shouldn't be ...

Show me
wax on, wax off.

Man, I loved the '80s.

It was the age of E.T.
Mr. T., and MTV.

Back then,
the world was still small.

No cell phones
or internet or twitter.

Your friends
lived on your street,

and your family were the people
at your dinner table.

If you were assuming
these smiley people

were my family, they're not.
This is my family.

This is how
I remember the '80s.

There were no
parenting blogs,

or peanut allergies;
just a whole lotta crazy.

Ah, look at
that little geek.

Yep, that's me,
Adam Goldberg.

We were the first
on our block

to get a video camera,
and I used it

to record my entire

I'm home!

The man parking his pants
at the front door,

that's my dad,
Murray Goldberg.

TV's mine!

Ever since
his last heart attack,

he became determined
to exercise, eat better,

- And not yell so much. It wasn't working.
- Stop with the camera!

My super-friendly
sister Erica.

She loved to talk
to people, just not us.

Adam, what the hell?
I'm gonna crimp your face.


Barry Goldberg,
textbook middle child,

and classic

You're a liar, Simon!
You are a liar!

Stop videotaping!

And finally,
my overbearing "Smother,"

Beverly Goldberg.

A homemaker,
a ball breaker,

who found the time
to stay fit,

raise the kids,
and drive us all insane.

Yeah, we were the family
that yelled and cursed,

but to this day,
we still love each other.

This is my family...

September 3, 1985.

It began as a typical morning
in the Goldberg house.

You don't know anything.
He's not too old for me.

He's in college, Erica!

Wrong. He dropped out
to start a band.

Don't you feel
stupid now?

Mom, they don't zip.

Can you help me with this?

Oh, look at you.

Oh, why go shopping when your
sister's jeans fit you so perfectly?

Fit me perfectly?
They're horrible.

They're roomy in the hips
and tight in the front.

I look like
Brooke shields.

And she's beautiful.

Look, you need
to be grateful,

because one day, I won't
be here to help dress you.

You keep sayin' that,
but when?

As always, my mom
began the day

by dressing us,
feeding us,

and ignoring any sense
of human boundaries.

Where's my baby?

Happy birthday. What do
you want for breakfast?

- Privacy!
- Oh, please.

Don't forget
to wash your bottom.

Barry was in
a rare good mood.

He was turning 16,

a day he'd been
waiting for his whole life.

It's jingling.
It's keys.

Keys means car, car means
freedom from all you monsters.

I love you, mom.

What the hell is this?

It's a locket.

It's got my picture
inside so you can

always have your mother
near your heart.

Sweetie, you're just
not ready to drive.

You're too immature, and quite
honestly, a little high-Strung.

I am not high-Strung!

I'm strung just fine, like
a tennis racket or a banjo-

You know,
I think it's great,

'cause all the cool guys
in my grade,

- They have mom lockets.
- Hey!

- All of 'em.
- don't poke the bear, all right?

You don't wanna
wear it, fine.

- I'll throw it in the trash.
- Go ahead.

- Here I go.
- do it.

- Go ahead.
- Gonna go in the garbage.


You were gonna let me
throw this in the trash.

Totally irresponsible.
You're not driving.

Oh, god. Dad, please talk
some sense into your wife.

She saying some pretty
Controversial things over there.

I agree with Whatever
nonsense your mother just said.

Come on,
this is not fair.

Who the hell told you
life was fair, ya moron?

Dad's colorful
way of speaking

may seem a bit harsh;
it really wasn't.

You just had to learn
how to speak Murray.

It's 2:00 A.M.

I thought you were dead.
I could kill you.

You broke it.
It's amazing.

You little bastards
ruin everything.

For someone so smart,
you sure act like an idiot.

All right,
stop your pouting.

I got you something,

and I think
you're gonna like it.

Reo speedwagon?

This is top 40!

You don't know me at all.

I'm into rap, the poetry
of the streets. Come on!

No, no, I talked to
the guy at Sam Goody.

He said it was
a hip track.

Well, did you talk
to Sam Goody himself?

Huh? Did you? No. You
talked to a random jag-off

who knows nothing
about real music.

You weren't there, okay?

The guy had an earring,
he had a Jean jacket,

covered in buttons.

Don't get your father
all worked up.

I'm already
all worked up.

- Honey...
- Calm down, breathe. I'm breathin', okay?

You're killing your father. I hope
you're having a happy birthday.

Barry had one last visitor,
my grandfather, pops,

who was 80 years
of pure awesome.

I hear someone turned
16 and could use a new car.

Holy crap! For me?

I don't love you
that much.

This baby's mine.
You get my old one.

- Yes!
- No!

I didn't get a car
when I turned 16.

What do you need
a car for?

With your looks, you can get
a ride from any boy in town.

Here you go.

It was the moment
Barry had Waited for

his whole life.

Those keys meant freedom,
and no man could stop him.

But my mom could.

Not gonna happen, Dad.

We've decided
Barry can't drive.


so Barry has a car
and no license,

and I have a license and
no car. That makes no sense.

You know what else
makes no sense?

Those Peach wine coolers
I found hiding in your closet.

Yeah, I'm everywhere.

This is the Worst
birthday ever.

The only one who
understands me is flavor flav.

Who runs like that?

Are we havin'
a drag race?

What's with
the bird car?

My father thinks
he's Burt Reynolds.

The sexiest man alive?
Yes, I do.

Hey, kiddo, pick you up
after school?

Um, we're goin' to the "Y"
To do some water aerobics.

It's good for
his circulation.

was just our cover.

Pops really took me
to the house of waffles

to teach me
the finer things in life.

And you can't just
go in and honk 'em.

It's all about the cuppage.

Be gentle. Those puppies
are sensitive.

I just wanna
bury my face in 'em.

We all do,
but you gotta earn it.

Speaking of,

where are we on
operation waffle girl?

Her name was
Zoe Mcintosh.

She was
the complete package.

Beautiful, older,

and her dad was
our family podiatrist.

Okay, last week,
we told her your name.

Let's see if it stuck.

Oh, miss, could you
top me off?

No, no, pops.
Too bossy. Pops, stop.

We can't do this.
I'm not ready.

Whassup, girl?

The check, please.

You got it, Allen.

Did you hear that?
She just called me Allen.

That's not your name.

I'll change it.
I'm Allen now.

Pops, you're a genius.
Thank you, jedi master.

You're not making
this easy, kid.


You're like my own
personal obi Wan kenobi,

but instead of the force, you're
teaching me how to get freaky.

- Who's elbow cannoli?
- Is that Barry?

Barry, what
are you doing?

Eating day-Old doughnuts.

My friend Terrence,
he's the manager.

- He leaves 'em out back for me.
- Why?

It's called eating
your feelings, ass bag.

Mom's gonna walk me to the bus
till I'm 40, all right?

Put down
the garbage cruller.

I'm gonna figure out
a way to get you that license,

and my car.
Come on.


As we cruised in Pops'
new ride, we felt like kings.

It didn't matter that my mom
said Barry couldn't drive.

Our grandfather
would fix that.

He was always cooking up a plan
in that brilliant mind of his.

All right, pops,
you said you had a plan.

Whatcha thinkin'?

Pops, you okay?

Okay, his mind wasn't
what it used to be,

but his appetite
still was.

So who wants nuggets?

Pops was booked with
reckless endangerment,

we were all
thrown behind bars.

That is,
until our mom arrived.

Are you proud of yourself, locking
up an old man and two little boys?

God help the poor soul
that tried to push us around.

That was her job.

Memorize this face,

because it is going
to haunt your dreams, sir.

It is gonna haunt
your dreams.

Are you guys okay?

No, I'm not okay. Barry
took a dump in front of us.

I had to go.

It was bad.

I'm telling you,
it wasn't my fault.

The next morning,
mom lowered the boom,

and took pops' keys.

I'm not one of
your kids, Bev.

You can't boss me around.
I do the bossing.

Dad, I'm just
trying to help you.

Your mind is not
what it used to be.

As always, the neighbors
came out to watch.

Oh, hello, Gina.

Why don't you take a
picture? It'll last longer.

For the record, Gina,
that's my mom's best friend.

Can I go now? I've got a
date with Shirley Nagle.

She's got 12 grandkids,
so you know she puts out.

Cut the crap, Albert.
Okay? Cut it!

It's all life.

You lose your keys,
Barry gets some keys.

It's the circle
of driving.

Looks like I better get on
home and take this all in.

- Can I have the keys?
- No.

- You're out of my will.
- You're out of my will.

That's right.
We'll see who croaks first.

Wait, wait.

Does this mean
I can drive?

- Yes.
- No!

Hon, I said Barry was
not ready, and you agreed.

In my defense,
I wasn't listening.

Whenever my dad
disagreed with my mom,

this would happen
five minutes later.

Who watches Adam sleep
In case his asthma kicks in?


She'd guilt him
into submission.

Who bought the family
a new hamster

because you sat
on herbie?


But not this time.

My dad always had
a soft spot for Barry,

so he decided
to help the kid.

...all the dirty work
that you don't wanna do.

Bevvy, you live
for those things.

Now that the kids
are growing older,

your whole world
is falling apart.

My world is fine,
thank you very much.

Okay, if you got
no problem letting go,

then I'm gonna take Barry
for a driving lesson.

You two stuck in
the same car together?

That'll go well.
Good luck not flipping out.

I don't need luck.
I'm gonna teach him good.

I'm gonna parent
the fiiiiiep out of him.

Barry, daddy's gonna
teach you how to drive.



Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Yeah, that's right.

- Barry's driving.
- Unreal. I raised a moron.

My dad was determined
to do the impossible.

Not yell.

Stop screaming, please.

Okay, the brakes.
You're riding the brakes.

You gotta put your foot on the
gas some time. You go so slow.

- Let him pass.
- Who?

The guy on the moped.
Let him pass.

- Let him pass.
- Go ahead. Okay.

Now, we're going
to make a right.

Before we get to the
right, turn on your signal.

Not the wipers.

It's just smearing
everything around.

- Oh, my god!
- You gotta let me out of this car, man.

- I can't die before I cop a feel.
- Shut up, okay?

You wanna die,
I'll kill you right now.

Hey, both of you.
Do not hit the child

in the back.
That's way too advanced.

- Too advanced.
- Turn off the wipers,

- Make a "U," We're goin' home.
- Home? No, no.

This is my one chance
to get my license,

and I'm getting it,
all right?

You blew it.
Stop the car.

What are you doing?

Go around.

My son's a moron.
Go around.

Go! He's a moron. Get
out, I'm takin' the wheel.

No, you said it was my
turn. Circle of driving.

- Open up.
- No.

- Open up.
- No!

- Open up.
- No!

No, no, no, no.

Well, you can't stay
in there forever.

Forever, no,
but 20 minutes, absolutely.

Barry, the cop just said
he's gonna tow the car.

- Well, I would, too.
- God!

And then, things went
from bad to worse.

My mom arrived.

Who called her?

I'll give you a hint.
It was me.

Barry, open up.

Get out! Get out
now! Get out, get out!

Let me in, let me in. You're
not gonna get punished.

Come on, we'll go
for pizza.

You wanna go for pizza? Ice
cream? Let me in! Let me in!

So this is what happens
when you're in charge, huh?

City-Wide traffic jam.

Whose world is
falling apart now?

- Move the car!
- Shut up!

Albert, these kids
adore you.

Talk to the boy.


Fight the power, Barry.
You can drive.

It's a god-Given right.

In that moment,
my dad expected my mom

to go nuclear.

But then, she did
something even worse.

This is your mess,
you clean it up.

She left him
in charge of Barry.

I regret nothing!

In all the chaos,

pops and I were able to sneak out
to work on operation waffle girl.

Welcome back, boys.
What'll it be?

I don't know.
What do you think, Allen?

Let's pull the trigger. Two
Monte cristos, all the trimmings.

- Ahem. All that fried meat and cheese?
- Mom?!

- You're gonna be on the bowl for hours.
- Mom, leave now. Go.

I'll come back.

I see what's
going on.

Someone has a crush.

So adorable.
Not gonna happen.

- Excuse me?
- Here we go.

Well, I have to
draw the line somewhere.

Erica's rushing off
to college,

Barry wants to drive,
and now, you want a date?

You still play with
toy robots.

They're gobots,
and one day,

- They'll be worth millions.
- They weren't.

Baby, you're not
ready for girls.

You don't even
have pit hair.

- I have three.
- I didn't.

Dad, how could you
encourage this?

'Cause he's in sixth grade.
Loosen your damn grip, Bev.

Yeah, I'm a man now,
a man with needs,

and I need Zoe and her
sweet, delicate boobs,

and you can't stop me.

You're out of my will!

Whatever that means.

This is your fault,
you know.

If I knew that's why you drove him
here, I never would've allowed it.

You wanna know why I won't
give up my license, Bev?

You wanna get with Shirley
Nagle. Yes, we get it.

Shirley Nagle.
Are you kidding me?

I got that locked down,
but if you take away my car,

you take away my time
with my grandson.

Getting waffles
with that little guy,

it's the best part
of my week.

Oh, dad.

I didn't know that.

You'll make it right, Bev.

I know you will.

If my mom realized
she had to let go,

dad decided it was time
to get more involved.

I guess you were
right, okay?

It looks like
I'll never drive.

Any dummy can
learn to drive,

even a dummy
like you.

Come on, dad.

You got me
an reo speedwagon tape.

You don't know
anything about me.

Trust me, I do.

I know you go through
life feeling all angry,

let down, misunderstood.

I get it.

Wow. That's...

Yeah. Do you ever cry
into your Pillow?

No, I don't cry into my pillow.
Who cries in their pillow?

Not me. I don't.

Here's what
I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna
talk to your mom,

and tell her that she's gotta
let you get your driver's license.

- Really?
- Yes.

Thank you, and can you also
convince her to get a hobby?

Knitting, break dancing,
anything besides us.

Yes, I'm working
on it, kid.

Turns out, our dad did have
a good heart after all.

He just had to open it up
once in a while.

You know what?
I don't say it a lot,


you're not a total
moron all the time.

Can I drive?


Oh, come on.
Not REO Speedwagon.

Hey, this is good stuff.

Okay? I've been
listening to it.

? What started out
as friendship's ?

? gettin' stronger ?
come on.

?...have the strength
to let it show ?

here we go.
Join me.

? I can't stop
this feeling ?

? Anymore ?

? I've forgotten
what I started fighting for ?

Look at you!

? It's time to bring
this ship into the shore ?

? and throw away
the oars ?

? forever ?

? 'Cause I can't fight
this feeling anymore ?

? I've forgotten what
I started fighting for ?

what are you,
uh, doing?


Those the kids'
baby blankets?

You got me.

Sometimes I smell 'em
when I feel sad.

That's not weird, is it?

Well, a little weird.

Yeah, my world
is caving in.

I've given those kids

and now that
they're growing up,

and don't need me as
much, what do I have?

Me. I'm not
goin' anywhere.

All right, let me
have a sniff.

? And I can't fight
this feeling anymore ?

? I've forgotten what
I started fighting for ?

? it's time to bring
this ship into the shore ?

? and throw away
the oars forever ?

? 'Cause I can't fight
this feeling... ?

Forget about the diner. They just opened
this place, I think you may like it.

? I've forgotten what
I started fighting for ?

? it's time to bring
this ship into the shore ?

? and throw away
the oars forever ?

? 'Cause I can't fight
this feeling anymore ?

and with that,

the circle of driving
was finally complete.

? I've forgotten what
I started fighting for ?

? and if I have to
crawl upon the floor ?

? come crushing
through your door ?

I raised a moron.


You're aggravating me,
you little bastard!

He's aggravating me,
the little bastard.

The sexiest man alive?
Yes, I do.

But I'm drinkin' tonight.

Don't forget
to wash your bottom.

I don't believe you.
You're really a jackass.

Stop videotaping!
Get out! Mom...

I swear...