The Emperor's New School (2006–2008): Season 2, Episode 30 - Cornivale - full transcript

Happy corn!

That's right.
This weekend is Cornivale.

The whole family gets together
and eats corn.

Between you and me,
I find the whole thing,
um, corny.

Theme music!

(♪ "Emperor's New School"
theme)

♪ He's on his way to the throne
He's on his way to success

♪ But he has to go to school
He's got to ace that test!

♪ He's an emperor-to-be
And he's totally...

You know,
it's all about me.

Exactly!
♪ Let's go!



♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy

♪ He's got to learn his ABCs

♪ They'll try to stop him!
To top him!

To destroy him, right?
Uhhhhhhh...

♪ K-U-Z-C-O
Kuzco! Kuzco!
Go! Go!

♪ He's got the cool,
he's got the charm
and the looks

♪ And a hottie
that can help him read

♪ The thing called books!
♪ Let's go!

♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy

♪ Come on, Kuzco!
♪ Got to fulfill his destiny

♪ His friends are loyal,
it's royal

♪ They'll help
against the foil!

Friends? I thought
this was all about me.

Ha-ha.
Spell my name again.



♪ K-U-Z-C-O
Kuzco! Kuzco!
Go! Go! ♪

Oh, I can't believe it's
Cornivale weekend again!

But Cornivale is so...
corny.

You already said that.
Right before the theme music.

I mean, last year I had to
dress up in a stupid tie,

watch Pacha McEats-a-lot stuff
his face with cornbread,

listen to smelly relatives
blabbity-blab boring stories
not about me,

and eat at the kids' table.

Besides, these people aren't
my real family anyway.

Pacha and Chicha care
about you, Kuzco.

Deal with it.
Oh, I plan to.

As in this year,
I'm going to...

beautiful Machu Beachu!

Yay! Surf's up.
That's me on top.

Ohh, me likey that hot tub.

Par-tay with no fami-lay!

Won't they notice
you're gone?

Yes, I am the life
of any party.

But I've got a plan.

What? You're gonna make up
some stupid fake-o illness

so you don't have to attend?

No.

OK, yes.

But this one's not stupid.
I call it -

The "silent-don't-come-
in-your-room -all-weekend" flu?

It's very quiet
and very catchy.

It sounds fake-o
and made-up.

Did I mention the
"give-the-nosy-kids-candy-

so-they-keep-their-big-
little-mouths-shut"
side effect?

Sounds serious.
We'll tell Mom and Dad
to stay out of your room.

It's Machu Beachu time!

Pull the lever, Kronk!

Yay! Corn!

(gasps)With butter.

(announcer) In celebration of
Cornivale, we've redecorated!

Enjoy the ride.

I've got the perfect plan to
party-poop Kuzco's Cornivale.

First, I turn Kuzco
into an anteater.

Then I feed him an army
of chocolate-covered ants,

until he's big and fat.

It's cornytastic!

How can it be cornytastic?
It didn't have anything
to do with corn.

Huh?

I mean,
it was all about ants.

It was an ant plan.
It was "antastic."

Fine. Plan C...
for "corn."

First, you, Kronk,
will disguise yourself as...

Pacha's aunt!

The dumdum peasants will accept
you as one of their own.

Then, at Cornivale dinner,
you potion Kuzco's corn cob...

turning Kuzco into a corn cob!

It's cornytastic!

One problem.
What?

It was a corn-themed plan.

You said I could take the
weekend off for Cornivale.

Impossible! I would never,
ever, ever say that.

Perhaps we should
rewind to last week.

Yzma, can I take off
next weekend for Cornivale?

Yes, yes. Whatever.

You sure?
You're not gonna say

you would never, ever,
ever say that, are you?

I would never, ever, ever say
I would never, never, ever say
that.

Grrr!

Aah!

Yay! Popcorn!

Now what am I supposed
to do?

(gulps)

What about plan B?
What happened to plan B?

Oh, it's the exact same
plan as C,

except I would be
Pacha's aunt

and do everything I was
going to have you do.

That should work.
(crunches)

Corn?

And now to get me a first-class
pass to Machu Beachu.

What do you mean
all the flights
are cancelled?

Nobody's invented
airplanes yet.

What do you mean there
are no more llamasines?

All booked.
I've got a turtle-cycle.

Yeah. I'd like to
get there this year.

What do you mean a thousand
Kuzcoins for a cab?

With all the flights canceled,
they're in high demand.

Ohh! Now I'm never gonna
get to Machu Beachu.

Hey, I'll take you, buddy.

(flies buzzing)

Ooh. Uh... no, thanks.

Holiday special -
it's free!

(sound of cash register
ringing)
You're hired!

Hey, you wanna hear a joke?

No.
It's funny.

No, it's not.
And if I wanted to talky
with strangers,

I could have stayed home.
So no talky, more you-pull-me.

OK? Giddyup!

Yah! Mush!

(knock on door)

Grandpa Nabo!
Chicha!

So good to see you.

Lortilla.
Happy Cornivale!

Oh, same to you.

Kids! Well, you've
gotten so big!

And you are...?

It's me!
You.

Aunt Chapa!
On the cousins' side.

Once removed.
Uh, twice perhaps.

Uh, I-I don't -

Oh, I simply had to spend
Cornivale Eve

with the long-lost family
I love so dearly.

Where are...
(stammers)

...Taco and Cheese Sauce?

Tipo and Chaca?

I remember
when you were born.

Well, uh, kids,
this is your Aunt Chapa.

She's related to us.
Somehow.

How old are you? 18?

Oh, kids today grow so slowly.

And now, the oldest boy...
where is he?

You mean Kuzco?
He's sick in bed.

Poor thing.
May I take a peek
at the little dear?

Hard to see him
from so far away.

Perhaps I should get
a closer look.

Bad cold!
Go away!

(squawks)Bad cold!
Go away!

You heard him.
Let's let Kuzco get
some rest, huh?

(nervous chuckle)

Oh!

Hey!

Watch it, pal.
Precious salty,
fatty meat mug.

(grunting)

Come on!

Can we get going
before we're trampled
by a stampede of snails?

(Cabbie grunting)
Why couldn't you go on a diet?

(whimpers)

Ahh!

Is it too late
to take the long-cut?

(both screaming)

(crash)

Phew. That was close.

I can fix it.

No, I can't.

I bet you didn't think
you'd spend your holiday
away from your family

in the middle of nowhere
with a complete
stranger, did ya?

Nooo!

..ooo!

Wow! You screamed
through the whole break.

Mm. Yeah, well,
it's an acquired skill.

Hey, haven't you fixed
the "you-pull-me" thing yet?

Ah, the steering wheel's
busted.

There is no steering wheel.
You're the steering wheel.

OK, relax.
I'm workin' on it.

No, you're not.
You're telling me
you're working on it.

That's not working on it.
That's talky.

And Kuzco commands:
No talky.

OK.

(♪ whistles)

And no whistle-y.

♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

No "do-do-do-do-y"!

♪ Fix, fix, fix
the cart -

No singy to "Row, Row Boaty."

Would you please stop
telling me what to do?

I'm the customer!

You're stuck in the jungle!

Because you took a shortcut!

'Cause you were
in such a hurry

to be with your family
in Machu Beachu.

I don't even have a family!

No family? That's the saddest
thing I've ever heard.

Not as sad as the sound of
you not fixing the you-pull-me
thing!

Wanna hear my joke now?

No! No jokey!
Just worky!

(bird caws)

What's that?

(leaves rustling)

What's what?

Hoy-cha! Kuz-ca!

Hide!

(leaves rustling)

Probably just thieves.
Thieves?

You know.
People who take stuff.

Robbers, crooks,
muggers. I got more.

Shh!

So, no family, huh?

Shh!

I have a big family.
Shh!

Big, big,
biggety big-big.

Stop talking like me!

Aha!
Yah!

Cabbie!

Rundi, good to see ya!

Still lookin' like
a catfish, huh?

Ha-ha! Long time, no see.

Can I get you a lure?
Huh?

Looks like you need
a new steering wheel.

(both laughing)

Yeah, yeah.
Ha-hee-ha-ho-ho.

Unless Laughing Boy here
happens to be the jungle's
finest rickshaw repair man,

we're wasting time.

Ha! Is this guy the jungle's
finest rickshaw repair man,
or what?

Yeah, yeah, blahbity-blah.
Let's get going.

(chuckles)

Kuzco won't even know
he's turned into a corn cob

until Pacha's
about to eat him!

Aunt Chapa?

Aah!

Aunt Chapa, read us
a bedtime story?

Can't you just
cry yourself to sleep?

Please?

Oh, all right.
Let's get it over with.

Let's see... Uh...

A long, long, time ago,

there lived a little purple
dinosaur named, um, Yz-saur.

She was smarter and prettier
than the other dinosaurs
her age,

who were clearly jealous
and would not play with her.

Holiday time was most
difficult for Yz-saur.

She was all alone.
She had no family,

and because she was always
working on evil potions,

she never got invited
to friends' houses,

which is probably why
she had no friends,

which she didn't, so don't ask
and just go to sleep.

The end.

That was pitiful.

She doesn't make friends
at the end?

Or learn a lesson?

Well, life's unfair,
isn't it? Good night.

Wait.
Tell us a happy story.

Yeah, you can think
of something happy.

Fine.

What's that story Kronk's
always muttering to himself?

Ah. There once was
a bouncy sloth named
Bouncy.

Bouncy was, uh...
the bounciest sloth

in a family of big,
bouncy, bouncing sloths
from Bounceville.

(snoring)

(Cabbie)You know, you
really should've said
thank you to Rundi

for fixing the rickshaw.

Yeah, you know,
you really should thank me

for not walking off
and leaving you
without a customer.

Yeah. Good thou-
You wanna hear my joke?

No, I'd love not
to hear your joke.

(branches crunching)
What's that?

Ah, could be thieves.
We're overdue
for some thievin'.

Aah!

OK, before I show you
what scared me,

remember, I was tired
and creeped out.

So don't laugh.

And I'd say I was more
startled, really, than scared.

Aah!

Boo!

Swindler!
How are ya?

(giggles)I'm just fine.

I hope I didn't scare
your friend.

Me? Scared? Nah.

Listen up,
sweet ol' granny-type.

I'm the exact opposite
of scared. I'm anti-scared.

Call me Señor No Scare-o.
It's like I said,

"Take me to Unscaryville,"
and he brought me here.

Oh, that's nice.

I so hate to frighten people
when I'm robbing them.

When you're what?

Yeah. I should've known
she'd do that again.

Again? You know her?

Ha. Swindler the Thief.

She has the words "swindle"
and "thief" in her name,

and you didn't
see that coming?

Oh, yeah, but she's not so bad
once you get to know her.

You see, she and I have
this ongoing "thing" -

I come down this path,
and she robs me.

That's your "thing"?

Which is why I started

keeping some spare clothes
hidden right in here.

Kuzco, wait up! Oh!

If you really want
the pink one...

You know what? I'm just gonna
walk the rest of the way.

Aunt Chapa! I found a corn
I can make a scary face on!

Grrr!

Grrr!

(chuckles)

(laughs)Cute kiddos.

Kronk!
What are you doing here?

You'll blow my disguise!

Sorry, lady. I'm not supposed
to talk to strangers.

Aunt Chapa,
would this be a good one

for making a corn necklace?

Oh, you would look beautiful
with any ear of corn, dear.

You fool!
Can't you see it's me, Yzma?

Impossible.

Yzma is purple and unfeeling,

with a dark, purple heart
and purple ice in her veins,

who would never be
kind to children.

And she's purple.

Believe me now?

Yzma!

Hey, I was just talking about
you with this, uh, nice lady.

Shh! Don't call me Yzma.

I'm Aunt Chapa, remember?

You are...
kindly Aunt Chapa?

Right!

Uh, something tells me
you're mad at me.

That something is my mouth.

And it's telling you
to hasta-la-go-go.

Hey, what did I do?

Nearly did us in,
got us robbed,

gave me the little poncho,
and now we're lost.

We're not lost.
We're on the road.

(singsong)
Missing the point.

And I know a way we can
get us a ride outta here.

♪ Peasant class

♪ And royalty

♪ Sing together
a song of unity

♪ When we sing
we're all rich

♪ Shouldn't mix but we do

♪ Like two peas in a pod

♪ Don't you wish

♪ Like grape juice and glue
I'm normal, he's odd

♪ Is this friendship
so wrong?

♪ I think this song
goes on too long

Hmm.

♪ I'm just singin'
about a friend

♪ We're socially,
societally

♪ Will this song ever end?

♪ Financially

♪ That's putting it nicely

♪ Separated friends
until the end ♪

(cheers and applause)

(Kuzco) Ech.
I hope that's the end.

Ugh. I can't believe
I sang with you.

I can't believe
we got third prize.

Those little twin girls
cheated.

Yeah, but we won this llama,
didn't we?

Could you not do that thing
where you try to make this
seem not awful?

Sure.
(whispering)Thanks.

(Kuzco)Well, this is still
better than Cornivale.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

(Kuzco)But you have
a big family. I thought
you liked Cornivale.

Ah, are you kiddin'?
All those relatives?

Seriously.
No, thank you.

No. Thankyou.

Back home, they're probably
decorating their cobs
right now.

Yeah. That's why I'm glad
I'm right here.

You said it.

I mean, first they make
the biggest fuss
out of picking the corn.

And then they decorate it.
(scoffs) What's the point?

"Ooh, your corn is so corny."

"No, your corn
is the corniest."

(Cabbie)Yeah. "We all
love each other. Yay!"

(chuckles)It's like,
settle down already.

Yeah.

(Kuzco) Then they put it
on a little corn pyramid

and sing songs about...
guess what.

Corn!

Exactly.
(chuckles)Hey.

I thought I was the only one
who couldn't stand Cornivale.

Nah. Can't stand
that family stuff.

Maybe you and I have more
in common than we thought.

Maybe now is a good time
for my joke!

(gasps)Look!

Machu Beachu!

Time to par-tay!

Hello?

Hello, hot tub girls!

"Gone home for Cornivale"?

Introducing the gentleman
you've been waiting for...

"Gone home for Cornivale"?

Yeah, this'll work.
A little peace and quiet.

No party girls...
or girls in pretty dresses

making a lot of girl noise
about how great some party is.

(chuckles)Yeah.

Hey! Waiter guy!
Is this place really dead,

or are your friends
playing a prank on you

to see how you react
when the hotel's empty

except for
one really cool guy?

You are aware that it's
Cornivale weekend, sir?

Yeah, that's why I'm here.

To get away from all that
corny family cornball corn.

So, where are
the other cool people?

Home. With their families.

And I have my own family
to go home to, so...

the corn cob platter, sir.

Has this even been cooked?

I'll be leaving now, sir.
Will you and Cabbie lock up?

Uh, you know Cabbie?

We were in Junior Chipmunks
together.

By the way, um,
what's his real name?

Cabbie.

Convenient.

Anyway, he went back
to his family, I think.

Cabbie doesn't
have any family.

He doesn't?
But he told me that...

Oh. Poor Cabbie.

When Aunt Chapa first arrived,
I had my concerns.

But I must say she has become
one of my favorite relatives.

She's amazing.

And the kids seem
to love her.

Good corn. Thanks.

No problemo. Needed a break
from all the cha-cha-cha-ing.

Sure.

So.... not going back
to the family tonight?

Huh? Oh, oh, no, no, no.
Too long a drive.

They'll keep the leftovers
warm for me.

Right, right.

Say, uh,
what if I told you

I was thinking of heading back,
you know, to my family?

Think, uh...
think I could get a ride?

Sure.

(Cabbie)Uh, I thought
you were spending Cornivale
at Machu Beachu.

Well, you know,
the thing is,

I kinda got partied out,
if you can believe it.

Yeah. And I should really get
back to all my relatives,

and, you know, kick back with
some of that holiday corn.

Sure.

Now, you know I don't have
any money to pay you,

seeing as how you
got us both robbed.

So I figure you can keep
Mr. Third Prize here.

And I will definitely
recommend you to anybody
who needs a cabbie...

Cabbie.

Happy Cornivale.

Uh, yeah, right.
Happy Cornivale

and to all, a good kernel.

Howdy, family!
I am home!

Hey, you're feeling better.

Why'd you use
the front door?

This is our Aunt Chapa.

Come to Kuzco, Aunt Chapa!

Look at these beautiful,
festive corn cobs.

Hey, great work, gang.

I don't know who you people
are, but I'm hugging you.

This is what Cornivale
is all about!

(sighs)Be right back.

Cabbie! Cabbie!

You never told me
your joke.

Huh? Oh.

Ah, you don't want
to hear it.

Yeah. No, I do.

I gotta warn ya,
it's not very funny.

Try me.
Well...

Why did the chicken
cross the road?

(crickets chirping)

To stay away
from a guy named Cabbie,

who didn't really
have a family,

no one to be with
on Cornivale,

whose only friends were
the people he met
by giving rides.

Then the chicken got
to the other side.

(laughs)

Ooh! Other side.

(sighs)

Wait. That middle part
wasn't funny.

Told ya.
Then why do you
call it a joke?

The only way I can get
people to listen.

You are the saddest person
in the sad, sad history
of sadness.

Come on.
Let's go eat some corn.

(cackles)

(laughs)

Now I've really got Kuzco.

He'll turn into a corn cob,

and that big fellow Pacha
will probably eat him.

Who wants corn cobs?

Mm-mm-mm! I've been waiting
all year for this.

Who's that?

This is Cabbie.

He doesn't have a family,
so I invited him to join us.

Anybody wanna hear a joke?

Whoa, Cabbie, not now.

You invited a guest?

That's very un-Kuzco
of you, Kuzco.

Hey, it's Cornivale.

Ah! I can't do it!

Oopsies! My bad.

Ooh, the corn!

Oh, no!
Cornivale is ruined!

Now, Tipo,
it's not ruined.

It was an accident.

Oh, I don't know
what came over me.

I promise it won't happen
next year...

if I'm invited back.

Because I really like
spending the holidays here.

(gasps)Yzma?

Oops.

Listen, Yzma,
this is Cornivale,
and it's family only.

And invited guests.

What if she promises
to be nice?

She can't be nice.

But... I'll try.
Just for one night?

Then I'll go back to being
my wretched, evil self.

Come on, Pach.
If I can do it,
you can do it.

Besides, Yzma nice
for a whole night?

That's something I gotta see.

Maybe it's the corn talking,
but I gotta say

this beats the
microwave-it-yourself holidays
I'd be having otherwise.

Plus, the entertainment -
way better here.

I hate the kids' table.

Hey, since Yzma
was sort of "nice"

in parts of today's show,

let's use this time to remember
what she's really like.

So here now are
"Yzma's Greatest Hits."

(Yzma) Aarghh! I've got it!

A brilliant plan to get rid
of Kuzco once and for all.

Kronk! Kronk!

Kronk! Kronk!

This is terrible!