The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 3, Episode 9 - Baby Barney - full transcript

In order to prove his uncle Tex that he has a "descendant" and to get his inheritance, Fred must find a baby to pass for his son. After unfortunate attempts to adopt a kid, he asks Barney to pass for Fred's son against his will when Uncle Tex comes to visit.

Now, there's
a real baby--

A big one, like
everything else is

Back in Texas.


Koochie koochie
koochie coo coo coo!


Koochie koochie coo
to you, too, wise guy!

Hey, where did
everybody go?

[Muffled speech]

We'll have it off
in a jiffy, uncle Tex.

Don't worry.

Have you flipped
your bonnet, Barney?

Uncle Tex
could get mad at us.

Well, how would you like
to be koochie-Cooed?

Ok, ok, but, Barney,

Please go along
with it.

It means a lot
to all of us.

Come on, Wilma,
one good pull.

Ok. 1...






meet the flintstones

They're the modern
stone age family

From the town of bedrock

They're a page
right out of history

Let's ride with the family
down the street

Through the courtesy

Of Fred's two feet

When you're with
the flintstones

Have a yabba-Dabba-Doo

A dabba-Doo time

We'll have a gay old time

[Ding ding]

Boy! Boy!

Yes, mr. Marblehead.

Here's a telegram

For a Fred flintstone
on cobblestone lane.

Right, sir.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it, Fred.

Don't bother getting up.

Just a minute, please.


Boy, what
a dusty floor.

Telegram for
mr. Flintstone.

A telegram?
Oh, no.

Fred, Fred, a telegram
has come for you.

What should I do, Fred?

What should I do?

Relax, Wilma.
I'll get it.

Just take it easy.

Hurry, Fred. Hurry.

Oh, dear, I just know
it's bad news.

Mr. Flintstone?


A telegram
for you, sir.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Here's an apple
for you, sonny.

An apple?
With tips like that,

I'll never
get to college.

Don't read it,

- Telegrams are bad news.
- What.

Why, that is the silliest
thing I ever heard.

Now, where did you ever
get that idea?

Mama always

"Mama always said.
Mama always said."

Oh, that's a hot one.

Now, if you and your mother
don't mind,

I'll read my telegram.

Oh, no.

I knew it.
I knew it.

Like mama
always said.

My rich uncle,
Tex hardrock,

Is coming to visit us.

Oh, dear. I knew
it would be bad news.

Hey, wait a minute.
That's good news.

No, it isn't.
It's bad news.

Here, read it.

"Dear favorite nephew,

"Arriving tomorrow
to visit

"You and your wife.

"Am anxious to meet
my namesake,

Little Tex."

Signed, big Tex.

Who's little Tex, Fred?

That's the bad news.
There is no little Tex.

What are you
talking about?

Well, to, um...

get on the good side
of my rich uncle,

I--I told him we named
our baby after him.

But we have no baby.

I know that,

But we got to get one

Before uncle Tex
arrives tomorrow.

Oh, come now, Fred.

The very soonest
we could--

I'm talking about
a loaner, a rental baby.

Wilma, if there's
no little Tex here

When big Tex arrives,

I am disinherited.

See? Mama was right.

I called my sister, Wilma,
and she said

No, she wouldn't loan
Fred her baby.

I didn't
think she would,

But I promised
Fred I'd ask.

My hairdo is slipping.

Ah, well.
Barney wouldn't have

Liked it anyway.

Have you any idea
where he and Fred are?

Search me.

All I know is that
they're out

Trying to find
a solution

To Fred's problem.

Good afternoon,

Can I help you?

I'm interested in
looking at

A lifelike
baby doll.

Yeah, a boy doll.

He's got to talk, walk,
and go to sleep.

Oh, I got just
the doll for you.

He walks, talks,
and goes to sleep.


Ma-Ma, dad-Dy.

Ma-Ma, dad-Dy.

Ma-Ma, dad-Dy,

What do you
think, Barney?

Well, I think he wants
his mom and daddy.

I mean, will it
fool uncle Tex?

Well, how's
uncle's eyesight?


Then it won't fool him.

Yeah, I guess
you're right.

Hey, there's one
that's perfect.


Hey, sure looks real,
doesn't it?

How about that?

It's even warm.


My baby!

That cry is perfect.

Find out how much they want
for this one, Barney.

The nerve of
some people.

I ought to call
the police.

Oh, oh, sorry, lady.

I thought it was a doll.

Hey, come on, Fred,
before we get in trouble.

It looks like
you're sunk, Fred.

A doll will never work.

No, but that baby
gave me a better idea.

- It did?
- Yup, and there's

The place
I was looking for.

Oh, you're kidding.
The foundling home?

Let's go in,

And let me
do the talking.

So you want
to adopt a baby boy.

That's very commendable,
mr. Flintstone.

Oh. Heh heh!
Thank you.

Of course, we'll need
character references.

Oh, oh, Fred's
a real character.

Everybody in the
neighborhood says so.

Shut up, Barney.
Shut up.

You'll find a baby

Will bring a lifetime
of happiness

To you, mr. Flintstone.

Oh, I don't want one
that long.

Just a day or so.

A day or so?

Yeah. Then I'll
bring him back.

Charlie! Orville! 86!

86? That's a troublemaker,
isn't it?

Yeah. Let's
get rid of him.

hey, what's the idea?

[Barney] hey, just
a minute, fellas.


I'd like to see you

Try that again,
wise guy.

Uh, Fred.

- I ought to sue you.
- Fred.

That's what I'll do.
I'll sue you.

What's the matter, Barney?

Get off my back.

Well, it's
no use, Barney.

I give up.
I'll just have

To tell uncle Tex
the truth:

There is no
little Tex.

Gee, that's
too bad, Fred.

I wish there was
something I could do.

What did
you say, Barney?

I said I wish there was
something I could do.

That's what
I thought.

Come on, pal.

There is something
you can do.

What th--Hey,
put me down, Fred.

Put me down!

Hmm. Not a bad way
to catch a man.

I'll have to try that.

This'll work fine,

I'll return it
in a few days.

So long.

Yes, sir, this is

Going to work
just fine.

Hey, Fred,
this is ridiculous.

You said you wished

You could help me,
didn't you?

Yeah, but not
this much.

I'm getting out
of here.

Oh, no,
you don't.

Oh, yes, I am.

Kick me,
will you?

Get back
in the carriage.


ouch. Not the headlock.

No, no, no.
Put me down.

Put me down.

Now get back
in that carriage...

and stay in there!

Oh! What kind
of a father are you

To treat a poor baby
like that?

Eh? Oh. Heh heh!

It ain't like
it looks, lady.

I'm--I'm not
his father.

Not his father!
Why, of all the nerve.

Take that...
and that

And that and this,
you monster.

Ok, those rock
purses are murder.

Take it easy.

Take it easy!

Tsk, tsk. You'd think
for the kid's sake,

They'd try to get along.

Oh, ooh, whew.

I...I think we
lost her, Barney.

And I'm going
to lose you.

Boy, that old gal
can sure run.

Whoo. What a terrifying

Hey, Fred!

Quiet. She might
still be around.

Fred, help!

I can't stop!
Do something, Fred, quick!

come back here.

What do you think
you're doing?


For crying out loud,
Barney, cut it out.

What are you trying to do,
spoil everything for me?

Stop the carriage,

Stop the carriage!

Oh, no. He's going
on the freeway.

Hold on, Barney.
I'm coming.

[Horns honking]

Come on, Fred.
Think of something.

This could be dangerous.

Slow down, Barney!
Slow down!

Oh, boy. You and your
great ideas.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Now where did he go?

Hey, Barney.
Where are you?



Gee, Fred, you shouldn't
have stopped me.

I was starting
to enjoy the ride.

Barney, that is the camel
that broke my straw back.

Now, get off of me
and get out of here.

But, Fred--

Don't "but, Fred" me.

You and I are through
as friends.

We are now enemies.

Yes, we are,
and I feel better already.

Good-Bye, enemy.

Good-Bye, Fred--
I mean enemy.

No hard feelings,

And, oh,
say hello to your

Uncle Tex for me,
will you?

Oh, my gosh.
Uncle Tex!

Hey, Barney.
Wait a minute, old pal.

Look, Barney,
I'm begging you.

Say you'll do it.

- No.
- Please, pal.

I feel silly

In these
3-Corner shorts.

Oh, boy.

And I always thought
of you as my pal,

My buddy,
my bosom friend.

But now when you have
a chance to prove it,

You turn your back
on me.

Oh, stop it, Fred.

You're breaking
my heart.

You mean you'll do it?
You'll be little Tex?

Well, on one

When you get
your inheritance,

Will you pay me
the 10 bucks

You owe me?

It's a promise, Barney.

Put her there, son.


Hi, Wilma.
Can you take five?

It'd be a pleasure.

That husband of mine
has been

Gone all afternoon
and left

All the yard work
for me.

Do you think
he talked anyone

Into loaning him
a baby?

Are you kidding?

- Hi, Wilma.
- Fred.

Sorry to be gone
so long,

But old freddy-Boy
did it again.

Our troubles
are over.

What are you
talking about?

Where'd you get
that carriage?

And where's Barney?

Girls, I want
you to meet

The latest addition
to our family,

Little Tex

Goo goo.

Come on, Wilma.

Open your eyes,

See, it's me--


Oh, yeah. Fred.

Hey, Betty.
Wake up.

Wake up.
Look, it's me.


Uh-Oh. Betty's out
again, Fred.

Aah! There's
that thing again.

Barney, will you
shut up

And go in the house

So I can get them
on their feet?

I am not being
unreasonable, Wilma,

But no wife
wants her husband

To go around
looking like that.

I admit Barney
looks ridiculous,

But it's only for
a few days.

Just while
uncle Tex is here.

Gee, Betty,

Fred will be disinherited

If uncle Tex don't
find a little Tex,

And I'll never get
my 10 bucks back.

Well, all right.

If you want
to help Fred,

It's ok with me.


Thanks, Betty.
You're a real pal.

I'll get it.



Is this Wilma?

Yes, and who's this?

I'm Fred's uncle,
big Tex,

And I'm just a hoot
and a holler

Down the road
from you,

And I'm sure anxious
to meet up with

You and little Tex.

See you
in a few minutes,

Wilma, baby.


Who was it, Wilma?

It's your uncle Tex,

And he'll be here
in a few minutes.

Uncle Tex?

In a few minutes?

Quick, Barney,
into the carriage.

And don't forget
to talk baby talk.

Oh, I don't know if I want
to go through with this, Fred.

Well, you can't
back out now.

W-W-What's that?

That must be
uncle Tex.



He's here, Fred.
It's your uncle Tex.

Oh, boy.
Here we go.

[Knock on door]

Uh, come in.

Wahoo! Freddy-Boy.

Hello, uncle Tex.

You're a sight for
sore eyes, freddy.

Put her there,
favorite nephew.

No, no, no, no.
Please, uncle Tex.

No, no indian wrestling!

Say uncle.

Uncle! Uncle!

I hate
that kind of man.

Now, uncle Tex,
I'd like you to meet

My wife Wilma

And our dear friend
mrs. Betty rubble.

Charmed, ladies.

You are both
the very epitome

Of feminine

I was wrong.

I like that kind
of man.


And now, freddy,
I wants to see

My little old

Little Tex.

Keep your fingers
crossed, Betty.

Little Tex.

You sure you
want to look at him?

Of course I'm sure.
Open it up.

Ok. Big Tex,
meet little Tex.

Goo goo.

Little Tex?

Ga ga ga ga

Goo goo goo goo.

Ga ma ma brbrbr.

Da da da da.

Oh, boy.


Now, there's
a real baby--

A big one, like
everything else is

Back in texas.


Koochie koochie
coo coo coo!


Koochie koochie coo
to you, too, wise guy!

Hey, where did
everybody go?

Who turned out
the lights?

[Muffled speech]

We'll have it off
in a jiffy, uncle Tex.

Don't worry.

Have you flipped
your bonnet, Barney?

Uncle Tex
could get mad at us.

Well, how would you like
to be koochie-Cooed?

Ok, ok, but Barney,

Please go along
with it.

It means a lot
to all of us.

Ok, but it isn't easy.

Come on, Wilma,
one good pull.

Ok. 1...




That did it.

It sure did.

Here comes uncle Tex.
Now, be nice.

One koochie,
just one koochie,

And I'm turning in
my suit.


He's all boy, Fred.

He don't stand
for any of that

Sissy koochie-Coo

Come on,
little Tex.

Let's see you

Over to big
uncle Tex.

Go on, go on.

Goo goo goo
da da da da.

Goo goo goo
goo ma ma.

Goo goo goo.

Come here, boy.

That's it.

What th--

I hates to do this,
little Tex,

But you got to learn

To keep
those big paws

Off'n people's hats.

Goo goo
gaa gaa.

Goo goo
ba ba.

Barney--I mean,
little Tex,

No, no, no.

No, bad baby.

Bad baby.

Shame on you,
little Tex.

Mustn't spank
rich uncle big Tex.



you've hurt

Little Tex's

Give him a hug.

[Both giggle]

Oh, yeah.

One more trick like that,
Barney, and I'll--



I'll take the baby
for a while, Fred.

thanks, Betty.

He sure
likes his daddy,

Doesn't he?

Now, look, mister.

This means a lot
to Fred and Wilma,

So stop antagonizing
uncle Tex.

Well, he spanked
me first.

And you pulled
his hat down.

Now get back inside
and be a nice baby.

Boy, am I sorry I let
Fred talk me into this,

But I'll try my best.

Ah, that's
a good sport.

It's only until
uncle Tex leaves.

Dinner is served.

Come and get it,

[Fred] oh, boy.
Roast dodo bird.

There ain't anybody
in bedrock

Can fix a better
roast dodo bird than Wilma.

You can say
that again--


Ixnay, Barney,

You're supposed
to be

A baby, remember?

Babies don't eat
roast dodo birds.

Here's a nice bowl of

Cactus mush
for little Tex.


Finish it all up,

And it'll make you grow

Big and strong
like your daddy.

Goo goo
gaa gaa gaa.

Ba ba ba
doo doo yak.

Ga goo goo ga ga
ya ga.

Want dodo bird.

Well, you can't have
any dodo bird,

So eat your mush.


Tsk, tsk. You shouldn't
tolerate disobedience

From a child, Fred.

Make him eat
his mush.

Yeah, yeah.
You're right.

Come on, baby.
Eat the nice mush.


Come on, Barney,
eat the mush.

Uncle Tex
is watching.

Watch daddy
eat the mush.

Daddy loves
cactus mush.

Yum, yum, yum.

Oh, that's


Heh heh heh!

Funny daddy.
Heh heh heh!

Daddy like mush.


Yeech. Oh, boy.

Excuse me
a minute, folks.

I'll take the baby
outside again.

Barney, this is
the last time

I'm going to
tell you.

Stop making trouble
for Fred.

But I don't like

You're spoiling
Fred's chances

Of inheriting
uncle Tex's money,

And you promised
you'd help him.

I didn't promise
to eat mush.

Well, never mind
the mush.

Go play with
uncle Tex instead,

And start acting
like a baby.

Now, hold on,
little Tex.

I'm going
to show you

How to bust
a wild horse.


Yeehoo! Wapee!

Yip, yip,



The only one
that's going to be

Busted is me.

Yip, yip,
yip, yippee!

[Tex] keep running,

Don't let me
lasso you.

Help, Fred.


Yip, yip,
yip, yippee!

little Tex.

Well, we put it
over, Wilma.

Uncle Tex
and little Tex

Are hitting it
off real well.

Thank goodness.

Want to go for
a little ride, Tex?


Ok. Here we go.


Up we go

Oh, boy. What I don't do
for that Fred.


That does it.

or no friends,

I can't take
any more of this.

Hey, little Tex.

Come back here.

Well, I'll be
a horned-Toed platypus.

He's going into the garage
next door.

Whoa, little Tex.

That sounds like
uncle Tex's car.

It is
uncle Tex.

He's leaving.

[Fred] there goes
our inheritance.

Uncle Tex!
Come back!

Let's talk it over!

Quick, Fred,
get our car,

And let's go after him.

Uh-Oh. Uncle Tex
is right behind me.

I got to lose
that western wild man.

I can't just take any more
of this baby stuff.

Come back here,
little Tex!

Come back here,
big Tex!

Look. He's
chasing Barney.


Good grief.
What happened?


For a kid
that can't talk,

He sure can
drive a car.

I don't get it.

What's Barney
trying to do,

Get me disinherited?

Stop them before
they crack up, Fred.

[Telephone rings]

Police department.
Sergeant speaking.

3 cars speeding?


The first car is
being driven by a what?

A baby?

[Engines revving]


I never heard
of adults

Carrying on
like that.

You're all guilty
of reckless driving,

Except that innocent
baby over there

With the police

Goo goo goo goo
goo goo goo goo.

Oh, he's such
a sweet little fella,

So affectionate.

Does little baby
want to give nursey

Another kiss?

gaa gaa gaa gaa.


All right,
break it up.

That baby happens
to be my husband.

Well! I've heard of
robbing the cradle,

But this
is ridiculous.

I'm sorry,
uncle Tex.

I thought it would
make you happy

If there was
a little Tex,

But I never figured
you'd visit us.

Well, a little Tex

Would have cinched
your inheritance, freddy boy,

But I'm not
holding it against you.

After all, you were just
trying to please me.

hooray for uncle Tex!


So long, folks.

I'll be back
next year.

uncle Tex.

And thanks
for forgiving me.

Well, there he goes,

And I'm still
in his good graces.

He sure wants
a little Tex, though.

It's been
a trying day, dear.

Now, go relax while
I fix some dinner.

Ok, honey.


What th--

A fine place for Wilma's
knitting needles.

A baby bootee.

Ooh, that Wilma.

How close-Mouthed
can she get?


Why didn't you
tell me?

Fred, where are you going
with that bootee?

I'm knitting it for
Betty's sister's baby.

Hey, uncle Tex.
Look, it's blue.

It's going to be
a boy.

We'll call him
little Tex.

Honest, we will.

Come back, uncle Tex!
Come back!


meet the flintstones

They're the modern
stone age family

From the town of bedrock

They're a page
right out of history

Someday, maybe Fred

Will win the fight

Then that cat will stay out

For the night

When you're with
the flintstones

Have a yabba-Dabba-Doo

A dabba-Doo time

We'll have a gay old time

We'll have a gay old time