The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 3, Episode 12 - Green-Eyed Monster - full transcript
When Tootie beats Natalie for the lead role in the school play, a rift grows between the two of them.
♪
♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪
♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
We're here, Jo, slow down!
Leave the piano right there.
It's the perfect spot for it.
Well, how do you like my tree?
What are bananas
doing on a palm tree?
The bird needed
something to sit on!
Besides, I wanted
a splash of color.
You want color? Shoot the bird.
Mrs. Garrett, do I have to work in
an atmosphere of constant criticism?
Why not? I do, every time
I serve liver and onions.
Oh, don't worry, Blair, your scenery
will look like a tropical paradise.
Of course it will.
After all, I have been
to Hawaii six times.
Well, just remember South
Pacific takes place at a naval base,
not the Honolulu Hilton.
Oh, these school musicals always
make me feel like I missed my calling.
Maybe I should have given it
a shot on the Great White Way.
♪ You know,
there's no business ♪
♪ like show business ♪
♪ Like no business ♪
I know!
I know!
My mother's been singing that to me
over the phone for the past two weeks.
She is obsessed with me
playing the lead in South Pacific.
You'd make a
terrific Nellie Forbush.
Mrs. Garrett, bite your
tongue. I don't want the part.
I'll be lucky if I make
it through the audition.
I'm sorry I'm so late, but I was
working on my biology report.
The life cycle of a fruit fly.
Have you decided what
part you want, Tootie?
She's not trying out
for anything this time.
Yeah, I've just got too
much studying to do.
That'll be a first.
An Eastland Production without
Tootie Ramsey in the lead!
Can I help it if my reviews say
I'm "Dazzling and fun to watch"?
That's "Sparkling
and a joy to watch."
I know. I wrote it.
Maybe it was after your
triumph in Annie Get Your Gun.
No, it was Blanche in
Streetcar Named Desire.
But who all remembers?
Well, that's one way
to become a star.
Have your best friend
write your review.
Hey, Jo, why don't you try
out for something this year?
No way. I'm not gonna stand up
here and make a fool of myself.
But you do it so well.
Good morning, everyone.
Good morning, Miss
Downes. Hi, Miss Downes.
Are we ready? I
think so, Miss Downes.
All right, here's the cast of
characters and the sign-up sheet.
Now, we can put you
at a table over there, yes.
Miss Downes, what do you think?
I'm making 18 more just like it.
Oh, it's lovely, dear.
But your bird just hatched
a bunch of bananas.
Tootie, I need to
talk to you. Over here.
Tootie, this audition
is going to kill me.
Relax. Tension
makes you sing off-key.
I need a drink! No milk!
Never drink milk before
you sing. It makes phlegm.
No chocolate. Never
chocolate, it clogs your pipes.
No milk? No cookies? And
people want to do this for a living?
Girls, girls, hold it down.
The auditions
are about to begin.
Tootie, don't leave me.
Natalie, I'm not going anywhere.
Relax, girl.
Tootie, I'm so glad you changed
your mind about auditioning.
Oh, I didn't.
I'm just here for moral support.
Oh, but the play needs
you. You can't let us down.
I'm sorry, Nancy, but I can't...
Okay. First audition.
Natalie Green.
That's you.
Does it have to be?
Natalie?
Cone on, Nat, go ahead,
go ahead. Break a leg.
I should be so lucky.
Come on.
Whenever you're ready, Natalie.
♪
♪ I'm gonna wash that
man right out of my hair ♪
♪ And send him on his way ♪
Thank you, Natalie.
Now, see Mrs. Garrett and tell her
what roles you're interested in playing.
I wanna play the lead.
I wanna play Nellie Forbush.
Fine. See Mrs. Garrett.
I wanna play Nellie
Forbush, Mrs. Garrett.
Mmm-hmm. And who else?
Nobody else! I was born
to play Nellie Forbush.
Well, I thought you were auditioning
just to make your mother happy.
That's what I
wanted you to think.
That's what I
wanted them to think.
Them? Who?
The Fates! The Fates!
We have this
adversary relationship.
They're out to get me.
Oh, Natalie, I think the
Fates have bigger fish to fry.
Mrs. Garrett, every
time I want something,
somewhere in the
universe a door slams.
But I fooled them this time.
I said I didn't want the part.
I'm gonna get it for sure!
♪
♪ I'm gonna wash that
man right out of my hair ♪
♪ I'm gonna wash that
man right out of my hair ♪
♪ I'm gonna wash that
man right out of my hair ♪
♪ And send him on his way ♪
Natalie, I...
Easy on the Oreos.
You'll spoil your lunch.
I'm not hungry anyway.
Natalie, how can I say this?
You know there's a saying,
"There's a broken heart
for every light on Broadway."
Well, I'm afraid that
goes for Peekskill, too.
Are you delicately
trying to tell me
that Tootie got the
part of Nellie Forbush?
Don't bother, Mrs. Garrett.
Tootie started singing at 10:30.
At 10:31, the entire
state of New York
knew she had the part.
Natalie, there are still a
lot of good parts available.
What? Sailor number three?
Natalie, a good
actress is willing to...
Mrs. Garrett, I don't
want to be a good actress.
I wanna be a star!
Hi, Nat.
Oh, hello.
Natalie, I think we'd
better talk about this.
Mmm. Why don't I
leave you two girls alone?
Don't worry about
setting up for lunch.
We'll make do without you, huh?
You really wanted
that part, didn't you?
What makes you say that?
Well, after I got through singing,
when everyone else applauded,
you put your fist
through Blair's palm tree.
I was jumping for
joy and I tripped.
Nat, I had no idea that getting
this part was so important to you.
I know you didn't.
Nobody did.
Tootie, I wanted
that part so badly
that every night for two weeks I've been
down in the basement practicing my singing.
Was that you?
I thought we had
air in the pipes.
It was me
singing my pitiful,
little heart out.
Nat, if only I'd known...
But you didn't. But I didn't.
I know.
It was just a misunderstanding.
A silly misunderstanding.
A terrible misunderstanding.
Nat, is there anything I could
do to make this up to you?
Quit the play.
Is there anything else?
Look, you asked and I told you!
Oh, come on, be reasonable.
I am being reasonable!
You shouldn't have
auditioned in the first place.
I had no choice.
Those girls practically
pushed me on-stage.
You could have pushed back!
Nat, I didn't know
you wanted the part!
Look, I don't want to
make a big deal out of this.
But I'm begging
you, quit the play!
Nat, that's not fair!
Tootie, if you were really
my friend, you'd do this for me!
If you were really my friend,
you wouldn't ask me to do it!
How are you coming
with the coconuts, Jo?
Slow. This stuff
is hard to get out.
Maybe we should
call Roto-Rooter.
Just keep scraping.
Oh, and listen,
when you lower the moon in
Act 1, could you lower it slower?
The last time you did it,
it looked like When
Worlds Collide.
"Scrape the coconuts,
lower the moon."
I gotta get out of
show business.
Blair, how are you
doing with the scenery?
I'm not sure.
What is it?
It's a hibiscus bush.
What does it look like?
A killer brussel sprout.
Don't feel badly, Blair.
Only God can make a tree.
I can't wait for opening night.
And closing night.
Me, too.
Ever since Tootie beat Natalie out
for the lead, they've been unbearable.
They're always
sniping at each other.
Yeah. They throw insults
around like Frisbees.
Mrs. Garrett, do you have any idea
what it's like living with two people
who are constantly at
each other's throats?
I have some idea.
That's different, Mrs. Garrett.
We hate each other's guts.
Natalie and Tootie
are best friends.
Mrs. Garrett,
I think it's time you stuck
your nose into this one.
She means, do something,
Mrs. Garrett. Please.
Oh, no. They're gonna have to
sweat this one out themselves.
Hi, guys.
- Hey, Nat.
- Hi, Natalie.
Natalie, what are
you doing here?
Oh, should I leave?
I mean, I know they
don't want me on-stage,
but I didn't think you'd
mind me being backstage.
Come on, Natalie.
You can stick around as
long as you like. Thanks.
Come on, Jo, help me wheel this
over to the costume department.
Brenda, darling, your piano
playing sounds really full,
but could you
lighten it up a little.
The arpeggios are
giving me a headache.
Uh, are you ready, Tootie?
- Yeah.
Let's try the song.
Now, Tootie, remember,
the man you love
is missing in action.
He may be wounded.
He may be dead.
And you've never
told him how you feel.
Hit it, Brenda.
♪
Excuse me, Natalie. I need
to take this bush on-stage.
Oh, I'll take it for
you, Blair. Paint, paint.
♪ When you find your true love ♪
♪ When you feel him call you ♪
♪ Across a crowded room ♪
Hey!
Oh, were you back there?
I'm sorry. I didn't see you.
This is Blair's hibiscus
bush, Miss Downes.
Yes, thank you, Natalie.
Oh. Excuse me.
Okay, Tootie. Try it again.
Brenda.
♪
♪ Some enchanted evening ♪
♪ When you meet your true love ♪
That's "find," Miss Downes.
"When you find your true love."
Thank you, Natalie.
All right, Tootie,
one more time.
Now, remember your motivation.
Let's see the pain
and the anguish.
Brenda.
♪
♪ Some enchanted evening ♪
♪ When you find your true love ♪
Excuse me, Miss Downes, are you hearing
the anguish? I'm not hearing the anguish.
Get off the stage, Natalie!
Again. Brenda.
♪
Oh, cut that out! Just start!
♪
♪ Some enchanted evening ♪
♪ When you find your true love ♪
♪ When you feel him call you ♪
♪ Across a crowded room ♪
♪ Then fly to his side ♪
♪ And make him your own ♪
What...
Oops. They dropped.
Miss Downes, I have to
talk to Natalie for a minute.
All right, dear,
take five. Take ten.
Take as long as you need.
Natalie, I'm not gonna
take anymore of this.
Anymore of what?
Your sabotage.
Sabotage? What sabotage?
I bet you were the one who put
Pine-Sol in my prop shampoo bottle.
While I washed that
man right out of my hair,
I could've have
scrubbed the sink, too.
The yellow one was
your shampoo bottle?
What a silly mix-up.
I guess that means
Mrs. Garrett was
Sassooning the kitchen floor.
Don't play innocent
with me, Natalie.
It's just killing you that
I've got the lead in the play.
You're just a sore
loser. I am not!
Watch out! That
tree is still wet.
You're a
hypercompetitive person!
I am a mellow and easygoing gal!
You're the one that's always
gotta be the center of attention.
Always clawing your
way up to the spotlight.
Couldn't you two
just duel at dawn?
I didn't even know you
wanted the stupid part.
Well, you do now! And if it's so
stupid, why don't you just give it up?
All right, Natalie.
I'll give up the part.
If what you want is charity.
Charity's fine.
It'll give me a chance to show
I was better than you all along.
Of course, there
is one little problem.
If I gave up the part,
what makes you
so sure you'd get it?
Twelve girls auditioned.
Maybe you weren't number two.
Maybe you were number 12.
You little creep.
Would you watch out for that?
No, you watch out for it!
Don't hurt my baby palm!
Who cares about your baby palm!
Hey, hey, Nat, cool it!
Nice girls don't throw trees.
All right, all right,
what's going on here?
Natalie broke my palm frond.
If this thing dies,
it's on your head.
All right, girls, I think the time has
come for me to stick my nose into this.
Tootie, we need you.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Garrett,
but I'm needed on-stage.
Do you believe her?
Everything's supposed to stop
because she has to rehearse.
Well, Tootie is
the star of the play.
"Tootie's the star.
Tootie's the star."
I'm so sick of hearing
that! I mean, who cares?
Hey, hey, hey,
calm down, Natalie!
Natalie. Look at yourself.
What do you see?
I see someone who would
have made a great Nellie Forbush
it weren't for the
insensitivity of a best friend.
Look a little deeper.
You're right.
If it weren't for the treachery and
betrayal of a so-called best friend.
Boy, are you jealous!
Don't be ridiculous.
You know jealousy can
do a weird thing to a person.
It makes you walk
all hunched over,
your face gets all pinched,
and steam comes
out of your ears.
Jo.
Well, they don't call it the
green-eyed monster for nothing.
I'm telling you.
I'm not jealous.
I'm wounded!
Natalie, I know you're hurting.
But I don't think you're
gonna feel any better
unless you're honest
about why you're hurting.
Hey, Nat, you've got to get
these feelings under control.
You know what works best for me?
Intense physical exercise.
Run a few miles, lift a few
weights, punch a brick wall.
♪ Some enchanted evening ♪
♪
♪ When you find your true love ♪
You know what works best for me?
Revenge.
Natalie, I see
your wheels turning
and I don't like the
direction that they're going in.
I don't know why I
didn't think of this before.
Jo, I'm feeling better already
and I'm going to feel like
my old self a week from today.
You mean, after the play opens?
Right.
And after I write my review
for the school newspaper
of Tootie's disastrous
performance.
Disastrous?
Shouldn't you see it first?
Oh, of course. Of course.
But I see my review
going something like this.
"A bomb landed on
Eastland last night,
"as Tootie Ramsey turned South
Pacific into another Pearl Harbor."
Where's the school newspaper?
Oh, it's not here yet.
Well, I can't wait all day.
I'm between math and chemistry.
I'm just dying to see
Natalie's review of the show.
No, you're not.
I mean, didn't those eight
curtain calls tell you anything?
I can't put eight curtain
calls into my scrapbook.
I wanna see it in print.
Well, can't wait any longer.
I'm going to be late for class.
I'll walk over with you. Thank
you for your help, Mrs. Garrett.
Sure, hon. Bye.
Bye, Tootie. Bye.
Don't you have to, uh, go
to the library or something?
I'll save the paper for you.
I've got time. I want
to see the review.
Why?
I mean, what's a review?
One person's
not-so-humble opinion.
Go to the library, Tootie!
Jo, if Tootie wants to savor
her review, why shouldn't she?
Mrs. Garrett, you
don't savor an obituary.
What?
Tootie, don't let
this throw you,
but Natalie's gonna
kill you in her review.
Why do you think that?
Because, every time
you leave the room,
she starts cackling
and scribbling
in her reporter's notebook.
She's been writing
that bad review all week.
You mean, even before
she saw the show?
Oh, she wouldn't do that!
She may be mad at me,
but Natalie's an
editor and a journalist,
and hotheaded and
obsessed about this play
and anybody need a
book? I'm going to the library.
Here you go! Hot
off the presses.
See you. Just a minute, Natalie.
I'd like you to stay here
while we read the review.
Do I have to?
Well, it would be wise.
Just in case it may
need some clarification.
Natalie, what did you do here?
Let me see that.
She liked it!
She even liked you.
You did?
But after what Jo said
I thought you'd fry me.
Oh, I did.
I said you were trite, and
hammy and too short for the part.
But it says here,
"As Nellie Forbush, Tootie
Ramsey was delightful and charming
"and gave a whole new
meaning to the word 'perky'."
Thanks, Nat!
Don't thank me.
My review never made the paper.
I just couldn't print it.
Finally! They don't wait this
long for reviews at Sardi's.
Nat, did you really
hate me in the show?
Tootie, I didn't even see it.
I was too jealous.
You didn't even see it?
I'm sorry. I'm just not
a big enough person.
I'm working on it, but
I'm just not there yet.
I think you're doing
just fine, Natalie.
You know, jealousy is one of
those things that sneaks in there
and eats away at you
like, uh, tooth decay.
So don't be too hard on
yourself. Just keep brushing.
Tootie.
Are you still mad at me?
Nah. Those were open auditions.
And the only thing you did wrong
was to be better than
me and anybody else.
Still friends?
You bet.
Now we can all relax.
She's off her hit list.
Natalie, people kill
for reviews like that.
If you didn't write it, who did?
Listen to this.
"A special nod should go to
scenic designer, Blair Warner.
"Not since Gauguin
"have the South Seas
been brought so vividly to life.
"Each hibiscus bush
was a work of art.
"And the palm trees...
"The palm trees,
"with their delicately
dying fronds,
"suggested the air of peril
"that accompanies
an oncoming monsoon.
"The bananas on the palm
trees were just one example
"of the painstaking
attention paid to detail.
"Miss Warner's
brilliant imagination
"and well-developed
sense of composition
"gave us a visual experience..."
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪
♪ They shed a lot of light ♪
♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪
♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
We're here, Jo, slow down!
Leave the piano right there.
It's the perfect spot for it.
Well, how do you like my tree?
What are bananas
doing on a palm tree?
The bird needed
something to sit on!
Besides, I wanted
a splash of color.
You want color? Shoot the bird.
Mrs. Garrett, do I have to work in
an atmosphere of constant criticism?
Why not? I do, every time
I serve liver and onions.
Oh, don't worry, Blair, your scenery
will look like a tropical paradise.
Of course it will.
After all, I have been
to Hawaii six times.
Well, just remember South
Pacific takes place at a naval base,
not the Honolulu Hilton.
Oh, these school musicals always
make me feel like I missed my calling.
Maybe I should have given it
a shot on the Great White Way.
♪ You know,
there's no business ♪
♪ like show business ♪
♪ Like no business ♪
I know!
I know!
My mother's been singing that to me
over the phone for the past two weeks.
She is obsessed with me
playing the lead in South Pacific.
You'd make a
terrific Nellie Forbush.
Mrs. Garrett, bite your
tongue. I don't want the part.
I'll be lucky if I make
it through the audition.
I'm sorry I'm so late, but I was
working on my biology report.
The life cycle of a fruit fly.
Have you decided what
part you want, Tootie?
She's not trying out
for anything this time.
Yeah, I've just got too
much studying to do.
That'll be a first.
An Eastland Production without
Tootie Ramsey in the lead!
Can I help it if my reviews say
I'm "Dazzling and fun to watch"?
That's "Sparkling
and a joy to watch."
I know. I wrote it.
Maybe it was after your
triumph in Annie Get Your Gun.
No, it was Blanche in
Streetcar Named Desire.
But who all remembers?
Well, that's one way
to become a star.
Have your best friend
write your review.
Hey, Jo, why don't you try
out for something this year?
No way. I'm not gonna stand up
here and make a fool of myself.
But you do it so well.
Good morning, everyone.
Good morning, Miss
Downes. Hi, Miss Downes.
Are we ready? I
think so, Miss Downes.
All right, here's the cast of
characters and the sign-up sheet.
Now, we can put you
at a table over there, yes.
Miss Downes, what do you think?
I'm making 18 more just like it.
Oh, it's lovely, dear.
But your bird just hatched
a bunch of bananas.
Tootie, I need to
talk to you. Over here.
Tootie, this audition
is going to kill me.
Relax. Tension
makes you sing off-key.
I need a drink! No milk!
Never drink milk before
you sing. It makes phlegm.
No chocolate. Never
chocolate, it clogs your pipes.
No milk? No cookies? And
people want to do this for a living?
Girls, girls, hold it down.
The auditions
are about to begin.
Tootie, don't leave me.
Natalie, I'm not going anywhere.
Relax, girl.
Tootie, I'm so glad you changed
your mind about auditioning.
Oh, I didn't.
I'm just here for moral support.
Oh, but the play needs
you. You can't let us down.
I'm sorry, Nancy, but I can't...
Okay. First audition.
Natalie Green.
That's you.
Does it have to be?
Natalie?
Cone on, Nat, go ahead,
go ahead. Break a leg.
I should be so lucky.
Come on.
Whenever you're ready, Natalie.
♪
♪ I'm gonna wash that
man right out of my hair ♪
♪ And send him on his way ♪
Thank you, Natalie.
Now, see Mrs. Garrett and tell her
what roles you're interested in playing.
I wanna play the lead.
I wanna play Nellie Forbush.
Fine. See Mrs. Garrett.
I wanna play Nellie
Forbush, Mrs. Garrett.
Mmm-hmm. And who else?
Nobody else! I was born
to play Nellie Forbush.
Well, I thought you were auditioning
just to make your mother happy.
That's what I
wanted you to think.
That's what I
wanted them to think.
Them? Who?
The Fates! The Fates!
We have this
adversary relationship.
They're out to get me.
Oh, Natalie, I think the
Fates have bigger fish to fry.
Mrs. Garrett, every
time I want something,
somewhere in the
universe a door slams.
But I fooled them this time.
I said I didn't want the part.
I'm gonna get it for sure!
♪
♪ I'm gonna wash that
man right out of my hair ♪
♪ I'm gonna wash that
man right out of my hair ♪
♪ I'm gonna wash that
man right out of my hair ♪
♪ And send him on his way ♪
Natalie, I...
Easy on the Oreos.
You'll spoil your lunch.
I'm not hungry anyway.
Natalie, how can I say this?
You know there's a saying,
"There's a broken heart
for every light on Broadway."
Well, I'm afraid that
goes for Peekskill, too.
Are you delicately
trying to tell me
that Tootie got the
part of Nellie Forbush?
Don't bother, Mrs. Garrett.
Tootie started singing at 10:30.
At 10:31, the entire
state of New York
knew she had the part.
Natalie, there are still a
lot of good parts available.
What? Sailor number three?
Natalie, a good
actress is willing to...
Mrs. Garrett, I don't
want to be a good actress.
I wanna be a star!
Hi, Nat.
Oh, hello.
Natalie, I think we'd
better talk about this.
Mmm. Why don't I
leave you two girls alone?
Don't worry about
setting up for lunch.
We'll make do without you, huh?
You really wanted
that part, didn't you?
What makes you say that?
Well, after I got through singing,
when everyone else applauded,
you put your fist
through Blair's palm tree.
I was jumping for
joy and I tripped.
Nat, I had no idea that getting
this part was so important to you.
I know you didn't.
Nobody did.
Tootie, I wanted
that part so badly
that every night for two weeks I've been
down in the basement practicing my singing.
Was that you?
I thought we had
air in the pipes.
It was me
singing my pitiful,
little heart out.
Nat, if only I'd known...
But you didn't. But I didn't.
I know.
It was just a misunderstanding.
A silly misunderstanding.
A terrible misunderstanding.
Nat, is there anything I could
do to make this up to you?
Quit the play.
Is there anything else?
Look, you asked and I told you!
Oh, come on, be reasonable.
I am being reasonable!
You shouldn't have
auditioned in the first place.
I had no choice.
Those girls practically
pushed me on-stage.
You could have pushed back!
Nat, I didn't know
you wanted the part!
Look, I don't want to
make a big deal out of this.
But I'm begging
you, quit the play!
Nat, that's not fair!
Tootie, if you were really
my friend, you'd do this for me!
If you were really my friend,
you wouldn't ask me to do it!
How are you coming
with the coconuts, Jo?
Slow. This stuff
is hard to get out.
Maybe we should
call Roto-Rooter.
Just keep scraping.
Oh, and listen,
when you lower the moon in
Act 1, could you lower it slower?
The last time you did it,
it looked like When
Worlds Collide.
"Scrape the coconuts,
lower the moon."
I gotta get out of
show business.
Blair, how are you
doing with the scenery?
I'm not sure.
What is it?
It's a hibiscus bush.
What does it look like?
A killer brussel sprout.
Don't feel badly, Blair.
Only God can make a tree.
I can't wait for opening night.
And closing night.
Me, too.
Ever since Tootie beat Natalie out
for the lead, they've been unbearable.
They're always
sniping at each other.
Yeah. They throw insults
around like Frisbees.
Mrs. Garrett, do you have any idea
what it's like living with two people
who are constantly at
each other's throats?
I have some idea.
That's different, Mrs. Garrett.
We hate each other's guts.
Natalie and Tootie
are best friends.
Mrs. Garrett,
I think it's time you stuck
your nose into this one.
She means, do something,
Mrs. Garrett. Please.
Oh, no. They're gonna have to
sweat this one out themselves.
Hi, guys.
- Hey, Nat.
- Hi, Natalie.
Natalie, what are
you doing here?
Oh, should I leave?
I mean, I know they
don't want me on-stage,
but I didn't think you'd
mind me being backstage.
Come on, Natalie.
You can stick around as
long as you like. Thanks.
Come on, Jo, help me wheel this
over to the costume department.
Brenda, darling, your piano
playing sounds really full,
but could you
lighten it up a little.
The arpeggios are
giving me a headache.
Uh, are you ready, Tootie?
- Yeah.
Let's try the song.
Now, Tootie, remember,
the man you love
is missing in action.
He may be wounded.
He may be dead.
And you've never
told him how you feel.
Hit it, Brenda.
♪
Excuse me, Natalie. I need
to take this bush on-stage.
Oh, I'll take it for
you, Blair. Paint, paint.
♪ When you find your true love ♪
♪ When you feel him call you ♪
♪ Across a crowded room ♪
Hey!
Oh, were you back there?
I'm sorry. I didn't see you.
This is Blair's hibiscus
bush, Miss Downes.
Yes, thank you, Natalie.
Oh. Excuse me.
Okay, Tootie. Try it again.
Brenda.
♪
♪ Some enchanted evening ♪
♪ When you meet your true love ♪
That's "find," Miss Downes.
"When you find your true love."
Thank you, Natalie.
All right, Tootie,
one more time.
Now, remember your motivation.
Let's see the pain
and the anguish.
Brenda.
♪
♪ Some enchanted evening ♪
♪ When you find your true love ♪
Excuse me, Miss Downes, are you hearing
the anguish? I'm not hearing the anguish.
Get off the stage, Natalie!
Again. Brenda.
♪
Oh, cut that out! Just start!
♪
♪ Some enchanted evening ♪
♪ When you find your true love ♪
♪ When you feel him call you ♪
♪ Across a crowded room ♪
♪ Then fly to his side ♪
♪ And make him your own ♪
What...
Oops. They dropped.
Miss Downes, I have to
talk to Natalie for a minute.
All right, dear,
take five. Take ten.
Take as long as you need.
Natalie, I'm not gonna
take anymore of this.
Anymore of what?
Your sabotage.
Sabotage? What sabotage?
I bet you were the one who put
Pine-Sol in my prop shampoo bottle.
While I washed that
man right out of my hair,
I could've have
scrubbed the sink, too.
The yellow one was
your shampoo bottle?
What a silly mix-up.
I guess that means
Mrs. Garrett was
Sassooning the kitchen floor.
Don't play innocent
with me, Natalie.
It's just killing you that
I've got the lead in the play.
You're just a sore
loser. I am not!
Watch out! That
tree is still wet.
You're a
hypercompetitive person!
I am a mellow and easygoing gal!
You're the one that's always
gotta be the center of attention.
Always clawing your
way up to the spotlight.
Couldn't you two
just duel at dawn?
I didn't even know you
wanted the stupid part.
Well, you do now! And if it's so
stupid, why don't you just give it up?
All right, Natalie.
I'll give up the part.
If what you want is charity.
Charity's fine.
It'll give me a chance to show
I was better than you all along.
Of course, there
is one little problem.
If I gave up the part,
what makes you
so sure you'd get it?
Twelve girls auditioned.
Maybe you weren't number two.
Maybe you were number 12.
You little creep.
Would you watch out for that?
No, you watch out for it!
Don't hurt my baby palm!
Who cares about your baby palm!
Hey, hey, Nat, cool it!
Nice girls don't throw trees.
All right, all right,
what's going on here?
Natalie broke my palm frond.
If this thing dies,
it's on your head.
All right, girls, I think the time has
come for me to stick my nose into this.
Tootie, we need you.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Garrett,
but I'm needed on-stage.
Do you believe her?
Everything's supposed to stop
because she has to rehearse.
Well, Tootie is
the star of the play.
"Tootie's the star.
Tootie's the star."
I'm so sick of hearing
that! I mean, who cares?
Hey, hey, hey,
calm down, Natalie!
Natalie. Look at yourself.
What do you see?
I see someone who would
have made a great Nellie Forbush
it weren't for the
insensitivity of a best friend.
Look a little deeper.
You're right.
If it weren't for the treachery and
betrayal of a so-called best friend.
Boy, are you jealous!
Don't be ridiculous.
You know jealousy can
do a weird thing to a person.
It makes you walk
all hunched over,
your face gets all pinched,
and steam comes
out of your ears.
Jo.
Well, they don't call it the
green-eyed monster for nothing.
I'm telling you.
I'm not jealous.
I'm wounded!
Natalie, I know you're hurting.
But I don't think you're
gonna feel any better
unless you're honest
about why you're hurting.
Hey, Nat, you've got to get
these feelings under control.
You know what works best for me?
Intense physical exercise.
Run a few miles, lift a few
weights, punch a brick wall.
♪ Some enchanted evening ♪
♪
♪ When you find your true love ♪
You know what works best for me?
Revenge.
Natalie, I see
your wheels turning
and I don't like the
direction that they're going in.
I don't know why I
didn't think of this before.
Jo, I'm feeling better already
and I'm going to feel like
my old self a week from today.
You mean, after the play opens?
Right.
And after I write my review
for the school newspaper
of Tootie's disastrous
performance.
Disastrous?
Shouldn't you see it first?
Oh, of course. Of course.
But I see my review
going something like this.
"A bomb landed on
Eastland last night,
"as Tootie Ramsey turned South
Pacific into another Pearl Harbor."
Where's the school newspaper?
Oh, it's not here yet.
Well, I can't wait all day.
I'm between math and chemistry.
I'm just dying to see
Natalie's review of the show.
No, you're not.
I mean, didn't those eight
curtain calls tell you anything?
I can't put eight curtain
calls into my scrapbook.
I wanna see it in print.
Well, can't wait any longer.
I'm going to be late for class.
I'll walk over with you. Thank
you for your help, Mrs. Garrett.
Sure, hon. Bye.
Bye, Tootie. Bye.
Don't you have to, uh, go
to the library or something?
I'll save the paper for you.
I've got time. I want
to see the review.
Why?
I mean, what's a review?
One person's
not-so-humble opinion.
Go to the library, Tootie!
Jo, if Tootie wants to savor
her review, why shouldn't she?
Mrs. Garrett, you
don't savor an obituary.
What?
Tootie, don't let
this throw you,
but Natalie's gonna
kill you in her review.
Why do you think that?
Because, every time
you leave the room,
she starts cackling
and scribbling
in her reporter's notebook.
She's been writing
that bad review all week.
You mean, even before
she saw the show?
Oh, she wouldn't do that!
She may be mad at me,
but Natalie's an
editor and a journalist,
and hotheaded and
obsessed about this play
and anybody need a
book? I'm going to the library.
Here you go! Hot
off the presses.
See you. Just a minute, Natalie.
I'd like you to stay here
while we read the review.
Do I have to?
Well, it would be wise.
Just in case it may
need some clarification.
Natalie, what did you do here?
Let me see that.
She liked it!
She even liked you.
You did?
But after what Jo said
I thought you'd fry me.
Oh, I did.
I said you were trite, and
hammy and too short for the part.
But it says here,
"As Nellie Forbush, Tootie
Ramsey was delightful and charming
"and gave a whole new
meaning to the word 'perky'."
Thanks, Nat!
Don't thank me.
My review never made the paper.
I just couldn't print it.
Finally! They don't wait this
long for reviews at Sardi's.
Nat, did you really
hate me in the show?
Tootie, I didn't even see it.
I was too jealous.
You didn't even see it?
I'm sorry. I'm just not
a big enough person.
I'm working on it, but
I'm just not there yet.
I think you're doing
just fine, Natalie.
You know, jealousy is one of
those things that sneaks in there
and eats away at you
like, uh, tooth decay.
So don't be too hard on
yourself. Just keep brushing.
Tootie.
Are you still mad at me?
Nah. Those were open auditions.
And the only thing you did wrong
was to be better than
me and anybody else.
Still friends?
You bet.
Now we can all relax.
She's off her hit list.
Natalie, people kill
for reviews like that.
If you didn't write it, who did?
Listen to this.
"A special nod should go to
scenic designer, Blair Warner.
"Not since Gauguin
"have the South Seas
been brought so vividly to life.
"Each hibiscus bush
was a work of art.
"And the palm trees...
"The palm trees,
"with their delicately
dying fronds,
"suggested the air of peril
"that accompanies
an oncoming monsoon.
"The bananas on the palm
trees were just one example
"of the painstaking
attention paid to detail.
"Miss Warner's
brilliant imagination
"and well-developed
sense of composition
"gave us a visual experience..."
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪
♪ They shed a lot of light ♪
♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪