The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 2, Episode 21 - Impractical Joker - full transcript

Barney's plan to put a stop to Fred's practical jokes may backfire.

There it is, Fred.

It's my extra
money makin' machine.

Eh, watch.

We give this a few turns.

Then open this little door here.

[Barney chuckling]

There we are.
Nice and fresh.

How's that, Fred?
Pretty tricky, huh?

Barney, let me see that thing.

Oh, no, no.
Not this one, Fred.

It's still wet.

Come over here
into the dryin' room.

I keep a low fire
goin' in here.

The hot dry air
dries them evenly.

No ink runs.


Just feel the quality
of that money.

I use a better grade
than the government.

When people
get used to my money

they won't accept any another.

- Eesh!
- Eh, what's the matter, Fred?

Barney, are you
out of your mind?

'Why, Fred?'

You, Barney Rubble,
you are a counterfeiter.

[theme music]



[siren wailing]



[music continues]




[music continues]

[pleasant music]

What do you mean, Barney

you got the grass mowin'
record licked.

Well, it works like this, Fred.

I get the grass soaked on good.

Then when Betty tells me
to mow the lawn

I tell her it's too wet.


Yeah, it cuts down
on the mowin', alright.

- Uh-oh.
- What's the matter, Barney boy?

'The water stopped
comin' out.'

Looks like the hose
is plugged up.

Shaking it won't do any good.

Blow it out, Barney.

Hey, good idea, Fred.





You're lucky, Barney.. have such a good friend..

...who knows first aid.

You sipped a lot of water.

I'm-I'm sick and tired..

...of your corny
practical jokes..

...all the time, Fred.

Oh, stop beefin', Barney.

Where's your sense of humor?

Like cuttin' the hammock rope
when I was in it.


Then there was the time
you gave me the hotfoot

while I was fixin' my watch.

And the time I put cement in
the holes of your bowlin' ball.

Boy, that was a great one!


Hey, where you goin', Barney?

I got somethin' to do.

'Boy, what a sorehead.'

You know, Wilma, that Barney
next-door is gettin' old.

- Getting old?
- Yeah.

I think
I'll get a new best friend.

One with a sense of humor,
not an old grouch.

Barney happens to be a little
younger than you are, Fred.

Oh, yeah, countin' years, maybe.
But not in spirit.

I am the young-at-heart type.

Fun loving, good company..

- Soft in the head.
- Soft in the head.

- Blowhard.
- Blowhard.

Hey, cut that out, Wilma!


Now you listen to me, Fred.

I can tell you've
had trouble with Barney

and probably over one
of your corny practical jokes.

Why don't you stop
with the gags, Fred?

There's nothing funny
about them.

You don't see Barney
acting juvenile like you.

Oh, yeah?

Barney just doesn't have
the brains to figure out

a funny gag like I can.

Okay, Fred.
Now open your eyes.


Barney, what are you doing?

I'm figurin' out a practical
joke to play on Fred.

It ends like this.

Okay, Fred,
open your eyes.


Barney, you put that club away.

Well, it's only
a practical joke.

You are not going to sock Fred
with that club

as much as he deserves it.

But Fred's played hundreds
of practical jokes on me.

Not once did I ever
play one back, not once.

That's right, Barney.

I thought Fred would get tired
when I used passive resistance..

...but he didn't.
He's gotta be stopped, Betty.

Well, I'll have to admit
you're right, Barney.

- You do?
- Yes.

But it'll have to be something
strong enough to make him quit.

Well, uh,
maybe you're right, Betty.

- I'll get a bigger club.
- No, nothing like that.

It's gotta be..
It's gotta be something

that'll cure him
of practical jokes forever.

Uh, somethin' special, eh?

Well, let's put
our heads together.


It won't help us think,
but it sure is cozy.

[both chuckling]

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it, Betty.

(male #1)
'Mr. Rubble?'

- Mr. Barney Rubble?
- Yeah, that's right.

Are you the Barney Rubble
who sent in a jingle

in the Sudsy Wudsy Soap Contest?

I'm the Barney Rubble
who enters all the contests.

Sends in box tops,
slogans, 25 words or less.. many faces
can you find in this picture?

etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

'He's also the Barney Rubble
who never wins anything.'

You may have won first prize
in the Sudsy Wudsy Contest.

If you can prove it by reciting
the jingle you sent in.

Uh, Sudsy Wudsy, hmm.

'Think hard, Barney.'

I'm tryin',
but there were so many.

Let's see, uh, Sudsy Wudsy..

Come, Mr. Rubble,
do you know it?

I got it.

If you scrub with Sudsy Wudsy

you'll wash away
the mudsy wudsy.

'That's it!
You're the winner, Mr. Rubble.'

And here
are 500 brand new bills

fresh from
the government printing press.

Boy, 500 brand new smackeroos!

Oh, thank you
very much, mister.

Yeah, thanks a million,
or at least, 500.


Don't thank me.
You've earned it.

Wash away the mudsy wudsy.
Oh, brother!

Half for you
and half for me, Betty.

- Isn't this wonderful, Barney?
- Sure is.

Wash away the mudsy wudsy

Skiddledee doo-doo-doo

Fudsy wudsy


What is it, my rich, rich wife?

Do you know what
I'm gonna do with my half?

'Buy a spotted leopard stole
trimmed with mastodon whiskers?'

No. I'm going right out
to buy you a real nice present

for your birthday tomorrow.

Gee, Betty, I forgot
I had a birthday comin' up.

'And I want you to make up
with Fred by then, too.'

Oh, yeah. Fred.

- Hey, Betty, just a minute.
- 'What is it, Barney?'

I just got an idea
for a practical joke on Fred.

This is a sure-fire way to cure
him of his practical jokes.

'Hey, remember the man said,
"500 brand new bills'

fresh from the government
printing press"?

Mm-hmm, but what?

Well, uh, I'll have to have
your help to pull it off, Betty.

Okay, but
I'll have to know what it is.


Of course,
wait till you hear this.

It's a pip.
A real ringer dinger.

Eh, now, here's the gag.

Eh, pardon me,
but this is such a gasser

I can't take any chances
of Fred findin' out about it.


- You're kidding.
- No, no, listen.



W-what do you say, Betty?
Will you help me?

Well, okay.

Good. Go over
to Fred and Wilma's

and get things started
like I told you.

And I'll get things ready
down in the basement.

If you scrub
with the Sudsy Wudsy

You wash away
the mudsy wudsy

Skiddly doo-doo-doo



Betty, you haven't sat still
five minutes since you got here.

That's the fifth time
you've looked out that window.

Are you expecting someone?

I thought I heard
a police car coming this way.

A police car?

Why are you worried
about a police car?

'Oh, I'm not worried
for myself.'

'I'm worried for Barney.'

'Worried for Barney?'

Do you wanna tell me
about it, Betty?

Well, it would make me
feel better, I guess.

He always goes down in the
basement and locks the door

and he does something
down there for hours.

I'm sure he's up to
something illegal

or else he'd tell me about it.

Oh, you're just
imagining things, Betty.

Oh, no, he's up to something.
And I'm afraid that..

- Oh! Was that a police siren?
- No, it wasn't.

Calm down, Betty.
I'm sure it's nothing.

But if you'd feel better

I'll have Fred
take a look over there.

Oh, that would be fine.

- Oh, Fred!
- You called, honey?

Yes, and what delayed you?

Oh, I just happened
to be crawling by.

Okay, Fred.
Since you've been tuned in

on what we're talking about,
run over and see what Barney

is doing in the basement,
so Betty can stop worrying.

Okay, glad to do it
for you, Betty.

'And for once, Fred,
no practical jokes.'

Okay, okay.

You'll see it's nothing
when Fred comes back.

- Uh, Wilma..
- What is it, Betty?

I feel like a heel
telling you a fib.

This whole thing is a gag that
Barney wants to pull on Fred.

And I went along with it,
because I promised Barney

I would.

So, call Fred back
and tell him, Wilma.


- Hmm?
- I'll do no such thing.

It's about time
Barney gave Fred a taste

of his own medicine.

Maybe it'll cure Fred of that
practical joke thing he's got.

Oh, gee, Wilma,
I'm glad you're not mad.


That's a laugh.

Barney doin' something illegal
down in his basement.

He always throws in
an extra ten bucks

when he pays his income tax,
just to make sure.

I'll just peek
in Barney's basement window

and check what's goin' on.

Yeah. He's there.
I see a light.

Hey, Barney, what you..

Why, that..

Alright, Barney, open up.

Open the door!

- 'Are you alone, Fred?'
- Of course I'm alone.

Open up that door!

Okay, Fred, come in.
Lock up after you're in.

'Well, what's new, Fred?'

What's new?
That's what I wanna know.

What are you doing
down here?

- Can you keep a secret, Fred?
- I can keep a secret, Fred.

Remember how we used
to sit around and wish

we could make
some extra money, Fred?

Of course, I do.

Well, I'm not wishin'
for extra money anymore

I'm makin' it.

Really? And just what are you
doin' to make extra money?

I'll show you, Fred.

Promise you'll keep this quiet?

Yes, yes. Get on with it!

Well, there it is, Fred.

'There is what?'

What's so great about that?

'It's my extra
money makin' machine.'

Eh, watch.

We give this a few turns.

Then open
this little door here.

[Barney chuckling]

There we are.
Nice and fresh.

How's that, Fred?
Pretty tricky, huh?

Barney, let me see that thing.

Oh, no, no.
Not this one, Fred.

It's still wet.

Come over here
into the dryin' room.

'You can look at one there.'

I keep a low fire goin' in here.

The hot dry air dries them
evenly. No ink runs.


Here, Fred, just feel
the quality of that money.

I use a better grade
than the government.

When people
get used to my money

they won't accept any other.

- Eesh!
- Eh, what's the matter, Fred?

Barney, are you
out of your mind?

'Why, Fred?'

You, Barney Rubble,
you are a counterfeiter.

Oh, Fred, you promised
you'd keep it quiet.

Now, Barney, believe me,
you're headed for trouble.

No matter how good
this money looks

they'll nail you the minute
you try to pass it, understand?


I understand.

You're tryin' to muscle in,
but it won't work, Fred.

I've got a good thing
goin' here and I'm keepin' it.

Go build your own machine.

Here's a couple
of samples to go by.

No, no. I-I don't want 'em.
Let me get out of here.


Fred oughta be back any minute
now with the big news.

Yeah, that Barney
is a counterfeiter.

Shh, here he comes.

Oh, Fred..

'...what was Barney
doing down in his basement?'

- 'Fred?'
- Wha..

W-was that a police car siren?

Fred, Betty wants to know what
Barney is fooling around with

down in his basement?

Fooling around with?

He's fooling around with a
20-year stretch on the Big Rock.

But Fred,
what could he be doing?

He could be playing
with a model train set

but he isn't,
he is making money.

(Betty and Wilma)
'Oh, that's good.'

Phoney money.

(Betty and Wilma)
'Oh, that's bad.'

Betty, I hate to tell you this

but your husband
is a counterfeiter.

- A counterfeiter?
- I don't believe it.

Well, you'll believe it
when the unmentionables

raid your house and drag him off
in the paddy wagon.

I'll go over
and speak to Barney.

Be careful, just speaking
to him could get you

a five-year stretch.

Gee, thanks, Wilma.
Fred really went for it.

Well, Fred deserved it.
But I'll tell him when I go in

that it was a gag.

Oh, Wilma,
since it was Barney's gag

would you mind
if Barney told him?

Of course, Betty.
I promise I won't say a word.

- Let Barney tell him.
- Thanks, Wilma.

[both chuckling]


Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
What a gag!

"You're doin' wrong,
Barney," he says.

"You, Barney Rubble,
are a counterfeiter," he says.


Okay, okay, Barney.
Your joke is over.

Go over
and let Fred in on it.

Oh, you're kiddin', Betty.

When you get a poor fish
like Fred hooked

y-you don't let him off
the hook that easy.

You play him, you give him
a little line, then reel him up.

Give him a little line--

Barney, what's
the matter with you?

Oh, nothin' at all.

I just didn't realize how much
fun practical jokes are.


Eh, and remember, you also
helped set him up for the gag.


Yeah, I know.

And I'm sorry I did.

Fred, will you stop
that pacing up and down?

You're making me nervous.

If you wanna get nervous,
get nervous about living

next door to a counterfeiter.

And if he tries to pass
any of that do-it-yourself money

they'll grab him,
they'll find out I know about it

and I'll get ten years just
for living next-door to the guy.

I'll visit you, Fred. And
bring a cake with a file in it.

Oh, boy, everybody's
becomin' unglued at once!

I gotta talk Barney
out of this nutty scheme.

In the meantime.. protect myself

I can't let him try to pass
any of that homemade money.

I know what I'll do.

I'll start bright and early
in the morning

and I'll follow him
all day if I have to.

'That was really tasty, Harry.'

'How much do I owe you?'

Two fried dodo eggs, a cup
of Java, and a prune Danish.

- 'Eighty-five, Barney.'
- Keep the change, Harry.

Oh, no, you don't!
This one is on me, chum.

His money's no good here, Harry.

Your money's no good anyplace.

- Well, come on, Harry.
- I can't believe it.

Fred Flintstone treating?

Oh, come off it!
Keep the change.

Keep the change?

Oh, no! A tip
from Fred Flintstone?

I can't believe it.

Oh, no!

I don't know why I ever
go into this ptomaine trap.

Why aren't you
workin' today, Fred?

Well, I..

Because I wanted
to talk to you, Barney

about you-know-what.

Oh, you mean, uh,
the counterfeit money?

Shh! Barney, please
don't ever do that again.

You're wasting your time, Fred.

I think my money is better
than the old-fashioned stuff.

And I'm gonna
spend the day shoving it.

As we say
in the funny money business.

Oh, yeah?
Well, I'll see to it

that you don't
spend a cent all day.

I'll pay for everything you buy.



Barney, did you spend
all our money on this stuff?

No, these are all little goodies
Fred bought for me today.


I think I'll keep this
practical joke goin' all summer.


You should've seen Fred go white

when I looked
in the auto showroom window.

Fred's lying down. And yes,
I heard what went on today.

Fred signed up all over town
with time payments.

He owes his shirt.

Well, I'm sending all that
sporting good stuff back, Wilma.

So, Fred will owe nothing.

Thank goodness, Betty.

Now I'll tell Fred
it was all a practical joke.

Um, Wilma, just a minute.

Think for a moment.

If you tell Fred,
he'll get mad

and get a practical joke
to top Barney's.

That's right.
And then, Barney will top that.

- 'Then Fred.'
- Then Barney.

- 'Fred.'
- Barney.

Oh, no, Betty. It will be
a war of practical jokes.

With us caught in the middle
in no man's land.

If there was some way
to teach them both a lesson.

Hmm, but how?

Well, women are pretty good
at outsmarting men, you know.

Mm-hmm, I know.

In fact,
that's how I got married.

Is there another way?

[both chuckling]

'Hey, Wilma! Hi, Betty.'

I got a great idea, girls.

- What's that, Fred?
- The machine, the machine!

Barney can't make phoney money
without his machine.

So, if I can get a hold of it,
I can bury it someplace

then Barney is out of business.

(Wilma and Betty)
'Good idea, Fred.'

All I gotta do is wait
till Barney leaves the house

and I will grab it.

I'll call him on the phone
and ask him to come over here.

Good. That will give me
a chance to get in.

Oh, Fred, where are you
going to bury it?

'In the gully in the park.'

In the gully in the park, eh?

Before you call Barney,
I wanna make a call, Betty.

Okay, Wilma. Fred is sure
falling hard for this gag.

'He sure is.'

What's taking those girls
so long to call Barney?

[telephone ringing]

Ah, there it is.

And there he goes.

And here I go.

There. I got the machine.

Wait a minute.

I better take all that
homemade money, too.

This should be deep enough.

'Now to get the stuff
out of the car.'

Boy, I'll be glad
to get this buried forever.

Then maybe, I'll be
able to sleep nights again.


Alright, this is a stick up.



The joke's on you, friend.

This isn't even real money,
it's fake money.

This machine here makes it.
It's just for laughs.

Okay, just for laughs,
make some more money.

Well, I-I can't make it,
a friend of mine makes it.

Okay, let's find your friend.

Any friend of yours
is a friend of mine.

But-but he isn't home now.

Okay, we'll wait for him.

And he better show up, or else!

[instrumental music]

Betty calls me up, makes me
walk over to Fred's house

then forgets
what she called me for.

Huh! I don't get it.
There's no figurin' women.

God bless their little
inscrutable minds.

Hey, Fred! What are you doing
down in my basement?

Put up your hands.
Get over there with the fat lug.

Okay, now, which one of you
makes the money?

He does.

'Okay, shorty. Get your machine
goin' and make some more money.'

I-I can't, can't.

Barney, make the man
some money, he isn't fooling.

I-I can't make money.
It's just a practical joke

eh, to fool my friend, Fred.

This is real money,
that's how I fooled him.

A practical joke?
I'm laughin', I'm laughin'.

I don't believe it.
You guys are holdin' out.

Okay, bring the machine
and the phoney dough.

We're going to Max's.

You'll turn out
the money for Max.

Max has ways of making
guys do anything.

- M-M-Max?
- Who's M-Max?

'You've heard of Max.
Max the Knife?'

- Max the Knife?
- M-Max the Knife?

But-but I can't make money
for-for Max the Knife.

I can't make money at all.

The money machine
is just a practical joke.

Max the Knife
don't go much for jokes.

'So, I hope
you decides to be smart'

'and make the money for him.'

'Okay? Let's go.'

'And no funny stuff,

I don't feel very funny.
Do you, Fred?


It's all your fault, Barney.
You and your practical jokes.

My practical jokes?
This wouldn't have happened

if you weren't pulling
gags all the time.

Pipe down, you two. We're just
about the Max's place.

Pull over to the corner.

[tires screeching]

Come on, get up.
This is the place.

'Yes, sir.'

Let's go. Keep movin'.

Fred, I just happened to think,
eh, today's my birthday.

Well, enjoy it.
It looks like your last one.

Yeah, I know.

- No need of both of us goin'.
- Th-that's right.

So, you go in
and explain it to Max.

Oh, no. No, no.
You go in.

You're both goin' in.

'Anybody home?'

Get in there
and close that door.

'Eh, yes, sir.'

'I-I hope
M-Max the Knife ain't home.'

Max, these two guys have
a machine to make money.

But they won't do it.

'Uh-oh. Somebody
put out the lights.'

'P-p-please, Mr. Max.
W-we can't make any money.'

'Th-that was
just a practical joke.

- You can have it all.
- Keep it. You can have it.

- Spare us, Max.
- Please let us go, Max.

[in unison]
Happy birthday, Barney!

'Happy birthday!'

- Uh, happy..
- B-b-birthday?

[both groaning]



So, it was you girls pullin'
a practical joke all the time.

That Max the Knife thing
sure had me worried.

We hope this has cured both of
you of anymore practical jokes.

- Oh, it's cured me for sure.
- Me too, forever.

Hey, who'd you get to play
the robber with the mask, girls?

'Oh, that was Joe Rockhead.'

Joe Rockhead?
How about that!

Yeah, you lugs.
Max wants to see ya.


Hi, fellas. You guys didn't
know me with my mask on, did ya?

[Barney and Fred laughing]

'We sure didn't, Joe.'

No hard feelings.

'Of course not, Joe.'

- You know something, Wilma?
- What, Fred?

We two practical jokers
are lucky.

Yeah, we got two
practical wives.

You can say that again.

[all laughing]

[theme music]


[bottles clinking]

[music continues]




Come on, Wilma, open this door!