The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Hit Song Writers - full transcript

Fred's latest get-rich-quick scheme is songwriting. He enlists the help of Hoagy Carmichael.

Hey, Mable!
Look who's comin'.

Oh, gee!
It's Hoagy Carmichael.

Hoo hoo.
Hello, Mr. Carmichael.

Hello, kids.
Nice day, isn't it?

[piano music]

Could it be love

That makes me
feel the way I do

This fuzzy-wuzzyness

This ring-a-ding

This ring-a-ding-a-ling

You say this
is an original song?

If it ain't, I'll eat it.

(male #1)
'You might find the little
pieces easier to chew.'

[theme song]


[siren wailing]



[music continues]



[door slams]

Is that you, Fred?


Make yourself
comfortable, dear.

Dinner will be ready
in a few minutes.


'Oh, I'm so glad
you're in a happy mood.'

'I wanna show you
something funny, Fred.'

Yeah, what?

I'm going to show you how you
look when you come home.

Wilma, this is
no time for games.

'Watch, Fred.'

[door slams]




Ha ha ha.

Isn't that funny, Fred?

I ain't laughin'.

'That's because
you're an old grouch.'

Now, Fred, at least today
you should be in a good mood.

'And what's this day got that
all the other days haven't got?'

- It's payday.
- Payday?

You mean crumb day?

A day they throw
me a few crumbs

for working like
a slave all week?

Barney works just
as hard as you do

but he always
comes home cheerful.

This is what Barney greeted
Betty with last night.

- What is it?
- It's a poem he wrote.

A poem? Why the little sneak.

He just did it
to make me look bad.

I got a good mind
to break it over his head.

'Just sit quietly and listen.'

Okay, I'll listen. Then
I'll break it over his head.

It says,
"To my darling Betty

"The day you
said that you'd be mine

"I made a vow
we'd never part.

"And though I leave
for work each day at nine

I take you
with me in my heart."

Next time he'll go to work
with a lump on his head.

There's more, listen.

"You're on my mind
the whole day through.

"And when I hear
those five bells chime

"I know that soon
I'll be with you.

Except when I work overtime."

Now, isn't that a sweet thought?

Yeah, it gets me right here.


'And I'm gonna do something
about it right now.'

What're you gonna do, Fred?

Right next door,
I'm gonna scoop

and pop that Barney
on the snoop.

'Don't you dare
lay a hand on him, Fred.'

'Oh, hello, Betty.'

What's the matter
with him, Wilma?

I don't think
Fred appreciates poetry.


There, that's finished.

All I gotta do is sign it.


[door slams]

Oh, hello, pal.
Come on in.

You mean ex-pal?

'Why, uh, what did I do, Fred?'

You wrote a poem
for Betty, that's what.

Why should
that make you mad, Fred?

Because every time you do
something nice for Betty

Wilma expects
me to do the same.

Wilma? Expects you to do
something nice for Betty too?

No, you lug head.

She expects me to do
something nice for her!

What's the idea
writing poems, anyway?

Why don't you act
like a normal husband?

Oh, I can't help it.

When I get the urge
to write poems

I just gotta sit down
and write 'em.

In fact, I stayed up
all last night

'writing the words for
a song about you, Fred.'

About me?

Yeah, about something
you always say, Fred.

Like, I just finished signin' it
when you come in.

Would you like me
to read it?

Go ahead, I'm
in a rotten mood anyway.

So help me, if I find
Fred picking on Barney

I'll really give
him a piece of my mind.

I hope he isn't.

Barney's very sensitive
about his poetry.

[comical music]


- Did you see what I saw?
- Yes, but I don't believe it.

Maybe Fred likes
Barney's poetry, after all.

But I don't
believe that either.

Well, how do you like it, pal?

You stayed up
all night to write that?

Yeah. Sounds pretty good,
huh, Fred?

- You wanna know what I think?
- Oh sure, Fred.

I think you shoulda
stayed in bed.

You make better sounds
when you snore.

Next time you can't sleep,
think of a way

we can make some money.

'Writing songs,
bah ha ha.'

Think of the do-re-mi.

Think of the do-re-mi,
writin' songs.

Hey, that's it, Barney.

Oh, what's it, Fred?

'We can make
a fortune writin' songs.'

Yeah, but Fred,
we don't know nothin'

about the songwritin' business.

Are you kiddin'?
Did I ever do anything

unless I knew exactly
what I was doing.

Well, yeah, Fred.
How about the time--

Don't be a wise guy.

Are you interested in gettin'
rich or startin' an argument?

But, even if we did
write the words, Fred

we don't know nothin'
about writin' music.

You can leave that minor detail
to the senior partner, me.

You're gonna
write the music, Fred?

No, Barney, I'm not.

We're gonna
have it written for us.

Didn't you ever see those
ads in the magazines?

"We write the music
to your words."

Oh, yeah, Fred, but uh..

...don't they charge a lot?

Charge? Musicians?
That's a laugh.

Do you know how many request
numbers a musician plays?

Lots of 'em,
I guess, Fred.

Right. And we'll simply request
a number to go with our words.

If we like it, we'll throw
him a tip, you get it?

I get it, Fred. Yeah.
And I gotta hand it to you.

You sure know all the angles.

I'll start writin'
some words right away.

Hold it, Barney.
Hold it!

'Before we put down one line,
we're gonna find out everything'

there is to know about writing
the words to popular songs.

And I don't care if it takes
the rest of the night to learn.

- 'Come on, let's go.'
- Uh, where to, Fred?

'To get the necessary
information, what else?'

There's only one thing
that would make

Fred listen to Barney's poetry.

He must have hit him
and Fred is unconscious.


'Hey, Wilma!'

No, he's not unconscious.

Hey, you ladies better
have dinner together tonight.

Me and my collaborator
are going to the library.

Since when did they
put them in there?

'Put what in where?'

Pool tables in the library.

[Wilma and Betty laughing]

har har har

Go ahead, laugh.

But remember, he who laughs
last, laughs last lad-la..

He who laughs last, laughs..

He who, who he, he..

And don't you forget it!


Well, there it is Barney.

Good ol' public library.

heh heh he

I haven't been here for years.

Hey, let's go in, Fred.
I'm anxious to get started.

Good evening, miss.
Flintstone's the name.

Fred Flintstone.

Oh, yes. You've come to return
the book you took out.

It's a little overdue, you know.

Exactly 11 years and 31 days.

My dear madam,
it so happens I brought

that book back the next day.

What was the name
of the book?

"How To Improve Your Manners."

And it did me no good at all.

Obviously. Would you
like to read it again?

Nah, I want a book
on how to write songs.

Oh, we have one called,
"There's Loot In Lyrics."

Ho ho hu!
Get that title, Barney?

"There's Loot In Lyrics."
What did I tell you?

You'll find it on shelf 13.


He he. Here's the page
I've been lookin' for.

"Popular Songs People Prefer."

Mark this down.

"People who like
happy love songs, 40 percent."

"People who like
sad love songs, 50 percent."

"People who like songs
about mother, 4 percent."

Yeah, mother would be a nice
idea to write about, Fred.

who like songs with words

like hooba-rooba, tweedle-de-de

et cetera, et cetera,
46 percent."

Gee, Fred, that
adds up to 140 percent.

You want to be
an arithmetic genius

or a songwritin' genius?

Now, let me think.

[piano music]

- 'I got it!'
- Uh, what, Fred?

I got an idea that's gonna
rock the musical world.

Our song will have every one
of these ideas in it.

That way all the people
will like it, all 140 percent.

Come on.
Let's go home and get to work.

Gee, Fred, can't
we wait 'til tomorrow?

I'm getting awful sleepy.

Barney, people all over
are waitin' to sing our song.

Do you wanna disappoint 'em?

Not the whole
140 percent of 'em.

cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo


Yawn! Three o'clock
in the morning

and those two characters
are still at it.

Now I know how
Mrs. Gilbert and Sullivan felt.


We gotta get that mother angle
in the song someplace.

Let me see there.

Somebody already wrote a song
about my mother's eyes

that leaves only
her ears, nose, and throat.

How does this sound, Barney?

Mother, you're just
like a brother to me.

Nah, that ain't no good.

You got any ideas, Barney?



Oh, I'm sorry, Fred.
I was just taking 40 winks.

Well, stop winking
and start thinking.

We need a mother
angle in the song.

How about, my mother's side
used to be orange

but now it's turned to silver.

Hey, that's not bad.

You think of a lot of words that
rhyme with orange and silver

and I'll think of some
sad ideas about love.

Hey, pop,
it's time to rise and shine.

Huh? Why don't you take it
this morning, kid?

Gee, you mean it, pop?

Yeah, go ahead.

Thanks, Pop.

Boy, my first big chance.

Cock a doodle dilly doo!

Cock a doodle dilly doo. Heh!

One simple line and he muffs it.

Good heavens! Barney
hasn't been to bed at all.

They must still be working.

There you are, Fred.
It's finished.

We did it!

Wilma! Come on over, Wilma.

I got a surprise for you.

Here it is, girls.

Our first song hit
and it's great

isn't it, Barney?


Let's see a little life,


'Into the shower
with ya, buddy.'

And then we're off to see
the wizard who's gonna write

the music to these
beautiful words.

This is the guy
we wanna see, Barney.

[knocking on door]

Enter, lovers of music.

Pardon me, we saw your
ad in the paper and--

'Say no more, friend'.

You got pretty words,
and you want Scat

to put down
the pretty, black dots.


What does he mean, Fred?

How should I know?
I ain't no musician.

We got the words,
but we don't need any black dots

we need music to go with it.

You guarantee that
you'll write us a hit?

Uh, you, uh,
guarantee to pay in..



In that case, man,
when Scat finishes

puttin' the black dots down

every canary in town

will be strainin' her tonsils

wailing your words.

Boy, that guy Scat sure knows
how to write music, Barney.

When he played our song,
I got a lump in my throat.

Gee, I don't know.
When he played our song

I got a lump
in the pit of my stomach.

Nah, you just don't appreciate
good melody, Barney.

I'm tellin' you, it's great.

Well, if you say so, Fred.

Where're we going now?

To see Rollin Rockwell,
the top music publisher.

And when we're there,
let me do the talkin'.

I don't want them
to think we're amateurs.

Oh, I won't say a thing, Fred.

May I help you, gentlemen?

We are songwriters,
hip songwriters.

I might have known.

Well, plant yourself on that
bench against the wall, buddy

and, maybe, Mr. Rockwell will
see you in a couple of hours.

Just a minute, lady.

We didn't start in this
business yesterday, you know.

'Shut up and sit down!'

Well, let's do what
the lady says, Fred.


'It's lucky for you'

'my collaborator
is tired, girlie.'

You can't let 'em push you
around in this racket, Barney.

Hey, Mable!
Look who's comin'.

Oh, gee!
It's Hoagy Carmichael.

Hello, Mr. Carmichael.

Hello, kids.
Nice day, isn't it?

Good morning, Sally.

'Oh, good morning, sir.'

I'll let Mr. Rockwell
know you're here.

Here comes some character

trying to break
into the song business.

Don't let on
this is our first song, Barney.

I won't, Fred.

Hi, fellas, may I sit down?

Oh sure,
make yourself comfortable.

'Thank you.
Thank you very much.'

Oh, skin me.

What was that?

I said skin me.
Don't you know what that means?

Oh. Oh, yeah. It's just that
I haven't heard it for years.

'Well, if you're
around like we are'

you hear it
a couple of hundred times a day.

Hmm, maybe I better
get around a little more.

Do you fellas write songs?

He he he,
you hear that Barney?

He's asking us
if we write songs.

Yeah, we write 'em,
but only a special kind.

Really, what kind
is your specialty?

Hits, buster, just hits.

Oh, you mean that every song
you've written has been a hit?

Well, let me put it
this way, pal.

We have not written a flop song
since we've been in this racket.

Skin me...I-I mean, dig me?

Pardon me, sir.
You may go in now.

- Thanks.
- Thanks.


Hold it, bub.
Hold it.

You seem to be a little ignorant
of songwriting etiquette.

In this racket,
it's first come first serve.

'Come on, Barney.'

I'm sorry, fellas.

Okay, son, you'll learn
the ropes after a while.

And where do you characters
think you're going?

Now don't get you
curly hair ruffled, lady.

We don't have to be announced.
I know my way around.

Follow me, Barney.

Well, of all the nerve!

Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Carmichael.

It's okay, Sally.

Rocky will be glad to see them.
They only write hit songs.

How did you two
guys get in here?

'I was expecting--'

The luckiest break
in your life, huh?

Well, Rocky, baby,
you expected right.

We got something to tell you
that will make you

the happiest man in town.

My wife left me?

We got the song that's gonna
take you out of the bush league

and put you right up there
with the big fellas.

And here it is.

Get me a piano player
and I'll sing it.

Out, out, out!

You won't need a piano player,
you'll need a doctor

if you're not outta
here in two seconds.

I'll play
for the boys, Mr. Rockwell.

This may be another
one of their hits. for...them?

Oh, give the fellar
a break, Rocky.

Let him play.

Do you know
who that fellar is?

'So nobody knows him today.'

We were all unknown years ago.

Here, buddy. Playin' this
will be your first big break.


You want this allegro,
pianissimo, or andante?

Look, I don't want to talk
about Italian food, play!


[piano music]

Oh, no.

Come on, come on,
start playin'.

Okay, here goes.

[piano music]

Could it be love

That makes me
feel the way I do

This fuzzy-wuzzyness

This ring-a-ding

This ring-a-ding-a-ling

That keeps on ringing
in my head

Since the day you said

That you couldn't
live without me

But now you say you can

And so I'll ask my mother

To get me
someone else


Leaves you sort
of speechless, huh?


You say this
is an original song?

If it ain't, I'll eat it.

'You might find the little
pieces easier to chew!'


Now get out, out, out!

Before I throw you out.

Okay, but this is the last hit
song you'll ever get from us.

Come on, Barney. This guy
doesn't know a good song

'when he hears it.'

Okay, Fred.

But after hearing you sing,
I think Mr. Rockwell is right.



Looks like they left
their briefcase, Rocky.

Good, I'll throw it out
the window after them.

Maybe I'll be lucky
and hit the big guy.

You're being too hard on 'em.

Just chalk up another chump that
was taken by Scat Von Roctoven.

Wait a minute.

Listen to this title.


There's the gimmick, that's what
they're buyin' today.

And you know who's
gonna write the music?

- You are.
- Me?

Remember, Mr. Carmichael, you
haven't had a hit in five years.

You write while I play golf.

Barney, the next time I get
an idea to make a million bucks

sock me right in the kisser,
will ya?

Oh, it'll be a pleasure, Fred.
Oh, I never felt so humiliated.

'Hey, fellas.'

Am I glad you're still here.

Mr. Carmichael,
I wanna apologize

for not recognizing you.

Oh, forget it.

I wanna talk to you about-about

this lyric we found
in your briefcase.

Gee, I hope you didn't read it.
It's not very good.

Mr. Rockwell thinks it is.

I just hope you'll like
the melody that I wrote for it.

You...wrote the music
for those words?

Music...let's say I put down
some pretty black dots.


I can't believe it's true.

Imagine us being invited
to the best supper club in town

as Hoagy Carmichael's guests.

And let's not forget
who's responsible for that.

If I had not inspired
my friend Barney

to write a poem about me,
we would all be sittin' home

'twiddlin' our thumbs.'

[instrumental music]

bubble bubble bubble

Ladies and-a gentlemen

once more it's my pleasure
to play for you

in the wonderful Philtown Hotel
in downtown Bedrock.

As I look around and see
the wonderful celebrities

and some of them
are well known celebrities

I see a wonderful
friend of mine-a

a wonderful musician,
and a wonderful composer.

Sit down, Fred.

(male #2)
'Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Hoagy Carmichael.'

[guests applauding]

Thank you.
Thank you.

As a wonderful-a
special treat tonight

Hoagy has consented to play
his latest composition-a for us



The words to this song

were written by my friend,
Barney Rubble

who created
the lyrics from a title

suggested by his
best friend, Fred Flintstone.

Now, let me
do the talkin', Barney.

Sit down, Fred.

[piano music]

Boy do we know how
to bust Monte Carlo

And to never be blue

It's a lot like prayin'
Just keep a-sayin'


If ya think your sweetie's

Left for Tahiti

We can give you a clue

There's no need for cryin'

Roar like a lion


B-A-D-D-A means bad

D-A-B-B-A means good

Oh what magic
in a word we've found

By switchin'
the letters around

So if someday
the bases are loaded

And they're countin' on you

You just can't strike out
You fuel up and shout




B-A-D-D-A means bad

D-A-B-B-A means good

Oh what magic
in a word we've found

By switchin'
the letters around

[music continues]

[music continues]

B-A-D-D-A means bad

D-A-B-B-A means good

Oh what magic
in a word we've found

By switchin'
the letters around

So if someday
the bases are loaded

And they're countin' on you

You just can't strike out
You fuel up and shout






More. more.
Encore! Encore!


Sit down, Fred!

Barney, you will be the first
millionaire friend I ever had.

Don't rush it, Fred.

Only one in five
thousand published songs

ever make any money.

Just keep writing 'em, Barney

'and maybe someday
you'll be lucky.'

Gee, thanks, Mr. Carmichael.

Don't worry about him workin'.

I got a million titles
rollin' around in my head.

And as soon as
we get home tonight--

Oh, no, you don't!


[all laughing]

[theme music]


[music continues]


[bash bash bash]


'Come on, Wilma,
open this door!'

[bash bash bash]