The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 14 - Sister Socko in San Tanco - full transcript

Convent orphan Michael Antonio idolizes his uncle, renowned magician and juggler Marko the Magnificient. Marko is coming to San Tanco to visit Michael, an opportunity Sister Bertrille ...

(BARKING)

JACQUELINE: A few
weeks ago, Sister Sixto and I

were taking advantage
of a bright, clear day

to dry some freshly
starched cornets.

Okay, pick a card, any card.

Oh, what's this all about?

Oh, one of my students
is a nut on magic.

He taught me a few tricks.

That must be Michael Antonio.

His uncle's a famous
magician. Right.

Okay, come on, pick a card.



Yeah. Okay.

Okay, look at it. Memorize it.

Put it back in the deck.

What deck?

Put it back with the rest
of the cards. Come on.

Okay. Now.

(MUMBLING)

This is your card, right?

Wrong. My card was
the eight of shovels.

Shovels? Oh, spades.

Right. The black
upside-down heart.

Take a tip from me, Sister,

don't get into any poker
games with strangers.

Oh. Oh.



It's getting away.
BERTRILLE: Oh, no.

The Reverend Mother's cornet.

Don't worry. I can still get it.

SIXTO: Attaboy!

Now that's what I call a trick.

JACQUELINE: Every night
at the Convent San Tanco,

Sister Bertrille made the
rounds of the dormitories

and read a bedtime
story to the children.

In Michael Antonio's dormitory,

the bedtime story frequently came
from an ancient copy of Variety.

"Marko socko act at Plantages.

"Last night at the
Plantages Theater,

"headliner Marko the Magnificent
wowed the opening-niters

"with his usual virtuoso
display of juggling and magic.

"The standing
ovation was a tribute

"to his show biz savvy
and seasoned talent."

Well, Michael, that's
a pretty good review.

My uncle is the best magician and
the best juggler in the whole world.

I didn't understand one word.

Oh, this is Variety. It's a
newspaper about show business.

It's their bible.

Then why isn't
there a cross on it?

Oh, well, it's not
that kind of a bible.

Okay, kids. Everybody
to bed. Come on.

♪ (SCATTING)

JACQUELINE: The next
day, two things happened.

The children's
prayers were answered

He's coming. My uncle's coming!

He's coming to visit me!

And the pipes to
the boiler burst.

These two unrelated events
conspired to catapult Sister Bertrille

into her brief, but meteoric
career in show business.

It's very simple, Reverend
Mother. We sell tickets at $1 each,

and the proceeds go
to pay for the new boiler.

And you think people will come?

Oh, of course they will.

Normally, they'd have
to pay a lot more than $1

to see a performer like
Marko the Magnificent.

Yes, he is an
extraordinary artist.

You've seen him before?

Yes, before I
entered the convent.

Oh, I didn't know he'd
been performing that long.

Yes. He and I began our
careers at about the same time.

Shortly after the Civil War.

I'm sorry, Sister,

but Marko has just completed a
strenuous tour and is exhausted.

I came here to rest
and to see Michael.

Well, it doesn't have to be a
big show, just a few simple tricks.

Marko does not do simple tricks.

Thank you.

What is that?

Oh.

Well, you see, some
of the kids made posters

and put them up all over town.

(STUTTERING)
I'm sorry, Mr. Marko.

Do you realize I
could report you

to the actors' union for that?

Actors' union? Hmm.

How would you like
the Convent San Tanco

to be put on the list of
sub-standard producers?

(MUMBLING)

Uncle Tony! Uncle Tony!

Michael.

(LAUGHING)

My boy.

How have you been?
I missed you, Uncle.

Do you know why
flies walk on the ceiling?

To take the weight
off their legs.

(EXCLAIMING)

Do you file your nails?

No. I just throw them away.

(CHUCKLING)

When Michael was very little,

his father, my brother, would
bring him to see Marko perform.

I think he liked the
comedians best.

That's not true. You
were always the best.

See?

My nephew is a
gentleman of excellent taste.

What is that?

We're building a
stage for your show.

We decided to have it outside so
we wouldn't have to turn people away.

Well, uh, Michael, I think
your uncle has decided

that he won't be
able to do the show.

But you've got to, Uncle.

We've sold tickets
and everything.

Sorry, my boy. It is
out of the question.

But why?

Well, for one thing, I don't
have my equipment with me.

Michael, you understand, I
have a reputation to protect.

But you could knock 'em dead with
just some juggling and card tricks.

Please, Uncle. Please.

I'll think about it.

I don't promise anything.

Just I'll think about it.

I'll show you your
room. It's right this way.

Pretty good billing,
huh, Uncle? Mmm.

Are there no other
artists on the bill?

No, Mr. Marko, just you.

That settles it. Marko
cannot possibly perform.

Why not? Marko always
goes on next to closing.

How can Marko go
on next to closing

if there are no supporting acts?

Don't be mad at him, Sister.

All great performers
are temperamental.

Oh, I'm not mad at him, Mike.

I'm just trying to figure out

how I can pick up two
supporting acts cheap.

Like for nothing.

The point is, if we don't get
some talent together soon,

we may never be able
to take a proper bath.

Well, I still don't see why
Mr. Marko is so reluctant to perform.

Neither do I.

Yeah, most performers
are big turkeys.

JACQUELINE: Ham, Sister.
They appear in turkeys.

They do?

He refuses to go on cold.

Hey, uh, don't forget to
wash behind your neck.

He insists that there be at
least two acts before him.

Well, I suppose the
children's choir could sing,

but that still leaves
us one act short.

I've been thinking.

You know, we weren't
born nuns. Hmm?

I bet this place is seething
with undiscovered talent.

I used to do the Highland fling.

Oh, well, that's nice, Sister,

but I don't think that
would exactly pack them in.

You haven't seen me do it.

"The boy stood on the burning
deck whence all but him had fled

"The flame that the battle's
wreck shone round o'er the dead"

Oh, yes. That, that...
that was, uh, lovely, Sister.

♪ (HARMONICA PLAYING)

I'm so out of
practice, you probably

don't even recognize
the tune even.

You're a little rusty.

No. Camptown Races.

No luck, huh? I tell you, Mike,

Ted Mack would starve
to death in this place.

You mean except
for Sister Jacqueline.

Our Sister Jacqueline?

Sure, she really swings.

Sister Teresa got sick one day,

and Sister Jacqueline
took choir practice.

She can really belt out a song.

Are you sure?

Sister, I may not be
too good at arithmetic,

but I know talent when I see it.

Uh, why didn't you tell me
you had such a great voice?

Well, because I don't.

Well, I can carry a tune and I'm
loud, but that's as far as it goes.

Well, that's far enough.
Consider yourself booked.

Oh... You and Sister
Jacqueline can form a quartet.

I think you mean duo,
Sister. No, quartet.

Sister Ana and Reverend
Mother sing like birds.

Well, you think the Reverend
Mother would perform for us?

Well, let me put
it this way. No.

Well, I guess that
leaves us with a trio.

Oh, I couldn't sing
in front of anyone.

I just couldn't.

Why not?

If people watch, I shake
all over when I sing.

Well, don't let that
worry you, Sister Ana.

It never hurt Elvis Presley.

A children's choir
and a trio of nuns?

But the people will be
coming to see you, Mr. Marko.

Yes, the others will just
be the icing on the bun.

Frosting on the cake, Sister.

Mr. Marko, you promised you'd
perform if we just got two other acts.

Uncle, you're not going to
back out on us now, are you?

Here you see three
metal rings, unattached.

Watch carefully as
Marko the Magnificent,

right before your eyes,
joins the three rings.

One, two, three,

and presto!

(RINGS CLANGING)

What did you wish to
see me about, Sisters?

We wanted to audition
for you, Reverend Mother.

Audition?

We formed a trio.

A trio?

Of what?

(THUMPING)

Singers.

It was the only way we could
get another act on the bill.

(THUDDING)

What was that?

It must have been
one of the kids jumping.

Naturally, we wanted to,
uh, get your permission.

I see.

Well, do you have a...
A name for your trio?

Well, I wanted to call
us the Three Penguins,

but Sister Jacqueline
said you wouldn't go for it.

Sister Jacqueline
was absolutely correct.

But, uh, I would
like to hear you sing.

Good. Ready, girls?

(CHATTERING)

Excuse me, but
what is that noise?

Sister Ana's teeth.

Your teeth?

Sister Ana's rather nervous,
but she sings beautifully.

Okay, girls. Give
it all you've got.

Well, I don't mind
a little criticism,

but I haven't even started yet.

Well, now you know. Know what?

Marko drops things.

But you're a juggler.

No more.

Sister, I haven't
performed in over two years.

Why not?

Arthritis?

Just enough to keep me from
even pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

What have you been
doing, Mr. Marko?

I had a job as a head waiter.

I was hoping I could
save enough money

to be able to make
a home for Michael.

I had such plans.

I was going to open a
magic shop here in San Juan.

Oh, wow, I'm sure
you'd do very well.

Your name still means
a lot around here.

Sister, I even had
trouble scraping together

enough money for my fare here.

Stupid, huh?

No, just human.

I think you better
cancel your show.

Well, that might
be a little tough.

Are you sure you couldn't
do just one little trick?

With these?

Sister, I'm no magician.

I thought and thought
about it all night long.

You come up with
anything? Just a headache.

Well, it's too late now to
send out any announcements.

I suppose we'll just have to

turn the people away
when they get here.

Whoo!

It's quite a breeze blowing up.

That's it! What is?

The breeze. The breeze is what?

The only way left to
get us some hot water.

Mr. Marko?

Mr. Marko?

What's this?

It's addressed to you.

He's gone.

"You can explain to
Michael much better than I.

"I will..." Where are you going?

It's too early for him
to have caught a cab.

I may still be
able to catch him.

Mr. Marko.

Mr. Marko. I'm up here.

Now, don't be afraid. Let me help
you up. Just give me your hand.

Don't be afraid, okay?
Now, you're all right.

(CHATTERING)

BERTRILLE AND CHILDREN
SINGING: ♪ Let's go marching ♪

♪ Miles today ♪

♪ Giving smiles away ♪

♪ Come to my parade ♪

♪ Everyone feels
swell and great ♪

♪ When they celebrate ♪

♪ Come to my parade ♪

♪ Follow me and I guarantee ♪

♪ You will have it made ♪

♪ Bring your drum along ♪

♪ Sing or hum along ♪

♪ Come along ♪

♪ To my parade ♪

My, what a simply
wonderful turnout.

You know, I... I
think there must be

twice as many people
as we expected.

Please, Reverend Mother.
Sister Ana's rather nervous.

Oh.

Are her teeth chattering again?

No.

I have a terrible feeling
they're locked together.

♪ Sing or hum along ♪

♪ Come along ♪

♪ To my parade ♪

(WHOOPING)

Sister, are you sure
this is going to work?

Oh, don't worry about a thing,
Mr. Marko. You'll be a smash.

All right, girls. Are
you ready? We're on.

Come on, Sister Ana.

Sister Ana, are you all right?

Sister Ana. Someone
get some water.

The kid's no trouper.

Just get some water, Mike.

Sister Ana, Sister Ana.

(GASPS)

The audience is waiting for you.

We rehearsed as a trio.

Well, Reverend Mother, I
guess this is your big chance.

Me?

Oh, Reverend Mother,
you're our only hope.

You must do it. You
must know the song.

We've rehearsed so many
times. Don't you know the words?

No.

But I will wing it.

♪ (PIANO PLAYING)

♪ Gonna build a mountain ♪

♪ From a little hill ♪

♪ Gonna build a mountain ♪

♪ Least I hope I will ♪

Would you please pick
up the tempo just a little?

♪ Gonna build a mountain ♪

♪ Gonna build it high ♪

♪ I don't know how
I'm gonna do it ♪

♪ Only know I'm gonna try ♪

♪ Gonna build a daydream ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Gonna
build a daydream ♪

♪ From a little hope ♪

♪ From a little hope ♪

♪ Gonna push that daydream ♪

♪ Gonna push that daydream ♪

♪ Up the mountain slope ♪

♪ Up the mountain slope ♪

ALL: ♪ Gonna build a daydream ♪

♪ Gonna see it through ♪

♪ Gonna build a
mountain and a daydream ♪

♪ Gonna make 'em
both come true ♪

♪ If I build my mountain ♪

♪ With a lot of care ♪

♪ And take my daydream
up the mountain ♪

♪ Heaven will be ♪

♪ Waiting there ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, the
moment you've been waiting for.

Marko the Magnificent!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Your tribute is
much appreciated.

Because today is a very
special day for Marko.

Today, Marko gives
his farewell performance.

In honor of this occasion,

Marko will perform
a feat of legerdemain

never before attempted
by any other magician.

I would like to dedicate
this, my final illusion,

to my nephew and best
friend, Michael Antonio.

In order to
accomplish this feat,

Marko will require an assistant.

Uh, could I have a volunteer
from the audience, please?

Sister Bertrille, will you
come on to the stage, please?

Thank you, Sister. Will
you stand right here?

Marko will elevate
Sister Bertrille

from the floor up into the sky!

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

Are you ready, Sister Bertrille?

One,

two,

three.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

That was a deception.

Reverend Mother, all
magic tricks are deception.

(SIGHING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

After she found out about Mr. Marko's
hands, she felt she had to do it.

That poor man.

Then you don't mind
Sister Bertrille helping him?

Well,

that's show business.

Well, we got a marvelous review
in Variety, Reverend Mother.

They must have sent a stringer
over because of Mr. Marko.

Listen. Oh, uh, Variety is
the show business paper.

Yes, I have heard of it.
Yes, okay. Uh, uh, here it is.

"The show was rounded
out by a trio of nuns

"who excelled in the
thrush department.

"The trio was led by the Mother
Superior of Convent San Tanco

"with a swinging style matched
by a boff set of vocal pipes."

Pretty good, huh?

Yes, it's, uh, very gratifying.

Thank you, Sister Bertrille.

You bet. Uh, yes.

Reverend Mother, I...

Just checking to make sure
they spelled our names correctly.