The Emperor's New School (2006–2008): Season 2, Episode 20 - Guaka Rules - full transcript

During a school museum visit, Kronk's sneezing and Kuzco's dangerous clumsy mischief uncover an ancient inscription. It suggests his family isn't the real dynasty. Worse, that's Guaca's, so he is enthroned, and proves a horrible good pupil of Kuzco's bad example. Yzma hopes to rule trough him or poison him, but fails. The last hope is a prophecy about a lost magical chalice which can reveal the true emperor.

♪ I'm on my way to the throne
I'm on my way to success

♪ And somethin', somethin',
somethin'

♪ Me, me, me ♪

(sighs)
Wait.
What are the words again?

♪ He's on his way to the throne
He's on his way to success

♪ But he has to go to school
He's got to ace that test!

♪ He's an emperor-to-be
And he's totally...

You know,
it's all about me.

Exactly!
♪ Let's go!

♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy

♪ He's got to learn his ABCs



♪ They'll try to stop him!
To top him!

To destroy him, right?
Uhhhhhhh...

♪ K-U-Z-C-O
Kuzco! Kuzco!
Go! Go!

♪ He's got the cool,
He's got the charm
and the looks

♪ And a hottie
that can help him read

♪ The thing called books!
♪ Let's go!

♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy

♪ Come on, Kuzco!
♪ Got to fulfill his destiny

♪ His friends are loyal,
it's royal

♪ They'll help
against the foil!

Friends? I thought
this was all about me.
Ha-ha. Spell my name again.

♪ K-U-Z-C-O
Kuzco! Kuzco!
Go! Go! ♪

(Moleguaco)
And that, students, is why
the mask is so heavily guarded

here at the Kuzco-seum.



(Kuzco thinking)
Blah, blah. Who cares?
Blah, blah. Not me.

Blah, blah...
Look at that thing.

Blah, blah.
Smelly and moldy.

Blah, blah?
Where is the snack bar?

Blah, blah, blah.
"Kuzco, are you
paying attention?"

Blah - Wait.
Did I say that
or did he?

Kuzco, are you
paying attention

or are you
thinking fun of me again?

One of those.
Well, pay attention!

I'm explaining all about

the Chalice
of Eternal Power!

And what's that
got to do with me?
Legend has it

the chalice is buried
somewhere deep beneath
this very museum.

And the royal one
who drinks from it
and belches blue fire

is said to be
the one true emperor.

(thinking) Man, this museum
should be called the Museum
of Natural Boredom.

There's got to be
something fun
to do around here.

Nope. Maybe.

Boring.

Ooh! "Do not touch."

(♪ scatting)

This ancient
engraved tablet,

so fragile it was never
fully excavated from the rock
in which it was discovered,

has been the subject
of controversy
and fascination

by generations
of scholars.

(♪ scatting continues)

(screams)

(grunts)

Kuzco!
Nobody said
"No drumming."

At, uh...
You know, at least
he didn't damage

the priceless... ahh...

ancient... ahh....

irreplaceable...
Ah-choo!

Sorry.

(gasps)Look!

You can see more
of the ancient writing!

It says, "Continued
on other side."

Oh! Previously
undiscovered text!

The ancient scholars
must never have looked
back here.

It appears to be
an account of Kuzco's family
and their rise to power.

Finally, a "me" story!

It seems Kuzco's
great ancestor

held the throne
merely as a decoy

in case of any attempts
on the true royal family.

Decoy?

According
to these writings,

our true emperor is...

Guaka?
Me?

Whoa. Who? Whoa.
Are you saying Guaka...

...rules!

(groans)

O great and glorious Guaka,
long may you reign.

But I think you got
something in your teeth.

(spits)
(Kuzco)Uh, Guaka?
There's been a mistake.

Watch this, sir.
I'm hungry.

I'm thirsty.

I want a polka-dotted
ukulele.
(♪ string plucks)

Yeah, Guaka, could I
have a talkie-talkie
with you, please?

Oh. Sorry.
Kuzco may enter.

Now that's more like it.

Being emperor rules!

News flash.
You can't be emperor.

One, too doughy.
Two, I'm emperor-to-be.

Three, you're a peasant.
Four -(sobs)

And five, you didn't even
have to graduate!

I already graduated.
I just stay in school
to be closer to you.

Pathetic.
Come on, Guaka.

You know you don't really
want to be emperor.

Sure, I do.
Becoming emperor has been
my life's dream.

Since when?
Since an hour ago
when I found out I get to.

Here's the plan. You become
emperor, then relinquish
all power to me.

Then you won't have
to worry your teeny,
tiny brainy-brain

with great, big
emperor problems...
like this.

That's Rudy the janitor!
No, that's a peasant.

(high-pitched voice)
"Oh, I'm a poor
peasant janitor,

and I need water for my mop."

(normal voice)
What would you do?
Well...

We royal guys have
plenty of water, so...

(imitates buzzer)Wrong.
A real emperor sends him
straight to the dungeon.

Otherwise, everybody
will want water
for their... mop thingies.

Wow. I had no idea, sir.

Point is, emperoring
is way too hard

for a doughy,
small-brainy-brained
sidekick like yourself.

Why can't I be
inhuman like you?

Oh! Yzma! Yzma!
Did you hear?

Yes, I heard.
Emperor Guaka.

Now all I need to do is get
the job as his advisor.
Then I'll be able to...

...squash him with a hammer
and become empress?

Exactly.

But first
I have to polish up
my résumé.

How do you spell
"gorgeous"?

Yeah, you don't spell that
with a, uh, clear conscience.

"Works well with others"?

"Team player"?
"Good listener"?

Quiet, Kronk.
Everyone lies
on their résumé.

I remember a geeky young
assistant who claimed he could
type 300 words a minute.

Yeah, it was 500.
I didn't want to seem
overqualified.

"Brain surgeon"?!

Well, Guaka,

before your final,
nonreversible
swearing-in as emperor,

do you have
any last words?

My last word
is usually "sir."

But now things are different.
I've been worried about
being a good emperor,

so I asked myself,
"What would Kuzco do?"

Now it's time
for "Guaka's Doodles,"

the part of the show
where I, Guaka,

figure out
what Kuzco would do.

First -
(Kuzco)Did somebody
say "Kuzco"?

Actually, sir, I was just
doodling about what you'd do
if you were in my shoes.

Ha! If I were
in your shoes, I'd trip.

Ha-ha! Get it?

Hey, everyone,
I found Bigfoot.
(bell rings)

Look, if I were you,
I would give me back
my crown.

No, if you were me,
you'd just smile
and pull the lever.

Sorry I'm late.
Didn't want to miss
this part.

Let me guess.
You gonna spring me out
through the ceiling?

Nope.
Something big
gonna fall on me?

No.
All right, surprise me.
(screams)

(cackles)

(screams)

You taught me
everything I know, sir.

OK. Today I learned
all about treating others
the way I want to be treated.

Whoopee! So let's just
call this done and done and -

Sorry, sir,
but I'm taking over
the "stop the show" duties.

Huh?(shrieks)
All right, let's
take this from the top.

Theme music.

(♪ intro)

♪ Guaka's now got the throne
He is the king of the school

♪ And no one can remember
the guy who used to rule

♪ He's an emperor, yippee
So naturally ♪

It's all about me.

Thanks for letting me
out of the dungeon
there, Guaka.

You know, you could have
left Yzma.

Oops.(chuckles)Looks like
we're at the wrong school.
No, we're not.

But it says "Ga."

That's right.
Guaka Academy.
And look!

(crash)

How am I doin', sir?
Great.

Today's specials -
guak-amole, Guako's tacos
and shrimp guak-tails.

Isn't anything
still named after me?

Sure. Dump your garbage
in the Kuz-can.

All right, class.

Don't think about
how disgusting
your classmate's foot is.

Just rub it.

(laughs)
I'm glad I'm late.

I suggest
you stop laughing
and join the class.

Seriously,
what's goin' on?

We are studying Guak-ology.
Guak-what-ogy?

The science of being
a spineless, groveling
foot rubber.

Whoever gets
the best grade becomes
the new emperor's sidekick.

I still need a partner.

Sorry, Miss Yzma.
I was hoping my advisor would be
a beautiful young woman.

What's your point?
Uh...

Come on, it's number 42
on my résumé,

right under
"can jump over the moon."

Would you prefer another
way out, or should I drop you
in the dungeon again?

Oh. Not the dungeon again.

OK.
(screaming)

I want
the dinosaur-shaped one!

Now where's
my loyal sidekick?

Your underpants, sir?
Hooray! Clean underpants!

Hey! They're not folded.

The only reason I'm doing this
is so I can talk you out of -
Peasant - I mean, sir -

I command you to proceed
with the folding
of my undies.

Could this possibly get
any worse?

Because I'm doing
just what you would do.

For tomorrow, Malina becomes
Empress Guaka.

That'll do it.

(Kuzco)
Bye-bye, little me
in a sailor suit.

Bye-bye, me on llama back.

Bye-bye, me looking happy.
Bye-bye, me looking dashing.

(shrieks)
Didn't scare you,
did I?

No. Why? Did you hear
somebody scream like a girl?

'Cause that wasn't me.
(crashes)

I wanted you to know
I only agreed to be
Empress Guaka

because he threatened to do
a terrible thing.

There's something worse
than being Empress Guaka?

He said he'd turn
my family's home
into a store -

Guakery Barn.
What? Why didn't I
think of that?

I'll call it
Bed, Bath & Kuzco.

I'll sell
100% Kuz-cotton towels
and Kuz-coasters -

you know, for drinks -
and...
Kuzco!

Sorry. Got carried away.

Ooh! How about
a 99-Kuz-coin store?
That's even better.

Kuzco! How about
we come up with an idea
on how to dethrone Guaka?

Remember what
Mr. Moleguaco said
on our field trip?

Yes. "Blah, blah,
blahbedy blah blah."
Right?

Uh, no. About the Chalice
of Eternal Power.

The one who drinks from it
and belches blue fire
is the one true emperor.

I like the store idea
better.

Would you forget
the store?!

If we can find that chalice -
wherever it's hidden -

it will reveal
whether or not you're
the true emperor.

That sounds like work.
Kuzco!

(shrieks)
I didn't scare you,
did I?

No. Why? Did you hear
somebody scream
like a girl again? Weird.

This scroll was given to me
by your great-great-grandfather

in case there was ever
a challenge to the throne.

I kept it
in a special closet that I call
"Gifts I Can't Return."

It says,
"Is ee ki-chi angie.

Tu hats the iku eyu."

What do you think
that means?
I should explain.

Great-great-grandpappy
often spoke without
his dentures.

Oh. He told me the scroll
can be deciphered

by removing the most
and least important letters
in the alphabet.

Hmm. Which ones are those?

The most important letter
in the alphabet - "I,"
as in "me."

And the least important -
"U," as in "not me."

Well, if you remove
the I's and the U's,
then it reads,

"Seek change.
That's the key."

Of course!
We're supposed to change...

into our
birthday suits.
What?

♪ Happy, happy birthday
from all of us to you

♪ We wish it was our birthday
so we could party, too
Hey ♪

(noisemaker blows)
OK, now what?

Yeah. I think the scroll
is talking about pocket change.
(coins rattle)

Aw! You keep little
engraved pictures of me
in pocket.

And look.
On the other side is that old
box thing I saw at the museum.

That must be it! We have
to go back to the museum.
You and me? Yay! A date!

It's not a date.
I'm just trying to, you know,
not be Empress Guaka.

Good luck!
But beware.

There are others
who will stop at nothing
to hide the truth.

(snoring)

(whispers)
That was easy.

(creaking)

Oh! Uh...
(snoring resumes)

(whispers)
No problem.

Careful, Malina.

(snoring continues)

(gasps)
What? Where?

(Malina)
Hmm. It's locked.

Don't worry.
I know just what to do.

(grunting)

(grunting continues)

Open up,
stupid chest!

Oh, well.
Have a great life
with Guaka.

Wait a minute.
Remember...

"Seek change.
That's the key."
Look.

Hey! My little coins
are still good for something.

What is it?
A map.

The Chalice
of Eternal Power!

I can already smell
the belching.
Hmm.

According to this,
we should go
to the llama fountain.

(whistle blows)

Great.
It's Captain Vigilant.
Run!

Come back here!

And that's my plan.
Dare I say it's brilliant?!

Hmm. Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.

To get rid of Emperor Guaka,
you plan to offer him
a ten-course meal.

But really we'll potion
his drink...

(bleats)
...and turn him
into a llama.

Then I throw him
into a llama sack
and drag him out of town.

What do you think?
Done it. Been there.
Déjà ploy!

That was your first plan
to get rid of Kuzco,
and it flopped.

Oh, no, no, no.
This time it's
completely different.

Instead of spinach puffs,
you'll fix tuna puffs.

Brilliant, brilliant,
brilliant!

(owl hoots)

OK, we made it
to the fountain.
Now what?

Maybe the chalice is
hidden in the fountain.

(water splashing)

Aw! Nothing's here.

My sandals are leaking
more than usual.

Hmm. The map says
to shake a leg
when trouble is afoot.

Gotcha.

Look! On the statue.

One of the feet has
three toes instead of two.
(clanging)

Oh, well.
Now wha...

(both screaming)

(both screaming)

We've got to find
that chalice.

I am not becoming
Empress Guaka.

And I am not letting Guaka
take my rightful place
as emperor.

And we better work fast.
There's only eight minutes
left in the episode.

(frog croaking)

Locked.
Allow me.

(grunting)

Open up, stupid door!

Wait. Kuzco, look.

Hmm.
These instructions say

we must play the theme song
on these bones

with no more
than 37 mistakes,
or certain doom.

Yeah. Why never
"maybe doom"?

OK. Step aside.
I've got killer
xylophoning skills.

(♪ scatting)
(♪ xylophone)

Wow. Kuzco...

Check this out.

(♪ scatting)

(rumbling)

No improvising!
(chuckles)

Remember,
"certain doom"?

Typical. Everyone just wants
to hear the hits.

(♪ playing slowly)

Dinner is served,
your Guakaness.

Wow! I never had
a ten-course dinner before.

Enjoy.

(silverware clattering)
(chomping)

(plate shatters)
(chomping continues)

(belches)
Excuse me.

Well, after all that,
you must be thirsty.

How about
washing it down...
with this?

No, thanks.
I brought a bottled water.
Huh?

Remember the llama potion
you gave Kuzco?

Yes.
No.

I mean, no.

I figure,
why take a chance?

Can't be too careful
nowadays, huh?
Right. Why? Right.

Ka-a-a-ching.

(male voice)
Who goes there?

No one here
but us looters.
(gasps)Real people?

Who are you?
I'm the royal
chalice keeper.

I've been watching over
this treasure
for a thousand years.

Talk about job security.

Oh, what's the news
from the outside?

Are loincloths
still in style?

Did they ever save
the woolly mammoths?

Do people still say
"24/7"?

We're kinda in a hurry.

That's the trouble
with kids nowadays.

Or is it?
I haven't seen
a human in centuries!

Oh. You want to hang out?
I have chickens.

Or we could play
"Spin the Chalice."

We don't really have time.
We've got to find
the Chalice of Eternal Power.

Oh, very well.

'Tis one of these.

Yeah, thanks
for narrowing it down.
Take your time

and choose wisely.

Got it. Let's go.
Wait!

But you didn't
take your time!

(sobbing)
Oh, come back!

Don't leave me!
My next coffee break's
not till October!

(both gasp)
Prepare Malina
for the wedding!

Prepare Kuzco
for his funeral!

How's that
for emperoring, sir?

You can't do this.
The last thing
this empire needs

is a self-centered jerk
for an emperor.

Uh, Kuzco, maybe
you should rephrase that.

Uh, yeah. That's
actually thefirst thing
this empire needs.

The last thing it needs
is Guaka, who isn't
the true emperor.

Right. Like I'm gonna believe
a jealous ex-emperor-to-be.

Wait! I have proof.
The Chalice of Eternal Power.

Whoever drinks from it
and belches blue fire
is the true emperor.

That sounds made up.
I completely agree,
but it's my last shot, so...

What happened
to my belchy-belchy?

(laughs hysterically)

(rumbling)
Hey, what's that sound?

It's coming from Kuzco.
(rumbling continues)

(belching)

(swallows)

Excuse me.

You're excused, sir.

Somebody must have
planted a phony message

on the back of the stone tablet
in the museum in order
to put Guaka in power.

We wouldn't have seen it
if the tablet
hadn't been broken.

Yes, but it was broken
by Kronk's convenient sneeze.

And Kronk, as we know,
works for Yzma.

Hmm. Ha-ha.
Well, well, well.

You figured it out,
Malina.

Why are we wearing
the cloaks again?

More mysterious.
Can I keep it?

Yzma assumed Guaka
would be easy to manipulate.

She didn't count on him
going mad with power.

I didn't,
but now I have both emperors
right where I want them!

(evil laugh)

(gasps)

I'm sorry I let
the emperor thing
go to my head, sir.

If we get out of this alive,
I'd like to go back to being
your doughy,

small-brainy-brained
sidekick.
See, Guaka?

Being a self-centered emperor's
not the piece of cake
it sounds like.

But you've taught me to be
nicer, so no more playing
my theme song on you.

Thanks, sir.
From now on, I'll make you
play it with your armpit.

Hey, guys,
can the drippy chitchat,

'cause we're in trouble!

Goodbye, Malina.

I mean, hello! Look.
Just like the one
on the chest.

And I just happen to have
one last Kuz-coin.

What are you waiting for?
But it's my last Kuz-coin.
Ooh, I know.

I could throw it in the water,
wish for a funny hat.
Kuzco!

OK, OK. Forget my wish.

(insects chirping)

(all)
Whoa!

And I want a large purple cake
at my coronation
with a little me at the top

standing on a little
ugly Kuzco.

We're alive!

And my big belchy proved
Guaka's not emperor.

(sighs)Which means
I don't have to be
Empress Guaka.

Yeah, you're probably
extra-relieved

'cause secretly you want
to bemyempress.

No, I just didn't want
to be Empress Guaka.

Kuzco, I hereby
proclaim you emperor!

Huh? I thought
he had to finish school first.

Oh - Oh, yes.
I almost forgot
about that.(laughs)

Never mind.

One, I'll resist
the temptation to say,
"Who asked you?"

Two, after seeing
what can happen when power
goes to your head,

I promise to be a nicer,
more caring emperor.

And three...
can I have a Kuz-coin?

What for?

Yay! Funny hats!

OK, OK.
This is gonna be great.

Let's see if I can burp
all the way until the logos
come on. Here goes.

(gulps)
Ahh...

(rumbling)
(belching)

(belching continues)