The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Monster from the Tar Pits - full transcript

Wilma, it's me, Fred.

Wake up, Wilma.
There's nothing to be scared about.

Excuse me, Wilma,
I didn't know you had company.

I'll be back later.

Get your hands off her,
you monster!

Get out!

Wilma, help!

Hold it, Betty.
That's Fred's voice.

It is Fred.

It's a great script, Mr. Sandstone.

We're ready to shoot our new low-budget,
one-day quickie horror movie.



Yes.

And what a title:

And what a plot:
The monster comes from the tar pits...

and falls in love with a beautiful girl.

In a month, everybody will steal it.

Good. Who's in it?

Gary Granite, Rock Pile, and a new girl.

- What's her name?
- Wednesday Tuesday.

Or is it Tuesday Wednesday?
I can't remember.

Okay, get it rolling.

If it's not better than your last picture,
turn in your sports car.

- One thing, Mr. Sandstone.
- Yes, what is it?

- May I call you Sandy?
- No.

Very well, Mr. Sandstone.
One more little thing.



- We'll have to build a town set.
- Build a town set?

- Why, our budget won't stand for that.
- What'll we do? We need a town.

Use a real town.
That way, we get the buildings for free...

and we can use
the townspeople as extras.

You know, they eat that stuff up, anyway.

Say, that is great.
That is large thinking, sir.

- Very, very large.
- Thank you.

It's nothing, nothing at all.

- But what town, sir?
- What town? Why, that's easy.

Now, there's the whole flat world
as we know it.

We'll pick out a town. Let's see.

We'll take this one. Which one is it?

It says "Bedrock."

That's a town?

It sounds so basic, solid, down-to-earth.

All right, now get going, my boy.
And bring me back a picture.

Yes, sir.

One quickie, low-budget picture
made in Bedrock coming up.

Wash day.

If there's anything I hate...

more than anything else
in the whole world...

it's doing the laundry.

She hates doing the laundry? She.

We interrupt this program...

to bring you a flash from Hollyrock.

Miracle Pictures is going to use...

our town of Bedrock...

for the locale of their next picture.

And get this:

Auditions are going to be held...

and some of our very own citizens...

may be used in the picture...

which will star Gary Granite!

Appearing with him...

will be Rock Pile...

and that new, exciting starlet...

Wednesday Tuesday.

Or is it Tuesday Wednesday?

Oh, my, oh, me.

Betty. quick!

I heard it, Wilma.

Imagine, Gary Granite,
right here in Bedrock.

And Rock Pile, too.

And what's her name, Thursday Friday.

- You mean Wednesday Tuesday.
- Yeah. She's so cute.

And they're going to use
the people of Bedrock as extras.

Why don't we go down and audition,
just for fun?

We'll call ourselves the no-talent sisters.

At least you can do swell bird calls.

And you can wow them...

with that soft-shoe bit
you do every New Year's Eve.

- Is it a deal?
- Okay.

- I'll ask Barney when he comes home.
- And I'll ask Fred.

I know what he's going to say: "No!"

But I don't care.

Can you imagine?

- Here we are, Fred.
- Thanks, Barney-boy.

I'll see you after dinner.

After a tough day like today,
I am ready for my nourishment.

Me, too. I hope Betty has dinner ready.

I'm coming up the walk, Wilma.
Start putting the food on the plate.

I'm coming through the door.

And I'm one of the hungry ones tonight.

Wilma, where's my dinner?

Hey, Wilma.

It's me, Fred.

- Hello, Fred.
- Boy, did you have me worried.

I thought for a minute
I'd have to fix my own dinner.

How can you even think of food
at a time like this...

when they're going to make
a picture right here in town.

- Make a picture?
- Yes.

And get this: with Gary Granite!

Gary Granite. Who's he?

He is a big movie star.

And if you didn't happen to spend
all your spare time in a bowling alley...

you'd know who he is.

Oh. yeah?

Well, I happen to know who you are.

You are my wife...

and you are supposed to have dinner
ready for me when I get home...

Gary Granite or no Gary Granite.

What has Gary Granite got
that I haven't got?

I can tell you what.
His dinner, that's what.

Droll, very droll.

I'm surprised at you, Wilma,
falling for all that mushy stuff.

The trouble with you, Fred,
is that you have no romance in your soul.

You're wrong there, Wilma, wrong again.

I'll tell you my trouble.

I've got no food in my stomach.

And I'm going out to get some...

while you look through
your movie magazines.

If I run into Gary Cobblestone,
or whatever his name is...

I'll give him your regards.

Oh, that Fred.

He didn't even give me a chance
to ask him about the audition.

You mean they're gonna make
a movie here in Bedrock?

That's right. isn't that thrilling?

And they're gonna use the people here
for extras?

Wilma and I thought we'd go down
to the audition.

If it's okay with you and Fred, that is.

It's okay with me, Betty.

Thanks, Barney. You're the sweetest.

Keep saying it. I like it.

I'll call Wilma and tell her I can make it.

- Hey, Barney.
- Hello, Fred.

- Did you hear the big news?
- Yeah, I heard it.

I'm on my way down to Rocky's Cafe
to get a bite to eat.

- Do you want to join me?
- Sure.

Betty was so excited,
she forgot to make dinner.

And then Fred stomped out of the house
before I even had a chance to ask him.

Gee, that's a shame.
Barney said it was okay for me to try.

I didn't get a chance to ask Fred,
so he didn't get a chance to say no...

so I'll take a chance
and go with you tomorrow.

Delicious.

Give me brontosaurus ribs
every time, Barney...

I could eat a carload of them.

Me, I'll take a pterodactyl drumstick
every time, Fred.

Love these drumsticks.

How about shooting a game of billiards
before we go home, Barney-boy?

Lead on, Freddie-boy, lead on.

I'm with you.

You know something, Barney?

I just can't understand some people.

Just because some movie company
is arriving tomorrow...

they get all excited.

Movie being made here. Big deal.

Ridiculous, isn't it, the way people act?

I don't know, Fred.
A lot of people will get a bang out of it.

A lot of people, maybe,
but not the sophisticated types like us.

The plane with the movie crowd
arrives at 6:00 tomorrow morning.

- You say 6:00?
- I'll bet the place will be mobbed with...

Sure, with a lot of numbskulls.

6:00, huh?

Boy, not even the birds are up yet.

Fred, I just remembered something.

I'm kind of tired.
I ought to get to bed early.

- Do you mind if we go home now?
- Not at all, Barney.

Kind of feel like hitting the sack myself.
I'm kind of beat.

Attention. Special movie flight
now arriving at Gate...

Stanley, what gate did you say?

Gate Four.

Arriving at Gate Four.

No autographs, please.

Here they come!

Here comes Wednesday Tuesday.

Tuesday Wednesday,
what're you doing Saturday?

- Fred, what're you doing down here?
- Oh, boy.

I just came to see how many numbskulls
would show up.

It looks like one more numbskull
showed up than I expected.

There's Betty and Wilma.

That Rock, he is a doll.

- Let's beat it before they see us.
- Yeah, we're supposed to be working.

- Wasn't that exciting, Betty?
- I'll say.

- You know what I did?
- What?

I touched Rock Pile when he went by.

You did?

I'm not going to wash this hand
for a week.

That'll be something
to tell your grandchildren.

Let's go down and audition
before all the jobs are gone.

All they can do is throw us out.

There they go.
Come on, Barney, I'll drive you to work.

- Fred, I've got an idea.
- Like what?

Let's take the day off
and go down and watch the auditions.

You're the last guy I ever thought
would go for that celebrity stuff.

I've got to face it, Fred.
I get a kick out of it.

Don't you get it, Barney?

It's just a publicity gag
and people fall for it.

Look at all the people lined up
at the casting door.

See what I mean. Numbskulls.

Makes me want to turn in
my running pants...

and get out of the human race.

Come on in, Fred.

We can watch the human race
make numbskulls out of themselves.

Nothing doing.
I'm going to work, and I'm late now.

All right.

First harmonica picture we make,
we'll send for you.

- I play the kazoo, too.
- That's fine.

First kazoo picture we make, you're in.

You don't expect to find any talent
in this crowd, do you?

It creates goodwill, Gary. And who knows?

No one ever heard of you...

till you won that cotton-picking
chicken-plucking contest upstate.

All right. Next.

Too bad, but hula hoops have had it.
Okay, that's it.

The first hoop picture we make,
we'll call you.

You're next, Betty. Good luck.

I don't need luck. I need talent.

It's Betty.

That's the blue-bellied kingfisher's
mating call.

I suppose
if I was a blue-bellied kingfisher...

I'd appreciate it more.

And now, the yellow-throated oriole.

Hold it. I got the idea.

The very next bird picture is yours.

Hi, Betty. Your bird bit was great.

Thanks, Barney...

but you know it laid a big,
fat, speckled egg.

- What're you doing down here?
- Just nosey, I guess.

Me, too.

Look, Barney, Wilma's on.

Okay. Stop the music.

That's all. Thank you, Miss.

- The first...
- Musical you make, you'll call me.

You were only great, Wilma.

The only thing great
was that he called me Miss.

I'd better get home and start dinner.

I feel guilty. We're all having the fun
and Fred is working.

He's too sophisticated
for this stuff, anyhoo.

But Gary, where is your pride?

You know the budget
won't stand for a double.

I've got a new thing going, you see.
I'm taking pride in staying healthy.

But, Gary, where can I get
a double for you?

That's your business. Mine is staying alive.

- Excuse me, sir.
- Sorry, no more auditions.

Now, Gary, like, listen to reason.

I knew all that ring-a-ding you were giving
these people around here...

was a lot of hooey.

Only a numbskull
without an ounce of brains...

would fall for that guff.

Did you ever think of being an actor?

- Who, me?
- Sure. You'd be perfect.

- Who, me?
- Right. You're big, you're strong...

I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll divide the lead
between you and Gary Granite.

The lead?

I'm worried about Granite.

He's been up along time. He's slipping.

- But am I good enough?
- Good enough?

- You know what I'm going to let you do?
- No, what?

All the hard stuff.

Let him do all the easy stuff.

You, my new star, will steal the picture.

Wait till Wilma hears about this.

- I'll do it.
- Good. It's the title role.

Here's your costume. It's just like Gary's.

- The title role?
- Yes.

The Monster from the Tar Pits.
You are the monster.

- I am?
- Sure.

You're breaking in at the top.

You don't have to worry about lines.
Just practice growling and roaring.

Like this?

Good. Go home.

Come back tomorrow afternoon.

Keep practicing.

That's your double, Gary.

No wonder they call you
the genius of the quickies.

Maybe when I get back,
he'll let me call him Sandy.

Maybe Fred's right.
You can be silly about this celebrity stuff.

I should be more mature about it,
like Fred is.

That must be Betty.
She said she'd be over.

Come in, Betty. The door's open.

Wilma. It's me, Fred.

Wake up, Wilma.
There's nothing to be scared about.

Excuse me, Wilma.
I didn't know you had company.

I'll be back later.

Get your hands off her, you monster!

Get out!

Wilma, help!

Hold it, Betty. That's Fred's voice.

It is Fred.

What's the idea
of pulling a stunt like that?

And what're you doing
in that messy old suit?

This messy old suit, as you call it...

means that Gary Granite
is on the way out...

and I am on the way up.

I'm doing all the hard stuff...

your hero, Gary Granite, can't do.

You mean you're doubling
for Gary Granite?

Oh, boy, there's a woman for you,
gets it all backward.

"You mean you're doubling
for Gary Granite?"

Not, "Fred, you're gonna be a movie star."

Oh, no.

Barney's home. He's coming over.

Don't let him in yet.
I'll put on my monster head and scare him.

- Anybody home?
- Okay, Wilma, let him in.

Come in, Barney.

- Hiya, Betty. Hi, Wilma.
- Hello, Barney.

Hiya, Fred.

You going trick-or-treating tonight?

No, I am not going
trick-or-treating tonight.

And if you will excuse me,
I must practice my lines.

I must be ready when Granite cracks.

What's the matter, he sick or something?
What's this all about?

Fred's doing all the hard stuff
in the picture...

that Gary Granite can't do.

You mean he's doubling for him?

Did it occur to any of you...

that doubling might also be interpreted...

as replacing Gary Granite?

- Fred.
- What is it?

Don't sit down on anything
in that sticky suit.

That's right, Betty.
He just left, costume and all.

Let's face it,
he's the only one who got a part.

Are you going down to watch?

No. He said,
"No visitors allowed on the set."

Oh, boy!

I've got to stop eating
in those cheap restaurants.

Quiet, everybody! We're ready to roll.

In this scene, you are climbing the cliff...

and at the top is Rock Pile
with the girl you love.

But you are having a little trouble...

because Rock Pile is dropping boulders
on your head.

- You're kidding.
- No, I'm not.

- Prop man.
- Yeah?

- Did you get the fake boulders?
- Are you kidding?

- Do you know what they cost?
- Never mind. We'll use real ones.

Mr. Flintstone.

Yes, Mr. Director?

- I think Granite has had it.
- Good.

- Are you ready to move in?
- Just give me the chance, that's all.

Give me the chance.

Good. Roll 'em. Action!

Okay, Gary.

Cut. Okay, Flintstone.

Chicken.

Roll 'em.

Action!

Cut!

Wonderful.

Now, this is how the scene works:

You, the monster,
are trying to carry off the girl.

But you are having a little trouble...

because Rock Pile keeps hitting you
on the head with his club.

- Club?
- Did anyone get a padded club?

Are you kidding?
Do you know what padded clubs cost?

Okay, we'll use a real one.

Quiet!

Roll 'em!

Action!

Cut!

Print it! Wonderful.

You are only great.

And now,
here's the ending of the picture...

which is also only great.

By the way,
did the writer write an ending?

You're joking.
Do you know what a writer costs?

Never mind. We'll ad-lib an ending.

Now, get this.

You're sick and tired of chasing the girl.

You know now
you're never going to get her.

I don't know why.
I've been getting everything else.

So we see you walking
towards the tar pits.

Back to the tar pits
from whence you originated.

- By the way, have you any insurance?
- A little.

Roll 'em!

Put on the monster head. Good.
Now start walking.

Walking into the sunset.
Back to your home, the tar pit.

You are sad.

Oh, boy!

You look back, dejected.
You wave goodbye.

Good. Now you keep walking
and you keep waving.

Walking, waving.

A little more feeling.

Great. Cut.

Wrap it UP!

You were wonderful, Gary. Wonderful.

I know. They'll love me in this.

Let's go, everybody.
Everything into the trucks.

We got the preview tomorrow.

I hope Sandy,
I mean, Mr. Sandstone, likes it.

Did I do good? Did I?

Barney! What're you doing here?

You didn't show up for dinner,
and Wilma got worried.

Where is everybody?

Everybody and everything
left for Hollyrock half an hour ago.

You mean I've been holding my breath
for over half an hour?

Yeah, and just don't hold your breath
till you replace Gary Granite, either.

Yeah, I know.

I know something else, too.

I've been a chump.

A great big, fat, C-H-U-M-P...

dope.

So forget it.

You had a lot of fun...

and you found out that being in pictures
is a lot of hard work...

and not all glitter and glamour.

Yeah. I was never right
for the part, anyway.

I'm not the monster type.

I wouldn't say that.

- What did you do with the monster suit?
- I threw it in the trash.

You had tar on every chair in the house.

Good evening.

We bring you another flash from Hollyrock.

The picture filmed in Bedrock yesterday...

was premiered this afternoon...

and was a smash hit.

Miracle Pictures plans
to return tomorrow...

to shoot the sequel:

The Son of the Monster from the Tar Pits...

a heartwarming story...

of a monster and his dog.

Well, how about that?
They're coming back.

This time we all won't go running down,
that's for sure...

Wilma, where'd you throw
that monster suit?

I've got to find it.
I should be a shoo-in for the part.

Oh, no.

Here it is. Never mind dinner, Wilma.

I'm gonna be busy practicing my lines.

Let's face it.
There's a little ham in every husband.

Come on, Wilma, open this door!

English