The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Crooked Convent - full transcript

The new Captain of Police, Gaspar Fomento, is frequenting the convent's bazaar. Carlos has donated a lot to the bazaar, has won some of his donations back, and the captain has lost much. He has suspicions that the convent and Carlos are working together in a gambling ring. His suspicions increase when Sister Bertrille, in order to placate the captain, gives him back his losings from the bazaar, which the captain thinks is a bribe. To gather evidence, the captain sends in one of his assistants, Nacio, to work undercover at the convent. Nacio is working undercover of his own, as a real life bookie. When Sisters Jacqueline and Bertrille discover Nacio is taking bets at the convent, they want to warn him not to come back as they believe Captain Fomento is on to him. The captain overhears the sisters talking about horse racing and bookies, strengthening his suspicions about the illegal gambling by the sisters. Sister Bertrille goes to the race track to warn Nacio, but also to fill him in on Sister Jacqueline's expert opinions on the miserable bets that Nacio will be making. When Nacio sees Sister Bertrille fly, he figures he'd be crazy not to do what the sister tells him. In the meantime, Captain Fomento has hauled all the sisters and Carlos down to the police station to arrest them for illegal gambling. When Carlos arrives, he tells the captain that Nacio was the one doing illegal activities and was originally doing it from the police station. Before leaving San Juan for good, Nacio placed a long shot bet on one of Sister Jacqueline's picks, the bet on behalf of the convent and which paid off. The convent is $500 richer, and Chief Galindo, Captain Fomento's superior, strips Captain Fomento of his stripes due to his failure in this investigation.

(BARKING)

JACQUELINE: Gardeners
come and gardeners go.

Mostly they go.

And that's why Sister Bertrille

volunteered for gardening duty.

She was perfect for the job

since she is as much a child of
nature as the birds and the bees.

After all, she's
as busy as a bee

and she flies like a bird.

Excuse me, do you have
reservations for this flight?

Shoo. Shoo. Shoo.



Oh, swell.

Now he's brought
the whole family.

(EXCLAIMING)

JACQUELINE: I dare say,

we have the only non-scheduled
scarecrow in existence.

It's hard to believe
that anything

as innocent as a Church bazaar

could have started so much
trouble for the Convent San Tanco.

Actually, the bazaar itself

was the most successful
one we've ever had.

But, more importantly,

it was there that we all met San
Tanco's new Captain of Police,

Senor Fomento.

A model of pride, dedication,



self-confidence and stability.

Oh, Captain Fomento,
are you enjoying yourself?

Yes, Reverend Mother.

But next time I would suggest

that you would apply
for a police permit.

Oh, is that necessary?

No, but it wouldn't hurt.

Captain!

Are you... Are you all right?

Yes, I'm all right. Thank you.

As Captain of the Police,

I'm also serving in the
Building and Safety Commission.

Therefore, I am
telling you, as of now,

I am condemning your booth!

Well, as a matter
of fact, Captain,

you see, we were just in
the process of dismantling it.

Yes. And you just
gave us a great start.

Is everything all right?

Oh, yes. Thank you
very much, senor.

Senor Ramirez, have you met

our new Captain of
Police, Captain Fomento?

Oh, of course.
Pleasure to see you.

Likewise. And I
must congratulate you

on your winning the raffle.

Uh, I must confess
that I had my eye

on that television set.

I bought 10 tickets.

Oh, that was very
generous of you, Captain.

How many did you buy?

One.

One? Imagine,

you buy one ticket
and it is drawn.

You must be truly, a
very lucky man, senor.

He's luckier than
you think, Captain.

Carlos is the one who
donated the television set.

That's amazing.

You donate the prize,
you buy one ticket,

and out of hundreds of tickets
in the bowl, yours is picked, huh?

Are you suggesting, Captain,

that there was anything
crooked about this raffle?

You said crooked, I didn't.

I'm not too sure I like
your implication, Captain.

I mean, you being at the raffle,

you saw the Reverend
Mother pull all the ticket.

But I am certain,
Captain Fomento,

that you couldn't help seeing

that I was wearing a blindfold
when I pulled out the ticket.

Yes, and this is the
blindfold she wore.

How convenient. You donate
need the prize and the blindfold, huh?

Observe, Sister.

Hmm?

Yes, I have to admit that I wouldn't
wanna be wearing that blindfold

if I were facing a firing squad.

Very well put, Sister.

(CHUCKLING)

They just don't make sport
jackets like they used to.

Reverend Mother, if you will
excuse me, I have to go by my casino.

And then I have to go to
the bank before it closes.

And then I have to go to
the tailor before he closes.

Sister Bertrille, we thought we'd
give you a hand taking down the wheel.

Oh, be very careful,
it was very kind to us.

Yes, we could say we're
taking in money, hand over feet.

No, that's fist.

Oh, taking money fist over feet.

Sister! Excuse me.

Um, you have had a very good
fortune with this wheel of fortune, huh?

Yes, we made $81.50.

No one could beat the wheel.

I had to lose $25
to find that out.

He was our best customer.

Oh, well, you know
what they say, Captain.

"The wheel of fortune,
around she goes,

"and where she
stops, nobody knows."

(ALL LAUGHING)

But sometimes, where she
goes, somebody does know.

Captain Fomento,
are you implying

that someone has been
tampering with this wheel?

Reverend Mother, please.

I'm not trying to imply
nothing at all like that.

But there have been
instances in the past,

where wheels of
fortune such as these

have been deliberately
rigged and weighted

for the benefit of the house.

And, uh,

I have found the rigging
and the weighting,

and you're all under arrest!

REV. MOTHER: You must be joking.

When I lost my money, I
lost my sense of humor.

BERTRILLE: We don't
even own this wheel.

Now wait a minute. We
never touched the wheel.

Where did you get if from?

It happens to be a
very generous gift

from a very old
friend of the convent.

FOMENTO: You call a
person like this generous?

Let us not forget
that he also donated

the blindfold and
the television set.

But it was all for charity.

The law does not
recognize charity

as a justification
for illegal gambling.

Oh, come on, Captain.

Only a fool would
lose more than $1

to win a box of homemade fudge.

While I was there,
a fool lost $25.

What? Nothing.

Now, if you have tampered
with the wheel at the bazaar,

how do we know
that you have not done

the same thing here
in your own casino?

You are free to inspect every
wheel in this house at any time.

And the cards, too?

The cards? Uh-huh.

I want you to know that I have
had a great deal of experience

in detecting marked cards

and observing the
practice of dealing

from the bottom of the deck.

If I were you, Captain,

I wouldn't play
cards with strangers.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

CARLOS: Come in.

Carlos, the Reverend Mother
wanted to know if perhaps...

Oh,

Sister Bertrille, I
believe. Hello, Captain.

Tell me, Sister, do
you often visit here?

The Sisters of the convent
consider me to be a patron.

Only last week he donated

a work bench to stimulate
interest in wood working.

Oh, that's good thinking.

Yes, very good thinking.

You see, there's always
a shortage of carpenters

who can make handmade wheels.

Are you all right, Captain?

I shall be going
now, Senor Ramirez,

but I want you to know

I shall be watching
your every step closely.

In fact, I shall be watching
all of San Tanco closely.

What can I do for you, Sister?

Well, it's not that we don't
appreciate what you've done for us,

but the Reverend Mother feels
perhaps you've done a little too much.

Oh, I just got
through explaining

to Captain Fomento
that nobody got hurt.

Except some fool that lost $25.

Who do you think that fool is?

Him?

No wonder he's
playing Charlie Chan.

I tell you, we have to get
him off our backs. Well, how?

Well, there is only one
way to cure a sore loser.

Give him back his money.

And that's exactly what the
Reverend Mother intends on.

Oh, no. My crime, I
want to pay for it. $25.

JACQUELINE: When Captain
Fomento reported his suspicions

about the convent
and the crooked wheel

to his brother-in-law,
Chief Galindo,

the Chief summed up
his feelings in two words.

Get out!

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Come in!

Good afternoon, Chief.

Sister Bertrille.

Captain, could I see
you for a moment?

Are you through with me, sir?

Keep this up and I will be.

I wanted to give you this.

It's a little something.

We hope it'll take
care of things.

Nice to see you again, Chief.

Oh.

Uh-huh!

What is it? Evidence that the
Bishop is skimming the poor box?

Oh, laugh if you will, but this little
envelope that was delivered to me

by Sister Bertrille is
the inevitable bribe.

Bribe? Uh-huh.

You heard it with
your own ears, no?

Here is a little something
to take care of things.

Fomento, you're
out of your mind,

and if you pursue
this any further

you'll be out of a job!

Furthermore...

Fomento, take my advice,

forget about the underworld

and stamp out the litterbugs.

Captain Fomento speaking.

Just one moment, please.

Nacio. Nacio, another
phone call for you.

Oh, thank you, Captain.

Thank you.

This is the fifth call
this morning, huh?

Yes. Sorry,
Captain. It's all right.

Hello. Oh, yes, cousin. Yes.

(STAMMERING) Certainly,
I'll take care of everything.

Mmm-hmm.

Uh, that's my cousin. He's sick.

Nacio. Yes, Captain?

It is my understanding
that the...

At the Convent San Tanco,

they are looking for a gardener.

How would you
like such a position?

Is the Captain displeased
with my work here?

No, no, no. On the contrary.

I am most delighted
with your work.

No, I was thinking
that perhaps maybe

you could handle both jobs.

But I am perfectly happy here.

I'm urging you to take
the job at the convent.

Besides,

the job calls for
little gardening,

but a lot of spying.

Yes?

I, uh, I believe
he is on his way.

Yes.

Nacio.

Telephone for me,
Reverend Mother? Yes.

I, uh, I believe it is your, uh,

your nephew, Bernardo.

Oh yes, on my mother's side.

You know, Nacio, we admire

a family that stays
together, a closely-knit family,

but, um,

you know, the Bishop tried
to reach us all day yesterday,

without success.

Hello. Yeah.

Uh,

Heyburner

to Watchmego.

Daily double.

Right.

No, I have no, uh, problem
with the police station,

I just moved to a new location.

Tell the rest of the boys, uh,

I'm at the Convent of San Tanco.

Bless you for calling, Bernardo.

But you really should let the
new gardener take care of that.

Are you kidding?

The new gardener hasn't been off
the phone long enough to rake a leaf.

He does get a lot
of calls, doesn't he?

I counted 12 so far today.

You know, if we're smart,

for Christmas we'll all chip in

and get him a phone
for his lawn mower.

Oh.

Uh, that was my cousin, Enrique.

Uh, I have a lot of relatives.

(BIRD CALLING)

Well, I... I... I hate to interfere
with your family responsibilities,

but we could use a few
more flowers for the rectory.

Oh, yes, yes. Right away.

As soon as I,
uh, feed the birds.

Feed the birds?

Nacio, do you have
anything to report?

Yes. Ah-ha.

I've seen the Sisters
go in there. Where?

There and do a
lot of whispering.

That is the chapel, and
they are praying, you stupid...

JACQUELINE: Nacio! Telephone!

(GRUNTING)

JACQUELINE: Things
worked out rather equitably

between the Sisters and Nacio.

The convent got a lovely garden,

and he got an ecumenical
answering service.

(BIRD CALLING)

We also got a few
strange birdcalls.

Sister Jacqueline, do they
have bobolinks in Puerto Rico?

They do now.

(BIRD CALLING)

FOMENTO: You have
anymore information?

Information about what?

Who is it?

Captain Fomento!

Oh, Captain. Are you all right?

Well, yes, of...

Gracious. That's wonderful.

Information about what?

Well...

Oh, yes, the machine,
the Auto Club.

Well, I want information for when
they will be arriving here. Yes.

Would you like to use
our telephone? No, no, no.

You're welcome in
between Nacio's calls.

(CHUCKLING) Nacio.
No, no, thank you.

They should be arriving
here any moment, you see.

Thank you. Thank you.

REV. MOTHER: Nacio! Telephone!

See what I mean? Yes.

Nacio!

Nacio, telephone!

Oh.

I think perhaps he's down in
the tool shed, Reverend Mother.

I see. Well then would
you please tell him

his Uncle Diego wants to
speak to him on the telephone.

Never have I witnessed
such family loyalty.

We'll look. All right.

I wonder where he could be.

Even money he's
at the racetrack.

What makes you say that?

A racing form! Why
look, he's in horses.

Avidly, if not professionally.

That would explain all those
phone calls from those relatives.

What do you mean?

Sister Bertrille, the Convent San
Tanco is a front for a bookmaker.

Well, you're not serious.
Nacio, a... a bookie?

That's the best bet of the day.

Why, no wonder Captain Fomento's
been snooping around lately.

He's suspicious of Nacio
and he's probably waiting

for the right moment
to arrest him.

He'd better hurry.

Why?

Well, Nacio is committing

the cardinal sin of bookmakers.

He bets, too.

And according to the
horses he's picked here,

he'll be out of business
before the fifth race.

How come you know so much

about horse racing,
Sister Jacqueline?

Well, my father was a handicapper
for the St. Louis Chronicle.

Well, it all looks awfully
complicated to me.

Oh, no, it's not. No?

No, once you get the hang of it.

Now look, here's the first race.

Nacio has circled number
four horse, King Saxon.

So you think King Saxon
doesn't have a chance?

He's a goat. Oh.

No, no, no, no.

The horse to beat in
this race is Lovers Delight.

Lovers Delight.

Yes, he's got good breeding

by Baron Estey out
of Action Gal. Oh.

She's a Glenn Spirit mare. Oh.

Oh, they all have a lot of speed

and with his number
one post position,

he should break on top and
save a lot of ground on the rail.

Well, what about
the second race?

Well, if anybody called
me for a bet on Poor Stan,

I'd lay off the money
on another bookie.

Right.

Anyway, Sister, if you're right,

Nacio's gonna lose his shirt.

And on top of that,

he's going to be arrested
by Captain Fomento.

And then his troubles
will really start.

What do you mean?

He's got to face the
Reverend Mother.

Oh, we really should
warn the poor soul...

Yes. Not to come back.

But I don't think we
can get there in time.

All I need is a
strong wind, Sister.

Now hear this.

This is your Captain speaking.

We are closing in on
the gambling syndicate.

Pick up! I repeat, pick up
Carlos Ramirez immediately.

I personally will
round up the Sisters.

Oh, yes.

Tell Chief Galindo
that I was right.

The nuns are running
a crooked convent.

Over and

out.

JACQUELINE: They're off and
Fomento takes an early lead.

And here comes Sister
Bertrille on the outside.

Now they're coming
down the home stretch

and it's Sister
Bertrille by a nose.

So much for the race.

Now to find our friend,
Nacio, before he loses his shirt.

Sister, what are you
doing at the racetrack?

Well, I have to find someone
and I had a hunch they'd...

A hunch?

To win at the races, you
need more than a hunch,

or even prayers.

I went to church this
morning and I'm out $300.

What church did you go to?

San Augustine.

I think that's for trotters.

Want a tip?

Put all your money
on Lovers Delight.

There's Nacio.

Nacio. Nacio, am
I glad I found you.

Sister Bertrille.

Sister?

A Sister shouldn't
be on the racetrack.

What will the Protestants say?

Nacio, we came
across your racing forms.

All those phone calls, they
weren't from your relatives,

they were from
people placing bets.

Now admit it.

They could still
be my relatives.

Nacio.

(SIGHING)

Is the Reverend
Mother angry with me?

She doesn't know.
We haven't told her yet.

Good, then I can
still use her phone.

You can't still use the convent.

And besides, Captain
Fomento is onto you, too.

Oh, no. Yes.

Sister Bertrille,

Lovers Delight is a goat.

Not according to
Sister Jacqueline.

She says he's dropping in class,

he's in light, he
loves the distance,

he's breaking from the outside

and yesterday he ran six
furlongs in 1:11 and change.

Good luck from all of
us at the convent, Nacio.

I'm putting every cent I got

on Lovers Delight.

You are?

After what I just saw,
I'd be crazy not to.

I am sure that all of
you must have heard

that a confession
is good for the soul.

And I am sure, Captain, that we
are aware of the value of confession,

but, uh, just what would
you have us confess to?

You know as well as I
do, Reverend Mother,

and I use the term loosely.

What's this about raiding the...

May the Saints preserve us.

As a matter of fact, I think the
Saints will be most delighted

that I have exposed these
imposters and their crooked convent.

Are you out of your mind?

Is it not true that
this afternoon,

at exactly 17 minutes past 4:00,

both of you were sitting
in the convent tool shed

selecting horses
from a racing form?

Well, I can explain...

FOMENTO: No, no, no.

Yes or no.

Well, yes.

Sisters, you do not have to
be intimidated by the police.

Simply tell the truth.

Well, the truth of the matter
is we were in the tool shed

and we did have a racing
form and I was picking horses.

How many winners did you have?

Really, Sister Sixto.

What do you say to
that, eh, Chief, huh?

Your beloved nuns booking bets.

Good work,
Salazar. Wait outside.

Captain, may I ask you why
one of your storm troopers

arrested me at the racetrack?

And what are the
Sisters doing here?

When I put out a dragnet,
I make a clean sweep.

Now do you get
the picture, Chief?

The Sisters work in the
convent and he's the outside man.

Well, I would say that
I have an airtight case.

I think there are few
punctures in your case, Captain.

Yes, like your friend, Nacio.

He told me the whole story.

He was working
for you, wasn't he?

Exactly. He is my
undercover man.

You mean you planted
him in our garden?

Clever, eh?

Captain Fomento, I
dislike interrupting,

but may I ask what is going on?

Nacio was using the
convent to take bets

and the Sisters found out.

What?

Our gardener was a...

A bookmaker.

Bookmaker? Yes, Reverend Mother.

He moved his operation to the
convent from this police station.

He was using the police
station to take bets?

But I assure you that there
is an explanation for this.

When I have Nacio arrested...

Forget it, Captain.

He's on his way to a
gardening job in Las Vegas.

Well, I'm glad he's
finally going straight.

Reverend Mother, here is
$500, compliments of Nacio.

He put $10 on Lovers
Delight's nose for the convent.

And it was 50-1 long shot.

Oh, Sister Jacqueline,
you were right.

That old nag was a shoo-in.

I beg your pardon?

It's all yours, Reverend Mother.

Oh, no. That was
very nice of Nacio,

but I'm afraid that the
convent cannot take money

gained under these
circumstances.

Reverend Mother, that
would pay to fix the leaky roof.

We can put down buckets, Sister
Bertrille, as we've done before.

We could buy the hot
water boiler we wanted.

Sister Jacqueline,
doctors have proved

that cold showers are
good for the circulation.

But we need new
desks for the school.

Sister Sixto, sitting on benches

is good for a child's posture.

Senor Ramirez, you must give
this money to a worthy charity.

Reverend Mother, excuse me,

but I... I... I think I
know of a worthy charity.

You do? Yes.

There's this convent
that needs a new roof,

and a new boiler and new
desks for the school kids.

Well, I... I never thought
of it quite that way.

Thank you, Senor Ramirez.

And thank you, Chief Galindo.

And thank you, Captain...

Senor Fomento,

for sending us Nacio.

Come along, Sisters.