The Flintstones (1960–1966): Season 1, Episode 11 - The Golf Champion - full transcript

- I'll murderlize you.
- It's my bucket.

Stop running, you insect.

Hiya, Fred.
Meet my new watchdog, Buzzsaw.

Your new watchdog?

Yeah, he's wonderful.

He instinctively knows
when somebody don't like me.

Then he chases them.

Good dog.

Hello?

Yes. Okay, I'll tell him.

- Who was it?
- Barney.



- What does he want?
- He says you borrowed his watchdog.

He wants it back.

And here they come,
ladies and gentlemen...

approaching the 18th tee.

The finalists:
Ben Bowlder and Fred Flintstone.

It's been a nip and tuck battle all the way.

Fred Flintstone
is still leading by two strokes.

The winner will get the trophy
and be the champion...

of the annual tournament
given by the Loyal Order of Dinosaurs.

All right. It's Ben's honor,
and he's ready to tee off.

A beautiful shot!
Right down the middle of the fairway.

Now here is a diagram
of this 450-yard par-4 hale...

and here is the distance
traveled by Ben Bowlder's great tee shot...

putting him in perfect position
for his second shot.



- Wilma.
- Hi, Betty.

- Are you listening to the tournament?
- I wouldn't dare not listen.

- Isn't it exciting?
- I hope Fred wins.

But I can take it or leave it.

If Fred wins I'll never hear the end of it.

Yeah. And if Fred loses
you'll never hear the end of it.

And here's Fred Flintstone. Very cool.

He's got a tough shot to beat.

He hit that one real fat.

Here's Fred Flintstone set to tee off again.

And Fred's a little nervous.

Just a little.

He knows he has his work cut out for him.

Flint5tone's hit a screaming line drive.

It looks like Flint5tone's in trouble.

Back to the diagram
for a look at the path of this ridiculous...

Impossible shot.

This is a big decision for Fred Flintstone.

The question is:

Should he take a penalty stroke,
or should he...

How about that?
Flintstone is going to play it where it lies.

We have just seen
the greatest shot ever made.

The ball's heading straight for the green
and passed right over it.

Too bad. More hard luck
for Fred Flintstone.

A lot depends on Ben Bowlder's next shot.

And it's a beauty.

Fred Flintstone needs a miracle
to pull this game out of the fire.

And he's going to give it
that old college try.

One thing about Flintstone, he's a fighter
who doesn't know the meaning of..

the word "quit."

This is a tense moment, folks.

Fore!

It's in.

- He won!
- Hurray for Fred!

Ladies and gentlemen.

Listen.

Nothing like this
has ever happened before.

A sensational finish.

Fred Flintstone, the new champion,
is walking towards...

the chairman of the tournament
committee to receive the cup.

They've never had
a more deserving champion.

Wait a minute. Something's up.

Barney Rubble, President of the lodge...

apparently wants to
take the cup away from Fred Flintstone.

- Don't tell me they're at it again?
- They've never quit.

This is unbelievable.
They're struggling over the cup.

Let's ask one of the other members
what this is about. You, sir.

- Who me?
- Could you tell us what this is all about?

It all goes back to a meeting,
a month ago...

when the lodge was holding
its annual election of officers.

We will now proceed
with the election of a president.

You will all vote for either Fred Flintstone
or Barney Rubble.

- Mr. Chairman.
- What is it, Brother Flintstone?

As you know...

I've been lodge president three times,
and although I'm greatly honored...

I would like to withdraw...

and move that Barney Rubble...

be elected unanimously.

Me?

Second the motion.

Speech! Come on, pal, speak.

Gee, this is the greatest day of my life.

What an honor.

And the man I have to thank for it
is Fred Flintstone...

my bosom buddy, close friend,
and lifelong pal.

Oh, Barney. Cut it out.

I promise to be a good president...

and put the lodge
back on its feet financially.

There's only one way to do it.
By collecting back dues.

And believe me,
that's what I'm going to do.

That's the way to do it, Prez.

Three cheers for Barney Rubble!

That's what led up to the fuss taking place
between Fred and Barney now.

You mean it has something to do
with back dues?

You get the picture.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

What's the big idea trying to take my cup?

- I won the tournament.
- And that makes no difference.

It says in the bylaw, section 42:

"No member shall be
entitled to receive a trophy...

"unless his dues are paid up to date."

I'm only a month overdue.

That makes no difference.
A month is a month.

And a thankless friend
is a thankless friend.

Any lodge you're a member of...

I don't want any part of.
And that goes for the cup, too.

Rules are rules. No dues, no trophy.

MY Pointy head.

What about Fred?
Is he still on the rampage?

Worse then ever.

Barney's name can't be mentioned
in our house.

- Not only that--
- Wilma.

I would like to speak to you.

I see what you mean.
But it can't last forever.

- Now listen, Fred.
- You listen to me.

Barney Rubble is my enemy.

Betty is married to him.

- That makes her my enemy. And...
- Oh, Fred.

...I don't want you talking to the enemy.

Hi, Wilma.
What's new on the Western Front?

The General has had a setback.

He wants to move,
but he can't find a house he can afford.

Barney's starting to get
a little steamed up, too.

He might just as well blow a gasket.

I have to deliver an ultimatum.

Ultimatum who?

Fred wants everything back that, quote...

"That no-good scrounger
has borrowed over the years," unquote.

- Come on in and help yourself.
- Do I need a flag of truce?

- That you, Wilma?
- Yes, Fred.

- Where's all the stuff?
- Here's all the stuff.

You mean that can opener...

-is all the stuff he borrowed?
- Yes.

- Did you look in the attic?
- Yes.

- In the garage?
- Yes.

- In the cellar?
- Yes.

The sneak.

He must have buried everything else.
That's the answer.

I like the food over at the Rubbles' better.

- Fred.
- Yeah?

Barney wants all his stuff back.

He does, does he?

You can tell him from me...

Any sign yet?
Is Fred bringing back my stuff?

I don't see anything.
Not a creature is stirring.

Not even a fat mouse like Fred Flintstone?

Hold it, here comes a message.

- What does it say?
- Don't rush me.

It says:

"Dear Betty, Fred says...

"that if Barney sets foot
on Fred's property...

"he'll cool him."

It doesn't make sense.

No, wait a minute.
Not he'll cool him. "He'll kill him."

Sure. That makes sense.

- He's not scaring me.
- Now, Barney.

What's mine is mine, and I intend to get it.

Will you relax, Betty?
He won't lay a hand on me.

I'm too fast, and he's too fat.

Barney, be careful.

Don't worry, but check and see...

if I paid my last insurance premium.
Just in case, you know.

There's my bucket.

And just where are you going
with my property?

Your property? This is my bucket.

You're overlooking one little detail.

The water in that bucket
happens to belong to me.

I'm sorry, Fred. Here you are.

- I'll murderlize you.
- It's my bucket.

Stop running, you insect.

Hiya, Fred.
Meet my new watchdog, Buzzsaw.

Your new watchdog?

Yeah, he's wonderful.

He instinctively knows
when somebody don't like me.

Then he chases them.

Good dog.

Good dog.

Let's see.

"V -E -T."

-"Veterinarian."
- Will you hurry up, Wilma?

Here it is.

Hello?

Yes. Okay, I'll tell him.

- Who was it?
- Barney.

- What does he want?
- He says you borrowed his watchdog.

He wants it back.

- Fred?
- Yeah?

Why don't you pay your back dues?

Then you could get your cup, we could
sign a peace treaty with the Rubbles...

and live more neighborly ever after.

Peace treaty?
Just when I'm planning a counterattack?

Okay, it was just an idea.

I see some more of my property.

Let's see.

Maybe I can turn the hose on him tonight
while he's sleeping.

So sorry, my ball.

Deuced nuisance, but my club, you know.

Tee, too.

I'll beat a tee, too, on your head,
if I ever get you.

Good dog.

Will you try being friendly just for me?

Go over and give Fred the cup.

Then ask him in a nice way
to give you the dues he owes.

I'll try it, but you know Fred,
it won't work.

I just know it'll work.

Fred's really sentimental.

When he sees the cup, he'll soften up.

And when Barney goes into that...

"Close friend, bosom buddy, lifelong pal"...

Fred will break down and cry.

In fact, Barney will break down
and cry, too, if I know him.

They're a couple of sentimental guys.

They really love each other.

That you, Barney?

I told you it wouldn't work.

The nerve of that little molecule.
Knocks on my door and says:

"Give me the dues, you cheapskate,
or you don't get the cup."

He got the cup all right.

Yeah?

- What do you want?
- My hammock. What else?

That's as far as you go, buster.

I am going to tell you once and only once.

- Let go of that hammock.
- Okay.

Fred!

What are you doing in the refrigerator?

Never mind. Pass me the salt.

Hi, Betty.

No, no break in the cold war yet.

In fact, it's getting a little chillier.

I don't believe it.

He called the Missing Link Fence Company
and ordered a solid fence...

40 feet long and 80 feet high?

What did they say?

They told him what it would cost,
and he said, "Forget it."

Then he went out
to get an estimate on a moat.

Here he comes. Bye.

- You home, Wilma?
- Right here, Fred.

- What's all that stuff?
- I'm throwing a little party.

I'm glad to hear we're having
some fun around here for a change.

Who's coming?

- Just a few of the boys.
- Boys? Like who?

Like Joe Rockhead.

Joe Rockhead! That loudmouth?
You hate him.

I know, but he's just right for the party.

- Who else?
- Malcolm Quartz.

That big showoff?

The last time he was here,
he broke a lamp.

He's just right for the party.

- And who else?
- Eddie, Sam, Pete.

And you know the one who likes
to dance with you all the time?

I know him well. Left-foot Charlie.

What's the matter?
Did they close the pool hall?

Droll, very droll. But I'll ignore it.

For your information...

this party's going to be
like Mardi Gras and New Year's Eve.

- I don't get it.
- Simple.

You know how Rubble loves parties.

When he hears the racket
and smells that steak barbecuing...

he'll go out of his mind.

- That'll make two of us.
- He'll be sorry he ever started up with me.

Come on, let's get the party on the road.
Start making sandwiches.

All right, fellows, all together.

What the matter with Flintstone?
He's all right

A little louder. I want Rubble to hear it.

Hey, Fred. You sure know
how to throw a party.

Thanks, Charlie.
Having a good time, Wilma?

Yippee.

I'll change the record for you.
Come on, let's keep this party going.

Attaboy, Fred.

Hold it, Mac.

Thanks.

Don't mention it.

How's that, Charlie?

Great, Fred. I love waltzes.

Yeah. So does Wilma.

Yuck.

What do you say, Eddie,
is that charcoal ready?

Red-hot and ready, Freddie.

Okay, you guys,
drop that dinosaur steak on the grill.

One top sirloin for ten, coming up.

Boy, wait till Barney gets
a whiff of that beauty barbecuing.

Blow some smoke
over in Barney's direction.

Right, Fred.

It's costing me plenty
to make that little shrimp's mouth water.

But it's worth it.

Come on, let's change the music
and start things up.

Look at that Charlie. What a dancer.

Charlie can dance to anything.

But don't forget, it takes two to tango...

and Wilma's the greatest.

- Excuse me.
- Sure.

Hello? You'll have to talk a little louder.

Oh, hello.

Sure. I'll take care of it. Bye.

- Who was it, Wilma?
- It was Betty.

Oh, yeah? I suppose Barney's
begging to come to the party.

He can beg all he wants to.

He can beg on his hands and knees.
I'm not inviting him.

Betty just wanted me to leave a note
for the milkman...

-not to bring anything till Monday.
- He can beg standing on his head...

Monday? What do you mean Monday?

The Rubbles are away for the weekend.

- You mean that sneak's not home?
- Nope.

- He's not smelling that steak?
- Nope.

- He's not hearing this party?
- Nope.

What's the matter with Flintstone?
He's all right

Hold it.

Hold it, please, will you, fellows?
Thank you.

I interrupt this party
for a special announcement.

Good old Fred. What a host.

- What's the announcement, Fred?
- Get out!

Out, you freeloaders. Out!

All of you. 0-W-T, out!

I think it's a great idea.

The only thing that worries me
is if they find out that we did it.

I can't take another week of this.
I'll try anything.

Okay, let's put Operation Buddy-Buddy
into work.

It better work or we're dead.

Betty.

- I'm in here, Barney.
- Fred finally gave up.

What do you mean?

He paid up his back dues,
and he's a member of good standing again.

Well, isn't that nice?

But you know something, Barney?

When you see Fred,
I wouldn't mention anything about it.

Sure, I get it. You know me.

- Tactful, diplomatic.
- And president of the lodge.

Yeah.

- Wilma.
- Yes, Fred?

Ta-da!

Fred! You got the cup. How did it happen?

They just handed me the cup
and didn't say a word about the dues.

- But I know it's Barney's doing.
- Barney?

Sure, the poor little guy.
He knows he can't get along without me.

President of the lodge, without me
to advise him. He had to get me back.

I'll bet he talked them
into giving me an honorary membership.

Don't mention anything about it
when you see him.

You know what I mean?

Sure, I know what you mean.
You know me.

- Tactful, diplomatic.
- And you got the cup.

Yeah. Ain't it a beauty?

You know, I think I'll show Barney
how a big man behaves.

- I'll go over and see him.
- I'll go with you.

- But remember...
- Don't worry. Not a word.

Brother Barney,
how are things at the lodge?

Could be better, Brother Fred.

Yes, I know, but I'll give you a hand.

Say, I'm glad to see the cup
on your mantel where it belongs.

Right, with the champ.
Where else, Brother Rubble?

Naturally, if I had played, I'd have
beat your brains out, Brother Flintstone.

- You? Beat me at golf?
- With one hand tied behind my back.

You put your golf clubs
where your mouth is.

Anytime.

And after I beat you at golf,
I'll give you a bowling lesson.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. And then I'll beat you at pool.

- Is that so?
- Yeah, that's so.

Listen to them fighting.

Yeah. Thank goodness
they're friends again.

Wilma!

Come on, Wilma, open this door!

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