The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 5, Episode 18 - Time Machine - full transcript

You guys on
your lunch break, huh?

What'll you have?

Four brontosaurus
burgers, please.

Ha ha ha ha!
Funny, funny.

How are you doing over
at the exhibit, busy?

Don't you guys get cold
in them costumes?

What's this guy
talking about?

Here you are, mac,
four brontosaurus burgers.

That'll be 2 rocks.

Okay.
[Rocks clicking]

Hey, what is this?



That's 2 rocks.
What's wrong with it?

Come on, mac. A gag's a gag,
but I'm awful busy.

Put out 2 bucks,
or I call the cops.

Oh, let's go, gang.

This guy's
off his rocker.

Hey, come back here!

Police!

Here comes
the law, Fred.

Let's keep moving.
Quick! In here!

[Toot]

Yabba-Dabba-Doo!

Flintstones,
meet the Flintstones

They're the modern
stone age family

From the town of Bedrock



They're a page
right out of history

Let's ride with the family
down the street

Through the courtesy

Of Fred's two feet

When you're
with the Flintstones

Have a yabba-Dabba-Doo
time

A dabba-Doo time

We'll have
a gay old time

[Horns honking]

Hey, watch it, Fred.

Oh, boy, this traffic.

I knew we shouldn't have
tried coming to the fair

on opening day.

Oh, it isn't
that bad, Fred.

Besides, it's good
for the children.

It's an educational
experience

They'll remember the
rest of their lives.

Goo!
Agga agga gaa.

Oogoo agga bagga
bugga bugga.

Yeah. I don't mind, either.

It's exciting.

You said it.

I can't wait to try
some of those rides.

I hear they're pretty wild.

I'll bet they're no wilder
than Fred's driving.

- Aah!
- Aah!

Ah-Hah!

Hey, Wilma! Isn't this fun?

It would be if you'd
stop choking me.

[Screaming and laughing]

This flying hipposaurus
is okay, huh, Fred?

Yeah. I just wonder how the
get it to stay in the air.

[Panting]

It ain't easy, man.
It ain't easy.

Here's something for you,
Fred-- Test your strength.

Oh, boy,
right down my alley.

I'll probably knock that
bell right off the pole.

Watch closely, rubble. I will
show you how it's done.

Rowr!

[Laughing]

Just as I thought--
It's fixed.

Ooo gaa
da-Googa gah.

Bamm-Bamm!

That's my boy.

Boy, I would
have to compete

With the strongest boy
in the world.

[Betty reads sign]

Good. We'll leave the children
here while we tour the exhibits.

Over here, boys!

Tired tots? How about
pooped parents?

Yeah.
You said it, barn.

Hey, get a load
of that babysitter.

A rocktopus.

How clever.

Well, I've always said
that's what a mother needs--

Six more arms.

Ooo gaa gaa gaa.

Gaa gaa
goo goo gaa.

Oh, how cute.

Waa!

Waa! Waa!

[Crying]

She sure is busy.

Can she take care
of our two?

Of course,
with our rocktopus,

There's always room
for more.

Oh, isn't that cute?

Goo gaa gaa
goo goo gaa.

Gaa goo
goo gaa gik.

Now don't worry
about the kiddies.

They'll be perfectly
happy here.

Go and enjoy
the fair.

Thank you.

Bye, children.

Gwaa gogga da bok.

Ahh goo goo,
goo-Goobye.

Bye-Bye.

[Wilma reads sign]

That's what
I want to see--

The newest
labor-Saving appliances.

Me, too. Come on, Barney.

Here's where you and I
get the works, barn--

The girls are gonna see new ways
to put a dent in our pocketbooks.

Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah. Those gadgets save them
labor and cost us money.

Well, what can we do?
You can't keep 'em from looking.

Isn't that marvelous?
An automatic dishwasher.

What I wouldn't give
to have one of those.

You already have
a dishwasher--Me.

Besides, that machine probably
isn't even on the market yet.

Just an experimental model.

Yeah. Sounds like it
still has some bugs in it.

Ooh! Look at this.

Eek! Eek!

Hey, what is that?

An automatic blender.

Isn't that clever?

Oh, sure, just something
else to go wrong around the house.

In a couple of months, that
little monkeysaurus will wear out,

And then where would
you be?

[Panting]

He's not kidding.
I'm exhausted!

We've seen enough
of this woman stuff.

Yeah. Can't we do
something else?

Oh, there's
a shooting gallery.

Why don't you boys
try your skill there?

Good idea. We'll meet you at
the hall of science.

Gee, thanks, girls.

Aren't they cute?

As long as you know
how to handle them.

[Both giggle]

Boy, Fred, I haven't
used one of these

Since the old
army days.

Yeah. Sure brings back
memories, doesn't it?

Hey, try
both barrels, Fred.

Okey-Dookey-Dokey.

[Quack quack]

I don't care
what this job pays.

Next year
I'm flying south.

Here come the boys.

Good. I'm just dying to
see this science exhibit.

It can't be any good.

There's no line
waiting to go in.

Well, let's go anyway.
I'm curious.

Besides,
it sounds cultural.

Uh-Oh. Don't
fight it, Fred.

When they start talking cultural,
we're dead ducks.

You're so right, barn.

Some hall of science.
There's nothing here.

[Tapping]

Yes, there is, Fred.
Look over there.

Eh, pardon me, mister.

Ah, customers,
customers.

Are you customers?

Have you come to try
my time machine?

Well, we don't know.
What is it?

Oh, it's marvelous!
Absolutely marvelous.

You just step inside
and I throw a lever

And things spin,
lights go on and off,

And you wind up
somewhere in the future.

I mean,
really in the future.

Heh heh heh!
You don't say.

This guy has
slipped his gears.

Have you tried it
yourself, sir?

Who, me?
Oh, don't be silly.

I mean, somebody
has to stay outside

To operate
the thing,

And that's me.
I mean,

I'd love to go, but unfortunately,
it's not possible.

Well, has anybody tried it?

Well, no.

No, actually, they haven't.

You see, I just finally got
it working this morning,

So you'll be
the lucky ones.

How about it?
Are you game?

Golly, I don't know.

I don't, either.

Going into the future
sounds a little scary to me.

Oh, listen,
it's all a big fake.

He gets you in there,
turns off the lights,

And shows pictures on
the wall or something.

Oh? You think
that's it?

Of course it is. How can anybody
put you in the future?

It hasn't happened yet.

Let's humor the old bird
and have a few laughs. Heh? Come on.

Well, okay.

Alright. Let's go.

Just for laughs.

Heh heh heh!
Okay, mister, we'll go.

Splendid. Splendid!
You won't regret it.

Step in, step in.
When the machine starts,

You'll feel funny
for a moment,

But then it'll clear up,

And you'll be in some
marvelous place in the future.

And how far into the future
do you want to go?

100 years? 200?

Heh heh heh!

Why, give us the works.
Do your darnedest!

Now, let's see.
Where shall I send them?

Oh, this is so exciting.

I know. I'll shut my eyes
and spin the dial.

'Round and 'round
she goes,

And where she stops,
nobody knows.

Three lemons!
Is that good?

Let's see.

Oh, my goodness!
Those people are gone!

My time machine works.
It really works!

Oh, my goodness.
I wonder where they went.

Uh-Oh. I'm scared.

Barney?
Barney, where are you?

I'm over here.
I'm kinda scared, too.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

It's just a trick--
An illusion.

You watch.
In a minute or so,

Some picture will
flash on the wall and--

Oof!

Oh! Ohh!
What happened?

Where are we, Fred?

Huh? Why, in the machine,
of course.

Oh, yeah?
Look over there.

Look at that stadium.

Ha ha ha!

That's not
a real stadium, Barney.

It's a picture, a movie,
an optical illusion.

Well, it looks
pretty real to me.

Well, somebody should complain
to that man out there.

This machine
is pretty rough.

[Crowd cheers]

Hey, sounds like
a football game.

Let's go over there.

Oh, don't be a boob,
rubble.

You can't go over there.
It isn't real.

It's an optical
illusion.

Well, let's take a look
anyway. Come on, girls.

Oh, alright.
Wait for me.

Say, Wilma,
look at the people.

Look how
they're dressed--

All wrapped up
in bed sheets

And those pots
on their heads.

I say, tiberius,
look at those savages.

What are
they doing here?

I don't know, brutus.

Probably on their way
to fight in the arena.

Hey, come on, let's hurry.

Sounds like somebody's
getting clobbered in there.

There's no game, barn.

How many times
must I tell you?

This whole thing's
an illusion.

Well, let's find out, huh?

Go on, girls.
Go right on in.

Where do you two
think you're going?

The gladiators' entrance
is back there.

Hey, watch it!

What are you doing?
Hey, cut it out!

Where are the boys?

I thought they were
right behind us.

Stopped for popcorn,
I guess.

Probably be along
in a minute.

Say, this is
a strange game.

Nothing's going on
down there.

Maybe it's halftime.

[Playing scales]

Wilma, look at that character practicing
his violin at a football game.

Yeah...oh, here come
a couple of players.

I guess the game's
about to start.

I don't understand this
at all, Fred.

The crowd's up there and we're
down here on the field.

I tell you, Barney,
it's a movie!

An optical illusion!

Those two couldn't
be football players.

They're in terrible shape.

Oh! It's Barney
and Fred!

Betty and Wilma are up there
in the stands somewhere.

We'd better find them.
Betty! Wilma!

Where are you?

Here comes Barney.
He's saying something.

Excuse me, sir, but would you
stop fiddling for a minute?

I can't hear a word
my husband says.

Well!

[Playing scales]

Betty! Wilma!

[Rowr]

Hey, Fred,
look at that.

A couple of lionosauruses
are loose.

Nonsense, Barney.

[Rowr]

If I've told you once,
I've told you a thousand times,

None of this
is real.

[Rowr]
Yike!

It's an optical
illusion.

Well, one of your
optical illusions

Just ripped the seat
out of my pants.

[Lions roaring]

Help!

[Rawrr]

Oh, come back here,
Barney!

You look awful silly running
from an optical illusion.

I'd rather run from one
than be eaten by one.

[Rowr]

Heh heh heh!

Oh, beat it,
you furry illusion.

[Rowr]

Hey! These are real
lionosauruses!

Help! Help!

[Lions roaring
and snarling]

Those poor boys.

The lionosauruses
will tear them apart.

[Crowd cheering]

Oh, my goodness.

One thing
I never thought of--

How do I get them
back?

Let's see. What if I
pull the lever again?

Hey, Fred! Fred, we're back
on that goofy ride again.

And just in time, too.

That lionosaurus was about to
make an hors d'oeuvre out of me.

Wilma, are you here?

Yes. Betty and I
are right here.

And scared.

Oh, don't be scared.

Just keep in mind,
it's all a gimmick.

[Thud]
Ouch!

Where are we now?

On a boat.

Excuse me, please.

I'm captain christopher
columbus. Who are you?

Eh, we're
the Flintstones.

And we're
the Rubbles.

You have tickets
to ride on this boat?

Tickets? No. We didn't even see
the ticket booth.

We paid to get
into the fair.

I don't know how we
got on this boat ride.

Stowaways, eh? Well, you know what
we do with stowaways.

How do you like that?

Just because
we don't have tickets,

We got to scrub the deck.

Well, I wouldn't argue
with columbus, Fred.

Not with
that sword he's got.

Some fair!

Yeah. I could stay home
and scrub floors.

Psst! Psst!
Hey, you stowaways.

Are you speaking
to us?

Yeah. Listen,

There's going to be a mutiny
in a few minutes.

A mutiny?

Shh! Keep
your voice down.

Yes, a mutiny.

The captain thinks
the world is round, see?

But we all know
it's flat, right?

Of course it's flat!

Sure. I know
the world is flat.

Yeah. So do I.

Everybody knows that.

Good, good! Then
you're on our side.

We're going to
take over the boat,

Throw columbus
in chains,

And head for home.

Good idea. Otherwise,

We'd fall right off
the edge of the earth.

Heh heh! Hey,
you got a good head.

Okay.
Wait for the signal.

Excuse me. What was that sailor
talking to you about?

Uh--Uh--Uh, sailor?
Oh, nothing really.

He wanted to know if we
were enjoying our trip.

Yeah. That's
right. Heh heh!

Oh. I thought he might be
telling you about the mutiny.

You see, my crew thinks
the earth is flat,

But we know it's round...
right?

Uh--Uh, yeah. Yeah, right, right.
Sure, it's round.

Of course
it's round.

Good. Then you're
on my side, and just in time.

Here they come.

We put them all in chains,
and then sail on.

Oh, boy. Looks like
we're on the wrong side, Fred.

You said it.
We're not only outnumbered.

I think we're fighting
for the wrong idea.

Oh, captain, I hate to bother you
at a time like this,

But isn't that land
over there?

Land? Where?
Holy smokes!

The little lady's
right.

Look, boys! Land!
It's america!

[Cheering]

What do you think
of that, Fred?

I just discovered america.

The heck you did!
I discovered america!

And don't you forget it when
the reporters meet us back in spain.

Now back
to your scrubbing.

Ooh! Ooh! Ow! Ow!

Hey, watch it there!
That sword is pointy.

Oh, this is terrible,
terrible!

I've got to get them
back.

I figured we were due
for this again.

And just in time, too.

I wonder what columbus
is going to find in america?

It looked
deserted to me.

He's sure wasting
his time.

[Thud]

Oof!
Now were are we?

I don't know!

But that's the biggest
dining room table I've ever seen.

Hey, look at the names
on the chairs--

"Sir galahad."
"Sir lancelot."

Hey, look at
the goofy hat I found.

Peek-A-Boo!

Oh, Fred!

Sir lancelot, sir!
You must hurry, sir!

The black knight awaits you
on the jousting field, sir!

Huh? What?
I'm not--Wait! Wait!

Come on, girls. Let's go see
what Fred's got himself into now.

[Cheering]

Ah, my queen, pray that lancelot
is victorious.

Otherwise
our daughter--

Yes, yes.

Lancelot must defeat
the black knight.

He must.

[Cheering]

Hey, what am I
doing here?

That other guy looks
like he means business.

I'll bust that oaf lancelot
into little pieces,

And thenthe greatest prize
in the kingdom

Will be mine... all mine.

[Playing a fanfare]

That nut's riding right at me
with that sharp stick.

I'm getting outta here!
Let's go, horse!

Hey!
I can't see a thing!

- Uh-Oh!
- Hooray!

What's happening, Barney?
Can you see?

Just a couple of guys on horses
charging each other.

Whoa, horse!
I can't see!

Oh!

Hooray!

He's won, my dear!
Sir lancelot has won!

A brilliant victory,
sir lancelot!

You have won the greatest prize
in my kingdom--

My daughter,

The beautiful
princess Lenore.

[Giggling]

What do you mean,
I've won her?

You've won her hand
in marriage, sir Lancelot.

Well, there's two things
wrong with that.

In the first place,
I'm Flintstone, not Lancelot...

Fred...

and in the second
place,

I'm already married
to Wilma.

You mean you spurn
the hand

Of this beautiful
princess?

I'll have your head.

[Babbling]

Fred flintstone!

I'm afraid I'm already
spoken for, your majesty.

Take him away
to the chopping block!

Off with his head!

Help! Wilma!

Police!

You here, Fred?

I was worried
about you, buddy.

Me, too. That was
some choice I had.

Either way,
I'd lose my head.

It's a good thing you
remembered you're a married man.

How could I forget,
sweetheart?

Besides, I'd never trade a queen
like you for a mere princess.

Oh, Fred! You're sweet.

[Thud]

Ouch!
We've landed again.

Where are we this time?

Let's ask that man
over there.

Pardon me, sir, but could
you tell us where we are?

Certainly, friend.
You're in philadelphia,

The city
of brotherly love.

Phil-A-Delphia?

The city of brotherly love?

[Yawn] that's right,
that's right.

Pardon me for yawning.
I got in rather late last night.

Oh, that's not good.

You know, early to bed
and early to rise

Makes a man healthy,
wealthy, and wise.

You don't say!
That's very interesting.

Perhaps I'd better
write that down.

Here. Would you mind
holding my kite?

Oh, and would you
hold my apple?

I eat lots of apples.
You know what they say.

An apple a day keeps
the doctor on his toes.

It keeps him away, too.

By george,
that's clever.

I'd better
write that down, too.

This is quite a kite
you have here, mister.

Where did you buy it?

Oh, I didn't buy it.
I made it myself.

A penny saved is a
penny stashed away. You know.

You might even say
it was a penny earned.

Ooh! That's even better!
I'll write that down, too.

[Thunder]

It looks like rain, mister.
Should I pull the kite in?

No, no. Just keep it flying.
You see, I'm looking for something.

With a kite, a string,
and a key? What are you looking for?

Electricity.

Electricity?
What's that?

[Thunder]

See there?
That's electricity.

H-H-Help! B-Barney!
Get me loose!

Oh, sure, Fred.
Yeow! Betty!

Coming, Barney!
Yeow! Wilma!

Hang on.
I'll get you.

Yeow!

My goodness!
So that's how electricity works.

I'd better write
this down, too.

Wow! Four meteors streaking
through the sky!

You wouldn't believe it!

[Thud]

Fred, Betty, look!
Look at all the people!

And the weird buildings!
What is all this?

You got me. Well, there's
a sign over there.

It says, uh,
"world's fair."

I guess we're
back in bedrock.

I don't know, Fred.

I don't remember anything
like that at our fair.

Wow!

Or that!

Wilma: you're right!
Or that!

Or that!

This whole thing
has me dizzy.

Me, too!

It's got me hungry.
Any place around here to eat?

Oh, yeah, there's a place.
Let's go, gang.

Look, Mabel. Some of the actors
from the prehistoric exhibit.

Aren't they fascinating?

Divine.
Kinda cute, too.

You guys on your lunch break, huh?
What'll you have?

Four brontosaurus
burgers, please.

Ha ha ha ha! Funny, funny.
Everything on them?

Yeah, yeah.
Everything.

How are you doing over
at the exhibit, busy?

Don't you guys get cold
in them costumes?

What's this guy
talking about?

Here you are, mac.
Four brontosaurus burgers. Ha ha ha!

That'll be 2 rocks.

Okay.
[Rocks clicking]

Hey, what is this?

Huh? Well, that's 2 rocks.
What's wrong with 'em?

Come on, mac.
A gag's a gag, but I'm awful busy.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

That's good
Bedrock currency.

Look, put out 2 bucks,
or I call the cops.

Oh, let's go, gang. This guy
is off his rocker.

Hey, come back here!

Police! Police!

Here comes
the law, Fred.

Well, let's keep moving.
Quick! In here!

Hey, look at that!
What is it, Fred?

I don't know, but there's
no time for sightseeing.

We're taking a quick trip
through this fair.

Hey, look.
We're back home.

These are our kind
of people.

Thank goodness!

There they are!

Head for the hills!

Here goes.
I'll give it one more try.

Wow! Jackpot!

Hey! What happened?

Oh, nothing,

Except we were chased
by lionosauruses,

Clobbered by columbus,

Shocked in Philadelphia,

Trampled on, screamed at,

And if that's how
your time machine works,

You can have it,
buddy!

Well, you can't
please everybody.

So, back to the old
drawing board.

[Yawn] I don't know
about you folks,

But I really
enjoyed the fair.

So did I. Of course, you can't
see it all in one day.

No. Not if you
go on those crazy rides.

By the way, Fred,
what did you think of the future?

Heh heh heh! Well,
barn, let me put it this way--

It's a nice place
to visit,

But I wouldn't
want to live there.

Ha ha ha!
Me, neither.

Same here!

You said it!

[Laughing]

Flintstones,
meet the Flintstones

They're the modern
stone age family

From the town of Bedrock

They're a page
right out of history

Someday, maybe Fred

Will win the fight

Then that cat will stay out

For the night

When you're

With the Flintstones

Have a yabba-Dabba-Doo time

A dabba-Doo time

We'll have a gay old time

We'll have a gay old time

Wilma!