The Freak Brothers (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Candidate - full transcript
[upbeat music playing]
[exhales heavily]
[squeaks]
Feels good to provide a meal
for the Switzers, don't it boys?
They provided it, Freddy.
We're just cookin' it.
It's just nice to all be together.
Ow! Goddamnit!
One dumbshit's hand, burnt to a crisp!
Put it out! Put it out!
- [screams]
- [laughs]
He's high as fuck.
[laughs] Oops.
What the fuck! Where did that come from?
Surprise, surprise, motherfuckas.
Man who raps! Two-Ton!
Phineas, it's starting to brick.
Maybe we should go inside.
Schoolboy Q, we thought you
drowned when we sunk your yacht,
the Lucky Motherfucker. [Chuckles]
You ain't that lucky, motherfucker.
If you're here for dinner,
there's not enough.
That wasn't a fat joke, but it coulda been.
It's hurtful, nevertheless.
You wrecked my golf cart and sank my yacht.
Bruh, I'm here to kill you Freaks.
Two-Ton, gimme my sawed-off, bruh.
I didn't bring the shotgun, Q.
I brought the brick. The
brick was my responsibility.
Oh, my... Fine, man.
Then I'll kill them with this.
[Noah] Hi-ya!
Check it out! I e-Buyed
this rare 18th century katana
for my collection.
[pants]
- Oh! [Screams]
- Whoa!
Damn, y'all got muscle now?
Oh, good evening, gentlemen.
New friends of yours from the job fair?
[grunts]
Y'all lucky you all got that samurai here.
But ain't nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
I'mma end you bitches.
- We out Two-Ton.
- [laughs]
Boy, does this guy hold a grudge or what?
[laughs] All right, let's
eat before he comes back
and kills us.
Theme music playing...
♪ Brother, hmm
♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪
♪ And we just woke up In year 2020 ♪
♪ Roll another J And forget the day ♪
♪ Roll another J And get high ♪
♪ Roll another J And forget the day ♪
♪ Me and my brothers Getting fried ♪
♪ The Freak Brothers
*THE FREAK BROTHERS*
[inhales]
*THE FREAK BROTHERS*
Season 01 Episode 08
Episode Title: "The Candidate"
Aired on: December 26, 2021.
You heard the rapper.
We can't run, we can't hide.
We should run to Canada and hide there.
He'd find us eventually.
Plus, I don't wanna leave.
- Who wants salad?
- Is that my beach hat?
What happened to the salad bowl?
I'm saving it to wear to the beach.
Aw, this all looks delicious, boys!
If you like your salad with broken glass
and a shit ton of pepper, that's for you.
Perhaps the culinary
arts are not your calling.
Maybe stick to batting balls of yarn.
- [chuckles]
- [grunts, chuckles]
Whoops. Thought it was a ball of yarn.
Mom! Dad!
Taylor Swift is gonna be at Colopalooza!
Ya know, it's times like
these I wish I spoke Chinese.
What's Colopalooza?
[scoffs] Only the greatest
music festival in the world!
With the best artists of today!
[phone beeps]
♪ I wanna be afraid... ♪
Whoo! [Screams]
♪ Don't wanna be safe ♪
♪ Whatever it takes Just to feel... ♪
[farts]
How you like my twerking, Chomsky?
Inferior animal.
Good Christ! Stop that
god-awful caterwalin'!
[music stops]
Taylor Swift's the greatest
musician there ever was.
Can I please go to Colopalooza?
Camille, you're not old
enough for a music festival.
Ask us again in 20 years.
There'll be acts for old people too. Look!
[announcer] And new to our Hall of Legends,
Mr. Mojo Risin' himself, Jim Morrison!
Wow. Jim Morrison looks
like he's 25 years old.
Yeah, that seems about right.
How long has he been part
of this Palookaville festival?
The ad said "new" so they
probably just added him.
Let me see that.
So Jim Morrison is a "new arrival."
He "just got here," is that
what you're telling me?
- Yeah, I guess so, Phineas.
- That's it!
Franklin, Freddy, basement!
Ow! There's fucking glass in here!
[announcer] Mr. Mojo Risin' himself...
There's no other explanation.
Jim Morrison time traveled to 2020!
Then he must know how
to get us back to 1969.
Exactly.
And that's the one place
we can hide from Schoolboy.
He'll never find us in the past!
You mean we can go home?
I'd get to see Kitty again! I miss her so.
Uh, what the fuck?
[chuckles] I'm right here.
Hi, Kitty! I was just talking about you.
Hey. Put your shoes on. Your feet stink.
Well, since you traveled all this way.
- Ooh.
- It's settled then.
We go to the festival and ask Jim Morrison
how to get back to the late '60s.
Yeah, I guess that's what we'll do.
Lemme guess, Franklin.
You're poutin' about leaving Gretchen.
She's the best thing that's
ever happened to me, man.
And you'll be the worst thing
that's ever happened to her.
As long as Schoolboy's after
us, she's in danger. We gotta go.
Well, that's settled.
All right, let's see what everyone swiped
from the dinner table.
Which one of you idiots got a corkscrew?
[psychedelic music playing]
[crowd cheering]
- [loud music playing]
- [indistinct clamor]
[scoffs] You call this a music festival?
They have bathrooms and real medics.
[heart monitor beeping]
Crack your head open at Woodstock,
Crazy Mary would just give
you a hug and a tab of acid.
It cured my broken finger!
And where are the Hell's Angels?
They have actual security guards here.
Yeah, well, back in the day,
I busted hippies and freaks
from the Haight to the Tenderloin...
Hey, what are you doing?
This is an exit, not an entrance.
Is that how you got the
nickname Norbert the Narc?
I gave myself that name! [Chuckles]
So people would treat me with respect.
Uh, but a narc is like a tattletale.
No, dude. Worse than a tattletale.
- Like a dick.
- [chuckles] No, dude.
Worse than a dick! Like a fucking dick!
[chuckles] No, dude.
Like a big fucking dick
that nobody likes or wants to be around.
Anyway, like I said, I busted them all.
There was only one that got away.
Well, three, actually,
but I count them as one.
You add their three brains
together and round up.
My arch-nemenies.
[knocking on door]
[indistinct chatter]
Howdy doo, fellow hippies.
Any cool cats at home?
Just one moment, please.
- It's Norbert the Narc!
- Everyone, hide your shit!
[indistinct clamor]
Come right in, fellow hippie.
Anybody got any of that
sweet Mary Jane-wanna?
[chuckles]
Hey, the heck is wrong with your hat?
[hesitates] Ain't nothing wrong with...
[screams] Get this thing off of me.
Aha! Marijuana and marijuana paraphernalia!
All you hippies are under arre... [groans]
Come on, Freddy! Let's
book before he comes to!
Hey, don't forget to
draw a dick on his head!
[Freddy] And don't
forget the balls. [Laughs]
[laughing fades]
Anyway, one day they just disappeared.
- [gasps]
- Cool story, Narc!
- Bi... bi... bitch, bitch!
- [groans]
[Franklin] Huh.
You'd think legends would
play on a bigger stage.
[rock music playing]
Hey, fellas, look! It's Jimi Hendrix!
He hasn't aged a day. -[Music stops]
Whoa! Where'd Jimi go?
Back to 1969, obviously.
- Another time traveler!
- [rock music starts playing]
There's Morrison. Let's
go introduce ourselves.
- [Phineas] 'Scuse us.
- [Franklin] Pardon.
[man] Hey, watch it...
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Excuse me, Mr. Lizard King?
Jim! Phineas Phreakers, also from 1969.
Can you give us a ride back?
A Black rap singer is gonna end us bitches.
Thank you all for coming.
Next show begins on the hour.
Please visit the merchandise booth.
What's with this guy?
He's ignoring us, man.
He's not real, you
poor, brain-fried weirdos.
That's a hologram! [Laughs]
[dramatic music playing]
I'm not saying I knew it
the whole time, I'm saying
I figured it out several
seconds before you two did.
Morrison's been dead
since 1971! "Time travel."
What the fuck was I listening to you for?
Uh, you know the worst part?
A few minutes earlier, we coulda
gone back with Jimi Hendrix.
- Hmm.
- [gasps]
[Phineas] Yeah. We're dead
men. Schoolboy's gonna kill us.
Maybe he forgot about us.
He forgot to bring his
shotgun to the house.
He's a forgetful person.
Every moment is precious.
Let's score some primo weed
and get so stoned we won't feel the pain.
Of being shot. In the face, no doubt.
[suspenseful music playing]
Calling all units! The big fish are here,
and they're looking to score!
Come watch the master reel 'em in.
[gasps] Come on.
[indistinct loud cheering]
Any of these tattoo-covered,
mystery-gender kids
look like drug dealers?
- Uh, every single one?
- [indistinct clamor]
Taylor, can I have your
autograph? I love you.
Oh. [Groans]
♪ Look what you made
me do Do, do, do, do! ♪
[laughs]
Hey, it's that Swifty
Taylor lady Camille likes!
You mean the one with
the derivative melodies
and fluffy, shallow lyrics? No, thank you.
[whispers indistinctly]
Um, excuse me.
Taylor heard what you said about her music.
- She'd like a word.
- Eh, all right.
You boys go on ahead.
I'll get Camille an autograph
for my last earthly act. RIP.
I'm rollin' with the mustache man.
A Kitty's gotta eat,
and a rock star gets their shit catered!
They're splitting up. I'll stay
with codename "Cowboy Hat."
[over radio] Repeat. Do you copy?
We're on it, dude.
[rock music playing]
[crowd cheering]
All right, big man. It's you and me.
Let's procure those psychedelics.
[man] I can help you.
Great! I'll have three tabs
of acid and a Dr. Pepper.
Huh? You're... you're... real.
We thought you were a hollow man.
Here's the deal, dig? I
did time travel from 1969.
And here's the trippy
part. I'm going back tonight.
- [clears throat]
- What?
My Dr. Pepper?
[Franklin] Lemme ask you, Miss Swift.
Why do you want my opinion?
Is... is it 'cause you,
like many young women,
find me appealing sexually? [Chuckles]
That depends. Are you a DJ, a Kennedy,
or the Jonas Brother no one talks about?
- No.
- Then not even slightly.
Don't matter anyway.
I already got me a very special gal.
Franklin, I'm surrounded
by hangers on and yes-men.
They're all afraid to tell me the truth.
Here's a truth for you. Your songs suck.
They sound like they're
written for nine-year-old girls.
They are.
Darlin', none of us is
on this earth forever.
You wanna sing about
bubble gum and soda pop,
or you wanna take a
little piece of your heart
and rip it out for all the
world to see? I mean hear!
Yes! How do I do that?
How do I rip out that piece of my heart?
Well, let me ask you this.
When you're makin' music,
what kinda drugs do you do?
I don't do drugs.
Well, hell darlin', there's your problem!
So you didn't really die?
No. Although I almost did
when I saw The Doors movie.
Zinger!
I fell through a time portal back in 1971.
Ended up here in 2020.
So why were you
pretending to be a hologram?
To get into Janis Joplin's pants?
Joplin's a hologram.
The whole hologram thing's
'cause I like performing!
So if I understand this whole
hologram thing correctly,
how do we get back exactly?
Through Janis Joplin's pussy?
Go... What? No! There's a
portal. At the Four Corners,
just a few miles from here.
What's the Four Corners?
That a metaphor for Joplin's pussy?
It's a national monument
where four states come together,
Colorado, Utah, Arizona, and another one.
Oh, Florida!
Portal opens tonight at sunset.
When the full moon rises.
Ah!
So it's a metaphor for
Janis Joplin's asshole.
[upbeat music playing]
Uh, anyone know if
these ribs are beef or pork?
Because I don't eat no swine!
Who the hell am I kiddin'? I'm a cat.
I eat beetles, I eat geckos.
Hell, I love to eat me some rat.
[munches]
[suspenseful music playing]
[snorts, laughs]
Oh, my God. I'm so high! [Laughs]
Oh, that's brilliant! That's so good.
Write that down, write
that down. What else?
Uh, uh...
♪ I'm chewin' with my teeth ♪
♪ But there's nothin in my mouth ♪
♪ Chewin', chewin' me up ♪
[retches]
♪ Spittin', spittin' me out
Write that down! Write that down!
- Wow! We are on a roll.
- [door opens]
Uh, Misters Phreakers and Freekowtski
for Mister Freak.
Ah! Show those pig fuckers in!
- Holy shit!
- Hi!
- Franklin, we got big news.
- Hold on, we're creating!
They didn't have this stuff in '69.
What'd you say it was, Tay?
- Molly.
- [sniffs] It's great!
It's like cocaine but it
doesn't make you angry.
Which reminds me, I
need more fuckin' cocaine!
That's so good! I'm writing it down.
Write this down, blondie.
Jim Morrison is real!
And we can go back in his
time portal at The Four Corners.
At the intra-section of Utah
and three other countries.
[Franklin] Don'tcha see?
I don't need to go back anywhere.
I can stay here, write songs for Tay Tay
and be with Gretch Gretch.
Uh, and what about the guys
trying to make us dead-dead?
Ain't no safer place
than with all of Tay Tay's security, man.
That purple foam coming
outta your mouth tells me
you ain't thinkin' straight, Franklin.
[inhales] Trust me, Fred,
I've got half a pharmacy
swimmin' round my brain.
I've never thinkinned clearer!
Let me break this down for
you. You can either stay here,
safe from harm and loaded with free drugs,
or, or hear me out,
you could come with us back to '69,
sit in the basement and
listen to me rant about Vietnam!
I think I answered my own question.
Let's go, Freddy.
Can I have a hug goodbye, Franklin?
- [inhales, laughs]
- [inhales deeply]
Tay Tay! What happened to your fay fay?
- It's like it's melting.
- [laughs]
[laughs]
He's dead to us.
Besides, you still got
me, buddy, and the cat.
[munches]
Time to go, Kitty.
Here's a question for you, Fat Man.
Do they have raw fish
flown in daily from Osaka
back in your 1960s?
- No.
- [scoffs] I ain't think so.
But I do have a half-eaten
Filet-O-Fish in my sock drawer.
Get your ass outta here!
I think I should be sad.
But when we get back,
won't the 1969 Kitty still be there?
It's time travel, Freddy.
Nobody understands how the fuck it works.
[mysterious music swells]
[snarls]
Hey, Two-Ton. Don't that
look like the Freaks' cat?
I don't have much experience with cats
on account of my allergy to pet dander.
I must be seein' shit.
Hey, fool, gimme my blinders.
I'ma catch some zzzz's before my set.
[groans]
[hums]
[clears throat]
[crowd cheering]
[Taylor] This is a brand-new song,
that I just wrote with an
incredible man. My muse...
I think he should come
out here and sing it with me.
- No. [Laughs]
- Don't you?
[crowd cheering]
[singing]
- [screaming]
- What?
- Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me!
- [indistinct chatter]
[groans]
Well, that was fun while it lasted.
Jesus, it's already going viral.
[groans]
Um, can I get a to-go bag for these ribs?
Thank you.
- Get away from me!
- [screams]
Help me, people. Why
are you all just watching?
You're not falling. You fell.
Aw! Look what you made me do. Do, do, do.
Hey, Jim, I got a question for you.
Hit me with it.
[Phineas] Those lyrics, "If
they say I never loved you,
you know they are a liar."
Shouldn't that be, "You
know that they are liars"?
[indistinct cheering]
You cats want to talk grammar
or you want to go back to 1969?
- '69.
- Grammar!
We don't have much
time. We can take my car.
I woulda never guessed
holograms could drive.
There they are!
Two of my arch-enemies
and some other stoner.
Hey, those are a couple of the Freak dudes.
Let's go bust 'em! Follow me!
[chuckles] We're right behind you!
[Norbert] Great. Take my six!
- [laughs] Yeah, right.
- [chuckles] What's a six?
I think it's the number of
joints we're gonna partoke on
- while he's gone.
- Hmm.
- Yes! Now that adds up! [Laughs]
- [laughs]
Uh, do you have a lighter?
- I don't.
- Damn.
[ambulance siren blaring]
[mumbles]
[ambulance alarm blaring]
Okay, now that last eight lines of coke
mighta been a step too far. That's on me.
But this is on you!
[grunts]
[all cough, gasp]
We gotta get to Four
Corners before sundown!
Ooh, hee!
Tour buses have come a long
way since the old days, yeah.
Used to give moustache rides to Grace Slick
in the back of Ye Olde Cooch Coach.
These K-Rig's make a damn fine cup a' joe.
Hey, Frank! Can I get you a Newman's Own?
[indistinct clamor]
[crowd screaming]
[engine revving]
[dramatic music plays]
[Jim] We can still make it!
Everyone pick a state and stand in it!
I call Florida!
Oh, Great Spirit...
the Lizard King beseeches
you to open the portal!
How long is this gonna take? I'm hungry.
Open the portal, beseeches the Lizard King.
Well, this feels like a crock of shit.
How do we even know
you're the real Jim Morrison?
You could just be some
filthy guy who looks like him.
Wait! Wait for us!
- Franklin, my brother!
- Kitty, my Kitty!
I thought you were in 1969.
I'm so glad you changed your mind!
There's enough room for all of us, right?
Cause I was here first.
- Freeze, Freaks!
- Who the hell is this old guy?
It's me! Your arch-nemesis,
Norbert the... [gasps]... Respected.
Holy shit. You're Norbert the Narc!
Well, that makes no sense.
Norbert the Narc is back in 1969.
I've been waiting 50 years to say this.
You are finally under arrest!
- For what?
- [scoffs] For what?
For this!
Possession of marijuana is
a crime in the state of Utah!
But it's legal in Colorado.
So, that's kinda that, bro.
- Narc.
- [Groans] Cheese and crackers.
Where?
[yawns]
What the fuck? I knew
that was their fucking cat!
It's those Freaks. Two-Ton, my sawed-off!
- [gun cocks]
- Oh, shit!
But he remembered his
gun this time! Good for him.
Hey! That's not a regulation
barrel length in any state!
You're under arrest!
Boy, you's a rent-a-cop,
get the fuck outta my face.
- Give me the shotgun!
- [grunts]
[portal blasts open]
The portal is opening!
[speaks gibberish] About a hour ago!
- Give it back! [Screams]
- [grunts, screams]
Wait! Wait for us!
No!
Phin, it's okay. We don't have to go back
to '69, 'cause Schoolboy
Q went in our place.
Hey, you're right. He can't kill us.
- He's 50 years away!
- Well, good for Rapper Man!
No reason he can't enjoy
the '60s as much as we did.
Any of you gentlemen able to drive the bus?
My contact lenses are all fogged up
from my pet allergies. [Sneezes]
Oh, hell no, jumbo. I'm
allergic to fat and stupid.
Don't see me snottin' all
over your unemployed ass.
Dammit, out of weed again.
I'll just order some on the weed app.
Now you're thinking.
Where's the weed app? It's gone.
Weed app?
You know. The one that
delivers weed right to your door.
- [all laugh]
- [both gasp]
- What, you're serious?
- Uh-huh.
There's no such thing
as a weed delivery app.
- Weed is illegal.
- What? Since when?
Weed has always been illegal. [Scoffs]
But it's been punishable by
death ever since they passed
the Norbert Narcotic Law of 1969.
Turn on the TV! They're
talking about Taylor Swift.
Hey, Google. Turn on the TV.
[Google voice] Sure. Turning on the TV.
President Swift today,
after hearing about China's invasion
of New York City said we
should, and I quote, "Get over it!"
- Get over it!
- [music starts playing]
♪ Get over it, over it ♪
♪ Get the hell over it, over it
'Cause I'm already over it ♪
♪ Over it, get, get Get over it... ♪
[screams]
[music fades]
[sighs] Oh, my God. Freddy!
I had the worst nightmare.
Weed was illegal!
Oh, Kitty, you gotta lay off
the ketamine before your naps.
- I'm back, motherfuckers!
- Oh, shit.
♪ Get over it, over it
Get the hell over it ♪
♪ Over it, 'cause I'm
already Over it, over it ♪
♪ Get, get, get over it, over it ♪
♪ Over it, get over it
♪ Over it, 'cause I'm
already Over it, over it ♪
♪ Get, get, get over it Over it, over it ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, get over it Over it, over it ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ Over it, over it, get, get
Get over it, over it, over it ♪
[man] It's a good show.
[exhales heavily]
[squeaks]
Feels good to provide a meal
for the Switzers, don't it boys?
They provided it, Freddy.
We're just cookin' it.
It's just nice to all be together.
Ow! Goddamnit!
One dumbshit's hand, burnt to a crisp!
Put it out! Put it out!
- [screams]
- [laughs]
He's high as fuck.
[laughs] Oops.
What the fuck! Where did that come from?
Surprise, surprise, motherfuckas.
Man who raps! Two-Ton!
Phineas, it's starting to brick.
Maybe we should go inside.
Schoolboy Q, we thought you
drowned when we sunk your yacht,
the Lucky Motherfucker. [Chuckles]
You ain't that lucky, motherfucker.
If you're here for dinner,
there's not enough.
That wasn't a fat joke, but it coulda been.
It's hurtful, nevertheless.
You wrecked my golf cart and sank my yacht.
Bruh, I'm here to kill you Freaks.
Two-Ton, gimme my sawed-off, bruh.
I didn't bring the shotgun, Q.
I brought the brick. The
brick was my responsibility.
Oh, my... Fine, man.
Then I'll kill them with this.
[Noah] Hi-ya!
Check it out! I e-Buyed
this rare 18th century katana
for my collection.
[pants]
- Oh! [Screams]
- Whoa!
Damn, y'all got muscle now?
Oh, good evening, gentlemen.
New friends of yours from the job fair?
[grunts]
Y'all lucky you all got that samurai here.
But ain't nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
I'mma end you bitches.
- We out Two-Ton.
- [laughs]
Boy, does this guy hold a grudge or what?
[laughs] All right, let's
eat before he comes back
and kills us.
Theme music playing...
♪ Brother, hmm
♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪
♪ And we just woke up In year 2020 ♪
♪ Roll another J And forget the day ♪
♪ Roll another J And get high ♪
♪ Roll another J And forget the day ♪
♪ Me and my brothers Getting fried ♪
♪ The Freak Brothers
*THE FREAK BROTHERS*
[inhales]
*THE FREAK BROTHERS*
Season 01 Episode 08
Episode Title: "The Candidate"
Aired on: December 26, 2021.
You heard the rapper.
We can't run, we can't hide.
We should run to Canada and hide there.
He'd find us eventually.
Plus, I don't wanna leave.
- Who wants salad?
- Is that my beach hat?
What happened to the salad bowl?
I'm saving it to wear to the beach.
Aw, this all looks delicious, boys!
If you like your salad with broken glass
and a shit ton of pepper, that's for you.
Perhaps the culinary
arts are not your calling.
Maybe stick to batting balls of yarn.
- [chuckles]
- [grunts, chuckles]
Whoops. Thought it was a ball of yarn.
Mom! Dad!
Taylor Swift is gonna be at Colopalooza!
Ya know, it's times like
these I wish I spoke Chinese.
What's Colopalooza?
[scoffs] Only the greatest
music festival in the world!
With the best artists of today!
[phone beeps]
♪ I wanna be afraid... ♪
Whoo! [Screams]
♪ Don't wanna be safe ♪
♪ Whatever it takes Just to feel... ♪
[farts]
How you like my twerking, Chomsky?
Inferior animal.
Good Christ! Stop that
god-awful caterwalin'!
[music stops]
Taylor Swift's the greatest
musician there ever was.
Can I please go to Colopalooza?
Camille, you're not old
enough for a music festival.
Ask us again in 20 years.
There'll be acts for old people too. Look!
[announcer] And new to our Hall of Legends,
Mr. Mojo Risin' himself, Jim Morrison!
Wow. Jim Morrison looks
like he's 25 years old.
Yeah, that seems about right.
How long has he been part
of this Palookaville festival?
The ad said "new" so they
probably just added him.
Let me see that.
So Jim Morrison is a "new arrival."
He "just got here," is that
what you're telling me?
- Yeah, I guess so, Phineas.
- That's it!
Franklin, Freddy, basement!
Ow! There's fucking glass in here!
[announcer] Mr. Mojo Risin' himself...
There's no other explanation.
Jim Morrison time traveled to 2020!
Then he must know how
to get us back to 1969.
Exactly.
And that's the one place
we can hide from Schoolboy.
He'll never find us in the past!
You mean we can go home?
I'd get to see Kitty again! I miss her so.
Uh, what the fuck?
[chuckles] I'm right here.
Hi, Kitty! I was just talking about you.
Hey. Put your shoes on. Your feet stink.
Well, since you traveled all this way.
- Ooh.
- It's settled then.
We go to the festival and ask Jim Morrison
how to get back to the late '60s.
Yeah, I guess that's what we'll do.
Lemme guess, Franklin.
You're poutin' about leaving Gretchen.
She's the best thing that's
ever happened to me, man.
And you'll be the worst thing
that's ever happened to her.
As long as Schoolboy's after
us, she's in danger. We gotta go.
Well, that's settled.
All right, let's see what everyone swiped
from the dinner table.
Which one of you idiots got a corkscrew?
[psychedelic music playing]
[crowd cheering]
- [loud music playing]
- [indistinct clamor]
[scoffs] You call this a music festival?
They have bathrooms and real medics.
[heart monitor beeping]
Crack your head open at Woodstock,
Crazy Mary would just give
you a hug and a tab of acid.
It cured my broken finger!
And where are the Hell's Angels?
They have actual security guards here.
Yeah, well, back in the day,
I busted hippies and freaks
from the Haight to the Tenderloin...
Hey, what are you doing?
This is an exit, not an entrance.
Is that how you got the
nickname Norbert the Narc?
I gave myself that name! [Chuckles]
So people would treat me with respect.
Uh, but a narc is like a tattletale.
No, dude. Worse than a tattletale.
- Like a dick.
- [chuckles] No, dude.
Worse than a dick! Like a fucking dick!
[chuckles] No, dude.
Like a big fucking dick
that nobody likes or wants to be around.
Anyway, like I said, I busted them all.
There was only one that got away.
Well, three, actually,
but I count them as one.
You add their three brains
together and round up.
My arch-nemenies.
[knocking on door]
[indistinct chatter]
Howdy doo, fellow hippies.
Any cool cats at home?
Just one moment, please.
- It's Norbert the Narc!
- Everyone, hide your shit!
[indistinct clamor]
Come right in, fellow hippie.
Anybody got any of that
sweet Mary Jane-wanna?
[chuckles]
Hey, the heck is wrong with your hat?
[hesitates] Ain't nothing wrong with...
[screams] Get this thing off of me.
Aha! Marijuana and marijuana paraphernalia!
All you hippies are under arre... [groans]
Come on, Freddy! Let's
book before he comes to!
Hey, don't forget to
draw a dick on his head!
[Freddy] And don't
forget the balls. [Laughs]
[laughing fades]
Anyway, one day they just disappeared.
- [gasps]
- Cool story, Narc!
- Bi... bi... bitch, bitch!
- [groans]
[Franklin] Huh.
You'd think legends would
play on a bigger stage.
[rock music playing]
Hey, fellas, look! It's Jimi Hendrix!
He hasn't aged a day. -[Music stops]
Whoa! Where'd Jimi go?
Back to 1969, obviously.
- Another time traveler!
- [rock music starts playing]
There's Morrison. Let's
go introduce ourselves.
- [Phineas] 'Scuse us.
- [Franklin] Pardon.
[man] Hey, watch it...
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Excuse me, Mr. Lizard King?
Jim! Phineas Phreakers, also from 1969.
Can you give us a ride back?
A Black rap singer is gonna end us bitches.
Thank you all for coming.
Next show begins on the hour.
Please visit the merchandise booth.
What's with this guy?
He's ignoring us, man.
He's not real, you
poor, brain-fried weirdos.
That's a hologram! [Laughs]
[dramatic music playing]
I'm not saying I knew it
the whole time, I'm saying
I figured it out several
seconds before you two did.
Morrison's been dead
since 1971! "Time travel."
What the fuck was I listening to you for?
Uh, you know the worst part?
A few minutes earlier, we coulda
gone back with Jimi Hendrix.
- Hmm.
- [gasps]
[Phineas] Yeah. We're dead
men. Schoolboy's gonna kill us.
Maybe he forgot about us.
He forgot to bring his
shotgun to the house.
He's a forgetful person.
Every moment is precious.
Let's score some primo weed
and get so stoned we won't feel the pain.
Of being shot. In the face, no doubt.
[suspenseful music playing]
Calling all units! The big fish are here,
and they're looking to score!
Come watch the master reel 'em in.
[gasps] Come on.
[indistinct loud cheering]
Any of these tattoo-covered,
mystery-gender kids
look like drug dealers?
- Uh, every single one?
- [indistinct clamor]
Taylor, can I have your
autograph? I love you.
Oh. [Groans]
♪ Look what you made
me do Do, do, do, do! ♪
[laughs]
Hey, it's that Swifty
Taylor lady Camille likes!
You mean the one with
the derivative melodies
and fluffy, shallow lyrics? No, thank you.
[whispers indistinctly]
Um, excuse me.
Taylor heard what you said about her music.
- She'd like a word.
- Eh, all right.
You boys go on ahead.
I'll get Camille an autograph
for my last earthly act. RIP.
I'm rollin' with the mustache man.
A Kitty's gotta eat,
and a rock star gets their shit catered!
They're splitting up. I'll stay
with codename "Cowboy Hat."
[over radio] Repeat. Do you copy?
We're on it, dude.
[rock music playing]
[crowd cheering]
All right, big man. It's you and me.
Let's procure those psychedelics.
[man] I can help you.
Great! I'll have three tabs
of acid and a Dr. Pepper.
Huh? You're... you're... real.
We thought you were a hollow man.
Here's the deal, dig? I
did time travel from 1969.
And here's the trippy
part. I'm going back tonight.
- [clears throat]
- What?
My Dr. Pepper?
[Franklin] Lemme ask you, Miss Swift.
Why do you want my opinion?
Is... is it 'cause you,
like many young women,
find me appealing sexually? [Chuckles]
That depends. Are you a DJ, a Kennedy,
or the Jonas Brother no one talks about?
- No.
- Then not even slightly.
Don't matter anyway.
I already got me a very special gal.
Franklin, I'm surrounded
by hangers on and yes-men.
They're all afraid to tell me the truth.
Here's a truth for you. Your songs suck.
They sound like they're
written for nine-year-old girls.
They are.
Darlin', none of us is
on this earth forever.
You wanna sing about
bubble gum and soda pop,
or you wanna take a
little piece of your heart
and rip it out for all the
world to see? I mean hear!
Yes! How do I do that?
How do I rip out that piece of my heart?
Well, let me ask you this.
When you're makin' music,
what kinda drugs do you do?
I don't do drugs.
Well, hell darlin', there's your problem!
So you didn't really die?
No. Although I almost did
when I saw The Doors movie.
Zinger!
I fell through a time portal back in 1971.
Ended up here in 2020.
So why were you
pretending to be a hologram?
To get into Janis Joplin's pants?
Joplin's a hologram.
The whole hologram thing's
'cause I like performing!
So if I understand this whole
hologram thing correctly,
how do we get back exactly?
Through Janis Joplin's pussy?
Go... What? No! There's a
portal. At the Four Corners,
just a few miles from here.
What's the Four Corners?
That a metaphor for Joplin's pussy?
It's a national monument
where four states come together,
Colorado, Utah, Arizona, and another one.
Oh, Florida!
Portal opens tonight at sunset.
When the full moon rises.
Ah!
So it's a metaphor for
Janis Joplin's asshole.
[upbeat music playing]
Uh, anyone know if
these ribs are beef or pork?
Because I don't eat no swine!
Who the hell am I kiddin'? I'm a cat.
I eat beetles, I eat geckos.
Hell, I love to eat me some rat.
[munches]
[suspenseful music playing]
[snorts, laughs]
Oh, my God. I'm so high! [Laughs]
Oh, that's brilliant! That's so good.
Write that down, write
that down. What else?
Uh, uh...
♪ I'm chewin' with my teeth ♪
♪ But there's nothin in my mouth ♪
♪ Chewin', chewin' me up ♪
[retches]
♪ Spittin', spittin' me out
Write that down! Write that down!
- Wow! We are on a roll.
- [door opens]
Uh, Misters Phreakers and Freekowtski
for Mister Freak.
Ah! Show those pig fuckers in!
- Holy shit!
- Hi!
- Franklin, we got big news.
- Hold on, we're creating!
They didn't have this stuff in '69.
What'd you say it was, Tay?
- Molly.
- [sniffs] It's great!
It's like cocaine but it
doesn't make you angry.
Which reminds me, I
need more fuckin' cocaine!
That's so good! I'm writing it down.
Write this down, blondie.
Jim Morrison is real!
And we can go back in his
time portal at The Four Corners.
At the intra-section of Utah
and three other countries.
[Franklin] Don'tcha see?
I don't need to go back anywhere.
I can stay here, write songs for Tay Tay
and be with Gretch Gretch.
Uh, and what about the guys
trying to make us dead-dead?
Ain't no safer place
than with all of Tay Tay's security, man.
That purple foam coming
outta your mouth tells me
you ain't thinkin' straight, Franklin.
[inhales] Trust me, Fred,
I've got half a pharmacy
swimmin' round my brain.
I've never thinkinned clearer!
Let me break this down for
you. You can either stay here,
safe from harm and loaded with free drugs,
or, or hear me out,
you could come with us back to '69,
sit in the basement and
listen to me rant about Vietnam!
I think I answered my own question.
Let's go, Freddy.
Can I have a hug goodbye, Franklin?
- [inhales, laughs]
- [inhales deeply]
Tay Tay! What happened to your fay fay?
- It's like it's melting.
- [laughs]
[laughs]
He's dead to us.
Besides, you still got
me, buddy, and the cat.
[munches]
Time to go, Kitty.
Here's a question for you, Fat Man.
Do they have raw fish
flown in daily from Osaka
back in your 1960s?
- No.
- [scoffs] I ain't think so.
But I do have a half-eaten
Filet-O-Fish in my sock drawer.
Get your ass outta here!
I think I should be sad.
But when we get back,
won't the 1969 Kitty still be there?
It's time travel, Freddy.
Nobody understands how the fuck it works.
[mysterious music swells]
[snarls]
Hey, Two-Ton. Don't that
look like the Freaks' cat?
I don't have much experience with cats
on account of my allergy to pet dander.
I must be seein' shit.
Hey, fool, gimme my blinders.
I'ma catch some zzzz's before my set.
[groans]
[hums]
[clears throat]
[crowd cheering]
[Taylor] This is a brand-new song,
that I just wrote with an
incredible man. My muse...
I think he should come
out here and sing it with me.
- No. [Laughs]
- Don't you?
[crowd cheering]
[singing]
- [screaming]
- What?
- Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me!
- [indistinct chatter]
[groans]
Well, that was fun while it lasted.
Jesus, it's already going viral.
[groans]
Um, can I get a to-go bag for these ribs?
Thank you.
- Get away from me!
- [screams]
Help me, people. Why
are you all just watching?
You're not falling. You fell.
Aw! Look what you made me do. Do, do, do.
Hey, Jim, I got a question for you.
Hit me with it.
[Phineas] Those lyrics, "If
they say I never loved you,
you know they are a liar."
Shouldn't that be, "You
know that they are liars"?
[indistinct cheering]
You cats want to talk grammar
or you want to go back to 1969?
- '69.
- Grammar!
We don't have much
time. We can take my car.
I woulda never guessed
holograms could drive.
There they are!
Two of my arch-enemies
and some other stoner.
Hey, those are a couple of the Freak dudes.
Let's go bust 'em! Follow me!
[chuckles] We're right behind you!
[Norbert] Great. Take my six!
- [laughs] Yeah, right.
- [chuckles] What's a six?
I think it's the number of
joints we're gonna partoke on
- while he's gone.
- Hmm.
- Yes! Now that adds up! [Laughs]
- [laughs]
Uh, do you have a lighter?
- I don't.
- Damn.
[ambulance siren blaring]
[mumbles]
[ambulance alarm blaring]
Okay, now that last eight lines of coke
mighta been a step too far. That's on me.
But this is on you!
[grunts]
[all cough, gasp]
We gotta get to Four
Corners before sundown!
Ooh, hee!
Tour buses have come a long
way since the old days, yeah.
Used to give moustache rides to Grace Slick
in the back of Ye Olde Cooch Coach.
These K-Rig's make a damn fine cup a' joe.
Hey, Frank! Can I get you a Newman's Own?
[indistinct clamor]
[crowd screaming]
[engine revving]
[dramatic music plays]
[Jim] We can still make it!
Everyone pick a state and stand in it!
I call Florida!
Oh, Great Spirit...
the Lizard King beseeches
you to open the portal!
How long is this gonna take? I'm hungry.
Open the portal, beseeches the Lizard King.
Well, this feels like a crock of shit.
How do we even know
you're the real Jim Morrison?
You could just be some
filthy guy who looks like him.
Wait! Wait for us!
- Franklin, my brother!
- Kitty, my Kitty!
I thought you were in 1969.
I'm so glad you changed your mind!
There's enough room for all of us, right?
Cause I was here first.
- Freeze, Freaks!
- Who the hell is this old guy?
It's me! Your arch-nemesis,
Norbert the... [gasps]... Respected.
Holy shit. You're Norbert the Narc!
Well, that makes no sense.
Norbert the Narc is back in 1969.
I've been waiting 50 years to say this.
You are finally under arrest!
- For what?
- [scoffs] For what?
For this!
Possession of marijuana is
a crime in the state of Utah!
But it's legal in Colorado.
So, that's kinda that, bro.
- Narc.
- [Groans] Cheese and crackers.
Where?
[yawns]
What the fuck? I knew
that was their fucking cat!
It's those Freaks. Two-Ton, my sawed-off!
- [gun cocks]
- Oh, shit!
But he remembered his
gun this time! Good for him.
Hey! That's not a regulation
barrel length in any state!
You're under arrest!
Boy, you's a rent-a-cop,
get the fuck outta my face.
- Give me the shotgun!
- [grunts]
[portal blasts open]
The portal is opening!
[speaks gibberish] About a hour ago!
- Give it back! [Screams]
- [grunts, screams]
Wait! Wait for us!
No!
Phin, it's okay. We don't have to go back
to '69, 'cause Schoolboy
Q went in our place.
Hey, you're right. He can't kill us.
- He's 50 years away!
- Well, good for Rapper Man!
No reason he can't enjoy
the '60s as much as we did.
Any of you gentlemen able to drive the bus?
My contact lenses are all fogged up
from my pet allergies. [Sneezes]
Oh, hell no, jumbo. I'm
allergic to fat and stupid.
Don't see me snottin' all
over your unemployed ass.
Dammit, out of weed again.
I'll just order some on the weed app.
Now you're thinking.
Where's the weed app? It's gone.
Weed app?
You know. The one that
delivers weed right to your door.
- [all laugh]
- [both gasp]
- What, you're serious?
- Uh-huh.
There's no such thing
as a weed delivery app.
- Weed is illegal.
- What? Since when?
Weed has always been illegal. [Scoffs]
But it's been punishable by
death ever since they passed
the Norbert Narcotic Law of 1969.
Turn on the TV! They're
talking about Taylor Swift.
Hey, Google. Turn on the TV.
[Google voice] Sure. Turning on the TV.
President Swift today,
after hearing about China's invasion
of New York City said we
should, and I quote, "Get over it!"
- Get over it!
- [music starts playing]
♪ Get over it, over it ♪
♪ Get the hell over it, over it
'Cause I'm already over it ♪
♪ Over it, get, get Get over it... ♪
[screams]
[music fades]
[sighs] Oh, my God. Freddy!
I had the worst nightmare.
Weed was illegal!
Oh, Kitty, you gotta lay off
the ketamine before your naps.
- I'm back, motherfuckers!
- Oh, shit.
♪ Get over it, over it
Get the hell over it ♪
♪ Over it, 'cause I'm
already Over it, over it ♪
♪ Get, get, get over it, over it ♪
♪ Over it, get over it
♪ Over it, 'cause I'm
already Over it, over it ♪
♪ Get, get, get over it Over it, over it ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, get over it Over it, over it ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ Over it, over it, get, get
Get over it, over it, over it ♪
[man] It's a good show.