The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 21 - The Breakaway Monk - full transcript
The sisters need to call in accident-prone Brother Paul back to the convent to do some bookkeeping work. The sisters do everything in their power to keep Brother Paul from doing harm to himself, to them or to the convent. Brother Paul is not accident-prone like he was during his last visit. On the other hand, Sister Bertrille is causing a lot of accidents and a lot of accidents are happening to Sister Bertrille by others in their attempts to avoid accidents to/from Brother Paul. The nature of the bookkeeping work is primarily in regard to Carlos' donations since he is being audited. When Mr. O'Reilly from the IRS needs to change his appointment with Carlos, Carlos uses the opportunity of his own accountant's absence at that time to use the services of "pious" Brother Paul for the audit. Brother Paul's first and only accident at the convent happens when he sees Sister Bertrille fly and in turns drops all Carlos' tax receipts, which go flying into the wind. Carlos and Brother Paul have to hold off Mr. O'Reilly while Sister Bertrille goes flying off for receipt after receipt. By the time Mr. O'Reilly completes his audit, Sister Bertrille has not found all the receipts and Mr. O'Reilly does not allow the total amounts Carlos has requested for deductions. It isn't until Sister Bertrille flies after Mr. O'Reilly with the remainder of the receipts that he changes his mind to allow whatever Carlos, Brother Paul and especially Sister Bertrille want.
(DOG BARKING)
BERTRILLE: Carlos, wait for me!
That was very good.
You should go in
for TV commercials.
Oh, yeah. "Let the
Convent San Tanco
"put you in the driver's seat."
Well, when you are number one,
you don't have to try this hard.
Well, the wind was dying down,
and I was looking for
an emergency landing.
You're in luck today.
I'm on my way to the convent.
I have to see the
Reverend Mother.
Oh? About what?
Well, my income tax
return in being audited.
And you want us to pray for you?
No. I need a statement
listing all the contributions
I made to the convent last year.
Oh, Well, I'm sure the Reverend
Mother will be glad to do it.
Eh, Carlos, level with me.
Did you do a little padding
on your income tax return?
Sister, I am an honest man
who has the utmost respect
for the laws and regulations,
and I make up my
income tax return
like any other
law-abiding citizen.
In that case, we'll light
a candle for you, too.
You see, Reverend Mother,
Carlos needs a statement
listing all of the contributions
he made to the
convent last year.
Yes. It is for the audit
of my income tax return.
I-I see.
Well, I will be very happy
to send the statement
as soon as we have it prepared.
Thank you, Reverend Mother.
And we'll wrap it around
a Saint Christopher medal.
I know I'll be sorry I asked,
but why Saint Christopher?
Well, he's the patron
saint of travelers.
In case they send
you up the river.
I was right.
You're going to make a
very funny nun, Sister. Adios.
Good day, Señor Ramirez.
Good day, Reverend Mother.
Sister Bertrille, you
should not tease him.
People always seem to be so
nervous when they become involved
with the Internal
Revenue Service.
Well, there's no need if
your records are in order.
Yes, t-that is exactly
why I am so nervous.
You mean you don't have
a list of Carlos' donations?
Yes, of course we have
a list, eh, somewhere.
But where?
Although we are
a teaching order,
you may have observed
that the one subject
that we are not very well
versed in is bookkeeping.
Well, I hope it isn't
gonna be any problem.
No, no. Not at all.
We'll just ask Brother Paul to
come and go over the books.
Ask Brother Paul?
Brother Paul?
Brother Paul?
JACQUELINE: I was in such
shock, the words stuck in my throat.
You see, Brother Paul is what
psychiatrists call accident-prone.
The last time he
was at the convent
he left a trail of
falling plaster,
splintered wood
and shattered glass.
And that's why the Reverend
Mother gave Sister Bertrille the job
of seeing that Brother
Paul didn't kill himself
and take the convent with him.
Well, Sister, we've
done the best we can.
We've locked up or crated
everything in the
place that's breakable.
What about the statue?
Well, don't you think he
can take care of himself?
I mean, we have
to have some faith.
Right.
(GASPING) Oh, no,
look what we forgot.
How can we hide a
half-finished brick wall? Oh.
Is it something I said, Sisters?
Beg your pardon?
Who are you hiding me from?
It's nothing personal. We're
just trying to protect the wall.
From what?
Not from a what. From a who.
(STAMMERING) Just
keep working. It's all right.
Oh.
Well, it certainly is nice
to be back in the convent.
Don't... don't move,
Brother Paul. Don't move.
Something wrong, Sister?
No, I just wanted to
open the door for you. Oh.
Oh, it's quite all right.
I'll get out the other side.
Stay where you are.
I should have gotten
out the other way.
Oh, that's all
right, Brother Paul.
It was bound to
happen sooner or later.
I'll show you to the cottage.
Oh, I know the
way, Sister Bertrille.
Don't you remember? I
stayed there the last time.
Remember? Who could forget?
You wouldn't want to
lie down in the cottage
and rest after
your long journey?
Well, after I pay my respects to
the Reverend Mother. Excuse me.
Brother Paul, won't
you let me carry that?
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no! I insist.
No, no, no, no. I do insist.
Sister Ana, look who's here.
Sister Ana.
Brother Paul.
(YELLS)
Well, you certainly do have
a lot of safety precautions
since the last time I was here.
Well, you know the old slogan,
"Watch out for the other guy."
A bit austere, isn't it?
Well, we know what a simple
life you live in the monastery.
Yeah, but it's so different from the
way you had it furnished the last time.
Let's see, there was an
overstuffed chair there,
a bureau and a throw rug.
Are you sure? Certainly.
I burned a hole in the chair,
dropped a drawer from
the bureau on my foot,
and threw my back out when
I slipped on the throw rug.
Well, here are the convent books
the Reverend Mother told you about.
Good. And the receipts.
And a list of donations.
We particularly want the list of
donations from Carlos Ramirez.
Good. Good. They
all seem to be in order.
What... what
happened to the lamp?
Lamp? Yes.
There was a beautiful
hurricane lamp
sitting right there
the last time.
Well, I think it disappeared.
In fact, I know it disappeared.
Well, how am I supposed
to work without any light?
I'll get you some candles.
And some matches.
Matches?
Well, to light the candles.
Matches start fires.
Well, that's one reason we
use them, to light the candles.
Well, on second thought,
candlelight is bad for your eyes.
I think I know where I can
lay my hands on a lamp.
Excuse me, Sister.
Where are you going?
I'm going out.
That's all right.
There's no need for that.
Just tell me what you want.
The bathroom.
Oh.
Pewter plates?
Actually, Brother Paul, these
plates were given to the convent
over 200 years ago
by Felipe the Third.
We only use them
on rare occasions.
BERTRILLE: Like
your visits, Brother Paul.
Brother Paul, we
certainly do appreciate
your straightening
out our books for us.
Well, sometimes I think it's
a pity to straighten them out.
It reads like a mystery story.
You never know until the last
page who did it and for how much.
Well, I hope when you track
down Carlos Ramirez's donations,
you don't find out
the butler did it.
Bread, Brother Paul?
Oh, yeah, thank you.
Don't move, I'll get it.
Here, I'll take that.
You know the old saying,
"Don't cry over spilt sugar."
Butter? Oh, thank you.
I'll get it.
Oh, dear, the milk.
Are you ready for
another old saying?
May I make a suggestion?
Why don't you change
places with me?
Oh, no, Brother Paul
Oh. Oh.
You all right?
Yeah, aside from a slight
case of butterfingers, I'm fine.
Excuse me while I fling
myself in the washing machine.
Eh, may I ask a personal
question, Reverend Mother?
Why, yes, of
course, Brother Paul.
Is there something
wrong with Sister Bertrille?
She certainly is jumpy.
Do you think so?
Well, I've noticed it
ever since I arrived.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, my goodness. He's escaped.
JACQUELINE: Every time Brother
Paul came out of his solitary confinement,
we held our collective breaths.
However, there wasn't
much we could do
even a jailbird is allowed
free time in the prison yard.
What are you
doing, Brother Paul?
Oh, I was just taking a walk
through the convent grounds.
Care to join me?
I'll be right by your side
every foot of the way.
(SIGHING)
They're really lovely.
You know, all my
roses seem to die.
Well, some of us
have green thumbs
and some of us are all thumbs.
I guess it's something
you're born with.
You know, I haven't seen roses
like these since Father MacDougal
was in the hospital.
Oh, I didn't know he was ill.
Yeah, it was an
unfortunate accident.
I was helping him dig a well
and he tripped over my...
Well, I'd rather
not talk about it.
Oh, thank you, Sister.
You're welcome.
You all right, Sister?
Yeah. It's just a flesh wound.
You ought to be more careful.
I'm trying. I'm trying.
That plank looks heavy.
I'd better give him a hand.
Oh, Brother, that's
all right. Let me do it.
Señor. Señor.
Did I hear someone calling?
Yes, you did.
Are you hurt?
Not where it shows.
I'm awfully sorry,
Sister. I did not see you.
Well, it wasn't your fault.
Why didn't you tell me you
were building a brick wall?
Would you believe
it slipped my mind?
What's left of it.
I do a lot of brickwork
around the monastery.
Now, never mind, Brother
Paul. I wouldn't want you to get...
Eh, Sister Bertrille, I hate to say
this, but you are accident-prone.
And I would know because
I used to be that way.
You used to be that way?
You mean you're not anymore?
I guess not.
I haven't had an accident
since I arrived at the convent.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Come in.
Oh, hello. Hi, Carlos.
Is this the list
of contributions?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Now the picture is complete.
Contributions for charity,
entertainment expenses,
business improvements,
depreciations,
deductible bad debts,
capital gains...
What's the matter?
Oh, Carlos, I ache all over.
In the last 24 hours I've had a
mild concussion, sprained my ankle,
wrenched my knee,
twisted my back,
broke my beads and everything.
Oh, Sister, I'm sorry.
Come here, please.
Sit down. Sit down.
Oh, I only wish I could.
Oh, Sister, you
should be more careful.
Well, it's not easy when
you're a stuntwoman
for an accident-prone monk.
Well, now that he's
finished, he'll leave.
No, he's staying on to fix
the brick wall I knocked down.
You didn't?
Yeah. I fell in so much cement
my habit can stand up by itself.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello. Yes, this
is Carlos Ramirez.
This is Mr. O'Reilly of the
Internal Revenue Service.
I wonder if we might change
the date of our meeting.
Of course, Mr. O'Reilly.
What day will be
convenient for you?
What about today?
Today? Eh, No, I'm
afraid it's impossible.
My accountant is out of town.
No, just a moment, Mr. O'Reilly.
Well, how about Brother Paul?
He used to be a taxman
before he became a monk.
Brother Paul?
Sister Bertrille, can you
imagine what can happen if a man
from the Internal Revenue
Service walks in here
and sees a monk as a taxman?
Sometimes you come up with
fantastic ideas.
Hello. Oh, Mr. O'Reilly.
Yes, today will be fine. 3:00.
Shall I come to your office?
Oh, no. Not to my office. No.
Do you know where the
Convent San Tanco is?
Okay. I'll see you there.
A tax audit in the convent?
I would hardly classify that
as a religious experience.
For me it will be,
Reverend Mother.
You see, I'm going
to pray constantly.
It is a little bit irregular.
Brother Paul was delighted.
In fact, he's already
looking over Carlos' bills.
And it'll keep him occupied
until the brick wall is finished.
That's very good
thinking, Sister Bertrille.
Señor Ramirez, you
may use my office.
Thank you.
(TELEPHONE
RINGING) Oh. Excuse me.
Hello?
Oh yes, Sister Ana.
Have him come in.
Well, that is Mr. O'Reilly
from the Internal
Revenue Service.
Oh, good.
O'Reilly. Hmm.
Well, now, that explains why
you wanted to use the chapel.
I was only kidding.
Your office will be fine.
And if you get in a tight spot,
we can have the choir
pass by and sing Ave Maria.
Sister Bertrille...
Sister Bertrille,
instead of trying to make jokes,
would you ask Brother
Paul to bring the papers?
Oh, Mr. O'Reilly. I am
Carlos Ramirez. How are you?
This is the Reverend Mother.
How do you do, Mr. O'Reilly?
Welcome to Convent San Tanco.
Thank you.
Well, I will leave
you two gentlemen.
Excuse me.
You might be wondering
why we are meeting here.
Well, it had crossed
my mind, yes.
Oh, I know that
it's a little unusual,
but you see I do so
much work for the convent.
I get involved in things
like the catechism school,
donating money
to repair the chapel,
seeing that there is enough
milk for the children at school,
running the bingo
game at the bazaar,
providing books
for the children...
Señor Ramirez...
Yes?
The Internal Revenue
Service is nonsectarian.
Boy, this wind is pretty...
Brother Paul, the papers.
PAUL: Oh, they're blowing away.
Never mind those.
I'll get them, get these!
And hurry up, Carlos is waiting.
These are the items in
question, Señor Ramirez,
that we have to have
substantiation for.
Oh, I assure you, Mr. O'Reilly,
that everything is in order.
Oh. Here is my taxman now.
Oh, Brother Paul, I want
you to meet Mr. O'Reilly.
Oh, eh, very pleased
to meet you, sir.
I never thought tax work
would beat making brandy.
Actually, Brother Paul has
been kind enough to help me
while my accountant
is out of town.
Yes. Well, let's get on with it.
Now, have you brought the
receipts from the convent?
Oh, yes... Well,
I... not all of them.
Not all of them? Yes.
Well, the rest of them are being
gathered together at this moment.
The first item in question were
your entertainment deductions.
Well, when you run a casino like
mine, you do a lot of entertaining.
It's all recorded
here in this diary.
You bring a book like
this into a convent?
Sorry, wrong diary.
Thank you, sir. Thank you!
Here's some more.
But all of my entertainment
expenses are legitimate.
Señor Ramirez, in spite of
that sequel to Peyton Place,
we still will require receipts.
Señor Ramirez!
Here are some receipts.
More on the way.
Yes. I think these will
be of value, Mr. O'Reilly.
"Lunch. Alfred Nichols."
Oh, he's the biggest
travel agent in San Juan.
He recommends
my casino to tourists.
"Dinner. Mr. and
Mrs. Norman Walters."
They are my best tourists.
From what they lost last year,
I air-conditioned
the entire casino.
"Six shirts, two pajamas,
four shorts, no starch."
This isn't deductible unless
you're entertaining your laundryman.
How did that get in there?
Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me. It's me
again. Thank you.
Mr. Ramirez, for a $23,000
entertainment deduction,
you're gonna have to
produce more receipts than this.
If you'll just be patient, sir,
I'm sure we can
get them all together.
Señor Ramirez!
More receipts.
(PAPER CRACKLING)
May I ask what is going on?
There was this
sudden gust of wind...
Well, I hardly
think I'm gonna find
substantiation of your entertainment
deductions in this little pile.
But, Mr. O'Reilly...
I don't think you'll be able to justify
$10,000 in medical deductions.
Well, eh, actually,
eh, Mr. O'Reilly,
eh, when a man does
that much entertaining,
eh, might it not follow that he
needs a lot of medical attention?
I don't know what you're
trying to pull, Ramirez,
but you're not gonna
get away with it.
(WHISPERING)
Please lower your voice.
There are sisters praying.
I hope they're praying for you.
Sure and begorra,
a nice Irish Catholic
like you is not
going to think that
I am going to lie in
a house of worship.
My father happens to be
an Episcopalian minister
and he comes from
the north of Ireland.
Shall we go back to my
office and talk this over?
We're not gonna talk
anything over, Ramirez.
Anybody who's got
a monk as a taxman
and a convent for a front
is trying to hide something.
You'll be hearing
from us, Ramirez.
And I can tell you now,
it's gonna go hard on you.
Next year, I suggest you try
having your audit in a cathedral.
What happened, Brother Paul?
I'm afraid it was my fault.
You see, I was carrying
the papers under my arm
and this sudden gust
of wind came along
and lifted Sister
Bertrille right up in the air.
You wouldn't believe it.
Oh yes, I would believe it.
Well, I... I... I reached up
and I tried to pull her down,
and well, the papers blew away.
Why didn't you tell
Mr. O'Reilly all that?
What? Tell him that
a credited accountant
lost his papers on
the way to an audit?
Oh, that's marvelous.
Now, do you know how much
money this is gonna cost me?
Well, I'd like to
help, Señor Ramirez,
but our order has
taken a vow of poverty.
I think I've got them all.
I think you are too late.
Yes. The revenue
agent just left.
Now, what are you doing?
Excuse me, while I act
like an interceptor plane.
Mr. O'Reilly!
Mr. O'Reilly, stop a minute.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Hi. Here are the rest of
Carlos Ramirez's receipts.
They may be a little
dirty but they're all there.
And it'll prove to you that all
of his deductions are legitimate
and he's been a wonderful
friend of the Convent San Tanco.
What are you doing?
Bless you, Sister.
Bless Señor Ramirez.
Bless his tax return
and bless me.
Oh.
Brother Paul, we want
to thank you once again
for straightening out our books.
Well, any time I can be of
help, just call, Reverend Mother.
Thank you. Thank you.
Brother Paul,
you'd better hurry.
We don't want to miss your bus.
Oh, thank you.
Sister Bertrille.
Sister Jacqueline.
Brother Paul, wait, Brother
Paul! I'll open the gate.
(YELPING)
You're hurt?
Okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
We'd better get
going, Brother Paul.
No, no, no. I can't leave now.
Well, it's okay. I'm all right.
Oh, no, no, no. I
got to fix the gate.
Brother Paul, we can
take care of it ourselves.
PAUL: No, no, no, no,
no. I wouldn't hear of it.
I'll get some tools.
BERTRILLE: Carlos, wait for me!
That was very good.
You should go in
for TV commercials.
Oh, yeah. "Let the
Convent San Tanco
"put you in the driver's seat."
Well, when you are number one,
you don't have to try this hard.
Well, the wind was dying down,
and I was looking for
an emergency landing.
You're in luck today.
I'm on my way to the convent.
I have to see the
Reverend Mother.
Oh? About what?
Well, my income tax
return in being audited.
And you want us to pray for you?
No. I need a statement
listing all the contributions
I made to the convent last year.
Oh, Well, I'm sure the Reverend
Mother will be glad to do it.
Eh, Carlos, level with me.
Did you do a little padding
on your income tax return?
Sister, I am an honest man
who has the utmost respect
for the laws and regulations,
and I make up my
income tax return
like any other
law-abiding citizen.
In that case, we'll light
a candle for you, too.
You see, Reverend Mother,
Carlos needs a statement
listing all of the contributions
he made to the
convent last year.
Yes. It is for the audit
of my income tax return.
I-I see.
Well, I will be very happy
to send the statement
as soon as we have it prepared.
Thank you, Reverend Mother.
And we'll wrap it around
a Saint Christopher medal.
I know I'll be sorry I asked,
but why Saint Christopher?
Well, he's the patron
saint of travelers.
In case they send
you up the river.
I was right.
You're going to make a
very funny nun, Sister. Adios.
Good day, Señor Ramirez.
Good day, Reverend Mother.
Sister Bertrille, you
should not tease him.
People always seem to be so
nervous when they become involved
with the Internal
Revenue Service.
Well, there's no need if
your records are in order.
Yes, t-that is exactly
why I am so nervous.
You mean you don't have
a list of Carlos' donations?
Yes, of course we have
a list, eh, somewhere.
But where?
Although we are
a teaching order,
you may have observed
that the one subject
that we are not very well
versed in is bookkeeping.
Well, I hope it isn't
gonna be any problem.
No, no. Not at all.
We'll just ask Brother Paul to
come and go over the books.
Ask Brother Paul?
Brother Paul?
Brother Paul?
JACQUELINE: I was in such
shock, the words stuck in my throat.
You see, Brother Paul is what
psychiatrists call accident-prone.
The last time he
was at the convent
he left a trail of
falling plaster,
splintered wood
and shattered glass.
And that's why the Reverend
Mother gave Sister Bertrille the job
of seeing that Brother
Paul didn't kill himself
and take the convent with him.
Well, Sister, we've
done the best we can.
We've locked up or crated
everything in the
place that's breakable.
What about the statue?
Well, don't you think he
can take care of himself?
I mean, we have
to have some faith.
Right.
(GASPING) Oh, no,
look what we forgot.
How can we hide a
half-finished brick wall? Oh.
Is it something I said, Sisters?
Beg your pardon?
Who are you hiding me from?
It's nothing personal. We're
just trying to protect the wall.
From what?
Not from a what. From a who.
(STAMMERING) Just
keep working. It's all right.
Oh.
Well, it certainly is nice
to be back in the convent.
Don't... don't move,
Brother Paul. Don't move.
Something wrong, Sister?
No, I just wanted to
open the door for you. Oh.
Oh, it's quite all right.
I'll get out the other side.
Stay where you are.
I should have gotten
out the other way.
Oh, that's all
right, Brother Paul.
It was bound to
happen sooner or later.
I'll show you to the cottage.
Oh, I know the
way, Sister Bertrille.
Don't you remember? I
stayed there the last time.
Remember? Who could forget?
You wouldn't want to
lie down in the cottage
and rest after
your long journey?
Well, after I pay my respects to
the Reverend Mother. Excuse me.
Brother Paul, won't
you let me carry that?
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no! I insist.
No, no, no, no. I do insist.
Sister Ana, look who's here.
Sister Ana.
Brother Paul.
(YELLS)
Well, you certainly do have
a lot of safety precautions
since the last time I was here.
Well, you know the old slogan,
"Watch out for the other guy."
A bit austere, isn't it?
Well, we know what a simple
life you live in the monastery.
Yeah, but it's so different from the
way you had it furnished the last time.
Let's see, there was an
overstuffed chair there,
a bureau and a throw rug.
Are you sure? Certainly.
I burned a hole in the chair,
dropped a drawer from
the bureau on my foot,
and threw my back out when
I slipped on the throw rug.
Well, here are the convent books
the Reverend Mother told you about.
Good. And the receipts.
And a list of donations.
We particularly want the list of
donations from Carlos Ramirez.
Good. Good. They
all seem to be in order.
What... what
happened to the lamp?
Lamp? Yes.
There was a beautiful
hurricane lamp
sitting right there
the last time.
Well, I think it disappeared.
In fact, I know it disappeared.
Well, how am I supposed
to work without any light?
I'll get you some candles.
And some matches.
Matches?
Well, to light the candles.
Matches start fires.
Well, that's one reason we
use them, to light the candles.
Well, on second thought,
candlelight is bad for your eyes.
I think I know where I can
lay my hands on a lamp.
Excuse me, Sister.
Where are you going?
I'm going out.
That's all right.
There's no need for that.
Just tell me what you want.
The bathroom.
Oh.
Pewter plates?
Actually, Brother Paul, these
plates were given to the convent
over 200 years ago
by Felipe the Third.
We only use them
on rare occasions.
BERTRILLE: Like
your visits, Brother Paul.
Brother Paul, we
certainly do appreciate
your straightening
out our books for us.
Well, sometimes I think it's
a pity to straighten them out.
It reads like a mystery story.
You never know until the last
page who did it and for how much.
Well, I hope when you track
down Carlos Ramirez's donations,
you don't find out
the butler did it.
Bread, Brother Paul?
Oh, yeah, thank you.
Don't move, I'll get it.
Here, I'll take that.
You know the old saying,
"Don't cry over spilt sugar."
Butter? Oh, thank you.
I'll get it.
Oh, dear, the milk.
Are you ready for
another old saying?
May I make a suggestion?
Why don't you change
places with me?
Oh, no, Brother Paul
Oh. Oh.
You all right?
Yeah, aside from a slight
case of butterfingers, I'm fine.
Excuse me while I fling
myself in the washing machine.
Eh, may I ask a personal
question, Reverend Mother?
Why, yes, of
course, Brother Paul.
Is there something
wrong with Sister Bertrille?
She certainly is jumpy.
Do you think so?
Well, I've noticed it
ever since I arrived.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, my goodness. He's escaped.
JACQUELINE: Every time Brother
Paul came out of his solitary confinement,
we held our collective breaths.
However, there wasn't
much we could do
even a jailbird is allowed
free time in the prison yard.
What are you
doing, Brother Paul?
Oh, I was just taking a walk
through the convent grounds.
Care to join me?
I'll be right by your side
every foot of the way.
(SIGHING)
They're really lovely.
You know, all my
roses seem to die.
Well, some of us
have green thumbs
and some of us are all thumbs.
I guess it's something
you're born with.
You know, I haven't seen roses
like these since Father MacDougal
was in the hospital.
Oh, I didn't know he was ill.
Yeah, it was an
unfortunate accident.
I was helping him dig a well
and he tripped over my...
Well, I'd rather
not talk about it.
Oh, thank you, Sister.
You're welcome.
You all right, Sister?
Yeah. It's just a flesh wound.
You ought to be more careful.
I'm trying. I'm trying.
That plank looks heavy.
I'd better give him a hand.
Oh, Brother, that's
all right. Let me do it.
Señor. Señor.
Did I hear someone calling?
Yes, you did.
Are you hurt?
Not where it shows.
I'm awfully sorry,
Sister. I did not see you.
Well, it wasn't your fault.
Why didn't you tell me you
were building a brick wall?
Would you believe
it slipped my mind?
What's left of it.
I do a lot of brickwork
around the monastery.
Now, never mind, Brother
Paul. I wouldn't want you to get...
Eh, Sister Bertrille, I hate to say
this, but you are accident-prone.
And I would know because
I used to be that way.
You used to be that way?
You mean you're not anymore?
I guess not.
I haven't had an accident
since I arrived at the convent.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Come in.
Oh, hello. Hi, Carlos.
Is this the list
of contributions?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Now the picture is complete.
Contributions for charity,
entertainment expenses,
business improvements,
depreciations,
deductible bad debts,
capital gains...
What's the matter?
Oh, Carlos, I ache all over.
In the last 24 hours I've had a
mild concussion, sprained my ankle,
wrenched my knee,
twisted my back,
broke my beads and everything.
Oh, Sister, I'm sorry.
Come here, please.
Sit down. Sit down.
Oh, I only wish I could.
Oh, Sister, you
should be more careful.
Well, it's not easy when
you're a stuntwoman
for an accident-prone monk.
Well, now that he's
finished, he'll leave.
No, he's staying on to fix
the brick wall I knocked down.
You didn't?
Yeah. I fell in so much cement
my habit can stand up by itself.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello. Yes, this
is Carlos Ramirez.
This is Mr. O'Reilly of the
Internal Revenue Service.
I wonder if we might change
the date of our meeting.
Of course, Mr. O'Reilly.
What day will be
convenient for you?
What about today?
Today? Eh, No, I'm
afraid it's impossible.
My accountant is out of town.
No, just a moment, Mr. O'Reilly.
Well, how about Brother Paul?
He used to be a taxman
before he became a monk.
Brother Paul?
Sister Bertrille, can you
imagine what can happen if a man
from the Internal Revenue
Service walks in here
and sees a monk as a taxman?
Sometimes you come up with
fantastic ideas.
Hello. Oh, Mr. O'Reilly.
Yes, today will be fine. 3:00.
Shall I come to your office?
Oh, no. Not to my office. No.
Do you know where the
Convent San Tanco is?
Okay. I'll see you there.
A tax audit in the convent?
I would hardly classify that
as a religious experience.
For me it will be,
Reverend Mother.
You see, I'm going
to pray constantly.
It is a little bit irregular.
Brother Paul was delighted.
In fact, he's already
looking over Carlos' bills.
And it'll keep him occupied
until the brick wall is finished.
That's very good
thinking, Sister Bertrille.
Señor Ramirez, you
may use my office.
Thank you.
(TELEPHONE
RINGING) Oh. Excuse me.
Hello?
Oh yes, Sister Ana.
Have him come in.
Well, that is Mr. O'Reilly
from the Internal
Revenue Service.
Oh, good.
O'Reilly. Hmm.
Well, now, that explains why
you wanted to use the chapel.
I was only kidding.
Your office will be fine.
And if you get in a tight spot,
we can have the choir
pass by and sing Ave Maria.
Sister Bertrille...
Sister Bertrille,
instead of trying to make jokes,
would you ask Brother
Paul to bring the papers?
Oh, Mr. O'Reilly. I am
Carlos Ramirez. How are you?
This is the Reverend Mother.
How do you do, Mr. O'Reilly?
Welcome to Convent San Tanco.
Thank you.
Well, I will leave
you two gentlemen.
Excuse me.
You might be wondering
why we are meeting here.
Well, it had crossed
my mind, yes.
Oh, I know that
it's a little unusual,
but you see I do so
much work for the convent.
I get involved in things
like the catechism school,
donating money
to repair the chapel,
seeing that there is enough
milk for the children at school,
running the bingo
game at the bazaar,
providing books
for the children...
Señor Ramirez...
Yes?
The Internal Revenue
Service is nonsectarian.
Boy, this wind is pretty...
Brother Paul, the papers.
PAUL: Oh, they're blowing away.
Never mind those.
I'll get them, get these!
And hurry up, Carlos is waiting.
These are the items in
question, Señor Ramirez,
that we have to have
substantiation for.
Oh, I assure you, Mr. O'Reilly,
that everything is in order.
Oh. Here is my taxman now.
Oh, Brother Paul, I want
you to meet Mr. O'Reilly.
Oh, eh, very pleased
to meet you, sir.
I never thought tax work
would beat making brandy.
Actually, Brother Paul has
been kind enough to help me
while my accountant
is out of town.
Yes. Well, let's get on with it.
Now, have you brought the
receipts from the convent?
Oh, yes... Well,
I... not all of them.
Not all of them? Yes.
Well, the rest of them are being
gathered together at this moment.
The first item in question were
your entertainment deductions.
Well, when you run a casino like
mine, you do a lot of entertaining.
It's all recorded
here in this diary.
You bring a book like
this into a convent?
Sorry, wrong diary.
Thank you, sir. Thank you!
Here's some more.
But all of my entertainment
expenses are legitimate.
Señor Ramirez, in spite of
that sequel to Peyton Place,
we still will require receipts.
Señor Ramirez!
Here are some receipts.
More on the way.
Yes. I think these will
be of value, Mr. O'Reilly.
"Lunch. Alfred Nichols."
Oh, he's the biggest
travel agent in San Juan.
He recommends
my casino to tourists.
"Dinner. Mr. and
Mrs. Norman Walters."
They are my best tourists.
From what they lost last year,
I air-conditioned
the entire casino.
"Six shirts, two pajamas,
four shorts, no starch."
This isn't deductible unless
you're entertaining your laundryman.
How did that get in there?
Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me. It's me
again. Thank you.
Mr. Ramirez, for a $23,000
entertainment deduction,
you're gonna have to
produce more receipts than this.
If you'll just be patient, sir,
I'm sure we can
get them all together.
Señor Ramirez!
More receipts.
(PAPER CRACKLING)
May I ask what is going on?
There was this
sudden gust of wind...
Well, I hardly
think I'm gonna find
substantiation of your entertainment
deductions in this little pile.
But, Mr. O'Reilly...
I don't think you'll be able to justify
$10,000 in medical deductions.
Well, eh, actually,
eh, Mr. O'Reilly,
eh, when a man does
that much entertaining,
eh, might it not follow that he
needs a lot of medical attention?
I don't know what you're
trying to pull, Ramirez,
but you're not gonna
get away with it.
(WHISPERING)
Please lower your voice.
There are sisters praying.
I hope they're praying for you.
Sure and begorra,
a nice Irish Catholic
like you is not
going to think that
I am going to lie in
a house of worship.
My father happens to be
an Episcopalian minister
and he comes from
the north of Ireland.
Shall we go back to my
office and talk this over?
We're not gonna talk
anything over, Ramirez.
Anybody who's got
a monk as a taxman
and a convent for a front
is trying to hide something.
You'll be hearing
from us, Ramirez.
And I can tell you now,
it's gonna go hard on you.
Next year, I suggest you try
having your audit in a cathedral.
What happened, Brother Paul?
I'm afraid it was my fault.
You see, I was carrying
the papers under my arm
and this sudden gust
of wind came along
and lifted Sister
Bertrille right up in the air.
You wouldn't believe it.
Oh yes, I would believe it.
Well, I... I... I reached up
and I tried to pull her down,
and well, the papers blew away.
Why didn't you tell
Mr. O'Reilly all that?
What? Tell him that
a credited accountant
lost his papers on
the way to an audit?
Oh, that's marvelous.
Now, do you know how much
money this is gonna cost me?
Well, I'd like to
help, Señor Ramirez,
but our order has
taken a vow of poverty.
I think I've got them all.
I think you are too late.
Yes. The revenue
agent just left.
Now, what are you doing?
Excuse me, while I act
like an interceptor plane.
Mr. O'Reilly!
Mr. O'Reilly, stop a minute.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Hi. Here are the rest of
Carlos Ramirez's receipts.
They may be a little
dirty but they're all there.
And it'll prove to you that all
of his deductions are legitimate
and he's been a wonderful
friend of the Convent San Tanco.
What are you doing?
Bless you, Sister.
Bless Señor Ramirez.
Bless his tax return
and bless me.
Oh.
Brother Paul, we want
to thank you once again
for straightening out our books.
Well, any time I can be of
help, just call, Reverend Mother.
Thank you. Thank you.
Brother Paul,
you'd better hurry.
We don't want to miss your bus.
Oh, thank you.
Sister Bertrille.
Sister Jacqueline.
Brother Paul, wait, Brother
Paul! I'll open the gate.
(YELPING)
You're hurt?
Okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
We'd better get
going, Brother Paul.
No, no, no. I can't leave now.
Well, it's okay. I'm all right.
Oh, no, no, no. I
got to fix the gate.
Brother Paul, we can
take care of it ourselves.
PAUL: No, no, no, no,
no. I wouldn't hear of it.
I'll get some tools.