The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 6, Episode 1 - Burnin' Down the House - full transcript

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

Oh, Lord, help me, no!

Pardon me.

Hey, look, Uncle Phil,
no disrespect, man

but you got to watch
where you parkin' that
thing.

Man, you know,
get s-some flashing lights

or some horns or somethin'.

[beeping]

[chuckles]

I'm gonna just go ahead
and shut up now.



You've been sitting on this
couch all morning.

A little bored?

- Oh, no, man. I'm cool.
- Mm.

What you readin'?

A postcard from Carlton.

He's doing something
with his summer.

[scoffs]

[imitating Carlton]
"Dear Big Guy.

"Thanks a lot for sending me
to Young Republicans Camp.

"Yosemite's really neat.

Hey, I'm rooming
with Newt's nephew, Fig."

[scoffs]
I wouldn't make fun of them.

These kids are gonna be the
future leaders of this country.

[all shouting]



[cheering]

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life got
flipped turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how
I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say that
this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to the house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell ya later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

You know why you're bored,
don't you?

You miss your cousin Carlton.

Pfft. Ha!

Please, me miss Carlton?
Pfft.

I forgot all about him.

Ah, did he say
when he coming back?

Hi, everyone, guess what.

Wolfgang Puck
is coming on my show on Monday.

We're doing a cooking segment
together.

[chuckles]

Ms. Hilary in the kitchen?

[laughs]

Hey, you know what?
That's cool, Hil.

Hey, what do you say
we go hook somethin' up now?

You know,
I-I'll help you practice.

Help me cook?
You must really be bored.

Hey.

So, Geoffrey,
is everything ready

for Judge Walker's dinner
tonight?

To perfection, sir.

Oh, don't forget to put up
the plantation shutters, okay?

I've been bragging about your
cooking all week to the man.

Hey. Hey, hey, can I come?
Can I come?

Unfortunately, yes,
you will be there.

Cool.

The whole family will be there.

He's gonna
make his decision about

who is going to preside over
the Show-Biz Madam Trial.

Ew. She's so scuzzy.

I mean, it's bad enough that
she gets hookers for married men

but blue eye shadow?

Hello.

Yeah, you know,
that-that is a little stank.

Hey, G,
imagine a dude so desperate

that he'll pay for sex.

Imagine that.

In any event, this is a
career-making case, so I thought

it would be a good idea
to have the judge over and, uh..

- Kiss his butt?
- Exactly.

And I expect all of you
to be on your best behavior.

Do I make myself clear,
Will?

Yo, I'm gonna be cool,
Uncle Phil.

It's a couple of these other
rabble-rousers

you need to be worried about.

This is perfect.

I can prepare for my show

by watching Geoffrey
cook dinner tonight.

Oh, dear God.

Guys, I need help.

I'm gonna rehearse with J.L.

and I can't decide what to wear.

- I really like this one.
- 'Oh.'

Well, the only way
you're gonna wear this one

is if you wear that one over it.

Hey, Ashley, come on,
you don't need J.L. to help you.

I mean, I-I'll rehearse
the play with you.

God, Will, you must be really--

Bored! Yes.

Yes, I'm bored.

I'll do anything with
anybody.

Now,
somebody ask me to do something.

I'm gonna go practice my swing.

[instrumental music]

[imitates goat bleating]

Geoffrey, call down to the club
and confirm our foursome

with Judge Walker
and his wife, please.

- Certainly.
- Whoa, a foursome?

You're getting a little freaky
in your old age

huh, Uncle Phil?

[horn honks]

Coming, Vivian.

Hey, hey, Uncle Phil.

You know, this is your last
chance to make that a fifthsome.

[engine revving]

Call me from the country club,
alright?

You know the number.

He'll call.

But, Geoffrey, you have to teach
me how to flambe.

If I don't learn I'm gonna look
stupid on my show.

I'm afraid that ship has sailed.

Hey-hey, come on, G,
I wanna flambe.

Will, this is a private lesson.

Geoffrey can't be bothered
trying to teach a moron to cook.

Right, Geoffrey?

- Come on, G, come on.
- Now then, let's flambe.

First, you sprinkle this liqueur
over the bananas

and then light it with a match.

Oh, yo, I could do that, G.

Come on, le-let me light
the bananas, man.

- 'Cause all I gotta do is..
- Out, Master William.

[gibberish]

Let me light the..

Out!

'Alright.'

'You light it.'

- Voila.
- Hah!

[chuckles]
Oh! Hey, come on, come on.

I can do that, G. Voila.

Come on, man,
you gotta let me try that.

Voila.

I never knew bananas were
so flammable.

(Will)
'I'm going to kill you,
you little spider jerk.'

[imitating crashing]

Hey, yo, G.

G, come on, I'll let you be the
green dude this time.

Dang.

Just up and leave
without saying nothin'.

[scoffs]

Telling me I can't do
the flambe.

Voila.

I can't flambe.

Ooh. Ha, ha!

Voila.

[chuckles]

Shoot.

Oh!

[yelling]

Alright, alright. Stay down!

Down! Down!

Voila in reverse.

[Will Panting]

Oh, dang!

Get down! Stop it!

Stop it!

[grunting]

[music continues]

And I'm telling you that
Waterworks

and the Electric Company
are depreciable assets.

I don't care, you still have to
pay a luxury tax.

My dad will know.

[phone ringing]

[breathing heavily]

Hey, hello? Hello?

Hey, Carlton, look,
I can't talk right now.

The kitchen's on fire.
I'm burning the house down.

My house is on fire.
I have to leave now.

Toro! Toro!

[grunts]

Alright.

[grunts]

[panting]

[laughs]

[panting]

Oh, man. Oh.

[laughs]

Whoo. Ah!

That was close.

That was close.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God.

I don't believe it.

[exhales]

I almost burned
the kitchen down.

[smoke alarm beeping]

[yells]
Oh!

[yells]
Oh, no!

No!

[yells]

Auntie Em!

Auntie Em!

[sniffling]

Mama, no!

[sobbing]

[music continues]

Our work here is done.

You okay?

No, I'm not okay, man.

How could I do this?

I mean,
it ain't like I ain't done some

stupid stuff
since I been out here

but how am I supposed to
explain this?

Son, just how did this happen?

[sighs]

I had a little accident

cooking the flambe.

Flambe?

You torched your uncle's kitchen
cooking flambe?

[laughs]

Black folks ain't supposed to
cook flambe.

You stupid.

Hey, guys,
sissy boy been cooking flambe.

[laughs]

Ah! I hope I've been of
assistance to you.

Good evening, Master William.

Of all the rooms to burn
in your uncle's house.

The kitchen.

Are you mad, boy?

G, G, I'm telling you,
it was an accident, man.

Remember, I came in here and I
watched you poof the flambe?

I had liked it.

So then,
I came in and I had poofed.

But I poofed big.

Too big.

And I poofed the kitchen down.

G, Uncle Phil's big dinner
is tonight.

Hey, hey.

Man, look,
you gotta help me fix this.

- Good day, Master William.
- G, G, where you going?

I had a night of work ahead of
me in this kitchen

but now, as you can see,
there is no kitchen.

- Farewell. Cheerio.
- G, hold on.

G, wait a minute.

G! Listen, man,
Uncle Phil is going to kill me.

- You gotta help me.
- No.

G. G. Alright. Alright.

If not for me,
then do it for Uncle Phil.

If Uncle Phil walks in
and sees this

he's gonna blow up
in front of the judge

and that is gonna
wreck his chances.

Alright, G, I made a mistake.

I made a big mistake.

But it is my mistake,
not Uncle Phil's.

He shouldn't have to
suffer for it.

Look,
all I'm-all I'm asking you to do

is just help me
get through this dinner.

Just one night, G.

I'm begging you, man.

Please.

- No.
- G!

- Alright.
- Okay.

- Alright.
- Hey, thanks a lot, G.

Alright.
Look, um, I'm gonna go upstairs

I'm gonna see if I can find
a restaurant that'll
deliver.

And, uh, why don't you
stay down here

and see if you can,
uh, Pine-Sol

this little problem down
here?

[engine revving]

[brakes screech]

- Where you going?
- Los Angeles.

- Hop in.
- Oh.

[Carlton sighs]

Phew! Thanks for picking me up.

I left my wallet at the hotel.

Couldn't get a cab,
there are no planes or buses.

Phew! Boy, am I glad to see you.

Yeah. I'm glad to see you
too.

Halston?

Whoa, this is my stop.

Excuse me.
I'll be right back down.

Okay, darling.
Well, it's a shame

your wife couldn't
join us for dinner.

- Why?
- Uh..

Hey!

Hey,
look who's back from golfing.

- Will, this is Judge Walker.
- Hey, nice to meet you, judge.

[sniffs]
What is that smell?

Uh, well, uh, don't look at me.

You the one been out there
swinging them golf clubs

all day, you know what I mean?

- Ooh!
- No.

Mesquite?

Barbecue.

Phil,
are we having barbecue?

Is there something barbecued
back there?

Uh, yeah, you could say that.

Why don't we just walk back
there and see what is
cooking?

Wah!

[chuckles]

Hey, uh, wha-what,
and spoil the surprise?

- Will.
- No, he's right.

I wouldn't dream of
interrupting a chef at work.

That's right. Hey, listen.

Uncle Phil, why don't you show
him the-the library?

You know, man,
Uncle Phil got some, some books.

You know, "Britannica,"
"Webster's," "Playboy."

[Will chuckles]

Whoo. Man, we dodged that bullet
that time, G.

We? Isn't that a pronoun
that would include me?

You know,
that little attitude of yours

isn't helping anything, G.

Man, you..

...got the food.

Oh, my God.

Ashley, alright, hold up.

- Alright, hold, Ashley.
- How did this happen?

He did it.

- Well, does dad know?
- No.

Oh, he's gonna kill you.

Alright, that is exactly
why we cannot let him see this

till after the judge leaves.

Because murderers,
they're felons

and felons,
they can't be judges.

Kind of get where I'm going
with this here?

So this is our little secret,
me, you and Geoffrey.

- 'Oh, my God.'
- And Hilary.

So what I'm saying is

there shouldn't be a rich
or poor.

We should all just share
the wealth, man.

Oh, I beg to differ.

[engine revving]

[engine revving]

[instrumental music]

You know, Stanley,
we didn't get a chance

to discuss this
much on the golf course

but have you given any more
consideration

to you decision about
the show-biz--

Phil, have you ever eaten at
that little Hungarian place

down by the courthouse?

Ah!
They have a delicious
goulash.

Could I, uh,
trouble you for some water?

No trouble.
Where, where's Geoffrey?

(all)
I'll get him.

What are you doing?

Oh. Uh, just trying to be
helpful, daddy.

Ah, hey, listen,
why don't y'all just relax?

Uh, I'll get everybody
some water.

I'll get some water
for everybody.

[chuckles]

Wouldn't it be simpler if you
just got a pitcher, Will?

[laughs]

Good thinking, Uncle Phil.

Excellent judgment,
you know what I'm saying?

He got a good judgment.

[Will chuckles]

- Ain't that just like a judge?
- 'Ah!'

He a good judge.

- G, what is taking so long?
- I don't know.

Lack of a kitchen?

Look, I-I need a pitcher.

[scoffs]

[grunts]

Alright, cool.

But the best fried chicken
in town

is this little joint two blocks
down from the courthouse.

Will, what is this?

Oh, uh.. That's just a little
mineral water, Aunt Viv.

Go ahead,
it's good for you. Drink up.

You know, they make it two ways,
extra crispy and extra spicy.

But I can't take the extra
spicy.

Lord knows I love it,
but it doesn't love me.

Ah..

Excuse me for, uh,
just a second.

[door clatters]

Ixnay on the Indian food.
Judge can't take spicy.

[stammers]

Come on, man, don't just
stand there. Help me.

This is insanity.

[panting]
I want no part of this,
Master William.

You have gone too far.

Look, if I got to hose down some
poultry to pull this off

then that's what I'm gonna do.

Are you with me?

[groans]

Red or brown?

G, red or brown?

- Don't make me choose.
- Red or brown?

Ooh..

Brown.

And the next thing I know, I'm
on this train heading for home.

[scoffs]
So all in all, this has been

the most bizarre night
of my life.

Do you ever wonder what makes
your skin stay on?

[chugging]

Bon appetite,
mesdames et messieurs.

- Philip, how about a toast?
- 'Oh.'

Just make it quick.
It's getting cold.

- To warm food.
- 'Yeah.'

[Philip sighs]

Hmm.

'Hmm.'

'Mm.'

Oh, sweet mama.
Now, that's chicken.

I've said it before
and I'll say it again.

Show me a man
that knows good food

and I'll show you
a man of good judgment.

And you, Phil,
are a man of good judgment.

Yes.

But before I congratulate you

I wanna congratulate your chef.

No.

You know, I think we all should.

Oh, but, daddy..

- Daddy, Geoffrey's so shy.
- Oh, we'd just embarrass him.

Hey, you know what I think
we all need?

A nice brisk walk
around the block.

- Come on, who's with me?
- Oh, yeah.

Have fun. Let's go.

(Will)
'Uh, uh..'

- Please, have a seat.
- Yo, Geoffrey!

[chuckling]
How was your dinner, sir?

Oh, incredible.
You are a magician.

Oh, you're too kind.
It was nothing.

No more trouble than
ordering in.

Oh. You're much too modest.

[chuckles]

Oh, thank God you're
alright.

- Carlton?
- What are you doing here?

Well, when Will told me
the kitchen was on fire

I didn't know what to
expect.

- What?
- What?

Um..

Um, we had a little mishap
in the kitchen earlier, but..

- Oh!
- It's cool, though.

It's cool, though.

- What in the world?
- Oh, my God!

You were able to prepare
a magnificent meal like that

in there?

I think if I could steal you
away, I would.

Please hold that thought,
sir.

Uh, Uncle Phil, I can explain.

Uh, now, son, well..

The most important thing is that
you're okay.

What?

Things can be replaced.

This is a special family.

Vivian. Philip.

'Thank you for a wonderful
evening.'

And this man will have you
on the Supreme Court in no time.

[chuckles]

Uncle Phil?

You gonna let me go anytime
soon?

No, Will.

That's cool.

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪