The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 10 - Slightly Hot Parking Meters - full transcript

(BARKING)

Good afternoon, Sister.

When did they get
the parking meters in?

Oh, this morning, under
my personal supervision.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

They will bring a great
source of revenue to this town.

As soon as the cement dries.

I'll see you later.

(STUTTERING) Sister Bertrille.

The meter. Oh, oh!

Oh, yeah.



I thought I had some pennies.

Kids, do you have any money?

Well, couldn't I have 45
seconds on the house?

I just have to run a
quick... I am sorry, Sister,

but there can be no
exceptions to the law. Well, um...

Is... is this meter like the
ones they have in the States?

Yes. As a matter of
fact, we bought them

from a bankrupt city in Florida

at a fraction of
their original cost.

I don't mind saying so
myself, but because of me,

this town has made
a shrewd investment.

I had to force this on
the Chief, you know.

Well, I've heard
that you're a genius

when it comes to money matters.



No, please, no.

Thank you very
much, but a genius?

No, no, no, no.

Exceptionally
clever, perhaps, yes.

Does this work on pennies?

Pennies and nickels?

When you put the penny in

and the little thing goes
over there to two hours...

No, you know... Now, I
remember at one time...

You do not seem to understand
the function of this thing. Yes.

No? Pennies and
nickels, of course, yes.

But you see, the
penny would not... No?

You put the penny here, and it's
only six minutes. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Oh, six! Yes.

Then when you put a nickel in
there, only when you put a nickel,

it is seven minutes.
Oh, yes, yes.

Yes, well, I'll see you later.

Oh, Sister Bertrille.

You forgot to put the...

(SIGHS)

I think you are clever
also in money matters, eh?

Very clever.

Rosa, would you hand me
the shopping list? I forgot it.

(HORN HONKING)

Shut it off!

Oh.

Hit the latch.

Sister, permit me. Permit...

Ah! There.

I don't think you will have
any more trouble with this horn.

I guess not.

Do not worry, huh?

I will go and get the
screwdriver and fix it personally.

Another public service of
the local police force, huh?

Where are the headlights?

We don't have any.

Since when?

Well, I think we lost them the
same time our muffler fell off.

A muffler I can
overlook, Sister,

but section 439 of
the Vehicle Code,

paragraph 3, subsection 4 states

that all cars must
have headlights.

Yes, when driven at night.

But we don't ever
drive this car at night.

That's not the point.

In case of an emergency...

Well, in an emergency we
call Carlos and borrow his car.

Sister Bertrille. Yes?

That emergency has arrived.

I'm going to impound your car.

Impounding the car?

Well, we need it to run errands

and pick up supplies
and take the kids places.

You can't impound our car.

Sister, I do not write the laws.

I am only here to enforce them.

And this is only
for your safety,

for the safety of the children,

for safety of everyone.

Couldn't you make just
one little exception, please?

There'll be no exception
in matters of the law.

You know, once I was forced,

I mean, really
forced to give a ticket

to someone for jaywalking.

And to this day, my own
grandmother has never forgiven me.

Well, who'd you give
the ticket to? Her?

No, my grandfather.

Her point was that
I should have been

more lenient because
of the wheelchair.

But the law is the
law. The law is the law.

Okay, kids, come
on. Everyone out.

We'll see if Carlos
can drive us back

to the convent after
we finish our shopping.

The car will be down
at the city garage, eh?

Good day, Sister.

Well, it was until now.

You kids wait here.
I'll be right back.

Hi, Carlos. I'm sorry,
Sister. I'm in a hurry.

Where are you going? To
put money in the parking meter.

That nincompoop
Fomento and his ideas.

He expects my customers to
leave in the middle of a hot roll

to put money in the meter.

What can I do for you,
Sister? Well, I thought perhaps

you could drive us
back to the convent,

but I guess I caught
you at a bad time, huh?

What happened to
your station wagon?

Fomento happened to it.

What? Well, he impounded it

'cause it didn't have
any headlights on it.

Oh!

That man is a complete idiot.

You must learn to
be tolerant of others.

With the way I feel about
him, that's to be tolerant.

Here, get some gas.

Okay.

Here are the keys. Thank you.

Bye. Bye.

I want you kids to be sure
and wipe off your feet carefully

before you get in Carlos' car.

Push that little
thing. Good, good.

Uh-oh. Somebody's
gonna get a ticket.

Thank you, Sister.

You just saved me
from getting a ticket.

Oh, my pleasure.

Uh, wait,

I would like to reward
you for your kindness.

Oh, well, that's not
necessary. I couldn't accept it.

Well, then, how about
a donation for the, uh...

Convent San Tanco.

Convent San Tanco.

Please accept
this with my thanks.

Really, I couldn't.

Well, I never heard of
a religious organization

that could not
accept a donation.

Well, thank you for
being so insistent.

$10?

Sir, you... you gave me $10.

He gave you $10?

For putting five
cents in the meter?

Yeah.

Hey, that's a terrific way to
make money for the convent.

Don't be silly.
We can't do that.

Why not? Like the man said,

it isn't a reward,
it's a donation.

Oh, that's the most
ridiculous thing.

It's the most... It is?

Ridiculous thing
I ever heard of.

If the Reverend Mother was
here, she would turn pinkies down.

Thumbs. That, too.

Well, that's what
I told the kids.

But it would be nice to have
some money to get a new car.

Is there no way of
fixing the station wagon?

The question is not
fixing, it's finding.

I don't know how I'm gonna find

a pair of headlights for
a 1947 whatchamacallit.

Couldn't we send
to Detroit for it?

The Smithsonian
Institute is in Washington.

Oh.

Well, we'll think of something.

How about this?

After putting a
nickel in the meter...

Yes? We could leave a note

on the windshield saying...

No, no.

No, no.

Well, I just thought I'd
give it the old convent try.

What did Sister Sixto say?

She said no dice.

Rosa. What?

Sister Sixto told Sister
Bertrille to forget it.

She didn't tell us.

But what is wrong for Sister
is wrong for us, too, no?

No, we are children.

We're expected to make
mistakes sometimes,

or else we wouldn't be normal.

Get it? I get it.

Look!

"Courtesy of the Sisters of
the Convent of San Tanco."

I wish to impress upon you

that interfering with the law

is as serious an offense
as breaking the law.

Well, I only put money
in a meter one time

to keep someone from
getting a ticket. Eh?

Would you mind
explaining this to me, Sister?

Sister Bertrille, can
you explain this?

"Courtesy of the Sisters
of the Convent San..."

Well, look how "Sisters" is
spelled, S-E-E-S-T-E-R-S.

It should be with two R's, no?

No.

I'll lay you eight to five I
know who's behind this.

Interference with the law

should be dealt with severely.

But they were just trying
to help out the convent.

Yes, Captain. We will
see that they are punished.

Severely.

I am a believer that the
punishment should fit the crime.

You enjoyed writing
the notes, huh?

Well, I'm going to give
you this pleasure, you know.

I want you to write
one hundred times,

"I will never interfere
with the law again."

And no carbon paper, please.

BOTH: Yes, Captain
Fomento. Good.

And remember, children,
the law is your friend.

So where's all the
money from the meters

you talked me into buying
from those two men?

Where's all the money you said
would flow into the city treasury?

Chief Galindo, I
cannot understand

what has happened
with the money.

But with my own eyes
I have seen people

putting money into the
meters and yet they are empty.

But I have developed a theory.

And what is that?

Someone's stealing.

I have news for you,
dear brother-in-law.

You are the master
of the obvious.

Thank you.

(KNOCKING)

FOMENTO: Come in.

Oh. Oh.

Sister Bertrille?

"I will not interfere with the
law." One hundred times.

Two, four, six, eight...

Well, I will count it later.

Going over today's loot?

Whatever there's left of it.

Someone has been
stealing from the meters.

Oh, that's too bad.
Captain, I was wondering

if you could unimpound our car.

But the question is,
who is that someone?

You see, we can't find
any headlights for it.

Is it possible we could
use two flashlights?

And how can that someone
open up the coin boxes?

With very strong batteries.

How can you open up the
coin boxes with batteries?

I'm talking about our car.

And I thought you were...

Oh, Sister Bertrille, please.
I have so much on my mind.

When you find the headlights,

then I will release the
station wagon and not before.

We can't find any
headlights old enough.

I thought maybe you
might have a suggestion.

Suggestion, suggestion.
Uh, search the roads.

They are cluttered
with abandoned cars.

Do you know why that is?

Because we are living in an
age of planned obsolescence.

Nothing will last
anymore, as it used to be.

Now, you take for instance
this cigarette lighter.

It came with a
lifetime guarantee.

And only after 20 years,
it doesn't work anymore.

Well, I'll try your suggestion.

I'm sorry you're having
bad luck with the meters.

Oh, don't worry, Sister.

They will not
escape my trappings.

(FOMENTO EXCLAIMING)
BERTRILLE: Oh!

The water! Come
on, quick, quick, quick!

The water!

(SHOUTS)

Strategy will be
simplicity in itself.

I mark the coins and then
we plant them in the meters.

Simplicity itself.

And then what happens?
And then what happens?

When the thief is
ready to steal them,

we will pounce on
them like gangbusters.

BERTRILLE: Smorgasbord!

Good evening,
Sister. Can I help you?

Yes, I'm looking for
some used headlights.

For what kind of a
car? A station wagon.

No. I mean, what year?

Oh, the motor, the
body or the chassis?

(CHUCKLING) Oh,
it's one of those?

Well, if we don't have it,
it has never been made.

Look around, Sister. I'll be
with you as soon as I finish

with a couple of
customers. Swell.

That wasn't a bad idea, keeping an
extra key to the meter boxes, huh?

(BOTH LAUGHING) It's like
getting a dividend every night.

(SHUSHING)

So, what do you say?

Well, as junk they're
worth four bucks.

Not junk, Senor. Surplus.

Left over from our
sale to San Tanco.

And do you know what the
town of San Tanco paid for them?

Then sell these
to San Tanco also.

Make it five.

$4.50. Okay. Okay.
You made a deal.

I hope you have change.

I only got a five.

Do we have change?

(BOTH SNICKERING)

5, 10, 25, 35, 40.

Fifty.

Gracias.

Help me with this and put
them in the corner, will you?

I think I found just what I
was looking for. Splendid.

Yes. They're just
like the ones that were

stolen off our car
about two years ago.

They are? Yes.

They couldn't be
the same headlights.

These were stolen
four years ago.

How much do you want for them?

Well, let's see. A
pair of hot headlights.

No charge, Sister.

Come on. I've got to
give you something.

I mean, you're in this
business to make money.

My pleasure. I'll give you $2.

Fifty cents. $1.50.

Seventy-five?

You drive a hard bargain. Sold.

Here you are. A dollar.

And twenty-five cents.

Okay. Thank you.

Thank you. Can you handle them?

Yeah. Okay.

Bye. Bye.

And not one coin has turned up?

I have looked there,
and I have looked here,

and no place have I
seen the marked coins.

They are not only
thieves, but misers also.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Oh, Sister Bertrille.

You got the headlights
for your car, eh?

Aren't they marvelous?

They're from a 1925 Deusenberg.

I think they'll work, don't you?

They transplant hearts.
Why not headlights?

Captain, you have
a sense of humor.

And you will find
that I am also warm,

understanding,
compassionate and busy.

What do you wish, Sister?

Well, the garage said
they wouldn't be able

to install these until tomorrow,

and I thought perhaps...

Well, I will try to use my
influence with the garage.

The owner is a dear
old friend of mine. Yes.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, Arturo, this is Gaspar. Yes.

I want you to do me a
little favor, which I would...

Gaspar. Yes.

I know it is late, but
could you possibly

repair the station wagon

that belongs to the convent?

I was telling the Sister
because of our old...

Gaspar.

Captain Gaspar Fomento
at the police station.

The same one who
last month gave you

a citation for violating
fire regulations,

and the same one who
will come over tomorrow

and investigate
sanitary facilities...

If you will fix up
the car right now,

pronto, eh? Splendid.

Adios, Arturo.

Oh, there's nothing like
dear old friends, huh?

Thank you very much, Captain.

Sister, there will be
a dime for the call.

No personal calls are
allowed from headquarters.

Thank you. I'll pray for you.

But fortunately,
there is no charge

for personal prayers
at the convent.

Goodbye. Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

Salazar!

Tell me I do not
see what I see, huh?

You do not see what you see.

I'm relieved.

How did she get the marked coin?

Bite your tongue if you are
suggesting that Sister is a thief.

Who said that?

The accusation was right
in your voice. I could tell.

I know that in the past
we have had differences

with the sisters, yes, but
this, but this is impossible.

Impossible. Impossible.

Follow her.

Watch it. Come on,
let's get out of here.

Sister Bertrille.

She's gone.

What is this?

Come on, come on.

With my own eyes I saw her.

The meter box was open,

and the nun was standing there.

Impossible.

Right. It was a little old man

and the meter box was closed.

The truth, Salazar.

It was the nun and the
meter box was open.

Salazar, what are you saying?

Not a word of
this to anyone, eh?

I cannot take the responsibility
of arresting a sister.

Now, Chief Galindo is
at the Casino Carlos, eh?

Well, I must go there
to consult with him.

You know, Salazar, old friend,

they do not make
nuns like they used to.

I should never have
permitted Fomento

to talk me into
buying those meters.

But what can I do now?

Well, I don't care
during the night

when you don't
have to put money in,

but during the daytime my
business fell off 50 percent. Sit down.

I might have to
board up the doors.

No, no, my friend. Before
I permit you to do that,

I will board up the meters.

I'll put "out of order"
signs on them.

Great. Rosita.

Champagne for the Chief.

Enjoy yourself.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

In our business, you can't
afford to be superstitious.

Okay. I did not
see a flying nun.

It's all in my head.

Just keep saying
that to yourself.

It's all in my head.

But I still wanna
blow this town.

It gives me the creeps.

Finish your drink
and we're on our way.

Just the two men
I've been looking for.

I do not have a vindictive
nature, gentlemen.

I'll make a deal with you.

A... A deal?

I'll sell you the meters for
half what I paid for them.

And as a bonus I'll
throw in the crook

who's been robbing
the meter boxes.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Chief Galindo, I must speak to
you. Good evening, gentlemen.

Chief, I have cracked the
case. May heaven forgive me,

you will not believe me what I'm
going to say, and neither will you.

I have found a material witness

who, with his own
eyes, has seen the theft.

This kills me to say this,
Chief, but the thief is...

You caught them.
You caught them.

I caught them? I caught
them? I caught who?

The robber meters. The
mobber reters. The bad guys.

What are you saying,
Sister Bertrille?

I saw these two taking
money out of the meter boxes.

The marked coins.

Ah-ha!

I got them...

Numbskull.

Oh! May heaven forgive
me, Sister Bertrille.

But you are under arrest.

Salazar, would you
stop fooling around?

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh...

Good morning, Sister.

The chapel is open for
prayer and forgiveness

from 2:00 to 4:00
every afternoon.

No, but I have come
to... I am sorry, Captain.

We are not on speaking terms.

No, but Sister, you...

You would not have to speak.

You would just have to nod.

Please? Huh, please?

I have come to inform you

that I have returned
the station wagon

with the headlights attached.

Also, a new battery,
a new muffler

and four whitewall tires,

courtesy of yours truly.

Oh, Captain, that
wasn't necessary.

Also, I haven't finished.

This is for you.

"To Sister Bertrille,
citizen of San Tanco.

"In commendation for
meritorious police work.

"Gratefully, Chief Galindo."

Oh, how sweet.

Sweet. I would give my life
for a piece of that parchment.

Well, can't win them all.

I will try to
remember that, too.

Yeah. Also, this.

"I will not accuse the
Sisters falsely again."

I wrote that 100 times.

You didn't have to do that.

Well, I did, if I wanted
my badge back.

Well, I will be going now.

Good day, Captain.
Welcome back on the force.

Thank you.

Sister Bertrille, tell me.

Will He never
cease to punish me?

I'll try and put a good
word in for you in vespers.

Thank you.