The Finder (2012): Season 1, Episode 3 - A Cinderella Story - full transcript

Ira, voice-over: There are approximately
200 bars and nightclubs

in south beach.

Assuming the average capacity
is 500 persons

and 52% of those are women and
65% of those women are single,

on any given Saturday night,
there are 33,800 women

available for a potential
romantic liaison.

32,000 single women?

That's a sobering statistic.

Did you just do
that math in your head?

It's elementary for a man
of my intelligence.

I solved the Calogero equation
on a napkin in middle school.



So you smiled at her,
she smiled at you.

What happened next?

I'm Ira Messing.

Hi. I'm Lisa.

So what brings you here, Ira?

I read a study that if
a single man of my age

goes without sex
for a year and a half,

his chances of never having sex again

increase by a factor of 6.

It's been a year and a half
since you had sex?

Yes, it has.

And you were hoping
to have sex with me?

Not you specifically.

But it makes sense that in
order to increase my chances



of having sex,
I should go out into the world

and have drinks with women.

Zero effort produces zero outcome.

Ira, are you some kind of math nut?

Yes, I am.

I head up the program to
calculate asteroid vectors.

So you'll be the first person to know

if life as we know it
is gonna be obliterated?

Yes.

And hopefully come up with
a plan to prevent the collision

save the earth?

Yes.

Ira, voice-over: I told her
what I do for a living.

She was definitely impressed.

How do you know she was impressed?

Ira, voice-over:
She kissed me.

Right on the lips.

That's my thanks
for saving the world.

In the future when
trying to impress women,

saving the earth should
be your opening line.

I've been told that despite
the fact it's true

I might come off as boastful.

What happened after she kissed you?

I removed bird feces from her hair.

Wow. Ira, now you're
pulling out all the stops.

And then it happened.

My name is indigo Montoya.

- You killed my father.
- You killed my father.

Prepare to die.
Prepare to die.

I love that movie.

So do I.

[Cell phone rings]

Hello.

Why are you calling me? No.

Will you just leave me alone? Please.

I perceive that you are distraught.

It's fine.

May I have my phone back, please?

Lisa, if something's wrong,

I'd like to help.

Pal, your bill.

Subsequent to Lisa's disappearance,

I performed a classic expanding
spiral grid search pattern on foot.

I called all the cab companies.

I also called my friend
at the national security agency

to look at satellite
photos of the area

to see if there was any sign of Lisa.

What would you tell them to look for,

a carriage made out of pumpkins?

I don't follow you.

What did she write on the napkin?

Whatever it was, it became
saturated with beer.

I dried it out in the oven...

How'd you get my name?

My friend at the NSA.

Who might that be exactly?

I really cannot say.

Stan, right?
In black ops?

I'm not allowed to say.

Can you find Lisa, please?

She's in danger.

If Lisa actually looks
the way you described her,

then she's a 9.

I am aware of the popular
scale subjectively ranking

interpersonal measures
of sexual attraction.

You are probably ranking me as a 6,

but if so, you must
also account for the fact

that amongst some women,

intelligence raises
that number substantially.

Voila!
To your new signature drink.

It's based on a recipe
that Rasputin created

for the last czar of Russia.

Whoa!

That is vomitous.

Sometimes a woman
loses a man in a bar

because she suddenly remembers
she met him in a bar.

Our encounter encompassed
all 5 indicators

of a deep connection:

Chemistry, touch, voice pitch,

eye contact, uncensored speech.

What uncensored speech?

We discussed the bird feces
in her hair.

I will pay you $10,000.

And after your death,

I can arrange to have
your ashes shot into the sun.

Wow. How can you refuse
an offer like that?

Thank you.

What is that for?

Our records.

{pub}So this one is done by an artist

who started out in a gang,
tagging buildings.

A criminal who turned
his life around.

Real subtle, Leo.

I'm not trying to be subtle.

I'm trying to open your mind.

Oh!
Hey, watch it!

Sorry.

What?

Go tell that man he dropped
his wallet and give it back.

And if he offers you
a reward, say no.

Ahh... whatever.

Willa: Excuse me.

Sir? You dropped your wallet.

Leo?

Do you know that man?

Yes.

Who is he?

We all got people from
our past we need to shake.

Yeah, it looks like you're
doing a great job of that.

Let's go.

[Music playing]

You come here often?

Wow. You could really
use a fresh pick-up line.

It's not a line.
It's a question.

Yeah, I come here often.
I'm Therese.

Walter. I'm looking for someone.

Let me guess.
Cinderella.

I thought you might
recognize the shoe.

It's possible
that the owner's a prostitute.

Like you.

[Scoffs]

Honey, we're called party girls.

It's a matter of semiotics.

That's pretty smart talk
for a party girl.

You have no idea how much it costs

to get a doctorate
in statistics from Rutgers.

I am up to here in student loans.

Wow. Very limber.

And as you can see,

I'm wearing the exact
same shoe in black.

Looking for a blonde girl.

She was here at the bar last night.

Beauty mark right here.

Lisa.
She's not one of us.

She's strictly a lonely hearts
give-it-away-for-free type.

Yet you have the exact same shoe?

She asked me where I got
my shoes. I told her.

Girl thing.

Will you tell me?

Huh. Why should I?

I'll tell you something you don't
know but you'd like to know.

Madison boutique on sand dollar.

Ask for Johnny.
Tell him Therese sent you.

OK, your turn.

You know those are knock-offs, right?

Excuse me?

Glued, not stitched.

I'll kill Johnny.

Can you not kill Johnny
until after I talk to him?

How did you know my password?

You say it to yourself
when you type it in.

In case you didn't notice,
your voice kind of carries.

[As Leo]
Ozymandias.

If you wanted to know about my past,

you could have asked me.

This dude killed your family?

Get off my computer, please.

Go back to work, please.

We'd be the same age.

Is that why you took me in?

You got some bent psychology

that I'd replace your dead daughter?

You want to buy me something?

Why not?

Because most of the time
you forget to charge people

to find the things that you find.

People are very grateful
for what I do.

I have more than enough money

or things that could be
turned into money.

Yeah, OK, please don't say anymore.

As a federal agent, I might have
to report you to the tax man.

What are you gonna buy me?

Shoes.

Ha. I love shoes.

I'm very girly in that way.

Amongst other ways.

Wait a minute.

What do I have to do?

Oh, just be yourself.

I love these.

I love these so much I could cry.

Clerk: I want to cry just seeing
how perfect those look on you.

Isabel hasn't cried since
the doctor slapped her ass.

A doctor slapped my ass yesterday.

I didn't cry either.

I'll let you have them for 1,060.

Plus tax.

Ha ha!

Oh, God. Here we go.

These shoes might as well be chains.

I mean, you charge a woman $1,000

for something that
subjugates her to men.

What subjugates?
They make her 4 inches taller.

They really do.

Well, she can't run in them, can she?

You know, let me tell you something.

Those shoes are designed
to position her glute in a way

which, amongst the primates,

suggests that she is in heat.

These are the same impulses
that make fashion photographers

photograph women lying on the ground

or slumped to take away
their dignity and their power.

Sisters arise and resist!

I don't understand what you're saying

'cause you're making
good things sound bad.

My legs look 4 inches longer.

Right.
Would you excuse us for a second?

Oh, sure.

This is so going on my blog.

Therese sent me.

Ay, crappity crap, crap, crap.

Can you give me a hand?

Yes, mister.

I meant I want the special price.

600 bucks a pair.

Come on, they're knock-offs.

I prefer the term counterfeit.

I can do 200 bucks.
Final answer?

I'm gonna level with you.

Yes?

I'm not here for the shoes.

Yes?

I'm looking for a woman.

No...

One of your counterfeit
customers named Lisa.

Lisa is a very common name.

You see this wear pattern?

Comes from gripping the toes tightly

'cause the shoe is too big.

Now, Lisa has different size feet,

so you probably tries to get
you to sell her mismatched pairs

which you probably say
no to, so she scrunches.

Oh, that Lisa.

You're gonna have to give me
a good reason to tell you more.

Nipple clamps would be a good start.

You see the woman
out there I came with?

Mm-hmm.

She is a cop.

So either you tell me
where I can find Lisa,

or I'll ask Isabel back here to
look into your special closet.

Isabelle: I'm gonna keep
these in the box

until I ask Leo if he can
actually afford 1,000 bucks.

They were only 200 bucks.

They're fakes.
What?

I feel I should point
out that even though

you think you look more
beautiful in those shoes,

you actually don't.

I'm pretty sure I do.

No. The kind of beautiful you are

has nothing to do with those shoes.

Bonus. I figure you point out

the counterfeit shoe ring
to customs enforcement.

It's a fine feather
in your career cap,

which is now 4 inches
further from the ground

because of those counterfeit heels.

[Horn honks]

Thank you for my lovely gift, Walter.

Hello?

On TV when a door swings open
when you knock on it,

it means you're gonna find
the place all rifled through

and a mystery.

OK. And if the apartment
isn't tossed,

there's a dead body.

In a bathroom.

Usually behind the shower curtain.

Huh.

[Sniffs]

[Click]

[Electrical crackling]

Ah!

That was choice number 3.

{pub}Oh, wow.

Can I take these out?

Not so fast.
Who are you?

Walter.
I'm looking for Lisa.

Who are you?

Amanda. Lisa's roommate.
Are you a creep?

Not for the most part.

You can take those out,
but you should know I'm reloaded.

How'd you carry 2 baskets of laundry?

Huh. There's only 1.

This is a really good taser.

Oh, can I have some water, please?

How come you never asked me
what I want from Lisa?

Ow.

You want what every man
wants from Lisa.

Which they always get, by the way.

I don't want that.

I just... want to return her shoe.

Oh. That's new.

Anyway, I don't know where Lisa is.

I haven't seen her in days.

Is that normal?
Yes.

She goes places with guys...

And she always comes home alone.

Then she goes and buys
herself one of these things

to cheer herself up.

Personally these
make me feel suicidal.

But whatever.

Hey. Have you seen this guy?

Of course.

Really?

Yeah. I subscribe to
"scientific American."

That's Ira Messing.

He works for NASA.

It's his job to protect
the earth from rogue asteroids.

Did Lisa know who he is?

Lisa wouldn't recognize
Stephen Hawking

if he knocked her over
with his wheelchair.

Hawking's a really famous physicist.

I know. I once found a pocket
particle accelerator he lost.

That's good.

It's not in the least
surprising she knew me.

I'm very famous in certain circles.

Very small circles.
Like dots.

The point Walter's trying to make

is Thalisa makes a habit
of disappearing.

With men.

You say that with great portent
as though I should care.

Most men do.

Lisa was terrified.

She was in danger.

I have to help her.

Why does a guy who can
save the whole world

worry about 1 woman?

Because saving the world doesn't
make you any less lonely.

Have either of you ever had children?

Yes.

And wouldn't you give up
the world for them?

Yes.

I want a woman to love me.

I want a family.

Not to mention I owe it to
the world to pass on my intelligence.

Don't worry. Walter won't stop
looking until he finds her.

I can help.

I don't like help.

I hate help.

Please.

Walter, after you find Lisa,

it would be nice for Ira if
he had played a part in it.

He can take all the credit.
I don't care.

No, Mr. Sherman,
you don't understand.

I would actually like
to help Lisa. For real.

Maybe Ira should stake out the bar.

What good is that gonna do?

In case Lisa returns there.

You think she might do that?

[Mouths word]

Count on me.

Check.

I see what you're doing.

Getting him out of my hair.

OK. Let's go with that.

What is wrong with you?

I saw him.

Nathan Stein.

Did you kill him?

Not so far.

Willa was there when I saw him.

Then she looked us up
on the Internet.

She's not supposed to have access.

She hacked my computer.

It's not exactly hacking when
you say your password out loud

every time you log on.

Ozymandias.

She says I'm looking for
a daughter replacement.

Leo, Willa's really good
at pushing people's buttons.

It's her special gift.

You just need to change your password

or she's gonna be on there
all the time.

That's one way to solve the problem.

[Cell phone rings]

Who is this?

Hey, it's me.
We busted the shoe store.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I got tased today.

I'm sure you deserved it.

I'm invoking my right to silence

'cause people like to talk
in this situation.

Oh, my God, is that Johnny?

Yeah, he's invoking
his right to remain silent.

Well, say hi for me.

If I can get a word in edgeways.

Let me have a pair of
those counterfeit shoes.

Size 12.

Why, you dating an Amazon?

Nope. They're for me.

Of course they are.

Hey, look, I've had a chance
to cool down since last night.

Yeah, what was that all about?

If I fire you, then
your probation officer

will put you back in detention.

Fire me?

You can stay here
until you find another job

or living arrangements.

Wait. You're getting rid of me?

Yes.

OK, OK. You've made your point.

I've learned my lesson.

Never mention the dead daughter.

I'll give you good recommendations,
but you have to leave.

You aren't welcome here anymore.

Maybe you should
start out small, you know?

Little eye shadow and silk panties.

What are you doing?

Finding stuff.
What are you doing?

Did you tell Leo to fire me?

Nope. I told him
to change his passwords.

He fired you?

I made him mad I guess.

Oh, you guess.
Isn't making people mad your top talent?

Leo takes things too serious.

Willa, Leo came
face to face with the man

responsible for the deaths
of his family.

It's pretty serious.

Then you compared yourself
to his dead daughter.

Argh. God.
These shoes make my feet hurt worse

then when they got
whipped in Bahrain.

How do I make Leo not mad?

Build a time machine,
don't be so horrible,

don't be born in the first place.

Hey, it's not like I don't want
to get the hell out of here.

Liar.

You don't want to go anywhere

until you break into my vault.

What? I don't want to
break into your vault.

What vault?

Oh, please.

You're easier to read
than a large print

Harlan Coben novel.

Anyway, you said your vault's
impossible to break into.

It is.

Then you've got
nothing to worry about

and should tell me what
to do so I can stay.

Please, Walter.

You got 3 options.

1, apologize.

Tried it.
Didn't work.

2, beg for mercy.

I don't beg.
What's number 3?

A teak splinter.

How do you think you get a teak
splinter in the bottom of a shoe?

A boat.

Very good.

3, you find a way
to make it up to Leo

and you make it good.

Like what?

That is your problem.

So we're looking for a boat.

With teak decks, yeah.

I see about a hundred boats in
this marina with teak decks.

I count 87.

There's got to be
a thousand marinas in Florida.

1,527.

And you picked this one
marina because...

Before showing up at the night club,

Lisa got teak splinters in her shoes.

From a boat?

Ira checked with the cab companies.
Nobody picked her up.

She was within walking
distance of the club.

In high heels.

Believe me, it's like
walking on hot coals.

And this is the only marina within
stiletto hot coal walking distance.

I figured Lisa meets
a big bad wolf on his boat,

he creeps her out,
she totters off on her high heels

looking for prince charming.

You're just messing
with Willa, right,

about this whole get gone thing?

Nope. You were right about her.
I was wrong.

I can't help her.

So which boat is
the big bad wolf boat?

Lisa also had bird poop in her hair.

[Gulls crying]

This guy is a diamond courier?

And rubies and emeralds, like that.

What's the con?

No con.
Smash and grab.

No. That's not how we roll.

We steal.
We don't rob.

What's the difference?

You hurt civilians,
the police get their interest up.

You take stuff,
the cops let it slide.

Timo, it's a quarter million
dollars worth of jewels.

Fine. If you're too chicken,

I'll just as Costa.

He's scarier than you anyway.

Will you just...
Give me a minute?

Just...
I need to think.

Florida statute 8.10 section HC

defines trespass
as willfully entering

without authorization of invitation.

What if I just trip and fall on it?

It's America.
We sue.

I'll risk it.

Oh!

It's teak.

Walter?

You remember what happened

the last time you walked
through an open door?

Yes. That's why you should go first.

Let's make this fast.

You know how I feel about boats.

Oh, man.
What died in here?

It's a fishing boat.
I'm guessing fish.

Do fish have molars?

Do fish have feet?

{pub}I need to you
find out who owns a boat.

I need you not to confuse
me with your secretary.

I'm always game for
a little role play,

but this is time sensitive.

Walter, I don't have
time to flirt with you.

Tell her about the bird,
the tooth, and the shoes.

What?
What tooth?

Leo says hi.
Isabel sends her love.

No, she did not.

What are you hiding?

Boat's called stardust.

Forget it, Walter.

Thank you.

Walter... Walter?

We need to take the shoes.

Statute 9.18, section 13a.

Tampering with or
fabricating evidence

5 years in prison.

If we turn this over to the police,

I'll never find Cinderella.

Walter, doesn't this look
like a serial killer to you?

Yes. Like a serial killer
who kills women with size 8 feet.

And who handles
serial killers? The FBI.

What about by the time the FBI
catch up to where we are now

Cinderella will be hamburger.

If Lisa's not dead,
we should try to save her life, right?

Aw, man, you are not playing fair.

I'm Ira. You're Lisa.

Ira's the serial killer?

Fits the profile.

Smart, awkward, focused, an outsider.

You just described yourself.

I'm Ira.
I meet you in a bar.

Buy you a drink.
We chat. We chug.

We flirt.

Why do I have to be the girl?

A life is at stake here, Leo.

You look especially
dapper this evening.

Best you can do?

Yes.

OK.

I lure you back to my boar lair

where you get a sliver
of teak in your shoe,

poop in your hair,

then things get weird.

Then things get weird?

Get a little creepy with the shoe.

[Sniffs]

Mmm...

What are you doing?

Ow!

That's what I'd do.

Then I'd run away and hide

leaving my shoe behind because
you're slobbering on it.

It's a pretty neat theory, though.

A very good theory.

Where are you going?

If prince charming is out there
grinding up women into hamburger,

someone should keep an eye on him.

I'll keep looking for Cinderella.

There he is.

Can you do this?

Don't be shy.

Be a man.

Hand over the briefcase.

I don't think so.

Ah!
Help!

I'm being robbed!

Timo:
The hell with this.

Uh! Oh!

Now, you worm, now!

Ah!

Ah...

Now what do you want?

Ow!

You can't kill people
and just walk around

being rich and happy.

OK, OK, OK.

Ow! Ow!

[Moaning]

Ozymandias.

Uh. Uh. Argh...

You got the shoe?

You want to try it on?

What girl could resist
happily ever after?

What's the matter with you?

That's not the right question.

The right question is,
what's the matter with the slipper?

This isn't working.

It's complicated.

After all,
not all women have the size feet.

Well, I can make it fit.

Don't. Walter?
Walter?

Walter? Walter?

Walter?

Hi.

Don't hi me.
What are you and Leo up to?

I think we may have blundered
onto a serial killer.

What?
What did you say?

These are shoes I found on a boat

that might belong to a serial killer.

Are you telling me you removed
evidence from a crime scene?

- Yes.
- Did those shoes belong to the victims?

That's what I thought.
But look. See?

Walter, you've potentially
compromised an investigation

not to mention opened yourself
up to criminal charges.

The wear pattern is
the exact same in every shoe.

From the toes gripping.

So?

So these shoes don't
belong to the victims.

They belong to the same person.

The killer?

Thank you for paying attention.

{pub}[Cell phone rings]
Walter, I can't talk right now.

Ira's on the move.

The woman he's following
meets Lisa's description.

Prince charming is not the killer.

It's Cinderella.

What?

All of these shoes were worn

by the same person... Lisa.

She drops them and then kills

all the prince charmings
that track her down.

Are you sure?
Yeah.

Lisa's the killer?

Am I not being clear?

They're leaving.

You got to stop 'em, Leo.

- Do you have 'em?
- No!

Meet us at the boat.

We attacked and crippled
a straight for a Rolex

and a grand in cash?

Oops.

Oops? There's no oops, Willa.

You did this on purpose.

Relax, Timo.

Relax?

We just crippled a guy
and you won't even tell me why.

I'm beginning to think what
they say about you is true.

What do they say?

That you're only half Romani.

Who says that?

Your father wasn't gypsy.

And some people say
that makes you gaje.

What are you gonna tell Uncle shad?

Well, what do I say?
Will made me do it?

It makes me look weak and stupid.

Take it easy.

You don't get it, do you?

You lied to me.
Family.

Uncle shad finds out,
he'll declare you gaje,

banish you.

Without the family, you're nothing.

You're all alone in this world.

This Lisa person fakes
that she's scared,

then she takes off,
leaving her shoe behind.

That's right.

The men find her,
and then she kills them.

So how do regular non-finder
prince charmings find her?

Remember the napkin?

The one that got soaked?

She writes something on it,
probably the name of the boat.

Lucky for Ira it got soaked,

or he'd be dead now.

Aw, man.

She can't be much ahead of us.

Walter. Walter!

You're the finder.
How do you find these people?

We follow the bird poop.

How do we follow bird poop?

The best is to follow the birds.

Statute 8.12 section 14.

A person commits theft if he obtains
or uses a property of another.

I will risk it.

Walter? Walter!

[Gulls crying]

[Muffled yelling]

[Electrical crackling]

2 prince charmings
for the price of 1.

This really is a good taser.

[Electrical crackling]

Ah! Argh!

{pub}Would you ever consider
tying yourself to the anchor?

The world would be a better
place if all serial killers

started with themselves.

Huh.

You know, you are the
first charming to find me

without the napkin.

Guess that makes you the smartest.

Well...

[Muffled]

Not to boast,

but technically
I'm the smartest charming.

And yet here you both are,
tied to chairs,

about to become snacks for fish.

Well, that makes you the smartest.

You know you all think
you're the smartest charming.

But none of you knows
the first thing about real romance.

It's just all about sex.

You told me so yourself.

I was hoping she'd find
my honesty refreshing.

Nah, they never do.

Why do you hate
prince charming so much?

I don't hate prince charming.

I'm still waiting for him
to Wald through that door.

So far you've just
all been imposters.

What empirical results
would you have to observe

in order to conclude you'd found
the real prince charming?

She needs someone to see
past her beautiful exterior,

to get to know
the real her like I do.

Your favorite scent is jasmin.

It's also your favorite flower.

You hate "ghost" and heathcliff

but love "Ladyhawke" and Lancelot.

You fell in love when you were young.

But it was forbidden love.

A cousin maybe or... another girl.

But ever since then,
you have been searching

for that special person, the one.

But in your heart,

you know that you always
want what you cannot have,

and that, that is not fair.

I brought you something.

It's in the bag.

Go ahead.

Just let me put it on your foot.

I just need 1 hand.

Uh!

Whoa!

[Electrical crackling]

Aah! Ah!

[Banging, muffled yelling]

Oh...

You OK?

Yes.

Oh. Oh.

Do you realize how close
you were to getting killed?

You should be happy.

You get all the credit for
catching a serial killer.

Taste this.

Believe me, I love getting credit,

but not if it means you're dead.

Don't get all soft on me, Zambada.

Oh, my God.

This is the best drink
I ever had in my life.

Yeah? I call it the Knox me out.

After Leo. Get it?

I get it. Very clever.

'Cause his name is Leo Knox?

And this place needs
a signature drink.

Ira:
The asteroid known as apophis

could pass close enough
to earth in 2029

to affect a perambulation
in its path.

Well, I estimate
the chances of that happening

as approximately 1 in 250,000.

Ooh!

Quit talking smut over here.

Ha ha!

What is going on over there?

I promised to find his Cinderella.

That's her.

True love is a strange animal.

So what are you doing
running the bar?

Where's Leo?

Leo's taking care of
a human resources problem.

Can I say something?

If you lie to me,
I won't be able to do the right thing.

What's the right thing?

Keep you at the ends of the earth.

I won't lie.

OK. Who helped you?

My cousin Timo.

Gypsies steal.
They con.

They don't beat people
with baseball bats.

I bamboozled Timo into it.

If he tells the family I lied to him,

they'll kick me out.

Are there any rules you won't break?

It's Walter's fault.

He said make it up to you.

So I did.

Walter meant bake me a cake.

The violence was totally on you.

Violence comes from anger.
I know what I'm talking about.

Because Nathan Stein made decision

he knew would kill
your wife and daughter?

When I set out to kill Nathan Stein,

Walter stopped me.

That's why we're all together now.

I know it made you glad to see
that man all bruised and beaten up.

My heart soared.

But what my heart
needs is to forgive.

He doesn't deserve it.

I deserve it.
You deserve it.

What was your daughter's name?

Ellie.

Her name was Ellie, and I loved her.

Thank you for forgiving me.

That's right.
Thank you.

You better say thank you.

Well, I did.

It's pretty.

That's right it's pretty.

You better say it's pretty.

Well, I did.