The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 2, Episode 22 - Operation Barney - full transcript

Hey, you the desk nurse?

No, I'm Lady Godiva
and this is a kissing booth.

Where is Mr. Rubble's room?

He's in 102.
Who are you, fatso

a deceased relative
or something?

No, I'm a deceased pal
and I gotta see him.

Sorry, buster.

Hey, what's the big idea?

(desk nurse)
'No visitors.'

You know what this means, right?
We'll miss the ball game.

Well, I'm not much
for ball games



but if you behave yourself,
we can take in a movie tonight.

Oh, boy.

(desk nurse)
'Now look, buddy,
rules are rules.'

And it's only fair
to warn you that I know judo.

If you pull that again,
I'll have to bounce you

out of here, you understand?

- Yes, ma'am.
- 'Gangway! Emergency case!'

We're taking this one right up
to the operating room, nurse.

[theme music]

[honking]

[whistling]

[siren wailing]

[whistles]

screech



screech

crash

slam

[music continues]

[water gurgling]

Fred, breakfast is ready!

You better hurry
or you'll be late for work.

(Fred)
'Relax, Wilma.
There's lots of time.'

I'm just startin'
my morning exercises.

'Well, remember,
you have to pick up Barney.'

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know, I know.

[grunting]

wham

There. That oughta do it.

Maybe tomorrow
I'll try two of 'em.

No use rushin'
these things, you know.

A guy can get
muscle-bound or something.

I fixed this
soft-boiled pterodactyl egg

but you'll have to hurry.

Stop worryin', Wilma.
I got plenty of time.

Now, where's the morning paper?

'Still on the porch, I guess.'

Hey, Dino. Fetch the paper,
boy. Bring the paper.

[barking]

whoosh

screech

Attaboy, Dino!
Put it right here, boy.

Oh, great. Now how am I gonna
find the sports section?

It's just as well , Fred.
It's almost 8 o'clock.

- You better get going.
- 'What is it with you wives?'

If we're home,
you tell us to get out.

If we're out, you want us home.
No wonder husbands go batty.

Well, some wives worry
about their husbands.

Don't worry about me.
I know what I'm doing.

mwah

So long, Wilma.

(Fred)
Bye, Dino. Be a good boy.

You know what you're doing,
sure you do.

- Now hurry before you're late.
- Alright, quit rushin' me.

I'll see you tonight. Goodbye.

[door slams]

[sighs]
Every morning
it's the same thing.

Come on, Dino,
let's have breakfast.

[barking]

Boy, if there's one thing I
can't stand, it's to be rushed.

Okay, Barney!

honk honk honk

You got ten seconds
before the Flintstone Express

leaves for the salt mines.

I'm ready, Freddy.
I'll be right with you.

Make it snappy. I don't wanna
miss my coffee break.

Open the door, Betty.
And hold my lunch pail.

Barney, yesterday
you left in such a hurry

you forgot to kiss me goodbye.

Oh, uh, I-I'm sorry, dear.

Barney, wait,
you forgot to kiss me again.

I'll give you two
when I come home. Goodbye.

[imitating Barney]
I'll give you two
when I get home.

Big deal.

- Hiya, Fred.
- Mornin', Barney.

Beautiful day, huh, pal?

Naturally. It's a working day.

I can think of a lot better ways
to spend it than workin'.

Like, maybe bowlin'
a couple of hundred games?

Or fishin' all afternoon.

How about watching some of them
daytime soap operas on TV?

No, no, no. There's something
about this time of year

that makes a man
feel...restless.

Hey, you know
what they say, Fred.

In the spring,
a young man's fancy

turns to thoughts of baseball.

Yeah, that's right.

The Bedrock Boulders play
a doubleheader this afternoon.

[chuckling]
Boy, would I like see that!

Oh-ho, me too.
It's a shame we gotta work.

You know
I don't like to brag, Barney.

'Oh, yeah. I know that, Fred.'

But back in the old days,
I used to be quite a pitcher.

You're quite
a pitcher now, Fred.

[chuckling]

- A fat, round one.
- Droll, very droll.

Around school
I was known as Fireball Freddy.

Yeah, no kiddin'.

I always thought
you majored in hooky.

[chuckling]

[imitating Barney chuckling]

Keep it up, pal, and you'll
find yourself walkin' to work.

Or limpin'.

Oh, Fred, I-I'm sorry, Fred.

I was only kiddin'.

ting

[chuckling]

Hey, Barney,
you remember the time

I practically
won a game single-handed?

Oh, yeah,
I remember that game.

Our team was winnin'
32 to nothing

with two out in the last
of the ninth inning.

So the coach figured
it was safe to let you pitch.

That's right,
and I won the game.

Uh-huh.
You won the game, alright, Fred.

By a score of 32 to 31.

Yup, it was
a regular pitcher's duel.

screech

What's the matter, Fred?
Why are you stoppin'?

Barney, I'm gonna see
that ball game today

and I ain't gonna see it alone.

Oh, I know, Fred.

They show it to a couple
of thousand people at a time.

'I know that, bubblehead.'

'What I mean is, you and me
are gonna go see that game.'

But how can we?
We gotta go to work.

That's what you think.

But I got a brilliant scheme
to get out of work.

- 'You're gonna quit, Fred?'
- You wanna see the game or not?

Well, sure, Fred, uh..

...but I've seen your
brilliant schemes work before

and I don't know.

Well, this one is different.
Now come on, let's get started.

Hey, what are you
gonna do, Fred?

It's very simple.
We call up our bosses

and tell 'em we're sick.
And ba-ba-ba-boo!

Just like that
we're at the ball game.

Ooh, that is
a brilliant idea. Very shrewd.

- But what about our wives?
- What about 'em?

We'll be back for dinner,
they won't know a thing.

I'm tellin' ya,
it's foolproof, Barney.

Oh-ho, I gotta
hand it to you, Fred.

I just don't know how you do it.

(Fred)
'Brains, pal, brains.'

And all I got is good looks.

[chuckling]

Now, eh, listen
to the old master, Barney

'cause you're gonna
have to do the same thing.

Ahem.

Hello?
Rockhead Quarry Company?

[coughing]
Mr. Slate...please.

Mr. Slate, this is..

[coughing]

...Fred Flintstone,
Mr. Slate. I was..

[coughing]

...calling to-to..

No, no, Flintstone. F-L-I-N-T..

Yeah, yeah,
Fred Flintstone, that's me. I..

[coughing]

I came down with a bad cold
this morning, Mr. Slate.

'And I thought I better
stay home in bed today.'

'That is, if you can spare me?'

You can? Anytime?

Well, thank you, sir.
I'll take care of myself.

Well, I'll take care
of myself anyway. So long.

You see, Barney? You just let
the boss know who's boss.

Now call yours
and give him the same pitch.

I-I don't know, Fred. I never
could pitch it as good as you.

Uh, I'm-I'm nervous.

Remember to cough
a little to make it sound good.

Okay, Fred,
but I don't think it'll work.

Sure it will.
Just keep cool.

'Shh, he-he's on the phone now.'

Uh, hello, Mr. Pebble.

Uh, this is Fred Flintstone..

...I-I mean,
Barney Rubble. I, uh..

[coughing]

I was on my way
to work this morning..

...and, uh,
I-I was just wondering, uh..

[coughing]

...uh, that is, uh..
I, uh..

[whispering]
Psst, psst! You have a cold.

[Barney]
'Oh, yeah. I was just wondering
if-if I could have a cold.'

I mean, I-I don't feel well.

I-I got dizzy spells..

[coughing]

...and chills..

...and-and I got, uh,
spots in front of my eyes.

That's great, Barney.
Keep it up.

(Barney)
'I, uh..
What, sir? Uh-huh.'

'Yeah, I-I will, sir.
Eh, goodbye, sir.'

What'd he say?
What'd he say?

He said as long as
I was on my way to work

to come in and report
to the company nurse.

- Now I'm in for it.
- Relax, pal, relax.

All you gotta do is give
the nurse the same sick routine.

Lots of coughing, a few sneezes,
and she sends you home.

- Uh, you know somethin', Fred?
- 'What?'

I think I'm gettin'
sick of the whole thing.

screech

Well, here we are, Barney.

Make it snappy
so we can get to the ball game.

I-I'm kinda scared, Fred.

What if the nurse
finds out I'm not sick?

No one's gonna find out.
Just go in there and act sick.

Who's acting?

So I says
to this first doctor

I says, "You're quite
an operator, ain't you?"

Honestly, Shirley,
he was worse

than some
of the characters around here.

And you know how they are.

Always coming in
with some phony ailment

just because
I've got a pretty face.

Uh, uh, pardon me, nurse.

Uh, Mr. Pebble
told me to drop in.

I'll have
to hang up now, Shirl.

Another one
of those clods just walked in.

Oh, hello, Mr. Rubble.
I've been expecting you.

Well, I can come back
later if you're busy.

'Come right in, Mr. Rubble.'

That was Shirley
on the switchboard.

She's a regular busybody.

Now, what seems
to be the trouble?

Well, I, uh,
I think I'm catchin' a cold.

[coughing]

So, uh, Mr. Pebble said..

'We can't tell a thing
until we get your temperature.'

'Now, you wait here
while I get the needle.'

N-n-needle?

What's takin' that guy so long?
We're gonna miss the ball game.

Barney's a good guy,
but he's the poorest excuse

for makin' an excuse
I ever knew.

I better hurry him up.

Psst! Hey, Barney,
what are you doin'

with that thing in your mouth?

'We haven't got all day.'

Well, the nurse
is takin' my temperature, Fred

and she's gonna find out
I ain't sick.

We'll fix that.
Come over here.

Uh, what are you gonna do, Fred?

Raise your temperature
a few points with this lighter.

clink

(Fred)
Here.

There, that oughta do it.

(nurse)
'Oh, Mr. Rubble..'

...will you please
raise your left arm?

[stammering]
What are you gonna do
with that thing?

Oh, now don't tell me you
never had a blood test before.

B-b-blood test?

[groaning]

thud

Men are such sissies.

Oh, well.
It'll be easier this way.

pop

Uh, 312 degrees.

Three hundred
and twelve degrees! Yikes!

Shirley, quick,
send an ambulance!

It's Mr. Rubble,
he's in terrible shape!

Come on, Barney, come on.
We'll miss the whole ball game.

[siren wailing]

[tires screeching]

That's what I get
for invitin' him along.

He probably chickened out
and sneaked back to work

while I wait here.

Well, I ain't gonna
wait much longer.

Who needs him anyhow?

- Hiya, Fred.
- Hiya, Barney.

Barney!

Now what's he tryin' to pull?

screech

What are you doing? Tryin'
to make me miss the ball game?

Do somethin', Fred. They're
takin' me to the hospital.

You gotta get me out of this.

That's Barney for you.

Always gettin' himself in a jam

and expecting good ol' Fred
to bail him out.

You know, Fred certainly was
in a hurry this morning, Wilma.

He must be getting
restless in his old age.

Yeah, I know, Betty.
It happens every spring.

- When the Boulders are in town.
- Boulders?

- The Bedrock baseball team.
- 'Oh.'

Fred's a big fan.

He just loves
sitting in the bleachers

and eating brontosaurus burgers.

[screeching]

When baseball season arrives

it's like having a 250 pound
little leaguer around the house.

[telephone ringing]

(Wilma)
'I'll get it.'

Hello?

Oh, yes, she's here.

It's for you, Betty.
It's Barney's boss.

Mr. Pebble?
I wonder what's wrong.

Hello, Mr. Pebble.
This is Mrs. Rubble.

What?

My Barney's in the hospital?

Well, I'll get over
there right away!

Barney's in the Rockopedic
Hospital with a high fever.

Oh, that's terrible, Betty.
Let's get over there right away.

screech

[intense music]

Hey, you the desk nurse?

No, I'm Lady Godiva
and this is a kissing booth.

Look, I got no time
for amateur comedians.

Where is Mr. Rubble's room?

He's in 102.
Who are you, fatso

a deceased relative
or something?

No, I'm a deceased pal
and I gotta see him.

Sorry, buster.

Hey, what's the big idea?

(desk nurse)
'No visitors.'

You know what this means, right?
We'll miss the ball game.

Well, I'm not much
for ball games

but if you behave yourself
we can take in a movie tonight.

Oh, boy.

(desk nurse)
'Now look, buddy,
rules are rules.'

And it's only fair
to warn you that I know judo.

Now, just sit here quietly
and you won't get hurt.

If you pull that again,
I'll have to bounce you

out of here, you understand?

Yes, ma'am.

[siren wailing]

Gangway! Emergency case!

We're taking this one up
to the operating room, nurse.

Go ahead, Charlie.

Hot dog, I made it!
Now to rescue Barney.

We still got time
to catch the first inning.

I guess Fred must've gone
to the ball game without me.

I better get back to work
and confess to Mr. Pebble.

Here it is, room 102.

slam

Ooh, you numbskull!

What's the idea
slammin' me with the door?

Fred, you're here.

Oh, I didn't think you'd
make it, and I was just leavin'.

Well, you can't
just walk out of here.

The halfback at the desk
will throw you right back in.

Now get back in there. I got
an idea to get us both out.

Okay, Fred.

(Fred)
'All set, Barney?'

[Barney chuckling]
'Yeah, Fred. You look cute.'

(Fred)
'Quiet. And here goes..'

[wheels squeaking]

Now just lie still
and I'll wheel you right past

the desk
and out the front door.

[Fred imitating woman]
'You're doing fine, Mr. Rubble.'

We'll take a ride around the
grounds and get some fresh air.

Wow, what a homely nurse.

We made it, Fred.
We're outside.

Yeah, and with any luck,
we'll still see that ball game.

[chuckling]

I gotta hand it to you, Fred.

- You--
- Yikes!

screech

Look! It's Wilma and Betty!

(Fred)
'If they catch us, we're sunk!'

Hold on, Barney!

Hey, I wonder
what they're doing here.

Somebody must've
tipped Betty off

like your double-crossin' boss.

We gotta hide
back in the hospital.

screech

Now, you wait here while
I climb out of this outfit.

Hurry up, Fred.
I-I'm scared.

Mr. Rubble, what are you doing
in the maternity ward?

I, uh..
I, uh..

You better not try to talk,
Mr. Rubble.

And don't worry,
we'll take good care of you.

Of course,
with a 312 degree temperature

we'll have to operate.

- Operate?
- 'Naturally.'

We're bringing in our Viennese
specialist, Dr. Sliprock.

Sli-Sli-Sli-Sliprock?

'Oh, he's very good.'

Uh, first, he'll start with
a collateral of the clavicle

and do an exploratory soldering
of the paraphernalia delicti.

Then, if you're
still around, he'll..

Eh, help!

L-let me out of here!

Boy, he's worse off
than I thought!

Somebody oughta call a doctor.
We interns can't do everything.

Hey, Mr. Rubble!
Mr. Rubble, come back!

Now you wait here,
Mrs. Rockslide

and I'll get your room ready.

Thank you, nurse.

screech

Okay, the coast is clear.

We can slip out
the window together

and be gone
before anyone catches on.

Help!
There's a masher loose!

Oh, boy!

There he goes! Help! Help!

'Somebody call the police!'

slam

Oh, that Barney,
he gets me in more trouble--

Hiya, Fred.

Barney,
what are you doin' in here?

You were supposed
to be on that table.

Sorry, Fred,
but they was gonna operate on me

and I ain't got
a hospital plan.

Well, we gotta
get you back in room 102

before Betty
and Wilma get there.

'Well, how, Fred?'

Same way I got you out.
Back on the table.

Okay, Barney. Now you stay here
until I figure out what to do.

What do I tell Betty
if she comes?

Tell her you got laryngitis
and can't talk.

Fred, what are you doing here?
Why aren't you at work?

I uh..
That is, I-I-I..

slam

You've been
a naughty boy, Mr. Rubble.

'I've been looking
all over for you.'

After all, a patient
with a 312 degree temperature

shouldn't be running around.

Besides,
we're ready to operate now.

Operate?

They're gonna operate
on my Barney? For what?

What's going on, Fred?

Uh, excuse me, girls.
I gotta say gaboo, uh, goodbye.

Uh, I-I mean,
good luck to-to Barney.

Poor Fred
is almost hysterical.

Let's go find somebody that
knows what this is all about.

screech

(Barney)
'I'm telling you,
it's all a mistake.'

'Uh, uh, I really fine.'

(male intern)
'Sure you do,
Mr. Rubble. Sure you do.'

Now, just relax.

Dr. Sliprock
will be here in a minute

and we'll start the operation.

Shee! They're
really gonna operate!

How does Barney let himself
get me into jams like this?

Alright, everybody!
Clear the decks!

Dr. Sliprock has arrived!

Where is this Mr. Rubble?

The patient with
the 312 degrees temperature.

They're all waiting
for you in the operating room

down the hall, doctor.

Three hundred
and twelve degrees!

Boy, that's a hot one!

[Dr. Sliprock laughing]

Poor Barney!

It's all my fault for
wantin' to go to the ball game.

I can't let them do
this to my little pal.

- Barney would never forgive me.
- 'Hey, you, intern!'

- Huh? Who me?
- Who else?

Where is the operating room?

Uh...the operating room.

Are you Dr. Sliprock?

Well, I ain't the
Viennese delegation to the UN.

Is everything ready
for the operation

'on this Rubble guy?'

Uh...yeah, yeah.

Just follow me, doc.

[chuckling]

Maybe we better
have a look at you, too.

That's an awful big pot
you have there.

Right through this door, doc.

I'll see you later.

Better let me give you something
for that stomach.

slam

Now, to help Barney.

Hmm, it's kind of dark in here.

But I guess that's the way
they work in this country.

The patient is getting nervous.

We better start
without Dr. Sliprock.

[stammering]
I-I don't think he's comin'.

Uh, so can I leave
and come back tomorrow?

[Fred imitating Dr. Sliprock]
Hold everything!

Especially the operation.

The great Dr. Sliprock
will now start.

Everybody stand back.

'Out of the way, you amateurs.'

- Give me zome elbow room here.
- Oh, hiya, Fred.

[whispering]
Quiet, you numbskull.

Do you know the patient, doctor?

'Well, naturally.'

[chuckling]
Us doctors, we gotta keep
track of all ze diseases.

Und I've had my eye on this one
for a long, long time.

Make it look good, Barney.

Give me some ouches and ooches,
and then I'll get you out.

Uh, right, Fred. But, uh,
don't make it look too good.

Und now I start.

Umm, ahem, eh, scalpel?

(male #1)
Scalpel.

- What's that?
- 'The scalpel, Dr. Sliprock.'

Never touch them.

Give me a monkey wrench instead.

- A monkey wrench?
- 'Yeah, a monkey wrench.'

'What's the matter? You flunked
medical school or zomething?'

Okay, you're the specialist.

Dr. Sliprock has
very unusual techniques.

Yeah, that's how it is
with geniuses.

Remember, Barney,
a couple of oohs and ouches.

Ooh! Ouch! Ow!
A-ooch! Ooh! Eeks!

Aye! Ooh! Ouch!
Ow! Oh-h!

Oh, I-I feel so much better

knowing they have
a specialist for Barney.

He's in good hands, Betty.

The nurse said Dr. Sliprock
is one of the best.

Oh, poor Barney.

[sniffling]
Taking it all so calmly.

Just as if he were
only going to a ball game.

[sobbing]

There you are, Mr. Rubble.
All cured. How do you feel?

Oh, I feel fine, doc,
but my nose feels awful.

Zimply a post-operation
reaction.

I better take you home now
und present you with the bill.

Absolutely amazing.

Applies a wrench to the patient
and cures him in two minutes.

Yeah, and even escorts him home
to collect his fee.

Uh, good day, gentlemen.

I'll, uh,
zee you in medical journals.

Get goin', Barney,
right out the front door.

- Fred!
- Barney! You're all cured!

Fred, where are you going?

No time to explain now, Wilma.

We'll tell you
all about it when we get home.

And you mean to say
you went through

all that trouble
to see a ball game?

Fred Flintstone, you should be
ashamed of yourself.

Yeah, I know.

It wasn't just any ball game,
it was a doubleheader.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, Mr. Pebble.

Uh, Barney?
Well, he seems okay.

All except his nose.

[chuckling]

Mm-hmm. Uh..

Oh, yes. Oh, sure.
I'll tell him, Mr. Pebble.

Goodbye.

That was Mr. Pebble, your boss.

And he has
a message for you, Barney.

Well? Well, what did he say?

Well, it seems that doubleheader
you tried so hard to see..

...is tonight.

'And he had two extra tickets
that he wanted to give you.'

'But you got sick,
so he gave them away.'

Oh, no!

Well, it looks like

you outsmarted
yourself again, Fred.

Congratulations.

Hey, we still got time
to make the game, Barney.

How about it, girls?
Can we go?

Well, what do you think, Betty?

Sure.

[chuckling]
If they take us.

Yabba-dabba-doo!

Come on, girls, the
brontosaurus burgers are on me.

Believe me, Wilma,
I've learned my lesson.

No more playin' hooky for me.

Promises, promises, Fred.
All you do is make promises.

But this one,
Wilma, I'm gonna keep.

[laughing]

[theme music]

[yawning]

[bottles clinking]

slam

Wilma!

Wilma!

Come on, Wilma.
Open this door!

Wi-i-l-ma!