The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 8, Episode 14 - Post-Christmas Card - full transcript

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♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪

♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH,
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE GROWIN',
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪

♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪



♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ ALL ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ ALL ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪

ALL RIGHT, ONE PLASTIC
DAYGLO ANGEL COMING DOWN.

JO, IT'S THE END OF
THE HOLIDAY SEASON.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU COULD BE A
LITTLE MORE SENTIMENTAL ABOUT IT?

ONE SANTA BITES THE DUST.

SEE YOU NEXT YEAR, FATSO.



CHRISTMAS SPIRIT DIES HARD.

HEY, GUYS, I FOUND
THIS IN MY CLOSET.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

COMPARED TO THE LAST 4 OUTFITS

YOU'VE COME DOWN
WITH, THAT'S JUST AS BAD.

THANK YOU, JO. I CAN
ALWAYS COUNT ON YOU

TO TAKE MY DAY AND
WRAP IT IN SUNSHINE.

DON'T LET HER GET TO YOU, NAT.

SINCE HER NEW YEAR'S
RESOLUTION IS TO STOP INSULTING ME,

SHE'S BEEN INSULTING
EVERYONE ELSE.

YEAH, BUT IT'S JUST NOT
AS MUCH FUN ANYMORE.

I MEAN, IF YOU'RE GONNA
PIN THE TAIL ON SOMETHING,

IT MIGHT AS WELL BE THE DONKEY.

JUST A FIGURE OF SPEECH.

JO'S RIGHT. MY RESOLUTION IS TO
HAVE A MORE PROFESSIONAL IMAGE.

I KNOW IT, YOU KNOW IT.

NOW I'M GONNA GO UPSTAIRS
AND LET MY CLOTHES KNOW IT.

OH! OH, LOOK, PLEASE, BE REALLY
CAREFUL WITH THOSE ORNAMENTS.

THESE ARE THE ONES GIVEN TO ME

BY MY GRANDMOTHER
HILDEGARD VAN KROLL,

WHO CAME HERE FROM A
SMALL VILLAGE IN BAVARIA,

WHERE SHE... NOPE.

I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.

OH, DON'T STOP. I LOVE
THE PART WHERE YOU SING

CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN.

NO. NO. NO, NO-NO, NO.

I'M NOT GOING TO
DWELL ON THE PAST.

WE ALL PUT 20 BUCKS IN
TO SEE WHO COULD KEEP

HER NEW YEAR'S
RESOLUTION THE LONGEST,

AND I'M GONNA WIN THE POT.

OH! HA HA!

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

THIS IS JUST LIKE THE TIME...

NO! BEVERLY ANN!

SHUT UP!

WE SHOULD'VE MADE THESE
RESOLUTIONS A LONG TIME AGO.

I'LL GET IT.

HELLO.

YEAH. HOLD ON A SECOND.

BLAIR, IT'S FOR YOU.

WHO IS IT?

WELL, HE DIDN'T SAY, BUT
FROM THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE,

HE'S ABOUT 6 FEET
TALL, 180 POUNDS,

AND DRIVES AN ALFA ROMEO.

HMM. IT'S EITHER
REED, LANCE, OR CARLO.

HELLO.

OH, PERRY!

WHAT A SURPRISE.

SURE, I'D LOVE TO
SEE YOU TONIGHT.

UH-UH-UH.

REMEMBER YOUR RESOLUTION.

NO DATES ON SCHOOL NIGHTS.

UH-UH-UH.

REMEMBER YOURS. NO MEDDLING.

YOU TWO ARE GONNA CRACK.
THAT 100 BUCKS IS MINE.

PERRY, I WOULD LOVE
TO SEE YOU TONIGHT,

BUT I ALREADY HAVE A DATE.

WITH A MATH BOOK.

IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT AND...

WELL, YOU KNOW ME. HA HA!

YES, THIS IS BLAIR.

SORRY. OK. BYE.

THAT WASN'T SO HARD.

THOUSANDS OF
NUNS DO IT EVERY DAY.

BETTER?

NIGHT AND DAY.

MAIL CALL!

A LETTER TO NATALIE
FROM THE BANK.

"PLEASE RETURN THE PEN
AND THE CHAIN ATTACHED."

GIVE ME THAT!

ANYTHING FOR ME?

YEAH. HERE YOU GO.

THE APPLETON FIREMAN
OF THE MONTH CALENDAR.

OOH, BEVERLY ANN,
NOT BAD! 4 ALARMS!

HEY, GET A LOAD OF THIS.

"DEAR MS. GREEN,
"CONGRATULATIONS.

"AS A RESULT OF YOUR
LONG-STANDING RESIDENCE IN PEEKSKILL

AND YOUR STABLE
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY..."

4 MONTHS AT SEÑOR
SOMBRERO, "STABLE"?

MAYBE THEY'RE REFERRING
TO THE HORSE MEAT

THEY PUT IN THOSE TACOS.

"WE ARE ISSUING THE ENCLOSED
CREDIT CARD APPLICATION

"WITH A PREAPPROVED
$3,000 LIMIT.

"PLEASE SIGN WHERE INDICATED,

AND YOU WILL RECEIVE YOUR CARD."

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

I'VE BEEN TURNED DOWN 6
TIMES FOR A CREDIT CARD,

AND I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHY.

MAYBE IT'S 'CAUSE
I'M DIVORCED...

AND I DON'T HAVE
A CREDIT HISTORY.

OR A JOB.

OR ANY MONEY.

THOSE BANKS ARE
TOUGH, ALL RIGHT.

I'M GONNA CALL THAT BANK AND
GIVE THEM A PIECE OF MY MIND.

I'LL GO WITH YOU.

SOMETIMES THEY LISTEN TO A MAN.

NATALIE.

THIS MUST BE A VERY
EMOTIONAL MOMENT FOR YOU.

I REMEMBER WHEN I GOT
MY FIRST CREDIT CARD.

I STARED AT IT FOR HOURS.

THEN I LAY BACK DOWN IN MY CRIB.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO
WITH A CREDIT CARD?

NAT, YOU COULD BUY
SOMETHING NICE FOR YOURSELF,

SOMETHING THAT WOULD GIVE YOU

THAT MORE PROFESSIONAL IMAGE.

WHY CAN'T I DO THAT WITH CASH?

CASH?

YOU MAY AS WELL USE
TRINKETS AND BEADS.

SIGN THE APPLICATION.

COME ON, NATALIE. PICK
OUT SOMETHING TO BUY.

I'M JUST TRYING TO PICK
OUT THE RIGHT THING.

I DON'T WANT TO PANIC YOU,

BUT YOUR CREDIT CARD
DOES EXPIRE IN 2 YEARS.

OK.

I WILL TAKE THESE
BUNNY RABBIT EARMUFFS.

THAT'S 4.98.

YOU CAN'T USE A CREDIT CARD

FOR A PURCHASE THAT SMALL.

OK. I'LL PAY CASH.

COME ON, NATALIE. A
CREDIT CARD MEANS POWER.

CHOOSE SOMETHING
MORE PROFESSIONAL.

LIKE... WELL, LIKE THIS
APPOINTMENT BOOK.

THIS IS PERFECT FOR YOU.

IT COSTS 50 BUCKS,
EVEN WITH MY DISCOUNT!

YOU WANT ME TO SPEND $50

TO WRITE DOWN
"PICK UP A RYE BREAD"?

THAT'S A VERY UNPROFESSIONAL
ATTITUDE, NATALIE.

DO YOU WANT TO GET AHEAD
IN THIS WORLD, OR DON'T YOU?

WELL, I'M USED TO
SPENDING 50 BUCKS ON A CAR!

THAT'S THE BEAUTY
OF A CREDIT CARD!

YOU JUST PAY A SMALL
AMOUNT OF THE BALANCE

AT THE END OF EACH MONTH.

ISN'T NATALIE GREEN WORTH
A FEW DOLLARS A MONTH?

THERE'S GOTTA BE A CATCH.

WHAT ABOUT INTEREST?

OK, A FEW DOLLARS
AND SOME CHANGE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, SPORT?

I DON'T KNOW.

FINE! THEN DON'T DO IT.

BE A CREDIT CARD VIRGIN FOREVER.

WAIT A MINUTE. DID I
SAY I DIDN'T WANT IT?

WRAP IT UP!

AND CHARGE IT.

HA HA!

OH, AND THROW IN
THESE EARMUFFS, TOO.

I'M SORRY, BRANSON,

BUT I HAVE TO LIMIT MY
DATES TO THE WEEKENDS.

BUT I DO HAVE SOME
TIME BETWEEN...

11:45 AND 12:15 2
WEEKS FROM SATURDAY.

GREAT. I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

OH.

AND DON'T BE LATE.

OK.

HAVING TROUBLE KEEPING
YOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION?

NOT AT ALL. HOW ABOUT YOU?

NO PROBLEM.

REALLY?

YOU KNOW...

BRANSON THINKS I'M
WITTY AND CHARMING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK BRANSON'S AN IDIOT.

PRETTY SLICK.

OK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS
MY BEST QUALITY, JO...

MY WIT OR MY CHARM?

CAN I HAVE A TIME-OUT

ON MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION?

NO.

THEN I HAVE NO COMMENT.

HELLO! WOULD THIS
BE THE PEEKSKILL HOME

FOR PROFESSIONAL WOMEN?

NATALIE, I'M SPEECHLESS!

I'M ABSOLUTELY FLOORED!

I MAY EVEN WANT TO BORROW THAT.

WHY, THANK YOU.

THE SALESLADY ASSURED
ME THIS ENSEMBLE

MAKES ME LOOK CRISP.

IT'S GREAT. IF YOU'RE
A POTATO CHIP.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, JO?
DON'T YOU LIKE THE NEW ME?

I THOUGHT THE OLD YOU WAS FINE.

THIS FROM A WOMAN

WHO THINKS
CAMOUFLAGE IS A COLOR.

NATALIE! WHAT HAPPENED?

Y-YOU LOOK SO... CRISP?

I WAS GONNA SAY DIFFERENT.

BUT I LIKE IT.

IT'S FOR MY NEW
YEAR'S RESOLUTION.

I WENT SHOPPING THIS
MORNING FOR A NEW IMAGE,

AND I FOUND IT.

HOW MUCH IS A NEW IMAGE
GOING FOR THESE DAYS?

TOOTIE,

SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE APPROACHING
THE ON RAMP OF MEDDLING.

NO! NO, NO.

JUST A SIMPLE,
FRIENDLY QUESTION...

IN CASE I WANTED TO
BUY THE SAME OUTFIT.

ONLY IN A DIFFERENT COLOR.

I DON'T MIND TELLING
YOU IT WAS $300.

OH, MY LORD.

IT'S AN INVESTMENT. I
CAN WEAR THIS FOR YEARS.

NATALIE...

NATALIE...

IF I WERE THE KIND OF
PERSON THAT MEDDLES...

I WOULD WONDER HOW SOMEONE
WHO BARELY HAS AN INCOME

COULD BLOW THAT MUCH
MONEY ON ONE OUTFIT,

BUT THANK GOODNESS I'M
NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON.

TOOTIE, IT'S A MERE $30 A MONTH.

THIS CREDIT CARD HAS OPENED UP

A WHOLE NEW WORLD FOR NATALIE.

THANK YOU. I KNEW BLAIR
WOULD UNDERSTAND.

AND THAT GIVES YOU COMFORT?

I HAVE MY FIRST REAL

HONEST-TO-GOODNESS APPOINTMENT
IN MY APPOINTMENT BOOK.

LUNCH.

OOH.

THINGS LIKE THAT.

YOU DON'T JOT THEM DOWN,

DINNER'S RIGHT ON TOP OF YOU.

PART OF BEING A PROFESSIONAL,
SUCCESSFUL WRITER

IS MAKING CONTACTS,
SO NEXT WEEK,

I'M HAVING LUNCH WITH
A PROMINENT PUBLISHER.

OH, I THINK THAT'S GREAT.

SO WHERE ARE YOU DOING LUNCH?

JUST A MOMENT. LET ME CHECK.

IN NEW YORK!

I COULD JUST SEE ME NOW,

SWEEPING INTO THAT
RESTAURANT WEARING THIS OUTFIT,

CARRYING A SIMPLE, YET
ELEGANT, ATTACHE CASE...

YOU DON'T HAVE AN ATTACHE CASE.

WELL, THAT REMINDS ME.

BUY SIMPLE, YET
ELEGANT, ATTACHE CASE.

AND CHARGE IT.

I AM SO PROUD OF HER!

SHE REMINDS ME SO MUCH
OF ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG.

HI. HI.

OH, BLAIR, THERE ARE
SOME MESSAGES FOR YOU

ON THE MACHINE.

OF COURSE.

Man: HI, PRINCESS.
THIS IS KERRY.

DINNER TONIGHT?

THAT ROMANTIC LITTLE
FRENCH RESTAURANT,

THE ONE WITH THE STRING QUARTET?

CALL ME.

Second man: HI, PRINCESS.
THIS IS GREGORY.

I'VE GOT 2 TICKETS TO THE
BALLET THURSDAY NIGHT.

HOW ABOUT IT?

Third man: HI,
PRINCESS. CHAD HERE...

THIS IS TORTURE.

I KNOW.

COULD SOMEONE GIVE
ME A HAND, PLEASE?

OH, MY GOODNESS!

OH, MY!

WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF?

JUST A FEW THINGS
I BOUGHT MYSELF.

WILL YOU GET THE OTHER
PACKAGES I LEFT IN THE CAR?

THANKS.

THERE'S MORE?

I'LL GET THEM.

I THOUGHT YOU WENT TO NEW YORK

TO MEET A PUBLISHER FOR LUNCH.

I DID.

THOSE DON'T LOOK
LIKE DOGGY BAGS.

WINDOWS ON THE WORLD IS THE
MOST INCREDIBLE RESTAURANT.

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN
THE PUBLISHER'S FACE

WHEN I PICKED UP THE TAB.

YOU PICKED UP THE TAB?

OF COURSE. IT WAS THE
PROFESSIONAL THING TO DO.

PEOPLE WON'T GIVE YOU A JOB

IF YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED ONE.

NATALIE, WHAT ABOUT
THESE PACKAGES?

YOU'VE GOT STUFF FROM
BONWIT'S AND BERGDORF'S AND SAKS

AND A LOT OF OTHER STORES

THAT END IN "UCCI" AND "INI".

LISTEN, TOOTIE, I THOUGHT
CRISP WAS ENOUGH,

BUT WHEN I SAW THOSE
BUSINESSWOMEN IN THAT RESTAURANT,

I REALIZED THAT
DRESSING FOR SUCCESS

REQUIRES MORE THAN ONE OUTFIT.

SANDRA DAY O'CONNOR MADE
IT TO THE SUPREME COURT

WITH ONE BLACK ROBE.

NATALIE, DON'T YOU THINK...

JO, HELP ME. I NEED A
DESIGNATED MEDDLER.

I'LL GIVE IT A WHACK.

NAT, WHAT THE HELL DO
YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

WHERE ELSE AM I GONNA
GET THE WARDROBE I NEED?

I HAVE 2 WORDS FOR YOU:

SWAP MEET.

I WOULDN'T EXPECT
YOU TO UNDERSTAND.

BLAIR, TELL THEM.

NATALIE, I THINK
YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND.

LOOK AT ALL THIS
STUFF YOU'VE CHARGED.

I DID JUST WHAT
YOU WOULD'VE DONE.

YOU'RE OVERLOOKING
ONE SMALL DETAIL.

I'M FILTHY RICH.

I KNOW HOW TO
HANDLE MY FINANCES.

IF I DIDN'T, THE BANK
WOULDN'T HAVE SENT ME A CARD.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, BEVERLY ANN?

IT'S SO EASY TO
GET CARRIED AWAY.

HA HA! THERE'S A
STORY I COULD TELL YOU

ABOUT THE PITFALLS
OF OVERSPENDING.

BUT I HAVE NO PAST.

I APPRECIATE YOUR
CONCERN, BUT DON'T WORRY.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE
ME, I'M GONNA SEE

WHAT'S MISSING FROM MY WARDROBE.

HERE, I'LL GET THIS.

OK.

WHAT'S MISSING FROM HER WARDROBE

IS A STRAITJACKET.

Tootie: THERE YOU GO.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

BYE-BYE.

OK, GUYS, TO PROVE TO YOU THAT
I DID NOT SPEND TOO MUCH MONEY,

I'VE BEEN ADDING UP MY
CREDIT CARD RECEIPTS,

AND IT COMES TO
A MERE... $1,994.38?

OH, WHAT A RELIEF.

AND WE THOUGHT
YOU WENT OVERBOARD.

HOW MUCH IS THAT IN
EASY MONTHLY PAYMENTS?

ABOUT $110 A MONTH.

NATALIE, TAKE THAT
STUFF BACK RIGHT NOW.

TOOTIE, YOU'RE MEDDLING.

BLAIR, I DON'T CARE.

SO I LOSE MY $20.

NAT, YOU'RE ONE
OF MY BEST FRIENDS,

AND YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

THAT'S MORE IMPORTANT.

I CAN HANDLE IT.

I'LL SELL TACOS DAY AND NIGHT.

I CAN SCALE SMELT
ON MY OFF HOURS,

AND... AND ON THE WAY TO WORK,

I CAN LOOK FOR ALUMINUM CANS.

AND IN YOUR SPARE TIME,
YOU CAN SELL YOUR BLOOD.

I GUESS I DID GO A LITTLE CRAZY.

IT JUST SEEMED SO EASY.

NOW WHAT DO I DO?

TOOTIE GAVE YOU THE SOLUTION.

TAKE IT ALL BACK.

ANY FINE STORE WILL
CHEERFULLY REFUND YOUR MONEY.

UNLESS YOU BOUGHT IT ON SALE.

SOLUTION NUMBER
2... I GOT YOU INTO THIS.

IT'S ONLY FAIR MY FATHER
GETS YOU OUT OF THIS.

HOW MUCH DID YOU
SAY THAT WAS AGAIN?

IT'S OK, BLAIR. I'M GONNA
DO THE PROFESSIONAL THING

AND GET MYSELF OUT
OF DEBT SOMEHOW.

AND THIS IS NEVER
GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN.

THAT'S WHAT MY EX USED TO SAY.

ARE YOU ABOUT TO
DWELL IN THE PAST?

I'M NOT ONLY GONNA
DWELL IN IT, I'M GONNA...

WALLOW IN IT.

ALL RIGHT! 2 RESOLUTIONERS
BUY THE FARM.

WHAT YOU'RE GOING
THROUGH, NATALIE...

REMINDS ME OF THE
PROBLEM FRANK HAD...

WELL, ONE OF THE
PROBLEMS FRANK HAD.

FRANK WAS A CHAIN SMOKER.

EVERY TIME THE DOCTOR
TOLD HIM TO STOP SMOKING,

HE PROMISED HE'D
NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

BUT HE ALWAYS DID.

WELL, ONCE, I... I TOLD HIM

THAT IF HE STOPPED SMOKING,

WE COULD... SAVE ENOUGH MONEY

TO TAKE A VACATION TOGETHER,

SO, HE, UH... CUT
HIS SMOKING IN HALF

AND WENT TO ACAPULCO WITHOUT ME.

THAT'S AN INSPIRING
STORY, BEVERLY ANN,

BUT I'M NOT FRANK. I HAVE
COMPLETE SELF-CONTROL.

AND TO PROVE IT TO YOU,
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU MY CARD.

I DON'T NEED IT, AND I
NEVER WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT?

I'M GOING TO HIDE IT.

JUST AS I DID WITH
FRANK'S CIGARETTES.

THOUGH IT'S GONNA BE HARDER

FEEDING THIS TO THE PIGS.

HELLO.

UH, NO, BLAIR CAN'T COME
TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW.

CAN I TAKE A MESSAGE?

SURE. I'LL LET HER KNOW.

BYE.

OH, BLAIR, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
WERE OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

WAS THAT FOR ME?

UH... YEAH.

EVIDENTLY, YOU FORGOT
YOUR REVIEW NOTES

FROM YOUR STUDY DATE LAST NIGHT.

SERIOUSLY, JO.

YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING I BROKE
MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION?

I MEAN, IF PERRY AND I
JUST HAPPEN TO SHOW UP

AT THE LIBRARY AT THE SAME TIME,

YOU DON'T CALL
THAT A DATE, DO YOU?

NO.

GOOD.

THAT WASN'T PERRY ON THE PHONE.

IT WAS THE WAITER
FROM THE RESTAURANT

WHERE THEY FOUND YOUR NOTEBOOK.

SO WE WENT OUT FOR
A BITE AFTERWARDS.

IT WAS JUST A WARMDOWN
FROM STUDYING.

IF YOU THINK YOU CAN GET
AWAY WITH AN EXCUSE LIKE THAT,

YOU'RE BLONDER THAN I THOUGHT.

THAT'S AN INSULT.

ALL RIGHT, GREAT. SO WE'RE
BOTH OUT OF THE CONTEST.

TELL YOU WHAT.

IF YOU DON'T SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT MY DATE,

I WON'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT YOUR INSULTS.

YOU ARE THE SNEAKIEST, MOST
CONNIVING, 2-FACED, UNDERHANDED PERSON

I EVER MET.

WHEW. THAT FELT GOOD.

NO DEAL.

NATALIE, YOU SURE YOU
DON'T WANT TO COME

TO THE CONCERT WITH US?

POSITIVE. I'VE PUT
MYSELF ON A TIGHT BUDGET.

OH, COME ON. I'LL TREAT.

WELL, THANKS, TOOTIE, BUT I
GOTTA GET SOME WORK DONE.

IF I CAN SELL JUST ONE
SHORT STORY A MONTH,

I'LL BE OUT OF DEBT IN NO TIME.

THAT'S VERY
COMMENDABLE, NATALIE.

BUT CAN YOU MAKE
ENOUGH MONEY THAT WAY?

OH, PIECE OF CAKE. I'M
GONNA SEND IT TO A MAGAZINE

THAT PAYS BY THE WORD.

HA HA! HA HA!

IT WAS A DARK NIGHT.

A VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY...

DARK AND DREARY NIGHT.

ANDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

CAN'T A GUY JUST
STOP BY AND SAY HI

TO ONE OF HIS BEST FRIENDS?

I GUESS HE CAN. COME ON IN.

THANKS. BESIDES,
MY TV's ON THE FRITZ.

MIND IF I WATCH YOURS?

I'M TOUCHED BY THE
DEPTH OF YOUR FRIENDSHIP.

HELP YOURSELF.

GREAT.

YOU DON'T MIND IF I JUST SIT
HERE AND PURSUE MY LIFE'S WORK

WHILE YOU WATCH TV, DO YOU?

NO, NO, NO. YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD.

WHAT IS THAT?

OH, IT'S GREAT. IT'S
SHOP AROUND THE CLOCK.

THIS CRAZY GUYS SELLS
ALL KINDS OF NEAT STUFF.

THAT'S RIGHT, SHOPPERS!

NOT ONLY DO YOU
GET THE METRIC DRILL

AND THE COMPLETE
SET OF METRIC BITS,

BUT I'LL THROW IN,
ABSOLUTELY FREE,

THIS 39-FOOT COLLAPSIBLE LADDER!

SURE, IT LOOKS LIKE AN
ORDINARY LADDER NOW,

BUT THAT'S BECAUSE
IT'S COLLAPSED.

NOW, YOU'RE PROBABLY ASKING
YOURSELF, HOW MUCH IS IT?

I'M ASKING MYSELF WHO'D WANT IT?

MOST STORES SELL THIS
METRIC DRILL FOR 39.95,

BUT LOONY LOU,
THE PRICE SMASHER,

WANTS YOU TO HAVE IT FOR THE
RIDICULOUS LOW PRICE OF 9.95!

WHY? I'M LOONY
LOU, AND I'M NUTS!

I'M NOT A WELL MAN. I
SHOULD BE INSTITUTIONALIZED.

SO ACT NOW BEFORE
THE MEN WITH THE NETS

COME AND TAKE ME AND
THESE LOW, LOW PRICES AWAY!

ANDY, HOW CAN YOU
WATCH THIS IDIOT?

THAT'S RIGHT!

JUST TAKE OUT YOUR
CREDIT CARD AND DIAL...

AND THE METRIC TOOLS ARE YOURS!

OUR NEXT ITEM IS SOMETHING
THAT NO ONE SHOULD BE WITHOUT.

A METRIC HAT.

A COMPLETE WORD
PROCESSING SYSTEM,

BETTER KNOWN AS
THE WRITER'S FRIEND.

I'M TALKING ABOUT A
KEYBOARD, A PRINTER,

2 DISK DRIVES, A MONITOR,

AND A REAM OF PAPER!

FROM A MANUFACTURER
YOU CAN TRUST.

AND IF YOU ACT NOW,

I'LL THROW IN, ABSOLUTELY FREE,

A COMPLETE SOFTWARE PACKAGE,

A CHECK TABULATOR,

AND A SENSATIONAL
NEW COMPUTER GAME

SPACE DONKEYS!

HEY, NAT, YOU COULD USE ONE
OF THOSE WORD PROCESSORS.

NOW I COULD, COULDN'T I? IT
PROBABLY COSTS A FORTUNE.

YOU PROBABLY THINK
THIS COSTS A FORTUNE,

AND USUALLY IT DOES.

MOST STORES SELL
IT FOR ALMOST $4,000,

BUT I'M LOONY LOU,
AND I'M OUT OF MY MIND!

MY LIGHTS ARE ON,
BUT NOBODY'S HOME!

- SO MY PRICE IS...
- 900...

AND 95 DOLLARS!

THAT'S RIGHT, $995!

YOU SAVE $3,000!

SO JUST DIAL 1-800-BUY-THIS

AND GIVE OUR FRIENDLY OPERATORS

YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

IT'S THAT SIMPLE,
SO DO IT NOW! NOW!

NOW!

OK, OK! OK!

I WANT THAT WORD PROCESSOR!

THEN GET IT.

I CAN'T! I DON'T KNOW
WHERE MY CREDIT CARD IS.

WELL...

WHERE'S THE LAST PLACE
YOU REMEMBER SEEING IT?

IN BEVERLY ANN'S HAND.

WHY DID SHE HAVE IT?

OH, SHE WAS PUTTING IT
AWAY FOR SAFEKEEPING.

SAFE FROM WHAT?

WHAT IS THIS, 20 QUESTIONS?

I GOT TO FIND THAT CARD!

WHAT'D THEY DO, HIDE
THE CARD FROM YOU?

OF COURSE NOT... OH, WILL
YOU LOOK UP THE CHIMNEY?

YOU'RE SMALL.

WELL, MAY-MAYBE THEY
DIDN'T WANT YOU TO USE IT.

WHO CARES WHAT THEY
WANT? THIS IS AN INVESTMENT.

WITH A WORD PROCESSOR,
I'LL BE ABLE TO WRITE

TWICE AS MANY SHORT
STORIES, MAYBE EVEN A NOVEL!

WHERE'D THEY HIDE THAT
CARD? THEY'RE NOT THAT CLEVER.

CHECK THE BACKYARD FOR PIGS.

YOU'RE GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.

I AM NOT OUT OF CONTROL.

LOOK, I... I CAN SEE
YOU'RE REALLY BUSY,

I'LL JUST... I'LL
JUST GO ON HOME.

FINE, ANDY. DON'T HELP ME.

JUST DON'T EXPECT TO
COME OVER HERE AND PLAY

WITH MY SPACE DONKEYS.

ALL RIGHT, WHO VACUUMED LAST?

WHERE'S MY CREDIT CARD?!
AND DON'T SAY THE FREEZER,

'CAUSE I ALREADY LOOKED!

NATALIE, ARE YOU
RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?

THERE'S THIS GREAT
WORD PROCESSOR ON TV,

BUT I HAVE TO
PHONE IN AND BUY IT

BEFORE THEY TAKE LOONY LOU AWAY!

YOU KEEP SPENDING LIKE THIS,
THEY'RE GONNA TAKE YOU AWAY.

JUST TELL ME WHERE IT IS.
I WANT MY CARD BACK NOW!

SHE WANTS HER CARD BACK NOW.

WHERE'S THE JUSTICE
IN THIS WORLD?

THEY WON'T GIVE ME A CARD

BECAUSE THEY SAY
I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE,

YET THEY GO AHEAD
AND GIVE IT TO SOMEONE

WHO'S SPENDING WAY
BEYOND HER MEANS,

AND IF SHE CONTINUES THIS WAY,

SHE'LL GET HERSELF INTO
SERIOUS FINANCIAL JEOPARDY.

HERE'S YOUR CARD.

OH, SURE. YOU HAD IT WITH YOU.

DIDN'T EVEN GIVE ME
A SPORTING CHANCE.

BEVERLY ANN, WHY
DID YOU DO THAT?

WELL, I TOLD HER
HOW I FELT ABOUT IT...

BUT IT'S HER CARD,
AND ULTIMATELY...

SHE HAS TO MAKE THE
DECISION HOW TO USE IT.

HELLO, SHOP AROUND THE CLOCK?

AM I TOO LATE TO ORDER
THE WORD PROCESSOR?

I THINK SHE'S MADE HER DECISION.

HELLO, LOONY LOU?

THIS IS NATALIE GREEN.

HEY, TELL HIM YOU'RE
A NUTCASE, TOO.

MAYBE HE'LL GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT.

CREDIT CARD NUMBER? SURE.

IT'S, UH, "478..."

NATALIE GREEN, YOU HANG
UP THE PHONE THIS MINUTE!

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO
DO! I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!

STAY OUT OF MY LIFE AND SHUT UP!

"33..."

"9..."

NEVER MIND.

TOOTIE, I'M REALLY SORRY.

IT'S OK.

EVERYBODY, I'M REALLY SORRY.

I'LL CLEAN UP THE
MESS I MADE DOWN HERE.

OK BY ME.

AND UPSTAIRS.

HOW'S THE STORE?

YOU GOT HERE JUST IN TIME.

NATALIE... GIVE ME
YOUR CARD BACK.

NO.

BEVERLY ANN'S
RIGHT. THIS IS MY CARD.

IT'S UP TO ME HOW
I'M GONNA USE IT.

I'LL BE READY FOR THIS
SOME DAY, BUT NOT NOW.

MY PROFESSIONAL IMAGE
WILL JUST HAVE TO WAIT.

NATALIE...

YOU DESERVE A LOT OF CREDIT.

NOT FROM THE
BANK... BUT FROM US.

CUTTING THAT CARD WAS A VERY...

PROFESSIONAL THING TO DO.

WELL, THAT'S IT.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO
DIDN'T BREAK A RESOLUTION.

YOU WIN THE MONEY.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO WITH IT?

WELL, I COULD TAKE
YOU ALL TO DINNER,

OR I COULD DO THE
MATURE, RESPONSIBLE THING

AND USE IT FOR MY FIRST
MONTH'S CREDIT CARD PAYMENT.

SO... ITALIAN OR CHINESE?