The Emperor's New School (2006–2008): Season 2, Episode 19 - Auction Action/The Astonishing Kuzco - full transcript

[I- Auction Action] Kuzco expected everyone would bid on him at the charity bachelor auction, especially Malina. Instead she bids on Kronk, who suggests she wants to make him jealous. So he hands Mudka waitress Yatka his credit card. They end up at the same expensive restaurant, paying no attention to their dates, with painful consequences. [II- The Astonishing Kuzco] Yzama planned to destroy Kuco by monster laser, but instead it gives him super-powers. Everybody scolds his refusal to use them for good, but when Yzma uses it on herself they agree to help fight her.

Kuzco's back!

Get it? "Kuzco's back"?
As in "back to entertain you"?

Back to start the show?
Back to -

Eh, I'm too hip for the room.
Theme music!

(♪ "Emperor's New School"

♪ He's on his way to the throne
He's on his way to success

♪ But he has to go to school
He's got to ace that test!

♪ He's an emperor-to-be
And he's totally...

You know,
it's all about me.

♪ Let's go!

♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy

♪ He's got to learn his ABCs

♪ They'll try to stop him!
To top him!

To destroy him, right?

♪ K-U-Z-C-O
Kuzco! Kuzco!
Go! Go!

♪ He's got the cool,
he's got the charm
and the looks

♪ And a hottie
that can help him read

♪ The thing called books!
♪ Let's go!

♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy

♪ Come on, Kuzco!
♪ Got to fulfill his destiny

♪ His friends are loyal,
it's royal

♪ They'll help
against the foil!

Friends? I thought
this was all about me.

Ha-ha. Spell my name again.

♪ K-U-Z-C-O
Kuzco! Kuzco!
Go! Go! ♪

(PA announcer) Attention.
The Bachelor Charity Auction

begins in five minutes.

Guaka, be a pal -
zip up my puff.

Malina, I wanna
thank you for...

well, for bidding
so much money on me

in this Bachelor
Charity Auction.

It hasn't even started yet.

Oh, I was practicing
for later.

Now, run along and break open
your Kuzcoin bank.

The bidding for a date with me
is gonna get pretty crazy.

(laughs)You think
I wanna bid on you?

Every girl does.
But only one will win
her dream date.

So, no pouty-pouty face
if it's not you. OK?

Kuzco, I only came back here
to wish you luck, but -

Oh! Insider tip -
Don't bid your whole
life savings up front.

Yeah, I am worth it,
but you don't want people

to know you're desperate.
Not a good look.

You know what?
Maybe Iwasgoing
to bid for you,

but not after
you said that!

That's about the rudest,
most insensitive thing

you've ever said to me.

(thinking) Did you
hear that? (chuckles)

She was gonna bid for me,
and all because she likes me.

And pretty soon
we're goin' on a date.

(sing-song) A date-date-

Ah, forget it.

A date-date-datey-



Hey, Malina, I heard
you're gonna bid

your whole entire
life savings on Kuzco.

Who told you that?

Which is exactly why
I'm putting my money
on Ramon.

No way. I totally used
the "buy him now" option.

(sound of cash register

And now the moment
we've all been waiting for -

Except me.
I couldn't care less.

Our first bachelor up for bid

is a puff gourmet

and sings
his own theme music...


(cheers and applause)


Golden and flaky
on the outside.

Totally hot on the inside.

(scoffs)That puff isn't worth
the pastry he's baked in.

Ten Kuzcoins!

Ten Kuzcoins, good start.

Do I hear 12?



Malina, don't blow
your life savings

just to make Kuzco jealous.

25 Kuzcoins!


What a joyful feeling,
raising money
for such a good cause.

A cause to help others.
A charitable cause.

Yeah, yeah. 25 Kuzcoins
for tall, dark

and in touch
with his muscly side.

But what girl is into that?
Boy, did Malina blow it.

Could've had the top prize.

Maybe she's just trying
to make you jealous.

Malina? Trying to
make me jealous?

(chuckles)That is so petty.

Only I would do
something like that.


Your Kuz-credit card?

It's got
a thousand-Kuzcoin limit.

I can only use it
for royal emergencies.

Like starting
a bidding war for me.

It just don't seem right,

you two tryin' to make
each other jealous.

Yeah, yeah. Blah-blah.
Less talky,

more go-out-there-
and-biddy on me.

Our next bachelor
likes Kuzco,

likes Kuzco and likes Kuzco...


Kuzco rules!

(sighs)Shall we start
the bidding at, um...


How about if he pays you
for a date?

I'll take him!

Thank you...

Guaka's mom.

Our next bachelor is -

Here, I rewrote it.

Ahem. He's a lean,
mean dating machine.

He's cool, he rules

and you'd be a fool
not to bid for

the hottest-hot-hottiest
emperor ever,


Kuzco-Kuzco. Go, go.

(cheers and applause)

(♪ disco)

OK, any bids?

I have a whole thing planned.

Elephant juggling,
daredevil act

and flying in my jet pack.

(crash/elephants trumpeting)

The bidding's wide open.

100 Kuzcoins!

Only the audience
can bid, Guaka.

Ladies, loosen
those purse strings.

(girl coughs)

I guess, uh...

One thousand Kuzcoins?

(crowd gasps)
You weren't supposed
to spend it all!

Sold! Final sale.
No refunds.

Ohh, I can't believe
we're eatin' out so fancy.

You come here often, Kuzco?

All the time.
I love it here at...

Clos-ed On Sundays.

Well, you're just sweeter
than sugar-coated molasses
for bringin' me here.

At first I thought
it might be part of your

"make-Malina-jealous plan."

What? Silly Yata.

The last person on my mind
right now is -


And Kronk.
What a coincidence.

Like the coincidence
when you asked me
where Malina was taking me

and I told you and you said
not to say anything to anyone

and I said,
"Sure, no problem, Kuzco"?

Yeah, that coincidence.

Well, congratulations, Yata.

It looks like you got
your dream date.

Come, Kronk,
our table's ready.

(nervous chuckle)
Don't get mad, Yata.

I've done things
far worse than this.

Well, maybe they'll
be seated far away

so you get distracted.

Mmm, looks good.

Steaks, pasta,
capybara chops.

International puffs?
Hot diggity!

Yes, hot diggity.

This is going to be
the greatest date ever.

Moo goo gai puffs,
shish ke-puffs,

fortune puffs,
I wanna try 'em all.

Look! I can try 'em all.
They've got a puff boat.

Oh, but that's 200 Kuzcoins.

Get a load of
this guy, Yata.

Paying more attention
to the menu than his date.

Some manners.

Um, Kuzco? Your date
went to the ladies' room.

(toilet flushes)
I knew that.

Maybe I shouldn't risk it.

Just stick with
the spinach puffs.

A classic.
Right, Malina?

Whatever, Kronk.
You have a lot to learn
about manners, Kuzco.

Oh, yeah?
Well, while my date's gone,

I'm gonna order her...

The most expensive
bottled water on the menu!

(French accent)Hmph.
I shall go get the secret key.

But how can I get
normal old puffs

when they've got
spaghetti and meat puffs?

You should see
the ladies' room.
Real towels!

Not like the reusable
paper ones at Mudka's.

Kuzco. Over here.

Hmm? Oh, right.
Um, you say something?



Our most expensive
bottled water, monsieur.

Oh. Uh, I didn't really
mean to order this.

See, this is not
a real date.

It's just Yata.
Bring her something more...

We'll take it!


We'll take another one.

Of course, mademoiselle.

(crockery breaks)

And another.

And another.
(crockery breaks)

And another.
(crockery breaks)

And another.
(crockery breaks)

And another.


And what are you
gonna have, Malina?

Maybe a, uh...
Just a minute, Kronk.

I'm dealing with
a very rude diner.


Are we ready to order?

Sure enough.
What's the fanciest thing
ya got?

The pill-bug tartare.

Uh, Yata, why not try the...

Eh... ketchup.
That sounds good.

I'll take four of
them pill-bug taters.

They are very large, madame.
Then give me eight.

37 Kuzcoins each,
times eight. That's, uh...

296 Kuzcoins.
(sound of cash register

Why don't you just use
your Kuz-credit card?

And why don't you mind
your own table?

Fine, the lady will have
the bugs, and I'll...

just look at my reflection
in this plate.

Very good, sir.

And for you,

Uh... uh, I'll have
what he's having.

You order for both of us,
uh, uh...

Kronk. Right.
I knew that.

Order for both of us?

But - Well, I-I-I-I-

May I suggest
the "his and hers puff boats"?

Well, I-I-I-I...
What do you think, Malina?

Yeah, whatever you want,

I trust
your good taste.

Whose good taste?
You couldn't even
remember his name.

Could too!
I was just thrown.

I know you are,
but what am I?

That doesn't even
make sense!

I'll tell you
what doesn't make sense -

You pretending that Yata
really bid for you?

No, you bidding on
that muscly meathead.

At least the muscly meathead
got bids.

Right, Kronk?

Last time we come here.
Right, Yata?


Uhh... what happened?

Good evening, mademoiselle.

May I recommend
the mug o' meat,

which is extra meaty

My, my!
Quelle-y impressieev'd!

Ha, ha. Malina got
dumpedy dumped.

Ha, ha. So did you.

Your fault.
My fault?

Uh, yeah. Kronk left
because you weren't
being honest about

how you felt
about me.

But you're never honest
with the way you feel
about anyone.

Too busy acting like
the world's in love with ya.

You know, it makes it
really hard when someone
actually does like you.


I can't believe
I just said that.

Did-did you just...
admit you like me?

Don't make me answer
that, Kuzco.

your pill-bug tartare.

Ugh. I can be honest
about how I feel about that.

Your puff boats,

I'm suddenly not hungry.
Me, neither.

Then I will just leave you
with the bills.

200 Kuzcoins per puff boat?
I can't pay for this.

Yeah, I can't, either.

Not to mention the fact
that Yata still has
my Kuz-credit card.

Oh. Not to mention
it's maxed out.

Yeah, thanks. Of course,
on the bright side...

You finally got your dream date
with yours truly.

This is not a date.

(laughing manically)

So, Kuzco, any last words?

Yeah, why is the price tag
still on the laser?

I just picked it up
this morning at Yz-Mart.

Good luck returning it now.

Oh, they'll listen to me good
when I'm finally Empress!


Great, but you're not empress
yet. You still have to
throw the switch.


I'm just saying,
you should throw the switch,

then celebrate.

It's really more of a toggle,
so you don't really throw it.
You just flick it.

Flick the toggle, Kronk!

Yes, Miss Not-Yet-Empress.



I'm still here!

That can't be right.

(Kuzco giggles)



Oh, that tickles.
Does this thing even work?

Oh, yeah.
I checked it earlier today.

"Place cake in center of laser
platform, blast for one second."





Yeah, it works, all right.

Not exactly sure what it does,
but it works.

Well, then why didn't -

Sir! You took quite a shot.

I hope the royal brain is OK.

That's weird.

X-ray vision?


Whoa! Break through walls,
x-ray vision.

Fire eyes! Mm-hmm.

I'm Kuzco-Man!

Now it's time
for "Kuzco's Doodles,"

the part of the show where
I design my super snazzy
Kuzco-Man suit.

Let's see. Ooh, I should
have a shark's fin.

And big wings so I can fly.

Dive! He swims!
He flies!

Swims! Flies!

(chuckles) Ah, but that fin
sort of makes my head look big.

And I'm a back-sleeper,
so those wings might be
a problem.

Ooh! Maybe I'll just walk
around with bags of money.

Yeah, that's a good look
for me.

I just pay the villains
to go away.

But I should add a cape

'cause that'll look cool
when I fly.


Greetings, lunch people.
I am Kuzco-Man.

How about you be
"Fix the Wall Man"?

Oh, what now?

Kuzco-Man will save you!

From what?

(sound of vacuum cleaner

That lunch was evil
and delicious.
You're welcome.

So, what's with
the tiny cape?

Isn't it cool?
Yzma tried to destroy me,

but now, instead
I'm super-powered!

Can I have an autograph?

That's "Kronk."
Two K's.

"To Kronk.
You are not super like me.


That'll be one Kuzcoin.


You're a real-life superhero,
just like Pajama Llama.

You get to fly around,
help those in need

and be an inspiration
to millions!

Yeah. That sounds great...

for someone else,

'cause this super guy
just wants to have fun!

Oh, hey, Kuzco-Man,
could I get some help here?

Can't. Busy.

Mm-hmm. Nice.

What's your deal?

I'm your super-sidekick,
"Guaka Wokka"!

And your superpower is...?

My jokes are so corny,
villains tremble.

What did the big green cat say
to the little yellow llama?


Because he's a cat.
Nyuk, nyuk.


Oh, yeah...

This is why
they invented x-ray vision.

Are you using
your super powers to spy?


Think, think, think.

Got it!

I was admiring
the craftsmanship
of the wall.

It's so... stoney-ish.

Not my best work.

Whatever. But an easier way
to spy on cheerleaders

is to use the window
two feet to your left.

I'd rather use my superpowers
to spy, thank you.

(chuckles)Oh, yeah.



I work alone.

But I'm Kuzco-Man's
furry nocturnal sidekick,

Guaka Mole!

Ooh, unfortunately,
Kuzco-Man has a rodent allergy.

Ah... ah... achoo!

Ech. No more of
this cafeteria junk.

I'm up for Chinese.

Mm! Yummy, yummy

Cavo want dim sum.

Then Cavo-Cavo
fly-fly to China.

Cavo no fly.

Then Cavo-Cavo
no-no dim sum.

Feast your attention on me!

The lizardly loyal sidekick
of Kuzco-Man -

Gecko Guaka!

What's a gecko do?

Stick to walls.

Oh, really?





Thought you could
stick to walls.

In spirit.

Listen, Gecko
Guaka Mole Wacka.

Me no needy sidekicky.
I've got super powers.

Super powers.

That means
I don't need anybody.

How about "Garbage Guaka,"

with his grand ability
to get stuck in a trash can?

Kuzco, you know what?
You're being a super -

Meany dum-dum!

I was gonna say jerk.
You could go that route.

I'm just sayin',
when you're super strong,
you should help people.

You shouldn't be such a -
Mean dum-dum.

I'm sorry.
Are you guys talking?

I was using
my super-ignoring powers.

Listen here, Kuzco-Man!

You have awesome powers
and awesomer responsibilities!

Pajama Llama would never use
his powers to super-ignore.

And that's because I'm...

"Better than Pajama Llama"!
That's what he said!

Who cares?
I've got a plan.

First, use the super-power ray
on some fresh vegetables.

Step two -
create a super salad.

Number three -
eat the super salad.

And five - create a comic book
about my super salad,

turn it into a movie
and make millions!

That seems logical.
Especially when you
number it like that.

What took you so long
to cook up that plan?

I got hungry,
so I went to Mudka's
for a meat mug with cheese.

Oh, did you get the Gouda?

Yes, and can you believe
they charged me
a dollar extra?

They just started
doin' that.

Ohh! If only I had

I could really make
a difference.

Wait! I know!

Flick the toggle, Kronk!

(deep voice)Look at me!
I'm ripped!

How come you got muscles
and Kuzco didn't?

I cranked the ray up
to "medium."

Wow! You look more like
Pajama Llama than Kuzco does.

Kuzco will suffer
a fiery defeat at the hands of

Yzma the Terrible!

No, no, no, no, no.

The Astonishing Yzma Man!

No. Uh...
Just doesn't feel...

Yzma Woman!

Ahh, that's good enough
for now.

(laughs maniacally)

You dare charge Yzma Woman
a dollar extra for cheese?

Now you shall pay!

Nobody messes with Mudka's.

So if you wanna tango, lady,



What happened to you?

My super powers wore off.
And now Yzma's got super powers!

Total copycat move,
by the way.
We have to stop her!

I would, but, heh,
I don't like you right now.

So, now that you're
not a super show-off
all of a sudden,

now you want your friends?

Maybe if you hadn't
acted like such a jerk,
we'd wanna help you.

Come on, I need you!

OK, sir.

I'm waiting.

What? I'm supposed
to say "I'm sorry"?

Yeah, but you're not.

I guess I was being
kind of a jerk,

but I don't like to
admit that kind of stuff.

So I'll just tell them
I'll do whatever they say.

I totally heard that.
How did you get in here?

Will you promise to stop
acting like a jerk?

Uh, yes.

Do you mean it?

OK, OK. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have acted
all jerkishly.

Now, can we go back
to the scene?

Will you cover my shift
at work?
Yes, I will.

Will you let me
be your sidekick forever?

Odd days.
No leap years.

But how can we
protect you from Yzma
if she's a Super Yzma?

It's like we need
our own super powers.

Great idea.
We'll say it was mine.

(announcer) It's the Kuzconian
Super Amigos,

starring Malina
as Kineti-Girl.

She tries to move objects
with her mind.

And Guaka as Swell Lad.

He sort of inflates
to ward off foes.

And Yata as Nighta.

With above-average
night vision,

she can see pretty well
in the dark.

And finally, Kuzco!

Eh, where'd he go?

Yzma Woman got him!

Very clever, taking me
during the fakey
title sequence thing.

And now I will destroy you!


I knew if I stalled long enough,
your powers would wear off.

Doesn't matter that my friends
don't have superpowers.

We can still beat you.

No superpowers?

But they looked
so convincing.

Didn't they, though?
Uh, when are we gonna...


Nobody ordered
a giant cactus.

Uh, box of scissors?
Uh, maybe next door?

You're the hammock.
Yeah, that's me.

Well, see ya.
Not so fast, Kuzco.

One more blast
from the super-power ray,

and I'll crush you!

Kronk, toggle me!


This thing has caused
too many problems, so...


That was not cheap.

It gave you both powers
but not integrity.

Only one super hero
lives up to that standard.

Pajama Llama!

Are we done here?
Yeah, let's wrap this up.

Yay! Iris out!

Hey, thanks for
helping me out

with the whole
Kuzco-Man thing.

Right back at ya for keeping
your word and taking my shift.

You know, this job is hard.
I wanna stop.

"Dear Mudka's Meat Hut

"We have been loyal customers
for over two seasons now,

"and when you started
charging extra for cheese
on your meat mugs,

"I became outraged!

Future Empress Yzma."

Oh, yeah,
that's gonna get results.

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