The Full Monty (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - It's Not the Waking, It's the Rising - full transcript

I've found this upstairs.

Thought it could go up wall.

You want to put this on the wall?

Arguably our finest hour.

Oh. You were lovely boys.

I better, uh

Gotta sort out the funeral.

He can have anything.

Silk-lined mahogany's the most fitting
encasement for the ceremony

at, uh, one-four-nine-nine.

1,499?



1,499.

That just for the coffin?

Handles extra.

Nah.

Plain pine, 750. Handles extra.

Nah.

Cardboard, manila, 499.

Handles extra?

There are no handles.

Just holes.

Mate, look.

What can I get for 423 quid? All in.

Pauper's grave.

Sorry, just-just to time-travel
back to the fucking 21st century here.



What the--

What is a pauper's grave?

A bunch of bodies
dumped into one big hole.

Filled in with the digger,
marked with a stick and a number.

Stick?

And a number?

A digger?

Is that what a friend of 30 years
gets for 500 quid?

Shit.

Card's on the blink, mate.

Expired.

Sorry.

Des, can I call you back, love?

No, you can't.

Nathan?

Dad? Dad?

Not a great time, love.

Yeah, I'm at the police station.

She's been arrested.

You what?

One of your old favourites, Dad.
Breaking and entering.

Des, what the hell are you playing at?

But I didn't nick owt, I swear.

Charged and bailed.

You need to countersign the bail form
before I can release her.

Bloody hell. Now?

If it's not too much bother.

Yeah, I've got my audition at 12:00.

What about your mum?

We're not talkin'.

Please.

All right, all right, 12:00-ish.

Like I've been sayin' my whole life,

where our dad's concerned,

don't hold your breath.

Right, come.

See ya.

No. You won't be seeing her or him. Ever.

You're nothing but trouble. Come on.

Probably meant it metaphorically.

Yeah, it didn't sound very metaphorical.

Well, you've still got me.

Hey! You wait till we get home.

Come on.

Or not.

Only me!

Front's not locked, Garry.

'Ey, come and look at this.

In a mo.

- With all the black horses?
- Of course.

MSC is gonna pay for Horse's funeral.

Coffin, flowers, horse-drawn carriage,
whole thing.

Oh.

That all you've got to say?

That's a shame.

A shame?

Picking up Des.

Be back later.

Front's not lock--

- Someone's in a hurry.

What's he doing in my kitchen anyway?

- Den?

Come on.

- Do you know how this makes me look?
- Part of the family.

Nathan, look, I'm sorry.

She's sorry.

- Won't happen again. Will it?
- No.

I know you had something
to do with that dognapping.

No, that were me. Not me. Someone else.
What dognapping?

Jesus Christ.
Just get out of here, both of ya.

- Hey!
- What have I done now?

Your address.

Well, "no fixed abode"
doesn't have a postcode, does it?

- Well, where you staying?
- Here and there.

Look, thanks.

For Ben's wheelchair.

I, uh--

I got it wrong.

You did. On that occasion.

It's great.

He loves it.
Gets himself everywhere in it.

That were the idea.

If you ever get really stuck,
we've always got spare room.

- What, a cell?
- No, no.

At home, you pillock.

Oh, right. Appreciated. Thanks.

- I-I better, uh
- Yeah.

Come on, jailbird.

- So

missus with the purple hair, Netty--

- Hetty.
- Hetty.

She's got the keyboard, right?

The audition were ages ago.
I told you on phone, twelve o'clock.

I were busy.

Don't matter.

Weren't gonna get in anyway.

Says who?

People like me don't.

You're not people like anybody.

You're you. Special.

Don't believe what I say.

It's Hetty says you got talent.

It's too late.

You know what I've learned
in the last little while, Des?

The only time it's really too late

is when you're dead.

And when did you get
so deep and meaningful?

When Horse died.

Horse?

He's

Oh, Dad, I-- I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

You were in jail, weren't ya?

Sorry.

Should we get the keyboard?

- Oh, fuck.

- You're popular.

Not sure that's exactly the word.

Oh, voicemail.

Like he's busy.

The bodysnatcher's busy!

You pick up your phone, Garry Schofield,
you hear me?

- And you get back here now.

- Calm down. You're going purple.
- Calm? Calm?

With a-a-a on the effing prep table?

I'll kill him. I'll kill him.

Isn't the body count high enough already?

Is that a joke, Darren?

- No.
- Better not be!

- What do you mean, purple?

Get out!

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.
Auditions are over. Were a while ago.

Bit of a problem getting here, mate.
My van broke down.

I'm afraid we really
have to be out of the building now.

Five minutes, please.

She's good, you know. Worth hearin'.

And I don't normally
have a good word to say about anybody.

She really doesn't.

I'd be ever so grateful. Hetty Baxter,
music teacher at Sheffield Spires.

Spires? The Revenge Choir lady?

You know about that?

Oh, yes.

Well, she's in it. The choir. Lead singer.

Some of those lyrics,
I'm amazed that you've still got a job.

Oh, don't worry. She hasn't.

Now that I come to think of it,
maybe she's not in it.

You're not, are you, love?

It is quite good though.

It's powerful.

Soloist.

We have strict rules
when it comes to auditions.

We try to reflect real-world values
on the course,

punctuality being one of those values.
I'm sorry.

Just one more question
before you go, mate, please?

Yes?

Um

Mozart. Punctual, was he?

No, I don't suppose he was.

But then, your daughter isn't Mozart.

You don't know that, do ya?

Audition her and find out.

Huh?

Look, she needed my van
to bring her keyboard.

Couldn't bring it on the bus, could she?

And it were me who were late,

because, right now,
my life is a complete fucking mess.

Which makes her life a mess,
and that's not her fault.

- How's about that for real-world values?
- Dad, shut up.

What about the fact there's nothing much
going in her life except for music?

Don't ask me if she's any good.
All sounds a bit fucking shouty to me.

But I know that music is the one thing
that this girl cares about.

With a passion.

More than anything.

So, is that real-world values
enough for you?

Or just an inconvenience
to your busy schedule?

Come on then.

When you're ready.

What's the point?

I'll get the bus.

Des, wait!

Well, I think we've established
she's not Mozart.

I better, um

All right. All right.

What do you think you're doing
putting Horse--

Hear me out!

I'm looking forward to this.

What is Horse doing on my prep table?

Apart from anything else,
where am I gonna slice the cucumbers?

- Did you think of that at all?
- No.

Den, Den, deep breaths.

I need to go.

Oh, you're thinking of leaving, are you?

Like you popped in for a cup of tea
and a slice of cake?

Garry Schofield,
you are staying right here

until you tell me
what the hell is happening with Horse!

So sit down now!

Dave's house is on fire.

Burns well.

I can see the smoke from Rotherham.

Couldn't have it in the house.

- Bad associations?
- Very.

And the chair?

Belt and braces.

- Always were thorough.
- Yep.

Fire brigade's comin'.

Don't care.

So, uh

just the three-piece, is it?

- Why? Where else did they--
- N-Nowhere!

He were crystal clear on that front.

Come on.

Horse's funeral sorted?

Well

whip-round doesn't pay for a funeral.

Why am I not surprised?

But MSC said he'd stump up for the lot.

Nice.

But,

I've already stolen Horse's body
from morgue.

Course you had.

It's in the Big Pain.

Course it is.

On the prep table.

Course it is.

Oh, Gaz, what are you like?

The thing is I-I'm a little bit stuck now.

Oh, really?

It were a bit spur-of-the-moment,
you know?

Not like you, that.

I mean,
six feet's a lot of fucking digging.

And I mean, where?

I mean, people are gonna notice
a great big fucking hole, aren't they?

We do cremations if you're interested.

Anyone tell you you're a genius?

Not lately, no.

Well, you bloody are.

I bloody love you.

Don't burn anything else down, lunatic.

A Viking burial.

- A what?
- Open-air cremation.

It's how they honour the dead.

Stick and a number? Go fuck.

Horse is getting what he deserves.

A Viking warrior's send-off
from this world to Valhalla.

- Yeah.
- Was Horse Scandinavian?

I never knew.

How many years inside
do you get for grave-robbing?

I'm just putting it out there.

It's not technically grave-robbing.
We're doing--

Bit sketchy on the legalities
if I'm honest.

Hmm, shock of the century.

Probably a few. Possibly a lot.

Now--

We follow the government line on this:
innocent until caught red-handed.

And we won't get caught.

I've got a decent track record on that.

Mostly. What do you think?

Absolutely not. Out of the question.

Garry Schofield,
I've known you for 25 years,

and I still can't decide
whether you're an inspiration

I'll take that.

or a total bloody nightmare.

No way.

I think it's a brilliant idea.

Oh, pipe down.

I will-- I will not pipe down.

Look at the lengths you went to
when we buried Arnold out the back.

The candles, the prayers, the-the wake.

What?

You've done this before?

Hamster.

That's my point.

If you can do that for an hamster,
then you can do this for an Horse.

If you see what I mean.

Yeah, and that's my point.
He's not a horse. He's a human being.

And it's against the bloody law!

Horse followed the law all of his life,
and look where that got him.

The man basically died of starvation.

In Britain. In the 21st fucking century!

Bollocks to the law.

All right.

I'll take him back.

Den, I have to find Des first.

- Do you mind if--
- Oh, no.

Not until you've sorted out
our friend out back.

He's not staying on that prep table.

Chest freezer?

We're still paying for that
in instalments.

You're welcome to take 'em to Cornwall.

I'm not going to Cornwall.

Your decision.

Can I talk to ya?

Properly.

Play to your strengths.

About Michael.

Nowt to say.

You see?

What's the bloody point
of talking about Michael?

Talking won't bring him back, will it?

It might've brought us back.

Oh, so it's my fault?

No, no, no.
This is all my fault if anyone's.

I mean, Dilip is.

You want to find someone to blame,
then, yeah, it's all on me.

And you're right to be furious.

And you're right to want to leave me.

I'd bloody leave me if I could.

But at least you should know why, Dave.

Young, good-looking, ambitious. I get it.

After Michael died, you went silent,

and I decided
to become bloody Superwoman, didn't I?

Throw everything at work.

Survival.

Well, whatever it takes to drag
yourself out of bed in the mornin'.

And it seemed to be working, right?

You fake it till you make it,
all that. And--

And then along comes Dilip.

And I realised that I was just faking it.

Don't you get it, Dave?

I did all that because I was sad.

I was really, really sad.

And when I couldn't handle
being sad anymore,

I thought that maybe
Dilip could fill the big hole in my heart

where Michael was supposed to be.

And did he?

Course not.

I didn't even tell him about Michael.

There's only one person who comes close
to knowing what that sort of pain is like.

And I betrayed ya.

And that was really, really

foolish.

Anyway,

thanks for letting me
shoot my mouth off again.

Jean.

I'm glad you didn't tell him
about Michael.

You really not coming to school anymore?

Won't let me.

Except for my exams.

When I'm in London, uni,
they can't stop us, can they?

We can get a place together.
Somewhere cool.

I'll dissect frogs,
and you can do your music.

What do you reckon?

I don't know, Tabs.

What about New York?

There's this hacker I know
that can get us a green card.

I don't think so.

Why not?

First off, I'm not doing music.

Secondly, you don't want me around.
I just ruin stuff.

No, you don't.

You're virtually under house arrest
'cause of me.

Just fuck people's lives up.
That's what I do.

You've got a chance of getting away
from here. Having a life. A proper life.

I'd just trash it one way or another.

Are you finishing with me? Already?

Oh, we never really started, Tabs.

I did.

In my head.

I'm sorry.

I've never kissed anybody
in my life before.

Plenty more fish, eh?

If you paid the least bit of attention
to anything other than your hairstyle,

you'd know, there aren't actually.

Ever heard of supertrawlers?
Fish-stock collapse?

The one thing there isn't,
is plenty more fucking fish.

Right.

And parking that for a second,

that's a really mean thing to say
to the person who loves ya.

Well, fuck you too!

Des, been at your mum's, Cal's, Tabani's.

And you owe me one there, kid.

Her mum's a fucking nutter.

Call me back, please.

As you asked

As you asked,

I'm a tiny bit furious with Horse.

Well, more than a tiny bit if I'm honest.

I'm livid.

There I was offering the man cake.

Cake.

And he basically died of malnutrition.

We're his mates, and he said not a word.

Well, he didn't want us to know, did he?

He-He were ashamed.

A proud man.

It's up to us now.

We're all that's left.

We've got to help each other.

And we didn't.

You could've called, love.

Phone's dead. Why?

Been looking all over Sheffield for you.

Sorry.

Why?

Well, why do you keep saying why?

'Cause I'm worried sick about ya.

If you say "why", I'll clock ya.

Because you're my daughter, you're having
a shit day, and I love you is why.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

No.

No, y-y-you're not.

And that's all right.

You've had a shit day too.

You have no idea.

What I say is, tomorrow's another day.

Might be shit too, of course,
but at least shit in a different way.

Keeps life interesting, don't you think?

No.

Course you do.

You're a fighter, just like your dad.

Only prettier.

It'll be all right, kid.

I promise you.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Not dahlias. They don't last.

All right. All right.

And a bit of greenery.

For God's sake, Den.

Lovely.

I'm really not happy about this.

Oh, you're not happy?

Someone's coming!

Hey, what you doing?

That's my garden!

Wow.

Right, mate. Let's get you back.

Well, we've had a chat about your idea.

Come again?

We didn't do right by him, Gaz,
when he were alive.

So we should look after him now,
at least. Shouldn't we?

We're gonna need a big fire, mind.

A thousand degrees to burn a body.

How do you even know that?

Doesn't everyone?

It's-It's perfectly feasible
in practical terms.

Look, the pyre is very common in India.

The Ganges.

We're not floating him down the Don.

The old ski slope will be fine.

You can see the whole city from up there.

Yeah, me and Lomper and MSC
will do the food.

I thought I might make the coffin.

Got some lovely birch ply
in the garage, so

What do you think, Horse?

He'd be made up by this.

Knew you'd come around, lads.

Don't get all puffed up, Garry.

I'm still not happy about it.

Right, I've got some food to do.

- Can somebody--
- Ah, okay.

- I'll clear the chest freezer.
- Come on.

Silvan.

Hello.

Stop contacting Hasan.

I don't.

I-I mean, he contacts me.

You can tell because, in call history,

incoming calls are a different colour
to outgoing.

What do you talk about?

Let me see, um--

School, uh, work,

uh, the inadequate supply
of electric-car charging points,

uh, Marvel characters,
which I-I am very sketchy on, I'm afraid,

uh, the parts of Sheffield most vulnerable
to climate change--

I'm sorry about your friend.

Yes, it's, um--

It's very upsetting.

Hasan likes you.

Well, I-I like him.

But if you would prefer me not to speak
with him, I will respect your wishes.

The things you said at the car wash.

Those, uh, trousers
h-have not been the same since.

Fuck the trousers.

It's an opinion.

You might change your mind again.

Silvan,

that is probably the one time
in my life I have changed my mind.

And the way I felt then
is the way I feel now.

What I said then is what I say now.

I love you.

And that is all there is to it.

I don't expect you
to do anything about it.

I behaved badly.

But that's just the way it is.

I can't change the way I feel.

Uh, this, um, varnish is quick-drying,
so if you don't mind

Are we sure 80 pasties will be enough?

I mean, we've no idea who's coming really.

We'll do some sarnies, just in case, eh?

Cheese and pickle, ham. Yeah.

'Ey, this is good of you, doing all this.

You're not a natural rule-breaker.

'Ey, you're not the only daredevil
in these parts, you know.

We come from outlaw stock, us Godfreys.

Beneath this tender exterior
lurks a heart of--

Celery.

You all right, Den?

Next time you move him,
could you tell me first?

Yeah, we needed chest freezer
for ice cream.

I can't believe we're doing this, Lomper.

The funeral will be beautiful.

What?

The funeral will be beautiful.

You're speaking English.

Yes.

He's really speaking English.

- Yes.
- How?

Yes.

Never mind.

Well done, MSC. It's a good start.

And you're quite right.
The funeral will be beautiful.

And then we can all go back to normal.

Or prison.

Okay.

Enough English.

Okay, the-- See?

It's got a li-- a little battery
and a light and it

There's enough to go around.
If there's any spare, you can come back.

Right.

We're here to celebrate our friend Horse.

Nobody really knew where he came from

and nobody knows where he's going now.

But while he was here on Earth

he were the loveliest person
you could hope to meet.

Loyal,

kind,

with a smile for everyone.

He never said it.

He might never even have thought it.

But he deserved better from life.

Horse

we are really gonna miss you, mate.

Godspeed you on your travels.

Don't go far, okay? And don't wave them
in people's faces. Go on.

I, uh-- I chucked him out.

He were--

Well, it wasn't right.

Pictures on his phone and that--

Don't say, "I told you so",
because I know, all right?

You told me and I ignored you.

No, you hit me.

I know. I'm sorry.

- I shouldn't have.
- No, you shouldn't.

- Are we mates?
- No.

You're my mum, not my mate.
Not supposed to be anyway.

You need to be a mum to the twins,
not a mate.

Yeah, message received, love.
I am trying. I am honestly. Really.

Any chance of you coming home?

- Moving in with my dad.
- Yeah!

Oh, good luck with that.

Old Andy's gonna lend me his caravan.

Big enough for both of us, eh?

- If I don't try, how will I know?
- Exactly.

God.

- Pasty, Darren?
- Oh.

Thank you very much, young man.

- Now, two of these.
- Mmm.

Top-notch, Dennis.

Oh, thanks, love.

I've kept some lemon drizzle back
for family.

I thought you said
we couldn't say "love" anymore.

Arrest me if you want,
but tonight everyone's "love".

Even Darren.

- I heard about Tabani.
- Yeah.

Sorry, Des.

Hey, you wouldn't want to get ill
if she was your doctor.

You'd go in with a headache
and come out without a leg.

I wish you were a girl, Cal.

Me too.

It's not totally out of the question.

Destiny!

Compliments of Mrs Horsfall.

If you ever graced the school with
your presence, you'd have picked this up.

Court summons?

That's in the post, I suspect.

It's from Hallam F.E. Music Department.

What's it say?

It's not addressed to me, love.

- Oh.

Oh. Yes!

Having fun at Hetty's?

She's being really nice, actually.

I could strangle her.

No change there, then.

You were right.

We both got hurt bad back then.

Because of Michael and his...

...his death.

Oh, God.

I've not said that word since

I don't know.

Ever.

- Really?

I admit I'm no good with words,
especially that one.

But I did do some talking.

Did ya?

Mostly to myself. But still

Oh. Talking's talking.

Thank you. That's what I thought.

Any road,
I've said the words "Michael's death"

and the world didn't end yet.

I'm still here.

And Horse isn't.

Makes you think.

It does that all right.

We've been through a lot.

And even though we're that different,
we're all right, you and me.

Or we were.

We could still get back there.

Or at least have a go.

- Are you sure?
- No.

But we won't know unless we try, will we?

Thirty-two years of marriage
is a lot to chuck away.

It is.

You're a big man, Dave.

What you sayin'?

You know what I'm sayin'.

Let's go home, hey?

Thank you.

I was gonna say
you can sleep on the sofa, but, uh--

Sleep well, old friend.