The Flying Nun (1967–1970): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Patron of Santa Thomasina - full transcript

Santa Thomasina is a small remote village in the hills overlooking San Juan. In reality, it is not one but two villages, since the inhabitants of both have been feuding for years as to which has the rightful claim to being 'the' Santa Thomasina. Sister Bertrille and Sister Jacqueline are caught within the feud when they are invited by one of the communities, but end up in the other. Manifestation of the feud includes stealing pigs and stealing the statue of Saint Thomasina, the matron saint of the villages. The residents of the one Santa Thomasina's sees Sister Bertrille fly, thinking she the reincarnation of their beloved matron Saint, and who they believe will lead them to victory in battle against the other village. Despite Sister Bertrille's urgings against doing so, the villagers go to the fork in the trail to battle the rapers and pillagers from the other village, whom they portray as well armed guerrillas. In reality, the 'army' of the other Santa Thomasina are similarly just villagers armed with shovels and brooms as weapons. In the midst of battle, Sister Bertrille first thinks that a drastic measure is required to show them how futile their battle is: she threatens to chop the statue in half to give to each village. When they shudder at the thought, the villagers accept Sister Bertrille's more practical second suggestion of keeping the statue at the fork of the trail and to name the respective communities East Santa Thomasina and West Santa Thomasina. They have achieved peace.

[whimpering]

(Jacqueline) SANTA TOMASINA
IS A REMOTE LITTLE VILLAGE

IN THE MOUNTAINS ABOVE SAN JUAN.

ITS INHABITANTS,
ALTHOUGH A PRIMITIVE LOT,

ARE PRIDEFUL, STUBBORN,

AND OCCASIONALLY QUITE CRAFTY.

(both) VIVA SANTA
TOMASINA! SHH, SHH.

[all whispering] VIVA
SANTA TOMASINA!

♪ OH, I GOT A MULE,
HER NAME IS SAL ♪

♪ 15 MILES ON THE ERIE CANAL ♪

♪ SHE'S A GOOD OLD WORKER ♪



C'MON MULE.

♪ AND A GOOD OLD PAL ♪

♪ 15 MILES ON THE ERIE CANAL ♪

(Jacqueline) TO REACH
SANTA TOMASINA,

ONE MUST HAVE STAMINA, PURPOSE,

AND JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE,

AN INVITATION.

SISTER BERTRILLE AND I LEFT
SAN JUAN ARMED WITH ALL 3,

OR SO WE THOUGHT.

♪ LOW BRIDGE, EVERYBODY DOWN ♪

♪ LOW BRIDGE 'CAUSE
WE'RE COMING TO A... ♪

C'MON, WHOA.

[donkey braying] WHOA, WHOA.

[groans]



YOUR TURN TO RIDE.

OH, THAT'S OK. I'M NOT TIRED.

NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I PREFER TO WALK.

YOU KNOW, SAINT THERESA WANDERED
ALL OVER SPAIN IN HER BARE FEET.

[groans]

NOW I KNOW WHY
THEY MADE HER A SAINT.

[birds cawing]

[birds chirping]

OH, WELL.

BIG WELCOMING COMMITTEES
EMBARRASS ME ANYWAY.

HOW COULD THEY HAVE WELCOMED US?

THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHEN WE WERE COMING.

WOO-HOO! ANYONE HOME?

THERE'S SOMEBODY.

ONE OF OUR FUTURE PUPILS
FROM THE LOOK OF HIM.

HOLA, MUCHACHO.

(woman) 10 TIMES A DAY...

PAPACITO, THERE IS 2 GREAT
BIRDS AT THE EDGE OF THE VILLAGE.

[woman yelling] COME SEE.

SILENCIO, JUANITO. DO YOU NOT
SEE THAT SENOR DIEGO IS HURT?

BUT, PAPACITO, THEY
ARE AS BIG AS YOU.

JUANITO, I TOLD YOU...

HELLO, UH,

I'M SISTER BERTRILLE AND
THIS IS SISTER JACQUELINE.

HELLO.

WE'RE FROM THE CONVENT
SAN TANCO IN SAN JUAN.

YES, WE WERE INVITED
HERE BY YOUR HEADMAN,

UH, SENOR CARACOL.

[people chattering]
PEDRO CARACOL?

YOU DARE TO MENTION THAT NAME

WHEN MY HUSBAND, THE FOOL
THAT HE IS, IS LYING ON THE GROUND?

I SPIT ON PEDRO CARACOL.

QUIET, WOMAN.

CAN YOU NOT SEE
THESE ARE HOLY SISTERS?

GO TEND YOUR HUSBAND.

FORGIVE HER.

HER FAMILY HAVE JUST
SUFFERED A TERRIBLE LOSS.

WHAT DO YOU WISH WITH US?

IS SOMEONE HURT?

PERHAPS I CAN HELP.

AH, THE BUMP ON HIS HEAD
WILL HEAL WITHOUT A NURSE.

BUT WHAT OF GORDO?

HOW CAN WE LIVE WITHOUT GORDO?

WHO'S GORDO?

[crying] THEIR PIG.

HE WAS STOLEN ABOUT AN
HOUR AGO BY PEDRO CARACOL,

MAY HE CHOKE ON THE MEAT.

I... I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I... I THOUGHT PEDRO CARACOL
WAS THE HEAD OF THIS VILLAGE.

ISN'T THIS SANTA TOMASINA?

THE OTHER SISTER WILL REMAIN
WITH DIEGO. YOU WILL COME WITH US.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. IF
WE'RE IN THE WRONG PLACE...

(Francisco) THIS WAY, SISTER.

ONWARD AND UPWARD.

[people muttering]

[water running]

THE CHURCH OF THE MOST
HOLY PATRON OF OUR VILLAGE,

SAINT TOMASINA.

BUT, SENOR... FRANCISCO.

OK, FRANCISCO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
GOING ON HERE,

BUT ABOUT 3 WEEKS AGO, A
MAN CAME TO OUR CONVENT.

HE SAID HIS NAME
WAS PEDRO CARACOL

AND THAT HE WAS THE HEADMAN
OF THE VILLAGE OF SANTA TOMASINA,

AND HE INVITED US TO
SPEND A WEEK THERE

AND TELL HIS PEOPLE
ABOUT OUR CONVENT SCHOOL.

NOW I UNDERSTAND.

YOU DO?

IT IS A MIRACLE.

OUR MOST HOLY PATRON
HAS GUIDED YOUR STEPS.

SISTER, IF SHE HAD NOT
BEEN WATCHING OVER YOU,

YOU WOULD NOW BE IN A NEST OF

DESPERATE BANDITOS.

BANDITOS? IN THIS DAY AND AGE?

[laughs]

WELL, THAT'S JUST
THE POINT, SISTER.

YOU SEE, THESE PEOPLE ARE
LIVING IN THE LAST CENTURY.

THERE'S NO ELECTRICITY
OR RUNNING WATER,

AND THEY LIVE IN CONSTANT FEAR OF BEING
ATTACKED BY BANDITS LIKE PEDRO CARACOL.

OH, SISTER
BERTRILLE, WE MET HIM.

NOW, DID HE LOOK
LIKE A BANDIT TO YOU?

WELL, HE WASN'T WEARING CROSSED
BANDILEROS, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.

BUT FRANCISCO TOLD ME
THAT PEDRO AND HIS MEN

HAVE BEEN PREYING ON
THIS VILLAGE FOR YEARS.

WELL, IF PEDRO CARACOL IS A... IS A
LEADER OF A BAND OF DESPERADOS,

WHY DID HE INVITE US TO
SPEND A WEEK IN HIS VILLAGE?

MAYBE FOR THE GIFTS WE'D
BRING, OR THE MEDICAL SUPPLIES,

O-OR THE BURROS,

OR MAYBE TO HOLD US FOR RANSOM.

OH, IF HE WANTED TO
LURE US TO HIS VILLAGE,

WHY DID HE TELL US HE WAS
HEADMAN OF SANTA TOMASINA

AND LET US BLUNDER IN HERE?

WELL, REMEMBER THAT
SIGN DOWN THE TRAIL? YES.

WELL, FRANCISCO TOLD
ME UNTIL THIS AFTERNOON

THAT SIGN POINTED
TOWARDS PEDRO'S VILLAGE.

AND FRANCISCO FOUND OUT ABOUT IT

AND SWITCHED IT JUST
BEFORE WE GOT HERE.

IT'S KIND OF A RUNNING
BATTLE THEY HAVE.

WELL, THAT'S FINE.

ONLY, I STILL DON'T BELIEVE IT.

WELL, THERE'S ONE
WAY TO FIND OUT.

I'M GOING TO PEDRO
CARACOL'S VILLAGE.

SISTER BERTRILLE,

THIS MAY COME AS A SHOCK TO YOU,

BUT YOU ARE A NOVICE AT
THE CONVENT SAN TANCO,

NOT A BATTALION OF FEDERALES.

BUT I HAVE ONE THING THE
FEDERALES DIDN'T HAVE.

WHAT? AIR POWER.

OH.

[sighs] OH.

[crickets chirping]

(man) FRANCISCO?
FRANCISCO, WHERE ARE YOU?

[men shouting]

SISTER, YOU MUST REMAIN INSIDE.

IT IS NOT SAFE OUTSIDE.

WELL, WHAT IS IT? WHAT'S
HAPPENING? WHO'S HERE?

PEDRO CARACOL AND
HIS MEN. IT IS A RAID.

W-WHERE... WHERE
IS SISTER BERTRILLE?

WELL, SHE... SHE WENT OUT.

OUT? WITH THOSE BANDITOS AROUND?

[speaking Spanish]

(man) FRANCISCO. THEY'RE
ATTACKING THE CHURCH.

THE CHURCH? VILLAINS!

DO NOT WORRY ABOUT
SISTER BERTRILLE.

SANTA TOMASINA WILL PROTECT HER.

(Francisco) COURAGE,
MEN OF SANTA TOMASINA,

[men hollering]
COURAGE. I AM COMING.

AND I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT.

[exclaims]

I GUESS FRANCISCO
WAS TELLING THE TRUTH.

[wind blowing]

(man #1) SHE IS RIGHT,
FRANCISCO. WE ARE BEATEN.

(man #2) HOW CAN WE FIGHT NOW?

NOW MORE THAN EVER.

FOR THE HONOR OF OUR VILLAGE

AND FOR OUR HOLY SAINT.

SENOR DIEGO, HOW
ARE YOU FEELING?

I THOUGHT YOUR PIG WAS
STOLEN THIS AFTERNOON.

[pig squealing] SISTER,
WE GOT HIM BACK.

YES, BUT THERE ARE 2 OF THEM.
WHERE DID HE GET THE OTHER ONE?

OH, THANK HEAVEN
YOU ARE ALL RIGHT.

SISTER BERTRILLE,
SHE'S NOT YET RETURNED?

UH, NO, NOT YET.

WE... WE WILL PRAY
FOR HER SAFETY.

UH... UH, YES. THANK YOU.

UH, SENOR FRANCISCO,
WHERE DID THIS MAN GET 2 PIGS?

IS IT NOT WONDERFUL?

EARLY THIS EVENING,
INJURED AS HE WAS,

DIEGO RISK HIS LIFE

TO RESCUE HIS BELOVED
GORDO FROM THOSE DEVILS.

OH, YES, BUT WHERE DID
HE GET THE OTHER ONE?

FRANCISCO, HOW CAN YOU
WORRY ABOUT PIGS NOW?

SHE IS RIGHT, SISTER.

A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY HAS
BEFALLEN OUR VILLAGE.

OH, WHAT HAPPENED? WAS
SOMEONE HURT IN THE RAID?

WORSE, SISTER, MUCH WORSE.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT VILLAINY

PEDRO CARACOL AND HIS
CRIMINALS ARE CAPABLE OF,

COME WITH ME.

(Francisco) THERE.

THEY HAVE STOLEN SAINT TOMASINA,

THE MOST HOLY
PATRON OF OUR VILLAGE.

OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

FOR LONGER THAN
ANYONE CAN REMEMBER,

SAINT TOMASINA
WAS IN THIS CHURCH.

OH.

SHE IS THE SYMBOL
OF OUR VILLAGE,

OF... OF OUR SPIRITUAL IDENTITY.

WITHOUT HER, WE ARE LOST,

WE ARE BEATEN.

LOOK!

UH-OH. WHAT ARE THEY DOING UP?

IT IS A MIRACLE.

(all) A MIRACLE.

OH, NO, HOLD ON. WAIT
A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

UH, YOU'VE MADE A MISTAKE.

I HOPE THEY'LL BE ABLE TO
UNDERSTAND LIFT VERSUS DRAG.

COME, MY FRIENDS,

LET US WELCOME
OUR BELOVED SAINT.

BY A MIRACLE, SHE HAS
RETURNED TO US IN BODILY FORM.

YOU MUST ASK HER TO FORGIVE US FOR
NOT HAVING RECOGNIZED HER BEFORE.

SAINT TOMASINA WILL LEAD US
AGAINST THE ENEMY IN PERSON.

VIVA SAINT TOMASINA!

[all chanting] VIVA
SAINT TOMASINA!

VIVA SAINT TOMASINA!

VIVA SAINT TOMASINA!

VIVA SAINT TOMASINA!

OH, BROTHER.

[people chattering]

DON'T PUSH, SENORAS.

EVERYONE WILL GET A
CHANCE TO SEE THE SAINT.

WELL, HOW DOES IT FEEL
TO BE A MODERN MIRACLE?

AWFUL.

WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE
SO WE CAN TELL THE AUTHORITIES

BACK IN SAN JUAN
ABOUT PEDRO CARACOL.

WELL, I'M FOR THE FIRST PART,

BUT WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO TELL THEM?

ALL YOU SAW WAS ANOTHER
VILLAGE WITH EVERYONE ASLEEP.

WELL, BANDITOS
HAVE TO SLEEP, TOO.

AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE
NEW SIGN AT THE FORK OF THE ROAD

CONCLUSIVELY POINTING
TOWARDS PEDRO'S VILLAGE.

WELL, WHAT DOES THAT PROVE?

THAT FRANCISCO WAS
TELLING THE TRUTH.

LET'S GO.

SISTER, THEY THINK
YOU'RE THEIR PATRON SAINT.

YOU THINK THEY'RE
GOING TO LET YOU GO?

WE CAN TRY.

WHERE IS THE SAINT GOING?

[pig grunts]

JUANITO, WILL YOU PLEASE TELL
THESE PEOPLE I AM NOT A SAINT?

PERHAPS SHE IS GOING
TO FLY TO HEAVEN

TO TELL THE ANGELS OF THE
GOOD PEOPLE OF OUR VILLAGE.

NOT BEFORE SHE BLESSES MY PIG.

YOU WANT ME TO BLESS YOUR PIG?

SI, TELL THE SAINT THAT
GORDO IS FROM THIS VILLAGE,

SO HE DOESN'T NEED THE BLESSING.

BUT FRANCESCA
HERE IS A FOREIGN PIG.

[pig grunting]

WELL I'M... I'M SORRY, BUT
I CAN'T BLESS YOUR PIG,

I CAN'T BLESS ANYTHING.

NOW, WON'T YOU PLEASE LEAVE?

YOU TOO, JUANITO.

SHE TOOK VALDEZ'S MANGOES.

WHY COULDN'T SHE
BLESS MY PIG NOW?

THE SAINT IS VERY TIRED.

WE WILL COME BACK LATER
FOR FRANCESCA'S BLESSING.

[trumpet blows]

WHAT'S THAT, ANOTHER RAID?

LOOK, SISTER, LOOK.

IT IS THE ARMY OF
SANTA TOMASINA.

DIEGO, YOU'RE OUT OF STEP.

(Francisco) TALLY... HO!

LEFT FACE!

INFORM THE BELOVED SAINT

HER ARMY IS READY FOR REVIEW.

MY ARMY?

FRANCISCO, WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

TELL THE BELOVED SAINT WE HAVE
WAITED TOO LONG FOR THIS DAY.

FOR TOO LONG

HAVE THE VILLAINS AND
BANDITOS OF PEDRO CARACOL

PREYED UPON OUR POOR VILLAGE.

FOR TOO LONG HAVE WE
STOOD IN FEAR OF THEM.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE,
FELLAS... THE BLESSING,

WE ARE READY FOR THE BLESSING.

WE SHALL RISE UP
IN OUR HOLY ARMOR,

PROTECTED FROM OUR ENEMIES,

AND WITH THE HOLY
SAINT HERSELF TO LEAD US,

WE WILL DESTROY THE
ARMY OF PEDRO CARACOL.

[all cheering]

GOODBYE, SAINT TOMASINA,
HELLO, JOAN OF ARC.

NOT YET, NOT YET.

WE HAVE NOT RECEIVED
THE BLESSING YET.

AND I'M NOT GOING TO.

I... I MEAN, SHE'S NOT,

I MEAN, I AM SISTER BERTRILLE
FROM THE CONVENT SAN TANCO

AND I CAN'T BLESS ANYONE.

YOU SEE, MY PEOPLE?

HOW MODEST THE SAINTS ARE.

THEY DO NOT KNOW
THEIR OWN HOLINESS.

FORGET IT, SISTER.

HE HAS AN ANSWER FOR EVERYTHING.

LOOK, EVEN IF I
WERE SAINT TOMASINA,

I WOULDN'T LEAD YOU INTO BATTLE.

ASK... ASK THE BELOVED
SAINT WHY NOT?

OUR... OUR CAUSE IS JUST.

HE WANTS TO KNOW...
I KNOW. I HEARD HIM.

BECAUSE, UM,

UH, BECAUSE THE SAINTS
ARE PEOPLE OF PEACE.

OH, NO, NOT... NOT
SAINT TOMASINA.

SHE IS A WARRIOR SAINT.

SO MUCH FOR THAT APPROACH.

UH, LOOK,

YOU SAY PEDRO CARACOL AND
HIS MEN ARE BANDITOS, RIGHT?

SI.

WELL, THEN THEY MUST
BE WELL ARMED WITH GUNS.

AND THERE'S ONLY A FEW OF YOU,

AND YOU'VE GOT
NOTHING BUT STICKS,

AND... AND... AND SHOVELS
AND A FEW MACHETES.

WHY, YOU'D BE CLOBBERED.

W... W... W... W... WHAT...
WHAT IS THIS CLOBBERED?

OH, BEATEN.

BEATEN?

THE... THE MEN OF
SANTA TOMASINA?

NEVER.

WE ARE NOT AFRAID.
WE ARE STRONG.

AND WITH SAINT TOMASINA
HERSELF TO LEAD US,

WE ARE INVINCIBLE.

[all cheering]

[sighs]

I AM NOT SAINT TOMASINA.
I AM SISTER BERTRILLE.

NOW YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME.

[men cheering]

ALL THE WOMEN ARE IN THE CHURCH,

BUT I DON'T SEE ANY OF THE MEN.

THEY'RE PROBABLY
HOLDING A COUNCIL OF WAR.

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO
CONVINCE YOU TO PLAY JOAN OF ARC.

LISTEN, LET'S GO WHILE
THE GETTING'S GOOD.

I DON'T KNOW. I
SUPPOSE IT'S SILLY,

BUT, I FEEL KIND OF GUILTY,
LIKE I'M DESERTING THEM.

SISTER, ON THE WAY HOME I
WANT YOU TO REPEAT TO YOURSELF,

"I AM NOT SAINT TOMASINA,
I AM NOT SAINT TOMASINA,

I AM NOT SAINT..."

I KNOW WHO I AM.

I JUST WISH I COULD CONVINCE
THEM BEFORE WE LEFT.

WELL, YOU COULD AGREE TO LEAD
THEM AGAINST PEDRO CARACOL.

AND THEN, AFTER YOU GOT SHOT,

THEY'D SEE THAT
YOU'RE NOT IMMORTAL.

ON THE OTHER HAND, A MORE
POSITIVE COURSE OF ACTION WOULD BE

TO TELL THE AUTHORITIES BACK IN SAN
JUAN WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON AROUND HERE

AND LET THEM STRAIGHTEN IT OUT.

GOOD THINKING.

SISTER?

[both gasping]

JUANITO, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?

IS THE BELOVED SAINT
GOING TO BATTLE?

I KNEW SHE WOULD.

BATTLE?

WHAT BATTLE? WHERE ARE THE MEN?

THEY HAVE GONE TO
ATTACK PEDRO CARACOL.

THEY WENT OFF WITHOUT THE SAINT?

I... I MEAN, SISTER BERTRILLE?

SI. SENOR DIEGO SAID
THAT IF THE SAINT SAID NO,

THAT THEY SHOULD NOT DISOBEY,
BUT SENOR FRANCISCO SAID

THAT WHAT THE SAINT MEANT WAS FOR
THEM TO PROVE THEMSELVES WORTHY OF HER.

HE'S A SLIPPERY
ONE, THAT FRANCISCO.

SO, THEY ARE GOING
TO WIN A GREAT VICTORY,

AND THE SAINT WILL BE
PLEASED. WON'T YOU?

JUANITO, WHEN DID THEY LEAVE?

A LITTLE WHILE AGO.

THEY'RE GOING TO
ATTACK AT SUNDOWN.

WELL, WHERE? WHICH WAY?

AT THE FORK OF THE TRAIL.

ARE YOU GOING TO HELP THEM?

I'M GONNA STOP THEM.

WHY DOESN'T SHE FLY?

UH, NO WIND.

UH, SISTER, WAIT FOR
YOUR HIGH PRIESTESS.

[Jacqueline gasping]

WHAT... WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW. THERE WAS
ONLY ONE HERE LAST NIGHT.

WHERE IS THAT ARMY?

MEN OF SANTA TOMASINA.

OUR BELOVED SAINT HAS COME
HERSELF TO LEAD US. LOOK!

[all cheering]

(Bertrille) STOP, STOP.

WHOA!

YOU'VE ALL GOT TO GO
BACK BEFORE YOU GET HURT.

TELL THE BELOVED
SAINT IT IS TOO LATE.

THE ENEMY IS UPON US. LOOK.

[gasping]

THAT'S THE ENEMY?

THE VILLAINS THAT HAVE BEEN
PREYING ON YOUR VILLAGE?

THE... THE BANDITOS?

(Francisco) SI.

THEY ARE DESPERATE CRIMINALS,

EVERY ONE OF THEM.

BUT THEY'RE JUST
VILLAGERS LIKE YOU.

FRANCISCO,

GIVE US BACK OUR NUNS.

THEY ARE NOT NUNS.

THIS IS THE HOLY SAINT TOMASINA

SENT TO US BY A MIRACLE.

THEY ARE NUNS FROM
CONVENT SAN TANCO,

AND THEY WERE SENT TO US.

YOU KIDNAPPED THEM.

LIAR. SHE DESCENDED
FROM THE SKY.

AND WHO ARE YOU TO
TALK ABOUT KIDNAPPING,

YOU WHO WOULD STEAL A MAN'S PIG?

I SP-SPIT ON YOUR PIG.

IF... IF WE STOLE HIM,
WHERE IS HE NOW?

AND WHERE IS THE PIG
YOU... YOU STOLE FROM US?

(Francisco) HYPOCRITE!

WELL, YOUR SAINTLINESS,
WHAT DO YOU THINK NOW?

I SUPPOSE YOU DID NOT
STEAL OUR BELOVED STATUE?

I THINK WE'VE BEEN
CONNED. MMM-HMM.

BUT BY WHOM?

STATUE?

SAINT TOMASINA HAS
BELONGED TO OUR VILLAGE

FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS,
AND YEARS, AND YEARS.

UH, SENOR CARACOL...

IT IS GOOD... GOOD TO SEE
YOU UNHARMED, SISTERS.

BUT IF YOU VALUE YOUR SAFETY,

COME OVER TO THIS
SIDE OF THE TRAIL.

OH, YOU HAVE BEEN TRICKED

INTO A NEST OF
DESPERATE BANDITOS.

[speaking Spanish]

THEY HAVE BEEN
ASSAULTING OUR POOR VILLAGE

FOR YEARS.

I SEEM TO HAVE HEARD
THAT SOMEWHERE BEFORE.

UNSPEAKABLE VILLAIN.

IT IS YOU WHO ARE THE BANDITOS.

SENOR CARACOL, WHAT'S
THE NAME OF YOUR VILLAGE?

OH, SANTA TOMASINA,
AFTER THE HOLY SAINT.

(Francisco) TREACHERY.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO
THAT NAME. IT IS OURS.

THERE.

THAT IS WHAT WE OF SANTA
TOMASINA THINK OF THIEVES.

AND THAT'S WHAT WE OF
SANTA TOMASINA THINK OF LIARS.

(Francisco) ENOUGH.

WE WILL SETTLE THIS
ONCE AND FOR ALL.

(Francisco) FOR SANTA TOMASINA,

CHARGE!

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

THE HOLY SAINT HERSELF
IS HERE TO LEAD US.

[men cheering]

OH, NO, YOU DON'T.

LOOK... OH, YOU SEE, MY PEOPLE.

THE HOLY SAINT SEES
WHOSE CAUSE IS JUST.

CHARGE!

[Bertrille screams]

[all shouting]

EVERYBODY, LISTEN TO ME!

OOH, THIS IS AWFUL.

NOW, STOP IT.

OH, IT'S TOO LATE. IT WOULD
TAKE THE WISDOM OF SOLOMON

TO STOP THEM NOW.
BUT THEY'RE LIABLE TO

KILL EACH OTHER.

SOLOMON?

IT'S WORTH A TRY. WHAT?

I...

EXCUSE ME.

[all shouting]

♪ [blowing trumpet]

ALL RIGHT NOW.
EVERYBODY AT EASE.

NOW, LISTEN TO ME, WILL YOU?

I THINK I HAVE A SOLUTION
TO YOUR PROBLEM.

NOW,

YOU SAY EACH OF YOUR VILLAGES ARE ENTITLED
TO THE NAME OF SANTA TOMASINA, RIGHT?

(all) SI.

AND THIS STATUE HERE IS THE
SYMBOL OF SANTA TOMASINA.

(all) SI. ALL RIGHT.

THERE'S A SIMPLE SOLUTION.

I'LL JUST SLICE
THE STATUE IN HALF

AND EACH OF YOU
CAN HAVE PART OF HER.

(all) NO, NO, NO.

(Francisco) OH, NO, NO.

THIS IS... YOU... YOU
WOULD NOT DESTROY

THE HOLY IMAGE, WOULD YOU?

THAT WOULD BE A TERRIBLE SIN.

IS IT ANY LESS OF A SIN TO GO
AROUND BREAKING EACH OTHER'S HEADS?

OK. OK.

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO
CUT THE STATUE IN HALF,

BUT NEITHER OF YOU IS WILLING
FOR THE OTHER ONE TO HAVE IT,

SO WHAT ARE YOU
GUYS GOING TO DO?

(Bertrille) I'VE GOT A SOLUTION.

NOW, [clears throat]

WHAT IF WE TAKE HER...

WE'LL PUT THE STATUE RIGHT HERE

AS A SYMBOL OF... OF
ETERNAL PEACE BETWEEN...

UH, OH, EXCUSE ME.

[grunting]

BETWEEN EAST SANTA
TOMASINA AND, UH,

AND BETWEEN

WEST SANTA TOMASINA.

VIVA WEST SANTA TOMASINA!

(all) VIVA WEST SANTA TOMASINA!

VIVA EAST SANTA TOMASINA!

(all) VIVA EAST SANTA TOMASINA!

(all) VIVA! VIVA!

VIVA!

[people chattering]

[sighs]

PEACE, IT'S WONDERFUL.

SISTERS, PEDRO CARACOL HAS TOLD
US OF HIS VISIT TO YOUR CONVENT.

I HOPE WE HAVE NOT
COMMITTED BLASPHEMY

IN THINKING YOU WERE
OUR BELOVED SAINT.

WELL, LET'S JUST
CALL IT A MISTAKE.

A LULU, BUT A
MISTAKE NONETHELESS.

NOW, YOU WILL COME
WITH US TO OUR VILLAGE

AND HELP US TO CELEBRATE
THE ETERNAL PEACE

BETWEEN OUR 2 VILLAGES?

N-NO, UH, THE SISTERS
WILL COME TO OUR VILLAGE

TO CELEBRATE OUR ETERNAL PEACE.

NOW, PEDRO, YOU-YOU'RE STARTING
UP WITH YOUR OLD TRICKS AGAIN.

OUR OLD TRICKS?

WE DID NOT KIDNAP THE SISTERS.

YOU DID.

(Francisco) MEN OF
EAST SANTA TOMASINA,

WEST SANTA TOMASINA
IS TRYING TO KIDNAP

OUR HOLY SISTERS.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS.

(Francisco) NO, SISTER.

(all) NO, NO, NO!

YOU... YOU MAY GO
WHEREVER YOU WISH.

WHEREVER WE WISH?

WHERE DO WE WISH?

HOME.

GOODBYE. GOODBYE.

(all) BYE, GOODBYE.
NICE SEEEING YOU.

GOODBYE. BYE.

MEN OF EAST SANTA TOMASINA,

WE WILL SEE THE HOLY
SISTERS BACK TO THEIR CONVENT.

(all) NO, NO!

NO. WE WILL ACCOMPANY THEM.