The Emperor's New School (2006–2008): Season 2, Episode 21 - Malina's Big Break/Hotel Kuzco - full transcript

[I - Malina's Big Break] Malina becomes pathologically stressed about her interview for an internship with Teen Inca magazine. Only utter lazybones Kuzco might help her relax. The results are surprising. [II - Hotel Kuzco] Kuzco has found a trick to move into the palace: trick an inspector into declaring Pascha's home termite-infested. At first he refuses to let Pascha's family use a guest room, but when all town is declared unsanitary Malina makes him accommodate ever more rude, unwelcome guests. Truth-time?

Today's show is all about...

(slurps)

...relaxing.

Yeah. You don't wanna forget
the, uh... theme music.

♪ He's on his way
to the throne

♪ He's on his way to success

♪ But he has to go to school,
he's got to ace that test

♪ He's an emperor-to-be,
and he's totally...

You know,
it's all about me.

Exactly.
Let's go.

♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy
♪ Kuzco Academy



♪ He's got to learn
his A, B, Cs

♪ Don't try to stop him
and top him

To destroy him, right?
Uh...

♪ K-U-Z-C-O

♪ Kuzco, Kuzco,
go, go

♪ He's got the cool, he's got
the charm and the looks

♪ And a hottie
that can help him

♪ Read that thing called book
Let's go.

♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy
Come on, dude.

♪ He's got to fulfill
his destiny

♪ His friends are loyal,
it's royal

♪ They'll help
against the foil

Friends? I thought this
was all about me.

Heh-heh.
Spell my name again.



♪ K-U-Z-C-O

♪ Kuzco, Kuzco,
go, go ♪

(slurps)

Hey, Malina. Wanna worship
the sun and me?

No and never.

OK. Wanna worship the sun
with me?
No time, Kuzco.

I've just been offered
an interview
for an internship

at the hottest, hippest
magazine in the empire -

Incan Teen.

(gasps) Incan Teen?
Let's take the quiz
on boyfriend blues.

Oh, llama-inspired hairstyles.

Wow, that 'do
is definitely a don't.

You readIncan Teen?

Yeah, I'm a lifetime subscriber,
and you're a shoe-in
for the internship.

Aah! Spring shoes
are definitely in.
Ahem.

Excuse me, ladies.
Little less talky,
little more relaxy.

Unh.

Kronk, do you have any idea
how massively intense
the competition is?

OK, it's not enough
that I have outstanding grades,
high test scores,

and rock-solid references.

I also have to make
a good first impression,

which means
practice my handshake,
assemble a cool outfit

and come up with
an impressive follow-up.

Yeah. Oh, Top Ten Ways
To Whiten Teeth.

I like way number five -
marshmallows.

How about the Top Ten Ways
To Let An Emperor Sleep?

Uh, can't find that one.

Hey, guys, I've been
practicing my handshake.
Can I try it out?

Ooh, sorry.

Busy with my daily
skin-toning treatment.

(both)Umm...

Hey, guys. What do you think
of my super-professional

interview suit?
Duhh.

I think it's interrupting
my Kuzcyoga.

Mmm... me.

Hey, guys.

Malina, don't you have
that intern thing yet?

I couldn't decide
whether to follow up with
a gift basket

or a thank-you note, so...

I did a gift basket
of thank-you notes.
What do you think?

I think you're
completely stressed out,
and normally, I wouldn't care,

except you're stressing me out,
and me no likey stressy.

"Top three signs
you're a stress monster.

Number one -
inability to sleep."

Maybe you should go home
and take a nap.
I'm not tired.

"Number two - antisocial."

Or go get a meat mug
or something.
I don't feel like hanging out.

"Number three -
loss of hair."

Or get your hair done.
It's lookin' a little thin.

I'm not losing my hair.
Aah!

Malina, if you're gonna do
the shoe-in thing,

you better learn to relax.

Kronk's right. Relax
and have a little fun.

Just be yourself,
and you'll get the internship
of your dreams,

like the Kronkster did.
What internship
did you get?

Cabana boy!

So you guys think
I don't know how to relax
and have fun, huh?

Well, boys,
let's get to it.

Am I missing something?

We're gonna arrange
my sock drawer.
Can you stand it?

Oh, oh, oh, oh.
By size or by color?

By size and color
and by washed
versus dry-cleaned,

knee-high versus ankle,
rainbow versus argyle,

and toes versus non-toes.

Ta-da!

You're sick.
Huh?

Look at this place.

This isn't a room to relax
and have fun in.

Everything's all organizey.

Ooh, look. Perfectly
fluffy-fluffed pillow.

It's a perfectly centered,
tall... I'm not sure
what this thing is thingy.

And don't forget me,
Mr. Straighty-Straight Frame

with a picture of Malina
getting her 37th
Good Citizen Award.

There, much better.

(creaking)

(blows)

No touchy.

You know, Kuzco,
there's a difference between
relaxing and being lazy,

and you're just lazy.

Why aren't you out there
applying for an internship
like everyone else?

Oh, oh, that's right.

You don't have to
because when you graduate,
you're going back to the palace.

I'll have you know
I work very hard
at being lazy.

Thanks for helping me
rehearse my interview, Kronk.

I am totally relaxed,
so bring it on.

That's what you're wearing?
I didn't have time
to change.

You didn't have time
to change.

Well, we here atIncan Teen
make time to change.

It's all about managing time,
time management.

How can I hire an intern
who doesn't have time?

(stammers)I do have time.

You just said you didn't.
Make up your mind.

Speaking of make-up,
tell me about
anti-wrinkle creams.

I don't know anything
about anti-wrinkle creams.

You don't know anything
about anti-wrinkle creams.

It's a teen magazine.

Yzma began her regimen
at 14,

and a hundred years later,

she's showing a 5% decrease
in wrinkles.

What are you talking about?
You don't know
what I'm talking about?

A good reporter always knows
what people are talking about.

I am a good reporter, Kronk.
That's Mr. Kronk to you.

Mr. Kronkity Kronk Kronkmeyer,
Editor in Chief.

Name the magazine's
photographer!
Uh...

Last issue's cover model.
Well...

The lip gloss
on last issue's cover model.
Uh...

Peruvian Sunset?
Anhh!

Red-Hot Chili.

(stammers)Aah!

You're not really
totally relaxed,
are you, Malina?

What am I supposed to do?

Now it's time for
Malina's Doodles,
which aren't really doodles.

More an organizational tool

to figure out
what I'm supposed to do.

OK, this chart
shows how much stress

I've been feeling over time.

A little at first,
a little more,
then a little more,

a little more. Ow.

OK, start over.

I need a pie chart to show
how I organize my time

because now
I'm spending half my time
worrying about the interview,

a third of my time
worrying about
what I'm going to wear,

a quarter of my time worrying,
"What if I blow it?"

And another quarter worrying
that I'm worrying too much.

That's too much pie. Uhh.

OK, what I need
is a flow chart

to help me start
flowing, charting,

oh, and a pie chart
and a bar -

Oh, I need a pie-flow-bar chart
thing. Uhh.

Or I could just ask Kuzco
how to relax.

Well, since you've called me
lazy and hurt my feelings,

there's really only one way
I'll help you relax now.

What's that?
Go to the dance with me
Saturday night.

Kuzco...

(blows)

Huhh, fine.

So I just lie here
and don't do anything?

That's right.

(hyperventilates)
I couldn't do it.

I just couldn't do it.

Take a deep breath,
open your arms wide,
and say...(inhales)

(echoes)
I rule it all!

OK.(inhales)

(echoes)I rule it all!

You do know it's really me
that rules it all, right?

Uh, how is this relaxing?

You're surrounded
by relaxing images.

(inhales)Ah. I've got
my résumé scroll,

I'm calm and I'm ready
for the interview.

He said Saturday at noon
by the llama fountain.

Where is he?

Malina relaxy.
No stressy.

You know, it's
really nice of you
to wait with me Kuzco,

but don't you think
I should do this on my own?

Just making sure
you remain nice and calm,

and in case you forget
your lip gloss colors,
Kronk's got you covered.

Spring issue tells you
all five ways to cover
for a friend.

Hmm, he's six hours late.

I'm feeling
a little stressed here.

(Kuzco)
Imagine the hammock.

Still stressed.

Think of all
the me pictures.

Even more stressed.

Remember the mountaintop

and that I rule it all,
not you.

Aah. Ooh.

Gaah. Gaah. My résumé.
My hair.

Aw, forget it.
Just forget it.

He's not coming.

Probably heard
I'm the world's biggest
stress monster.

(♪ dance)

But isn't it convenient
that the dance
is right over there?

Come on, you, me,
Kuzcodance.

Oh, all right.

You coming, Kronk?

Yay, the Kuzcodance.

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Oww! Me likey
the new Malina groove.

Heh-heh. You may have taught me
about relaxing, Kuzco,

but if there's one thing
I learned reading

263 back issues
ofIncan Teen,

it's... I'm tired
ofIncan Teenmagazine!

Uh, Malina...

I mean, who cares about
the ten best ways
to not pick off a scab?

Don't you think
there's more to life than
horoscope horror stories?

Do I really need to know
five things I didn't know
about Dirk Brock?

Tell me, tell me,
tell me.
Malina, zippy lippy.

If stinkin'Incan Teen
magazine wants me,

then they're gonna have to
get their tardy butt
over here

and take me
just the way I am,

organized sock drawer
and all.

Well, I'm sorry
my butt was tardy.
Excuse me?

I'm Scoops Ultimo, Editor
ofIncan Teenmagazine.

Uh...

Oh, boy.

(crickets chirp/owl hoots)

Uh, redecorating?

Leave me alone.

I'm practicing my future

as a loser.

I can't believe
you put all this together
so quickly.

Yeah, I'm good, Kuzco,
even at failing.

(knock on door)

(sighs)What now?

You? It's the guy
fromIncan Teen.

Let me handle this.

Sorry, buddy, we're not buying
any magazine subscriptions.

Kuzco. Gaah,
sorry about that.

Malina, I didn't get
a chance to talk to you
before you ran off.

I just wanted to come by
and tell you how impressed
I am with you.

Uh, im-impressed?
But I slammed your magazine.

And that's a good thing.
It is?

Sure. We atIncan Teen
like Incan teens
who speak their mind,

as well as hang out
with their friends

and organize
their sock drawers.

By size, color, washed,
dry-cleaned, knee-high,
ankle, rainbow, argyle,

toes and non-toes.
It's staggering.

And between you and me,
Malina,

I'm a little sick
ofIncan Teenmyself.
You are?

I'm getting tired of the same

crushing-on-the-hottie
dating-my-best-friend stories.

Welcome
to theIncan Teenteam.

Kuzco, look.
My very first story
inIncan Teen.

"Top Five Ways To De-stress."

What? Where?
Page 52,
lower left-hand corner.

Right below the story
on teen nail fungus.

Wow, for the first time ever,
I was actually able to help you.

I rock. And I'm
devastatingly handsome.

Right, Cabana Kronk?

(makes wave-crashing sounds)

Right.

♪ You don't have to go outside

♪ And swim with villager bores

♪ 'Cause when
you're an emperor

♪ You have a lake indoors

Mm-hmm.

(doorbell rings)

Ach, now what?

Kuzco, what are you
doin' here?

Emperoring, baby.

Can I get ya anything?
Drink of water?

It's in a souvenir
me-shaped cup.

Let's get back
to why you're here.

Well, earlier today,
there was a little problem
at Casa de Pacha.

(hillbilly accent)
Termites?

Huge ones, hungry ones.
Look...

they ate a chunk of the house.

They ate the old,
stinky furniture.

They even ate
Chicha's cooking, and...

the termites ate Tipo.

They ate a child?

No, but they will
if you don't do something,
Mr. Termite Inspector.

Uh-huh. I should
talk to the homeowner.

Ooh, not here, but if you
just sign on this line,

then I'll be...

living in the palace again.

Why?

Royal rulebook, baby.

Emperor's gotta live somewhere
safey safe safe.

Termites equals not safe,
which means...

I get all this!

Heated floors,
vanilla-scented bathrobes,

chocolate mints
on my money-stuffed pillows.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Uh, why are you laughin'?
Nothin's funny.

I'm laughing
because I'm finally
going to crush Kuzco

in the most
delicious way.

Whoa, we're in the secret lab.

Now we're back
in the hallway.

And then back in the lab. Hey,
I wonder what happens if I...

Hall, lab, hall, lab, hall, lab,
hall, lab, hall... and lab.

Kronk!

Sorry.

Aromatherapy room,
private steam bath,

mirrored walk-in closets...

With Kuzco
back in the palace,

he's bound to spring
one of the hundreds
of booby traps I've set up.

I thought the plan
was to prevent him
from graduating Kuzco Academy.

This was in case that plan
didn't work out.

Well, it kinda comes off
like you don't have confidence
in your original plan.

Nevermind that. Place this
Kuzco doll in front of that
demonstration mirror.

(squeaks)

What, the doll's
supposed to starve to death?

No.
'Cause dolls don't eat.

Just watch.

It missed.

Drat.
I was just eyeballing it
when I installed the trap.

You really should
buy a ruler.

Mm, I don't use one enough
to justify the expense.

Anyway, Kuzco,
vain as he is,

will look in a mirror
and spring the trap.

And I've installed mirrors
all over the palace!

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

...gold-plated
toenail clippers,

plushy-plush towels.

Awaking to royal
chirping birdies.
Kuzco.

Where's Malina?

She said if you ever
stop talking

to tell you she went home.

And speaking of home,
why are you in mine?

Apparently
our house is crawling
with giant termites.

Oh-ho, that's weird.

So I don't suppose
we could just -

Take a tour? Great.

This is my pillow room.
Look at 'em all.

My exercise room.
I've never been in there.

My, uh, whatchamacallit room.

Down there are my Monday
through Sunday rooms.

That's my room to breathe.

And that's my elbow room,
there's my room-room...

Nothing happened.

Maybe he needs to be smaller,
like the doll.

I -
Yay, it worked.

Kronk.

My blue room, not to be confused
with my exercise room,

which is also blue.

Ball room,
my wing of emptiness,

and let's not forget
my marble room.

Hey, where is my marble?
There she is.

Hi, Marbley.

Enjoy your huge room
all to yourself.

So, thanks for coming
on the tour.

Be sure to stop by
the gift shop
on your way out.

They've got
funny huge combs for kids
and souvenir me-shaped cups.

Water's extra.

Kuzco, we didn't come here
to buy stuff.

We need a place to stay.
It's called returning a favor.

Ooh, like a party favor?
(blows)

No. Like when you needed
a place to stay

and we housed and fed you.

Yeah, see,
the weird thing is,

I know this palace looks big
to a non-royal person...

Uh-huh.

...but in reality,

this is small
compared to other palaces.

Yeah, it's sort of a palace
built for one.

There are guestrooms,

but we have a strict
no visitors policy.

Heh-heh.
My hands are tied.

What about
the marble room?

Brilliant idea. I'll have
a new marble room built.

That'll take about six months.
Then, when it's ready,

I'll put my marble in there,
and you'll get the old
marble room.

In six months?

Give or take. You know how
contractors are.

All righty, see ya
in six months or so.

Kuzco, there must be
somewhere in this huge palace
we can stay.

Why, this is perfect
for a family of five.

Oh, being up this high,
should have a good view.

(Kuzco)
Yay, nose view.

Isn't it amazing
how some people
just look good

carved in stone?

How many guys look this good,
even with water gushing
out of their nose hole?

I'm being serious here.

OK.

How often
does that happen?

Oh, hoo. Whoops.
Didn't know you were here.

I was trying to use
the road less traveled.

I'm courteous like that.

Wait, why are you
even in my palace?
(doorbell rings)

You gonna get that?
It's your palace.

(panting)

(strains)

(gasping for air)

You OK?

Long walk
from nostril room.
Don't get much exercise.

Hey, there's some people
behind you.

Oh, this is my family, Kuzco.
Uh, we need a place to stay.

Oh, yeah? Why?

OK, fine. You can all stay
in my room.

Biggest room
in the whole palace.

Shouldn't you give this room
to Pacha and Chicha
and the kids?

You, uh, kinda
owe it to them.

OK, so Pacha and Chicha
move into your room.

Where will we go?
We don't go anywhere.

I'll go to the Tuesday room
with my family.
But it's not Tuesday.

OK, then...
what's this room?
That's my gold room.

I'll sleep there.

OK. Then I'll go over here.
What's this?

The room of many pillows?
Perfect.

You know, Chaca and Yupi
should be close to Pacha
and Chicha.

Ach, fine. Make it so.

And Tipo wants to be close
to his parents.

Gold room for him.
Hey, but I'm
in the gold room.

All right. Hey, look,
the mirror room.

That was weird.

Oh, I know where you can go.
Hey.

(toilet flushes)

(doorbell rings)

Oh, brother. What now?

(panting)

(strains)

(gasps for air)

Room for one more?

Nope.

Heh.

Oh, come on in,
you old... so and so.

You won't even know
we're here.

Except he snores like
a burpin' whale.

I'll need a room
with proper cross-ventilation

and a separate room
for my wind chimes.

Attention,
uninvited guests,

just one
house-slash-palace rule.

No touchy anything.

(glass breaks)

(man)Sorry.

OK, everyone,
we're switching to paper cups.

Excuse me, Kuzco, may I use
this ancient tapestry
to polish my wind chime?

No.

I finished this snack.
What's fer dinner?

You already had d-
We need more towels.

Coming.

Kuzco...

got an extra shaver?

Kuzco, got any more
sloth stew?

You know what?
You should just -

You're doing a great job,
Kuzco.

Wait here,
and I'll get you some.

Lookin' good.

Hmm, no time
to question that.

Heh. Look,
it made a shape.

Funny.

Yeah, I mean not funny

to you.

Ooh, look at me.
I'm emperor.

That's it. Now it's time
for Kuzco' Doodles.

The part of the show
where I, Kuzco,

figure out how to get rid of
all these peasanty types

without getting rid of
the pleasanty types. Mm-hmm.

OK, first I go
to cowboy school,

and they teach me how to, uh,
do that spinny rope thing.

Ooh, then I get to ride
a mechanical bull. Yee-haw!

Moo, we're peasants,

and we're stinkin' up
the palace. Moo.

Then I herd them into a pen
and sell them to a farmer,

whom they can worship
as their king.

All hail King Farmer. Moo.

Wait. Then who's gonna
worship me?

Yep, better go with the old
just be yourself.

Everybody out!

But, Kuzco,
we can't leave.

We have nowhere to go.
Our huts are all tented
for termites.

Right, about that...

Announcement.

There are no termites.

What?

Yeah, I sorta
made that whole thing up

so I could move back here
to my palace, with throney.

Uh, what about
that big termite bite
out of our hut?

Didn't think
the termite inspector would
go off the deep end is all.

Looks like your original plan
failed

again.

But look, there's
a mob of people
angry at Kuzco.

Angry mobs can be
very destructive.

Let's get him!

Yeah, let's get him.
Guaca?

Sorry, sir, but you really did
mess the whole town over.

(yelling)

(screams)

(whimpers)Ooh, I look so cute
in Mr. Teensy Mirror.

Aah!

Ah, home at last.

Hey, we've got room
at the end of the show
to show more rooms.

Heh-heh. Showroom.

I'm funny.

This is my room without a view,
my elbow room,

my room temperature,
my sitting room,

my standing room only,
my rest room,

my room and board.

This is the edit room
where we edit the show.

And now let's
take a look at the room
where we keep the logos.