The Expanding Universe of Ashley Garcia (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Go to a High School Dance - full transcript
And now,
whenever I even think about Stick,
my hands get clammy,
my heart beats a mile a minute,
and my stomach feels
like I'm sitting in g-force training
right after eating Chipotle.
Hmm. I've heard these symptoms before.
It sounds like you might have
what's often referred to as...
"romantic feelings."
That's crazy. Stick's my friend.
There's gotta be lots of reasons
why I'd be feeling these feelings.
Nope, there's only two reasons:
romantic feelings
or you have dead cow fever.
[gasps] You haven't worn flip-flops
to a farm in Mongolia lately, have you?
Oh, my God. I like Stick?
[sighs] I like Stick.
And just to think, not even a week ago,
I laughed in his face
when Brooke thought he had a crush on me.
Oh, my God.
What if he really had a crush on me?
I laughed in his face.
If he did like me,
he probably hates me now.
I mean, if I liked me and laughed at me,
I'd hate me.
[sighs] My life is so hard.
Dr. Garcia, any updates on the--
I've rotated the rover's camera an eighth
of a degree clockwise
and recalibrated
the user frame accordingly.
Nice.
Well, great. You saved the Mars mission.
What are you gonna do about the Stick?
I don't know.
And there's no "the." It's just "Stick."
Ah. That's a much more normal name.
[theme music playing]
So, do you think he thinks I put him
in the friend zone?
How do I let him know
I want him out of the friend zone
and into the more-than-a-friend zone?
Is that even a zone?
-How many zones are there?
-[sighs]
You know, I remember my first crush.
Freddie Prinze Jr. [laughs]
Was he your high school boyfriend?
Oh. Sometimes I forget how young you are.
And, yes. Yes, he was.
Oh, my gosh.
I've liked Stick for a whole ten minutes,
and I haven't told Brooke yet.
Should I call her? Text her?
Is this tell-her-in-person type of news?
Snapchat? A DM?
Has anyone ever told you
that you tend to overthink things?
You sound like the guy
who works at Baskin-Robbins.
Some flavors just don't work
with mint chocolate chip, dude.
Look, Ashley,
you're experiencing young love.
My advice:
stop overanalyzing every teeny-tiny thing
and try to enjoy yourself, okay?
Okay, I'll try.
Good.
'Cause once you get to my age,
things get a little more complicated.
You'll meet someone great,
you'll hit it off,
you'll have
some truly magical nights together...
He's my uncle.
Right, right. Ahem, sorry.
Then as soon as you really start
to have feelings for him,
you have to move to Antarctica.
Isn't that your choice?
It's not my choice. It's my dream.
My uncle's really gonna miss you.
I think he'd do anything to be with you.
Yeah, I'm really gonna miss him, too.
You're not getting it.
You need to check your suitcase
before you board the plane.
He might try and pack himself inside.
When I was a kid, I had two passions:
music and football.
But I chose football and gave up music.
Then years later,
after a humiliating blocked field goal,
I gave up football, too.
I thought
I'd never follow my passions again...
until I met you.
You're my passion now.
[sighs]
I think I'm falling in love with you.
Man, you'd be surprised how often people
say things like that to me.
Sometimes just random people
on the street.
So what'd you think?
You think it's gonna convince Ava to stay?
The speech? Oh, that was smooth, homie.
Yeah, you got this. You're all good.
Hey, I bet when you were single,
you had to make speeches like this.
No, actually,
I never had to work that hard.
Hey, so I got a few dress options
for tomorrow.
Brooke. Okay, before we get to that,
I have something important I need
to tell you in person.
I was just gonna text you about it,
but after thinking about it for an hour--
This is Baskin-Robbins all over again.
Well, believe it or not,
there's something important
I need to tell you, too.
-But what's your thing?
-Oh, you go first.
Thanks, 'cause this is bananas insane.
I like Stick. [squeals] Yeah.
You what?
I know. Stick Goldstein,
the kid who accidentally swallowed
his Invisalign.
It sounds crazy, doesn't it?
But we got really close working
on my video together.
And I know
we were always ripping on each other
because I thought he was so annoying,
but did you know he's actually
really funny and interesting?
Yeah, I could see that.
-I mean, now, after you mentioned it.
-[gasps]
And based on the way
I saw him looking at me,
I'm pretty sure he likes me back. [laughs]
Oh. Look, I know how wild this sounds.
Stick and me?
I mean, can you even believe this?
I can't even believe this.
[laughs] Oh, come on,
stop making fun of me.
So, what important thing
did you have to tell me?
Oh, uh...
I just wanted to tell you that, um...
Wanted to tell you that...
I figured out my order
for next time we go to Baskin-Robbins.
A strawberry milkshake.
Great. Getting ice cream
will be so much faster now.
Okay, so I raided my closet
for anything that might fit you.
Obviously, I ignored anything
from my goth phase.
So many chokers.
Something wrong?
No, nothing. I swear.
Oh.
I know what it is.
-You do?
-Listen, just because I like Stick
does not mean I'm not taking you
to the Fall Ball tomorrow.
I promised you I would cross off
"go to a high school dance"
from your bucket list,
and I'm gonna do just that, okay?
Okay. Thanks, Brooke.
Okay, let's see what we got here.
[clears throat] This one says, "Radiant."
Oh, this one says, "Fierce."
And this one says, "Team Building '08."
Sorry, must be one of my mom's shirts
from work,
but it could be cute if you belted it.
Whoo! Great practice, Tad.
You're setting a fantastic example.
You showed the team
that football's your number one priority.
Coach, why'd we have practice
for only 15 minutes today?
'Cause I wanna go surprise my girlfriend
at work.
That actually reminds me, I was hoping
you guys could help me with something.
What's up, Stick?
Something's going on in my personal life,
and I need some advice.
How do I choose between two things?
Like, two really great things.
Say, Coke and Pepsi.
Yeah, I've had Coke on my mind
for a while now,
but Coke doesn't seem too interested.
Then out of nowhere,
cute and popular Pepsi comes along
and wants me to drink it.
Which soda do I drink?
Just order a Dr Pepper.
Don't worry, Stick. I understand
what you're talking about. [laughs]
I used to drink my share of soda
when I was your age, too.
-Probably drank more than me.
-Yeah, that's probably true.
What can I say? Sodas just loved me.
Guys, that stuff's really bad
for your teeth.
Tons of sugar.
Stick...
if Pepsi's available
and Coke missed her chance...
go for the Pepsi.
Thanks, Coach.
Last thing you wanna do
when it comes to girls
is come off as pathetic.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go beg a woman not to move away.
Oh, I get it now.
Coke and Pepsi are like a metaphor.
Let's see,
who's Stick been hanging out with lately?
Hmm. Is "Pepsi" code for "Brooke Bishop"?
Wow, Tad, that's right. How'd you know?
And Coke is Miss Fox, the French teacher.
Correct again.
There's a lot more going on up here
than meets the eye.
So, you and Brooke, huh?
All right, Stick!
You gonna ask her to the Fall Ball?
The Fall Ball?
The social event where all my peers
are constantly judging what you wear
and how you dance
and how much you sweat?
I'll be safe at home, thank you very much.
Come on, man.
This year's theme's county fair.
There's gonna be corn dogs,
skee-ball, funnel cake.
[snaps fingers]
Meltzer's bringing a pig as his date.
Whoa. That is uncalled for.
No, like a bacon pig.
His uncle has a farm.
He's gonna sneak it in under his jacket.
Sounds great, but the thought of walking
into that dance with Brooke Bishop
is super nerve-wracking.
No, I just need to ask her
to do something simple
that doesn't involve a lot of people.
I'm gonna invite her to my house
for Hot Pockets.
That's it?
And Uno.
Suit yourself.
But if Sarah Jessica Parker
ends up being named Fall Ball queen,
I'm not sending you any pictures.
Ashley, are you okay? What's wrong?
Why'd you send me a 911 text?
I'm sad.
Huh. Perhaps soon,
we need to have a discussion
on what warrants a 911 text.
Okay. What's wrong, mija?
-Nothing.
-Ashley,
I did run two red lights to get here.
There's this boy, and I really like him,
and I was gonna tell him that I like him,
but first I was gonna tell Brooke,
then just when I was about to tell Brooke,
she told me she liked him.
The same boy?
-Yes.
-No.
I know you just think
it's some stupid crush, but--
No, Ash. I get it.
I'm so sorry, mija.
It hurts. I hate this feeling.
I wish there was something I could do.
I really like this boy,
but now I can never do anything about it.
I'm never gonna like another boy again.
Oh, why did I ever wanna be a teenager?
This was all a mistake.
-What are you doing?
-I'm gonna delete my bucket list.
Your what?
My bucket list.
Before I moved here,
I made a list of all the things I wanna do
while I'm a teenager:
go to a dance,
buy something from Hot Topic...
other things I'd rather not discuss
with my uncle.
But if how I'm feeling right now
is how it feels not to get something
you really want,
then maybe I don't want this list anymore.
-Hey, give it back.
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
If you get a 911, I get a 911.
I'm doing this for your own good.
-You better not look at it.
-I won't. I won't.
These are your dreams.
If you lose your dreams,
you lose a part of yourself.
Trust me.
So, I will give you this phone back,
but you need to promise me
you won't delete this list.
Fine, I promise. Just give it back.
[Victor sighs]
Did I see number nine
on that list is to see NCIS on Ice?
If you tell anyone, I will kill you.
-Need a hand?
-Oh! Oh! Oh, Victor!
[gasps] What are you doing here?
Wait, how did you get past security?
When you got charm like this,
you can get in just about anywhere.
I once did a tour of the White House
and used the Oval Office bathroom.
Shh.
Ava, please.
-[sighs] Ahem.
-I've never told anyone this before,
but when I was a kid, I had two passions,
music and football.
But I chose football,
-and I gave up on--
-Victor, Victor, please.
I know where this is going,
and now is not the time to let feelings
get in the way of life plans.
We shouldn't make this harder
than it already is. I'm sorry.
Excuse me, do you have a badge?
[laughs] Hey, you're good.
Well, tonight's the night.
We'll meet at your house
to do hair at five,
get dressed by six
and photos from six to seven
to get something good
to post on Instagram.
Sheesh, hope we have enough time
for a Boomerang.
Oh, good call.
We're gonna have to bump everything up
half an hour.
Stick, hey.
Hey, Stick.
Brooke, Ashley.
Didn't expect to see you two here...
at the coffee shop we always go to.
Anyway... Brooke, you can say no
if you don't want to,
Yeah.
You know
how I'm a really good microwave chef?
[laughs]
No, seriously. I wanted to ask you to--
The Fall Ball dance tonight?
Oh, my God, Stick, that's so nice.
Uh, yeah.
That's definitely what I was going to ask.
I would love to go with you.
That's so...
Yeah, uh-huh.
Oh, I already said I would go with Ashley.
-No, no, that's okay. You two should--
-[gasps] I know.
All three of us should go together.
[laughs]
-Okay.
-Sure.
This is great. Now everyone's happy.
[laughs] Yep. Everyone.
-Okay.
-[Ashley clears throat]
So, we'll need you to be at Ashley's
by 5:30.
We're gonna be on a very tight schedule,
so make sure you show up photo-ready.
And you want me to wear
something specific, right?
Aww, Stick, I want you to wear
what you wanna wear.
So, send me a photo of every single thing
in your closet,
and I will tell you what you want to wear.
-That's fair.
-Yeah. [laughs]
Oh. Fat-free? Really, tío?
From now on, I'm buying the ice cream.
[knock on door]
Dr. Garcia, help.
Tad, I'm not pretending
to be your psychologist again.
Bella just told me out of nowhere
that she's not going to the Fall Ball
with me, and now I'm sad.
Therapy me.
Um, didn't you guys break up?
Yeah, but I didn't know that meant
we wouldn't go to the dance together.
I mean, we had tickets.
What am I supposed to do?
Show up all by myself like one
of those teachers who has to chaperone?
No, thank you.
So, you're not gonna go at all?
Nah. I'll just stay home.
They're having a Hoarders marathon
on A&E.
[laughs] Those poor saps
sure have trouble letting go of things.
God, I miss Bella.
Tad, the worst thing you could do
right now is sit around and mope.
Says the girl eating ice cream
at 11 in the morning.
Hey, it's 11:08.
And if yogurt's breakfast,
ice cream can be, too.
And at least I'm going to the dance.
You are? With who?
Brooke... and Stick.
Brooke and Stick?
I believe
that's called being a third wheel.
Yeah. My first high school dance,
and I'm going as Brooke's plus-one...
plus one.
Pretty pathetic, huh?
It is, but I'm even more pathetic.
I thought up until today that my ex
was still going to the Fall Ball with me.
How's this for pathetic?
When I opened that ice cream,
I immediately threw away the lid.
Beat this. Two nights ago,
I took one of Bella's old sweaters
and put it on a stuffed elephant
and then slept next to it.
You win.
So...
do you want to go
to the Fall Ball with me?
What? For real?
Yeah, I mean, I don't have a date,
you have two. So...
Why don't we go together?
You know, as friends?
You know what? Yeah.
That sounds like fun. Let's do it.
Sweet. I'll just DVR Hoarders
and watch it with Bellephant
when I get home.
With who?
Nobody.
[camera shutter clicks]
Stick, the Fall Ball is going to be fun.
-Relax!
-I am relaxed.
I can see your heart beating in your neck.
[camera shutter clicks]
Ash, you coming?
You should get going soon.
-Wow.
-Wow.
Hello.
Oh, my God.
[sighs] You look beautiful.
And your bedroom is over there.
Why'd you come down the stairs?
I wanted to make an entrance.
Okay. Group shot.
If I don't get
at least one good photo of this,
[laughs] Ashley's mom will kill me.
Seriously, I just got off the phone
with her. She went into graphic detail.
-[camera shutter clicks]
-Well...
Are you getting all choked up
taking a picture?
[voice breaks] No.
I've been choked up
since you came downstairs.
Okay.
I guess maybe there are some upsides
to being a teenager.
-[horn honks]
-Hmm. What could that be?
A Tesla limo?
Oh. No way!
Tío Victor, how?
Oh, let's just say the guy at the limo
place is a big Victor Garcia fan.
Did he recognize you from the NFL?
No, he's just a fan of anyone who pays him
a lot of money to rent a limo.
Thank you, tío.
Oh, and wait until you see the--
Guys...
it has an Xbox.
-That!
-[laughs]
-[dance music playing]
-[chattering]
You did it.
You're officially
at your first high school dance.
Yeah. One small step for Ashley,
one giant leap for Ashley's social life.
[sighs]
Stick. We're here.
Why don't you come into the dance?
No, I can see everything from here.
Very funny. Come on.
[laughing]
They're laughing at me.
I know what they're saying.
They're saying,
"Hey, did Brooke Bishop lose a bet?"
"Isn't that the kid
who swallowed his Invisalign?"
I don't think I can do this.
Stick, they're not laughing at you.
They're laughing at Meltzer's date.
[squealing]
[woman on TV] My foyer is filled
with hundreds of mason jars,
each filled to the brim
with toenail clippings.
Even Hoarders isn't helping.
[clicks]
[cell phone chimes]
[sighs]
[dance music playing]
-[chattering]
-[laughing]
-Knock, knock.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Sorry.
I am the worst Fall Ball date ever.
Freshman year, I went with Mark Embleton.
His older brother drove us,
and I had to ride
in the bed of his pickup truck
with his Great Dane.
Okay, Second worst.
It's just I get self-conscious
in large crowds like this.
And being here with you,
it makes it worse.
What do you mean?
You're Brooke Bishop!
You're cool. You're popular.
You have 2,000 Instagram followers.
[laughs] Almost three...
Go on.
With so many people looking at us,
I can't stop wondering
what they're thinking of me
and how they're probably making fun of me.
Stick, you're smart, you're funny,
and you look really cute
in the outfit I picked out.
Do you ever stop to think
that all this anxiety is in your head?
I know it's in my head,
but that doesn't make it any better.
If only you could see you
the way I see you.
You know what? I bet you can.
[camera shutter clicks]
Ooh, bad lighting.
[shutter clicks]
Eh. That one's not any better.
My point is I'm glad you're my date.
So, you're not worried
about what your thousands
of followers might think
if they knew you went to the Fall Ball
with Stick Goldstein?
No. They already know.
-[Stick] Oh, my God. We're already public?
-Yep.
Posted it in the limo.
Almost 3,000 people saw
that you were my date
before we even walked in.
I guess the only thing we can do now
is try and have a good time.
Okay.
Well, then...
Milady, shall we?
[sighs] You've been waiting a long time
to say that, haven't you?
You have no idea.
You guys look really cute together.
Almost as cute as you guys.
You and Brooke disappeared
behind the cornstalks.
Bet I know what was going on back there.
I bet you don't.
-Hey.
-Hey.
I'm sorry I cut you off earlier.
I was trying to make this goodbye
as easy as possible,
but sometimes the easy way
isn't always the best way.
What were you gonna say?
I was gonna tell you about how,
when I was a kid,
I...
You know what?
Maybe I should just say it like this...
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ I will make you breakfast ♪
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ I will learn to make quiche ♪
I like quiche.
♪ If you stay ♪
♪You can come sleep over ♪
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ We'll hide things from my niece ♪
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ I'll make compromises ♪
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ I'll watch Neil deGrasse Tyson
With you ♪
I like Neil deGrasse Tyson.
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ My wishes all get granted ♪
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ Your dreams don't come true ♪
♪ That desert of ice and snow
Is dark and it's cold ♪
♪ There's no one to hold ♪
♪ But, Ava, if you go away ♪
♪ I'll be the one without the sun ♪
♪ Go or stay ♪
♪ If you go away ♪
♪ I'll be so alone without you ♪
♪ But I'll be so happy, too ♪
♪ 'Cause I know your dreams
Are coming true, yeah ♪
♪ You make me so happy ♪
♪ Though you also make me cry, girl ♪
♪ You know you had me
At "Rocks from the Sky" ♪
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ Your dreams ♪
♪ Go away ♪
♪ So, Ava ♪
♪ Go ♪
♪ Away ♪
Victor,
-that was amazing, and it really made me--
-Please...
now's not the time to let feelings get
in the way of life plans.
Ava,
I once gave up on my passions...
and I would never want to be
the reason you gave up on yours.
But that song was pretty good,
though, right?
It was.
Play me another sometime?
Hey, thanks for coming with me,
by the way.
Turns out, this is a lot more fun
than watching people live
in mountains of trash.
Wow, you really know what to say
to a girl.
Honestly, I'm having more fun tonight
than I thought I would.
See, Tad,
you don't need Bella to have a good time.
Actually, I don't think it has anything
to do with Bella.
The reason I'm having such a good time
tonight is 'cause I'm here on a date...
with you.
-This is a date?
-Okay. Smile.
[camera shutter clicks]
[laughs]
Ha, this is great. Your face is hilarious.
Hey, look, you're still making it.
Oh, now you stopped making it.
Now you're just back
to being real pretty.
That's so sweet.
I'll go get us some punch.
[laughs] Ooh, I feel like I'm coming down
with dead cow fever again.
Well, well, well.
Bella, you're here.
I thought you were going
to Lil Xan's macramé party.
I know what you're doing, Tad.
Getting punch?
You're trying to make me jealous
by showing up here with Ashley Garcia.
What? No, I'm not.
We said we were just going as friends.
Just so you know,
you're not gonna make me jealous,
even if you kiss her.
Hey, Ash, um...
I wanted to thank you for asking me
to do that video for Brooke.
If you hadn't...
I don't know if I'd be here.
You're welcome, Stick. I'm happy for you.
I'm happy for you, too.
Lucky to have a friend like you.
Stick, there you are.
I thought you'd gone into hiding again.
I was about to check the janitor's closet.
Mind if I steal him?
He's all yours.
Come on. Let's dance.
[dance music playing]
-Hey, wanna dance?
-Yeah, sure.
♪ I like me better when I'm with you ♪
Three weeks ago,
if someone told me I'd be here
at the dance with Stick Goldstein,
I would've said that's nuts.
I know. I'm so out of your league.
[laughing]
Okay, it's not that funny.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
So, is this how you pictured
your first high school dance?
Honestly, no,
but I can't imagine it any other way.
You want a breath mint?
Breath mint?
Yes. That's exactly what I want.
♪ I like me better when I'm with you ♪
♪ I knew from the first time
I'd stay for a long time ♪
♪ 'Cause I like me better when ♪
♪ I like me better when I'm with you ♪
♪ Stay awhile, stay awhile
Stay here with me ♪
♪ Stay awhile, stay awhile, oh! ♪
[man on TV] I started collecting
and drinking bacon grease
after my wife left me.
I just needed something
to get my mind off of how she done run off
with that dang preacher.
You're my boy, Randy.
[clicks]
♪ Ava, when you moved ♪
♪ To Antarctica ♪
♪You know you broke ♪
♪ My heart-ica ♪
♪ Makes me so sad ♪
♪ When we part-ica ♪
♪ You left me without
Anything that really ♪
♪ Rhymes with Antarctica ♪
Thanks a lot, Ava.
You couldn't move somewhere
a little more rhymable?
[vocalizing]
[theme music playing]
whenever I even think about Stick,
my hands get clammy,
my heart beats a mile a minute,
and my stomach feels
like I'm sitting in g-force training
right after eating Chipotle.
Hmm. I've heard these symptoms before.
It sounds like you might have
what's often referred to as...
"romantic feelings."
That's crazy. Stick's my friend.
There's gotta be lots of reasons
why I'd be feeling these feelings.
Nope, there's only two reasons:
romantic feelings
or you have dead cow fever.
[gasps] You haven't worn flip-flops
to a farm in Mongolia lately, have you?
Oh, my God. I like Stick?
[sighs] I like Stick.
And just to think, not even a week ago,
I laughed in his face
when Brooke thought he had a crush on me.
Oh, my God.
What if he really had a crush on me?
I laughed in his face.
If he did like me,
he probably hates me now.
I mean, if I liked me and laughed at me,
I'd hate me.
[sighs] My life is so hard.
Dr. Garcia, any updates on the--
I've rotated the rover's camera an eighth
of a degree clockwise
and recalibrated
the user frame accordingly.
Nice.
Well, great. You saved the Mars mission.
What are you gonna do about the Stick?
I don't know.
And there's no "the." It's just "Stick."
Ah. That's a much more normal name.
[theme music playing]
So, do you think he thinks I put him
in the friend zone?
How do I let him know
I want him out of the friend zone
and into the more-than-a-friend zone?
Is that even a zone?
-How many zones are there?
-[sighs]
You know, I remember my first crush.
Freddie Prinze Jr. [laughs]
Was he your high school boyfriend?
Oh. Sometimes I forget how young you are.
And, yes. Yes, he was.
Oh, my gosh.
I've liked Stick for a whole ten minutes,
and I haven't told Brooke yet.
Should I call her? Text her?
Is this tell-her-in-person type of news?
Snapchat? A DM?
Has anyone ever told you
that you tend to overthink things?
You sound like the guy
who works at Baskin-Robbins.
Some flavors just don't work
with mint chocolate chip, dude.
Look, Ashley,
you're experiencing young love.
My advice:
stop overanalyzing every teeny-tiny thing
and try to enjoy yourself, okay?
Okay, I'll try.
Good.
'Cause once you get to my age,
things get a little more complicated.
You'll meet someone great,
you'll hit it off,
you'll have
some truly magical nights together...
He's my uncle.
Right, right. Ahem, sorry.
Then as soon as you really start
to have feelings for him,
you have to move to Antarctica.
Isn't that your choice?
It's not my choice. It's my dream.
My uncle's really gonna miss you.
I think he'd do anything to be with you.
Yeah, I'm really gonna miss him, too.
You're not getting it.
You need to check your suitcase
before you board the plane.
He might try and pack himself inside.
When I was a kid, I had two passions:
music and football.
But I chose football and gave up music.
Then years later,
after a humiliating blocked field goal,
I gave up football, too.
I thought
I'd never follow my passions again...
until I met you.
You're my passion now.
[sighs]
I think I'm falling in love with you.
Man, you'd be surprised how often people
say things like that to me.
Sometimes just random people
on the street.
So what'd you think?
You think it's gonna convince Ava to stay?
The speech? Oh, that was smooth, homie.
Yeah, you got this. You're all good.
Hey, I bet when you were single,
you had to make speeches like this.
No, actually,
I never had to work that hard.
Hey, so I got a few dress options
for tomorrow.
Brooke. Okay, before we get to that,
I have something important I need
to tell you in person.
I was just gonna text you about it,
but after thinking about it for an hour--
This is Baskin-Robbins all over again.
Well, believe it or not,
there's something important
I need to tell you, too.
-But what's your thing?
-Oh, you go first.
Thanks, 'cause this is bananas insane.
I like Stick. [squeals] Yeah.
You what?
I know. Stick Goldstein,
the kid who accidentally swallowed
his Invisalign.
It sounds crazy, doesn't it?
But we got really close working
on my video together.
And I know
we were always ripping on each other
because I thought he was so annoying,
but did you know he's actually
really funny and interesting?
Yeah, I could see that.
-I mean, now, after you mentioned it.
-[gasps]
And based on the way
I saw him looking at me,
I'm pretty sure he likes me back. [laughs]
Oh. Look, I know how wild this sounds.
Stick and me?
I mean, can you even believe this?
I can't even believe this.
[laughs] Oh, come on,
stop making fun of me.
So, what important thing
did you have to tell me?
Oh, uh...
I just wanted to tell you that, um...
Wanted to tell you that...
I figured out my order
for next time we go to Baskin-Robbins.
A strawberry milkshake.
Great. Getting ice cream
will be so much faster now.
Okay, so I raided my closet
for anything that might fit you.
Obviously, I ignored anything
from my goth phase.
So many chokers.
Something wrong?
No, nothing. I swear.
Oh.
I know what it is.
-You do?
-Listen, just because I like Stick
does not mean I'm not taking you
to the Fall Ball tomorrow.
I promised you I would cross off
"go to a high school dance"
from your bucket list,
and I'm gonna do just that, okay?
Okay. Thanks, Brooke.
Okay, let's see what we got here.
[clears throat] This one says, "Radiant."
Oh, this one says, "Fierce."
And this one says, "Team Building '08."
Sorry, must be one of my mom's shirts
from work,
but it could be cute if you belted it.
Whoo! Great practice, Tad.
You're setting a fantastic example.
You showed the team
that football's your number one priority.
Coach, why'd we have practice
for only 15 minutes today?
'Cause I wanna go surprise my girlfriend
at work.
That actually reminds me, I was hoping
you guys could help me with something.
What's up, Stick?
Something's going on in my personal life,
and I need some advice.
How do I choose between two things?
Like, two really great things.
Say, Coke and Pepsi.
Yeah, I've had Coke on my mind
for a while now,
but Coke doesn't seem too interested.
Then out of nowhere,
cute and popular Pepsi comes along
and wants me to drink it.
Which soda do I drink?
Just order a Dr Pepper.
Don't worry, Stick. I understand
what you're talking about. [laughs]
I used to drink my share of soda
when I was your age, too.
-Probably drank more than me.
-Yeah, that's probably true.
What can I say? Sodas just loved me.
Guys, that stuff's really bad
for your teeth.
Tons of sugar.
Stick...
if Pepsi's available
and Coke missed her chance...
go for the Pepsi.
Thanks, Coach.
Last thing you wanna do
when it comes to girls
is come off as pathetic.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go beg a woman not to move away.
Oh, I get it now.
Coke and Pepsi are like a metaphor.
Let's see,
who's Stick been hanging out with lately?
Hmm. Is "Pepsi" code for "Brooke Bishop"?
Wow, Tad, that's right. How'd you know?
And Coke is Miss Fox, the French teacher.
Correct again.
There's a lot more going on up here
than meets the eye.
So, you and Brooke, huh?
All right, Stick!
You gonna ask her to the Fall Ball?
The Fall Ball?
The social event where all my peers
are constantly judging what you wear
and how you dance
and how much you sweat?
I'll be safe at home, thank you very much.
Come on, man.
This year's theme's county fair.
There's gonna be corn dogs,
skee-ball, funnel cake.
[snaps fingers]
Meltzer's bringing a pig as his date.
Whoa. That is uncalled for.
No, like a bacon pig.
His uncle has a farm.
He's gonna sneak it in under his jacket.
Sounds great, but the thought of walking
into that dance with Brooke Bishop
is super nerve-wracking.
No, I just need to ask her
to do something simple
that doesn't involve a lot of people.
I'm gonna invite her to my house
for Hot Pockets.
That's it?
And Uno.
Suit yourself.
But if Sarah Jessica Parker
ends up being named Fall Ball queen,
I'm not sending you any pictures.
Ashley, are you okay? What's wrong?
Why'd you send me a 911 text?
I'm sad.
Huh. Perhaps soon,
we need to have a discussion
on what warrants a 911 text.
Okay. What's wrong, mija?
-Nothing.
-Ashley,
I did run two red lights to get here.
There's this boy, and I really like him,
and I was gonna tell him that I like him,
but first I was gonna tell Brooke,
then just when I was about to tell Brooke,
she told me she liked him.
The same boy?
-Yes.
-No.
I know you just think
it's some stupid crush, but--
No, Ash. I get it.
I'm so sorry, mija.
It hurts. I hate this feeling.
I wish there was something I could do.
I really like this boy,
but now I can never do anything about it.
I'm never gonna like another boy again.
Oh, why did I ever wanna be a teenager?
This was all a mistake.
-What are you doing?
-I'm gonna delete my bucket list.
Your what?
My bucket list.
Before I moved here,
I made a list of all the things I wanna do
while I'm a teenager:
go to a dance,
buy something from Hot Topic...
other things I'd rather not discuss
with my uncle.
But if how I'm feeling right now
is how it feels not to get something
you really want,
then maybe I don't want this list anymore.
-Hey, give it back.
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
If you get a 911, I get a 911.
I'm doing this for your own good.
-You better not look at it.
-I won't. I won't.
These are your dreams.
If you lose your dreams,
you lose a part of yourself.
Trust me.
So, I will give you this phone back,
but you need to promise me
you won't delete this list.
Fine, I promise. Just give it back.
[Victor sighs]
Did I see number nine
on that list is to see NCIS on Ice?
If you tell anyone, I will kill you.
-Need a hand?
-Oh! Oh! Oh, Victor!
[gasps] What are you doing here?
Wait, how did you get past security?
When you got charm like this,
you can get in just about anywhere.
I once did a tour of the White House
and used the Oval Office bathroom.
Shh.
Ava, please.
-[sighs] Ahem.
-I've never told anyone this before,
but when I was a kid, I had two passions,
music and football.
But I chose football,
-and I gave up on--
-Victor, Victor, please.
I know where this is going,
and now is not the time to let feelings
get in the way of life plans.
We shouldn't make this harder
than it already is. I'm sorry.
Excuse me, do you have a badge?
[laughs] Hey, you're good.
Well, tonight's the night.
We'll meet at your house
to do hair at five,
get dressed by six
and photos from six to seven
to get something good
to post on Instagram.
Sheesh, hope we have enough time
for a Boomerang.
Oh, good call.
We're gonna have to bump everything up
half an hour.
Stick, hey.
Hey, Stick.
Brooke, Ashley.
Didn't expect to see you two here...
at the coffee shop we always go to.
Anyway... Brooke, you can say no
if you don't want to,
Yeah.
You know
how I'm a really good microwave chef?
[laughs]
No, seriously. I wanted to ask you to--
The Fall Ball dance tonight?
Oh, my God, Stick, that's so nice.
Uh, yeah.
That's definitely what I was going to ask.
I would love to go with you.
That's so...
Yeah, uh-huh.
Oh, I already said I would go with Ashley.
-No, no, that's okay. You two should--
-[gasps] I know.
All three of us should go together.
[laughs]
-Okay.
-Sure.
This is great. Now everyone's happy.
[laughs] Yep. Everyone.
-Okay.
-[Ashley clears throat]
So, we'll need you to be at Ashley's
by 5:30.
We're gonna be on a very tight schedule,
so make sure you show up photo-ready.
And you want me to wear
something specific, right?
Aww, Stick, I want you to wear
what you wanna wear.
So, send me a photo of every single thing
in your closet,
and I will tell you what you want to wear.
-That's fair.
-Yeah. [laughs]
Oh. Fat-free? Really, tío?
From now on, I'm buying the ice cream.
[knock on door]
Dr. Garcia, help.
Tad, I'm not pretending
to be your psychologist again.
Bella just told me out of nowhere
that she's not going to the Fall Ball
with me, and now I'm sad.
Therapy me.
Um, didn't you guys break up?
Yeah, but I didn't know that meant
we wouldn't go to the dance together.
I mean, we had tickets.
What am I supposed to do?
Show up all by myself like one
of those teachers who has to chaperone?
No, thank you.
So, you're not gonna go at all?
Nah. I'll just stay home.
They're having a Hoarders marathon
on A&E.
[laughs] Those poor saps
sure have trouble letting go of things.
God, I miss Bella.
Tad, the worst thing you could do
right now is sit around and mope.
Says the girl eating ice cream
at 11 in the morning.
Hey, it's 11:08.
And if yogurt's breakfast,
ice cream can be, too.
And at least I'm going to the dance.
You are? With who?
Brooke... and Stick.
Brooke and Stick?
I believe
that's called being a third wheel.
Yeah. My first high school dance,
and I'm going as Brooke's plus-one...
plus one.
Pretty pathetic, huh?
It is, but I'm even more pathetic.
I thought up until today that my ex
was still going to the Fall Ball with me.
How's this for pathetic?
When I opened that ice cream,
I immediately threw away the lid.
Beat this. Two nights ago,
I took one of Bella's old sweaters
and put it on a stuffed elephant
and then slept next to it.
You win.
So...
do you want to go
to the Fall Ball with me?
What? For real?
Yeah, I mean, I don't have a date,
you have two. So...
Why don't we go together?
You know, as friends?
You know what? Yeah.
That sounds like fun. Let's do it.
Sweet. I'll just DVR Hoarders
and watch it with Bellephant
when I get home.
With who?
Nobody.
[camera shutter clicks]
Stick, the Fall Ball is going to be fun.
-Relax!
-I am relaxed.
I can see your heart beating in your neck.
[camera shutter clicks]
Ash, you coming?
You should get going soon.
-Wow.
-Wow.
Hello.
Oh, my God.
[sighs] You look beautiful.
And your bedroom is over there.
Why'd you come down the stairs?
I wanted to make an entrance.
Okay. Group shot.
If I don't get
at least one good photo of this,
[laughs] Ashley's mom will kill me.
Seriously, I just got off the phone
with her. She went into graphic detail.
-[camera shutter clicks]
-Well...
Are you getting all choked up
taking a picture?
[voice breaks] No.
I've been choked up
since you came downstairs.
Okay.
I guess maybe there are some upsides
to being a teenager.
-[horn honks]
-Hmm. What could that be?
A Tesla limo?
Oh. No way!
Tío Victor, how?
Oh, let's just say the guy at the limo
place is a big Victor Garcia fan.
Did he recognize you from the NFL?
No, he's just a fan of anyone who pays him
a lot of money to rent a limo.
Thank you, tío.
Oh, and wait until you see the--
Guys...
it has an Xbox.
-That!
-[laughs]
-[dance music playing]
-[chattering]
You did it.
You're officially
at your first high school dance.
Yeah. One small step for Ashley,
one giant leap for Ashley's social life.
[sighs]
Stick. We're here.
Why don't you come into the dance?
No, I can see everything from here.
Very funny. Come on.
[laughing]
They're laughing at me.
I know what they're saying.
They're saying,
"Hey, did Brooke Bishop lose a bet?"
"Isn't that the kid
who swallowed his Invisalign?"
I don't think I can do this.
Stick, they're not laughing at you.
They're laughing at Meltzer's date.
[squealing]
[woman on TV] My foyer is filled
with hundreds of mason jars,
each filled to the brim
with toenail clippings.
Even Hoarders isn't helping.
[clicks]
[cell phone chimes]
[sighs]
[dance music playing]
-[chattering]
-[laughing]
-Knock, knock.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Sorry.
I am the worst Fall Ball date ever.
Freshman year, I went with Mark Embleton.
His older brother drove us,
and I had to ride
in the bed of his pickup truck
with his Great Dane.
Okay, Second worst.
It's just I get self-conscious
in large crowds like this.
And being here with you,
it makes it worse.
What do you mean?
You're Brooke Bishop!
You're cool. You're popular.
You have 2,000 Instagram followers.
[laughs] Almost three...
Go on.
With so many people looking at us,
I can't stop wondering
what they're thinking of me
and how they're probably making fun of me.
Stick, you're smart, you're funny,
and you look really cute
in the outfit I picked out.
Do you ever stop to think
that all this anxiety is in your head?
I know it's in my head,
but that doesn't make it any better.
If only you could see you
the way I see you.
You know what? I bet you can.
[camera shutter clicks]
Ooh, bad lighting.
[shutter clicks]
Eh. That one's not any better.
My point is I'm glad you're my date.
So, you're not worried
about what your thousands
of followers might think
if they knew you went to the Fall Ball
with Stick Goldstein?
No. They already know.
-[Stick] Oh, my God. We're already public?
-Yep.
Posted it in the limo.
Almost 3,000 people saw
that you were my date
before we even walked in.
I guess the only thing we can do now
is try and have a good time.
Okay.
Well, then...
Milady, shall we?
[sighs] You've been waiting a long time
to say that, haven't you?
You have no idea.
You guys look really cute together.
Almost as cute as you guys.
You and Brooke disappeared
behind the cornstalks.
Bet I know what was going on back there.
I bet you don't.
-Hey.
-Hey.
I'm sorry I cut you off earlier.
I was trying to make this goodbye
as easy as possible,
but sometimes the easy way
isn't always the best way.
What were you gonna say?
I was gonna tell you about how,
when I was a kid,
I...
You know what?
Maybe I should just say it like this...
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ I will make you breakfast ♪
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ I will learn to make quiche ♪
I like quiche.
♪ If you stay ♪
♪You can come sleep over ♪
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ We'll hide things from my niece ♪
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ I'll make compromises ♪
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ I'll watch Neil deGrasse Tyson
With you ♪
I like Neil deGrasse Tyson.
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ My wishes all get granted ♪
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ Your dreams don't come true ♪
♪ That desert of ice and snow
Is dark and it's cold ♪
♪ There's no one to hold ♪
♪ But, Ava, if you go away ♪
♪ I'll be the one without the sun ♪
♪ Go or stay ♪
♪ If you go away ♪
♪ I'll be so alone without you ♪
♪ But I'll be so happy, too ♪
♪ 'Cause I know your dreams
Are coming true, yeah ♪
♪ You make me so happy ♪
♪ Though you also make me cry, girl ♪
♪ You know you had me
At "Rocks from the Sky" ♪
♪ If you stay ♪
♪ Your dreams ♪
♪ Go away ♪
♪ So, Ava ♪
♪ Go ♪
♪ Away ♪
Victor,
-that was amazing, and it really made me--
-Please...
now's not the time to let feelings get
in the way of life plans.
Ava,
I once gave up on my passions...
and I would never want to be
the reason you gave up on yours.
But that song was pretty good,
though, right?
It was.
Play me another sometime?
Hey, thanks for coming with me,
by the way.
Turns out, this is a lot more fun
than watching people live
in mountains of trash.
Wow, you really know what to say
to a girl.
Honestly, I'm having more fun tonight
than I thought I would.
See, Tad,
you don't need Bella to have a good time.
Actually, I don't think it has anything
to do with Bella.
The reason I'm having such a good time
tonight is 'cause I'm here on a date...
with you.
-This is a date?
-Okay. Smile.
[camera shutter clicks]
[laughs]
Ha, this is great. Your face is hilarious.
Hey, look, you're still making it.
Oh, now you stopped making it.
Now you're just back
to being real pretty.
That's so sweet.
I'll go get us some punch.
[laughs] Ooh, I feel like I'm coming down
with dead cow fever again.
Well, well, well.
Bella, you're here.
I thought you were going
to Lil Xan's macramé party.
I know what you're doing, Tad.
Getting punch?
You're trying to make me jealous
by showing up here with Ashley Garcia.
What? No, I'm not.
We said we were just going as friends.
Just so you know,
you're not gonna make me jealous,
even if you kiss her.
Hey, Ash, um...
I wanted to thank you for asking me
to do that video for Brooke.
If you hadn't...
I don't know if I'd be here.
You're welcome, Stick. I'm happy for you.
I'm happy for you, too.
Lucky to have a friend like you.
Stick, there you are.
I thought you'd gone into hiding again.
I was about to check the janitor's closet.
Mind if I steal him?
He's all yours.
Come on. Let's dance.
[dance music playing]
-Hey, wanna dance?
-Yeah, sure.
♪ I like me better when I'm with you ♪
Three weeks ago,
if someone told me I'd be here
at the dance with Stick Goldstein,
I would've said that's nuts.
I know. I'm so out of your league.
[laughing]
Okay, it's not that funny.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
So, is this how you pictured
your first high school dance?
Honestly, no,
but I can't imagine it any other way.
You want a breath mint?
Breath mint?
Yes. That's exactly what I want.
♪ I like me better when I'm with you ♪
♪ I knew from the first time
I'd stay for a long time ♪
♪ 'Cause I like me better when ♪
♪ I like me better when I'm with you ♪
♪ Stay awhile, stay awhile
Stay here with me ♪
♪ Stay awhile, stay awhile, oh! ♪
[man on TV] I started collecting
and drinking bacon grease
after my wife left me.
I just needed something
to get my mind off of how she done run off
with that dang preacher.
You're my boy, Randy.
[clicks]
♪ Ava, when you moved ♪
♪ To Antarctica ♪
♪You know you broke ♪
♪ My heart-ica ♪
♪ Makes me so sad ♪
♪ When we part-ica ♪
♪ You left me without
Anything that really ♪
♪ Rhymes with Antarctica ♪
Thanks a lot, Ava.
You couldn't move somewhere
a little more rhymable?
[vocalizing]
[theme music playing]