The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin (1976–1979): Season 1, Episode 2 - Nightmare in the Park - full transcript

I'm sorry.

It doesn't matter.

You should have married Henry Possett.

Henry...? I didn't want to marry
Henry Possett.

You were tired, that's all.
You need a really good break.

- You need a month off, Reggie.
- Yes, well, I can't just now,

not when we're setting up
this exotic ices project.

Ask CJ for a holiday, tomorrow.
You've never had a whole month off.

Well, what's gonna happen to
all those exotic ices?

There's a sad, deprived nation out
there, desperate for Mango Delight,

Fig Surprise,
Strawberry and Lychee Ripple.



Now, you go in to see CJ tomorrow,
and you tell...

Tell him where to stick
his Fig Surprise? Yes, I might.

- I just might.
- Be firm and masterful.

Yes, I will. I will!

You quite sure I have to be
firm and masterful?

- Of course you should.
- Right, then I will.

Oh, God, here come the Milfords,

back from their snifter
at the golf club.

Wait for it, slam the doors.

Thank you.

Now the garage doors.

Thank you. Shut up!
Some people are trying to get to sleep.

- Reggie, you'll wake the neighbours.
- They are the neighbours.

I don't want to offend them,
they were very nice about it that time



you parked on their front lawn
in the fog.

Sorry! Good night!

- Good night, darling.
- Good night, darling.

- I am sorry about tonight.
- It doesn't matter.

You were tired, that's all.

Oh, for God's sake, don't be
so understanding all the time.

Don't you understand how annoying it is
always to be understood?

I know.

I understand.

- Umbrella.
- Thank you, darling.

- Briefcase.
- Thank you, darling.

Now, remember to ask CJ
for a whole month off.

- I will.
- Have a good day at the office.

I won't.

- Morning, CJ.
- Morning, Reggie.

- Please sit down.
- Thank you, CJ.

Oh, sorry.

- What was it you wanted, Reggie?
- I want a holiday, CJ.

- Yes, yes?
- I need at least three weeks.

Why three weeks?

Well, so that I can work
with even more enthusiasm

on this wonderful exotic ices project.

Yes. Will three weeks be enough?

Yes. Thank you, CJ. That's very good.
Thank you, CJ. Morning, CJ.

Bye, CJ. Bye, CJ...

CJ. Mmm. What a stupid name, CJ.

a stupid name? Reginald Iolanthe Perrin?

There's a reason for mine.

I was born during
The Climthorpe Players' Production...

Of Iolanthe.

Sorry, Reggie?

No. Sorry, nothing, Peter, no.

A year later and I'd have been
Reginald Pirates Of Penzance Perrin.

- Morning, Joan.
- Morning, Mr Perrin.

Eleven minutes late.
Defective junction box, New Malden.

Oh, that reminds me,
Colin Edmonds from Admin rang.

It seems you have
the wrong kind of hat stand.

- Yours has four pegs.
- So?

It seems you only have entitlement
to a three-peg stand.

Oh, my God,
is this the beginning of the end?

Food Firm Executive Found Hanging Naked
From Minute Hand Of Big Ben.

"I'm only a three-peg man!" he cried.

David Harris-Jones and Tony Webster
are coming in any minute

to discuss the trial sales areas
of exotic ices.

Good.

Oh, my God, I haven't even
worked out their areas yet.

Quick, quick, Joan. Maps, maps.

Here, Lancashire.

- Lancashire.
- Right. That's it.

Yes, wastepaper basket.

Well, that's Tony's area. Hertfordshire.

Thank you.

No, no. Handbag, please.

Eeny Meeny Miny Mo...

There, that should do.
That should be fine. Right.

Yes, right, come in.

Ah, Tony, David. Come in, come in.
Just in time.

Well, sit down.

Well, we've chosen the areas
for the new sales campaign.

Here they are, Lancashire, Tony.
David, Hertfordshire.

- Great!
- Super.

Yes. Now, these areas
have been selected...

All right?

These areas have been
chosen by the computer

from information fed to it from
our market research

preliminary break-down survey.

- Great!
- Super.

Oh, I see. Yes, my area takes in
all the new towns in a sort of wedge

shaped like a giant handbag.

That's it. Yes, that's it.

- Super.
- Good.

- Just one point.
- Yes?

Well, 20% of my area
seems to be in the sea.

Spotted it! Very good.
Excellent, Tony, very good, very sharp.

Yes, yes, quite right, lots of trawlers,

tankers, liners, dredgers, submarines,
Isle of Man ferries.

Whole new sales area,
breaking totally new ground.

- I see. That's great.
- Super.

Good, off you go, lads. Don't let
the grass grow under your feet.

- Great!
- Super.

Got rid of them. Now let's finish
last night's letter, shall we?

To the Manager, Get-It-Quick Super Mart,

Get-It-Quick House,
77 Car Park Road, Birmingham,

5BL E43 5RS,

HBD,

2441, 3...

Yes?

Yes. Thank you for your comments
of the 27th ult.

Your complaints about late delay
are not only completely unjustified,

but also ungrammatical.

The fault lies in your inability to
fill in an order form correctly.

You are, in effect,
a pompous, illiterate baboon.

Yours faithfully, Reginald I Perrin.

Mr Perrin, are you feeling all right?

Yes, absolutely toppo,
never felt better in my life.

In fact, I was only saying last night,
Joan, to my wife, how...

How well l've...

Well, I say feeling well,
I've not been...

not absolutely

been sleeping too well
and I don't seem to able to...

Anybody wants me, Joan, I shall be down
the corridor seeing Doc Morrissey.

Extension 242.

Come in.

Oh, Reggie, come and sit down.

What can I do for you this time?

Well, it's not exactly for me, Doc.
It's for...

It's for... It's for my friend.

- Joan? Feeling chesty, huh?
- No, this is a male friend.

- Oh.
- Anyway...

It's rather personal
and he can't talk about it.

He's too shy to see
his own doctor about it.

And what seems to
be your friend's trouble?

Well, um, I-I...

He, um...

Well it's... It's about...

You know.

Lately he hasn't been able to...

As it were...

...very much.

If at all.

I see, and how long
hasn't he been able to...

- As it were, very much, if at all?
- Well...

He didn't say exactly, but I got
the impression from what he said

that it was approximately in the...
Two months and three days.

How old is he? 46, is he?
The same as you?

Forty-sixish.

Married, is he? Presumably.

Yes, yes, with two children,
both left home.

Rather like you.

Yes.

Work?

Rather like me, actually.
Similar sort of bloke.

Similar sort of bloke, really.

I see. Well, then, tell your friend...

Will you be seeing him?

Yes. I may even be seeing him today,
funnily enough.

Well, tell him it's nothing to
worry about, it's perfectly natural.

Probably overworked, overanxious,
needs a break.

Oh, good. That's a great relief.
To him.

If it was you, I could give you a chit
for a month's sick leave.

Oh, yeah, that would be marvellous, Doc.
Yes, that'd be nice.

Pity it isn't you, really.

Yes, that is a pity.

Right. Right, thank you, Doc.
Well, that's um...

You've eased my friend's mind a lot.

Good.

So, this sort of thing
isn't entirely unheard of, then?

I'm afraid not.

I've got a friend who hasn't
as it were, very much, if at all,

for five months.

Are you sure
you want to send this letter?

Hmm?

Yes, why not? Don't you think "pompous,
illiterate baboon" is rude enough?

Ah, send it.
Tell the truth for a change.

- Trolley!
- Ah, coffee break.

- Now, what do you want, Joan?
- No, it's my turn.

- No, no, I'll do it.
- You did it yesterday.

Yes, well, I'll do it again today.

All right, just a coffee.

Ah, Mrs Peaslake.
Come in, come in. Two coffees, please.

Two cream horns,
two pieces of Battenburg.

Oh, thank you, no, please.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, four cream horns,
six digestive biscuits,

two slices of Dundee and
eight pieces of Battenburg.

- Oh, make up your minds.
- I don't want anything to eat.

I want you to have them, I want to give
them to you. Take them home with you.

- Mrs Peaslake, I'll take the lot.
- What, all the cakes?

Yes, the lot, the biscuits the cakes,
the lot.

But you can't, I'll have nothing
left for the Crumble department.

Nothing left for Flans and Accounts.

Let them eat bread.

Well, you can't have the last piece of
Battenburg 'cause that's spoken for.

I'm sorry, is it spoken for? Who by?

Mr Norris from Crumbles. Always has
a piece of Battenburg of a Friday.

Mind you, he cuts the marzipan off
and gives it to Dierdre with the wart.

I am awfully sorry, Mrs Peaslake,
but ordering is not allowed.

You may remember in 1971, I asked you
to reserve me a macaroon. You refused.

Well, it's not exactly ordered,
it's more of a gentlemen's agreement.

I'm sorry, Mrs Peaslake,
I'm not a petty man,

but if Mr Battenburg can have
his Norris,

I don't see why I shouldn't
have had my macaroon.

Please, I don't want anything, anyway.

I'm sorry, but here is a fiver,
Mrs Peaslake, keep the change.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

- I'll get you a nice box for them.
- Wonderful.

And you can reserve a macaroon
any time you want.

Can't wait.

- Hey?
- I don't really like cake.

Oh, go on, go on, live a little, eh?

Mr Perrin.

Yes.

I've worked for you for eight years,
do you mind if I say something?

Sounds rather ominous, Joan, what is it?

I think you need a holiday.

Oh, God, everybody seems to think
I need a holiday.

Good evening,
here is the nine o'clock news.

Today Russia invaded China,

Richard Burton married Elizabeth Taylor
for the seventh time,

and in the Commons
the Prime Minister told the House

that Reginald I Perrin
was in need of a holiday.

Oh, God!

- You see, I need a holiday.
- Well, go in and ask CJ.

Yes, I will. I damn well will.

Get him for me, Joan, would you please?

Tell him I want to see him immediately.

Hello, CJ? Mr Perrin for you.

CJ, Perrin here, yes. Perrin...

CJ, I...

Yes, CJ. Certainly, CJ.

He wants to see me.

One, two, three, four,
make 'em sweat outside the door.

Five, six, seven, eight,
always pays to make 'em wait.

Nine, 10, 11, 12. Come!

Ah, Reggie.

- Sit down.
- No, thank you, CJ.

Be firm, be masterful.

He's only human.

- What?
- Nothing, CJ.

Funnily enough, CJ,
I wanted to see you...

I'll come straight to the point, I
didn't get where I am today by waffling.

- No, CJ, no.
- Never use two words

where one will do. That's my motto.

That's my axiom.
That's the way I look at things.

Yes CJ. I wondered, CJ,
while I was here...

Would it surprise you to learn, Reggie,
that overall sales in April

across the whole spectrum
were down 0.1%?

No, not particularly, CJ.

I don't say to you, Reggie,
pull your socks up.

I say to you that overall sales in April
across the whole spectrum

were down 0.1%.

I leave you to draw your own conclusions
and pull your socks up.

Yes, CJ, yes.

I didn't get where I am today
without learning how to handle people.

No, CJ.

I give them a warning shot
across the bows.

But I don't let them realise
I'm giving them a warning shot

across the bows.

- Yes, CJ.
- Not that I want to be

entirely surrounded by yes-men.

No, CJ.

So my message to you is this.

Go full steam ahead
on the exotic ices project.

This is the big one.
I want reports daily.

Absolutely, CJ.

- Daily!
- Certainly, CJ, it's all well in hand.

Well, what did you want to see me about?

Be firm, be decisive...

- Be masterful.
- What? Well, what is it?

Be masterf...

I want a holiday, CJ.
I want a holiday and I want it now.

Do you, now?

Yes, CJ. I really must ask you
for at least four...

Well, not less than three.
Certainly not less than three...days.

It's a bad time to ask, you can't
spare me. Yes, I quite understand.

I just thought while I was here, CJ,
I would... Long weekend?

No, absolutely impossible.

- Well, thank you anyway, CJ.
- Sit down.

You're on edge, you need a holiday.

Yes, that's why I asked you
for one, CJ.

Impossible.

I'll tell you what we'll do, though.
We'll compromise.

I didn't get where I am today
without learning how to compromise.

- Take the afternoon off.
- Thank you, CJ.

I don't know what you do
at the weekends, Reggie,

but take your wife into the country
for a quiet couple of days.

Just the two of you.
You'll return a different man.

That's what Mrs CJ and I do
and we return different men.

Thank you, CJ. I will, CJ.

- Reggie.
- CJ?

Middle age can be a difficult time,

not that we're one of
those dreadful firms

that squeeze a man dry
and then abandon him.

We value experience too highly.
Goodbye, Reggie.

- Oh!
- Hello there.

- You're home early.
- Yes.

Nothing wrong, is there?

No, no. Why should there be? No, no.

I haven't been sacked,
Sunshine Desserts aren't going bankrupt

and I wasn't arrested for plunging naked

into the fountains at
Trafalgar Square after all.

No, why should...
Why should anything be wrong?

I don't know, I just thought
maybe it's because you're home early.

I mean, you usually come home
at the usual time.

- Yes.
- Did you ask CJ about the holiday?

Yes. Isn't that the watering can
we got at Epsom?

- Well?
- Well what?

Well, how did it go with CJ
and the holiday?

Oh, very well indeed, very well.
Yes, I've got the afternoon off.

Oh, well, never mind, darling.
Well, never mind.

Nice, long, quiet weekend, eh?

Well, don't forget we're going to
see Mother on Sunday.

Yes, well, never mind. We'll have a nice
long, quiet tomorrow tomorrow, eh?

Yes, just the two of us
in the country, eh? A walk, a beer.

Beer... Walk... Beer...

And I'll cook us
a lovely dinner tonight.

- I've got a nice piece of fillet steak.
- Ah, lovely.

And this afternoon
we'll do absolutely nothing.

And after we've done that
we'll do some more nothing.

Oh, no!

Oh, God, I don't care who it is,
they're not coming in.

- I'm sorry, we don't want any today...
- Reggie.

Oh, hello, Jimmy, come in.

- Your brother.
- Oh, hello, Jimmy, how's the army?

- Mustn't grumble.
- Drink, Jimmy?

Ten past three, almost tea time.
Whisky, please.

Look, no beating about the bush.

Bit of a cock-up on the catering front.
Muddle over shopping.

Fact is, right out of food.
Just wondered if you'd got anything.

Just bread or something.

- Pay you, of course.
- I wouldn't hear of it, Jimmy.

Oh, thanks, decent of you.

Wouldn't have asked, only kiddies
yelling, general hoo-ha.

Bit of a cock-up over pay.

You know, wifely ructions,
storm cones hoisted.

Oh, yes, of course. What would you like?

There's some bacon and eggs,
Danish salami.

Half a loaf, carrots, oranges, sprouts.

Two pork chops, a piece of fillet steak.

Yeah, that lot will do fine, thanks.

Right.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Well, how's the world of puddings?
- Oh, fine, wonderful, Jimmy.

Good.

On duty tonight, tactical exercises.
Burnt cork on face.

Africa represented by Bagshot Heath.

British parachute into Ascot,

Communists hold Camberley,
Chinese frigates off Woking.

Yes, that sounds fun.

- Going on leave soon, need a holiday.
- Oh, yes.

Awkward johnnies, holidays.

German barber at a camp I was at once,
BAOR 23,

didn't have a holiday for three years.

Went bonkers,
became convinced he was a deck chair.

I said to him, "Morning, Hans,
short back and sides, please."

And he said, "No can do,
but you can sit on me if you like."

Yes.

- Visitors. Bad luck.
- I'll go.

Tricky blighters, visitors,
never know when to leave.

Always outstay their welcome.

Yes, some of them do, Jimmy.
Another drink before you go?

Almost tea time. Besides,
mustn't drink and drive.

- Very wise, same again?
- Yes, please.

- Hello, Dad.
- Hello there, darling.

- Hello, Uncle Jimmy.
- Hello, how's my favourite niece?

Oh, I've just cycled over.
I'm so hot I'm sweating. God!

- Nonsense.
- Still, the exercise will do me good.

- I'm carrying too much weight.
- Nonsense.

- What's the matter with the car, then?
- Tom's crashed it.

Stupid nit.

Oh, dear, dear, what a shame.

Yes, he was showing a client round
a house valued at £42,960

and he drove straight through
the bow window of the dining room.

- Treacherous chaps, cars.
- Here we are.

Oh, thanks.

- Literally saved our bacon.
- Tom's crashed the car, Mum.

And we'd promised to take
Adam and Jocasta

to the safari park tomorrow.

I was wondering if you and Dad
could take us?

- They're so looking forward to it.
- We'd love to normally, Linda...

- Of course we will.
- But... But of course we will.

- Yes, of course we will.
- That's what I said. Of course we will.

Well, I must be off, tempest is
fuging away, ta for the nosh.

Nonsense. Toodle-pip, TTFN.

Would you like a cup of tea, Linda?

Oh, no, thanks, Mum. I've got to rush,
I've got to pick up the children.

They're finger painting in
Mrs McPherson's spare room.

Lucky old Mrs McPherson.

Thanks very much
about tomorrow. Bye!

Do you think I could have a cup of tea,

if you haven't posted it all off
to your mother?

- I'm sorry, but he is my brother.
- I fancied that steak.

I'll get a Chinese takeaway.

I don't want a Chinese.
I don't like warmed-up haystacks.

We'll eat out.

In Climthorpe? I don't think
we're medically insured, are we?

Oh, by the way,

shalll phone the Pontarddulais
Male Voice Choir or will you?

What for?

To invite them on our
quiet day out tomorrow.

I'm sorry, but what could I do?

Adam and Jocasta are our grandchildren.

It was going to be a month's holiday
and now what is it?

An afternoon stifling in a safari park
with Linda,

that bearded wonder of a husband
of hers and those damn children.

Reggie, for shame.
You'll have a lovely time, you'll see.

Hmm.

Look! Yak.

There isn't much to say about a yak.

Isn't it marvellous?

The cars all moving round in herds,
and all the animals are parked.

- What's that, Daddy?
- A wastepaper basket.

Look! Zebra crossing.

Ho, ho!

- What's that?
- A starling.

Why have we pulled up?

Because I'm hot.
It's like a Turkish bath in here.

- I'm opening the window.
- You are not supposed to.

It's dangerous.

What did you and Linda
have to eat yesterday?

Squid with garlic. Why?

Just wondered.

"You are approaching
lion country. Close all windows."

So we could have had
the window open.

Sorry.

"If in trouble, blow your horn
and wait for the white hunter."

- Lions, children.
- Why are lions?

- Why are lions what?
- Why are lions lions?

Because they come from
other Lions.

Why aren't lions ants?

Because they don't
come from ants' eggs.

- Why am I me?
- Oh, shut up!

Dad, please. I must ask you
not to talk like that.

I done biggies.

That's not the right way
to say it, Adam.

It's "I've" done biggies.

Let them talk the way they want to, Mum.

Well, they should be helped
to speak correctly.

They might want jobs
with the BBC one day.

Yes, well, BBC newsreaders all say,
"I've done biggies."

It's just that we have our own way
of bringing them up.

We treat them not as children,
but as tiny adults.

Oh, shut up, you bearded prig!

Reggie!

No, if Dad feels like that
he should get it off his chest.

Sorry, but why am I a bearded prig?

- You really wanna know?
- Yes.

Because you have a bright red,
open-plan-finish playpen,

you put supposedly witty house adverts

in the Cookham-on-Thames
Ditton Chronicle,

you brew your own parsnip
and nettle wine,

you smoke revolting briar pipes,

you built a Gothic stone folly
in your garden,

you called your children
Adam and Jocasta

and made them eat garlic bread
the moment they were off the breast.

All right?

I see. Thank you.

Not at all.

Move on, darling.

I'm not moving on
till you start enjoying yourselves.

All right, he's a failure.
I'm a failure.

Everything I plan is a failure
but we're here now, and I'm not moving

till you bloody well
start enjoying yourselves.

Shut up!

Please, stop making a spectacle of us.

Oh, yes, you hate that, don't you?

Father! Not in front of the children.

They're not children,
they're tiny adults.

Well, not in front of
the tiny adults, then!

Please, darling. Move on!

I'm not,
till you start enjoying yourselves.

- We are enjoying ourselves!
- It's a marvellous outing!

Oh, all right.

Blast! Bloody thing!
I hate cars, I hate bloody machines!

I done poopie-plops in my panties!

It's "I've" done poopie-plops
in my panties.

Yes, Adam.
I wonder if you really think

that was a good idea?

It's going to get a bit uncomfortable
for you later on, you know.

Not just for him.

This was supposed to be an outing.

I think on reflection,
the safari park wasn't a very good idea.

Well, thank you.
That's very helpful.

Yes, it's hardly started yet.

We've got the monkeys
on the roof to come yet,

rubbing themselves against the aerial,

doing their poopie-plops
all over my windscreen.

- Look, lions!
- Oh, look at the nice lions!

Please don't say that.
Lions aren't nice.

We want them to grow up
to see reality as it is.

Ah, but is it?

- Is what?
- Is reality as it is?

- Well, of course it is.
- Don't be absurd, Dad.

It's overheated.

Thank you, Stirling Moss.

I've seen livelier lions
in Trafalgar Square!

Oh, God!

Lions that won't move,
cars that won't start.

Oh, to hell with it, I'm going out.

Is that altogether wise?

Look, the animals are all
probably doped,

in any case
I am going out, all right?

To a world blessedly free of garlic
and sweat and poopie-plops.

And if you don't like it
you can stick it in your pipe,

stick a clove of garlic up your...

And drown in your own nettle wine,
all right?

Reggie! Come back!

- Sorry.
- It doesn't matter. I understand.

I don't want you to understand.

- I know how you feel. I understand.
- Oh...

Oh, God!