The Emperor's New School (2006–2008): Season 2, Episode 25 - Kronk the Magnificent/Kamp Kuzco - full transcript

[I- Kronk the Magnificent] When a giant Kuzco statue annoys the Royal record-keeper, enough to doctor the books to popular Kronk's advantage, imperial candidates Kuzko and Yzma have to team up. [II- Kamp Kuzco] As the Kuzco Academy programs a jungle scouting day, Kuzco and Malina captain boys viz. girls teams. Their cocky bravery contest is turned into a real ordeal by Yzma's traps, which prove unsafe even for her.

To introduce today's
theme music,

here's my new best friend.

I'm not doing it.
Come on.

For your new best friend?
I'm not your friend!

You're right.
Theme music!

(♪ "Emperor's New School"

♪ He's on his way to the throne
He's on his way to success

♪ But he has to go to school
He's got to ace that test!

♪ He's an emperor-to-be
And he's totally...

You know,
it's all about me.

♪ Let's go!

♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy

♪ He's got to learn his ABCs

♪ They'll try to stop him!
To top him!

To destroy him, right?

♪ K-U-Z-C-O
Kuzco! Kuzco!
Go! Go!

♪ He's got the cool,
he's got the charm
and the looks

♪ And a hottie
that can help him read

♪ The thing called books!
♪ Let's go!

♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy

♪ Come on, Kuzco!
♪ Got to fulfill his destiny

♪ His friends are loyal,
it's royal

♪ They'll help
against the foil!

Friends? I thought
this was all about me.

Spell my name again.

♪ K-U-Z-C-O
Kuzco! Kuzco!
Go! Go! ♪

Oh! Ha-ha-ha!
I've finally done it!

A plan so evil,
Kuzco will be done in
once and for all!

Crank the kronk, Crank!


I mean,
kronk the crank, Krink!

Oh! Oh, just turn
the thingy!

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So, what's this Kronk Krank
do exactly?

We're making the Royal Record
Keeper want to remove Kuzco

from the Royal Records
so I can become empress.

Oh! Weren't you
listening yesterday?

In order for
the Royal Record Keeper

to remove Kuzco
from the royal records...

(nonsensical chatter)


Ha-ha! It's brilliant!

Yeah, I was listening.
I just missed that one part.

Which part?
The whole thing part.

One more time.

First, you put a piranha in the
Royal Record Keeper's hot tub.

Then you placed a gift card
on his night stand saying,

"Hope you like the piranha.
Love, Kuzco."

Then you ate all the cashews

from the Royal Record Keeper's
nut mix

and left another
gift card saying,

"Thanks for the cashews.
Love, Kuzco."

Now, we drop
a giant Kuzco bust

on top of the Royal
Record Keeper's hut,

he blames Kuzco,
wipes him from the records,

and I become empress!

Good riddance, Kuzco!

Yeah. Did you check
to make sure

the Royal Record Keeper
wasn't home

before dropping a bust
on his hut?


(rings doorbell)

Mr. Royal Record Keep...


My house!

The piranha,
the cashew nuts,

and now... and now this!

It's enough
to make me want to

wipe Kuzco's name
from the royal records!

Kronk, what are
you doing here?

I, uhh...

I came to rebuild your hut!

This is my new hut?

Yeah. I, uh,
added a porch.

And a den.

And a second story.

And so we dedicate this day

Kronk-Rebuilt-My-Hut Day!

(villagers cheer)

Wow. We're, like, way
into the show and no me.

But sit tight, Kuzco Fans -

I'm about to make
my big entrance.


Hey, what's going on?

That was great!
Wanna see it again?

I do.

Hey, what's going on?

I'm thinkin'
Best Actor award.

Kuzco! There you are.

(villagers boo)

What? I didn't drop that
big bust of me on his hut.

Well, who else would
have a big bust of you?

Please, let's not bicker
about who dropped what on who.

I'm just glad I could
help you all out,

the good people
of this village.

So, if there's ever anything
anyone needs, you just ask.

I need help moving.
I need a ride
to the airport.

Our band needs a new drummer.

Wow. Didn't think anyone would
take me up on it, but...

OK, I'll do it!


Kronk! Kronk! Kronk!


Hey, Yzma. How 'bout
those villagers?

Good folk.

Oh, heh-heh!
It's working!

And soon I'll be empress.
Now, come.

There's a party to plan.
We'll need a mix CD,

and you will plan
the coronation dinner.

Sorry, no can do.
Should've booked me sooner.

The villagers need me.

But my recipe box
is in the lab.

I recommend a potato parfait
with sweet corn sauce.

Did you pack everything?

Got everything.

Oh, sure, remember the goldfish
and the stinky old sofa,

but don't remember me.

I'm just Grandma,
that's all.

(recorded voice) The white zone
is for llama feeding only.

I'm just no good
at goodbyes.

(♪ rock)


(both)The key to the village?

Hey, stop agreeing
with me.

I would never agree
with you.

Good, because anything you said,
I would never agree with.

I agree.
Me too.

And so I propose

Kuzco's name be wiped
from the royal records

and Kronk be named emperor.

You can't do that.

Not without holding
a secret meeting

issued by secret memo
to every secret council member.

But we're the only
two members.

Secret council members,
cast your secret vote now!

What'd you get?

It's unanimous!

We change the royal records
tomorrow! Ohh!

Let's go get a pizza.

They're changing
the royal records?

Oh, hey, Yzma.
You here because of
the secret meeting?

Actually, I'm hanging
tapestries like this
in my crocodile pit,

and I wanted to see
if they were large enough
to hide behind.

Kronk can't become emperor!

'Cause then after I graduate,
we'd have two emperors!

No, you fool.
It means we've got
to get rid of Kronk.

We? As in we we?

Oui, oui!
That's French for "yes, yes."

You and I must team up.

Otherwise we'll just get
into each other's hair.

Yeah, and me no likely
the old lady hair.

To the secret lab!

The secret lab's OK,

but the food there stinks.

I was thinking we'd go
to Mudka's and you'd buy.

Fine. But we have to wear
lab coats and goggles.

Mmm... deal.
To Mudka's Express #12!

Now, I've got
the perfect plan to -

(slurps noisily)
I've got the perfect -

I've got -

(stops slurping)

I've -
(slurps noisily)


Do you want to
hear my plan or not?


Mm... hmm... hmm...


Good. Now -


Isn't the red-on-black
goggle thing sort of done?

How about turquoise?

Ooh, turquoise.

First, we steal Kronk's recipe
for spinach puffs.

Then we potion Kronk,

turning him into
a giant head of spinach.

Next, we bake him into
the world's largest puff!

Finally, we enter
the County Fair Puff-Off,

take first prize

and win a trip for two
to Machu Beachu,

where I can even out my tan.

Ew. Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa.

This is not a plan
to destroy me, remember?

So, here's what
we'll really do.

It's time for--

Isn't that doodling thing
a bit done?

No way. It's the hottest thing
in television.

All the good shows
are doin' doodles.

OK. Doodle!

It's time for
"Kuzco's Doodles,"

where I demonstrate my

First, we throw me
a big party

and invite lots of


Next, we jump in the bounce
house for hours,

working up a big thirst.

Then, we get drinks
from the meat mug fountain

as more hottie-hot-hotties
arrive. The end.

The end?

After a party like that,
I'll forget all about -

uh, what's the guy's
name again?

See? It's workin' already.

It's all too complicated.
We need something simple.

To get rid of Kronk,
we simply get him to drink

this potion!

What-what do you mean,
"Drink a potion"?

Ugh! Like this!

Yeah, it's not workin'
for me.

Or instead, we get Kronk
to snap this vine

and fall into a trap.

(wild cat growls)

Or break this pinata.


Or wash this elephant.

(elephant trumpets)

Or stand on this bull's-eye.


Ooh. Sorry none of
those plans worked.

At least you got to
be a monkey queen.

I'm going with a new plan,

which is exactly
the old plan.

Except instead of
dropping a Kuzco bust,

we drop a Kronk bust!

Wait. You're just crushing
a villager's hut

for your own selfish gain.

Yes. And yours.

Wow. When I do something
selfish like that, it's funny.

But when you do it,
it's evil.

I'm not so sure this you-me-
oui-ouithing is for me.

What do you mean?
It's "win-win."

Tell you what.
Let's be enemies again.

But can you give me
a five-minute head start

before dropping
the big Kronk bust?

Oh, all right.

I'm, uh, still not clear

on why you wanted
to measure my head.

Kronk, you're gonna
be the new emperor,

and you'll need a crown.

A crown?
On my head?

You mean a crown
to wear on my head

as if I were
emperor of everything?

Me? Emperor?

Kronk! Kronk! Kronk!

Kronk! Kronk! Kronk!
Kronk! Kronk!

No. No, I'm not your guy.

I'm a lovable sidekick.

I'm not the leading-man type.
That's Kuzco's thing.

Hey, Kronk, I'm...

I'm here to...
to save you...

and the Royal...
Record Keeper.

You see?

Kuzco's here to save us.

That's very emperor-y.

And just what are you here
to save us from, Kuzco?

(loud whistling noise)

A loud whistling noise?

No! Yzma!
I'm here to save you from -

(loud crash)


Now who wants Kronk
to be emperor, hmm?

He just dropped a bust
of himself

on the Royal
Record Keeper's hut!

(laughs maniacally)

That's not my hut, Yzma.
(chuckling)It's yours.


Yzma was trying to drop
a Kronk bust on my hut.

And Kuzco came to save you!

Kuzco! Kuzco!
Kuzco! Kuzco!

Kuzco! Kuzco!

I suppose now Kuzco's name

won't be wiped
from the royal records?

Sorry, no.
Thanks for playing, Yzma.

Better luck next episode.

Welcome, Kamp Kuzco counselors,
to Kamp Kuzco.

I'm counselor Kronk,
here to assist you

in the counseling
of your young campers.

Any questions?

Uh, yeah.
When is camp over?

And what's that funny smell?

It's called fresh air.

That can't be good for you.
Do I have to be
paired with him?

Well, who else is
gonna protect you
from the Pine Tree Monsters?

You need a big,
burly outdoorsman.

(laughs) You'regoing
to protectme?

Well, we are outdoors,
and I am a man.

Ahh! Get it off me!
Devil bug!

Tiny vampire!
Bat creature!

Get it off!
Get it off!
Get it off!

Need I say more?
No. You don't.

OK, gang,
important safety tip:

watch out for poison ivy.

Remember: "Leaves of three,
let it be."

Poor, naive Malina.

(chuckles)You are
walking proof

that the ladies don't belong
in the wilderness.

Hey! Not cool, Kuzco!

Yeah. We're just as
capable as any boy.

Aw, that's cute, girls,

but there is no way
you can compete

with the mad skills of these
little burly outdoorsmen.

What mad skills
do we have again?

I like marshmallows.

My sunburn itches.

Care to retract any of
your insultingly chauvinistic
statements, Kuzco?

Big words won't save you
from the Pine Tree Monsters.

Let's try some short words:
My boys.

Your girls. Race!

Race? Bring it on.

Oh, I will.


Does, uh, this count
as a date?


The rules to the Kamp Kuzco
cross-country race

are as follows:

First team to finish wins.
Yeah, yeah, we know
what a race is.

Why are the boys
in tuxedoes?

I wanted 'em lookin' cool for
the victory party afterwards.

Ready, set...

(blows whistle)

Excuse me. I have to use
the little emperors' room.

Uhn-uh. No way, Kuzco.

You're staying right here
where I can make sure
you don't cheat.

But I really,
really have to go!

If you don't trust me,
you can come with me.

Gag. Gross. Go.


The old bathroom trick
never fails.

(♪ peaceful music)

(♪ ominous music)

Commence Operation
"Cheat at the Race."

(girls giggling)

We go that way?

Kronk said
to follow the signs.

The arrow says go
that way!

That's my boys.
Do me proud.


Oh, no. The arrow!
Which way do I go?

I'm lost!

I'm lost!


I can't be lost.
Come on, Kuzco, reach inside

and let that burly, outdoorsman
sense of direction guide you.

(♪ peaceful music)

(♪ ominous music)

Got it!

Yeah! We win!
Yeah! We win!

Yes! I knew we
could do it!

Shouldn't your girls
have been back by now?

Yeah. I smell
a stupid Kuzco stunt.

(sniffs deeply)

Or I, uh, stepped
in another llama pie.


Nope. Kuzco stunt.

We should've found the camp
by now.

Something's wrong.

(Kuzco)♪ Kuzco's team
gonna win the race

♪ Do-dah, do-dah

And here comes
that something now.
♪ Rub it in Malina's face

♪ Oh, do-do-dah - ♪

♪ Oh do-do-dah - ♪

You guys.
You're here?

Nothing escapes
your keen eye.

Yeah, b-b-but if you're here,
then that means...

(gasps)I'm where you are!

How could my natural
burly outdoorsman

sense of direction
let me down?

Get a grip, Kuzco.

No touchy.

OK, according to my compass,
north is -

Gah! This is no time for
witchcraft and sorcery!

I have a better solution.
One based on science.

Everyone knows these
buzzing things love honey.

Now, it just so happens
that tonight, for dinner,

I ordered
a honey-glazed ham.

All we need to do is wake up
these funny, funny buzz things

and follow them to camp.

Buzz, buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz.

Oh, buzz, buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz.

Kuzco, you shouldn't
do that!

Now, I can do this, because
I'm super cool and on TV,

but if you see one of these
in your backyard,

"bee" very careful.

You might fall off a cliff.

Yep, this gets 'em good
and hungry for ham.


(all screaming)

At least we got away from
those funny buzzing flies.

More ham for me.


(♪ Muzak)

These chips are delicious!

I've got it!
Kuzco's away at camp.

No one to protect him.
No one to suspect me.

What better place
to destroy him?

(laughs maniacally)

(laughs weakly)


I miss Kronk.

He cheated.

He moved the sign
so the boys would
win the race.

Thus leading himself down

the dark and narrow path
of the wrongdoer,

rather than the wide-open
and easy path of the just.


Let's just say I know
a thing or two

about the wrong path.

Now, let's go find
those kids!

We're not going to make it
back to camp by sundown,
are we?

We'll be OK as long
as we remember
our survival training.

First priority:
ration our food and water.

(loud belch)

Whoo! It wasn't easy,
but I drank the whole thing.


Listen to the water
sloshy-slosh around
in my tummy.

Kuzco! That's all
the water we had!

Well, I had to wash down that
nasty stuff with something.

Yuck. Now I know why
they call it trail mix.

(smacks)Tastes like a trail.



Yeah, he saw
the whole thing.

They fell off the cliff,
bounced off a tree

and flew deeper
into the jungle.

As mad as I am at Kuzco,
I blame myself.

It was my responsibility
to look after those girls.




I need your help.

Here's my plan to get rid
of Kuzco for good.

First, we set up
a big-top tent,

then put up posters
that say "Free circus."

Next I take a potion and turn
into a bear wearing a tutu.

Kuzco shows up
and thinks I'm so funny,

he laughs until he goes



Wouldn't it be easier just to
turn into a man-eating bear?

I mean, we are in the woods.

The whole circus thing
seems unnecessary.

OK, fine.
If you want to dumb it down.

We'd better find
a place to sleep.

Ah, great idea.

But I won't stay in anything
less than a four-star.

Good, because the place
you'll be sleeping
has over a million stars.

We're sleeping outside.

What? That's crazy talk!
What am I supposed to
sleep on?

The ground.

Other little girl.

And other
other little girl.

You gotta save me.
Please save me.

What? Stunned into silence
by my totally moving speech?

No. That!


Do your worst, bear,
but I'll never let you
hurt these girls!


Did what I could.
See ya.

(girlish shriek)

I know that girly cry

Um... Sounds like
a circus bear attack!

I better stay here.

No! I'm too cute to eat!



You want Kuzco, you're
gonna have to go through me.

Great plan!
Go with that. Bye!

Bring it on, tutu bear!




Ohh, I feel...

pretty good!

I gotta get out for a jog
more often.

Wait a minute!

With my busy schedule?
When can I jog?

Hmm. I left Malina
and those girls

to fight that nasty bear
all by themselves.

What kind of big, burly
outdoorsman does that?


I was going for a rock,
but this is even better.

Hang on, fragile little girls!

Outdoorsman Kuzco is coming!


Wow. That was easy.


Hoo-ha! Yah! Hoo!

Kuzco, what are you doing?

Saving you.
You wouldn't know this
because you're a girly girl,

but bears hate fish!

Yeah. Why do you think
they're always biting 'em?


Kuzco. Bears love fish.

That's why they're
always eating them.




What he said.
(girls scream)

Ahem. Uh, pardon me.

I seem to be in need
of a small favor!


Um, uh, why are you looking
at me like that?

OK. So, let's review:

I - a softy, tender girl -

saved you - a big, burly
outdoorsman - from a bear.


I let you fight the bear
to increase your confidence.

No need to thank me.

Oh! OK.


That's what I thought.


Um... I'm sure as bears go,
you're quite attractive.


I-I'm flattered, really.
I am.

But I just don't think
this will work out.





Oh, dear.