The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 1, Episode 4 - No Help Wanted - full transcript

After causing Barney to get fired, Fred gets his friend a job as a "repo man." But Barney's first repossession case is at the Flintstones' house.

Oh, no.

And I made it double or nothing. Oh, no.

Flintstone's a good winner
but he's certainly a poor looser.

Here comes Fred home from work, Dino.

Come on, boy.
Come on, greet your daddy. He's home.

No, Dino! Hold it, boy!

Not now. Stop it, Dino.

Stop it!

You hear that, Dino, stop it.

Hi, Fred. Dino sure gave you
the big welcome tonight.

What do you mean, "tonight"?

Dino gives me a big welcome every night.
Don't you, boy?

- Dinner ready, sweetheart?
- In a minute, Fred. Go sit down.

You know, Wilma,
I've been feeling wonderful this past week.

Must be because I haven't seen...

that ungrateful neighbor of ours,
Barney Rubble.

- Ungrateful? How come?
- I'll tell you how come.

I figured that Barney
wasn't getting paid enough.

So last week I went to see his boss.
I told him I was Barney's agent.

And, boy, did I lay it on the line.

Laid what on the line, Fred?

I told him I was collective bargaining
for Barney.

And unless Barney collected a lot of
retroactive pay, the bargain was over.

Then I told Barney to put his broom down
and go see his boss.

- And then what?
- I haven't seen that ingrate Barney since.

He's probably living it up
on that big fat raise I got him.

Who cares?
To stop seeing him around is worth it.

It's water over the bridge.

Nothing could get me mad.
Not the way I feel. Nothing.

What's the idea? One smelt for dinner?

I thought nothing could get you mad, Fred.

One measly smelt is nothing. And I'm mad.

I need nourishment. I'm a growing man.

You're growing, all right.
You're growing impossible.

Oh, yeah?

What happened to the dinosaur steak
I brought home last night?

If you must know,
I gave it to Betty and Barney.

- Betty and Barney?
- That's right.

So it isn't enough
I get the guy more dough.

He's got to sponge off my wife
when my back is turned.

I'm gonna go see that sponge
and squeeze his ungrateful head.

Fred, just a minute.

Get away from that door, Wilma.
My chivalry is getting thin.

And that's the only thing about you
that is getting thin.

Now you listen to me, blabbermouth.

The reason I gave him the steak is because
they haven't had a decent meal all week.

They're too proud to ask for help.
But the truth is they're flat broke.

Broke? What's Barney doing
with all that money I got him?

Are you kidding?

All you got him was a place
in the unemployment line.

After you got through
shooting off your big mouth...

to Barney's boss, he fired Barney.

I was only trying to help.

You better think of something
that will help Barney...

or you'll be eating smelt all month.

Okay, Wilma, I'll think of something.

Me and my big mouth.

Who is it?

It's me, Barney. Fred.

Come on in, Fred. The door is open.

How about that guy?
He ain't even sore at me.

Hello, Fred. How've you been?

You're looking well, Fred.

Hiya, Barney. Betty.

- Long time no see.
- Yeah.

Why don't you boys go in the den?
I'll fix some snacks.

If I can find any.

Think nothing of it, Fred.

I know you meant well and besides,
it wasn't much of a job anyway.

Thanks, Barney. You're a swell guy.

But I lost you a job
and I'm gonna get you another.

- Yeah? How, Fred?
- I've got an influential friend...

- that could get you a job in a minute.
- No kidding?

It happens I'm playing golf with him
tomorrow, and you're coming along.

But I don't play golf, Fred.

You don't have to.
We'll make it a threesome.

You can caddy,
and that way he'll get to know you.

And I'll needle him into giving you a job.

That sounds good. You think it'll work?

Barney, my boy,
did I ever give you a bum steer?

- Well...
- Don't answer that, Barney.

Just meet me at the Gravel Beach
Golf Course in the morning.

- This sure is a nice place, Fred.
- Oh, it'll do.

Now listen, Barney. This guy, Mr. Boulder,
whose bag you're gonna carry...

is my private golf pigeon.

In the business world, very big.

On the golf course, nothing.

We play every week.
$1 a hole and side bets.

- Can you afford it?
- Of course I can't. But I never lose.

Now, be nice to him.

You suggest what clubs to use
and stuff like that.

But, Fred, I don't know
one club from another.

So much the better. For me.

Mother, get the peanuts out,
here comes my pigeon.

Hiya, Mr. Boulder.

Good morning, Flintstone.
Nice day for golf.

Mr. Boulder, I want you to meet
a friend of mine.

This is Barney Rubble.

Good morning, Rubble.
And what's your handicap?

Offhand, I'd say my biggest handicap
is living next door to Fred.

I like a man with a sense of humor.
Don't you, Flintstone?


Rubble. Haven't we met before?

Southampton, Newport, Palm Beach?

Maybe the steam room at the Y?
The Gaiety Bowling Alley?

I'd better explain, Mr. Boulder.

Barney is going to caddy for you.
He needs the money.

Needs money?

I've heard of people like that,
but I never thought I'd meet one.

There're a lot of us like that, Mr. Boulder.

I lead such a rich, sheltered life.

- Fore!
- What does "fore" mean, Fred?

Don't ever do that!

- Sore head.
- Quiet!

You got a good curve on it, Fred.

Wow, what a shot, Fred.

Right back on the tee where you started.

Here you are, Mr. Boulder.
This looks like a pretty good one.

A putter? To drive with?

Okay, you're the caddy.
You know this game better than I do.

Driving with a putter, yet.
Boy, this is gonna be good.

A hole in one!

- Is that good, Fred?
- You're a whiz, Rubble.

That's the first hole in one I ever shot.

And I did it with a putter, thanks to you.

It looks like I'm winning a friend, Fred.

You could still end up even.
You're losing me.

Did you keep your eye on the ball, Fred?

Does that answer your stupid question?

Rubble, what'll I do now?
My ball's down here in this sand trap.

Down in a sand trap.
Let's see. Try this, Mr. Boulder.

A driver?

A driver in a sand trap.

You wanna make it double or nothing,
Mr. Boulder?

Okay, it's a bet.

Oh, no.

And I made it double or nothing. Oh, no.

Flintstone's a good winner,
but he's certainly a poor loser.

Like you always say, Flintstone:

"It's not winning the game that counts,
it's collecting the dough."

- Fred, the job.
- Yeah, the job.

Mr. Boulder,
could you somehow get Barney a job?

Anything at all. He's not too... You know.

For Barney, anything.

Tell you what, Barney. You go
see this friend of mine, Rocky Stone.

Now, here's my card.
The address is on the back.

And tell him I sent you.

- Gee, thanks, Mr. Boulder.
- Edgar, to you, Barney.

So long, loser. I'll see you next week.

Yeah. So long, Mr. Boulder.

Ta-ta, Edgar.

A hole in one. Double or nothing.

Boy, I was really in the groove today.

He deserves to win at least once.

Only it sure puts me
in a mess of sour pickles.

What do you mean, Fred?

The dough I lost was supposed to make
the delinquent payment on the TV set.

I don't dare tell Wilma.

Fred, I'm gonna go see
about that job right away.

- And thanks a lot for helping me.
- Yeah. Good luck, Barney.

"Rocky Stone Inc."

Yep. This is the place.

Come in.

- Mr. Stone?
- Yes. What's your complaint, buster?

No complaint, sir.
Mr. Boulder sent me down for a job.

Mr. Boulder. Come right in.
So you're a friend of Mr. Boulder?

He's a great man.
Very big in the business world.

But I hear he's not so hot
with the golf club.

Yes, sir. He said that
you would give me a job.

And he is right, sir. You've got a job.

I have? Gee, thanks, Mr. Stone.

What'll I do?

Now, first let me explain something.

A lot of people think our business is cruel.
But they're wrong.

You see that picture hanging on the wall?

Throwing people to the hungry lions.

Now, that's cruel, sir.

You keep that picture in mind
while you're doing your job.

- What is my job?
- Look at the picture.

I am.

You're going to repossess furniture.

- Repossess furniture?
- Someone's got to do it.

Think of all the cheats
who won't pay what they owe.

Think of how they laughed
when we trusted them.

- How we took their word in good faith.
- Yeah.

- They can't get away with it.
- Right!

And here's your first assignment.
A real tough one.

Refuses to pay up on his TV set.

- Why, the welsher.
- You're right.

- Get the money or bring back the set.
- Right.

Now, raise your right hand
and read the oath.

"Neither rain nor snow,
nor threats of tears...

"shall deter this collector...

"from the completion
of his contemptible duty."

It kind of gets you right here, doesn't it?

- Kind of gets me right here.
- Okay, now TV or not TV.

That's a gag we have in the trade.

I'll start small. A TV set first.

And I'll work my way up to pianos,
bedroom sets, houses.

Who knows?

Now, let's see where that deadbeat lives
who won't pay up on his TV set.

Fred? Oh, no.

And he helped me get this job.

What will I do?

I just can't go in
and take my best friend's TV.

And yet, I need this job.

Besides, I took the oath.
I pledged allegiance to the hungry lions.

I just can't fail on my first assignment.

Maybe Fred can pay.

He always has some dough stashed away
for sweepstake tickets or something.

They went thataway.

- Which-a-way?
- Thataway.

Hi, Fred.

Hello, Barney. Come on in. Pull up a chair.

Want to try some of this
Sabertooth Tiger milk?

No, thanks, Fred.

Guy on TV recommends it
for fallen arches.

I'm not sure if you're supposed to drink it
or soak your feet in it.

You sure like your TV set, don't you, Fred?

You bet. I'd rather lose my right arm
than miss my TV programs.

I was afraid of that.

Look, here comes the fellow
with the stiff leg that helps the sheriff out.

Speaking of sheriffs, did you make that
delinquent payment on the TV set yet?

Are you kidding?

I lost that money to Mr. Boulder,
trying to help you get a job.

Yeah, I know, Fred, and I appreciate it.

But you must have a few bucks
stashed away in your bowling ball bag?

Quiet, you fathead.

Want Wilma to hear you?
Knock it off about my financial rating.

Don't you have any money, Fred?

What is this? Am I on the witness stand?

Who do you think you are?
Perry Gunite or something?

I'm broke. B-R-O-K, broke.

Now shut up about me.

Let's talk about you.

Did you get the job
Mr. Boulder sent you to see about?

Yeah, I got it.

You don't seem too happy about it.

I'm not. I'm quitting.

Quitting? No, you're not.

You want me to get in bad
with Mr. Boulder?

What's the matter with the job?

I don't know. It goes against my grain.

Look who's got a grain. You see this?

How would you like those knuckles to rub
up against the grain of your wooden head?

- Fred.
- Fred, nothing.

What could be wrong with a job
you had for an hour?

I would have to do something ruthless.

So what?
In business you've got to be ruthless.

You've got to use every trick in the book.

When fighting fair don't work, fight dirty.

But how about friendship, Fred?

Friendship? Your only friend is a buck.

And the more bucks you got,
the more friends you got.

You are a soldier
in the business army now.

Your boss is your commander.

When he says "charge," you charge!

Trample the enemy or be trampled!

You do whatever your job calls for.

- That's your duty.
- Yes, sir.

And thanks for the advice, Fred.

For a guy that digs ditches,
you sure know the business world.

Just a minute, Barney.
Let me open the door for you.

Thanks, Fred. Thanks for everything.

That Barney is like putty in my hands.

Now, let's see.
There's a fight on Channel 15.


Barney, are you nuts?

Where are you going with my TV set?

I'm repossessing it, Fred.
That's my new job.

Your job? Taking my TV set?

Yeah, Fred.
You told me to be ruthless, remember?

Ruthless? You bring this set back
or you'll be toothless.

Fred, what are you and Barney
doing with our TV set?

Nothing, Wilma.

We're airing out the aerial, like.

Put it back.

I want no fooling around with that set
now that it's paid for.

Paid for.

Okay, Wilma. We got it back.

And as for you, out of my house,
you Benedict Whosis.

But, Fred, I'm in the business army now.

Okay, soldier, retreat!

Or they'll be blowing taps for you.

Business army?

Since an army travels on its stomach,
a nice sandwich would be in order.

And I'll try some more
of that Sabertooth Tiger milk, too.

Here's my chance.

Here comes Fred.
I'd better hide or he'll skin me alive.

How did that get here?

I could've sworn I put it on the stand.

Nope, I didn't.

Barney's got me so upset,
I can't remember what I'm doing.

Nothing wrong with my muscles, though.

This set feels light as a feather.

Now it's back where it should be.

I hope it's working
after all that hassling around.

Do you have trouble sleeping at night?

It may be because you're a deadbeat.

Pay up those annoying TV bills
with one big payment...

and get a good night's sleep.

All right, wise guy, get out of my set!

I've got to take it back, Fred.

Okay, Barney.
I'll get you out the hard way...

even if I have to wreck this set.

It's my duty, Fred. So long.

Come back here, Barney!

Kid, did you see a TV set run past here?

- A TV set running?
- Never mind, kid. I see it.

The more I see of grown-ups,
the more I want to stay being a little kid.

Come back here, you double-crosser.

Give me back my set!

Come on, Barney. Where are you hiding?

- Any particular model you're looking for?
- Yeah, one with human legs.

What a business.

I try to keep a big stock. The customers
always want something else.

There you are!

Wait till I get my hands on you.

What do you know? I had one.
I've got a bigger stock than I thought.

Listen to reason, Fred.

Got you! Now get out of that set!

I've got a good mind
to smack you on the schnozzola.

Fred! What are you doing
downtown with our TV set?

That is, you see...

Shucks. Tell her the whole story, Barney.

- You mean the truth?
- Yeah, I give up.

Go ahead, Barney. I'm listening.

- And that's the whole story, Wilma.
- Aren't you ashamed, Fred?

Taking it out on Barney
when it's all your fault.

Take the set back, Barney. It's your job.

- And no hard feelings.
- Thanks, Wilma.

- No hard feelings, Fred?
- Yeah.

And as for you, playboy golfer...

you are coming with me
so I can keep an eye on you.

I still say that Barney is a false friend.

It's like that old proverb:

"He who steals my TV, steals all."


My TV. It's back.

It came home.

It's home.

- Here's a note for you, Fred.
- What's it say?

"Dear Fred, I got an advance
on my first week's salary...

"and paid your TV bill.

"Don't worry about returning the money.

"I just don't want to lose your friendship."

Signed, Barney.

And that's your false friend, Fred.

That crazy guy.

- Hiya, Fred.
- Barney. Hiya, pal.

- No hard feelings, Fred?
- Of course not, Barney.

Come on in.
I'll fix you some Sabertooth Tiger milk.

Yeah, come on in, pal.

Fred, you understand
I was just doing my job?

I know, Barney, sure. And I apologize.

I'm sure glad you feel that way, Fred.

Because when I went back to the office,
they gave me another memo on you.

Something about an overdue payment
on your golf clubs.

It sure is nice to see the boys making up.

Out! And don't ever come back!

Be reasonable, Fred.
I've got to take them back.

Touch one golf club in my bag
and I'll mash your head in with a mashie.

Come on, Fred. It's my job.
You told me to be ruthless.

They were friends for about five minutes.

And that's about par for the course.


Come on, Wilma, open this door!