The Funky Phantom (1971–1972): Season 1, Episode 3 - I'll Haunt You Later - full transcript
Wahhh!
It's a funky phantom!
The spirit of 1776, even.
At your service.
It's funky phantom time.
ALL:
Wahhhh!
(SCREAMS)
(SINGING) You're my swinging sweetie
From the swamp, yeah
And we're gonna dance to the beat
Yeah, yeah
Of the bog, bog, bog
Gee, I'm glad my sweetie's
Not a frog, frog, frog
Oh, Skip, how romantic.
How terrifying.
Slow down. Not so fast.
Relax, Mudsy.
When it comes to driving airboats,
I am an expert...
...which is more than I can say
for Skip's singing.
You're an expert, all right.
Only it's not airboats, it's hot air.
(SKIP LAUGHS)
I think it's time I took the hot air
out of that swamp canary's sails.
Help.
Looks like Skip got bounced
out of the picture.
(LAUGHS)
I'm like a rubber ball...
...I always bounce back.
I wish you boys would make up your minds
who's going to serenade me.
I wish you'd make up your mind
who's gonna steer this thing.
SKIP:
You're doing fine, Mudsy.
Just keep it on a straight course...
...and we'll be back to my uncle's house
before dark.
Hey, steering this thing
isn't so hard after all.
I'm a regular John Paul James.
In fact, it reminds me of the time
I crossed the Delaware in a rowboat.
I thought that was George Washington.
He crossed it in the winter.
I did it in the summer
when the trout were biting better.
(GROWLING)
(CAT MEOWS)
Heavens to Poor Richard's Almanack,
I'm a pretzel. Yikes!
SKIP:
Stop this thing!
Straighten this thing out.
MUDSY:
Somebody straighten me out.
(YELLING)
Last stop, Boston Harbor.
Baked beans and tea parties
to your right.
Nice going, Mudsy.
Only you could find a truck
in the middle of a swamp to crash into.
Hey, what's a truck doing
in the middle of a swamp?
I don't know.
But there's some kind of message
on the steering wheel.
- Message?
- What's it say?
It says, "Fort Le Feet. Help."
It must have been written by the driver.
Look, there's his picture.
Well, if you ask me,
I'd say he's in deep trouble.
Yeah. And, besides, he may need help.
Do you mind if I ask a question?
If we go to Fort Le Feet,
who's gonna help us?
That place is supposed to be haunted.
You're not afraid of ghosts,
are you, Mudsy?
I am if it's the ghost
of the pirate Jean Le Feet.
He even scared me
when he wasn't a ghost.
Relax, Mudsy.
As long as I'm here, old Le Feet
wouldn't dare show his face.
That must be the place. Fort Le Feet.
No kidding.
I thought it was the Bog Marsh Hilton.
It sure is a weird-looking old place.
Them's my sentiments exactly.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, no, you don't.
You're not spooking out on us.
We're going inside.
I hope Le Feet is away
for a fort-nit, a fifth-nit even.
The place looks deserted.
I wish we could keep it that way.
Okay, let's start looking for the driver.
We might as well start here.
Hey, get a load of the boy wonder.
I suppose you think the driver's
gonna be sitting right under that sheet.
SKIP:
Chalk one up for me.
Exit, one departing spirit.
Go away.
It's not safe here.
You heard the man.
Go back.
That was the driver, all right.
But did you see how he looked?
He's turned all white.
Something must have scared him.
But what?
Only one way to find out, ask him.
It looks like he's gonna have
a hard time answering us.
I'll say.
All that's left of him
is his hat and a little bit of white dust.
- Now what will we do?
- Split up.
I'm for that.
I'll be harder to find.
That's not the way I meant.
Oh. I get it.
We split up and try to find out
what's going on around here.
Oh, let's stick together, it's safer.
Keep your eyes open. Look for a clue.
And look for an exit, just in case.
I wish we knew
what we were looking for.
Don't worry,
I'll know it when I find it.
Augie, Skip and Muddles are gone.
Nothing to worry about.
Mr. Mastermind is lost as usual.
Well, we better find them.
Skip?
Who needs him as long as I'm here?
Follow me. I'll take care of you.
And watch out for the trap doors.
(SCREAMING)
(CACKLING)
Did you hear something?
Not if you didn't.
MUDSY:
I didn't.
Which way?
LE FEET:
This way.
Stop whispering,
you sound just like a ghost.
I didn't whisper a word.
Then who did?
LE FEET:
I did.
(CACKLING)
SKIP:
It's the ghost of Le Feet.
Two ghosts is a crowd.
I gotta do something fast.
(BARKING)
(GROWLING)
(SKIP WHIMPERING)
Oh, Skip, where are you?
Where are you, old buddy boy?
Mudsy, where are you?
(SCREAMING)
Ghosts.
MUDSY:
You can say that again.
Ghosts.
Just a minute.
I've been pants-napped.
Follow those trousers.
Heavens to Bunker Hill...
...what a way to get together again.
Heavens to redcoats...
...watch that first step!
Mudsy, what happened?
MUDSY:
Believe it or not, things are going well.
Swimmingly, you might say.
Don't worry, I'll have you pumped dry
in a minute, Mudsy.
MUDSY:
Skip, old boy, you're a real ghost saver.
I might have caught a cold.
A herring even.
Very funny.
But we have more important fish to catch
inside the fort.
As long as we're outside,
why don't we stay here?
What, and let Augie hog all the glory?
MUDSY:
Let him hog it, let him hog it.
(LE FEET CACKLING)
What's that?
Only one way to find out.
I suppose you know
this is against the law.
That's right. Operating a cement mixer
in an old fort without a permit is illegal.
Well, you won't have to worry
about it much longer.
(LAUGHS)
(GULPING)
Boy, April and Augie
sure got themselves in a pickle.
MUDSY:
One thing's for sure...
...he's not a bad bricklayer.
What will we do?
Combine forces.
You and Boo free April and Augie,
and I'll watch.
That figures.
Some days, it doesn't pay to be a ghost.
Come on, Boo...
...a haunting we will go.
Shh.
Hey, what did you do with my bricks?
We ate them, cement head.
Very funny.
Where are those bricks?
Where are those bricks?
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHING)
Hey, what's going on around here?
Didn't you know?
The place is haunted.
Hey, don't give me that.
There's no such thing as ghosts.
No such thing as ghosts?
I'll show him.
What do you think I am,
a chicken sandwich?
Don't answer that.
A ghost.
Say, do you know who goes to bed
with his shoes on?
(SCREAMS)
A horse, what else?
MAN:
Let me out of here!
You did it, Mudsy.
You really scared him.
I did? I did.
How about that?
You can start calling me super spooker.
You're not going anywhere
in that cement suit, mister...
...so you might as well confess.
MAN:
I told you all I know.
I was hired by this character
in a pirate outfit...
...to hijack the stuff on the truck
and bring it to this old fort.
AUGIE: Well, if you're not
that creep Le Feet, who is?
MAN:
I don't know.
All I got were some instructions
and a newspaper.
Newspaper?
Hey, feast your ears on this.
(APRIL READS ON-SCREEN TEXT)
Art treasures?
So that's what was on the truck.
Okay, where did you hide it?
Le Feet stashed the treasure
and the truck driver somewhere in the fort.
I don't know where.
Now what?
No big deal.
We simply find the art treasure
and solve this mystery.
APRIL:
We've searched every room in the fort.
Yeah, and all we found
was a great big nothing.
What did you expect?
In my day,
people hid valuables in secret chambers.
Secret chambers?
What kind of secret chambers, Mudsy?
You know the kind.
You push on a wall and there it is.
- Whoops!
APRIL, AUGIE & SKIP: Mudsy!
Heavens to hidden treasures,
I found a secret chamber.
No sense keeping it a secret.
Maybe this gadget
operates a secret door.
You did it, Mudsy.
You mean overdid it.
As soon as we get this stuff
back to the truck...
...we can look for the driver.
Yeah, but let's hope Le Feet
doesn't show up first.
If he does, I'll give him what for,
what five, even.
(GROANING)
(LAUGHING)
(SNICKERS)
(LAUGHS)
(CRYING)
Well, that just about does it,
except for that box over there.
Do you think you can handle it,
scrawny arms?
Just watch, bicep brain.
See? Nothing to it.
(CACKLING)
It's him.
Hey, it's Le Feet.
Let's get out of here.
MUDSY:
Row, row, row your boat, even.
Quick, up the banister.
I can't slide up a banister.
Well, I can. Hop aboard.
Tune out, and up we go.
Remind me to speak to the owner
about these short banisters.
Mudsy, look what's coming.
And looks what's going.
I'm getting out of here.
MUDSY:
Me too. Three, even.
Oh, no, dead end. Yikes!
There is no escaping the pirate Le Feet.
Maybe we can talk this over.
Man to ghost, or pirate.
Let me see.
What would Ben Franklin do now?
He'd fly a kite.
Even a pirate.
Try one of my feet, Le Feet.
Oh.
We nearly got the point that time, Boo.
But we'll show him the feather
is mightier than the sword.
En garde.
Ho-ho, ha-ha-ha.
Parry, thrust, Como, touché.
Three-ché, even.
Nice going, Mudsy.
You caught Le Feet.
Nothing to it.
All in a ghostly day's work.
Don't look now,
but we've got more than one.
There are two heads under there.
It's the truck driver.
He was tied up behind the drapes
all the time.
Now let's see who it really is
behind this Le Feet mask.
APRIL:
It's Mr. Rogers.
SKIP:
The museum curator.
It was a pretty slick plan he had.
Who would suspect the museum curator
of hijacking his own shipment?
And using this Le Feet get-up
to keep his identity secret...
...and scaring everybody away.
AUGIE:
And using a lot of corny spooky tricks.
I would have gotten away with it
if it weren't for you meddling kids.
And ghosts.
Ghosts?
(LAUGHS)
Come on, kids.
You know there's no such thing
as ghosts.
No such thing as ghosts?
What do you think I am,
an optical illusion?
OFFICER:
Let's get out of here.
Oh, Mudsy, what did you do that for?
Yeah, you've gotta learn
not to scare our friends too.
I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Sometimes this spirit
has got too much spirit of '76 in him.
(LAUGHS)
SKIP: Oh, Mudsy.
APRIL: Oh....
It's a funky phantom!
The spirit of 1776, even.
At your service.
It's funky phantom time.
ALL:
Wahhhh!
(SCREAMS)
(SINGING) You're my swinging sweetie
From the swamp, yeah
And we're gonna dance to the beat
Yeah, yeah
Of the bog, bog, bog
Gee, I'm glad my sweetie's
Not a frog, frog, frog
Oh, Skip, how romantic.
How terrifying.
Slow down. Not so fast.
Relax, Mudsy.
When it comes to driving airboats,
I am an expert...
...which is more than I can say
for Skip's singing.
You're an expert, all right.
Only it's not airboats, it's hot air.
(SKIP LAUGHS)
I think it's time I took the hot air
out of that swamp canary's sails.
Help.
Looks like Skip got bounced
out of the picture.
(LAUGHS)
I'm like a rubber ball...
...I always bounce back.
I wish you boys would make up your minds
who's going to serenade me.
I wish you'd make up your mind
who's gonna steer this thing.
SKIP:
You're doing fine, Mudsy.
Just keep it on a straight course...
...and we'll be back to my uncle's house
before dark.
Hey, steering this thing
isn't so hard after all.
I'm a regular John Paul James.
In fact, it reminds me of the time
I crossed the Delaware in a rowboat.
I thought that was George Washington.
He crossed it in the winter.
I did it in the summer
when the trout were biting better.
(GROWLING)
(CAT MEOWS)
Heavens to Poor Richard's Almanack,
I'm a pretzel. Yikes!
SKIP:
Stop this thing!
Straighten this thing out.
MUDSY:
Somebody straighten me out.
(YELLING)
Last stop, Boston Harbor.
Baked beans and tea parties
to your right.
Nice going, Mudsy.
Only you could find a truck
in the middle of a swamp to crash into.
Hey, what's a truck doing
in the middle of a swamp?
I don't know.
But there's some kind of message
on the steering wheel.
- Message?
- What's it say?
It says, "Fort Le Feet. Help."
It must have been written by the driver.
Look, there's his picture.
Well, if you ask me,
I'd say he's in deep trouble.
Yeah. And, besides, he may need help.
Do you mind if I ask a question?
If we go to Fort Le Feet,
who's gonna help us?
That place is supposed to be haunted.
You're not afraid of ghosts,
are you, Mudsy?
I am if it's the ghost
of the pirate Jean Le Feet.
He even scared me
when he wasn't a ghost.
Relax, Mudsy.
As long as I'm here, old Le Feet
wouldn't dare show his face.
That must be the place. Fort Le Feet.
No kidding.
I thought it was the Bog Marsh Hilton.
It sure is a weird-looking old place.
Them's my sentiments exactly.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, no, you don't.
You're not spooking out on us.
We're going inside.
I hope Le Feet is away
for a fort-nit, a fifth-nit even.
The place looks deserted.
I wish we could keep it that way.
Okay, let's start looking for the driver.
We might as well start here.
Hey, get a load of the boy wonder.
I suppose you think the driver's
gonna be sitting right under that sheet.
SKIP:
Chalk one up for me.
Exit, one departing spirit.
Go away.
It's not safe here.
You heard the man.
Go back.
That was the driver, all right.
But did you see how he looked?
He's turned all white.
Something must have scared him.
But what?
Only one way to find out, ask him.
It looks like he's gonna have
a hard time answering us.
I'll say.
All that's left of him
is his hat and a little bit of white dust.
- Now what will we do?
- Split up.
I'm for that.
I'll be harder to find.
That's not the way I meant.
Oh. I get it.
We split up and try to find out
what's going on around here.
Oh, let's stick together, it's safer.
Keep your eyes open. Look for a clue.
And look for an exit, just in case.
I wish we knew
what we were looking for.
Don't worry,
I'll know it when I find it.
Augie, Skip and Muddles are gone.
Nothing to worry about.
Mr. Mastermind is lost as usual.
Well, we better find them.
Skip?
Who needs him as long as I'm here?
Follow me. I'll take care of you.
And watch out for the trap doors.
(SCREAMING)
(CACKLING)
Did you hear something?
Not if you didn't.
MUDSY:
I didn't.
Which way?
LE FEET:
This way.
Stop whispering,
you sound just like a ghost.
I didn't whisper a word.
Then who did?
LE FEET:
I did.
(CACKLING)
SKIP:
It's the ghost of Le Feet.
Two ghosts is a crowd.
I gotta do something fast.
(BARKING)
(GROWLING)
(SKIP WHIMPERING)
Oh, Skip, where are you?
Where are you, old buddy boy?
Mudsy, where are you?
(SCREAMING)
Ghosts.
MUDSY:
You can say that again.
Ghosts.
Just a minute.
I've been pants-napped.
Follow those trousers.
Heavens to Bunker Hill...
...what a way to get together again.
Heavens to redcoats...
...watch that first step!
Mudsy, what happened?
MUDSY:
Believe it or not, things are going well.
Swimmingly, you might say.
Don't worry, I'll have you pumped dry
in a minute, Mudsy.
MUDSY:
Skip, old boy, you're a real ghost saver.
I might have caught a cold.
A herring even.
Very funny.
But we have more important fish to catch
inside the fort.
As long as we're outside,
why don't we stay here?
What, and let Augie hog all the glory?
MUDSY:
Let him hog it, let him hog it.
(LE FEET CACKLING)
What's that?
Only one way to find out.
I suppose you know
this is against the law.
That's right. Operating a cement mixer
in an old fort without a permit is illegal.
Well, you won't have to worry
about it much longer.
(LAUGHS)
(GULPING)
Boy, April and Augie
sure got themselves in a pickle.
MUDSY:
One thing's for sure...
...he's not a bad bricklayer.
What will we do?
Combine forces.
You and Boo free April and Augie,
and I'll watch.
That figures.
Some days, it doesn't pay to be a ghost.
Come on, Boo...
...a haunting we will go.
Shh.
Hey, what did you do with my bricks?
We ate them, cement head.
Very funny.
Where are those bricks?
Where are those bricks?
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHING)
Hey, what's going on around here?
Didn't you know?
The place is haunted.
Hey, don't give me that.
There's no such thing as ghosts.
No such thing as ghosts?
I'll show him.
What do you think I am,
a chicken sandwich?
Don't answer that.
A ghost.
Say, do you know who goes to bed
with his shoes on?
(SCREAMS)
A horse, what else?
MAN:
Let me out of here!
You did it, Mudsy.
You really scared him.
I did? I did.
How about that?
You can start calling me super spooker.
You're not going anywhere
in that cement suit, mister...
...so you might as well confess.
MAN:
I told you all I know.
I was hired by this character
in a pirate outfit...
...to hijack the stuff on the truck
and bring it to this old fort.
AUGIE: Well, if you're not
that creep Le Feet, who is?
MAN:
I don't know.
All I got were some instructions
and a newspaper.
Newspaper?
Hey, feast your ears on this.
(APRIL READS ON-SCREEN TEXT)
Art treasures?
So that's what was on the truck.
Okay, where did you hide it?
Le Feet stashed the treasure
and the truck driver somewhere in the fort.
I don't know where.
Now what?
No big deal.
We simply find the art treasure
and solve this mystery.
APRIL:
We've searched every room in the fort.
Yeah, and all we found
was a great big nothing.
What did you expect?
In my day,
people hid valuables in secret chambers.
Secret chambers?
What kind of secret chambers, Mudsy?
You know the kind.
You push on a wall and there it is.
- Whoops!
APRIL, AUGIE & SKIP: Mudsy!
Heavens to hidden treasures,
I found a secret chamber.
No sense keeping it a secret.
Maybe this gadget
operates a secret door.
You did it, Mudsy.
You mean overdid it.
As soon as we get this stuff
back to the truck...
...we can look for the driver.
Yeah, but let's hope Le Feet
doesn't show up first.
If he does, I'll give him what for,
what five, even.
(GROANING)
(LAUGHING)
(SNICKERS)
(LAUGHS)
(CRYING)
Well, that just about does it,
except for that box over there.
Do you think you can handle it,
scrawny arms?
Just watch, bicep brain.
See? Nothing to it.
(CACKLING)
It's him.
Hey, it's Le Feet.
Let's get out of here.
MUDSY:
Row, row, row your boat, even.
Quick, up the banister.
I can't slide up a banister.
Well, I can. Hop aboard.
Tune out, and up we go.
Remind me to speak to the owner
about these short banisters.
Mudsy, look what's coming.
And looks what's going.
I'm getting out of here.
MUDSY:
Me too. Three, even.
Oh, no, dead end. Yikes!
There is no escaping the pirate Le Feet.
Maybe we can talk this over.
Man to ghost, or pirate.
Let me see.
What would Ben Franklin do now?
He'd fly a kite.
Even a pirate.
Try one of my feet, Le Feet.
Oh.
We nearly got the point that time, Boo.
But we'll show him the feather
is mightier than the sword.
En garde.
Ho-ho, ha-ha-ha.
Parry, thrust, Como, touché.
Three-ché, even.
Nice going, Mudsy.
You caught Le Feet.
Nothing to it.
All in a ghostly day's work.
Don't look now,
but we've got more than one.
There are two heads under there.
It's the truck driver.
He was tied up behind the drapes
all the time.
Now let's see who it really is
behind this Le Feet mask.
APRIL:
It's Mr. Rogers.
SKIP:
The museum curator.
It was a pretty slick plan he had.
Who would suspect the museum curator
of hijacking his own shipment?
And using this Le Feet get-up
to keep his identity secret...
...and scaring everybody away.
AUGIE:
And using a lot of corny spooky tricks.
I would have gotten away with it
if it weren't for you meddling kids.
And ghosts.
Ghosts?
(LAUGHS)
Come on, kids.
You know there's no such thing
as ghosts.
No such thing as ghosts?
What do you think I am,
an optical illusion?
OFFICER:
Let's get out of here.
Oh, Mudsy, what did you do that for?
Yeah, you've gotta learn
not to scare our friends too.
I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Sometimes this spirit
has got too much spirit of '76 in him.
(LAUGHS)
SKIP: Oh, Mudsy.
APRIL: Oh....