The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 16 - The Great Casino Robbery: Part 1 - full transcript

(BARKING)

JACQUELINE: Sister Bertrille
is not superstitious by nature,

but she does believe that
disasters come in threes,

at least where she's concerned.

(ENGINE STARTING)

Disaster number one.

She kept a wary eye out
for disaster number two

and, sure enough, it struck.

A hunter, fighting the
morning chill with a little brandy,

mistook her for a duck.

(GUN FIRING)



Hey, cut it out down
there. I'm not in season.

And now for disaster
number three.

My Uncle Reggie's
coming to Puerto Rico.

How nice.

Well, is he on your
mother's or your father's side?

Neither.

How's that?

Well, he's not
actually my uncle.

JACQUELINE: Oh.
Just a friend of the family.

Yes, but I'm the only friend
he has left in the family.

Oh, the poor man. Why is that?

Well, for openers, he's lost
three fortunes in his lifetime.

Why, goodness.

I would think that your family
would have compassion for him.



The fortunes he
lost were my father's,

my cousin's and a maiden aunt.

JACQUELINE: Usually Sister Bertrille's
instincts about people are sound.

But when I met Uncle Reggie,
I thought she was dead wrong.

Disaster indeed.

He was a delight.

I hope you like it.

It's my pineapple
inside-out cake.

That's upside-down.

I know it's supposed
to be upside down.

That's what you call a pineapple
inside-out, upside-down.

Well, whatever you call it,

if this doesn't win the
next International Bakeout,

I'll demand an investigation.

Well, ladies,

this is the lovely
Convent San Tanco.

It's charming. It's beautiful.

Thank you.

Reverend Mother,
would I be presumptuous

if possibly I offered
a contribution

to help you in your work here?

Not at all. In fact, the more
presumptuous, the better.

It's really not
necessary, Uncle Reggie.

Of course it's not
necessary, Elsie.

I want to.

Now, uh, how does
$10,000 sound to you?

Uh, almost as sweet as
Bach's Requiem Mass.

Are you kidding?

Too little?

Oh, how does $20,000 sound?

20?

Have another piece of cake.

I... I really think that's too
much generosity, Uncle Reggie.

Nonsense. What's money for?

As a matter of fact, as soon as I
can unfreeze my Swiss holdings,

I shall see to it that you
get my certified check.

Now, of course, in the meanwhile,
we can supplement our income,

that... that is, your income, by
leasing the oil rights to the land.

Well, how do you know
there's oil on the land?

Well, but how do you
know that there isn't?

I mean, have you ever
had a geologist's report?

No.

Well, I know a young
graduate geologist

that'll do the whole
job without a fee.

Now, judging from my
experience in these matters,

I would say that this property
might yield, oh, 10 barrels a day.

But how do you know
he'll find anything?

He owes me a favor.

Oh.

Is she really flying?

I'm afraid so.

Sister Bertrille, not
when we are entertaining.

Sorry.

Why, that's remarkable!

That beats the...
the Indian rope trick.

Can you do that any
time that you want to?

Well, it-it's not a
trick, Uncle Reggie.

You see, it's simple
aerodynamics.

When lift plus thrust is
greater than load... But this is...

This is better than the oil.

REGGIE: Do you know what the
circus world would give for an act

like that or Ed Sullivan?

I... I don't want to lose
my amateur standing.

Reverend Mother,
Captain Fomento is here.

Uh, Captain Fomento?

Ask him to come in.

Captain Fomento?

Army?

Police.

I'm sorry to be barging in
on your afternoon tea, Sisters,

but I'm on the
trail of a car thief.

Car thief? Yes. A car thief.

The witnesses, they said,

they saw the thief heading
towards the direction of the convent.

Uh, the only thief,

uh, person here is the
uncle of Sister Bertrille.

Oh, yes, Captain Fomento.

I'd like you to meet my uncle.

I guess he stepped
inside for a moment.

Captain Fomento, have
they identified the thief?

Yes, yes, yes. It is a teenager,

but a very strange
looking teenager.

Close cropped
hair, no sideburns,

and dressed very, very neatly.

Well, I hope you find him.

Her.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Oh.

Salazar. That's the signal,
and I must answer him.

We have surrounded her.

Well, Mr. Perkins,
where did you go?

I was in the chapel,
Reverend Mother. Oh.

I felt the need
of a little prayer.

Well, ladies, I think I'd better
be going. Until tomorrow, then?

Tomorrow? I thought you
were just passing through.

Elsie, my dear, my passing
through days are finished.

Temporarily, of course.

No, actually I'm down here to take
over the management of a local firm

that's having
a little difficulty.

It seems they need
someone to bail them out.

This, of course,
is my specialty.

What firm is that?

Oh, I don't think you ladies
would be familiar with it.

Casino Carlos. What?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Come on.

Elsie, how nice of you to come
to see me on my opening night.

This is fantastic.

That Mr. Perkins
should turn out to be

practically a member
of your family.

That's right. He is a practical
uncle, not a registered one.

Well, that is a more important
recommendation to me

than even the excellent references
he brought from Las Vegas.

Uncle Reggie, I
didn't know that you...

If you'll excuse me,

I have to go to dice table number
three and pick up the cash box.

See you later, Elsie. Bye.

Carlos, are you letting Uncle
Reggie handle the cash?

Well, he's the pit
boss. That's his job.

Why shouldn't I?

Those cash boxes,

they look so
heavy and he's so...

Well, he's not very strong.

Well, he looks
very healthy to me.

And he's very ingenious. Look.

BERTRILLE: Why,
those look like sun lamps.

They are sun lamps.

It was Reggie's idea.

A man can gamble and
get a tan at the same time.

He may end up poorer,

but he will look
a lot healthier.

That's ridiculous.

Why? That table has done 20
percent more business than ever before.

Hello, Sister. Hi.

Looking for someone?

No one in particular.

I was just wondering
how Uncle Reggie's doing.

Oh, he's over there.
But don't disturb him.

Why, what's he doing?

Well, he is cheating at poker.

Cheating at poker?
You're letting him?

Well, relax.

He's just showing my
customers what to watch for

when playing with strangers.

Another public service
feature of Casino Carlos.

Brilliant man.

You were right.
They're fascinated by it.

Carlos, like I said,
it pays to advertise.

Brilliant idea.
You did it again.

Look at the way they're
all looking at the money.

They look so greedy.

Oh, but that's the whole point.

You see, it's
psychological, my dear.

All the innocents will go back

to the gaming tables
and try and win it all.

(BATON TAPPING)

Oh.

I knew that sooner or later that
nincompoop was bound to show up.

Come in.

What can I do for you, Captain?

Well, unfortunately, although
I am powerless to prevent this,

I feel that I must warn
you that sooner or later,

one of these people is bound to
make one clean sweep of all this...

You see? I told you.

It was going to give
you trouble already.

Do you have a broom?

Well, Bruce, what do you think?

Personally, I think they're
asking for trouble with that window.

Oh, yes. Sooner or later,
somebody's bound to knock it over.

(CHUCKLING)
Sooner than you think.

Lovely. How much do
you think is in there?

Oh, enough to last us
a year if we live frugally.

Thank you.

Ex-Excuse me, sir.

I... I seem to have
misplaced my glasses.

Could you possibly read
the date on that bill for me?

Be delighted. Thank you.

1935.

And the, uh, letters
above and to the right?

"D-N-M."

A 1935.

Why, I can hardly
believe it. That's fantastic.

1935 was a good
year? Shh. Shh. Yeah.

This dollar bill is worth $6.50.

How's that again?

It's a collector's
item. Silver certificate.

That's my hobby,
collecting rare bills and coins.

Fascinating. And profitable.

Tell me more.

Oh, are you interested
in coin collecting?

I am now.

REGGIE: What do you
see, Reverend Mother?

An Indian penny.

And what is the date?

1863.

Do you know the
value of this penny?

Sure. You have five of
those and you get a nickel.

Wrong. One of
these will get you $2.

And do you know why? No.

Well, neither do I.

But a gentleman at the Casino
Carlos cocktail bar explained to me

that it had something to do
with the "L" in the Indian's bonnet.

Now be that as it
may, I own a $2 penny.

How fortunate for
you, Mr. Perkins.

Not for me, Reverend
Mother, for the convent.

As I promised you I'd help
you with your financial burdens,

and I believe that I've
found the perfect way to do it.

Why, I plan to make this convent a
veritable Taj Mahal of the Caribbean.

Now, this looks like an
ordinary dollar bill, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Now, can either of you
guess how much it's worth?

We give up.

Exactly $1.

Swell!

Do you know why?

Because George Washington
doesn't have an "L" in his bonnet.

Exactly.

In other words, it's just a
run-of-the-mill, ordinary dollar bill.

But, if it had "1875 7F,"

it would be worth $3.50.

How fascinating.

Yes. I had this friend in high
school who was a... a numis...

Um, um, a numis...

Uh, um, he was a coin collector.

Well, of course, this is far from
being a child's game, my dear,

but it is a perfect way to
raise money for the convent.

Well, where are we going
to look for all that money?

Where else?

(LAUGHS)

Quit beating around
the bush. Yes or no? No.

Maybe we ought to go back to
beating around the bush. Why not?

Because I can't have my
counting room full of nuns.

It will discourage the gamblers.

Naturally, we'd do
it after closing hours.

What do you say?

You're not getting to me.

Look at it this way.

Instead of running to you
every time we're in trouble,

we'd be self-sufficient.

Now you're getting to me.

Well, I must admit it is a
novel way to raise funds,

but after 2:00 in the morning?

How will you all stay awake?

Just the thought of all
those valuable coins and bills

will be enough to keep me perky.

And I took three nips today.

Naps, Sister.

Okay, I took three
naps of cooking sherry.

Well, anyway, my uncle Reggie

sent us some coin
catalogues from San Juan

and we've been studying them.

At least Sister Jacqueline has.

They don't seem
too difficult, do they?

Well, learning about
coins is a cinch,

if you have a good
mind for Chinese puzzles.

Reverend Mother, there's a
Sister Mary Grace here to see you.

Sister Mary Grace?

Uh, I don't believe that I
know a... Where is she from?

I don't know. But she spoke as
though you were expecting her.

Oh.

Well, ask her to come in.

REV. MOTHER: Do any
of you know this Sister?

ANA: Sister Mary Grace.

Hello.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize
that you were at dinner.

Welcome, Sister.

Won't you join us?

Sister Sixto, will you set
another place, please?

Reverend Mother, I'd
like to express my thanks.

It's very kind of you
to let me stay here.

Not at all.

Sister, I must admit that I... I
do not really know who you are.

What?

Oh.

You mean you didn't get the
bishop's letter from Uganda?

Bishop's letter?

Oh.

The mails from Africa
are so unreliable.

Oh, I, I really
feel like a fool.

Maybe you don't even have
room. Perhaps I'd best go to a hotel.

Not at all. You're most
welcome in any case.

Uh, Uganda? Isn't
that in Central Africa?

Yes. I've been serving at the
mission there for the past two years.

And now I'm on my way to
my new assignment in Chile.

Oh, wow! Join a convent
and see the world.

FAYE: And then in the evenings,

after we had made our
rounds at the jungle hospital,

Dr. Mullaney would sit at
the organ and he'd play Bach.

Oh, it was truly the most
rewarding experience.

Oh.

SIXTO: What's the matter?
JACQUELINE: What is it?

(GROANING)

What?

Uh, uh, may I have a
glass of water, please?

Oh, are you ill, Sister?

It... It is just a touch
of malaria. It'll pass.

There you are.

There you are.

Thank you.

"George Washington, 1932 D."

Oh, George Washington.
My favorite president.

Is it worth anything?

Oh, are you joking?

I'd have to read a book
to know how to look it up.

It happens to be a VG, Sister.

And worth about $30.

VG?

Very good.

Do you happen
to be a... a num...

(STUTTERING)

A coin collector?

My father was, and he was
the one who got me interested.

In fact, I still have
a complete set

of 1928 "A" dollars
in XF condition.

XF. I know what that is.

Like extra fancy, like
canned peaches, right?

Actually, it means extra fine.

My, this is going to be fun.

Why, in Uganda, nobody
knew a 1937 PDS Arkansas

from a Walking Liberty Half.

Oh, it's fantastic.

Well, it's just like
you've been sent here.

Beg pardon?

Tell me, what are you
doing at 2:00 tonight?

Uh, Carlos, I'd like you to meet
Sister Mary Grace. She's visiting us.

And would you believe,
she's an expert on coins.

Oh, you must be a
very welcome visitor.

Well, I have to leave.

Reggie's locking up, but he
will be here with you in a minute.

Oh, you have to go?

Yeah. I have to
visit a sick friend.

At 2:00 in the morning?

Well, it's an emergency.

I know, she can't get the cork
out of the champagne bottle.

Sister Bertrille, I'm
leaving you my money.

Would you please
leave my life alone?

What's that?

Oh, this is a burglar alarm.

If I don't disconnect it
before I open the vault,

it will go off in
Fomento's office.

And he will come running
here, in a day or two.

No peeking.

(SIXTO SNEEZING)

FAYE: Bless you.

BRUCE: Did you have
any trouble getting away?

FAYE: Nope. I had
to get my malaria pills.

Hmm.

Whoa. This vile
cigarette tastes so good.

Tell me about the alarm.

It's a Pittsburgh Maccadan.
Simple on and off switch,

and it's hidden
behind a painting,

behind the desk in the office.

Good. Uh, did you get a look at
the first number of the combination?

Yeah. It's set at five, and
the first turn is to the right.

(CHUCKLING) Lovely reception.

I'll just slow it down a bit.

Yeah. I'll get it.

Yeah, write this
down, would you?

(CLICKING)

One, two, three,
four. It started at five.

That's nine to the right.

Yeah.

(CLICKING)

One, two, three,
four, five, six.

That's three to the left.

(CLICKING)

One, two, three.
That's six to the right.

(SNEEZING)

FAYE: Bless you.

That's Sister
Sixto catching cold.

Well, that's it.

To the right, nine.
To the left three.

And to the right, six. Lovely.

Now you'd better get
back to the convent.

Yep. As soon as I
finish my cigarette.

No. Take a mint
instead, all right?

Listen, relax. Don't be nervous.

The worst is over. What time do
you go back to the counting room?

Tonight. The usual time. Good.

At exactly 2:30, you are going
to get a violent attack of malaria.

Oh.

There we go.

You got one?

Thanks.

Oh, this is a good one. Look.

Oh. Oh.

(ALL CHATTERING)

(SIGHING)

What is it? Sister, what is it?

What's the matter?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's my malaria.

Oh, my. Where are your pills?

P-Pills, in... in the purse.

Oh, you didn't bring
your purse with you.

It's not here.

Oh, I'm sorry... Do
you know where it is?

I must have left
it in the station.

Oh, oh.

Oh, my. We're locked in.

Wait a minute.

It'll be all right.
Just take it easy.

Uncle Reggie. REGGIE: Yes.

Uncle Reggie, open
up. It's an emergency.

Right away.

What's the matter?

She had an MA.

An MA?

A malaria attack.

Her pills are in her purse
in the station wagon.

Uh, p-purse in the station
wagon. I'll go get them.

Thanks.

The purse wasn't in the car. Oh.

Oh.

I must have left
it at the convent.

I'm afraid you'll
have to take me back.

I'm truly sorry.

That's all right.

That's all right. The
money won't disappear.

Cleaned out. Every last dime.

Not every last dime,
Senor Ramirez. No.

Ah! I have a few questions
I would like to ask you.

First of all, how much
actually was stolen?

About $50,000 more or less.

Senor Ramirez, if we want to
get down to the bottom of this,

we must get the actual facts.

Now, which is it? More or less?

$49,500 and then some
odd dollars, if you must know.

What's the difference?

The important
thing is, who stole it?

49,500.

No change?

No change. No change.

All right. Now
second question is,

what happened to
the burglar alarm?

CARLOS: Oh, I found these.

They were blocking the circuit.

FOMENTO: This looks
like pieces of a swizzle stick.

Hmm. We shall begin the
interrogation with your bartender.

I think we'd better begin the
interrogation with Uncle Reggie.

Sister Bertrille's
Uncle Reggie? Uh-huh.

You must be kidding.

Well, I hate to say it, but he
was the last one to leave last night

and he had the combination.

Why, that certainly does
not prove that he is guilty.

He also left the hotel
with no forwarding address!

We shall forget the bartender
and interrogate Uncle Reggie.

As soon as I heard
there was a robbery,

I just knew you'd pin
it on Uncle Reggie.

Take it easy, Sister.

He just couldn't have
taken that money.

Well, we... we
never said he did.

See? I told you they'd be fair.

A man is innocent until
proven guilty. You're right.

The only trouble
that we may have is

finding him to prove
that he is innocent.

You see? You see?

Just because
he's left his hotel.

You don't know why he left.
Maybe there's not enough hot water

or too much noise. Or maybe
anything, you don't know!

Relax, relax. Relax.
Okay. He didn't do it.

Well, if you tell me that you
really believe he didn't do it.

Okay, I believe it.

Thank you, Carlos. Thank you.

Oh, why did he do it?

JACQUELINE: This used to be
the peaceful Convent San Tanco,

untouched by
scandal of any kind.

FOMENTO: You will step
forward one at a time, please,

and give details
of your involvement

with Senor Reginald
Overton Perkins.

JACQUELINE: Meanwhile, in a
house on the outskirts of San Tanco...

(INAUDIBLE)

And in the skies over San Tanco

a heartbroken young
novice was calling...

Uncle Reggie!

Uncle Reggie!

Tune in next week to Part 2
of The Great Casino Robbery.