The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 6, Episode 9 - There's the Rub: Part 1 - full transcript

[door closes]

Shh! Shh!

[screaming]
It's you.

What the hell
are you doing down here?

Oh, um, I thought, I thought
I heard somebody breaking in.

What you doing down here?

Uh, the same thing.

Pie's in the fridge.

Yep. Right.

Nothing like sneaking a
little
pie before Thanksgiving.

- Shh! Shh!
- Don't shush me.



This is not the first
Philip Banks pie-jacking.

Son, son,
I have been jacking pies

since, what-what,
Thanksgiving 1953.

Rhubarb.
Tart little thing.

1954, I got sloppy.
Got busted.

1955, we got a dog.
Sparkie.

From then on,
the dog ate the pie.

Whoo! Hey.

So I guess it's your nose

I should've been
shoving in the pan.

Well, you know, actually,
keeping his nose out of the pan

would have been
more of a punishment.

Get off of me.

- Mother. My sweet mommy.
- Ahh..



Come on, mom.

I've got a few secrets
of my own.

I have been stashing away
a pie or two

ever since I saw the size
of your sweet tooth.

Oh. Grandma Hattie,
the pie hider.

Aah!

I suppose the dog ate
this one too.

I ain't had nothing
to do with it.

He probably ate it.

You always trying
to blame somebody.

- Out of here. Both of you.
- Momma.

- Just out of the kitchen. Out.
- He did it.

Out. Out. Out. Ho!

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about ♪

♪ How my life got flipped
turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground was where
I spent the most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell ya later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Well, it's off to the shelter.

Oh, honey,
I think it's wonderful

that you're helping the less
fortunate on Thanksgiving.

I guess.

Did I tell you
that Channel Four is sending

a camera crew down
to cover this?

God knows that "The Hilary Show"
could use some publicity.

There is no limit
to your giving

is there, Ms. Hilary?

Thank you, Geoffrey,
that's so sweet.

All set?

- I'm not going.
- Wait a minute.

Carlton, didn't you call
down
to the shelter and
volunteer?

Yeah, I called down and put
my name on a volunteer list.

But I'm not
physically going down there.

But don't worry, it'll still
look good on my resume.

Carlton, if you said
you were going down to help

you get down there.

But, mom, I can't drive
through that part of town.

There are homeless people
down there.

[sighs]
Okay, fine.

But before I go, I'm taking
the pennies out of my loafers.

Hey, where they at?

[squealing]

Hey. Oh, my goodness.

You get prettier every year,
sweetie.

It's like looking in a
mirror.

Carlton!

I'm sorry we have to go,
you guys

but they're expecting us
down at the shelter.

- Oh, okay.
- Okay. We'll see you later.

- Alright. Bye-bye.
- Alright, alright.

Hear that, Vy? They're off
to help at the shelter.

- Oh.
- Isn't she a saint?

A regular Mother Teresa.

- Hey, dear.
- How was the trip?

- Oh, well, a little bumpy.
- Turbulence?

No, no. For five hours straight,
Helen never stopped moving.

Well, that's why I've always
had a boyfriend.

And you know that's right.

Hattie girl, you look younger
every time I see you.

Oh, you're just saying that.

Oh, but don't feel
you have to stop.

Hi, Aunt Vy. Hi, Aunt Helen.

- Ashley.
- Oh, Ashley, sweetie pie.

- Hello.
- How you doing?

I guess you're gonna be
rolling up those sleeves

and helping us
in the kitchen this year?

I can't wait to get elbow deep
in them turkey gizzards.

Honey, you need to get cable.

Just because I'm a woman

I'm suppose to don an apron
on Thanksgiving?

I don't think so.

Well, I guess somebody burned
their training bra.

Aunt Helen, you ever heard
of traveling light?

And that's probably
just her makeup.

- Oh, sweetie, is it your back?
- Yeah.

I told you the pressures of that
trial were gonna get to you.

- Are you okay, son?
- Yeah. I'll be alright, momma.

Well, good.
Now, get that trunk out of here.

We need this space to cook in.

And I gotta get back
to my stuffing.

Wait, no. You made
the stuffing last year.

That's because you were sick.
This is my natural turn.

Well, wait a minute. It's my
turn to make it after you.

Okay. Now you're guests in my
house. I'll make the stuffing.

Besides, everybody loves it.

Funny, I don't remember voting.

Uh, no offense, you guys

but none of you can
hold a candle to my
stuffing.

That's because it's so dry,
it'd go up in flames.

All I know is,
I've been making my stuffing

for Philip since he was a boy.

And he always asks for more.

Oh, we all know
what a picky eater he is.

Now, Will. Will.
You grew up on my stuffing.

Now, you tell everybody
who's the best.

- Oh, well, come on, mom--
- Uh-uh-uh!

Excuse us. Son.
Son, come here.

Let me give you
a little piece of advice,
huh?

Never take sides
when women are arguing.

You can't win.

Well, Uncle Phil,
this is my mom.

I think it'll be alright.

Look at me, boy.

Lesson number one,
whatever you say is wrong.

Mm.

We're all family here,
Uncle Phil.

I don't think
it's quite that serious.

Well, mom, I think

that your stuffing
is the best in the world.

- Yes.
- What?

Oh, I mean, I'm saying, at least

t-that's what I thought
before I tried

Grandma Hattie's herb stuffing.
Now, whoo!

Hey, what is it in there,
the rosemary

that just drives me crazy?

What?

Um, well, I mean,
n-n-nothing compares to

Aunt Helen's
mushroom and bacon stuffing.

Ain't that right, Uncle Phil?

[clicks tongue]

- Will?
- Well, Aunt Viv.

I mean, when I first tried
your apricot stuffing

I was like, "Whoo!"

Ain't, a-ain't that right,
Uncle Phil? Heh.

You gonna leave me hanging out
here like this, huh?

How about y'all make them all?

- That's a good idea.
- Hey, yes.

- Okay, I'm for that.
- 'I'll get to cook this year.'

And you can judge which is best.

[laughs]

The both of you.

[instrumental music]

Oh, my God.

Have you ever seen so many
fashion don'ts in one room?

Okay, Hill.
Look, here's the plan.

We get in, do our good deed
and get out.

Great.

Wait, I don't see
the camera crew anywhere.

- Excuse me. Could you help me?
- The food's over there.

But I'll save a seat for you.

- Beauty is such a curse.
- Relax.

You have to be patient with
these people. Understanding.

- Excuse me.
- Hey, pal.

Can't you see I'm talking?

I'm Larry Wilmore.
The shelter manager.

Manager?
Carlton Banks here.

Wow, you're awfully young

to have such
an important position.

And fit too.

You work out, don't you?

So, Lare, listen.

I've taken the liberty
of drafting up

a little letter
of recommendation.

So if you'd be kind enough
to put your John Hancock--

Ah, Ms. Banks,
the film crew called

and they said they're gonna
be
a little delayed.

But in the meantime, Sylvia over
there will give you your jobs.

Oh, don't be silly.
I already have a job.

I'm a famous talk-show hostess.

Well, not exactly famous,
but I would be

if more people watched my show.

But really, how famous was Oprah
before she was famous?

Sylvia. Uh, Hilary and
Carlton
need their assignments.

And I suddenly need
my medication. Excuse me.

We'll talk later, Lare.

Okay. Here you go.

Oh, no, thank you.
I'm already fully accessorized.

- Come on. Come on. Come on.
- Come on! Come on! Come on!

Oh, man.

He can't catch a cold.

Phil honey, I need you and Will
to move that luggage upstairs.

Relax. Relax.

Right after this play,
sweetheart.

That should give us
at least another half hour.

[laughs]

You know,
I once told her that

the Fiesta Bowl
was a three-day event.

I didn't have to do
anything all weekend.

Nicky, we are learning
from the master.

[sighs]
Holidays are the reason
they should've passed the ERA.

Give it a rest.

Ooh. The student
has become the teacher.

[instrumental music]

Alright. Vy, I'm gonna need
this area to chop up my onions.

No, no, no.
Not before I chop up my parsley.

I don't want your onions
ruining my stuffing.

Believe me, you don't need
my
onions to ruin your
stuffing.

Children, please.

Just like you,
moving in on somebody.

You're the one to talk.

I had my own room
before you came along.

Why don't you let that go?

You hold on to things
like a Rottweiler.

Now, why did you
have to go there?

What are you talking about,
"Holding on to something.."

I'm glad I never had daughters.

Just push your little onions
right over there.

'You can't make no..'

(Vivian)
'Did you move that luggage yet?'

We'll get it right after
this play, Aunt Viv.

(Vivian)
'Now!'

I'm sorry,
what'd I do wrong?

You didn't believe.

Come on, let's get
this big piece first.

Alright.

Oh. Alright. Come on.
Count of three, Uncle Phil.

- Okay. Take it easy now, Will.
- Alright.

Ready? Okay. One, two..

Oh, come on, man.
Look at this stuff.

I don't believe this guy.

Mommy, daddy's fallen
and he can't get up.

[groaning]

What happened?

Philip, what happened?

[groaning]

Oh, my back.
My back went completely out.

Oh, honey,
I'll call the doctor.

Why didn't you lift?

But, Uncle Phil,
you never said three.

I did say three.
I said, one, two, three.

No-no, you didn't, Uncle
Phil.

You said, "One, two."
But then when..

I said, three.

Oh, God.
I just need to lie down.

- Here. Let me give you a hand.
- Don't touch me!

Oh, Philip, honey,
what happened in here?

Oh, my poor baby.

Can I get you anything?

I'll take a gin and tonic.

Could somebody put a pillow
under my legs, please?

Of course.

- Oh!
- Oh, my stuffing.

Honey, I just talked
to Dr. Selkin.

He can't see you
until Monday morning.

But his physical therapist
is available tomorrow afternoon.

Oh, well, I guess
I just have to wait, then.

Oh, honey, just lay here.

If you need anything,
I'll be in the kitchen.

You cannot trust those women.

Oh, no, but, Viv-Viv-Vivian,
you just..

Get away from me.

Look, Uncle Phil,
you're obviously in pain,
man.

Why wait until tomorrow?

Come on, I say we hop
in the car right now

head down to one of them
acu-pressure places.

I don't think so.

Yeah, yeah. You're probably
right, Uncle Phil.

And, you know, tonight,
while we're all

in the dining room
having turkey

and four different kinds
of stuffing

and mashed potatoes,
and sweet potato pie

cranberry sauce--

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

And-and-and little tiny
onions

swimming in a sea
of-of cream sauce.

Yeah, you gonna be right here
on the couch.

You know, b-but that's alright.
Don't even worry about it.

You know, I'll have
a word with Geoffrey.

Have him mix you up,
like a turkey smoothie.

Well, well, now, Will, I..

I am in pain.

Yeah, that's right, Uncle Phil.

Come on, man,
n-now, let's get in the car.

- Let's head down there.
- Okay, okay. Careful now.

- Al-alright. On three.
- Count of three. Okay.

Ready? One, two, three.

- Oh, come on.
- Aah!

[groaning]

That time,
you definitely said three.

[instrumental music]

Hey, can you hook me up
with some more potatoes?

Move it along.
Everyone gets the same
amount.

But I'm a growing boy.

Just because
somebody stunted your growth

doesn't mean you need
to take it out on me.

Is that a short joke?

Why, did it go over your head?

Now, that was a short joke.

Look, you mangy little
rapscallion..

Hey, Mr. Wilmore.

I'm just giving the customers
what they want.

How about some more turkey,
young fella?

Just tell me when.

What are you doing?

This food
has to feed everybody.

You know, for somebody
who wants to go to Princeton

I'd expect more common
sense.

Hey.

Maybe you ought to look
into community college.

[laughs]

Hold on, there.

I ain't done yet.

Wait.

Ain't you that beautiful lady
from before?

Oh, yes, I am.

Damn, baby.

Look like somebody hit you
with an ugly stick.

Sylvia, you can tell Mr. Wilmore
that I quit.

Is that what you want me to tell
the news crew when they show up?

You wouldn't.

Try me.

This isn't fair.

[crying]

Oh, please don't be mean to me.

Well, I guess
you don't have to be

any kind of actress
to be a talk-show host.

Great, a critic.

I don't see why you're
making me clear dishes.

You wanna wash?

That's a good one.

No, I was thinking
of something

more along the line
of hostessing.

I mean, I could greet
the people as they come in

with a smile
and hand them their menus

and take them to their
seats.

Clear.

I'll split my tips with you.

Clear.

- Are you alright, Uncle Phil?
- Yeah.

Now, come on. Come on.

Take it easy. Take it easy.
Hey, hi.

Hey, hey, let's go here and
let's lay you down on the couch

so you can get comfortable,
alright? Alright.

We're gonna go down on the count
of three. You ready?

I'm gonna go ahead
and let you take your own count.

- Don't touch me.
- Alright.

Hey. How you doing?

May I help you?

Actually, it's for my uncle,
you know?

He needs a deep-tissue massage.

As you can see, the brother
do got some deep tissue.

You know what I'm saying?
You know?

What about you?

Oh, no, no. I'm cool.
I'm-I'm alright, thanks.

I'll give you
the massage personally.

Actually, I do got a kink right
in here, you know. Very tight.

Is dinner ready yet?

Not quite, honey. Almost.

Well, can't you just hit me with
a little somethin'-somethin'?

Not until dinner, honey.

Aw, man.

Yes!

I make this stuffing
for all my men.

And they always come back
for more.

Yeah, because they forgot
their shoes.

You're just jealous, Vy.

Jealous because I'm fine.

Fine. Fine.

Well, I've been told
that I'm very sexy.

Nine hundred numbers
don't count.

Geoffrey, what do you think?

Who's more desirable?

It's a tie. You both lose.

Oh, Ashley, honey,
would you like to help?

Help set women back
a hundred years?

No, thank you.

Oh, shut up, Ashley.

[instrumental music]

Just my luck.

There's some fire
that's delayed the news
crew.

They might not even
make it here.

Oh, you just can't catch
a break, can you?

You do understand.

Oh, who asked you, anyway?

Hey, uh, I didn't get you in
trouble with the old man, did I?

Move it along, rat boy.

And I didn't mean anything
by the short crack.

Isn't there a vending machine
you should be kicking over

or-or some other havoc
you should be wreaking?

Oh, I see.

Just because
I'm in a place like this

I should be
committing crimes?

What kind of a narrow-minded

elitist view of the world
do you have?

'I mean, you come down here
once a year'

give a guy a couple slices
of turkey

and all of a sudden you think
you're better than he is?

I-I didn't mean anything by it.

I had you going.

You're a gullible little fellow,
aren't you?

Today is your lucky day.
You get a choice of body oils.

We have cinnamon, honeysuckle

and our holiday special,
cranberry.

Do you have anything
a little lower in cholesterol?

[laughs]

Baby, you could use Pennzoil,
olive oil

hell, you can even buff me up
with some Turtle Wax.

I don't care.

Just work it, girl.

Oh, this is heavenly. Oh!

Oh, that's definitely
the right spot.

[groaning softly]

Oh, that is definitely my spot.

How you living over there,
Uncle Phil?

I believe the correct term
is large.

How about you?

Oh, it is all good.

Would you like the special?

Baby, I will take the
special
with a side of coleslaw

and some extra biscuits.

One special coming right up.

[screaming]

Will, we're getting out of here.

Uh, y-yeah, Uncle Phil.

You-you go ahead
and warm the car up.

I'll be out
in about ten minutes.

Now!

[whispering]
Call me. You call me.

I can't believe
I let you talk me into this.

This ain't no big deal.

- Freeze.
- Oh!

Yeah, m-maybe
this is a big deal, Uncle Phil.

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪