The Freak Brothers (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Freak-Chella - full transcript
[Party music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
How are you?
[phone keyboards clacking, phones chiming]
Look at this shit!
How are we supposed to get laid
if they won't even look up at us?
Leave it to the master.
Howdy, ladies.
Uh... you are lookin' de-to-the-lish.
- Do we know you?
- I know that mustache.
Are you that guy
who keeps sliding into my DMs
and asking for pics of my feet?
Uh... no.
Uh, I think what my friend's driving at
is we wouldn't say no to a DM or a DP!
- Or a BM!
- [groans]
What is that, breath spray?
I could use some.
[hums]
[screams]
- Ugh.
- [retches]
Can I get a hit of that breath spray too?
Theme music playing...
♪ Brother, hmm
♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪
*THE FREAK BROTHERS*
♪ And we just woke up In year 2020 ♪
♪ Rolling out a j And forget the day ♪
♪ Rolling out a j And get high ♪
♪ Rolling out a j And forget the day ♪
♪ Me and my brothers Getting fried ♪
♪ The Freak Brothers
*THE FREAK BROTHERS*
[Inhales]
*THE FREAK BROTHERS*
Season 01 Episode 06
Episode Title: "Freak-Chella"
Aired on: December 12, 2021.
[upbeat music playing]
[music concludes]
Jesus! What the hell happened to you guys?
We were out trying to hit on girls
and then they napalmed us.
Yeah, uh, well. Uh, we
weren't hitting on 'em.
Uh, we had a couple of
drinks and tried to engage them
in polite conversation.
[Phineas] Not hitting on them?
You said you were desperate for the pussy.
No! No, no. No. It... it was loud in there
and you just misheard me.
I wrote it down. You said,
"My beanbag is ready to explode..."
Shut the hell up, Freddy!
Hey. [Chuckles] Uh, whatcha reading there?
It's a book for my book
club I'm hosting here.
You guys are welcome to join.
Pop-up books? Picture
books? Coloring books?
- Novels.
- Oh. Well, in that case
I would very much like to say, no.
Well, I'm interested, Gretch. I love books.
Oh, God, I love books.
You love books?
Ha! At the bar you said...
Seriously, shut the fuck up, both of y'all.
Gretch, I'll... I'll be there.
[country music playing]
[Phineas] The San Francisco science
and technology convention!
Can't wait to see if they've
made an electric typewriter
that weighs less than 40 pounds.
Imagine a woman who finds
your boring stories fascinating.
Who can't wait to carry
your barbells to the attic.
Who will do your taxes with one hand
while satisfying you with the other.
Ooh, ooh. A business
card. And in mint condition.
- Look, Phineas!
- Focus, Freddy!
It's typewriters now and then we're on
to Singer sewing machines.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the
age of cybernetic companionship
has begun!
I present the "girls" of Botches!
- [trance music playing]
- [cheers, applause]
Whoa! Robot girlfriend? We should get one.
Wow, dude. Really?
Because you don't even use
the blowup doll I got you.
'Cause she's had a slow leak
ever since I went down on her,
that's why.
Dude, you gotta take out your retainer!
This is day-one stuff.
[CEO] Come on up and meet the girls!
They're all for lease.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
[man 1] Oh, yeah!
- Ugh!
- [man 2] I'm an incel.
[robot beeping]
[robot beeping]
[screams]
[suspenseful music playing]
[music concludes]
[dog barking]
Hey, everyone. Can't wait
to talk about today's book.
I thought we'd start with introductions
for our new members. Noah?
Hello, I'm Noah Switzer.
I identify as cisgender,
heteronormative, and
XY chromosome by birth.
And what did you think of the book?
- I didn't read it.
- Okay.
And next we have a
dear friend of mine, Joan.
Joan has a very interesting story.
- Joan?
- Hi, I'm Joan Krapowski.
I'm a Virgo, I will buy
anything that's fuchsia,
and I can suck off 16 guys in an hour.
Oh, sorry. [Chuckles] I'm a sex worker.
Hey, why is everyone
applauding for that chubby hooker?
Ooh, Franklin.
In today's sex positive San Francisco,
sex workers are revered and respected.
Well, sadly, revered and respected
doesn't pay the rent.
Augmented reality, virtual reality,
nobody wants a good
old-fashioned meat wallet
anymore.
Damn shame! What is
wrong with our society today?
Uh, Franklin? Why don't
you introduce yourself?
Uh, well, I'm, uh,
Freewheelin' Franklin Freak.
And how do you identify?
As a... man.
- Just a man?
- Anything else?
Just a man. Just a hundred percent
red-blooded American stallion.
[rowdy music playing]
- [Franklin] Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
Ooh.
[sighs]
Hot diggity.
Ooh.
[neighs, laughs]
[music fades]
[lounge music playing]
Hey. Ya into torsion loads?
That's nice. That's nice.
[robot beeping]
I like any load that makes me twist
about my longitudinal axis.
Yes! Yes! Torsion load!
That's what I was going for!
I'm Phineas, Phineas T. Phreakears.
Hey, bartender, pour me another Chivas.
I'm Tess.
- Wow! That's quite a grip.
- Whew.
You gotta check out what
I left in the third stall, man.
I didn't even flush so you could see.
- And cause I never flush.
- [Phineas] Thank you, Freddy,
but I don't think the lovely lady
is interested in your poop.
No, I think it's fascinating.
It takes a big man to make a big poop.
[gasps] That's my line. I always say that.
Isn't that what I say, Phineas?
- Uh, yeah, that'll do, thanks!
- [glass shattering]
He's great. But listen,
we could talk doo-doo for
hours, or, you know, we could...
you know, we could just head back
to my place. Is it hot in here?
I sense you're attempting to ask me
if I want to go home with you.
No. What? No! Well, yeah. Yes.
I mean, if it's stupid, then no.
I'd love that.
Well, can't blame a mathematician
for playing the odds.
Wait, did you say yes?
Okay, I think that's a
natural breaking point.
[Franklin snoring]
There are raw carob stevia brownies
and turmeric shots in the kitchen.
[snores]
[gasps] What?
I saw you manspreading in there.
Legs wide open like you
own the whole fuckin' room.
You pig.
Uh, I beg your pardon?
I'm gonna give you what you deserve.
Oh. Don't spray me in the face!
Just try and stop me! [Grunts]
[both grunt]
[both moan]
That's the thing about homosapiens.
Their love making is barbaric.
A real fucking man. Call me a woman.
You're a woman.
No subtlety. No ramp up.
She didn't even sniff his asshole.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Take
me, man ape. Take me.
You speakin' the truth there, brother dog.
How you know you were hookin' up with,
- who you... If you...
- [Bailey moaning]
We're mothafuckin' high, ain't we?
As a kite, dear friend.
[both laugh]
[Franklin grunting]
- Whoa. Uh, sorry.
- [gasps]
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Uh. Interrupt? Heck. No.
I was just giving the
lady a tour of the place.
[laughs nervously] Did you
say there were turmeric shots?
The durn shower rod just collapsed on us.
I gotta head down to Ace Hardware,
pick up a couple dry-wall anchors.
It's a safety issue.
Just lock the door next time.
Oh. She must have just dropped those.
- During the tour!
- [door closes, opens]
You're the first real
man I've met in this town
in 20 years. Here's my number.
Well, mi... mighty kindly of you.
Whoa.
Ooh. [Chuckles] Easy, darling.
You walk around hard
as a three-day-old biscotti.
Gimme a ring if you
wanna dunk it in my mug.
Book club is cool.
[upbeat music playing]
Hello, losers! This is Tess. She's with me!
Hello, Tess! Wow! You are very attractive.
How do you meet Phineas?
She chose to be with me!
Her. Me. Making progress!
Understanding the times! Getting the era!
What in the fuck are you doin'?
Come on, Kitty. Let's go for a walk.
Ooh, I'd love to, Fat
Freddy, but I got a date.
Actually, two dates.
But they don't know about each other,
so don't say nothing!
- [chuckles]
- [sighs]
[pants]
I've been learning about
this whole "9/11" thing,
and it sounds awfully fishy to me!
Jet fuel can't melt steel
beams. Makes no sense!
Exactly! And Halliburton
holds the patent for...
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, man!
I love that you also love
mid-coitus conversation.
No, thanks. I don't
want to fry my circuits.
[chuckles] I'm gonna
use the little boy's room.
Anything I can do for you?
Sure.
[metal clanking]
- [pops]
- Could you wash this for me?
- What is this?
- My vagina.
Huh.
You know, I did had several numbers
tucked into my jockeys.
I'm tryna sort out who goes with who.
- Franklin.
- You're the turban lady
- or the Mexican poncho girl?
- Frankenhoffer.
Uh, oh. Oh. You're
the tiny hat. Big pardon.
Franklerino. Doin' good?
I'ma calendar you in for 5:30, Tuesday?
[sighs] What's up, buddy?
Question. I'm sure you get it all the time.
In your experience with women
and I've had plenty of my own,
of course, but I want your take.
You ever been with a lady
who had a detachable snatch?
[inhales deeply] No, man. Definitely not.
Awesome. Me neither. Night bud.
[robot whirring]
- [battery beeps]
- Fully charged!
Are you ready to go again?
I'm dating a frickin' robot!
[trippy music swells, concludes]
Morning, Noah. You remember Tess?
Morning, Tess.
Good morning, African American homeowner.
Co-owner.
- How did you sleep last night?
- Not so well actually.
My noise machine switched
from babbling brook to crickets.
Well, I didn't sleep too well either.
Was busy over here makin'
love to my human girlfriend
who's not a robot.
So, Tess. What do you do for a living?
What field are you in?
You know what field she's in?
The field of minding your
own fucking business.
Okay. Sorry.
Hey! What are you doing?
You're attacking that
thing with a metal spoon?
- You're gonna ding it up.
- It's a bowl.
[laughs] What's the big deal?
Big deal is it's my bowl.
How'd ya like it if I ate
outta Harper's "bowl"?
That ain't a bowl, it's a
pussy. That bitch is a robot!
[orchestral music playing]
Beautiful morning, old friend.
Certainly is, guvnah.
[blows] My sweetheart and I are going
for a constitutional in the park.
Care to join us?
Love to, but I'm afraid I still
have a tremendous amount
of fucking to do.
I understand completely. Good day.
Yeah. Good day, to you. Cheerio.
[orchestral music playing]
[music swells]
[Franklin] Hey! Hey!
[both grunt]
[music continues]
- [moans]
- [grunts]
- Hiya!
- [grunts]
[music builds]
- [woman singing]
- [screams]
[applause]
[music concludes]
[loud club music playing]
This job is humiliating.
Yeah, well, cum chiseling is the only way
we're gonna afford one of those Botches.
[gasps] Okay. Get it before it hardens.
Obviously. We've been through that debacle.
You seem like a discerning gentleman
in the art of robotic companionship.
I'd love to agree but I have no idea
what those words mean.
I assume you've come
here for a robot girlfriend?
Robot? I thought these were real girls.
Let me ask you a question,
my corpulent friend.
Do real girls like you?
No, sir. Not historically, no.
Guess what? Every "girl" here, will.
[heavenly music playing]
- Really?
- Guaranteed.
Let's take a look at our options.
Would you prefer a sporty
gal? Or maybe a world traveler?
Or perhaps your tastes
are more... [chuckles]
Unconventional.
Hi, I'm Joan Krapowski 3000.
Bippity bippity boop. [Sighs]
- Your wish is my command.
- I like hot dogs.
You can eat a hot dog out of my ass.
Be still my beatin' heart! I'll take her!
Phineas! This is my gal,
Joan Krapowski 3000.
- She's a robot, Just like yours!
- [Phineas] What?
Why the hell would you say
that about my darling Tess?
'Cause her head's on the counter.
Hello, Frederick.
[meows]
What? Just cause her head's on the counter
you assume she's a robot?
Okay, fine. You caught me.
Hey! Let's put their heads side-by-side.
- We'll take a picture!
- [gags]
Not a detachable model!
Not a detachable model!
Aw, man. What a
rip-off. But check this out!
- [farts]
- She can't smell nothing!
[exclaims]
That could peel the paint
off a Caddy's fender, Freddy!
Smells like the grave but she's smiling.
[groans]
I can't believe we're both dating robots.
Yeah, 'cause human girls
were lined up around the block
to do a scavenger hunt
for Freddy's fat little dick.
Yes, yes, yes. Keep your voice down!
Society is not ready for advanced,
sophisticated gentlemen like ourselves.
What's the hell's all the hullabaloo?
Nothin'! We're just here
with our human girlfriends.
And we're taking them
out to dinner to eat food
because that's what humans do.
Double date? [Chuckles]
Why not make it a triple?
Darlin'? Y... you wanna grab a bite?
If I wanted a boring dinner
I'd be at home with my boring husband.
Now get back in here, fuck monkey.
Well, no rest for the wicked. Hey!
[burps]
Robot love. Man, we really lucked out.
Great conversation and detachable vaginas.
Plus super cheap dates.
No, no! Delicious steak
is not good for robots!
Here. Drink some yummy motor oil.
[lounge music playing]
- All of it. All gone. Good girl.
- [retches]
If you'll excuse us,
ladies, Frederick and I
are going to use the powder
room and take two shits.
Goils.
[retches]
Botches are not programmed to regurgitate.
Okay, listen up, here's the deal.
I'm not really a robot.
I'm a human sex worker.
But these tech weenies
only wanna put their weenies
into robot hookers.
But lying to user does not compute.
I don't like lying to Freddy.
But a gal's gotta eat and
pay her student loans.
I just got a final notice from
Grand Canyon University.
[upbeat music playing]
[munches]
[doorbell dings]
[music concludes]
Uh, what are you doing here?
Are we scheduled for today?
Uh, no. No. Well, nothin' official.
I just, you know, in the neighborhood.
Yeah. I'm actually seeing friends tonight.
Well, you know, I'd
love to meet your friends
and find out more about you.
Friends? [Scoffs] Friends are so banal.
Let's just stick to the sex sched, okay?
Oh. Uh, yeah. Okay.
Well, if ya ever want to talk,
you know, you got my... [groans]
Mustache caught! Mustache caught!
[whirrs]
Uh-oh! We're gonna have
to get this little guy repaired.
Repaired? It costs more to repair it than
it does to just buy a new one.
Throw it out. It's just a dumb machine.
Whoa! Easy there with the "M-Word."
What are you talking about?
[machine clattering]
Oh, so if somebody can't perform anymore,
we throw 'em out! Noah confided in me
that he can't get it up
anymore. Throw him out!
And... and you! You're
on the other side of 35,
you can't have kids
anymore. Let's throw you out!
Jesus, Phineas. What
the hell's gotten into you.
It's what I've gotten into!
This lady here is a robot
and the love of my life!
And we're not hiding it anymore.
And you! Stop eating out of her vagina!
- What?
- You told me
you couldn't do that without gagging.
Uh. [Clears throat, chuckles]
[Harper] Phineas, you can't date a robot.
- Why?
- Harper, it wasn't so long ago
that people would've
frowned upon our relationship.
What it is, Soul Brother! Right on!
Uh... Mm.
[glitches] Rr... right
on, s... soul brother.
[mumbles]
Ugh. Wi-Fi coverage is spotty in here.
Stand in the other corner, babe.
Go to this corner! Go to that corner!
She's just programmed to keep you happy.
- How do I get one of those?
- I heard that!
You know what you are?
Anti-Cybernetic. Come on,
Tess. We don't need to take this.
You know where this is leading,
don't you? The singularity.
A robot uprising that will engulf us all
and invariably... [gasps]
I told you, you start going off like that,
I'm gonna flick your nuts.
Oh, dear God, I see stars.
[upbeat music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey! Hey. Uh, I noticed that picture of you
in a tutu by your bed.
So, I got two tickets to the ballet.
That's so sweet! I'll take my husband.
Oh. Y'all have fun. Yeah.
So thanks for coming, everyone.
I invited Tess here to
discuss this week's book,
I, Robot. Because,
she's a, uh, well, a robot.
Oh. What do you mean?
She works in robotics?
Nope. She's literally a robot.
Metal and wires. And this guy's dating her.
- Seriously.
- I don't understand.
Of course you don't understand.
Because you're prejudiced.
So let me break it down for you people.
She is a robot! We are in love!
And I was gonna save this
for after her firmware upgrade
but what the hell?
Tess. Will you marry me?
Say yes. I'm telling you to say yes.
Yes.
She said yes! L'chaim! We'll be registering
at Williams-Sonoma and Radio Shack!
Mazel Tov!
I call the wine decanter
and wireless charging bay.
Oh, give me a break.
Aw. Congratulations you two!
The first homosapien-robotic
union in history.
In my book club!
And so it begins.
The singularity... [gasps]
- I'm locked and loaded, dog.
- I take it all back!
- Is this progressive?
- I think it's re-gressive.
I think this man is using this female robot
for his own selfish needs.
The way y'all been using me?
I'm... I'm not just a piece of beef,
I got feelings too.
You're a red blooded,
American stallion. Act like it!
Wow. You're all such hypocrites.
Do you hear yourselves?
You spend each week trying
to out-woke each other in here
and the minute you step outside,
you treat him like a dildo in a cowboy hat.
Dildo in a cowboy hat?
That's the movie when the two dudes
went up the mountain
and broke they backs, right?
Franklin is a real guy with a real heart.
And none of you ladies deserve him.
- [soft chuckle]
- [gasps]
Geez. What happened here?
Gretchen admitted she
has feelings for Franklin
in a really awkward way
and Phineas proposed
to his robot girlfriend.
He did? Hey, I'm dating a
robot! I'm gonna propose too.
Joan Krapowski 3000, I loves ya.
Let's get married
and have a whole bunch of sprockets.
What do ya say?
Freddy, stand up. I
gotta tell ya something.
Yes, my love?
My name ain't Joan Krapowski 3000.
It's just Joan Krapowski.
- I don't get it.
- I'm not a robot.
- I'm a human.
- Still don't get it.
I am a human being who
breathes air and eats food.
So that's why your vagina don't come off!
[gasps] I feel so betrayed.
I thought you'd be happy that a real woman
wants to have sex with you.
Guess I gave you too much credit.
You certainly did.
[sorrowful music playing]
With regards to my farts.
I take comfort in knowing
you could smell 'em all.
[sobs]
[music concludes]
But now, we're over two
hundred guests again.
Do we have to invite the smart fridge?
Can't invite Gretchen and
not invite the refrigerator.
Good point. Oh, the caterer asked,
are there any titanium
allergies on your side?
[gasps]
What the... Hey. Hey! That's my fiancé!
Tess!
- [sighs] Oh. Hey.
- Hey.
So... I broke things off
with those three ladies.
Well... well, two of 'em were
off already after your harangue,
but I made it official.
Cool. I... I think that's the right move.
Yep. Yep, yep, yepperooni.
I guess, uh, that means
old Freewheelin' Franklin's
back on the market. [Chuckles]
Anyway, thanks for riding to my defense
at that hen pecking party.
Oh, you know I got your
back, Freewheelin' Franklin.
That's just the kind of
relationship we have.
You said it.
Now, wait. What kind of
relationship do we have?
[dramatic music playing]
Tess! Thank, God. I was so scared.
They just took you!
But I'm here now, baby. Let's go home.
If you would like to take me home,
please swipe your credit card now.
- [machine beeping]
- Babe! What are ya doin'?
We're in love! We're getting married!
Please swipe now.
Yeah, so, um, boss said
you gotta pay to play, dude.
What are you talking about?
What did you do to my gal?
Yeah. I, uh, sprayed
canned air in her holes
and wiped her hard drive.
You did what? You can't do
that! She's not your property!
That's exactly what she is.
She wandered off from the convention.
She was never yours to begin with.
But... but...
the save the dates have gone out! [Sobs]
[inhales] Yeah.
We sent out the save the dates!
[club music playing]
Are they human? Are they robots?
Who knows? I'm starting to think
I'm not cut out for either, boys.
Ooh! Look over there.
I think that jukebox is making eyes at me.
Well, you guys might be
confused but Gretchen told me
that our relationship is like...
And then, uh, well, she
made a gesture and a wink.
So, I got some real clarity.
Wow. You have not lost a step, man.
Barkeep! A second round
of Chivas for the lads.
- [grunts]
- [music glitches]
We're going to her
place, boys. Don't wait up!
♪ I was gonna feed Kitty 'til I got high ♪
♪ But then I got so stoned
That 50 years went by ♪
♪ And now it's 2020 The
same rules don't apply ♪
♪ So I hit up a dispensary
To see what I can buy ♪
- ♪ Give me this, give me that.
- ♪ Let me smoke like hippies
♪ I just let it bump
Like a red ant bit me ♪
♪ Time machine weed
Suck me in like a hicky ♪
♪ It's a one-way trip And
my brothers here with me ♪
- ♪ What's up!
- ♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪
♪ And we just woke up In year 2020 ♪
♪ Woke up in year 2020... ♪
[man] It's a good show.
[indistinct chatter]
How are you?
[phone keyboards clacking, phones chiming]
Look at this shit!
How are we supposed to get laid
if they won't even look up at us?
Leave it to the master.
Howdy, ladies.
Uh... you are lookin' de-to-the-lish.
- Do we know you?
- I know that mustache.
Are you that guy
who keeps sliding into my DMs
and asking for pics of my feet?
Uh... no.
Uh, I think what my friend's driving at
is we wouldn't say no to a DM or a DP!
- Or a BM!
- [groans]
What is that, breath spray?
I could use some.
[hums]
[screams]
- Ugh.
- [retches]
Can I get a hit of that breath spray too?
Theme music playing...
♪ Brother, hmm
♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪
*THE FREAK BROTHERS*
♪ And we just woke up In year 2020 ♪
♪ Rolling out a j And forget the day ♪
♪ Rolling out a j And get high ♪
♪ Rolling out a j And forget the day ♪
♪ Me and my brothers Getting fried ♪
♪ The Freak Brothers
*THE FREAK BROTHERS*
[Inhales]
*THE FREAK BROTHERS*
Season 01 Episode 06
Episode Title: "Freak-Chella"
Aired on: December 12, 2021.
[upbeat music playing]
[music concludes]
Jesus! What the hell happened to you guys?
We were out trying to hit on girls
and then they napalmed us.
Yeah, uh, well. Uh, we
weren't hitting on 'em.
Uh, we had a couple of
drinks and tried to engage them
in polite conversation.
[Phineas] Not hitting on them?
You said you were desperate for the pussy.
No! No, no. No. It... it was loud in there
and you just misheard me.
I wrote it down. You said,
"My beanbag is ready to explode..."
Shut the hell up, Freddy!
Hey. [Chuckles] Uh, whatcha reading there?
It's a book for my book
club I'm hosting here.
You guys are welcome to join.
Pop-up books? Picture
books? Coloring books?
- Novels.
- Oh. Well, in that case
I would very much like to say, no.
Well, I'm interested, Gretch. I love books.
Oh, God, I love books.
You love books?
Ha! At the bar you said...
Seriously, shut the fuck up, both of y'all.
Gretch, I'll... I'll be there.
[country music playing]
[Phineas] The San Francisco science
and technology convention!
Can't wait to see if they've
made an electric typewriter
that weighs less than 40 pounds.
Imagine a woman who finds
your boring stories fascinating.
Who can't wait to carry
your barbells to the attic.
Who will do your taxes with one hand
while satisfying you with the other.
Ooh, ooh. A business
card. And in mint condition.
- Look, Phineas!
- Focus, Freddy!
It's typewriters now and then we're on
to Singer sewing machines.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the
age of cybernetic companionship
has begun!
I present the "girls" of Botches!
- [trance music playing]
- [cheers, applause]
Whoa! Robot girlfriend? We should get one.
Wow, dude. Really?
Because you don't even use
the blowup doll I got you.
'Cause she's had a slow leak
ever since I went down on her,
that's why.
Dude, you gotta take out your retainer!
This is day-one stuff.
[CEO] Come on up and meet the girls!
They're all for lease.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
[man 1] Oh, yeah!
- Ugh!
- [man 2] I'm an incel.
[robot beeping]
[robot beeping]
[screams]
[suspenseful music playing]
[music concludes]
[dog barking]
Hey, everyone. Can't wait
to talk about today's book.
I thought we'd start with introductions
for our new members. Noah?
Hello, I'm Noah Switzer.
I identify as cisgender,
heteronormative, and
XY chromosome by birth.
And what did you think of the book?
- I didn't read it.
- Okay.
And next we have a
dear friend of mine, Joan.
Joan has a very interesting story.
- Joan?
- Hi, I'm Joan Krapowski.
I'm a Virgo, I will buy
anything that's fuchsia,
and I can suck off 16 guys in an hour.
Oh, sorry. [Chuckles] I'm a sex worker.
Hey, why is everyone
applauding for that chubby hooker?
Ooh, Franklin.
In today's sex positive San Francisco,
sex workers are revered and respected.
Well, sadly, revered and respected
doesn't pay the rent.
Augmented reality, virtual reality,
nobody wants a good
old-fashioned meat wallet
anymore.
Damn shame! What is
wrong with our society today?
Uh, Franklin? Why don't
you introduce yourself?
Uh, well, I'm, uh,
Freewheelin' Franklin Freak.
And how do you identify?
As a... man.
- Just a man?
- Anything else?
Just a man. Just a hundred percent
red-blooded American stallion.
[rowdy music playing]
- [Franklin] Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
Ooh.
[sighs]
Hot diggity.
Ooh.
[neighs, laughs]
[music fades]
[lounge music playing]
Hey. Ya into torsion loads?
That's nice. That's nice.
[robot beeping]
I like any load that makes me twist
about my longitudinal axis.
Yes! Yes! Torsion load!
That's what I was going for!
I'm Phineas, Phineas T. Phreakears.
Hey, bartender, pour me another Chivas.
I'm Tess.
- Wow! That's quite a grip.
- Whew.
You gotta check out what
I left in the third stall, man.
I didn't even flush so you could see.
- And cause I never flush.
- [Phineas] Thank you, Freddy,
but I don't think the lovely lady
is interested in your poop.
No, I think it's fascinating.
It takes a big man to make a big poop.
[gasps] That's my line. I always say that.
Isn't that what I say, Phineas?
- Uh, yeah, that'll do, thanks!
- [glass shattering]
He's great. But listen,
we could talk doo-doo for
hours, or, you know, we could...
you know, we could just head back
to my place. Is it hot in here?
I sense you're attempting to ask me
if I want to go home with you.
No. What? No! Well, yeah. Yes.
I mean, if it's stupid, then no.
I'd love that.
Well, can't blame a mathematician
for playing the odds.
Wait, did you say yes?
Okay, I think that's a
natural breaking point.
[Franklin snoring]
There are raw carob stevia brownies
and turmeric shots in the kitchen.
[snores]
[gasps] What?
I saw you manspreading in there.
Legs wide open like you
own the whole fuckin' room.
You pig.
Uh, I beg your pardon?
I'm gonna give you what you deserve.
Oh. Don't spray me in the face!
Just try and stop me! [Grunts]
[both grunt]
[both moan]
That's the thing about homosapiens.
Their love making is barbaric.
A real fucking man. Call me a woman.
You're a woman.
No subtlety. No ramp up.
She didn't even sniff his asshole.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Take
me, man ape. Take me.
You speakin' the truth there, brother dog.
How you know you were hookin' up with,
- who you... If you...
- [Bailey moaning]
We're mothafuckin' high, ain't we?
As a kite, dear friend.
[both laugh]
[Franklin grunting]
- Whoa. Uh, sorry.
- [gasps]
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Uh. Interrupt? Heck. No.
I was just giving the
lady a tour of the place.
[laughs nervously] Did you
say there were turmeric shots?
The durn shower rod just collapsed on us.
I gotta head down to Ace Hardware,
pick up a couple dry-wall anchors.
It's a safety issue.
Just lock the door next time.
Oh. She must have just dropped those.
- During the tour!
- [door closes, opens]
You're the first real
man I've met in this town
in 20 years. Here's my number.
Well, mi... mighty kindly of you.
Whoa.
Ooh. [Chuckles] Easy, darling.
You walk around hard
as a three-day-old biscotti.
Gimme a ring if you
wanna dunk it in my mug.
Book club is cool.
[upbeat music playing]
Hello, losers! This is Tess. She's with me!
Hello, Tess! Wow! You are very attractive.
How do you meet Phineas?
She chose to be with me!
Her. Me. Making progress!
Understanding the times! Getting the era!
What in the fuck are you doin'?
Come on, Kitty. Let's go for a walk.
Ooh, I'd love to, Fat
Freddy, but I got a date.
Actually, two dates.
But they don't know about each other,
so don't say nothing!
- [chuckles]
- [sighs]
[pants]
I've been learning about
this whole "9/11" thing,
and it sounds awfully fishy to me!
Jet fuel can't melt steel
beams. Makes no sense!
Exactly! And Halliburton
holds the patent for...
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, man!
I love that you also love
mid-coitus conversation.
No, thanks. I don't
want to fry my circuits.
[chuckles] I'm gonna
use the little boy's room.
Anything I can do for you?
Sure.
[metal clanking]
- [pops]
- Could you wash this for me?
- What is this?
- My vagina.
Huh.
You know, I did had several numbers
tucked into my jockeys.
I'm tryna sort out who goes with who.
- Franklin.
- You're the turban lady
- or the Mexican poncho girl?
- Frankenhoffer.
Uh, oh. Oh. You're
the tiny hat. Big pardon.
Franklerino. Doin' good?
I'ma calendar you in for 5:30, Tuesday?
[sighs] What's up, buddy?
Question. I'm sure you get it all the time.
In your experience with women
and I've had plenty of my own,
of course, but I want your take.
You ever been with a lady
who had a detachable snatch?
[inhales deeply] No, man. Definitely not.
Awesome. Me neither. Night bud.
[robot whirring]
- [battery beeps]
- Fully charged!
Are you ready to go again?
I'm dating a frickin' robot!
[trippy music swells, concludes]
Morning, Noah. You remember Tess?
Morning, Tess.
Good morning, African American homeowner.
Co-owner.
- How did you sleep last night?
- Not so well actually.
My noise machine switched
from babbling brook to crickets.
Well, I didn't sleep too well either.
Was busy over here makin'
love to my human girlfriend
who's not a robot.
So, Tess. What do you do for a living?
What field are you in?
You know what field she's in?
The field of minding your
own fucking business.
Okay. Sorry.
Hey! What are you doing?
You're attacking that
thing with a metal spoon?
- You're gonna ding it up.
- It's a bowl.
[laughs] What's the big deal?
Big deal is it's my bowl.
How'd ya like it if I ate
outta Harper's "bowl"?
That ain't a bowl, it's a
pussy. That bitch is a robot!
[orchestral music playing]
Beautiful morning, old friend.
Certainly is, guvnah.
[blows] My sweetheart and I are going
for a constitutional in the park.
Care to join us?
Love to, but I'm afraid I still
have a tremendous amount
of fucking to do.
I understand completely. Good day.
Yeah. Good day, to you. Cheerio.
[orchestral music playing]
[music swells]
[Franklin] Hey! Hey!
[both grunt]
[music continues]
- [moans]
- [grunts]
- Hiya!
- [grunts]
[music builds]
- [woman singing]
- [screams]
[applause]
[music concludes]
[loud club music playing]
This job is humiliating.
Yeah, well, cum chiseling is the only way
we're gonna afford one of those Botches.
[gasps] Okay. Get it before it hardens.
Obviously. We've been through that debacle.
You seem like a discerning gentleman
in the art of robotic companionship.
I'd love to agree but I have no idea
what those words mean.
I assume you've come
here for a robot girlfriend?
Robot? I thought these were real girls.
Let me ask you a question,
my corpulent friend.
Do real girls like you?
No, sir. Not historically, no.
Guess what? Every "girl" here, will.
[heavenly music playing]
- Really?
- Guaranteed.
Let's take a look at our options.
Would you prefer a sporty
gal? Or maybe a world traveler?
Or perhaps your tastes
are more... [chuckles]
Unconventional.
Hi, I'm Joan Krapowski 3000.
Bippity bippity boop. [Sighs]
- Your wish is my command.
- I like hot dogs.
You can eat a hot dog out of my ass.
Be still my beatin' heart! I'll take her!
Phineas! This is my gal,
Joan Krapowski 3000.
- She's a robot, Just like yours!
- [Phineas] What?
Why the hell would you say
that about my darling Tess?
'Cause her head's on the counter.
Hello, Frederick.
[meows]
What? Just cause her head's on the counter
you assume she's a robot?
Okay, fine. You caught me.
Hey! Let's put their heads side-by-side.
- We'll take a picture!
- [gags]
Not a detachable model!
Not a detachable model!
Aw, man. What a
rip-off. But check this out!
- [farts]
- She can't smell nothing!
[exclaims]
That could peel the paint
off a Caddy's fender, Freddy!
Smells like the grave but she's smiling.
[groans]
I can't believe we're both dating robots.
Yeah, 'cause human girls
were lined up around the block
to do a scavenger hunt
for Freddy's fat little dick.
Yes, yes, yes. Keep your voice down!
Society is not ready for advanced,
sophisticated gentlemen like ourselves.
What's the hell's all the hullabaloo?
Nothin'! We're just here
with our human girlfriends.
And we're taking them
out to dinner to eat food
because that's what humans do.
Double date? [Chuckles]
Why not make it a triple?
Darlin'? Y... you wanna grab a bite?
If I wanted a boring dinner
I'd be at home with my boring husband.
Now get back in here, fuck monkey.
Well, no rest for the wicked. Hey!
[burps]
Robot love. Man, we really lucked out.
Great conversation and detachable vaginas.
Plus super cheap dates.
No, no! Delicious steak
is not good for robots!
Here. Drink some yummy motor oil.
[lounge music playing]
- All of it. All gone. Good girl.
- [retches]
If you'll excuse us,
ladies, Frederick and I
are going to use the powder
room and take two shits.
Goils.
[retches]
Botches are not programmed to regurgitate.
Okay, listen up, here's the deal.
I'm not really a robot.
I'm a human sex worker.
But these tech weenies
only wanna put their weenies
into robot hookers.
But lying to user does not compute.
I don't like lying to Freddy.
But a gal's gotta eat and
pay her student loans.
I just got a final notice from
Grand Canyon University.
[upbeat music playing]
[munches]
[doorbell dings]
[music concludes]
Uh, what are you doing here?
Are we scheduled for today?
Uh, no. No. Well, nothin' official.
I just, you know, in the neighborhood.
Yeah. I'm actually seeing friends tonight.
Well, you know, I'd
love to meet your friends
and find out more about you.
Friends? [Scoffs] Friends are so banal.
Let's just stick to the sex sched, okay?
Oh. Uh, yeah. Okay.
Well, if ya ever want to talk,
you know, you got my... [groans]
Mustache caught! Mustache caught!
[whirrs]
Uh-oh! We're gonna have
to get this little guy repaired.
Repaired? It costs more to repair it than
it does to just buy a new one.
Throw it out. It's just a dumb machine.
Whoa! Easy there with the "M-Word."
What are you talking about?
[machine clattering]
Oh, so if somebody can't perform anymore,
we throw 'em out! Noah confided in me
that he can't get it up
anymore. Throw him out!
And... and you! You're
on the other side of 35,
you can't have kids
anymore. Let's throw you out!
Jesus, Phineas. What
the hell's gotten into you.
It's what I've gotten into!
This lady here is a robot
and the love of my life!
And we're not hiding it anymore.
And you! Stop eating out of her vagina!
- What?
- You told me
you couldn't do that without gagging.
Uh. [Clears throat, chuckles]
[Harper] Phineas, you can't date a robot.
- Why?
- Harper, it wasn't so long ago
that people would've
frowned upon our relationship.
What it is, Soul Brother! Right on!
Uh... Mm.
[glitches] Rr... right
on, s... soul brother.
[mumbles]
Ugh. Wi-Fi coverage is spotty in here.
Stand in the other corner, babe.
Go to this corner! Go to that corner!
She's just programmed to keep you happy.
- How do I get one of those?
- I heard that!
You know what you are?
Anti-Cybernetic. Come on,
Tess. We don't need to take this.
You know where this is leading,
don't you? The singularity.
A robot uprising that will engulf us all
and invariably... [gasps]
I told you, you start going off like that,
I'm gonna flick your nuts.
Oh, dear God, I see stars.
[upbeat music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey! Hey. Uh, I noticed that picture of you
in a tutu by your bed.
So, I got two tickets to the ballet.
That's so sweet! I'll take my husband.
Oh. Y'all have fun. Yeah.
So thanks for coming, everyone.
I invited Tess here to
discuss this week's book,
I, Robot. Because,
she's a, uh, well, a robot.
Oh. What do you mean?
She works in robotics?
Nope. She's literally a robot.
Metal and wires. And this guy's dating her.
- Seriously.
- I don't understand.
Of course you don't understand.
Because you're prejudiced.
So let me break it down for you people.
She is a robot! We are in love!
And I was gonna save this
for after her firmware upgrade
but what the hell?
Tess. Will you marry me?
Say yes. I'm telling you to say yes.
Yes.
She said yes! L'chaim! We'll be registering
at Williams-Sonoma and Radio Shack!
Mazel Tov!
I call the wine decanter
and wireless charging bay.
Oh, give me a break.
Aw. Congratulations you two!
The first homosapien-robotic
union in history.
In my book club!
And so it begins.
The singularity... [gasps]
- I'm locked and loaded, dog.
- I take it all back!
- Is this progressive?
- I think it's re-gressive.
I think this man is using this female robot
for his own selfish needs.
The way y'all been using me?
I'm... I'm not just a piece of beef,
I got feelings too.
You're a red blooded,
American stallion. Act like it!
Wow. You're all such hypocrites.
Do you hear yourselves?
You spend each week trying
to out-woke each other in here
and the minute you step outside,
you treat him like a dildo in a cowboy hat.
Dildo in a cowboy hat?
That's the movie when the two dudes
went up the mountain
and broke they backs, right?
Franklin is a real guy with a real heart.
And none of you ladies deserve him.
- [soft chuckle]
- [gasps]
Geez. What happened here?
Gretchen admitted she
has feelings for Franklin
in a really awkward way
and Phineas proposed
to his robot girlfriend.
He did? Hey, I'm dating a
robot! I'm gonna propose too.
Joan Krapowski 3000, I loves ya.
Let's get married
and have a whole bunch of sprockets.
What do ya say?
Freddy, stand up. I
gotta tell ya something.
Yes, my love?
My name ain't Joan Krapowski 3000.
It's just Joan Krapowski.
- I don't get it.
- I'm not a robot.
- I'm a human.
- Still don't get it.
I am a human being who
breathes air and eats food.
So that's why your vagina don't come off!
[gasps] I feel so betrayed.
I thought you'd be happy that a real woman
wants to have sex with you.
Guess I gave you too much credit.
You certainly did.
[sorrowful music playing]
With regards to my farts.
I take comfort in knowing
you could smell 'em all.
[sobs]
[music concludes]
But now, we're over two
hundred guests again.
Do we have to invite the smart fridge?
Can't invite Gretchen and
not invite the refrigerator.
Good point. Oh, the caterer asked,
are there any titanium
allergies on your side?
[gasps]
What the... Hey. Hey! That's my fiancé!
Tess!
- [sighs] Oh. Hey.
- Hey.
So... I broke things off
with those three ladies.
Well... well, two of 'em were
off already after your harangue,
but I made it official.
Cool. I... I think that's the right move.
Yep. Yep, yep, yepperooni.
I guess, uh, that means
old Freewheelin' Franklin's
back on the market. [Chuckles]
Anyway, thanks for riding to my defense
at that hen pecking party.
Oh, you know I got your
back, Freewheelin' Franklin.
That's just the kind of
relationship we have.
You said it.
Now, wait. What kind of
relationship do we have?
[dramatic music playing]
Tess! Thank, God. I was so scared.
They just took you!
But I'm here now, baby. Let's go home.
If you would like to take me home,
please swipe your credit card now.
- [machine beeping]
- Babe! What are ya doin'?
We're in love! We're getting married!
Please swipe now.
Yeah, so, um, boss said
you gotta pay to play, dude.
What are you talking about?
What did you do to my gal?
Yeah. I, uh, sprayed
canned air in her holes
and wiped her hard drive.
You did what? You can't do
that! She's not your property!
That's exactly what she is.
She wandered off from the convention.
She was never yours to begin with.
But... but...
the save the dates have gone out! [Sobs]
[inhales] Yeah.
We sent out the save the dates!
[club music playing]
Are they human? Are they robots?
Who knows? I'm starting to think
I'm not cut out for either, boys.
Ooh! Look over there.
I think that jukebox is making eyes at me.
Well, you guys might be
confused but Gretchen told me
that our relationship is like...
And then, uh, well, she
made a gesture and a wink.
So, I got some real clarity.
Wow. You have not lost a step, man.
Barkeep! A second round
of Chivas for the lads.
- [grunts]
- [music glitches]
We're going to her
place, boys. Don't wait up!
♪ I was gonna feed Kitty 'til I got high ♪
♪ But then I got so stoned
That 50 years went by ♪
♪ And now it's 2020 The
same rules don't apply ♪
♪ So I hit up a dispensary
To see what I can buy ♪
- ♪ Give me this, give me that.
- ♪ Let me smoke like hippies
♪ I just let it bump
Like a red ant bit me ♪
♪ Time machine weed
Suck me in like a hicky ♪
♪ It's a one-way trip And
my brothers here with me ♪
- ♪ What's up!
- ♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪
♪ And we just woke up In year 2020 ♪
♪ Woke up in year 2020... ♪
[man] It's a good show.