The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990–1996): Season 4, Episode 8 - Blood Is Thicker Than Mud - full transcript

Excuse me.

Girl, I hope these Greek clowns
clean up after themselves.

A bunch of messy,
inconsiderate children.

So which house are you joining?

Girl, you know I ain't
into that frat stuff.

It's for a bunch of pocket-protector-
wearing, no-social-life-having losers.

Let the pledging begin.

The defense rests, Your Honor.

Will thinks fraternities
are a waste of time.

Maybe for him.

But the more activities I'm involved in,
the better I look to Princeton.



Besides, these guys
know how to have fun.

We're Delta Kappa Tau
We'd like to take a bow

We got the highest grades
And we will tell you how

We study, study, study
For professional careers

We drink a lot of Ovaltine
But never any beers

Revenge of the Nerds: Part Six.

We're Lambda Kappa Nu
Our blood is very blue

Our money's old
Our cards are gold

And who the heck are you?

Where's, like, a big gong
when you need one, you know?

Make way for the brothers
of Phi Beta Gamma.

Phi Beta Gamma step

Black

Gold



Black

Gold

Man! Hey, I guess
that's a tough choice, huh, Carlton?

I'll say.

Can I hear yours again?

Well, my gold card has a hologram
of Lee lacocca on it.

Excuse us, guys,
it's time for a Negro moment.

Carlton, wouldn't you rather
join a fraternity...

...where the guys look more like you?

I was.

Didn't you notice
we all had alligator shirts on?

- What up, Philly boy.
- What's up, man?

I haven't seen you at the courts lately.
I miss our one-on-one.

Now, Top Dog,
you know when it's me against you...

...it's one-on-none.

I can't play on them tired courts
y'all be playing on, man.

You haven't been there in a while.

Me and my frat brothers,
we raised money...

...and we hooked them
rims up proper.

Are you in a fraternity?
And here I thought you had a life.

Hey, man, I run the fraternity.

Hey, why don't you check us out.

Oh, no, man,
fraternities ain't my flavor.

See you at the frat tonight.

But, I will have
a double scoop of that, though.

Hey, hey, hey.

We also do a lot of work
for the community, brother.

Like visit down at the senior center.

And we also tutor kids
down at the juvenile hall.

Oh, terrific.

The Princeton people love to see
community service on applications.

I wouldn't really have to go
to juvenile hall, would I?

I hear those kids
are real troublemakers.

We need a little humor
down at the frat house.

Well, it don't get no littler
than cousin Carlton.

What's up, Carlton? Top Dog.

Think about it, Philly boy.

You too, cousin.

Us brothers need to stick together.

Yes, sir.

Twenty-six years of marriage
and I find you in bed with a cheerleader.

Lazlo, how could you?

Tune in tomorrow
for another episode of All My Fault.

What a sleaze.

I hope Mary dumps Lazlo's sorry butt.

Me too. You think she would've learned
after he lied about neutering the cat.

She really hasn't been the same
since she had that sex change.

- Yeah, I guess you're right about that.
- Listen to yourselves.

You're caught up in the lives
of make-believe characters.

I'll tell you what, Mom,
I'll watch the baby...

...go to a museum
and take Hilary with you.

Ashley, the only reason
we get involved in this kind of stuff...

...is that real life sometimes
is kind of boring.

- What's that?
- Harley-Davidson '58 panhead.

I used to date a biker.

- Was that a ride or was that a ride?
- Great.

Maybe next time
we can actually hit second gear.

- Philip, what's going on?
- What's it look like, Vivian?

Looks like a bunch of middle-aged men
with too much time on their hands.

Hey, we're bikers.

Dan, you're an accountant.

Got a moment, Fonzie?

Are you crazy?

I told you I was gonna
buy a bike someday, Vivian.

Well, you also told me
you were gonna lose 50 pounds.

A motorbike is so dangerous.

Well, just look at it this way.

If I take a fall,
I have a 50-pound cushion.

Honey, you've also got an infant son
who needs you in one piece.

I don't see Dan's wife
giving him any heat over this.

From what Helen tells me...

...she ain't giving him any heat
anywhere else either.

Oh, you women discuss that?

You'd be surprised what we talk about.

Honey, be reasonable.

Get off the midlife-crisis highway
and come home.

Oh, yeah, I can't wait
to see your first hot flash.

- Uncle Phil, what's up with the bike?
- Look, I bought me a motorcycle.

It was my decision, and
I don't wanna hear any more about it.

Must be that midlife crisis thing
Aunt Viv warned us about.

- So how are things at school?
- Great.

Dad, I'm thinking of pledging
Phi Beta Gamma.

- Judge Morton is a Gamma.
- He's also an alcoholic.

No, that's Judge Martin.

So that's great, son.
You're a real college man now, huh?

Thanks, Dad.
Well, I think I'm gonna go take my nap.

So I take it you're not pledging?

Oh, no. You know, Uncle Phil,
I got a reputation more as a free spirit.

Will, I wouldn't sell fraternity life short.
You might get something out of it.

True. They do a lot of work
in the community and stuff.

The Gammas are a good group.

Why don't you give it a shot.

The frat leader does need
a little help with his jumping.

Maybe I'll join as, like, a mercy thing.

That's good.

- So hop on, I'll take you for a ride.
- Oh, that's cool.

Oh, but you better not try
none of that run-out-of-gas stuff, mister.

Pledges...

...on behalf of the brothers
of Phi Beta Gamma, I welcome you.

The journey begins.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just relax, Magellan.

All right, at this time, I'd like to turn it
over to big Brother Top Dog.

- Your pledge leader.
- Attention!

Busters.

I hope you like your new uniforms.

You will be wearing them for a week.

Excuse me, Mr. Top Dog, sir.

Pledge Banks, you only speak
when you are spoken to.

Well, are you speaking to me now,
or are you?

I'm sorry, but I think
everyone here will agree...

...that wearing the same thing for a
week is not good hygiene. Right, fellas?

So Pledge Banks likes
to wash clothes.

Actually, my butler handles
the laundry.

- Your butler?
- Yes, Geoffrey.

He's a whiz with my fine washables.

Pledge Banks, where are you from?

Bel-Air.

South central Bel-Air.

I live right across the street
from the Aaron Spelling mansion.

You know,
the producer of Beverly Hills, 90210?

- I don't watch it.
- You don't know what you're missing.

Dylan's on the verge
of getting back with Brenda.

You are on the verge
of making a fool out of yourself.

They really
getting back together, though?

It looks like to me
our floor needs a little scrub.

And a wax and a polish too,
I might add.

It's a good idea, Pledge Banks.

Pledges, get busy.

And you can thank Pledge Banks
for doubling your workload.

No need to thank him all at once,
fellas.

- What's up with that fool?
- Who?

Who? Will's cousin.

Brother from another planet.

Come on now, Dog,
you hardly know the guy.

I know all I need to know.

I'm gonna teach him
the true meaning of "hell week."

Hello, you poor excuses for pledges.

Greetings, big Brother Top Dog
of Phi Beta Gamma.

Today, we're splitting up into groups.

I'm taking Philly boy
and money bags to block.

Hey, we're gonna play
Hollywood Squares.

Hey, Carlton.

Do you realize that they're working you
harder than everybody else?

Nonsense.

Everyone had to help
re-tar the parking lot.

Yeah, but the rest of us
got to wear shoes.

Yeah, well, it'll all be worth it
when I hear them call me "brother."

I gotta tell you, Top Dog, I don't like
what you're doing with Brother Banks.

I didn't ask you.

Lazlo, how could you?

Mary, I couldn 't help myself.

Well, Ashley, the museum closed?

I had no idea
how much Mary was suffering.

Damn that Lazlo.

Ashley, he doesn't know
how much his actions...

...are hurting the people
who love him.

That's because he's selfish
and self-centered.

I see your mother's been
poisoning your minds.

Vivian.

Look, I've come to my senses.

The bike is gone.

- It is?
- Yes, sweetheart.

Motorcycles and black leather
will never make me feel as young...

...as the love of a good woman.

With you by my side,
I will never grow old.

I love you.

Oh, sir, the body shop called.

They said your motorcycle
is completely totaled.

Thank you, Geoffrey.

Oh, and the insurance company said...

...you're covered for the damages
to the ice-cream truck...

...but have to pay
for that box of Eskimo Pies you ate.

I said, thank you, Geoffrey.

My pleasure, sir.

Will there be anything else?
My favorite soap is about to start.

What would that be,
One Life To Ruin?

Sir.

Well, if I told you the truth,
you would have said, "I told you so."

Try me.

Okay, well, I accidentally left
the bike in gear...

...and it ran into a Mr. Icy Pop truck.

- I knew that bike was dangerous.
- That's an "I told you so."

- It is not.
- Is too.

Philip, what do you want from me?

I don't know.

A kiss.

I broke my bike.

Here I go.
Ladies, let the games begin.

Don't you think it's cruel
to have a party...

...before they tell us
whether we're in or not?

Well, of course, it's cruel, Carlton,
but look on the bright side...

...next year we get to do it
to somebody else.

Do you really think we made it?

Hey, look, man, whether we did or not,
you hung in there, and I'm proud of you.

You're proud of me?

You've never said that to me before
in my life.

- Give me a hug.
- Don 't.

You see, man, that is exactly
why I'll never tell you nothing.

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

Girl, if God made anything
prettier than you...

...I hope he kept it for himself.

Okay.

Yo, Dog, did you see baby?

Yo, she was fine.

Yeah, that's just the tip
of the iceberg, my brother.

Well then, mush, you huskies.

Hey, Top Dog, do you think
the DJ has any Rod Stewart...

...or Neil Diamond?

Gee, Carlton, I don't know.

The last time we played them,
the party just kind of got out of hand.

I know what you mean.

You should see what happens
at their concerts.

Yo, homey, I'm not supposed
to say anything...

...but you have nothing
to worry about.

You're in.

- Your word, me and Carlton got in?
- Well, not exactly.

I mean, you're cool and all,
but Carlton...

...well, he's not exactly our type.

Say, what do you mean, "not our type"?

Well, Carlton is not like you and me.

You know what I'm saying?

No, I don't know what you're saying.

Will, Carlton doesn't exactly exemplify
what I think a Phi Beta Gamma is.

Oh, and what is that?

Well, it's not Ralph Lauren shirts...

...wingtip shoes
and corporate America.

We don't need a brother like him
in this fraternity.

Man, he is exactly what you need
in this fraternity.

I mean, Carlton has been
a straight-A student since preschool.

He gives you 150 percent every time.

Look, Will, I realize he's your cousin
and you have to defend him...

...but this discussion is closed.

All right.

Carlton.

Carlton, Carlton.

Come on, let's go, I didn't get in.

What? Why?

Look, I don't know, man.
Come on, just let's go.

How dare you not take Will.

He's full of potential.

That's why we want him.
It's you we don't want.

Me?

But I did everything.

I cooked, I cleaned,
I hand-washed your toilets.

Everything your butler does for you.

I'm not accepting no prep school,
Bel-Air bred sellout into my fraternity.

- Homey, you can stop all that...
- Wait, Will.

I got this one.

You think I'm a sellout, why?

Because I live in a big house
or I dress a certain way?

Or maybe it's because
I like Barry Manilow.

He mean Barry White, y'all.

Being black isn't what I'm trying to be,
it's what I am.

I'm running the same race
and jumping the same hurdles you are...

...so why are you tripping me up?

You said we need to stick together...

...but you don't even know
what that means.

If you ask me, you're the real sellout.

Yeah, that's right, boy.

And in the words
of my illustrious cousin:

"We will make like a tree and leave."

Hey, look, you don't speak
for the rest of us, Dog.

I'm gonna have you
kicked out of here.

"Make like a tree and leave"?

I never say that.

It's "make like a banana and split."

I'll keep that in mind, all right?

Lazlo, how could you?

Oh, get over it, Mary.
I'm leaving you for your brother.

Oh, you... You've got to tape this
for me tomorrow.

Damn that Lazlo.

Hey, are we looking
at the newest Phi Beta Gammas?

No. Apparently, I'm not enough
of a brother to be a brother.

What?

Pledge leader said
he didn't like sellouts.

Well, who does?

I mean, you wait and wait...

...and when you finally get to the front
of the line, everything's gone.

You know, this...

This really irritates me.

I have worked very hard
to give my family a good life...

...and suddenly somebody tells me
there's a penalty for success.

I'm sorry
you had to go through this, son.

When are we gonna stop doing this
to each other?

Well, I wouldn't have to go down
to juvenile hall, would I?

I mean, I hear those kids really are...

...you know, bad and messed up.

- Excuse me.
- And I'm gonna go... Yeah. Wow.

Ja... Well, the Kamma...

- The Jamma Gammas are...
- The Ja... The who?

- The Jamma Gammas.
- The... The...

- The bad mama jamma.
- The bad mama jammas, yeah.

I hope Mary dumps that so... See?

- The... The... The bad mama jamma.
- The bad mama jammas, yeah.