The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 2, Episode 25 - This Is Your Lifesaver - full transcript

(Fred)
'Believe me, Barney.'

Dinner just better be ready
and on the table.

None of that crazy mixed-up food
that she makes for Gypsum.

I don't want my soup cold,
my ice cream hot.

Ya hear me, Wilma?

knock-knock knock-knock

Wilma! Open this door!

Please watch that knocking.

I've an upside down
souffle in the oven

and you'll turn it
right-side-up.

- I'll upside down you, Gypsum.
- 'Temper, temper.'



Come on, open up or I'll..

[growling]

Uh-oh!

vroom

crash

That's tellin' her, Fred.

[theme music]

preet

[siren wailing]

preet

screech

bam

thud

But I thought your boss
promised you more money, Fred.



He did.

He guaranteed me a raise

every five years
if I did my job officially.

Uh-oh! He's got you
by the loopholes.

Personally, I don't have
anymore financial worries.

What do you mean, you don't
have any financial worries?

You owe everybody I owe.

Yeah, but I just borrowed enough
money to pay off all my debts.

[laughing]

Well, I told Wilma
how she can economize

and save 500 bucks a year
on the grocery bill alone.

Oh, you gonna cut out your
midnight raids on the icebox?

No, I'm gonna cancel
the big food disposal unit

Wilma was expecting.

Her mother.

She eats like
a seven-year locust

only she comes here
every seven months.

You're lucky, Fred.
Look at poor Harvey Boxite.

He's been married 12 years
and his mother-in-law

only visited him once.

What's so bad about that?

She came the day after they
was married, and never left.

[laughing]

Oh, here we are, at the new

George Washingstone Bridge,
Fred.

Hey, your turn
to pay the toll.

You don't have to remind me.
I have it all ready.

screech

crunch

Speakin' of crocodiles, Fred.

How you gonna keep
your mother-in-law

out of your castle?

- With a moat?
- Ha ha ha.

I wish I could,
but the old buzzard

probably swims
like a duck.

Well, if you think
she can swim

what about that guy
who's gonna swim this river

with a 50 pound boulder
tied around his neck?

- 'Huh?'
- Aha! A couple of live ones.

And about time.
I was getting famished.

I say there!

Thank you for stopping,
gentlemen.

I wonder if I could
beg a boon of you.

- Oh, you want a bag of bones?
- No, a boon. A favor.

Could I bother you for a light,
for my last cigarette?

(Fred)
'Sure, I got a lighter
right here in the car.'

Did I hear you say
you're givin' up smokin'?

In a matter of speaking, yes.
Uh, thank you.

I only need two
reliable witnesses.

- For what?
- Here, lad.

Hold this a moment,
will you, my good man?

- Oh, my pleasure.
- Thank you.

I don't wanna say anything
to frighten this nut, Fred.

But if he thinks he's gonna
fly with this concrete yo-yo

he's gonna hurt himself.

No! Don't you get it?

It's one of those crazy TV
stunts, like people are cuckoo.

And we're on the air right now.

Hi, Wilma!

No, Fred.
No hidden cameras in sight.

Hey, look, Barney.

He's diggin' through his
briefcase for somethin'.

Oh, I know.
He's an insurance salesman.

Oh, they'll do anything
to get you to sign up.

Ah, here we are, gentlemen.

I wonder if you'd
witness this for me.

See? Don't sign till you look
at the fine print too, Fred.

Dear boy, I want you
to read this too.

"I, J. Montague Gypsum,
being of sound mind and body

do hereby, make known my last
will and testament...to.."

...to justly distribute my
meager share in this cruel

but beautiful world,
to deserving strangers.

To the children, I leave
the birds and the flowers.

The banks of brooks
and the golden sands

beneath the silver waters
here are.

- Hey, that's nice.
- Shh!

To the young lovers

I leave the soft summer nights
and the stars of the sky.

Sweet strains of music, ah.

This is a long will, Fred.

Hold this rock for a while,
will you?

Sure thing, Barney.

To married lovers

I leave the fire side at night

the happy laughter
of their children

'the company of good friends.'

Isn't it beautiful, Fred?

Yeah, it's your turn
to hold the rock.

And to those no longer
in their youth

I leave the vintage years
and memories

so that they may live
the golden days over and over

forever and ever.

- Hold this, Fred.
- Sure, Barney.

Author, author!
Come on, Fred, clap.

- Hold this, Barney.
- Sure, Fred.

Gee, Mr. Gypsum,
that was beautiful.

Alas, dear comrades,
I have nothing left.

That's why I'm perched here.

You mean you don't have
a gimmick?

- You're really gonna jump?
- Why not?

- 'Well, gee, pal.'
- Did you say "pal?"

Oh, you don't know how long it's
been since I heard those words

'mister, mister, uh..'

- Flintstone. Fred Flintstone.
- Ah, yes!

Isn't it irony
that one with such a hard name

should have
such a soft heart.

- Well, goodbye, Ferdy.
- The name's Fred.

- Goodbye, Burney.
- Uh, the name's Barney.

Ah, ha-ha!
I see your scheme.

You're trying to talk me
into coming home with you.

- That's your game, isn't it?
- Well, not exactly.

You see, I already
put my foot down

about my mother-in-law
comin' to visit us.

Oh, you did right.

Never admit an outsider into
your cherished family circle.

It's like letting a camel
put his head in your tent.

Hey, he knows your
mother-in-law, Fred.

No, friend.
I know people.

I used to be a psychiatrist

as well as a doctor,
lawyer and master chef.

- You were a chef?
- 'Ah, yes.'

(Gypsum)
'Not just an ordinary chef.'

'I was captain of
the Olympic cooking team.'

Tell me, what did you say
we were having for dinner?

(Fred)
'Oh, brontosaurus burgers,
I think.'

Not brontosaurus stroganoff
with marinated mushrooms

and devil dodo dumplings?

No, my wife doesn't cook
fancy stuff like that.

I could teach her.

Especially my specialties,
stegosaurus fins and sour cream.

Hey, I just got an idea.

Why don't you come home with me?

I thought you'd never ask.

You boys don't know
what a weight

you've lifted off
of my shoulders.

If a man has good friends,
what does he need with money?

Sure, your worries are all
water under the bridge now.

Right, pal?

splash

bang

Some days you just
can't help being a hero.

splash

It was beautiful, Wilma.
Just picture it.

Fred in a one and a half
twistin' forward jackknife

ending in a full belly buster.

First time I ever saw anyone
bounce off the water twice

before going under.

Well, he saved a life and that's
something to be proud of.

Yeah. How are you
feeling now, Fred?

Oh, fine.

A-a-achoo!

[muttering]

- 'What'd he say, Barney?'
- He said..

[muttering]

I know, I know.
But what does it mean?

Well, he never should've
gone back in again

to save the darn hat
of Mr. Gypsum's.

[muttering]

Fred says, it seems to him
that J. Montague Gypsum

is spending an awful
long time in the tub.

What's he doing?
Steaming clams?

The poor man
has had a shock.

A nice warm bath
will relax him.

Help him to come out
of his shell.

[Gypsum singing]

There's no place like ho..

[Gypsum laughs]

Goodness! What's that?

That is the sound
of a happy steamed clam

coming out of its shell.

(Gypsum)
'Oh, sorry, I took so long.'

But I did want to spruce up
a bit for dinner.

I borrowed your robe
and razor, Ferdy.

But I think we'll be needing
some new blades.

[muttering]

Fred feels terrible,
Mr. Gypsum.

Well, if it's about
my hat, forget it.

He gave it a gallant try.
No hard feelings, old man.

I can always get
another fedora.

[coughing]

Nasty cough.
I don't like it.

Mrs. Flintstone,
do you have cloves

hot mustard, honey
and a good strong wine?

Oh, are you gonna fix Fred
a cough medicine?

(Gypsum)
'No, I thought I'd fix dinner.'

Have you ever had barbecued
brontosaurus on brochette?

It's one of my specialties.

'I'd like to prepare it
for you, if I may.'

It sounds delicious.

Well, take me
to your larder. Get it?

[laughing]

[gibbering]

I feel the same way, Fred.

(Fred)
'Wilma, where's the sports
section of the newspaper?'

(Wilma)
'I think Mr. Gypsum took it.'

(Fred)
'Wilma, where's the last bottle
of Rocky cola I was savin'?'

(Wilma)
'I think Montague took it.'

(Fred)
'Wilma, where's that magazine
I was reading?'

(Wilma)
'I think Monty took it.'

(Fred)
'Oh, Wilma, where's
that bottle of rat poison?'

(Wilma)
'Fred, you can't!'

(Fred)
'Well, he's taken
everything else!'

Yes, sir, I always say
a couple of good night's sleep

will straighten anybody out
except you, Fred.

[mumbling]

'Gee, your eyes look like'

'someone pried the covers
off two cans of red paint.'

'Hey, didn't you get any
sleep last night either?'

No.

(Barney)
'That's three nights runnin'.
You got insomnia.'

- No, I got a house guest.
- What's that gotta do with it?

Did you ever try sleeping
on a rocking chair

without a safety belt?

How come you slept
in a rocking chair?

Because, Wilma was sleepin'
on the couch.

How come Wilma was sleepin'
on the couch?

Because J. Montague Gypsum
was sleeping in both our beds.

Both beds? How come?

Because J.M. Gypsum got a bad
back from sleepin' on the couch

so now he has to sleep
on the bias across two beds

pushed together because
Wilma feels sorry for him

and because
I'm a big stupid nut!

Oh, but look
on the bright side, Fred.

You're very fortunate havin'

an ex doctor like him
lookin' out for you.

He better look out for me.

My patience is beginnin'
to wear thin.

Don't worry, Fred.

It'll take a long time for
any part of you to wear thin.

[laughing]

I feel so guilty, Wilma

playing badminton in the middle
of the afternoon like this.

Me too, Betty.
I should be cleaning house.

Nonsense, ladies. Work is
the curse of the thinking class.

'You need to escape
from drudgery.'

'It'd be nice if your husbands
took you dancing'

'or to a concert in the park,
or even to dinner.'

But I suppose they're too busy
with their club meetings

and poker parties
and bowling tournaments.

Too bad. Oh, well.
Ready, girls?

- 'Ready.'
- 'Ready.'

Okay, service.

You know, Wilma,
Monty's right.

The boys ought to
take us out more.

See, that was a good one.

Of course, Barney always
says he's tired.

Fred too. But they're never
too tired to go bowling.

thud

Clean return.

And even if they were
too tired to dance

they could take us
to a concert sometime

and just sit and listen.

Fred gets tired if he sits
too long, he says.

Your point. Bravo!

And what's wrong with taking us
out to dinner once in a while?

Ouch!

Fred doesn't like to dress up.
He says it looks funny.

Hey, that's smart.

Men! What about those
ridiculous large uniforms?

Now, cut that out!

Why don't we ask them to
take us out to dinner tonight?

They'll say
they're too pooped.

They're 20 years younger than
Monty and look how peppy he is.

I bet Monty
would take us out.

Yeah, if Fred gave him
the money.

Come on, lady. Watch it.

Why bother asking them?

Let's just plan to go out
to dinner tonight without them.

Sure. Who needs them?

Who needs this? Goodbye!

I'm sorry, ladies.
The bird flew the coop.

And that's just what
we're going to do.

Yes, and thank you, Mr. Gypsum,
for opening our cage.

Believe me, Barney.

Dinner just better be ready
and on the table.

I'm with you, Fred.

None of that crazy mixed-up food
that she makes for Gypsum.

Like jellied rock turtle
and baked glacier.

I don't want my soup cold,
my ice cream hot.

Ya hear me, Wilma?

knock-knock knock-knock

Wilma! Open this door!

Please watch that knocking.

I've an upside down
souffle in the oven

and you'll turn it
right-side-up.

- I'll upside down you, Gypsum.
- 'Temper, temper.'

Come on, open up or I'll..

[growling]

Uh-oh!

vroom

crash

That's tellin' her, Fred.

[humming]

- Alright. Where's Wilma?
- Oh, you're back.

You left in a hurry,
I didn't have a chance to tell.

Both of them left.

Mentioned something about
tired of being cooped up.

What did you say to Wilma?
You made 'em leave. You did it.

What are you
talking about, Ferdy?

(Fred)
'The name's Fred.'

'And I'm talking about my razor,
my aftershave lotion'

my smokes, my robe, my slippers
and a whole case of Rocky cola.

And when are you leaving?
That's what I'm talking about.

Dear boy, you have to expect
these little annoyances

when you have a house guest.

I find you quite
abominable too.

But let's make
the best of it, shall we?

We're both in this together.

What do you mean
both together?

(Gypsum)
'Don't you remember?
You saved my life, Ferdy.'

The name's Fred.

So, let's call it even.
You don't owe me anything.

Ah, but you owe me something.

I was perfectly willing
to jump off that bridge

'and you stopped me.'

'Therefore my life
is your responsibility.'

You mean, you're not
ever gonna leave?

Why should I? I've got food,
shelter and shaving lotion.

slurp

Everything I need,
but a pinch of oregano.

Waddle down to the store
and get me some, will you, Fred?

The name is Ferdy.

Hey, what are you
gonna do now?

Let him get his own oregano.

He's done you a favor, Fred.

He's made you appreciate
what a wonderful person

your mean old mother-in-law is.

[laughing]

Nothing could
make me laugh, Barney.

Hey, look, Fred.
There's an idea.

What idea?

(Barney)
'"Sporting Goods"
and "Hunters' Supplies."'

'Let's look in the window.'

'"Spear With Telescopic Sight."'

'Sure like to have that, Fred.'

'And here's one of them new
"Double Barreled Shot Clubs."'

'Oh, boy, that's beautiful.'

'Hey, look, for real big game.
Wow, some equipment, huh, Fred?'

So what?

Oh, sorry, Fred.
Just trying to be helpful.

We'll have to think
of something else.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, Fred.

Hey, let's kill some time
in the Aquarium.

I'm with you, Fred.

"Man-eating Barracuspid.
Do not feed."

'Pretty fierce lookin',
huh, Fred?'

(Fred)
'Hmm.'

(Barney)
'Fred?'

What do you think?

Nah! After seeing
Gypsum tear up

ten pounds
of stegosaurus steak Friday

I wouldn't give this fish
an even chance with him.

Gee, Fred, I'm sorry
I couldn't think of anything

to get rid of Gypsum.

That's okay, Barney. He's my
problem. I'm stuck with him.

Well, it's pretty late, Fred.
The girls oughta be back my now.

'Guess, I'll go home
and get yelled at.'

- 'I'll see you, Fred.'
- Goodnight, Barney.

(Wilma)
'Good morning.'

Oh, that you, Wilma?

Yes, Fred Flintstone.
This is your wife, remember?

Where have you been all night?

Oh, just walking around,
thinking.

Where'd you and Betty go?
Did you have a nice time?

Awful. We missed you boys.
I'm sorry we ran out on you.

Really? Well, I'm sorry
I yelled at you.

I don't remember
you yelling at me.

Well, you weren't here,
but I did.

[laughing]

(both)
I'm sorry.

It's late. I've got your
rocking chair made up for you.

Thanks, Wilma.

The mystery guest
asleep already?

He left an early call
for 11:30 a.m.

He's got to get to work early.

- What?
- 'On a new crossword puzzle.'

I got a couple
of cross words for him.

You know, Betty and I
were thinking, Fred.

And we think Monty
is becoming a lot of trouble.

'Yeah.'

Something else,
I don't wanna upset you.

But we think Monty
is a confidence man.

No.

Yep. And we bet that if you had
let him jump off that bridge

he wouldn't have
jumped off that bridge

if you hadn't pushed him.

And we think, Monty thinks,
you think you owe him a living

'because you think you saved
his miserable life.'

I think you're right.

So, we figured out a way
to get even with him.

How?

'He's got to save
your miserable life.'

'And then you don't
owe him anything.'

Yeah.

But suppose he doesn't wanna
save your miserable life, Fred?

Don't be silly.

Wilma's got it figured out
that if anything happens to me

he loses his meal ticket.

So he has to save me.

That's a pretty big rock
to play with.

Sounds dangerous to me.

Now, now, I can get out
of the way. There's no danger.

Not to you, to me.

I'm awfully shrimpy to be
pushing all that weight.

I got it all figured out
scientifically.

It's perfectly balanced, see?

I even put an X right here
where you nudge it.

- Just a nudge there, huh?
- Right.

And then when the boulder
gets rolling good

down into the gravel pit
where I'm workin'--

Monty sees his meal ticket
about to be canceled

and yells "Look out!"

Then I jump out of the way.
Gypsum save my life.

We're even and I don't
owe him a living anymore.

Now you have Montague up here

as the noon whistle blows,
right?

Okay. Let's synchronize
the sundials.

I got 10:35. What do you got?

A migraine headache.

I hope you're not just wasting
my valuable time, friend.

Oh, no, Mr. Montague.

I thought you'd be
interested in seeing

where your meal ticket,
I mean Fred works.

(Gypsum)
Work nauseates me.
I couldn't care less.

Well, right over is where
you can see best, Monty.

You brought me all the way here
just to look way down there?

You see all those tiny little
dots that look like ants?

That big fat little dot
is good old Fred.

I bet you'd have to yell pretty
loud to have him hear you.

Yes, sir. Pretty loud.

That's what I said,
"Pretty loud."

What are you doing?

Uh, uh, push outs.
They're like push-ups.

O-only out, far out.

You know..

[grunting]

Everybody's doing them,
you wanna help do a few?

[whistling]

The noon whistle. Good.

I think I'll go down and share
my life partner's lunch.

- I'm hungry.
- Mr. Monty, wait, wait..

Uh, ah, ah, achoo!

rumble

Uh-oh!

(Barney)
'Hey, Monty, when you
get down there'

'tell Fred to get out
of the way!'

Why, friend? Why?

Never mind. I see why!

He-e-elp!

Help! How do I get off
this thing?

It's comin'. I hear it.
Come on, Monty boy.

Save my life.

(Gypsum)
'Look out, Ferdy. Look out!'

Yikes!

Mr. Slate, Mr. Slate!

Flintstone! Cut out the
horseplay during lunch hour.

Look out, boss.
Look out!

How do you stop it?

crash

Hello? Hello?

Anybody home?

[indistinct muttering]

Mr. Montague, that was
the most amazing display

of self-sacrifice
I've ever seen.

Rolling the huge boulder
into that pit

to save the life
of one of my employees.

I shan't ever forget it.

Nothing is too good
for you, nothing.

Yep, we've heard the last
of that good-for-nothin'.

The boss promised Monty a job
and a nice home to live in

until he recovers.

[laughs]

Oh, boy! Slate will
never get rid of him.

knock-knock

I'll get it.

Glad you're here,
Flintstone.

I've always considered your
little home the happiest I know.

And so, I give you today,
the hero who saved your life.

'Better be good to him, Fred.
You owe him your future.'

'I just made
Gypsum your foreman.'

My for..

[muttering]

Oh, I'm awfully sorry,
Mr. Slate.

It's a shame
we can't keep him.

But you see,
we'll have no room

in our happy home
for Mr. Gypsum.

We're expecting an addition
to our family very shortly.

Why, Mrs. Flintstone.
Fred didn't even tell me.

She didn't even tell me.

I was keeping it as a surprise.

But soon there'll be
another mouth to feed.

Hey, how about that?

Well, in that case,
I'm sure Mr. Gypsum understands.

Don't you?

[gibbering]

(Mr. Slate)
'Yes, he seems to comprehend.'

I'll take him back to my house.
I'm sure he'll be no trouble.

He can sleep in my room
until he gets to work.

Sorry to have bothered you folks
and congratulations.

Wilma darling,
is it true?

We're gonna have
an addition to the family?

Another mouth to feed?
A chubby bundle of fun?

Yes, Fred. I just got
the telegram this morning.

My mother is coming
to visit us for a few months.

Congratulations, Fred.

Soon you're gonna have
a little 209 pound stranger

runnin' your castle.

That's alright.
Glad to have her.

You sure she won't be
a thorn in your side, Fred?

So what?

I'd sooner have that
thorn in my side

than that pain-in-the-neck
in my hair. He he, ha ha ha.

[theme music]

[yawns]

thud

bam

bam

Wilma!

bang bang bang

Wilma!

Come on, Wilma.
Open this door!

Wilma!