The Full Monty (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Re-Homing - full transcript

Hello. Have a sausage.

Hey, good evening.

Um, I wonder if I could possibly request
that you'd turn the music down?

- You don't like it?
- Madam, it's too loud.

My name is Silvan.

How do you do?

- Are you the man from next door?
- Uh, yes.

We never see you.

- Well, busy.
- Ah.

You know, very busy.

No, thank you.



Fine. Yes. Very nice. Th-Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

MSC. Sleepyhead.

Lomper, get here.

You've had written warnings.

Love, we're just doing our job.

But we have nowhere else to go.

You should have thought of that!

Sorry and all that.

You've got 20 minutes to get
your stuff together and get knotted.

Blame your neighbours, not us.

This is you.

What is me?



You don't like our food, our music,
so you throw us out of our home.

I'm not quite following.

You and your secret police spying group.

You report us for too many people,
the music you don't like, whatever.

I see your sign.

The Neighbourhood Watch,
i-- it isn't a secret police.

That was my mother's, actually.

It's just a sticker to scare off burglars
and door-to-door salesmen--

And asylum seekers?

No, I don't think so.

You're getting soaked.

Because I don't have a house!

That was not me, by the way.

I actually liked your sausage.

Someone is coming to get us, they say.

Wo-Would you like
to come and wait in the hall?

We would rather drown.

I wouldn't.

Oh! Look, at least wait under the porch.

Look at the boy. He's soaked to the skin!

No, thank you.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

It's got eyes like my old history teacher.

Gluey, we used to call him.

So, do we get another,
you know, instalment?

Yeah, it's 20 grand, cash.

We're in the clear, Den.

And we get our sofa back, right?

- Yes.
- Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah. That'll save me having to learn
the Korean for three is a crowd, won't it?

Well done, you.

Ta-da!

The F9 Kanis L-Razor
is what they should call it.

Fully independent suspension
for all-terrain comfort.

- Oi, Ben! Come and have a gander!
- No, no, no, no, no.

- Is this for Ben? It's amazing.
- Yeah.

N-No, not amazing.

You always do this.

- You always make me the bad guy.
- What are you on about?

Where did you get
the money from for this? Eh?

There's at least eight grand's worth
of chair there, Dad.

Yeah.

I can't have owt bought with dodgy money.

I'm a bloody policeman.

None of your business
where I got the money from.

Suffice to say, it's not dodgy.

Oh, aye, right.
Your numbers come up, did they?

- Wow!
- Is more like it.

Is it fast?

Your grandad's just borrowed it
for a test run.

- It's going back to the shop.
- Or not.

Faster than that scrap heap
you're currently riding around in.

That's for sure.
Go anywhere in this beauty.

All yours, kid.

Later, losers.

Dad. Dad.

Dad, wait!

Hello, young man.

Excuse me.

Oh. It's all right, I saw where he went.

- Who?
- The boy who stole the chicken thighs.

Well, stole-- Perhaps it was a mistake.

Oh, the boy, right.

You do know
shoplifting is a serious crime, sir?

Uh, absolutely.

Why don't I pay for the chicken now
and take it up with him later?

And the shirts you've robbed?

Shirts, sir?

The shirts, I-- Well I-- I didn't--

I mean, obviously
I would never--

This is a-a misunderstanding.

About not paying for the things you take?

That is a misunderstanding, sir.

This way.

Ah. I need to speak with you.

Me? Why?

Okay, come.

We can talk here.

So, what?

Your son was shoplifting.

Stealing from the supermarket.

Again, huh?

You made me a promise, didn't you?

Are you going crazy or what?

Get down, I'll talk to you later.
Get out, quick!

The point is, they thought it was me.

Your son has to take the chicken back
and explain.

He will not steal again. I will make sure.

He's obviously done it before.
He's quite the professional.

- Thank you.
- Hasan!

Asylum seekers get five pounds
and 23 pence a day to live on.

He gets hungry.

That's-- That's not a great deal. But...

No excuse for stealing.

I agree.

See we can afford a mobile phone?

It's not even got 4G. It's shit!

Hasan, shut up!

We have to go.

I have to work.

It's their turn to sleep.

You share the-the bedroom?

Yeah. The bedroom and the beds.

You throw us out of our house
because there are too many people,

and now look!

I keep explaining, I didn't throw you out.

What about the chicken?

Won't be a minute.
I've just got to deliver this document.

Somebody still live in these?

Not for long. This is his notice to quit.

Oh, that's nice.

Moses Abiola?

I'm serving you with a Section 21 Notice.

Are you all right, mate?

- The lift appears to be--
- Yeah.

Your lot disabled them
about six months ago.

- I'll get you a glass of water. Come in.
- No, thank you.

You need to be out of the property--

No, honestly, it's no bother. Please.

What happened?

I'm not entirely sure.

We got chatting,
and, uh, I found I couldn't do it.

It's just a word to me. Homeless.

People in doorways, Crisis at Christmas,

people crammed into tiny houses.

You don't really think what it
actually means to be without a home.

I do.

I know exactly what it means.

And I wouldn't wish that
on my worst enemy.

Why are they watching us?

Oh, that's Reg and Diane.

They keep an eye on everything
in the street.

I suspect it was them
that got you evicted, actually.

I think someone has died in here.

What did he say?

He likes the original features.

Oh. Well, it was my parents' bedroom.

Someone really died here.

If he doesn't like it,
he can sleep downstairs.

No. He stays here with me.

I do not know you or why we are here.

I can assure you
my intentions are entirely honourable.

To me, your intentions are confusing.

Well, it's only for a week or so until
you can find something more permanent.

So, uh, don't get too comfortable.

It won't be hard to feel uncomfortable.

I prefer to cook and eat separately.

And, um, please put the toilet seat
back down after use.

I know what 13-year-olds are like.

Fourteen in two weeks.

Oh, well, uh--

Please don't shoplift your birthday cake.

MSC, mate,
this is very much a work kitchen.

My work kitchen.

Yes. Bungeoppang.

Oh.

Yes.

"No" was more the response
I was looking for.

As in, "No, I shan't be staying very long,
Dennis."

Can somebody tell me what a billionaire
is doing kipping on our bloody sofa?

Well, he insisted
on sleeping next door to Lewis.

He's serious about protecting his assets.

Yeah, well,
he's got his asset now, hasn't he?

Gluey upstairs, stinking the lounge out.

I think he knows more English
than he's letting on.

I'm watching him.

Dennis, are these going on the menu?

We don't do fish.

Shame. Bloody good.

MSC, mate, over here.

Yes, there's one more.

Over here. Yeah.

Aw, thank you.

Nice?

Not particularly.

Mmm, bloody hell.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, good Lord.

What is that? Tear gas?

- Chillies.
- Oh!

- Ooh, my eyes.
- Here.

- Put it over your head.
- Throat--

Darren's gone jihadi.

That is not funny, young man.

Tear gas would make you vomit.

I suppose you've been tear-gassed,
have you?

Many times.

We need tomatoes.

Ah!

Oh, that's better.

Oh, I really don't do spices.

Where are you?

Silvan?

Here! My old house.

Gassing me is one thing.

Pilfering from next door's garden
is-is quite another.

I grew everything in this garden
from seeds.

Tomatoes, lettuces, herbs, chilli.

I think they are mine. No?

Perfect.

Oh, good Lord.

Something wrong with that machine.

Everything comes out molten
or tasting of soap.

So, please

Oh, well.

Maybe just a mouthful then.
If there's enough.

Food tastes better when it's shared.

Some of the best meals of my life
have been cooked outside over fire.

I'm no stranger to the outdoors myself.

I spent many a night under canvas.

I used to want to join the,
uh, the Boy Scouts, you know?

I promise to do my duty to God and Queen.

Well, it must seem strange
to you youngsters,

wanting to join a--
a philanthropic organisation.

It's all, uh, mobile phones and Xboxes
and naked women on the Internet.

On this crap phone? No naked women.

Just bringing your snow shovel back.

I don't think
I've ever owned a snow shovel.

Oh, could've sworn it was yours.

Anyway, be my guest.

You never know. Yorkshire weather, eh?

Oh. Hello there.

Oh, uh-- Reg, Silvan.

Silvan, uh, Reg
from the Neighbourhood Watch.

Ah! You evicted me and my son and
my friends from the house next door, yes?

That was o-overcrowded. It-- Unsafe.

Mmm, but we are neighbours again.

- We are?
- Oh, uh, yes.

Uh, Silvan and her son are my new tenants.

Asylum seekers from Kurdistan.

Oh, actually, we were just having
a discussion about local groups,

and, uh, Silvan thought she might
volunteer for the Neighbourhood Watch.

Isn't that right?

It is.

Oh.

Lovely.

Thanks for the shovel.

His face when he thought
you were gonna join the committee--

He didn't know what to say.

We are your new tenants? Really?

Oh, no. That was just to wind up Reg.

- He can be so pompous.
- Oh.

This is a game for you.

No.

I mean, it wasn't, and then it--
then it was. But then it wasn't.

I thought
I understood these English people,

but unfortunately I was wrong.

I don't understand them at all.

Now it's time to sleep. Kisses.

Whoa!

More packages coming through.

Thank you. Whoa! Slow-- Slow down.

- Thank you.

Whoa! Stop!

I-- Thank you.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Oi!

- Horse!

What the hell are you doin'?

I'm not--

Rental agreement.

Six-month contract.

We cannot afford this.

I have no money. I'm sorry.

Well, I'll take whatever it is you-you get
from the government.

From the government?

It's not enough.

It's almost nothing
for a big house like this.

"To each according to his needs."

Yeah, someone said that.

Karl Marx.

Are you sure?

Please forget I ever said that.

And sign here and here
if you want to stay.

It's absolutely your choice, of course,
but you're-you're very welcome.

Now, I-I have to go.

Thank you.

You're a kind man.

Not particularly, no.

S-Sorry, can't stop.

What's wrong with Mr Bean?

Look at this.

Don't give me that look.

Wouldn't put the prices up
if I didn't have to.

The price of a loaf now--

The price of everything, rocketing up.

It wasn't that.

It was my new job.

The trays didn't like me.

The who?

Everybody likes you, Horse.

The trays didn't.

They ganged up on me and got me the sack.

The trays did.

Right.

MSC, reviving bungy fish here for Horse.

Ah, cheers, kid.

And you'll be going home to Korea,
MSC, yes?

- Yes.
- Soon?

- Yes.
- See?

Or will you be staying for the rest
of your life on our chuffing sofa?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Thank you.

- Yes, yes, yes. Yeah.
- Thank you.

- There he is.
- Ah!

- How are you?
- Nice to, uh

- Lovely to have you.
- Yeah.

We were just saying how long has it been
since Darren's graced the lounge?

And wouldn't it be nice to see
what he's up to with his-- his lodger?

- Oh! I just--

Suppose there's money
in housing those people.

- Uh, asylum seekers?
- Mm-hmm.

- Uh, almost none, as it happens.
- Oh.

- Paula.
- Hello, Darren.

We got chatting with Paula at dance class,

and we thought, "Wouldn't it be nice for
us all to get together like we used to?"

You don't mind, do ya?

God, they're a pair, them, aren't they?

Uh, no, n-nice to see you.

Um.

So, Diane tells me
you're doing up Park Hill Flats.

Uh, yes, I--

Well, they look lovely
if you like that sort of thing.

Well, they might look lovely,

but the dynamics of a listed structure
with concrete failure on that level

are extremely complex, I can tell you.

Yes, I'm sure you can. Uh, dating

- Are you?
- Me? No.

- No?
- Mm-mmm.

So, just a
lodger, then, your lady friend?

She and her son, Hasan, were homeless.

- Oh.
- Well, sort of home--

I tried the online dating thing for a bit.

Never again, no.

One minute I'm talking to this chap
about his Bedlington Terrier,

and then the next minute--
Bing! Full colour dick pic.

- Gosh.
- Is right.

No, um, happily single, me.

The only downside is I'm-- I'm stuck
dancing with the ladies on Thursdays.

You're not still dancin', are ya?

- Uh, no. Not since us.
- Mmm.

His mojo's gone.

- That's what I said, didn't I, Reg?
- Mmm.

- Darren's mojo's gone AWOL.
- You did.

- Oh, thank you.

But look at this,
the four of us back together again.

Just like old times.

Vol-au-vents.
It's just like being back in the '70s.

- Oh, Darren.
- Mmm.

I've just had one of my little ideas.

Were you happy to see her?

You're not married
to someone all those years

without having some things in common,
I suppose.

Mmm. Nice.

Are you still in love with her?

Well, I'd-- I'd have to think about that.

If you have to think about it,
then I guess you are not.

- You still got it, you know?
- Very kind of you to say.

Two left feet, Peter.

- Clumsy mover.
- Oh?

And I don't just mean the dancing.

Ooh, someone's happy.

Who's he evicted today, then?

Uncalled for, David.

Can't I just appreciate the morning?

The bird on the wing,
the snail on the thorn?

Actually, if you must know, I had a date.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

Come on. Spill the beans.

- With Paula.
- Oh.

Toxic masculinity in a skirt.

I don't even know what that means.

More of a feeling, really.

It means don't do it, Darren.

It's easy for you to say.
You've both got someone.

What have I got of an evening?

A telly and a microwave cottage pie.

Well, maybe not anymore.

Today, dancing. Tomorrow, who knows?

So, I'll have a bit less personal opinion
and a bit more double espresso.

Thank you very much.

You heard him. He were just going out.

He was stood there watching me.

How am I supposed to get downstairs?
Jump out the window?

You heard what he said. He were goin' out.

He knows what I'm on about.

It's not the first time.
I weren't gonna say owt--

Enough, Des. I don't want to hear it.

So, you don't believe me?

I said, "enough".

I know what you're trying to do.
It's what you always do.

I get it.

You just don't want to know
that you're going out with a sleazy paedo.

- Des!

- Des!
- Des! Oh.

Des, please!

Des, please come back!

Please!

Ooh. Mint tea.

Very refreshing once you
get used to the-the lack of milk

or tea.

What are you making?

Oh, it's just a box.

I found this bit of oak in a skip.

- Look at the grain.
- Hmm.

Just a little care and attention
was all it needed.

You're an artist.

This is beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, just a hobbyist, really.

I like this place.

Oh. "Surrounded by old tat",
as, uh, Paula used to say.

You are dancing with her again?

Always a shortage of male partners
in ballroom. Yeah.

Nice to be out on the floor
again though, actually.

Thanks, Tabs. It's just until-- You know.

No problem.

Well, loads of problems,
but I'll square it with my mam somehow.

He read my homework. Look!

The bastard even corrected my spelling.

Then you mustn't leave your papers
lying around

and maybe you'll make a better effort
to study.

All that incorrect spelling
left lying about.

Couldn't help myself.

You're not my teacher.

All right. Message received.

Uh, I, uh, got you this.

Happy birthday.

A wooden box?

More processing power
than the moon landings had, apparently.

Thank you.

Thank you!

My pleasure.

You'll be able
to see lots of naked women on that.

- Darren!

Sorry. A joke.

That was, um--

Thank you. You are a kind man.

Right, well, uh

This evening, will you come?

This evening?

Yes, why not?

Oh, uh-- Come in!

Come in. This way.

Don't think much of room service.

I hope you're well.

I hope Lewis Junior is well.

Your café is well?

All fine and dandy, thank you.

Can I help with translating anything?

Um. Glass of wine?

We were wondering, Mun-Hee,
when is Mr Sang-Chol planning on--

Well, you know, going back?

Home. To Korea.

Oh, um

Never.

Oh, c-come here, love.

- Never?
- Come and sit down.

Let it all out.

Mr Sang-Chol, he has no family.

He is divorced and his daughter
doesn't talk to him anymore.

He's a very lonely man.

You must not tell him I said this.

He would feel dishonoured.

No, not a word.

He has nothing in his life.

Except his pigeons

and you.

Us?

He says you are his family.

But I want to see my family.

Come on. Dance with me.

Well, I don't think it

I'm gonna check our drinks. Just--

Where did you learn to dance like that?

Well, Paula and I always did ballroom.

But tonight, that was,
uh, Broomfield school disco, 1994.

Yeah. I didn't know I still had it in me.

I did.

Because beneath all your strange
English ways

you have this.

Well, no, I'm

I'm a bit more this.

That's because you're afraid of

this.

I-I am afraid.

I'm afraid too.

Morning, Darren.

What can I get ya?

You all right?

Paula get the handcuffs out again?

Actually, it, uh,
it wasn't Paula last night.

Another woman?

It's like Love Island
round Darren's house.

You know those, um, Persian illustrations
on the pottery at the British Museum?

Never out of the place.

You mean the dirty ones?

No, not really, no.

I think they might possibly be--
Um, how can I put this?

Uh anatomically correct.

Things would appear
to have moved on in the

physical affection arena since I last--

At least they have in Kurdistan.

Rule number one, Darren.

Do not roger the lodger.

It's not like that.

Not that we're shallow or anything, but,
um you got a photo?

Darren, what the chuff is that?

That is no way to speak about a lady.

Not her! What's she holding?

Oh, that's a-a rocket-propelled grenade.

At least,
I think that's what they're called.

Darren's bonking a terrorist.

I dread to think what your friends
at the Con Club will say.

They are called freedom fighters,
apparently, when they're on your side.

Silvan was a-a member
of something called the YMC.

No, no, uh, the PK-- Something.

I-I-I thought it was some sort
of women's group,

but it turns out they're
rather more heavily armed than the WI.

She's really rather amazing, is Silvan.

Is this where you come for holidays?

It's like Kurdistan, only colder.

Well, I was hoping
for ice cream and sunshine.

You know, donkeys.

Donkeys, huh?

What century are you in?

- You cheeky little

beggar.

Tea in bed in the afternoon.

I know. I'm, uh,
usually a 9:00 to 5:00 sort of man.

Well, 9:00 to 5:30.

- Just to make sure.
- Thank you.

Now look at me, biscuits in bed,
and I don't even care.

Ooh. Such a rule-breaker, Darren.

And you think you're a rebel
with your rocket-propelled grenades?

You want rebellion?

Look at this.

Look what you have turned me into.

Mmm.

I could get used to this.

Me too.

Barbara and Alan are so flat-footed,
aren't they?

It's the only thing they're in sync with.

We're a good team, you and me.

Well, dare I say
that we are the best here.

Yeah.

Do you believe in second chances, Darren?

Uh, yes. In, uh, in principle.

I was wrong to walk out on you.

We've got so much in common.

Be foolish to waste it.

And it's lonely on your own, isn't it?

I'm, uh, not exactly on my own.

Ah, I see. The lodger.

Serious, is it?

Well, um

Well, if you're not sure, it can't be.
Can it?

Honestly, Darren, what are
we gonna do with you, eh?

Come on! Let's give it another go.

People don't seriously eat that.

You said it was delicious.
We had it last week in the stew.

Silvan, uh,
about what's happening between us.

Yes.

I had forgotten how it was like
to feel this happy.

It's good.

Well, while it's clearly nice, um

Obviously life is complicated.

Did I really eat that?

Yes, and it will be delicious.

Hey.

My resignation.

I'm going. I told you I was. So, uh

Dilip, please don't.

Every night you go home to somebody else,

and I go home alone.

I can't do that anymore.

You've made me happier
than I ever thought possible.

Dil, please stop.

And unhappier.

I can't keep sharing you with another man.

I love you too much for that.

Come with me.

Please.

I'm not having this filth here!

Get home, the lot of you.

And you.

Get out of my school.

Now.

Hello?

Oh, hello.

Didn't hear the bell.

Paula.

Uh, I've just popped in
to freshen things up a bit.

Not a cleaner, Darren.

He told me about you, though.

Oh.

But you're very welcome here.
I want you to know that.

Yes. Thank you.

And of course
you've got a rental agreement?

I mean, that's so Darren, that is.

I'm amazed I haven't got one.

Rental agreement?

Oh, yes. I'm sure he's told you.

We're giving it another go.

Well, maybe he hasn't said.

He's not very forthcoming
with those sort of things.

He always needs a little push.

Well.

It's lovely to meet you.

Hello?

Silvan?

Hasan?

I can't believe
they'd just disappear without a word.

Well, I can't say I'm surprised.

I hope they're okay.

Well, I hope you've changed
your passwords.

Well, don't look at me like that.
I see all sorts in the surgery.

So, you're a chef now?

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

Uh, chicken marinated
with yoghurt and cumin.

Saffron rice on the side.

Just gonna pop next door
and grab some tomatoes.

Tomatoes. No, I-I can't eat them.

Allergies.

How could you forget?

We are going home!

Chuffing bloody Nora, no?

And all the necessary arrangements
will be made

for Lewis Junior to follow
at a later date.

- Oh, thank you, love.
- Oh.

Come here.

Oh, that's a relief.

Yeah.

Come on.

I didn't think he'd be that upset.

Gaz has gone.

I told you.

You can check under the sofa
if you don't believe me.

It's medicinal.

I've got a bad back.

So he just sold it to you?

Got the papers and everything
if you wanna look.

It's all legit. I paid him in cash.

What did he do?

Is it a drug deal?

Is it money laundering?

No, not money laundering.
Look, do you know where he went?

Well, you're the policeman, love.

C-Cas? No, no. He's not there.

I think I know
how he paid for the wheelchair, though.

Don't say anything to anyone.

Not a word.

This is great, Darren!

Still got a bit of work to do.
Not quite there yet.

Looks all right to me, mate.

Oh, um

Top of the range units.

Uh, hot and cold running wa--

Oh, sorry.

- Can't you just tell us the answer?
- No!

You have to work it out.
That's how you learn.

She doesn't know the answer. It's seven.

- Oi!
- Thanks, Tabs.

- What about part B?
- Ah, don't you tell them.

- Twenty-four.

MSC, we were wondering if you might

Do us the honour

The honour, yes, of staying a bit longer.

Mr Sang-Chol
would like to know how long.

Well, as long as he wants.

Mr Sang-Chol asks
if you wish him to remain here as a baker.

Oh. Well, the bungy fish
are definitely a hit.

Uh, but i-it's you we like best.

The thing is, MSC,
i-if you went, we'd miss you.

He's not going to commit
hari-kari or anything, is he?

That's Japan.

And you can't say stuff like that!

Honestly.

Family.

Absolutely, my friend. Family.

Yes.

Uh, Mr Sang-Chol,
never mind about Google translate.

If you're stopping,
you need to learn the Sheffield way.

Give it here.

Oh.

Put the kettle on.

What you doing?

What are you doing, more like?
You're supposed to be at work.

Guy's gone AWOL,
so I thought I'd work fr--

- What are you doing with the bench?
- Cleaning it.

That was my father's bench.

It's got all the markings
from our projects--

Mmm, I've just scrubbed all that off.

Oh.

I see.

- Sorry. I thought you'd be pleased.
- What's the matter?

I-I didn't think it'd be like this again.

I thought it'd be better.

It-It is better.

I really don't think we've time for this.

When I see a dirty car, I think,

if that's the state of the car,
what on Earth is the house like?

And if I think that, everyone thinks that.

Empathy. I can't help it.

Are you listening?

Oh, my God. It's her.

Oh, yes.

I'm sorry, Paula.
I-I think I've messed everything up.

Can we just go, Darren?

We're not right for each other.

You and I.

The cowardly way would be to carry on
until we hate each other.

Well, that's what everyone else does.

We haven't given it a proper go yet,
have we?

W-We had a go b-before.

It-It didn't work then.

It doesn't work now. Not-Not really.

I'm-I'm sorry. I know that you are trying.

I am trying too. But I'm-I'm sorry, Paula.

I-I can't.

Darren! Darren.

Silvan, I apologise for my behaviour.

I was scared.

I've hurt everyone,
and I will never forgive myself for it.

I know I don't deserve a woman like you,

and I fully understand
if you don't want anything to do with me.

But there-there-there
is something I need to say to you.

What?

I love you.