The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 2, Episode 1 - Song of Bertrille - full transcript

Sister Bertrille almost becomes a movie star after appearing on TV in a children's show starring a clown named 'Claudio' who is played by Paul Winchell. The episode is entitled 'My Sister, the Star' and it aired in 1967. The songs that Sister Bertrille sings in this episode is 'A Whole New World'[Music by Jack Keller/Lyrics by Bob Russell] and the other song she sings at the beginning of the episode is 'World Inside Your Pillow'[Music by Helen Miller/Lyrics by Howard Greenfield].

(BARKING)

JACQUELINE: Distance
lends enchantment.

And from a distance, the Convent
San Tanco was without a blemish.

But up close,

it was like trying to hide
the wrinkles of old age

with talcum powder.

It was like trying to
get blood from a turnip

and getting it.

It was like walking a tightrope

between the devil
and the deep blue sea.

(CREAKING)



Make that the devil
and the deep blue sky.

The good Lord works in
strange and mysterious ways.

If He does not give us the
wherewithal to repair the Convent,

He does give us the patience to
await His miracles in a cozy room.

MAN: (ON RADIO) And now that groovy
group who will be opening this weekend

at the Casino Carlos A Go
Go, Sonny and The Sundowners.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Oh, Sonny Howard.

Sonny and The Sundowners
right here in Puerto Rico.

How strange. I thought they
were right here in the Convent.

Sister Bertrille. What?

Would you please turn it off?

Reverend Mother, I went to
school with Sonny Howard.

He used to play the cello.



Obviously the cello lost.

What a talent.

Oh, wow, I'd sure love
to talk to him again.

I guess I could call Carlos.

Reverend Mother, you know the
old battery in our old station wagon

hasn't been revved
up in a long time

and you know what
happens when...

You know what,
Sister Bertrille? What?

I think that you should rev up

the old battery in
the old station wagon

right this minute

and, uh, give our
regards to your friend.

These are the seating
arrangements for the opening?

Oh, yeah.

Now, the mayor, you will
put here near the stage.

Near the stage? But I
thought you were friends.

We are. He's hard of hearing.

To him they will
sound like mariachis.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Hello, Carlos. Ramon.

(GROANS)

BERTRILLE: Am I
interrupting something?

When are you not interrupting?

Sister, sometimes your
interruptions are welcome.

But tonight is not sometimes.

This is the only night
of the week we're closed

and I need to catch
up with my work.

So good evening and Godspeed.

Well, then I'll ask Ramon.

I gave at the union.

I just wanted to
know where Sonny...

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) They're here.

Oh, Carlos, may I
please... CARLOS: No.

How can you say "no" before
you know what I'm going to ask?

Because I have mental telepathy.

The Convent needs money
and you're going to ask them

to appear at a benefit. Right?

Your mental telepathy
set needs repair.

I just want to say hello to him.

Oh, Sister, I know that it's very
difficult for you to remember sometimes,

but you are a novice,
not a teenybopper.

Sonny happens to be a
very old friend of mine.

SONNY: Carlos!

Hey, Carlos, Carlos, listen, we
blew one of our amps... Sonny.

Hi. Listen, one of
our... Sonny Howard.

Elsie? Elsie Ethrington?

How are you?

Sonny! I don't believe it!

What a groovy set of threads.

I'm with the Sisters
of San Tanco.

What a name for a
group. What do you play?

Folk? Rock? Acid?

Hymns mostly.

Oh, you're doing the
gospel circuit. Well, groovy.

Gee, you look tremendous.

Oh, thank you.
I don't believe it.

Sonny. What?

You are squeezing a nun.

A what?

A nun.

(STUTTERING) Really?

I'm a novice at the
Convent San Tanco.

You're putting me on.

Elsie Ethrington, a nun?

Well, don't make
it sound so terrible.

No, no, I didn't mean that.

It's just that...

Well, I never thought
religion was your bag.

Well, it is and
I'm really happy.

Well, if you're
doing your thing,

then it's beautiful,
uh, your nunship.

Oh, cut it out. Well, I
don't know what to call you.

I never hung out
with too many nuns.

Well, you call
me Sister Bertrille.

You see, we give up our old
names when we take up our new life.

Sister Bertrille, huh?

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, she sure made a bum
out of the editor of our yearbook.

She was voted
Miss Far Out of 1965.

Well, I have news for you.

She still holds the title.

Hey, come on, I want you
to meet The Sundowners.

Hey, gang.

I want you to meet one of
the grooviest chicks I know...

Uh, knew.

Elsie Ethrington
alias Sister Bertrille.

This is Don, Tony,
Eddie and Bobby.

Hi. Hi, Sister.

Hi. I enjoy your music.

You know, we used to go to school
together. She was a triple threat man.

No really. She wrote, produced
and starred in the senior varsity show,

and she was a freshman.

Groovy.

Yeah, I was a real show-off.

A real showstopper, you mean.

You should see this kid dance.

She had the
greatest pair of legs.

And sing. What a voice.

Loud, but not good.

Hey, you remember our duet
at the end of Act One? No.

Oh, sure you do. You
wrote it, dumb-dumb.

Give... Give me an E-Flat.

♪ Oh, promise Dad
that you will let him see ♪

Oh, yes.

BOTH: ♪ Straight A's in
Civics, Lit and History ♪

♪ For college is
expensive as you know ♪

♪ If you don't toe the
mark then out you go ♪

♪ Don't worry, Dad, I'll
burn the midnight oil ♪

(CHUCKLING) ♪ And crack those
books until my poor eyes spoil ♪

♪ But the old gray matter
ain't what it used to be ♪

♪ Ain't what it used to be
Ain't what it used to be ♪

♪ The old gray matter
ain't what it used to be ♪

♪ When we were young, Magee ♪

(BOTH SCATTING)

If the Pope ever
found out about her...

Who'd have the
heart to tell him?

Oh.

You know something, Sonny? What?

We were terrible. Yeah,
but in a rotten kind of way.

You're right. Rotten.

Well, I... I guess I'd better be
getting back to the Convent.

Goodbye, fellows. It
was nice meeting you.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

What a shame. All that
talent down the drain.

Oh, I wouldn't
exactly put it that way.

I still write songs every
now and then for my kids.

Your what? My kids.

We have an orphanage
at the Convent.

An orphanage? That
sounds like laughs.

Hey, how long you in for?

For life, if I'm lucky.

That convent must
really have something.

It has everything,
including poverty.

Oh, that's a shame.

Oh, well, it keeps us
from getting fat and sassy.

Hey, wait a minute.

I just got the wildest idea.

Why don't you
write a song for me?

What? Oh, for the group.

Our last album was a
million-seller, you know.

And you'll get a royalty and
you can give it to the convent.

What do you say? You write
a song for us and we'll use it.

Honest?

Would I lie to a nun?

I'll even give you an advance.

What if you don't like it?

Well, then I deduct you
as a charitable contribution.

It's a deal.

JACQUELINE: The question
on the floor the next morning was,

would the Reverend Mother
approve of Sister Bertrille

writing a song for
The Sundowners?

We voted to relieve
her of that decision

by not telling her.

It was further decided that
because time was of the essence,

Sister Bertrille would be
relieved of all her chores

so that she could
concentrate on her composing.

So while Sister Bertrille
worked on her song,

Sister Ana did her sweeping,

Sister Carlotta
did her teaching,

and I did her praying.

That's gravy.

Groovy.

Groovy? Okay.

There's groovy on your
roast beef. I hope you like it.

I'm not hungry.

It's a sin to starve
your stomach

because your head
is filled with music.

That's just it. My
head is starved, too.

Mmm.

Well, I'm glad you're
taking some nourishment.

How many nails did
you have for lunch today?

Oh, they're fine. Instead of
giving me a little sympathy,

all you do is give me...

Hmm.

Mmm.

This cold consomme is delicious.

This cold consomme
used to be hot tea.

You know what my
problem is? What?

No talent.

I refuse to believe that.

You've written beautiful
songs for the children.

Yes, but I wasn't
being paid for them.

The minute money's
involved, I... I choke up.

It happens to baseball
players all the time

the minute they go
into the big leagues.

It's not going to happen to you.

The good Lord has
helped you out before.

I... I... I like it.

What was it I did?
I did this one...

It sounds familiar.

♪ Way down upon
the Swanee River ♪

Swanee River.
Thanks a lot. I give up.

Listen, I think you've been
cooped up in this room too long.

A walk would do you good.

How about a short flight?

There's a lovely breeze blowing.

Roger and over.

(GULLS SQUAWKING)

BERTRILLE: The
golden glint of sunlight

bathes the particles of sand

and a myriad of
patterns are designed.

Eyes on tomorrow and
my hand on yesterday,

the whole panorama
is my looking glass.

In reverie, I... I watch the
changing colors of the waves.

♪ Break upon the idle
seashore of my mind ♪

♪ I harken to the thunder ♪

♪ of the trailing of a leaf ♪

♪ As it heralds the
awakening of love ♪

♪ And, oh, what
miracles abound ♪

♪ Out in a whole new world ♪

♪ I found ♪

Boy, that really blows
my mind. It does?

Yeah. Is that good or bad?

Well, that means you flipped me.

It's not really
your style, right?

Well, that's the easiest
thing in the world to fix.

We just, uh, upbeat the tempo,

change a few
words here and there

and it's right in our bag.

Oh, I can't believe it.

Well, you'll believe
it when you hear it.

And you'll hear
it tomorrow night.

I want you and the girls...

Sisters to be my
guests. Is it okay?

Well, I don't know if the
Reverend Mother will permit it.

Do you want me to ask her? I
get along great with mothers.

She's not your average
mother. I'll have to break it to her.

I hope I see you soon. Okay.

Bye. I'll be expecting you.

Man, you've got to be kidding.

May I remind you
that White Christmas

was a loser till we
gave it a little gas?

Come on, let's go to work.

Reverend Mother, I have
a confession to make.

Father Gonzago will be
here at the regular time.

No, it's not that
kind of confession.

Well, actually, it is.

But I... I wouldn't have done it
except that we really can use the bread.

I... I mean, money.

I... I mean, the
roads need repair,

and the... and the
walls need painting,

and Pepe needs another
catcher's mitt and...

Sister Bertrille. Yes?

Please, do not keep
me in suspense.

How did he like your song?

Oh, he loved it and...

You knew?

Senor Ramirez called and asked

if the reservations would
be for five people or six.

And what did you say?

I said, the more
the merrier, seven.

Then you're... you're not angry
with me, Reverend Mother?

Of course, I am angry with you.

If you had confided in me,
perhaps I could have helped.

After all, I have written a
sonnet or two in my day.

Oh, I will next time. I will.

Thank you.

Oh, I am looking forward to
it very much tomorrow night.

Oh, me, too. Oh, it's
going to be so exciting.

My song in front of
a real live audience.

Oh, and you're going to be there

and all the sisters
are going to be there

and, oh golly, I haven't
got a thing to wear.

I beg your pardon?

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Thank you.

Salt and a nun and
your fortune is won.

Senor, are you certain...

I never took my
eyes off the bartender.

They are pure Shirley Temples.

Thank you.

Please, Julius. The nuns.

What do you care?
You're Episcopalian.

Is everything satisfactory,
Reverend Mother?

Oh, yes, indeed.

Sisters? Thank you.

I would like you to meet the
Sisters of the Convent San Tanco

and the Reverend Mother.

This is Manny Julian, the
manager of The Sundowners.

How do you do? How do you do?

Mr. Julian just flew in from
New York. How exciting.

MANNY: Oh, just business.

You know, I only have
two clients in my stable

and they're just like children.

Wherever they go, they
want their papa with them.

Well, Mr. Julian, it, uh, it
seems that in some respect

your work is not unlike mine.

Right, right, right. After all,
what are we but shepherds trying

to keep our little sheep
from going astray?

Oh, by the way, which one of
these little sheep wrote the song?

Guilty.

Congratulations, Sister.

You know, if this song is the
winner that Sonny says it is,

we might do a whole album.

Get Bishop Sheen to write a
little something for the cover.

Well, see you later.

Oh, excuse me. Show time.

Yes, please.

That's the no-smoking section.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

My friends, welcome to
Casino Carlos A Go Go.

The act that I'm about to
present needs no introduction.

But their first song does.

Because it was especially written
for them by our own Sister Bertrille.

Now, let's have a very
nice round of applause

for Sister Bertrille.

And now, The Sundowners.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ The golden glint of sunlight ♪

♪ bathes the particles of sand ♪

♪ And a myriad of
patterns are designed ♪

♪ Turn on! ♪

♪ In reverie, I watch the
changing colors of the waves ♪

♪ break upon the idle
seashore of my mind ♪

♪ Higher than high ♪

ALL: ♪ It's a whole
new world I see ♪

♪ It's a whole
new world for me ♪

♪ And as I take a trip
along the corridors of time ♪

♪ Where the winding halls
are carpeted with grass ♪

♪ Grow your own! ♪

♪ My eye is on tomorrow
and my hand on yesterday ♪

♪ The whole panorama
is my looking glass ♪

ALL: ♪ I'm everyone
and everywhere ♪

♪ And it's a whole
new world out there ♪

♪ A mind blower ♪

♪ On my odyssey the
fabric of the infinite ♪

♪ Unfolds free of mushroom
clouds that sear the sky above ♪

♪ Magic mushrooms ♪

ALL: ♪ Oh, what
miracles abound ♪

♪ Out in the whole
new world I found ♪

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Sister Bertrille,

I am aware of the
generation gap between us

but I, uh, didn't think
that it was quite that wide.

Now, I know that you were
trying to write a commercial song

but to cater to unhealthy...

Reverend Mother,
you don't understand.

Sister Bertrille, although the
Holy Book is my favorite reading,

I do occasionally
dip into newspapers

and I do understand some
of the disturbing elements

of the youth of today.

All I did was write
a simple song.

A simple song
about "turning on,"

"mind blowing,"

"grass that doesn't
need mowing"?

What I'm trying to tell you is,

I wrote an innocent song

that somehow lost
something in the translation.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yes.

Visitors.

Carlos, Sonny and Mr. Julian.

Sister Bertrille, do you
wish to speak with them?

You bet I do.

Come in, please.

Oh, Reverend Mother,
why did you leave so soon?

The audience loved Sister
Bertrille's song so much,

they demanded three encores.

Once was enough for
us, thank you, senor.

Maybe the Reverend Mother
doesn't dig modern music, Carlos.

On the contrary, I
dig it exceedingly.

Oh, well, groovy.

Jerome Kern is one of
my favorite composers.

Well, I don't blame you.

In the olden days, he
was one of the greatest.

Yes, but this is the new
generation, God bless them.

And while I don't always
agree with everything they sing,

I, like Voltaire once said,
will defend their right to sing it.

Reverend Mother, here's the
standard ASCAP royalty agreement

with a check for
$500 in advance.

Use it in good health.

Sister Bertrille.

I'm sorry, Sonny, I can't accept
this for something I didn't write.

Is she wigging out?

Mr. Howard, if that
means, "Is she upset,"

yes, I think she is.

But why? She's a hit.

Carlos, I wrote a simple song

and Sonny turned it into
something that it wasn't.

But that's where it's at.

But, Sonny, that's
not where I'm at.

If I may interpose a
word here, so to speak.

Reverend Mother, you've
got a nice little convent here

and I'd be the last person in
the world to give it a bad name.

But maybe she's right.
Maybe his version...

Mr. Julian,

I would prefer to forget
the whole incident.

I don't think you'll be able
to forget it, Reverend Mother,

unless you hear the song the
way it was meant to be heard.

♪ The golden glint of sunlight ♪

♪ bathes the particles of sand ♪

♪ And a myriad of patterns ♪

♪ are designed ♪

♪ In reverie, I watch
the changing colors ♪

♪ of the waves break upon ♪

♪ the idle seashore of my mind ♪

ALL: ♪ And it's a
whole new world I see ♪

♪ Oh, yes, a whole
new world for me ♪

♪ And as I take a trip along ♪

♪ the corridors of time ♪

♪ Where the winding halls
are carpeted with grass ♪

♪ My eye is on tomorrow ♪

♪ And my hand on yesterday ♪

♪ The whole panorama ♪

♪ is my looking glass ♪

ALL: ♪ I'm everyone
and everywhere ♪

♪ And it's a whole
new world out there ♪

♪ On my odyssey ♪

♪ the fabric of the
infinite unfolds ♪

♪ Free of mushroom clouds
that sear the sky above ♪

♪ I harken to the thunder ♪

♪ of the trailing of a leaf ♪

♪ As it heralds the
awakening of love ♪

♪ And, oh, what miracles ♪

♪ abound ♪

♪ Out in a whole new world ♪

♪ I found ♪

You!

What did I do?

What did you do?
You gilded a lily.

You put a moustache on the
Mona Lisa. That's what you did.

No, he didn't, Mr. Julian.

He... He just put
it in his groove.

There are some works of
art you don't fool around with.

That's right. Like Ave Maria

or The Battle Hymn
of the Republic

or White Christmas.

This song is going
to be recorded

the way it was
meant to be recorded.

But, Manny, I
can't do it like that.

Who asked you to?

I do have another
client, you know.

The Salt Lake City Boys' Choir.

Sister Bertrille.

Hello.

What are you doing up there?

Oh, just fooling around,
trying to get some inspiration.

For a song?

I thought it would be nice if
the Salt Lake City Boys' Choir

could have something
for the flip side.