The G Word with Adam Conover (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

A comedy show about
the United States government, starring me,

produced by you.

I have some concerns.

Adam, can we make this fast,
I'm right in the middle of doing my taxes.

You don't have an accountant?

I enjoy doing them myself.

You know taxes are the price
we pay for living in a civilized society.

Uh-huh. So, how's it going?

It's actually easy. All you have
to do is follow the instructions.

Multiply taxable income by point two

and enter on line thirteen.



Then enter the amount
from Schedule D, line six.

I'm pretty sure I've got
Schedule D around here somewhere.

Adam, what's on your mind?

- Well, former President Obama, if people...
- You know most

people just say "president."

Well that's inaccurate.
It's not your job anymore.

You know, I was promoted at the
supermarket junior year of high school,

but I'm not making people call me
Shift Manager Adam Conover for the

rest of my life.
That would be crazy.

I don't want
our fact-checkers on my ass. So,

I'm gonna have to stick with former
president, or do you prefer FOPOTUS?

Anytime you want to get
to the point is fine by me.

FOPOTUS Obama,
you're producing the show.

People are going to think
it's pro-government propaganda.



Well the show is not about me.

The goal of the show is to show
people what our government actually does.

And to introduce them to the
Americans who actually do the work.

But the government
doesn't always work well.

In fact, sometimes it does harm.

I don't wanna make a show
about how the government works.

I wanna know if it works and for whom.

Do you think I can
deduct this as a home office?

O... Okay. Look, your shtick
is revealing the truth right?

So look into those questions and tell
the whole truth about what you find.

Huh. So we could
investigate financial bailouts.

Be my guest.

FEMA!

Go nuts.

Military technology.

Adam, it's your funeral.

Make the show you wanna make.
I've got expenses to report.

Attach additional worksheet.

What additional worksheet?
There is no additional worksheet!

Okay, look, I'm as skeptical as you are.

Does the algorithm actually expect you to
watch a comedy show about the government

when you could be watching I don't
know... Food Fails on Nailed It?

Okay, don't actually do it.
But look, I am with you.

Government is practically
a dirty word in America.

And if you don't believe me,
try bringing it up on Thanksgiving

and watch what happens to you.

We don't even wanna think
about the government,

much less talk about it.
It's nothing but bureaucracy and lobbyists

and politicians, right?

I'm asking for your vote so I can blah,
blah, taxes, liberty, everyone hates me.

But once I started looking into
what our government actually does,

I was amazed to discover
that behind the politics

lies the biggest and most
powerful organization on Earth.

One out of every
16 workers in America

is employed by the federal government.

And for better and for worse,
they shape every aspect of our lives.

Yet most of us have no idea
what any of these people do.

Seriously, what do you do?

I make sure our nuclear
weapons don't accidentally explode.

See?! This is important shit.

Isn't it a little weird
that every four years

we get into a national screaming match

about who's going to run a government
most of us know nothing about?

Our government is
supposed to be of the people,

by the people, for the people.

So shouldn't we the people
understand what the hell it actually does?

So, on this show,
we're gonna investigate all the ways,

good and bad,
the government affects our lives.

From the money in our pockets,
to the health of our bodies,

to the very thing
that keeps us alive, our food.

When I go to the supermarket,
I'm overwhelmed by all the choices.

But, what about the
choices we don't get to make?

Like why are unhealthy
foods cheaper than healthy ones?

Why does every loaf of bread
have corn syrup in it?

And why does milk
go straight from whole to two percent?

Where's all the 53% milk?!

Other people are making
these choices for us.

And in our food system,
no one's choices are more powerful

than the government's.
So what I want to know is

are its choices helping us or hurting us.

And do they have our best interest
at heart or someone else's?

Well, one choice the government makes is
that it sets standards for food safety.

Think about it, no matter
what you choose at the supermarket,

you can generally assume it's not
going to make you violently ill.

A hundred years ago though,

food in America made
people sick all the damn time.

Hey honey, should I get
the tainted meat or the non-tainted meat?

Agh, I'll get the brand name,
it's got twenty percent less arsenic.

And it's not hard to see why

once you know how meat
was processed back then.

Hey boss, the rats were defecating
on the meat, so I poisoned the rats,

but now all the meats are
covered in dead poisoned rats.

What do you say we do?

Sounds like a new flavor of sausage to me.

I wish I could say
this was an exaggeration.

When the writer Upton Sinclair

exposed these unsanitary
conditions in his book, The Jungle,

the public outcry forced
President Teddy Roosevelt to act.

That's disgusting!
We gotta do something about this.

My fellow Americans, I have signed
the Federal Meat Inspection Act,

giving the United States
Department of Agriculture the authority

to inspect meat to ensure it's fit to eat.

From now on, the only
jungle you'll hear about

is the one where I shoot elephants.

And when you see that USDA logo,

just know that's Uncle Teddy telling you,
it's yum yum for your tum-tum.

Wow, Teddy really was the original bear.

And his push for food
regulation was unbelievably successful.

Mass fear of tainted meat
became a thing of the past.

And the industry actually
benefited because the USDA logo was

basically a stamp of government
approval that the food was safe.

When you think about it, though,
isn't this job almost too big?

I mean, the US commercial meat industry

now processes over a
hundred billion pounds of beef,

chicken, pork, lamb,
mutton and goat every year,

not to mention emu.
Yeah, we're eating emu now.

And every single pound of that hundred
billion has to be inspected multiple times

by the USDA.

So who exactly
is touching all of our meat?

Do they find it
gross or hot that I put it that way?

And most importantly,
what the hell is that job even like?

Welcome to Cargill Schuyler.

Hey, thanks for having me.

- Nice to meet you.
- You bet.

So, h... how many
head of cattle a day here?

We're gonna process
uh, roughly five thousand head a day.

And how many folks from
USDA do you have working here?

So we'll have uh, roughly
thirteen USDA inspectors um, on-site,

for both shifts, so twenty-six total

and then we'll have
two vets with the USDA.

This is something
that not a lot of people

get to see other than
people who work here.

That is correct. How
should I say, We don't allow many cameras.

So this is where we'll
break the carcass down

and then put it in a box and
then we'll sell it for consumers.

Got it.

So if you look down here, um,
you know we talked earlier about the USDA.

- Yeah, I see it, there is a USDA...
- There's... there's

one of
our USDA inspectors right there.

- Right there with the USDA logo on.
- That is correct.

So he's just walking around,
he's like looking under that,

looking under that tarp.
Just like a roving kind of inspection,

sort of like having a restaurant
inspector, but they're here everyday.

That's correct.

Not a lot of private businesses
invite the government in like that.

A lot of them say, "Well,

then you're gonna tell me I gotta
stop work and that costs me money."

We have to have them.
It's a federal mandate that we have USDA.

Can I... can I ask
you on uh, a personal level,

you think that federal
mandate is important?

You think that helps
improve the quality of the meat,

that they're mandated to be here?

- Absolutely.
- Yeah.

There's a partnership
there. They are helping us to get better.

They're making sure
that we are doing what we're supposed to

from a food safety standpoint.
Any deficiency in our process,

that's what they're looking for, right.

That's what they're...
that's what they're inspecting for.

- Hey!
- Hi Adam, I'm Miguel.

So I'm a Safety Inspector for USDA.

So even though you're right next to
people who work for the company

and they're giving you
a little bit of a hard time,

"Hey, why do you have to stop the line?"

That never gets in the way
of you doing your job?

No, if I have a legitimate
reason to shut the line off,

if I see the product
is gonna get contaminated,

cross-contaminated
and it's gonna harm somebody,

I have to do my job.

To me personally, it's
very important to make sure

that I'm doing my part
so people doesn't get sick.

- Yeah.
- Coz uh...

The food that we produce here goes to
my table and goes to everybody's table.

What happens when you know,
you see something, that there's a problem?

If we see anything, we're going to use one
of these blue tags who is called sus...

suspect tags, and
we'll write it out for our veterinarian,

and he's going to take uh,
this position on him.

So you see something,

you see some lymph nodes that
aren't quite right, or something like that

and you say, "Uh-oh, I got a tag this
so the veterinarian can look at it."

- Hi, Adam. Hi. Dr. Angela Broatman.
- Hey!

So you're...
you're a veterinarian for the USDA.

Yes. I've been a veterinarian
for 11 years with the USDA.

And the reason I do this is
because I'm interested in public health.

These are just some of the cows
that are going to slaughter today

and to enter the food chain
for the American public.

But I... I guess I'm not an expert,
I'm looking at these cows, I'm like,

to me, it doesn't look like
a super happy sight, right?

So, like how can you tell
if they're, you know, in good spirits

or they've been mistreated
or anything like that?

Having the catwalk is
actually a really great vantage point.

Because sometimes I watch
the truckers as they're unloading, to

make sure they're um,
using humane handling techniques

and make sure that they're walking
them and nobody's doing anything else

to cause them undue stress
as they come off the trucks.

You're actually paying attention
to their like, to their behavior.

Sure. I'm watching
for anybody that's limping. I need to

watch to see if
they come to the water troughs.

Are our water tanks full
so that they can get a drink,

I'm watching for any foreign
animal diseases. I'm listening.

- Listening to those sounds.
- Yeah. I'm listening, that's a normal moo.

- Smelling the smell.
- Yeah.

- How'd you get into this?
- During vet school,

I actually discovered
that I really love necropsy,

because I love seeing their organs...

- That's autopsy, basically.
- Yeah, the autopsy on animals.

So you were like...
Hold on a second. You were a veterinarian

and you were like my favorite part
is when I cut apart a dead animal?

- It yeah... It actually was.
- And you were like ping!

Yeah, it's like
where can I work on dead animals?

And... and the USDA has afforded me that.

I love looking at the disease processes,

and I get to see
so many different um, diseases.

- You're a geek for cow diseases.
- I am.

There's the right job
out there for every obsession.

- Right.
- No matter what weird thing you like.

There's a job...
There's a job out there for it.

You'll see inside that the inspectors
are looking at every single carcass

and they're looking at
all the viscera, all the organs.

So, anything that
would be a threat to public health.

Okay so, tell me what
I was looking at in there. Like I noticed

you were looking at that
big carcass and you saw something

and you started stamping it
with blue dye, what does that mean?

A lot of times that dye means that a

product is not good for...
it's contaminated

so it can't go for edible product.

As you saw, all those lungs had a whole
bunch of uh, pneumonia inside there.

- Yeah.
- So as I looked at the carcass, I

noticed that systemically
that carcass was not healthy.

So it couldn't have
been used for human consumption.

Man! I... I mean...

this is just such an intense thing to see.

Is it an intense job to have
or do you get used to this?

You get used to it
after a while because you know

that while you're on the floor,
that you're actually protecting the public

by making sure that
these animals are healthy

and making it to so... uh, some
type of product that's meaningful.

- That your family could enjoy.
- Yeah. How did you start doing this?

I started off as a private
practitioner vet in northwest Missouri.

Like a regular vet,
like "My dog is coughing" vet?

Exactly. Yeah.

I assume you must love animals,
like because you were doing that work.

So how does that feel to you
to be a part of a system that is,

you know, killing animals?

Well, the way I see it is, I do...
I enjoy the live animals very much. But

at the same time too, I want
to make sure they're humanely treated

and all that... any time
they're going for slaughter process,

that they're being appropriately handled.

If I... If someone's not there
to do that, then who else is?

Yeah, that's true.

Wow. Thank you so much Dr. Suntrup, it was

- awesome talking to you.
- Thank you.

You know it was hard to see a lot of that.

But it's still so important
for us to take a good look at the system

that actually produces our food.

And no matter what you
think of the meat industry,

I think you have to be happy that
at every meat factory in America,

there are inspectors on the
line who work not for the company, but

for us, with our best interest at heart.

But you know,
they might not always be there.

See, because of a push
for deregulation in 2019,

the USDA passed a new rule that
could cut up to 40% of pork inspectors

at some plants and instead
allow those plants to self-inspect,

even though it's been found
that plants that tried such a system

had double the violations
for digestive and fecal contamination.

Ugh.

Unbelievable. You know, I just
learned these meat inspectors existed.

And now I find out
they're being taken away?

This is Jupiter's Legacy all over again.

You know, I get why a big meat company

wouldn't want to have
inspectors in their factory,

but, that sure doesn't help me
when I'm choking down my cheesesteak.

And how about that factory,
I mean, not only did the cows uh,

not seem to like that place,

studies show that animal
agriculture is such a big polluter, their

emissions are literally cooking the planet

and killing more people every year
than pollution from coal power plants.

Thank you, Brianna. So, if the
government were really looking out for us,

it would be curtailing factory
farming, not inspecting it less, right?

So, who is the government
really working for, the farmers?

Or we the people,
who actually eat the food?

Well, we did a deep dive
into our government's food policy

and it turns out that our government
has always favored the former, the farmer.

And that makes some sense
because for much of our history,

helping out farmers actually
meant helping the average American.

Dang right it did.
Why during the Great Depression,

one out of every four Americans
lived on a farm, like this one here.

And during that great calamity,
we lost 60% of our income.

My molasses! Oh, what do we do?

Not to worry, folks, I'm from
the government and I'm here to help.

I've come direct from
Mr. Franklin Roosevelt himself

to spread the news about
this amazing new program.

It's called "Uncle Sam's Bonus Simoleons

Intended and Directed
to Increase Every Seedling".

Swap the "s" and the "u"
and that spells subsidies.

Here's how it works.
You grow corn on this here farm?

Well, yeah-huh.

You're getting a subsidy!
Now how about growing some wheat?

Well, I could do it.

Subsidy! Rice and cotton?

You name it, I grow it.

Well, call me Old Faithful coz
you're getting a geyser of subsidies!

And Uncle Sam's
not stopping there, no siree.

We're gonna keep ploughin'
haystacks of cash into rural America

for the next century
whether you like it or not.

Why we won't just subsidize you, we'll
buy your surplus when you grow too much.

And we'll fund agricultural
research to keep your fields flourishing.

Just a dab'll do ya.

All this federal investment
didn't just save the American farm.

It was nothing short
of a revolution in the food system.

U.S. farm output has
nearly tripled since 1948

and Americans now spend less of our income
on food than any other developed nation.

In fact, we've become
the world's largest agricultural exporter.

Thank you kindly, Uncle Sam.

There's just a few problems though.

One: Black farmers never received the
same level of support white farmers did,

a historic mistake that the government
has only recently even acknowledged.

And secondly, if we fast-forward to today...

These century-old, Depression-era
subsidies are still in place.

But most Americans aren't farmers today.

Less than one percent of us are.

And nearly half of our subsidies
aren't going to the small farmers,

they're going to the top seven percent
of the biggest farms in the country.

That means they're not for the people,
they're going straight to Big Agriculture.

♪ Old MacDonald makes it rain
Ee-i-ee-i dough! ♪

Not only that, these subsidies
are quite literally bad for our health.

See, when you subsidize something,
you get a lot more of it.

Have you ever looked
at your supermarket shelves

and wondered why they're
so full of cheap, processed junk food?

This is the answer.

Instead of subsidizing
healthy fruits and vegetables,

our government is still literally
paying farmers to grow bulk grains

like wheat, rice, and corn
that get processed into this crap.

This delicious crap.
I mean, I know it's bad for me.

I know it puts me at greater risk
of diabetes and high cholesterol,

but I cannot stop eating it. Hoo!

And yet, my own government is
helping make sure it's the cheapest,

most abundant food in America. Why?

You know, it sure seems like
the government's mission to help farmers

is getting in the way
of its duty to help eaters.

Especially since the same USDA
that keeps Big Agriculture afloat

is also responsible for
crafting the dietary guidelines

that advise us what to eat. Huh.

Wonder if it's a little bit of
a conflict of interest? Like, ooh, hey...

Remember the USDA food pyramid that was
slapped on the back of every cereal box

and health class handout in the 90s?

Ever wonder where that came from?

Okay team, this guide will influence
every American's eating choices for

decades to come.

So we have to base it on
the best nutrition science available.

Uh-uh oh.

Sorry, nerds.

The USDA gave the agriculture industry
final say over your precious pyramid.

My God! They're cutting
fresh fruits and vegetables in half,

and doubling the recommended
daily allowance of grains!

Hey, more bread in your mouth
means more bread in our pockets.

I know it seems hard to believe, but,

according to the former USDA Director
of Nutrition Guidance, Luise Light,

it's true. She wrote that the
AG Secretary's office altered wording

because the meat and
milk lobbies believed it'd hurt sales.

And also hugely increase
the servings of wheat and other grains

to make wheat growers happy.

And this goes deeper
than the food pyramid.

The USDA even created a marketing
arm to work with fast food companies

to find new ways to cram
their products full of cheese.

Why? To help the dairy industry.

We need to put more cheese here! Here!

Dammit soldier,
we need to put more cheese here!

But ma'am, it's already covered in cheese!

There's no more room!

I don't give a crap!

Put it in the goddamn
crust if you have to.

Brilliant!

Hold on a second. The government
delivered us stuffed crust pizza?

Not only that, I grew up
scarfing down six to eleven servings of

bagels and pasta a day

because the government
told me it was healthy,

and because I had low self-esteem.

But now I find out that it was
all a lie to prop up the food industry.

What the fuck?!

You know, every article and ad
says that the key to healthy eating is

for us to make better choices,

but why is it all on us?

Maybe instead of worrying so much
about what we choose off the shelves,

we should pay more attention to what
our government chooses to put on them.

Because only it has the power to determine
whether our food is safe and fit to eat,

whether the advice on the
back is healthy or harmful.

And whether a box
of Super Sugar Berry Bombs is

ten times cheaper
than a real goddamn berry.

Oh, these are good though.
They give these to kids, really?

You know, sometimes you hear people say
that the government can't do big things,

but, clearly it can and does.

The more important question
to ask is who it's doing them for?

Because if our government stops working
to our benefit, it can be a disaster.