The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 1, Episode 8 - At the Races - full transcript

Fred wants to buy his friend's pool hall. He intends to finance the purchase by betting a week's paycheck at the dinosaur races.

It's Granite Bay still in the lead...

then Fossil second by two lengths,
Volcano third.

But wait a minute.

Sabertooth is starting to move up
on the outside.

- He said "Sabertooth," Barney.
- I know.

Come on, Sabertooth!

Heading for the far turn,
it's Granite Bay in front...

Fossil is second, Sabertooth is third,
Slagheap fourth...

Volcano, Earthquake, and Gravelpit.

Coming into the stretch,
Sabertooth takes the lead...

with Fossil second,
then Granite Bay, Slagheap...

Volcano, Earthquake, and Gravelpit.

Watch this, Barney-boy.
Seven ball, the easy way.

- Sorry, Barney.
- Great shot, Fred.

Nothing, Barney. Watch this one.

Looks like you're in trouble
with the eight ball.

Are you kidding?

All you need is the right tool for any job.

Here's the one I was looking for.

Eight ball, the impossible way.

Watch this, Barney.
The trick shot to end all trick shots.

Fred, we are going to enter you
in the Olympics.

And why not?

Hey, Dan, how about some cue chalk?


Here you are. Use it in good health.

I won't be bringing it to you much longer.

- Why not, Dan?
- I'm selling the place.

You're kidding.

No kidding.
I'm retiring to that little chicken ranch.

Get it?

I'm only asking $2,000 for it,
lock, stock, and barrel.

Funny thing you should mention this,
right, Barney?

Mention what, Fred?

My friend and I have been looking
for a deal just like this...

haven't we, Barney?

- Who?
- Us, that's who.

One thing though, fellas.
The deal has got to be strictly cash.


Excuse me, fellas. Got to get the phone.

What's the idea of kicking me, Fred?

Don't you get it? This place is a gold mine.

If we could buy it,
we could get rich and be our own bosses.

Yeah, and another thing,
we could play every day for nothing.

Well, you can forget it.

We could never raise
that kind of money. $2,000.

You know, I had $2,000 in my hand
this afternoon.

- Yup.

I was making a bet for the boss
with a guy named Herman.

Your tightwad boss betting on races?

Yup. Sabertooth in the fifth, at 40-to-1.

40-to-1? He must think it's a sure thing.

Look, if old tightwad bets on it, it is.

Did I tell you he locks the paper clips
in the safe every night?

Wait a minute. Just a minute.

Barney, we own a business.

Like how?

We go to the track tomorrow,
bet $50 at 40-to-1...

and what do we get?

- We get to play pool for nothing.
- Oh, boy.

- One little thing, Fred.
- Yeah?

- Have you got the $50?
- No, have you?

We were sure living there
for a couple of minutes.

Wish I had the nerve to use my pay.

Why not?

Because Wilma would kill me,
that's why not.

- Well, tell her you lost it.
- I tried that once.

Oh, no. Wilma's too smart.

- Look, suppose somebody held you up?
- Suppose they did.

Wilma couldn't blame me for that.

What an idea! How do I think of them?

You're a genius, Fred, that's how.
A sheer genius.

- What's wrong?
- Wilma will still kill me if she finds out.

So you'll die rich.
After all, it's for Wilma's sake.

That's right, I'm doing it for her.

I'll be able to give the little woman
all the things she deserves.

All right, Barney. Now get this straight.

You're going in first,
and you break the news to Wilma.

Yeah. I'll lay it on good and thick.

And then when you get her wailing
and crying, I'll stagger in.

She'll be so glad to see me,
she won't even think about the money.

Okay, pal. But just give me enough time.

- I almost forgot.
- Forgot what, Fred?

Here, you better hold my pay envelope.

- But what for?
- If Wilma finds it on me...

our holdup story's in the ash can,
that's what for. Get going.

Fred's not home, Barney.

Wilma, I only hope he makes it home.

What are you talking about?

I don't know
how to break this to you, Wilma...

but a terrible thing happened.

Fred was on his way home,
and two guys jump him in the alley.

They gave him a terrible beating.
He tried to defend himself...

but they overpowered him,
and took his whole week's pay.

Now, Wilma, take it easy.
Don't get hysterical.

- I don't believe one word of it.
- But, Wilma--

- Not one word.
- But, Wilma, wait till you see him.

A little dirt on the face.

Rip the fur a little.

That ought to do it.

I tell you, I don't believe it.

Easy, pal. Try to hold on, Fred.
You know we all love you.

I know. Especially Wilma.

Take it easy, honey.
I'm going to be all right.

Don't be hysterical. Stop crying.

Just be glad I'm alive.

What did you do with the money?

The money? What kind of a wife are you?

- Three tough guys jumped me and--
- Barney said there were two.

Two? Well, one of them was a midget.
Barney couldn't see him.

It's the phone.

You two midget brains better think
of something better before I get back.

I'm coming.

How about a woman like that?

She's tough to convince,
that's all I can say.

I'd have to be half-dead
before she'd even half-believe me.

We gotta do something, Fred. And fast.

I hate to do this, Fred.

One, two, three, four. Testing.

He's out like alight.

- Now what?
- Fred just keeled over.

- From what? Overacting?
- No, from this bump.

Oh, my poor husband.

He's coming to.

Fred, will you ever forgive me
for doubting you?

Watch him, Barney,
while I get some cold water and a towel.

Say something, Fred.

You knucklehead.
Are you trying to kill me?

I had to think of something quick.
What else could I do?

I'm thinking of something quick now.
Can you guess what I'm gonna do?

Now, Fred, I just called the doctor
and you're not to stir till he gets here.

I'd like to stir Barney. With a bat, that is.

Hey, Doc, what's all that...

Search me.
I saw a doctor do it on a TV show once.

Quiet, please, while I test the reflexes.

Just what I thought.

Concussion of the concuss
{nit complications.

- Complications?
- Ja.

Bumpus of the nogginus.

"Bumpus of the nogginus"? What's that?

- Search me. I--
- I know, you saw it on a TV show.

Now, one week in bed...

feed him liquids, soft foods,
rest and quiet, and all that jazz.

I'll take good care of him, Doctor.

Good. Then I got to hurry now.

What is it, Doctor? An emergency?

What emergency?
I got to go home and watch TV.

- Fred, how's it going?
- Terrible.

She won't let me out of here.
She watches me like a hawk.

Tell her you got to go to work.

I did, so she called the boss.
She told him I'd be out for a week.

The last bus leaves for the track
in an hour.

- I'll go down and bet the money.
- You?

What do you know
about betting at the track?

-"I saw it on a TV show once."
- Now, cut that out.

If anybody goes, we go together.

Oh, no, you don't.
You're not going anyplace.

I'm going to the market
to get some brontosaurus soup bones...

and don't you dare move while I'm gone.

I guess it's goodbye
to Boulder Dan's place.

- Yeah, we're dead.
- Gee, I sure hate to give up.

- It's a cinch.
- What's a cinch?

You know the fellow
you bet the boss's $2,000 with?

- What's his name?
- You mean Herman.

That's it, Fred. Where's the phone?

Hello, Herman?
$50 on Sabertooth in the fifth.

Right on the nose.

Yeah, right on the nose.
You got it, Herman?

Herman, you got it?

I regret that due to circumstances
beyond my control...

I cannot conduct business any further
at this time.

But, Herman, listen.
Herman, you gotta... But...


Herman's out of business.
So we're out of business.

No, we're not.

We just got time to catch the last bus
for the track. Come on.

- What will you tell Wilma?
- I'll think of something later.

Hold that bus! Hold it!

Just made it.

Oh, boy, if we missed it,
we'd have had to walk.

Entries for the fifth race
now entering the paddock.

Here they come.

Sabertooth is number five.

There's nothing more beautiful
than a thoroughbred dinosaur.

If you ask me,
they're breeding them a little too fine.

There he is. Number five. It's Sabertooth.

Smart-looking jockey, too.

What's the matter with him?

Don't worry, that's the way
I like to see a dinosaur I'm betting on.

He's saving his strength.
Come on, let's go. We got to bet.

That's right, $50 on Sabertooth to win.

Let me see the ticket, Fred.

That ain't just a ticket, friend.
That's our declaration of independence.

Right. I can see it up there in lights:

"Fred and Barney, Money Unlimited."

It's not the money, Barney.

It's what I'm going tell old Gravelpuss
that I'm looking forward to.

- Yeah, your boss.
- You mean he's going be my ex-boss.

- I'm gonna walk into his office.
- Yeah, Fred.

I'm gonna take one of his cigars
and light it.

Yeah, Fred.

I'm gonna grab hold of his nose and say--


Flintstone, I thought you were sick.

I am, I got bumpus of the nogginus. Look.

What are you doing here at the track?

Ask him, he's the one that's carrying.

Well, make it a good story.

We came down here
to put $50 on Sabertooth's nose...

so we could make enough to buy
Boulder Dan's billiard parlor and retire--



Don't pay any attention to him, boss.
He's out of his mind.

He doesn't know what he's saying.

What am I saying?
I'm going into business for myself.

Put me down, Barney.

Flintstone, I ought to fire you.

Look, I'm scared.

Next year I might buy
your cheap establishment and fire you.

Then I won't have to listen
to your barking and whining anymore.

Now that you're out of a job,
I'm worried about one thing.

Suppose Sabertooth doesn't win.

Listen, if we're gonna be partners...

you got to start thinking positive,
right now.

Like, Sabertooth will win.

Excuse me, sir. Coming through, sir.

$1,000 on number seven.
That's Gravelpit, son.

Yes, sir, Colonel. Here you are, Colonel.

- Did you hear that?
- I sure did.

He bet $1,000 on Gravelpit.

That's right, son. $1,000 on Gravelpit.
I can't lose.

- Say, want a real tip, son?
- Yeah, sure.

Don't bet on the races! That's a joke, son.

- Say, who was that?
- Him? He owns Sabertooth.

- But he just bet on Gravelpit.
- So who's betting on Sabertooth?

- We are, and we want to change our bet.
- Too late, fellows.

They're off and running.
Fossil goes to the front.

Granite Bay second,
Slagheap a close third.

Volcano and Earthquake
head and head fourth.

Gravelpit is fifth and Sabertooth.

Into the clubhouse turn.

Fossil still in front by a length.
Granite Bay second...

Volcano moving up to third.
Slagheap a close fourth.

Then comes Earthquake,
Gravelpit, and Sabertooth.

Oh, boy.

Going into the backstretch.

Granite Bay challenges Fossil
and takes the lead.

Come on, Gravelpit!

Come on, Sabertooth.

Did you say "Sabertooth," son?

I told you all: Don't bet on the races.

Come on, Gravelpit.

It's Granite Bay still in the lead...

then Fossil, second by two lengths,
Volcano third.

But wait a minute.

Sabertooth is starting to move up
on the outside.

- He said "Sabertooth," Barney.
- I know.

Come on, Sabertooth!

Heading for the far turn,
it's Granite Bay in front...

Fossil is second, Sabertooth is third,
Slagheap fourth...

Volcano, Earthquake, and Gravelpit.

Coming into the stretch,
Sabertooth takes the lead...

with Fossil second,
then Granite Bay, Slagheap...

Volcano, Earthquake, and Gravelpit.

At the eighth pale.
It's Sabertooth by a leg.

Fossil is second, then Granite Bay third...

Slagheap, Volcano, Earthquake,
and Gravelpit.

They're coming to the finish line
with Sabertooth still in front.

Here they come. Watch it closely.

And the winner is Gravelpit!

Did he say "Gravelpit"?

That's what he said, son. Gravelpit.

Gee, if there's one thing I can't stand...

it's to see a grown man cry.

Attention, please. It's a photo finish.

The official result in just a moment.

- Cross your fingers, Barney.
- I am.

- And your toes, too.
- I am. I'm crossing them.

And here comes the photo.

The photo is in the judge's hands.
The judge is studying the photo.

And we'll have the official decision
in just a moment.

Just a moment now.

And here it is, folks:

The winner is Sabertooth!

Like you said, sir:

"Don't bet on the races."

We're a couple of jolly good fellows
A couple of jolly good fellows

Yeah, what, Barney?

Have you decided
what you're gonna tell Wilma?

I'm gonna tell her the truth...

that her husband is gonna be
a big business tycoon.

You better let me hold the money.

- What for?
- Just in case she don't like the idea.

You got something there.
You know how wives are.

If she heard about this money, she'd
make me do something dumb with it.

Yeah, like put it in the bank.

But I'm not trusting you
with all this dough.

We're gonna stash it someplace safe.

How about stashing it
under that rock over there?

- This is heavy.
- All the better to keep the money under.

- Look and see if anyone's around.
- Okay, Fred.

Nobody in sight. Let's go.

Get this rock off my hand...

so I can tear you apart.

How did you get it caught?

I didn't get it caught.
I put it under here to keep it warm.

- Get it off, you imbecile!
- I'm getting it off.

As I thought, the holdup story was a fake.

Now, what did you do with the money?

- You want to know?
- Yes, I want to know.

We went out to the track,
and we bet the whole thing on along shot.

You what?

You mean to tell me...

that you took the money
for our food and rent...

that you...

We won.

- You won?
- Yup. $2,000, right on the nose.

Darling, we're rich!

Now wait a minute, we got plans for it.

- Plans?
- We are investing in a business.

- What business?
- Boulder Dan's place.

Fred, that's wonderful!

That place is a gold mine.

I met Dan's wife today.
She has a new fur coat.

He's retiring and they're moving South.
And where's the money?

Now relax, honey.

I'll have the money in your hands
in a couple of shakes.

- Well, Wilma's got to admit it.
- What's that, Fred?

She's married
to a pretty sharp businessman...

with lots of brains, know-how, and savvy.

Betty feels the same way about me.
And throw in "good-looking."

Okay, good-looking.

Grab a hold of the rock.
And this time, be careful.

- All right, now. Heave.
- I'm heaving, Fred.

Easy, that's it. Steady, Barney. There it is.

I got it, Barney.

You mean you had it, buster.

- What is this?
- It's a stickup, hey, that's what it is.

Hand it over, hey.

- Over my dead body.
- That's okay with me.

Hold him, Fred.

We got him surrounded.

Once again will do it.

Barney, where is Fred?

I don't know how to break this to you.
A terrible thing just happened.

When we went to get the money,
a guy jumped on us. A big guy.

Fred fought like a tiger,
but the guy was too tough.

And he took the money.

Now don't get hysterical, Wilma.
He'll be all right.

Let me help you, pal.

Take it easy, Wilma.

I'm gonna be all right.
Don't get hysterical. Stop crying.

Just be glad I'm alive.

- I don't believe a word of it.
- But, Wilma--

Not one single, solitary word.

Come on, Wilma, open this door!