The Expanding Universe of Ashley Garcia (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Breath Mint - full transcript
-[computer chimes]
-Hi. I'm Ashley Garcia.
And even though my mom hates
all social media,
I've decided to post my first video
because I'm through obeying
every rule she decrees.
-I'm not scared of her anymore.
-[Mom] Ashley!
[knock on door]
Who are you talking to?
No one, Mom. I'm just...
packing out loud.
Socks, pants,
-[lock clicks]
-dead bolt.
Some stuff about me.
I am the youngest person ever
to earn a PhD,
and I just got a job at JPL in California,
where I'm going to make robots for NASA.
My mom is one year away
from tenure at Wellesley,
and by some miracle,
she agreed to let me move in
with my Uncle Victor in Pasadena.
[laughs] My mom and I lived in Pasadena
until I went away to college at nine.
I made a bucket list of things I want
to do
once I'm finally out from under her wing.
[clears throat]
Number one, go to Mars.
It'll be the next great leap for humanity.
And I won't need my mom's permission
to wear lip gloss.
Number two, order a Daddio's pizza.
I'm not allowed to eat there
because my mom found a typo on the menu.
She sent a series of angry e-mails.
They responded, "You're blocked."
I begged my mom to let me still order
from Daddio's.
She said, "Never. La familia es todo."
Number three...
find the meaning of life.
My mom says it's to get good grades
and make lots of money,
but I know there's gotta be more.
My uncle's got a pool.
Should I pack this suit my mom picked...
[laughs]
or the one she doesn't know about?
This'll be our little secret.
I love my mom. I just need a little space.
-[knock on door]
-[Mom] Ashley! Are you all packed?
You're gonna miss your flight.
Almost done, Mom.
[sighs] I can't post this.
If she sees it, I'm dead.
-Stop. Edit.
-[chimes]
-Delete all.
-[crunching sound]
See you in California.
I'm talking to no one.
[theme music playing]
I don't usually go back to a man's place
on the first date.
[slow-tempo music playing]
Ooh.
Yeah, this is new for me, too.
[doorbell rings]
-Hold my place.
-[both laugh]
I just have to blow up whoever that is.
Tío Victor!
Ashley!
What are you doing here?
Moving in, like we planned.
No, no, no, you're not here till Monday.
No, Monday's when my job at JPL starts.
I shared my Google Calendar with you.
Yes, you did.
Introduce me, Victor.
Right.
This is my niece, Ashley.
Ashley, this is...
You forgot my name?
[laughs] I know your name. It's...
-Just give me the first letter.
-[gasps]
She couldn't stay.
Oh, but I'm glad you're here. Ugh!
Let's grab you something to drink.
Tell me about your new job.
Well, it combines my two biggest dreams,
space exploration
and being 3,000 miles away from my mother.
Ashley, that's your mother
you're talking about.
I totally get how you feel.
You know your mom always used to say
I was the spoiled baby of the family,
that I would never grow up, but ha!
Look at me now!
[laughs]
Raising a teenager, being responsible.
Oh, I've been waiting
to do this my whole life.
Be a parent?
No, prove your mom wrong.
And all I want is the freedom
to try new things.
Well, life's an adventure.
Whatever you wanna try, I will support--
Put that beer down!
It's all you have in the fridge.
There's lemonade.
-"Bob's Hard Lemonade."
-Don't drink that!
[laughs] Maybe starting with the kitchen
wasn't a great idea.
-[laughs] Can I see my room?
-Here it is.
Now I have no excuse not to work out.
I got your calendar.
You are coming tonight.
[groaning]
[winces]
What are you doing here?
We're on the football team.
Coach lets us use the pool.
[groans] I think you broke my brain.
And my family has
a really high deductible.
It's just a little trauma
to your tympanic membrane.
Tympanic membrane?
Oh, you must be Coach's genius niece.
This is a great chat.
Hand me my robe.
What's going on?
Tío Victor, I'm not dressed.
Everybody out! My niece is naked.
I'm not naked.
I'm just in my pajamas.
Then, what's the big deal? Everybody stay!
The pajamas you got me for my birthday.
The fuzzy ones?
Oh. Cutest jammies ever.
There's this tail.
Tío Victor,
I don't want to meet anyone wearing these.
-Got it. Everyone, turn around.
-Yes, sir.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh.
Turn around!
Halfway.
Sorry. I wasn't here for the rules.
Okay, I'm robed.
Everyone, at ease.
Tad, Stick, Cash, Kesler, Bernie,
this is Ashley.
I don't have to tell you to be gentlemen.
Let's start over, shall we?
Stick Goldstein, equipment manager.
I'm Tad.
[harp playing]
[harp continues playing]
Oh, God. Oh, God.
My mom's FaceTiming me.
Move it. No one in front of her phone.
-Hey, Mom.
-Hey, Santina.
[Mom]
How was your first night at tío Victor's?
Great. He's a wonderful host.
Are those sheets on the couch?
Victor, did you forget to buy a bed?
I gave her my only pillow.
I'm basically a dad.
What was I thinking agreeing to this?
Hey, there is a perfectly good reason
why Ashley doesn't have a bed.
I forgot she was coming.
Papi was right.
Eres muchacho, no eres hombre.
Now, I'm getting on the next plane
and taking Ashley home.
Santina, please.
I know I messed up.
Let me prove I can change.
Please, Mom.
It's my dream to work at JPL.
Fine. You guys get a week.
Give me one reason to not trust you,
and Ashley comes home.
And get a second pillow for God's sake!
Thank you, Mom.
[sighs] You won't be sorry.
I promise, no surprises.
-[sneezes]
-What was that?
-I didn't hear anything.
- Bye, sis.
Um, it was nice to meet you all,
but it's time for me to put on
some real clothes.
Everybody, turn around!
I meant in my own room, but thank you.
That was very gallant.
Thank you for thinking
I'd know what that word means.
-Coach's niece.
-Huh?
Hey, Coach.
Ashley.
-Hey! Oh, my God.
-[laughs]
Wow, it's been like six years, right?
Oh, you've changed so much.
Nico! You haven't changed at all.
[laughs] That's kind of my thing.
So, I heard your tío Victor forgot
when you were showing up, huh?
Yeah, it's gonna be tough getting used
to living with a kid.
He'll get used to it.
-Oh, no, I was talking about you.
-[laughs]
-Ashley.
-Brooke!
[both shout]
I can't believe it's you.
Live long and prosper.
It's you all right.
I'm so glad you texted.
I'm sorry I didn't keep in touch
as often as I should have.
I get it.
We both got super busy two years ago.
I was getting a PhD
and inventing autonomous robots
to explore deep space.
And I was too tired to text you
after coming home from make-out parties.
Good old make-out parties.
I like to send my tongue in
and shake it around.
What do you like to do? Be specific.
You can tell me
if you've never kissed a boy.
I would if I hadn't, but I have.
So, tell me how you do it.
Come on, girl. No judgment.
Fine, you caught me.
I went to college at nine.
I kind of missed a lot,
and now I'm afraid it's too late
for me to ever catch up.
Not true.
Ash, I am an Instagram lifestyle
and makeup guru
with over 2,000 followers.
You should be
my before and after project,
ending with you getting your first kiss.
I don't know. I mean, I don't even have
the slightest idea who I'd even kiss.
Hey, Brooke. Hi, Ashley.
There might be one boy I can think of.
Tad Cameron?
He's the captain of the football team.
Yes, I know that increases his likelihood
of early dementia,
but I'm willing to overlook that.
I want to help you, Ash,
but only if you promise
to forget about kissing Tad
and set your sights
on more realistic lips.
What do you mean "realistic"?
Hello, ladies.
That's realistic. I'm gonna start talking
you up to Stick right now.
Wait, no. I mean, thanks,
but I'm gonna be too busy at work
to kiss anyone.
Okay, but just so you know,
there's no actual tongue shaking involved.
Noted.
First day at JPL. You nervous?
I'm just building robots,
working on the Mars rover.
It's like MIT,
except with billions of dollars at stake.
Cool, calm, collected. Such a gangsta.
I am a gangsta. We need oat milk.
Hey, Ash, I need a favor.
If Tad doesn't pass his algebra test,
he can't play on Friday.
Can you tutor him after work?
[spits]
You know what? It's your first day.
It's a lot to ask.
-I'll get someone else.
-No!
I'll do it.
Wow, I've never seen someone so excited
to tutor before.
Excited? I'm not excited.
You're my uncle.
I would do anything for you.
So, which one's Tad?
I don't regret it,
but taking care of a teenage girl's
a lot of responsibility.
I mean, as a coach,
I always know just what to say
to those kids.
But as a parent figure,
what if I can't find the right words?
What if I'm doing it all wrong?
The constant doubts, the second-guessing.
Is this how it's gonna be from now on?
[man] We're gonna have to stop here.
That is the 20th mattress I've shown you.
Holler when you find the perfect one
for your niece.
I'm gonna be helping my other customers
before they die of old age.
Do I know you?
Is that a pickup line?
'Cause if it is, I'm okay with that.
So, do you see anything you like?
Listen,
I've been thinking about your offer.
There's more to life than just work,
and maybe I can use a pointer here
or there--
You totally met a guy.
No.
I just want to be ready.
I know nothing about boys.
You know everything. Please, Brooke.
Be my Yoda.
I hope you're calling me Yoda
because I am wise
and not because of my skin.
Okay, let's see what I'm working with.
[sighs]
You're alone with a guy,
the conversation slows down,
and he takes a breath mint.
What does that mean?
He wants something sweet,
but he's on a diet,
and a breath mint
is a perfect low-caloric alternative.
Swish!
It means he wants to kiss you.
I mean, mine makes sense, too.
A breath mint is for kissing.
You want to learn this stuff or not?
I do. I really do. Go on.
Okay, I got a little something
to lend you.
This is a makeup kit.
My travel one. Just the essentials.
Eyes, cheekbones, lips.
Highlight, contour. Daytime, evening.
You want me to slow down? Can't keep up?
[laughs]
Eyes, cheekbones, lips.
Highlight, contour. Daytime, evening.
Ooh, playa's got potential.
But don't get too cocky, young Padawan.
-There's still so much to learn.
-[Ashley clears throat]
-Hey, Brooke.
-Tad.
Hey, Ashley. I'll see you in a bit.
Okay, bye. [scoffs]
Ash, I warned you to stay away from Tad.
I'm just tutoring him.
But you wanna shake tongues with him.
I do, I really do!
Ashley, this is a bad idea.
Tad has had lots of girlfriends.
He's probably had more makeup rub off
on him than you've ever put on.
So what? I don't understand.
Yoda would not let Luke fight Darth Vader
with one day's training.
I'm sorry. I can't help you, Ashley.
Fine, don't help.
I taught myself orbital theory
when I was six.
I think I can teach myself how
to use an eyebrow pencil.
The red one is lip liner.
Hey, Ash. Looks like tomorrow
you might just have a bed. [exclaims]
What happened?
[laughs] I mean, you look great.
I was experimenting.
Apparently,
I'm not a genius at everything.
What's going on here?
Did this have anything to do
with your first day at work?
How was it?
Tío Victor,
have you ever wanted something so much,
you convince yourself
you might actually get it?
And then someone tells you
you're not ready at all,
and you realize they might be right?
Did you get to work
on the Mars rover today?
I did.
Hmm. I see what happened.
[sighs]
Someone saw you commanding it
and said, "Hey, kid, you can't do this."
Am I right?
That's... exactly what I'm talking about.
Ash, there's always gonna be people
who say you can't do something.
2010, we're playing at the Meadowlands.
Fourth down on the Giants' 48.
I tell Coach,
"I can kick that field goal."
Sixty-five yards, a new record.
Everyone says, "No way.
Kicking into the wind at sea level?
Never gonna happen, Garcia."
[snaps fingers]
But a voice inside tells me,
"Vic, you can do this.
This can be your ticket to Canton!"
You made the field goal?
Got blocked. Returned for a touchdown.
Our entire season fell apart after that.
Why are you telling me this?
I don't know. That was a bad story.
I guess the point is
if you're gonna give a pep talk,
do not wing it.
So, the absolute value of x is three,
not minus three,
'cause the absolute value
is never negative.
Oh, boom!
Who's the PhD now?
Still me.
But you've picked that up really fast.
-You're pretty smart, Tad.
-[laughs] Wow.
I've been called a lot of things
in this house, but never smart.
Like what?
Let's see. There's dolt, nitwit,
drooler, dunderhead...
What is all that?
Nicknames my dad has for me.
Pudding-head,
window-licker...
That's awful.
No, it's his way of motivating me.
See, I'll never get to college
on my grades,
so "It's either a full ride
on a football scholarship
or a short ride
to the Marine recruiting office!"
My dad's line.
He's not just clever coming up
with the nicknames.
Tad, you've got a lot more
than two options.
We can't let other people tell us
what we can and can't do.
Wait. Someone told you,
Ashley Garcia, the genius,
that you can't do something?
It's happened.
[chuckles] Well, whoever said it
is clearly a dunderhead.
You're sweet.
I mean it. I've never met anyone like you.
Well, I've never met anyone like you.
-Breath mint?
-Breath mint?
[chiming]
Ashley, are you there?
[laughs] Spam call.
You were saying something
about a breath mint?
Yeah, for fresh breath.
[laughs] Of course. Minty, fresh breath.
[gulps]
Oh, no! No, no.
But-- but you took a breath mint.
Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
I gotta go.
No, Ashley, it's not you.
I have scouts coming to see me play,
and I've gotta stay totally focused.
Right. Focused.
Good luck on the test.
You bring a lot of women back here
on first dates?
Nope. Just very helpful saleswomen
who offer to measure my room
for a new bed.
Well, then, we better get upstairs
and make sure everything fits.
See? This is the kind of personal service
you just can't get on Amazon.
[rings]
[man] Daddio's Pizza.
This is Ashley Garcia at 217 Glenmont.
I ordered my pizza 46 minutes ago.
If you canceled my order,
I want you to know I'm not related
to Santina Garcia.
I like typos on menus.
It's on its way.
Thanks.
Take that, Mom.
Hey, Ash. How was the study session?
Great. Tad will do fine.
Okay, what's the matter?
Did he try something with you?
No, I wanted him to,
but I'm gonna die unkissed.
I'm an epic geek, and I'll always be one.
Ash, that's so not true.
Then why else would he not want
to kiss me?
My niece is coming to tutor you.
Try anything with her,
I'll tear your head off
and kick it through the uprights.
Got it, Coach.
We'll never know, so hey, let's move on.
You didn't say anything to Tad, did you?
Tad? No.
Huh? Wait, which one's Tad?
I can't believe you, tío.
What did you say to him?
Did you threaten him?
Why are we bringing up the past?
[cell phone ringing]
It's my mom.
We're not done here, tío Victor!
Hi, Mom.
Why'd you hang up on me earlier?
Did I?
You know the rules, Ashley.
-If you're hiding something--
-[doorbell rings]
She's not hiding anything, sis.
But if you are,
I'm on the next plane out there.
Daddio's Pizza.
Ashley! Did you order Daddio's Pizza?
No.
We didn't order that.
See? We're not hiding anything.
We're open books. Ask me anything.
What's up with you two?
[both] Nothing.
[woman]
Victor, are you coming back upstairs?
Who was that?
-Ghost!
-Ghost?
[Victor screams]
He just saw the ghost.
Oh, Ashley.
The rules were
that we would all be completely honest
with one another.
I'm catching the next flight to LA
to bring you back home,
so you might as well tell me everything
that you and tío Victor have been up to.
It's time for the truth!
Where are you, Mom?
In Cambridge.
Then how come the shadows
on your face are so short?
The latitude and longitude of Cambridge
is 42 degrees north and 71 degrees west,
and out here it's 34 degrees north.
Even when we factor in
the time difference,
the shadows in Cambridge
are twice the size
of wherever you're standing now.
The point is, Mom, you're lying to me!
The point is
tío Victor has strange women coming over.
And if the Daddio's Pizza deliveryman went
to the wrong address,
then why did he leave his pizza
at tío Victor's house?
Mom, are you outside?
She's out there.
Next to a rented Camry.
Get in here, Mom.
Fine.
Do you think
your friend upstairs is presentable?
For the first time in my life, I hope so.
So, time for the truth, Mom?
I didn't see
that longitude/latitude thing coming.
My abuelo told me my PhD
in sociology would be useless.
But that doesn't change the fact
this experiment is over.
Mom, part of giving me a chance
to come live out here was trusting me.
-You said you would, and you didn't.
-Yeah, you tell her, Ashley.
-And you didn't, either!
-Say what?
You are both controlling and dishonest.
You were controlling?
I'm impressed.
Ash...
not trusting you was a big mistake.
I messed up. I hope you'll forgive me.
I don't know what else to say.
Thank you. Your apology said it all.
It says nothing! What happened?
What happened was tío Victor
just apologized for being overprotective
and for not trusting me.
Please, Mom. From the time I was nine,
all I've done is study.
This is my chance
to finally be a kid, too.
I just want a little balance,
but I'll never get that without trust.
Can you please trust me?
Tomorrow there's a flight back home
that I've made reservations for.
I've got two tickets.
I'll only be using one of them.
You can stay.
Thank you, Mom.
Ah, I flew Spirit.
The tickets were dirt cheap.
Oh, my goodness.
This all worked out perfect.
Victor, I just finished assembling
your new bed upstairs.
Your niece's bed
will be delivered tomorrow.
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much...
Alexandra.
You two seem to be getting along
really well.
I don't like it.
Ash, I'm sorry I bailed on you yesterday.
I was a bad Yoda.
I was a bad Luke.
How'd the tutoring go?
I tried to kiss Tad.
Ooh!
But he was horrified.
Oh.
But I think it's
because my uncle sabotaged me.
I don't have an "ooh" for that.
Hey, Ash. I never got your contact info.
Are you on Instagram?
Yeah, I'm on Instagram all the time.
Great. I'll follow you.
Got you covered. Just signed you up.
[theme music playing]
-Hi. I'm Ashley Garcia.
And even though my mom hates
all social media,
I've decided to post my first video
because I'm through obeying
every rule she decrees.
-I'm not scared of her anymore.
-[Mom] Ashley!
[knock on door]
Who are you talking to?
No one, Mom. I'm just...
packing out loud.
Socks, pants,
-[lock clicks]
-dead bolt.
Some stuff about me.
I am the youngest person ever
to earn a PhD,
and I just got a job at JPL in California,
where I'm going to make robots for NASA.
My mom is one year away
from tenure at Wellesley,
and by some miracle,
she agreed to let me move in
with my Uncle Victor in Pasadena.
[laughs] My mom and I lived in Pasadena
until I went away to college at nine.
I made a bucket list of things I want
to do
once I'm finally out from under her wing.
[clears throat]
Number one, go to Mars.
It'll be the next great leap for humanity.
And I won't need my mom's permission
to wear lip gloss.
Number two, order a Daddio's pizza.
I'm not allowed to eat there
because my mom found a typo on the menu.
She sent a series of angry e-mails.
They responded, "You're blocked."
I begged my mom to let me still order
from Daddio's.
She said, "Never. La familia es todo."
Number three...
find the meaning of life.
My mom says it's to get good grades
and make lots of money,
but I know there's gotta be more.
My uncle's got a pool.
Should I pack this suit my mom picked...
[laughs]
or the one she doesn't know about?
This'll be our little secret.
I love my mom. I just need a little space.
-[knock on door]
-[Mom] Ashley! Are you all packed?
You're gonna miss your flight.
Almost done, Mom.
[sighs] I can't post this.
If she sees it, I'm dead.
-Stop. Edit.
-[chimes]
-Delete all.
-[crunching sound]
See you in California.
I'm talking to no one.
[theme music playing]
I don't usually go back to a man's place
on the first date.
[slow-tempo music playing]
Ooh.
Yeah, this is new for me, too.
[doorbell rings]
-Hold my place.
-[both laugh]
I just have to blow up whoever that is.
Tío Victor!
Ashley!
What are you doing here?
Moving in, like we planned.
No, no, no, you're not here till Monday.
No, Monday's when my job at JPL starts.
I shared my Google Calendar with you.
Yes, you did.
Introduce me, Victor.
Right.
This is my niece, Ashley.
Ashley, this is...
You forgot my name?
[laughs] I know your name. It's...
-Just give me the first letter.
-[gasps]
She couldn't stay.
Oh, but I'm glad you're here. Ugh!
Let's grab you something to drink.
Tell me about your new job.
Well, it combines my two biggest dreams,
space exploration
and being 3,000 miles away from my mother.
Ashley, that's your mother
you're talking about.
I totally get how you feel.
You know your mom always used to say
I was the spoiled baby of the family,
that I would never grow up, but ha!
Look at me now!
[laughs]
Raising a teenager, being responsible.
Oh, I've been waiting
to do this my whole life.
Be a parent?
No, prove your mom wrong.
And all I want is the freedom
to try new things.
Well, life's an adventure.
Whatever you wanna try, I will support--
Put that beer down!
It's all you have in the fridge.
There's lemonade.
-"Bob's Hard Lemonade."
-Don't drink that!
[laughs] Maybe starting with the kitchen
wasn't a great idea.
-[laughs] Can I see my room?
-Here it is.
Now I have no excuse not to work out.
I got your calendar.
You are coming tonight.
[groaning]
[winces]
What are you doing here?
We're on the football team.
Coach lets us use the pool.
[groans] I think you broke my brain.
And my family has
a really high deductible.
It's just a little trauma
to your tympanic membrane.
Tympanic membrane?
Oh, you must be Coach's genius niece.
This is a great chat.
Hand me my robe.
What's going on?
Tío Victor, I'm not dressed.
Everybody out! My niece is naked.
I'm not naked.
I'm just in my pajamas.
Then, what's the big deal? Everybody stay!
The pajamas you got me for my birthday.
The fuzzy ones?
Oh. Cutest jammies ever.
There's this tail.
Tío Victor,
I don't want to meet anyone wearing these.
-Got it. Everyone, turn around.
-Yes, sir.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh.
Turn around!
Halfway.
Sorry. I wasn't here for the rules.
Okay, I'm robed.
Everyone, at ease.
Tad, Stick, Cash, Kesler, Bernie,
this is Ashley.
I don't have to tell you to be gentlemen.
Let's start over, shall we?
Stick Goldstein, equipment manager.
I'm Tad.
[harp playing]
[harp continues playing]
Oh, God. Oh, God.
My mom's FaceTiming me.
Move it. No one in front of her phone.
-Hey, Mom.
-Hey, Santina.
[Mom]
How was your first night at tío Victor's?
Great. He's a wonderful host.
Are those sheets on the couch?
Victor, did you forget to buy a bed?
I gave her my only pillow.
I'm basically a dad.
What was I thinking agreeing to this?
Hey, there is a perfectly good reason
why Ashley doesn't have a bed.
I forgot she was coming.
Papi was right.
Eres muchacho, no eres hombre.
Now, I'm getting on the next plane
and taking Ashley home.
Santina, please.
I know I messed up.
Let me prove I can change.
Please, Mom.
It's my dream to work at JPL.
Fine. You guys get a week.
Give me one reason to not trust you,
and Ashley comes home.
And get a second pillow for God's sake!
Thank you, Mom.
[sighs] You won't be sorry.
I promise, no surprises.
-[sneezes]
-What was that?
-I didn't hear anything.
- Bye, sis.
Um, it was nice to meet you all,
but it's time for me to put on
some real clothes.
Everybody, turn around!
I meant in my own room, but thank you.
That was very gallant.
Thank you for thinking
I'd know what that word means.
-Coach's niece.
-Huh?
Hey, Coach.
Ashley.
-Hey! Oh, my God.
-[laughs]
Wow, it's been like six years, right?
Oh, you've changed so much.
Nico! You haven't changed at all.
[laughs] That's kind of my thing.
So, I heard your tío Victor forgot
when you were showing up, huh?
Yeah, it's gonna be tough getting used
to living with a kid.
He'll get used to it.
-Oh, no, I was talking about you.
-[laughs]
-Ashley.
-Brooke!
[both shout]
I can't believe it's you.
Live long and prosper.
It's you all right.
I'm so glad you texted.
I'm sorry I didn't keep in touch
as often as I should have.
I get it.
We both got super busy two years ago.
I was getting a PhD
and inventing autonomous robots
to explore deep space.
And I was too tired to text you
after coming home from make-out parties.
Good old make-out parties.
I like to send my tongue in
and shake it around.
What do you like to do? Be specific.
You can tell me
if you've never kissed a boy.
I would if I hadn't, but I have.
So, tell me how you do it.
Come on, girl. No judgment.
Fine, you caught me.
I went to college at nine.
I kind of missed a lot,
and now I'm afraid it's too late
for me to ever catch up.
Not true.
Ash, I am an Instagram lifestyle
and makeup guru
with over 2,000 followers.
You should be
my before and after project,
ending with you getting your first kiss.
I don't know. I mean, I don't even have
the slightest idea who I'd even kiss.
Hey, Brooke. Hi, Ashley.
There might be one boy I can think of.
Tad Cameron?
He's the captain of the football team.
Yes, I know that increases his likelihood
of early dementia,
but I'm willing to overlook that.
I want to help you, Ash,
but only if you promise
to forget about kissing Tad
and set your sights
on more realistic lips.
What do you mean "realistic"?
Hello, ladies.
That's realistic. I'm gonna start talking
you up to Stick right now.
Wait, no. I mean, thanks,
but I'm gonna be too busy at work
to kiss anyone.
Okay, but just so you know,
there's no actual tongue shaking involved.
Noted.
First day at JPL. You nervous?
I'm just building robots,
working on the Mars rover.
It's like MIT,
except with billions of dollars at stake.
Cool, calm, collected. Such a gangsta.
I am a gangsta. We need oat milk.
Hey, Ash, I need a favor.
If Tad doesn't pass his algebra test,
he can't play on Friday.
Can you tutor him after work?
[spits]
You know what? It's your first day.
It's a lot to ask.
-I'll get someone else.
-No!
I'll do it.
Wow, I've never seen someone so excited
to tutor before.
Excited? I'm not excited.
You're my uncle.
I would do anything for you.
So, which one's Tad?
I don't regret it,
but taking care of a teenage girl's
a lot of responsibility.
I mean, as a coach,
I always know just what to say
to those kids.
But as a parent figure,
what if I can't find the right words?
What if I'm doing it all wrong?
The constant doubts, the second-guessing.
Is this how it's gonna be from now on?
[man] We're gonna have to stop here.
That is the 20th mattress I've shown you.
Holler when you find the perfect one
for your niece.
I'm gonna be helping my other customers
before they die of old age.
Do I know you?
Is that a pickup line?
'Cause if it is, I'm okay with that.
So, do you see anything you like?
Listen,
I've been thinking about your offer.
There's more to life than just work,
and maybe I can use a pointer here
or there--
You totally met a guy.
No.
I just want to be ready.
I know nothing about boys.
You know everything. Please, Brooke.
Be my Yoda.
I hope you're calling me Yoda
because I am wise
and not because of my skin.
Okay, let's see what I'm working with.
[sighs]
You're alone with a guy,
the conversation slows down,
and he takes a breath mint.
What does that mean?
He wants something sweet,
but he's on a diet,
and a breath mint
is a perfect low-caloric alternative.
Swish!
It means he wants to kiss you.
I mean, mine makes sense, too.
A breath mint is for kissing.
You want to learn this stuff or not?
I do. I really do. Go on.
Okay, I got a little something
to lend you.
This is a makeup kit.
My travel one. Just the essentials.
Eyes, cheekbones, lips.
Highlight, contour. Daytime, evening.
You want me to slow down? Can't keep up?
[laughs]
Eyes, cheekbones, lips.
Highlight, contour. Daytime, evening.
Ooh, playa's got potential.
But don't get too cocky, young Padawan.
-There's still so much to learn.
-[Ashley clears throat]
-Hey, Brooke.
-Tad.
Hey, Ashley. I'll see you in a bit.
Okay, bye. [scoffs]
Ash, I warned you to stay away from Tad.
I'm just tutoring him.
But you wanna shake tongues with him.
I do, I really do!
Ashley, this is a bad idea.
Tad has had lots of girlfriends.
He's probably had more makeup rub off
on him than you've ever put on.
So what? I don't understand.
Yoda would not let Luke fight Darth Vader
with one day's training.
I'm sorry. I can't help you, Ashley.
Fine, don't help.
I taught myself orbital theory
when I was six.
I think I can teach myself how
to use an eyebrow pencil.
The red one is lip liner.
Hey, Ash. Looks like tomorrow
you might just have a bed. [exclaims]
What happened?
[laughs] I mean, you look great.
I was experimenting.
Apparently,
I'm not a genius at everything.
What's going on here?
Did this have anything to do
with your first day at work?
How was it?
Tío Victor,
have you ever wanted something so much,
you convince yourself
you might actually get it?
And then someone tells you
you're not ready at all,
and you realize they might be right?
Did you get to work
on the Mars rover today?
I did.
Hmm. I see what happened.
[sighs]
Someone saw you commanding it
and said, "Hey, kid, you can't do this."
Am I right?
That's... exactly what I'm talking about.
Ash, there's always gonna be people
who say you can't do something.
2010, we're playing at the Meadowlands.
Fourth down on the Giants' 48.
I tell Coach,
"I can kick that field goal."
Sixty-five yards, a new record.
Everyone says, "No way.
Kicking into the wind at sea level?
Never gonna happen, Garcia."
[snaps fingers]
But a voice inside tells me,
"Vic, you can do this.
This can be your ticket to Canton!"
You made the field goal?
Got blocked. Returned for a touchdown.
Our entire season fell apart after that.
Why are you telling me this?
I don't know. That was a bad story.
I guess the point is
if you're gonna give a pep talk,
do not wing it.
So, the absolute value of x is three,
not minus three,
'cause the absolute value
is never negative.
Oh, boom!
Who's the PhD now?
Still me.
But you've picked that up really fast.
-You're pretty smart, Tad.
-[laughs] Wow.
I've been called a lot of things
in this house, but never smart.
Like what?
Let's see. There's dolt, nitwit,
drooler, dunderhead...
What is all that?
Nicknames my dad has for me.
Pudding-head,
window-licker...
That's awful.
No, it's his way of motivating me.
See, I'll never get to college
on my grades,
so "It's either a full ride
on a football scholarship
or a short ride
to the Marine recruiting office!"
My dad's line.
He's not just clever coming up
with the nicknames.
Tad, you've got a lot more
than two options.
We can't let other people tell us
what we can and can't do.
Wait. Someone told you,
Ashley Garcia, the genius,
that you can't do something?
It's happened.
[chuckles] Well, whoever said it
is clearly a dunderhead.
You're sweet.
I mean it. I've never met anyone like you.
Well, I've never met anyone like you.
-Breath mint?
-Breath mint?
[chiming]
Ashley, are you there?
[laughs] Spam call.
You were saying something
about a breath mint?
Yeah, for fresh breath.
[laughs] Of course. Minty, fresh breath.
[gulps]
Oh, no! No, no.
But-- but you took a breath mint.
Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
I gotta go.
No, Ashley, it's not you.
I have scouts coming to see me play,
and I've gotta stay totally focused.
Right. Focused.
Good luck on the test.
You bring a lot of women back here
on first dates?
Nope. Just very helpful saleswomen
who offer to measure my room
for a new bed.
Well, then, we better get upstairs
and make sure everything fits.
See? This is the kind of personal service
you just can't get on Amazon.
[rings]
[man] Daddio's Pizza.
This is Ashley Garcia at 217 Glenmont.
I ordered my pizza 46 minutes ago.
If you canceled my order,
I want you to know I'm not related
to Santina Garcia.
I like typos on menus.
It's on its way.
Thanks.
Take that, Mom.
Hey, Ash. How was the study session?
Great. Tad will do fine.
Okay, what's the matter?
Did he try something with you?
No, I wanted him to,
but I'm gonna die unkissed.
I'm an epic geek, and I'll always be one.
Ash, that's so not true.
Then why else would he not want
to kiss me?
My niece is coming to tutor you.
Try anything with her,
I'll tear your head off
and kick it through the uprights.
Got it, Coach.
We'll never know, so hey, let's move on.
You didn't say anything to Tad, did you?
Tad? No.
Huh? Wait, which one's Tad?
I can't believe you, tío.
What did you say to him?
Did you threaten him?
Why are we bringing up the past?
[cell phone ringing]
It's my mom.
We're not done here, tío Victor!
Hi, Mom.
Why'd you hang up on me earlier?
Did I?
You know the rules, Ashley.
-If you're hiding something--
-[doorbell rings]
She's not hiding anything, sis.
But if you are,
I'm on the next plane out there.
Daddio's Pizza.
Ashley! Did you order Daddio's Pizza?
No.
We didn't order that.
See? We're not hiding anything.
We're open books. Ask me anything.
What's up with you two?
[both] Nothing.
[woman]
Victor, are you coming back upstairs?
Who was that?
-Ghost!
-Ghost?
[Victor screams]
He just saw the ghost.
Oh, Ashley.
The rules were
that we would all be completely honest
with one another.
I'm catching the next flight to LA
to bring you back home,
so you might as well tell me everything
that you and tío Victor have been up to.
It's time for the truth!
Where are you, Mom?
In Cambridge.
Then how come the shadows
on your face are so short?
The latitude and longitude of Cambridge
is 42 degrees north and 71 degrees west,
and out here it's 34 degrees north.
Even when we factor in
the time difference,
the shadows in Cambridge
are twice the size
of wherever you're standing now.
The point is, Mom, you're lying to me!
The point is
tío Victor has strange women coming over.
And if the Daddio's Pizza deliveryman went
to the wrong address,
then why did he leave his pizza
at tío Victor's house?
Mom, are you outside?
She's out there.
Next to a rented Camry.
Get in here, Mom.
Fine.
Do you think
your friend upstairs is presentable?
For the first time in my life, I hope so.
So, time for the truth, Mom?
I didn't see
that longitude/latitude thing coming.
My abuelo told me my PhD
in sociology would be useless.
But that doesn't change the fact
this experiment is over.
Mom, part of giving me a chance
to come live out here was trusting me.
-You said you would, and you didn't.
-Yeah, you tell her, Ashley.
-And you didn't, either!
-Say what?
You are both controlling and dishonest.
You were controlling?
I'm impressed.
Ash...
not trusting you was a big mistake.
I messed up. I hope you'll forgive me.
I don't know what else to say.
Thank you. Your apology said it all.
It says nothing! What happened?
What happened was tío Victor
just apologized for being overprotective
and for not trusting me.
Please, Mom. From the time I was nine,
all I've done is study.
This is my chance
to finally be a kid, too.
I just want a little balance,
but I'll never get that without trust.
Can you please trust me?
Tomorrow there's a flight back home
that I've made reservations for.
I've got two tickets.
I'll only be using one of them.
You can stay.
Thank you, Mom.
Ah, I flew Spirit.
The tickets were dirt cheap.
Oh, my goodness.
This all worked out perfect.
Victor, I just finished assembling
your new bed upstairs.
Your niece's bed
will be delivered tomorrow.
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much...
Alexandra.
You two seem to be getting along
really well.
I don't like it.
Ash, I'm sorry I bailed on you yesterday.
I was a bad Yoda.
I was a bad Luke.
How'd the tutoring go?
I tried to kiss Tad.
Ooh!
But he was horrified.
Oh.
But I think it's
because my uncle sabotaged me.
I don't have an "ooh" for that.
Hey, Ash. I never got your contact info.
Are you on Instagram?
Yeah, I'm on Instagram all the time.
Great. I'll follow you.
Got you covered. Just signed you up.
[theme music playing]