The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 22 - Happy Birthday Dear Gaspar - full transcript

Captain Gaspar Fomento of the police force thinks everyone has forgotten his birthday, even the nuns.

(BARKING)

JACQUELINE: They say
all roads lead to Rome.

That is, all except
the ones used

by our illustrious captain
of police, Gaspar Fomento.

Those roads lead to trouble.

If the driveway is
not repaired in 2 days,

I shall be forced
to issue a citation.

Because of a crack
or two, Captain?

Oh, they give a
driveway character.

Yes, they're time's
little beauty marks.

Beauty marks?



Do you see this
gold filling, huh?

No, I... I don't
see a gold filling.

Of course you don't.

It was knocked loose when I
went over that beauty mark.

Oh, now, Captain.

Aren't you exaggerating
just a little bit?

Oh, you think so? Sister,
would you mind coming with me

just for one moment, please?

Not that a police captain
has to prove anything,

but I will prove to
you that that is a rut.

You will see that I do not
indulge in idle, uh, accusations.

Now, honestly,
Sister, did you ever...

Well, Captain, when you're
right, you're right. That was a rut.

Captain Fomento, I agree.



The driveway should be repaired.

But in two days?

The rut has been
there for three weeks

and no one has been hurt so far.

Would you like to look at a cavity
that was not there yesterday?

I beg your pardon?

Right...

He lost a filling
when he hit the rut.

I'm sorry, Reverend Mother.

I do not make the
laws. I just enforce them.

However, when I issue an order,

not even the President
himself, uh, can change my mind.

I said two days,
and two days it is.

Captain, you're
lighting the wrong end.

On purpose.

Every diet should
include a little charcoal.

Fomento?

Oh,

Reverend Mother, Sister,
is something the matter?

Well, um, it is their
driveway, Chief Galindo.

I had to invoke, um,
article 36, paragraph four.

However, I gave them two
days to have the rut repaired.

Why so short a time? Hmm?

What harm does a
little crack do, anyway?

Sisters, take all
the time you need.

Thank you, Chief Galindo.

I assure you that we will try to

have the rut repaired
as soon as possible.

Good day.

Will the Chief give
me one good reason

why he countermanded my order?

It was rigid,
arbitrary and foolish.

I only asked for one reason.

If the Chief doesn't
need me, I will retire.

I do need you.

At your service, sir.

Go to the bakery store and
get me half-a-dozen kaiser rolls.

Oh, well, the boy will be
so disappointed, Senor Ortiz.

Uh, are you sure
you can't make it?

San Marcos is only
an hour flight, huh.

SENOR ORTIZ: Tell little
Gaspar I see him soon.

Yeah, I see.

Well, maybe you can make
up for his 11th birthday.

Okay. Bye. Bye.

Oh, wow, little Gaspar's
uncle can't come.

Oh, it's no big
tragedy, Sister Bertrille.

An uncle at a surprise party is
like a square pig in a round hole.

That's peg.

Pig, peg, a children's
party is for children.

I remember my own
parties. All those games.

Um, Red Rover, Hide and Seek,

Paste the Tail on the Donkey...

That's Pin the
Tail on the Donkey.

No, paste.

We did not wish
to hurt our donkey.

Half-a-dozen kaiser rolls.

Anything else, Capitan?

No, Dyquisto, that is all.

Oh, eclairs in this
warm weather?

Um, are they safe?

From what?

Well, shouldn't they
be under refrigeration?

Highly perishable
merchandise, Dyquisto.

Si, I can see one perishing now.

Mmm.

(PAPER RUFFLING)

"Happy birthday, dear Gaspar"?

Dyquisto, who... Who
ordered that cake?

Oh, Sister Bertrille
of the convent.

It's for a surprise
party tomorrow.

It cannot be. I took
the order myself.

(MUMBLING)

Of course. My 40th birthday.

Dyquisto, that cake is for me.

So if you are
getting a whole cake,

why are you
inspecting my eclairs?

Imagine those nuns giving me a
surprise party. Me. But why me?

That's a good question.

I tell you why, hmm.

Because these are the
true Sisters of Mercy.

That'll be 60 cents
for the rolls, Capitan.

Oh, Dyquisto, I have
learned a lesson today.

A lesson of humility.

I have been permitted to stand
in the presence of true beauty,

but not only the beauty of
the heart, but of the soul.

Dyquisto?

Yes.

I insist on paying
for that eclair.

Good morning, Senor Ramirez.

(LAUGHING)

Good morning, Captain
Fomento. What can I do for you?

Uh, for me? Nothing. Oh?

But as long as I'm here,

I would like to
ask you a question.

Um, you are, um, quite close

with the sisters of the
convent, is that not so?

What do you think they
have done this time?

Nothing.

That's a pretty
package. This is a gift.

Sister Bertrille is
coming to pick it up.

Is that right? Mmm-hmm.

It's for a celebration they're
having at the convent tomorrow.

A celebration? Mmm-hmm.

Oh, how wonderful.

And you bought the
present, huh? Yes.

You're a very generous man.

Thank you. Thank you.

What for?

Uh, may I show you a
card trick, huh? Please?

Please. Uh, thank you.

(MUMBLING)

(EXCLAIMING)

You will pick a card, any card.

And put it anywhere
in the deck. Okay.

Now, with good luck, your card
should be coming up face up.

BERTRILLE: This is a raid.

Sister Bertrille, how
nice to see you. I know.

You're going to arrest me
for breaking and entering.

Oh, what a sense of humor.

Oh, in regard to the driveway,
take all the time you need.

Well, it might take
at least a week.

So what? Two weeks,
three... A month.

Well, goodbye, Senor Ramirez,
and goodbye, dear Sister.

I imagine we will be seeing
each other in the near future, huh?

Huh, huh?

Until we meet again.

What's with him?

I don't know. Maybe
he has a tick in his eye.

Here, the present
for little Gaspar.

Oh, thank you, Carlos.

I don't know how we'd
get along without you.

Just because of
a child's present?

Why, when a little boy needs
a bathrobe, you buy it for him.

Why not?

When a party needs
entertainment, you volunteer.

Oh, I try my best to...

Wait a minute. To
entertain? What can I do?

I know a few amusing stories but
I don't think they're fit for children.

Wait a minute. I have the
right person and he's available.

Who? Captain Fomento.

(SIGHS)

Oh, I don't think a lecture on the
great criminals of the world is my...

He does card tricks.

Now the question is, how are
they going to get me to my party?

How many guesses do I have?

That was just a rhetorical
question, Salazar.

I think I know how
the simple mind works.

They will probably first come
here and ask me for a favor,

for the children, of course.

Then they will ask me over
to lecture for the children

on, uh, um, great
criminals of the world, or...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Sister Bertrille. What can I
do for you? Hello, Captain.

A small favor.

Oh, a small favor?

Yes. It's for a little
boy at the convent.

A little boy?

Yes. We're giving him a
birthday party tomorrow,

but we don't want him
to know anything about it.

Oh, believe me. Your
secret is safe with me.

He's the cutest little fellow.

He is?

Yes. I was wondering if you
could come to the convent

and do a few card
tricks for the children.

For the children?

Anything for the children. Yes.

Oh, swell. Then I'll see you at 6:00
tomorrow. Okay, goodbye, Salazar.

Bye, Captain.

They are as transparent
as this window,

if you should ever get
around to washing it.

Now, I figure with the children,
the sisters and the guests,

we'll need about five plum pies.

Oh. How many plums
have you picked so far?

(JACQUELINE CHUCKLING)

Would you settle
for two plum tarts?

Well, there's the problem.

All the good plums are
on the top of the branches.

(EXCLAIMING)

(SISTERS EXCLAIMING)

(GROANING)

Show me another airline that
ships fruit right from the trees.

(CHUCKLING)

Sister.

Why, Captain, aren't
you a little bit early?

The party's not until
tomorrow. Well, Sister,

I found an extra bag
of cement in my garage.

So I said to myself, "Fomento,

"why don't you take
it up to the convent

"and help to repair
the driveway?"

Oh, well, that's
very nice, Captain,

but we couldn't
pay you for it and...

Pay me? Pay me?

It is the least I
can do for you.

Ooh! Plums. Yes.

We just picked them,
for the pies for tomorrow.

Plum pie? That's
my favorite pie.

You have been talking
to my mother, huh?

What do you mean?

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

GASPAR: Hi, Sister
Bertrille. Do you like it?

Oh, yeah. Wow, that's fantastic.

Isn't that cute?

His uncle bought him a...
A new outfit for his birthday

and he couldn't wait
till tomorrow to put it on.

His birthday is tomorrow? Yes.

That's the little boy we're
giving the surprise party for.

(STUTTERING) What is
the cute little fellow's name?

Gaspar, just like yours.

(SIGHING) This
is... Surprise party.

(STUTTERING) That's very, very
nice, especially for an orphan boy.

Good day, Sister.

(TWIG SNAPPING)

(THUDDING)

Hey, Sister. According to article 21,
paragraph seven of the health code,

it is a violation to
serve unwashed fruit.

Be careful.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

(BELL TINKLING)

Good morning.

Ah. Good morning, Sisters.

Oh, I'm so sorry, but your
cake isn't quite ready yet.

What with all the
extra decorations...

What extra decorations?

We just had the name
and the border of roses.

Ah! But under "Happy
birthday, dear Gaspar",

Capitan Fomento wanted a
police badge under crossed...

"Captain Fomento wanted"?

Yeah, of course, it was
supposed to be my idea.

I think you're a little mixed
up. I sure am mixed up.

And instead of the roses he
wanted a spray of white violets.

And since the party's for him...

Captain Fomento?

Thought the surprise party...

Was for him?

What a bummer.

Why don't we just
invite Captain Fomento

and make it a party
for both Gaspars?

Well, wouldn't the Captain
feel he was just an afterthought?

But he's coming anyway. No.

He knows that we know that
he thought the party was for him.

And since we know he
knows what we know,

how can we possibly ask him?

Isn't that what you
meant, Sister Jacqueline?

Oh. It is?

Y-yes, you're right,
Sisters. With all of his faults,

Captain Fomento is a man of,
uh, deep pride and sensitivity.

I don't think we're talking about
the same Captain Fomento.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello? Yes, Captain Fomento.

Oh, I... I'm sorry that you
won't be able to make it.

Well, we'll regret it
even more than you.

Yes, good day.

(SIGHING) See?

We are dealing with a
man of sensitivity and pride.

Apparently.

REV. MOTHER: And as I see it,

the only chance that we have of
not crushing the poor man's spirit,

is to make him think that
the party was for him all along.

What about little Gaspar?

Well, I think he's less of a
child than Captain Fomento.

Sisters, we have
had dilemmas before

and we've always
gotten an answer.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello? Yes.

Oh...

Why, Senor Ortiz, that
is a marvelous idea.

Oh, you have no idea
what it means to us.

Yes. Just as soon
as possible. Yes.

Good day, senor.

That was our solution.

Gaspar's uncle wants
him to fly to San Marcos

to see him today.

And as he owns
an amusement park,

I hardly think that it's
too much of a sacrifice.

Oh, that's terrific.

It's like having our
own private hotline.

Hello, Captain. Good morning.

For some it is a lovely morning,

but for others it is
always blue Monday.

Ooh, well, why don't
you tell the Captain

what you're doing for
your birthday, Gaspar.

I'm visiting my
uncle in San Marcos.

I suppose it is
important for someone

to enjoy a celebration
every now and then,

and even if...

You are going to visit
your uncle in San Marcos?

Flight 120. Gate three.

Oh, um, well, could you
watch Gaspar for a second?

I have to, uh, pick
up some shoes.

Uh, so you are flying to
San Marcos, young man?

Tha-that is quite a trip.

About one hour each way.

One hour each way.

Does not leave you much time
to spend with your own uncle,

not if you have to get
back the same night.

Who is getting back tonight?

Why, I figured, well,
because of your birthday...

And for my birthday my uncle
bought me a ticket to San Marcos.

On an airplane, as a present.

And I also get to go on all the
rides in the amusement park,

free, because he is the boss.

Congratulations.
You're a very lucky man.

I know.

Yes.

Okay, Gaspar. Let's go.

See, that didn't
take very long, did it?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, I see, uh, you
got your shoes.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, you have a very
smart young man.

So smart, so brilliant.
He's going to go far.

Yes. Well, he's not going to get
to San Marcos unless we hurry.

Come on. Have a nice trip.

What was he talking about?

All I said to him was that
I'm not coming back tonight.

That sounds so smart?

Well, maybe not to you, but to
him it sounds like sheer genius.

It's already 5:30, Captain.

Maybe you made
a mistake after all.

I have seen the cake, Salazar.

I have seen the preparation.

I know there is a party for me.

And they know that
there is a party for me.

But even though that I know
that they know that I know...

Captain, my wife is waiting
dinner. She's called three times.

Can we finish this tomorrow?

We will finish it today!

Tomorrow will be too late.

Tomorrow I may not have a wife.

Please. They will find
a way to get me there.

If they are so smart as to
make my life so miserable,

I am sure they are smart
enough to get me to my own party.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Captain Gaspar
Fomento at your service.

Fomento, would you
get over here at once?

I've been robbed.

Robbed? Senor Ramirez,
I will be right over.

Senor Ramirez has been robbed.

You stay here.

(BANGING DRAWER)

May I tell you
something, Salazar?

You are a fool. I am?

There is no robbery. No?

Don't you understand?

That is how they are
going to get me to the party.

What a fool I am. Yes.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

But I called 20 minutes
ago. Where the devil is...

Never mind.

Where have you been?

I had to shave.

You had to what?

A man is robbed and
he stops to shave?

That shave could cost me $5,000.

Senor, don't you think you
are overdoing it a little bit?

That's exactly what they took.

My, my, my.

Is that all you're going to say?

(TSKING)

Aren't you going to ask
me for a description?

Very well. Give
me the description.

(SIGHING)

One is blonde,
thin, six feet tall.

And the other is 5'8", and dark.

One tall... Very
well, let's go. Where?

I haven't even told you
which way they went.

All right, tell me.
Which way did they go?

(SIGHING)

South.

Naturally.

What do you mean by "naturally"?

That's in the direction
of the convent.

What does the convent
have to do with anything?

Who said anything has
got to do with anything?

What are we standing
here for? Let's go.

It is not quite 6:00
yet. And I think that...

What are we pulling up here for?

I appreciate what
you are doing for me,

but don't you think you
are going a little bit too far?

Are you mad,
Fomento? No, I am mad.

I should have asked for
Galindo, or even Salazar.

I expect you will be seeing
both of them soon enough.

Sisters?

Sister Bertrille?

Reverend Mother?

Sisters?

What is it? What's the matter?

You see, I thought...

What?

Nothing. I just made a
fool of myself, that is all.

What are you talking about?

I don't know.

On the occasion
of his 40th birthday,

a man should begin to
have some common sense.

Today is your birthday?

Oh, only a fool would believe

that the sisters would
even be aware of it.

Let alone throw
him a surprise party.

Oh, I'm sorry, Captain.

Senor Ramirez, why
are we standing here?

There are two
cutthroats on the loose.

Uh, Captain. Captain, why
don't we forget about it, huh?

Let me buy you a drink.

I never drink on duty.

Well, maybe a good
steak dinner then.

Those guys are
halfway to Brazil by now.

Anyway, my
insurance will cover it.

You are insured?

Oh, why didn't you
tell me this before?

Well, it was very
inconsiderate of me, I...

Yes. It was most inconsiderate.

You think I have
nothing else to do

but to spend my evenings
to run around like a fool?

Oh, yes. It was
most inconsiderate.

Yes, I have many
things to do. I am very...

If only I had not gone to
the bakery in the first place.

Are you sure that
you don't want me to

drive you back to your casino?

No, I'm in no
hurry to get there.

What are you going to do now?

Lock up, go home,

and have a nice
hot frozen dinner

just like any other man
would on his birthday.

Wait. We're having a great
show at the casino tonight.

Why don't you come, as my guest?

Celebrate my
birthday with tourists?

Thank you.

Would you mind if I come up
and have a cup of coffee with you?

(SISTERS CHEERING)

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

(SISTERS EXCLAIMING)

Thank you.

Sisters,

how can I find words to tell
you what is truly in my heart?

Today your overpowering
love shown to me

has shown me what
I have worked for.

And it is for this, my most
cherished moment. Thank you.

Now, who will have
the second piece?