The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Masquerade Ball - full transcript

[instrumental music]

[screaming]

No, Dino, no.
It's me, your master.

[growling]

Stop it, Dino.
Stop it! Heel. Heel!

Uh-oh.

[screaming]

(Fred)
'Ooh! That crazy Dino.'

Come on, Barney,
let's try it out on the girls.

[theme music]

[whistle blowing]



[siren wailing]

[tires screeching]

crash

smack

[humming]

- Good morning, Betty.
- 'Good morning, Wilma.'

Looks like
you've practically finished

hanging up your laundry.

(Wilma)
'Aren't you the early bird?'

She's the early bird.

What do we look like,
chopped liver?

I sure wish I could get
an early start.

- 'But you know Fred.'
- Yeah.

'It's almost time
for the boys to go to work.'



Is Barney up yet?

Oh, he's been up for ages.

He's already cleaned
the house, beat the rugs

'and brought me
my breakfast in bed.'

You know we're so much alike.

- You and me?
- 'Me and Barney.'

'That's exactly what I did.'

Cleaned the house,
beat the rugs

and Fred still isn't up yet.

[snoring]

Oh, well,
eight o'clock, here we go.

[alarm ringing]

Yike!

bam

Boy, that was close.

Yesterday,
I didn't quite make it.

[mumbling]

Morning already.

Right now, he's probably
walking into the closet

instead of the bathroom.

[mumbling]

slam

[growling]

Now, he should be growling
at himself in the mirror.

[growling]

Gotta brush my teeth.

Phooey!

Any minute now, he should
have a mouthful of shaving cream

and screaming
for his toothbrush.

(Fred)
'Wilma!'

Your toothbrush is
in the medicine chest, Fred.

Where's my tooth--

Oh, you're very clever
this morning.

He's asked that same
question every morning

since we've been married.

[chuckles]

Gets kind of monotonous,
doesn't it?

[Barney humming]

[buzzing]

Good morning, good friend
and good neighbor.

Looks like a good,
good, good, good day today.

What're you so happy about
so early in the morning?

Start the day bright,
and make the day ripe.

That's my motto.

I suppose you learnt that

from the book
you've been readin'.

Yes siree, Bob!

"Learn more, earn more."

(Fred)
'Learn more, earn more.'

Someday you'll learn that
it ain't what you know

it's who you know.

You eat your
can of beans, Fred

and I'll eat mine.

Yeah, but I'll eat mine
under glass.

[laughing]

You've been wastin'
your time readin' those books.

There's only one way
to get along in this world.

- What's that, Fred?
- Mingle.

- Mingle?
- With the upper crust.

If you hang around
successful people

some of it's gotta
rub off on ya.

Well, I mingle
pretty good, Fred.

But with who? Those
high class friends of yours?

Well, they're
your friends too.

(Fred)
'My ex-friends.'

From now on I only socialize
with people who'll count.

Well, does that mean
we ain't pals anymore, Fred?

Oh-ho, buddy boy. You think
I'll let my good fortune

come between you and me?

You're true blue, Fred pal.

Remember, Barney.
Think big and you'll be big.

- See ya after work.
- Right, Fred.

This is one guy who ain't
gonna be no clock watcher..

...all his life.

No, siree, not Fred Flintstone,
that's for sure.

(Rockhead)
'Yes, dear. No, dear.
Of course, dear.'

Now, just a minute, dear

I've sold all,
but four of the tickets.

You mean, we have to pay
for all I don't sell?

But-but they're
25 bucks apiece.

I'll just have to find a chump
to take 'em off my hands.

Good morning, Mr. Rockhead.

Huh? I-I-I'll call you later,
dear, I just got an inspiration.

(Rockhead)
'Good morning, Flintstone.'

The boss...talked to me.

'Eh, come hear a minute,
will you, Fred?'

He called me
by my first name.

Comin', Mr. Rockhead, sir.

Fred, you no doubt have read
about the big masquerade ball?

Yes, Mr. Rockhead.

Now, Fred, I don't want you
to feel you're being pressured.

Oh, I understand,
Mr. Rockhead.

How much are the tickets?

(Rockhead)
'I you don't want one,
just say so.'

Well, that's a fair deal.
How much are they?

The tickets are...25 each.
I'll put you down for one.

25! Are you kidding?

How many you got left?

- 'Four.'
- I'll take 'em all.

Wilma would like to go
to a masquerade ball..

...and I'll invite
a couple of friends.

You're not doing this
just because you need your job

and I was thinkin' of replacing
a few men around here, are you?

Oh, ho ho,
not at all, Mr. Rockhead.

I was just telling
my pal Barney

that we oughta get out
and mingle a little more.

Well, fine, fine.
And don't worry about the money.

You won't have to pay
for them all at once.

Why not?
Four tickets at 25 each.

- Here's your buck.
- Good.

I'll accept this
as a down payment.

And I'll deduct
a little each week

until the balance of 99
is paid up.

[dramatic music]

'It shouldn't take
more than a year or two.'

25 bucks a piece.
No..

boing

'Flintstone?'

Flintstone,
you better get up or..

...or I'll dock you
for laying down on the job.

[comical music]

Stop groaning, Fred,
it's over and done with.

And we'll make
the best of it.

What are you doing
with those bones?

Oh, you're right, Fred.
I should save them for Dino.

[panting]

Dino?

With these tickets
to pay for

those bones are gonna be
our dinner tomorrow.

growl

It's a charity affair

and the money will be going
to poor and needy families.

With the Flintstone family
first on the list.

(Wilma)
'If you weren't
such a big shot'

'you wouldn't have been stuck
for four tickets.'

Okay, so I'll just
have to stick somebody else

for at least two of 'em.

Hmm, I can't think of any other
big shots off hand.

(Fred)
'Ho ho ho.'

'You are very amusing.'

Hey, uh, how's about
a little gin rummy, pal?

Not now, Barney,
I got problems.

Okay, you don't
have to bite my head off.

I just wanted to give you
a chance to, uh, to get back

some of that 800,000
you owe me..

...on paper,
of course.

Goodbye, Fred.

Now, who do I know
who's chump enough to go for..

Hey, Barney,
where're you goin'?

(Barney)
'Well, you don't wanna play
then you don't wanna play.'

Now, if a fella can't rib
his best friend

who's he gonna rib?

You mean you do
wanna play, Fred?

(Fred)
'Time's a-wasted, buddy boy.
Get the cards.'

Alright, Fred.

Barney, if I told you
that I had the inside track

to a couple of tickets
to that fancy masquerade ball

Friday night,
what would you say?

Gin.

And what would you say

if I told you
that I could use my influence

to swing a couple of tickets
your way..

Your deal.

'...for a measly
25 apiece.'

You two could mingle
in high society.

I appreciate
your thinking about me, Fred.

That's the way to talk.

You don't have to pay
for 'em at once.

Oh, I wouldn't mind that.

Now, there's no backin' out.
You definitely want two tickets.

(Barney)
'Sure.'

Your word is your bond.

(Fred)
'That's 50 bucks
you owe me.'

Well, I'll give you a check
as soon as we finish playing.

I don't mind
spending the money

seeing it's for charity
and it's deductible.

How did you know
I meant 50 bucks?

Charity balls
are always expensive.

Any moron
would know that.

Oh, yeah?

Well, yeah, yeah.

Hm.

You look absolutely
divine, Betty.

Oh, really, Wilma?

I-it's the costume
I wore in high school..

...and it still fits.

Oh, and yours is
positively beautiful.

(Wilma)
'It is, isn't it?'

This is the outfit
my grandmother wore

when she was a Rockhead.

In the good old days,
she used to say.

Oh, I'm so excited, Wilma.

You know, going to
a fancy dress ball and all that.

Yeah. It is thrilling,
isn't it?

I hope the boys find something
at the costumers.

Here we are, Barney boy,
Costumers.

What kinda costume
are you gonna get?

I'm gonna get something
that makes me look tall.

How about another head?

[laughing]

Another one?
Why do I need three of 'em for?

[both laughing]

What're you gonna get, Fred?

There's a false face
I'd like to wear.

This outfit oughta be good
for a lotta laughs.

[laughing]

Don't touch the merchandise.

I ain't touching
the merchandise, Fred.

- Who said you were?
- I said it.

Holy smokes!
It's alive.

And kicking.
What's your excuse?

Well, we certainly didn't come
in here for a pound of lard.

That's for sure, you seem
to have cornered the market.

Look, shorty,
we want a couple of costumes.

With that face, plastic surgery
is your only hope.

- When do you need it?
- Friday night.

Impossible.

Haven't you heard
that Bedrock society

is having it's annual
masquerade ball that night?

And that's exactly
where we're going.

Really? I thought
they had enough bus boys.

For your information, smart guy,
we are mingling with the 400.

Correction, Fred.

That number
has been changed to 404.

We've got $25 invitations.

That's the one great flaw
in a democracy.

It encourages people like you
to become pushy.

Look, if you don't want
our business

we'll go somewhere else.

- Oh, goodie, is that a promise?
- What's that supposed to mean?

It means that I,
Mortimus Stoneface

am the only costumer in town.

However, I do have one costume
left, this rubber dinosaur.

How am I gonna get into that?

It's rubber, fatso.
It stretches.

- Why, you--
- Careful, I'm a monopoly.

We need two costumes.

You can be the front,
and your friend can be the back.

But I have in mind something
that might match my personality.

Then put your friend
in front and you in the back.

How about these?

I asked you
not to touch the merchandise.

I thought you said
that dinosaur was the last one.

The bird is my costume

and the turtle is reserved
for Mr. Rockhead.

Of the Cave
Construction Company?

That's your boss, Fred.

Yeah, and that gives me
a great idea.

What's that, Fred?

Well, everybody has to keep
their masks on till midnight

so nobody knows
who anybody else is.

- You get it?
- 'Yup.'

And when I see
that turtle head come in

I'll know
it's ol' Rockhead wearin' it.

But he won't know,
I know it.

- You get it?
- Nope.

Look, knucklehead--

If you gentlemen,
and I use the term loosely

don't mind, I would like to know

if you intend to renting
this dinosaur costume?

We'll take it.

(Stoneface)
'Will you wear it,
or shall I wrap it?'

Never mind wrapping it,
we'll wear it.

(Fred)
'Come on, Barney.'

'We'll break the costume in'

'and have a few laughs
at the same time.'

(Barney)
'Oh, I can't see, Fred.'

'You tell me
when to laugh.'

(Fred)
'Quiet. There's officer O'Shea.
We'll scare the badge off him.'

[Fred imitating dog barking]

Oh, hiya, Flintstone.

[Barney imitating dog barking]

You too, Rubble.

Imagine, trick or treating
at their age.

[Barney laughing]

(Fred)
'Right on.
Right on.'

'Right stop laughing,
you're steaming up the costume.'

'How about
a Brontosaurus Burger, Barney?'

'I could go for a little snack.'

(Barney)
'I'm right behind you, pal.'

'I'm so hungry,
I could eat a dinosaur.'

[Barney laughing]

(Fred)
'Two burgers
with lots of mustard'

(Barney)
'And relish.'

Two burgers loaded,
comin' up.

(Fred)
'How much?'

Uh, one buck, even.

(Fred)
'One buck?
Well, that's robbery.'

'If I wasn't so hungry,
I wouldn't pay it.'

Thank you.

Excuse me, I couldn't
help noticing.

You're a dinosaur, aren't you?

(Fred)
'You don't miss much,
do you, pal?'

Oh, I'm very observant.
You know something?

I don't get
many dinosaurs in here.

Especially, talkin' ones.

(Fred)
'No wonder, with the prices
you charge.'

'Come on, Barney.
Let's go home.'

Boy, we get all kinds.

(Fred)
'Hold it, Barney.
We wanna surprise the girls.'

'Okay, okay, the coast
is clear. Let's go.'

(Barney)
'Hey, do I have
any other choice?'

(Fred)
'Alright, wise guy.
Just be quite.'

[screaming]

(Fred)
'No, Dino. No.
It's me your master.'

[growling]

(Fred)
'Stop it, Dino.
Stop it. Heel. Heel!'

Uh-oh.

[screaming]

(Fred)
'Ooh, that crazy Dino.'

'Come on, Barney,
let's try it out on the girls.'

It's exciting,
isn't it, Betty?

I wonder what the boys
are goin' to wear?

They are getting a kick
out of surprising us.

They'll surprise me
if they're ready on time.

[Dino screaming]

Dino, what's wrong?

[breathing heavily]

Dino, you look as if
you've seen a ghost.

Oh, you are such a baby.

Let's see
what scared you so much.

What could it be, Wilma?

(Wilma)
'Just a minute, Betty.
I'll take a look.'

(Fred)
'Ta-da.'

(Barney)
'And toodle-de-do.'

(Fred)
'How do you like it, girls?'

'You think it'll make
'em sit up and take notice.'

More likely make 'em
stand up and run.

(Fred)
'Shall we go
to the ball, ladies?'

Where's Barney?

(Barney)
'Hello, Betty.'

Huh, Barney! How can you
breath down there?

(Barney)
'Well, it ain't easy.'

Here let me open the zipper
and get you out.

You certainly can't drive
the car in this thing.

It's stuck.

(Betty)
'What are we goin' to do?

(Fred)
'Well, I can't drive
this way.'

Never mind, I'll do the driving.
You two can ride in the back.

- Come on let's go.
- 'Okay.'

(Fred)
'Hup-two, hup-two.
Get your steps, Barney.'

(Barney)
'Right, Fred.
Hup-two, hup-two, hup-two.'

(Fred)
'To the ball, if you'll please.'

(Barney)
'Yeah, and step on it.'

'At midnight,
we turn into pumpkins.'

[both laughing]

(Fred)
'Speak for yourself,
pumpkin head.'

(Wilma)
'Here we are
at the Masquerade Ball.'

(Betty)
'Ah, look at all the cars,
it's jammed.'

(Fred)
'Now keep your eyes peeled
for that turtle head.'

(Fred)
'I got a plan that's gonna
put me in solid with the boss.'

Who's got the tickets?

(Fred)
'Holy smokes! I forgot 'em.'

(Barney)
'Oh, I got 'em, Fred.
Right here in your back pocket.'

Tickets, please.

(Fred)
'Hey, you'll have to talk to
the other end of this outfit.'

(Barney)
'Here you are, mac.'

[instrumental music]

(Fred)
'This is where I belong.'

'Rubbin' elbows
with the blue bloods.'

'Are you dancing, my dear?'

Are you asking, my pet?

(Fred)
'I'm asking.'

Then, I'm dancing.

[chuckling]

You three go ahead.
I'll sit this one out.

Martha, I absolutely
refuse to go in there

wearing this silly
turtle costume.

Why, Mr. Rockhead?

Why aren't you inside?

Because of this silly
turtle costume you sent over.

You want me to make
a fool of myself.

Why don't you two
exchange heads?

(Stoneface)
'I beg your pardon.'

Oh, ha-ha-ha,
I mean costume heads.

Why don't we?

You look more like turtle head
to me anyhow.

Look at him, Martha.

That's how silly
I would have looked.

Fred, here comes
the turtle head.

- 'Where? Where?'
- He's going out on the patio.

'Oh, boy.
This is my big chance.'

Your new head is quite
an improvement, dear.

(Rockhead)
'Better than that silly
looking turtle head.'

bump

(Fred)
'Watch where you're dancing.
If you bump me again'

'I'm liable to bump you,
right on the beak.'

That's Fred Flintstone.
I know that voice any where.

Now, calm yourself, dear.

I won't have any
embarrassing scenes.

(Fred)
'That's the boss out there,
alright, Wilma.'

'You stay over
there with Betty'

'while I go
and butter up ol' turtle head.'

Did you hear that, Martha?

He thinks that's me
out on the patio.

(Fred)
'Eh, nice little party.
Right, sir?'

'I'm a lucky man
to be here tonight.'

'And I owe it to the greatest
boss a guy ever had.'

'I wish I knew
what he was wearing'

'to tell him what a pleasure'

'it is to work my fingers
to the bone for him.'

'I'm sure he knows
how many times I work'

'far into the night'

'and never
put in for overtime.'

'Yeah, I'm sure
he knows that he can rely'

'on good ol' Fred Flintstone.'

'Oops! Sorry, sir,
we're not supposed to reveal'

'who we are
until midnight.'

(Stoneface)
'Eh, Y-you--'

(Fred)
'No, no, no, no,
don't tell me, sir.'

'It wouldn't be fair.'

'I'll go on ahead.'

'Well, it's been nice having
this little chat with you.'

'I think I'll join the ladies
and partake in refreshments.'

'Good evening to you, sir.'

(Stoneface)
'They must have
put something in the punch.'

(Fred)
'Wilma, baby. I've just put over
a master stroke of psychology.'

[Rockhead clearing throat]

(Fred)
'It's Mr. Costume Monopoly.'

'Shorty, you are responsible'

'for the beginning of
a whole new career for me.'

What did he do, Fred?

(Fred)
'He's the guy who tipped me'

'on what my boss was wearing
tonight, that's all.'

'Shorty, you might have
a monopoly on costumes'

'but if you heard me butterin'
up that boss of mine'

'you would have to admit you
ain't got a monopoly on brains.'

Fred, you're bothering the man.

(Fred)
'Bothering him?
It's ridiculous.'

'You would've been rollin'
in the aisles laughing, shorty'

'if you heard me throw in
compliments'

'at the president of
the Cave Construction Company.'

'Who also is vice president
of the moron section'

'of the Bedrock
Knucklehead Club.'

[grunting]

(Fred)
'And did he fall for it.'

If he knew how many times I was
already home having dinner'

'by the time
the five o'clock whistle blew'

'he'd blow
his penny pension stack.'

Fred, something tells me
you've said enough.

(Barney)
'Yeah, and besides, Fred,
it's gettin' hot in here.'

'And let's go home.'

(Fred)
'We didn't even start
to mingle yet.'

(Barney)
'Mingle-shmingle, I've had it.
Let's go home.'

That costume's not fair
to Barney, we ought to go home.

Betty's right, Fred.
Let's go.

(Fred)
'Okay, my mission
for tonight is completed.'

[Dino barking]

slam

(Fred)
'Barney's right,
it's hot in here.'

I'll cut you both out
as soon as we get in the house.

[Dino panting]

(Wilma)
'We can't open the door.
Dino must be scared again.'

(Fred)
'Wilma, hurry up
I'm suffocatin'.'

(Barney)
'Oh, that's nothing, Fred.
You are only suffocatin''

'I'm only unconscious.'

(Wilma)
'Dino. Open up, Dino.'

'Oh, he still thinks you
two are some kind of monster.'

(Fred)
'Well, tell him it's me.'

(Wilma)
'Dino it's only your daddy
in that suit.'

(Barney)
'Better tell him about me too.
Just so he don't get any ideas.'

(Wilma)
'And Barney too.'

You see, Dino.
It's only me, your master.

[Dino barking]
Dino, no, no, no.
Don't, Dino!

(Fred)
'No! No!'

Alright, alright!
Alright already.

(Barney)
'Yeah, Dino, alright already.
Get off of my face.'

You know what I'm gonna do
with that extra loot, Barney?

What extra loot, Fred?

- The raise that I'm gettin'.
- Oh, oh, that loot.

I'm going to re-invest it

by going to every
high class affair in Bedrock.

No more bowling.
No more pinochle.

It's up-up-up the ladder
of success from now on.

And you are coming with me.

Well, thanks, Fred.

But, uh, next time let's
get separate costumes.

I'd like to mingle
with somebody else besides you.

Oh, I can hear my boss just
as we pull up to the office.

Flintstone, come in here, I say.

And I'll go in like
I don't know from nothin'

and listen while he sings
my praises to the sky.

(Rockhead)
'Flintstone, come in here.'

(Fred)
'What did I tell you, pal?'

(Barney)
'You sure hit that one
on the nose.'

I'm coming, boss.

I'll start practicing my motto
for today, Barney.

Think big and be big.

Oh, yeah. I might
do that, Fred.

Think big and be big.

Think big and be big.

Think big and be big.

(Rockhead)
'Cigar, Fred?'

(Fred)
'Oh, thank you, sir.'

Well, Fred, did you have a nice
time at the ball, last night?

Sensational.

My only regret is that
I didn't recognize you

or I would have stopped
to pay my respects.

You didn't recognize me?

- 'Nope.'
- I recognized you.

- You didn't.
- 'Yes, I did.'

How about that, boss?
You sure have a keen eye.

You were wearing
a dinosaur costume.

That's right.

You gotta be kidding.

I feel pretty silly, you knowin'
me and me not knowin' you.

Yes, you certainly were silly.

[laughing hysterically]

Tell me, boss.
I'm all pins and needles.

What were you wearing?

(Rockhead)
'I got it right here.'

Sure, I talked to you.

We were standing
at the refreshment bar

and I was saying..

Oh, boy, what I was saying.

'I'll refresh your memory.'

Quote, "Vice president
of the moron section

"of the Knucklehead Club.

"Home, having dinner before
the five o'clock whistle.

"Penny pincher.

"Shorty.

Bird-brain."

You were gonna bump me
right on the beak.

Et cetera,
et cetera, et cetera.

Well, what have you got
to say for yourself?

Oh, boy!
Me and my big mouth.

[theme music]

[yawning]

[music continues]

slam

Wilma?

(Fred)
'Wilma!'

'Come on, Wilma,
open this door!'

'Wilma!'