The Duchess of Duke Street (1976–1977): Season 2, Episode 9 - Tea and a Wad - full transcript

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So he says, "He'd like to line
up all politicians, profiteers,

pacifists, newspapermen..."

— yeah, I agree with that —

"..and the 4,000 or 5,000

"red-tabbed, half-witted

"staff officers at present
at 4th corps headquarters

and chuck them
in the river Y-ser."

Ee-ser.

Eh?

Ee-ser.



Oh. "Especially the..."

Blimey! The censor must have
raised a blind eye to this lot.

No censor when it comes with me.

It's like a diplomatic bag.

Sounds real bluey.

MAJOR: They all
are now, I'm afraid.

3 bloody years, and
not a thing to show for it.

That's half our best
friends gone now, Major.

All the best ones
that made life tick...

Old Baloney, Fancy Phil...

Last week, young Tich.

All dead.

Now, on top of all that,

we've got to close the place.



You mean shut up shop?

Yeah. Nosy young
devil from the Council

came round the other day.

Said this was a public
place... public place! I ask you.

Said it wasn't safe on
account of what the bomb did,

not till the builders have been.

So that's 7 or 8 weeks sitting
around twiddling our thumbs

and getting covered in dust.

I've got some leave.

Oh, well, I'll find
you another billet.

What am I going
to do with the staff?

Can't open a gas mask factory.

Can't even go and see Charlie.

Unless you smuggled me
across in your little black bag.

I just might be able
to wangle you a pass,

if you were to do some
important war work

over in France.

Yeah. Come on,
Major, what could I do?

Guard the dugouts, seeing if
their hot-water bottles are filled?

On my way back and forth,

I sometimes stay in Boulogne

waiting for the mail boat.

Of course, Boulogne's full
of store dumps and hospitals

and transit reinforcement camps.

They're all pretty
well organized,

but there is one thing
that badly needs doing.

You see the chaps coming
on leave from the front,

rolling up in trains
and buses and carts

and Lord knows what else,

and then they're left, stranded,

waiting for the next boat.

No canteen, no shelter.

Poor devils sometimes
have to wait on the quay

all night in the pouring rain.

They don't get no
food? No tea, nothing?

No, nothing.

Blimey.

It's a real gap in
the army's defenses.

It needs someone like you

to start something
up, get it going.

Starr...oh, stop mucking
about that bloody puppy!

You get me Mary and
Mrs. Cochrane up here,

double-quick time.

Yeah, but wouldn't be

nowhere to go, would there,

what with the
hospitals, the stores?

There is an old cafe
down by the docks

with a bit of a
kitchen behind it.

Of course, it's empty
now and a bit run-down,

but it is bang on the quay.

Is it? I happen to know

the Quartermaster
General's department

would help all they could.

They're very keen on the idea.

You're not pushing
me, by any chance,

are you, Major?

Yes.

Oh, yeah, come in, you two.

Hello, Mary, Mrs. Cochrane.

Hello, Major.

How do you two like the idea

of sitting on your bums

in this place while the builders

get it together again?

Not very much, but
we've been wondering...

that is, Mrs. Cochrane and
I have been wondering...

Yeah, well, I've
been wondering, too.

That's why I sent for you.

You two are going to do your bit

to help win this war.

You're both going to volunteer

for service overseas.

Well, I'm not, for one!

Oh, yes, you are, Mrs. Cochrane.

You, me, and Mary, we're
going to hop across to Boulogne,

have a bit of a holiday,
open up a canteen.

I'm sure funds
could be allocated.

No, I'm paying. Major
can arrange the passes,

and he can drive.

What? What about my leave?

Major, this was all your idea.

I'm merely obeying orders.

Now...what are we going to need?

SOLDIERS: ♪ To the
sweetest girl I know! ♪

♪ Goodbye to Piccadilly ♪

♪ Farewell, Leicester Square! ♪

♪ It's a long, long
way to Tipperary, ♪

♪ But my heart's right there. ♪

Shall I have a try, sir?

I can manage perfectly well.

It's probably flooded,
or magneto trouble.

I was a chauffeur
in the old days.

I'll just check the...

Don't touch it!

Sergeant, I happen
to know as much

about the internal
combustion engine

as anyone in Great Britain,

and especially about
this particular model,

and for your information...

bloody thing won't start?

One more time, sergeant,
if you'd be so kind.

Yes, sir.

Right.

Ready for the scrap
heap, if you ask me.

Are you referring
to me or the car?

Oh, come on,
Major, let's leave it

as a present for the Kaiser
and buy you a new one.

How far is it anyway?

Oh...

Ah. Well, we can push
it that far, can't we?

Come on, everyone, push.

Have a go at that side.

Hey, mademoiselle,
Tres bon. Bonjour.

You and me, kissy kissy,
round the corner, eh?

No, thank you very much.

Excuse me, miss.

MAJOR: Thank you!

Thank you all very much.

Well, shall we have a look?

LOUISA: All right.

I'm afraid it's not, uh, well...

No, it's lovely.

Just what we was looking for,

cockroaches and
all, isn't it, Mrs. C.?

Here, what's in here?

Oh, yeah. Store cupboard.

Well, we'll have a lovely time

catching the rats and
mice, won't we, Mary?

Right. Better get started,
else the war will be over.

That's fine. I'll be off, then.

Oh, no, you won't, Major.

What? Won't what?

You won't be off.

Not till you've
cleared up that bus.

But...

Nnow, you've been a
very good boy, Major,

So why don't you
just pop outside,

get some of them
soldier boys of yours

to give us another hand?

Oh, very well.

Right. Better get this
lot cleared up, then.

Who are you?

My name's Mary Phillips, ma'am.

I mean, what are you doing here?

LOUISA: How do you do?

My name's Mrs. Trotter,
of the Bentinck Hotel,

Duke Street, St. James, London,

and I'm here to open
a buffet for the troops.

I'm afraid this site has
already been requisitioned,

for Mrs. Farthing-Whitely
and the Army Overseas Buffets.

Will you fetch the major here,

in all his clobber?

Well, I'm very sorry
to hear that, I really am,

Mrs., um, Farthing...

Farthing-Whitely.

There seems to be
some misunderstanding,

but I shall be obliged if you
would leave here immediately.

I shall do no such thing!

I'm here, and I'm staying here.

That is, unless you and
your girl would care to join me

and work under me.

Captain Wyndham-Bragg,
Deputy Assistant Provost Marshal,

Port of Boulogne.

I have here an order

from the Adjutant-General's
department

requisitioning these premises

on behalf of Army
Overseas Buffets.

They want to
chuck us out, Major.

Major Smith-Barton,
17th Lancers,

King's messenger
and Military Assistant

to the Quartermaster General.

I have here an order signed
by General Sir John Cowans

requisitioning these premises
on behalf of Mrs. Trotter.

And I think that trumps
you on every point.

And stand to
attention and salute

when you meet
a superior officer.

And pray, what is to
be the name of this...

Buffet of yours, madam?

Oh, well, hasn't got
one yet...Oh, yes, it has.

I just remembered: Louisa's.

Very good.

We shall see.

Come, Mrs. Fitzsimmons.

No, I don't think I will.

I think I'll get
back to the hotel.

Very good.

I'm absolutely petrified
of that old battle-ax.

Here, don't I know you?

Aren't you old
Silly Billy's missis?

Yes. How clever of you
to remember, Mrs. Trotter.

Billy's over here...
he's on the staff...

so I thought I'd come
over and see if I could help.

Oh, that's nice. Help who? Her?

Well, yes. No, I
mean, well, anyone.

You, if you like.

Oh. Well, yes, I could do
with an extra pair of hands,

if you don't mind hard work.

I've never actually
worked before.

I think it'll be rather fun.

I'll just nip back to my villa
and get my pinny and things.

Oh, Mrs. Trotter? Puffin.

Puffin?

My name.

Oh! Yes, thanks.

Puffin?

Well, Major, you'll be getting

the V.C. Next, you will.

Oh, it was nothing, really.

and a packet of
woodies, please, miss.

Here we are.

That'll be tuppence
ha'penny, please.

Oh, are you Welsh?

Yes.

Hurry up, sarge,
or I'll tell the wife.

Ooh!

Tea?

Yes, please, love.

Tea and a wad, please.

Sorry?

Tea and a wad.

Uh, Mary will get you the
tea. We don't have wads.

Oh, that you do, sir.
That's your wad there.

Oh. Ah, splendid.

There's some as calls
them jammy wads.

Oh, good.

How much, sir?

Oh, whatever you like.
There's a box there.

There's your tea.

Thank you.

I'll give you a hand,
miss, if you like.

Oh, thanks.

I'm called Jock.

Mrs. Cochrane, we need
some more of them jammy wads.

Oh, you're learning fast, Major.

LOUISA: Oh! Who put that there?

PUFFIN: Oh, I'm sorry. I did.

It was so heavy, I...

Who are you?

Pritchard, there you are.

You've brought the car. Good.

Afraid I'll have to dash,
or I'll be late for dinner.

LOUISA: All right,
then, off you go.

Been such fun...
all those brave boys.

What did she say his
name was? Pilchard?

Ha ha ha ha!

Can I help, ma'am?

I'd started as a ledger clerk

in a bank before I joined up.

Oh, an expert, eh?

Yeah, you can give us a hand.

Everyone's a soldier these days.

Well, I was a volunteer.
I'm not a conscript.

There you are, then.
You can sort that lot out.

So you're not going on
leave with the rest of them?

No. I'm an orderly
up at the transit camp.

Too young to fight, was you?

I've done a bit of that.

Wounded, was you?

Yeah, just a scratch,
but it went a bit bad.

I've got a nice, cushy job
now, so I could come down

and help most
days if you'd like.

Oh, well, that's
nice. Thank you.

Well, Major, you can stop that.

You're off to London
on the next boat.

But I've still got a
week of my leave.

Well, that's why. You're
the only one I can send.

Here you are.

There's the list of
the stuff we need.

50 dozen potted meat?

One hundredweight best flour?

Just give it to
Merriman or Starr.

They'll get it sent
round the Bentinck.

But it'll never
all fit in the bus.

Oh, bugger the bus.

Need a couple
of lorries, at least.

You better get it fixed up
with that mate of yours, uh...

What's his name? Old "Cowhand".

General Sir John Cowans is
the Quartermaster General.

I know he is. I
always go to the top.

That's my motto.
Isn't it, Major?

It ain't worked out too
badly up till now, has it?

Well, no.

I mean, yes.

There.

I never knew a man yet

could sew on a button properly.

Thanks, Mary.

You know, the worst thing of all

is the dreary
boredom of it all...

in between the battles.

Nobody cares a damn.

Our machine gunners
used to fire off their guns

just to get some boiling
water to make tea with.

My brothers used to write back

quite cheery letters, sometimes.

Well, that's what we all do.

Well, if we didn't,
they'd be censored.

Oh, I see. What
did you do, then?

When?

I mean, with all that boredom,

couldn't you do something?

No. We'd just sit and smoke.

I used to try and think
of all the nice things

I could think of.

When we'd had stale
biscuits and fried bully beef

for the 20th time,

I'd try and remember
the smell of the bakery

next-door to us back home...

And the taste of the
baps and the tatty scones.

Baps and tatty scones?
I never heard of them.

Oh, they're grand!
And meally puddings.

Oh!

And when it was raining,
which it was most of the time,

and we were up to
our knees in mud,

I'd try and remember
some of the trips I'd been on,

like the paddleboat that
took us across to Arran.

Oh? Where's that?

It's on the Clyde... an island,

a big island with a
mountain on it called Goat Fell.

You can see it from
the beach back home.

When it was blue and hazy,
well, that meant good weather.

Meant we could go swimming.

I've never been swimming.

What, never? Never
been in the sea?

No. We didn't seem to
care very much for the sea.

Well, didn't you
ever go on an outing?

Only with the chapel.

LOUISA: Come on,
you two. Off to bed now.

You'll get put on
a charge, my lad,

if you don't get back to camp.

I'll put the lights
out and lock up.

Right-o. Personally, I
think it's a bit nippy in here.

I'm going to sleep in
me fur. Good night, all.

Sorry, sir. We
don't serve officers.

Well, why the devil
not? Damned poor show.

Lord Haslemere! Well, I never.

Mrs. Trotter will be surprised.

I hope so, Mary. Where is she?

LOUISA: No, they're
not ready yet, Mary,

so don't come in
here worrying me.

I'm everso sorry,
Mrs. Trotter.

Oh!

Oh, Charlie!

Oh, you didn't
half give me a turn!

Mrs. C., you finish
off them eggs for me.

Oh, well, I never
did. Fancy you.

I work over here.
Didn't you know?

Yes, so do we. Don't
we, Mrs. Cochrane?

It's 50 dozen eggs I've fried

since yesterday teatime.

Lord knows how
many sausage rolls.

How many of them
sausage rolls was there?

Uh, 4,200 this week so far.

Yeah, and God knows
how many sandwiches,

porridge, chips by
the hundredweight,

enough tea and coffee
to float the home fleet.

I think you're mad!

Yeah, so do we...
barking, the lot of us.

Mad but magnificent.

Oh! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

I've come to collect
a fresh detachment

from the holding battalion.

Oh, well, when they
come, they come in here.

They all come in here.

Well, they're not
due till tomorrow,

so I'm putting up
at the Hotel Louvre.

I was hoping you could come
have some dinner with me there.

Oh, well, no,
I'm sorry, Charlie.

I can't get away
from this place.

We're run off our feet
when the poor buggers

miss their leave boat.

MARY: Oh, we can manage
for one evening, ma'am,

now that we're organized.

Some of the
salvation army people

are coming in to help anyway.

You sure?

Of course she's sure.
Anyway, it's an order.

PUFFIN: We've been going
through the sugar like mad dogs!

Charlie Haslemere, good Lord!

CHARLIE: Hello, Puffin.

I didn't expect
to find you here.

Oh, don't you know?
I'm helping to run

this canteen with,
um, Mrs. Trotter.

You know Mrs.--
of course you do.

Yes, yes, we do.
Tell me, how's Billy?

Oh, my Billykins?

Oh, he's up to
something very important

at 4th corps headquarters.

Of course, he's done
his bit up at the front,

but being a regular, they
need him terribly badly

to plan everything.

He says all the new
people are such amateurs.

Oh, not you, Charlie...
not the Guards.

He gets most weekends down here,

but he always seems so...tired.

CHARLIE: Oh, that's bad luck.

What's good luck,
Charlie, is you turning up.

Now, listen. Venetia and
the duchess are having

a jolly little chemmy-party
tonight at Le Touquet.

Lots of jolly people coming...

Froggie and Monica,
and Juliet's over

to see Mousie, who
has an odd sort of wound,

if you ask me, but we
won't go into that now...

and I need a handsome
young man to escort me.

Oh, that does
sound nice, Charlie.

A really jolly evening.

Look, I'm terribly
sorry, Puffin,

but I'm afraid I've already
got myself booked up.

Not one of those
nurses, Charlie, I...

Oh, no, no. No, no.
Absolutely respectable.

I'm terribly sorry, of course.

Oh, so am I. I thought
I could rely on you.

Excuse me.

Give my regards to Billy,
and see you again soon.

PUFFIN: Yes!

Oh, you're a fool, you are.

Nice jolly chemmy-party with Venetia

and the duchess and, uh, Mousie.

Never know what
that might lead to.

Louisa, are you having
dinner with me or not?

It's Thursday. It'll
be slack tonight.

All right.

Good. I've ordered a
taxi to pick you up at 8:00.

Ordered?

Of course.

Cheeky.

Hmm, blimey.

I ain't got nothing to wear.

Smell like a chip shop.

I'll give you a hand.

Won't be the first time
I've been your lady's maid.

LOUISA: Oh, bloody!
It's gone me lughole!

Oh, sorry, madam.

PUFFIN: Oh! Um...

LOUISA: What's
the matter with you?

Look like you seen
a ghost or something.

Funny sort of place
to wash your hair.

We haven't all got maids

and villas to go to.

Just to say I won't
be in for a few days.

I've got to rush off to Paris
to do a bit of shopping. Night.

LOUISA: Good night.

Good riddance, I'd say.

It's not that I'm
a snob, not really,

but she's all pleshy,
is that Puffin...

not a brain in her head.

Cotton wool, more like.

After all this time,
she hardly knows

the difference between a
jam and a ham sandwich.

And she just can't
get it into her head

that 20 Woodbines costs 5 pence.

Yeah, well, when she comes back,

we'll hand her
back to that, uh...

what's her name?
Mrs. Farting-Brightly.

♪ There's a long,
long trail a-winding ♪

♪ into the land of my dreams, ♪

♪ Where the nightingales
are singing... ♪

Oh, yeah. That's
very nice, Mary.

I remember the last
time you did that for me.

I said you looked
like a duchess.

Well, you still do, ma'am.

Look more like a
housemaid on her night off.

I saw in the Tattler it's very
chic to dress simply this year,

and jewelry is
definitely in bad form.

All except badges.
Here's me little badge.

There.

JOCK: The taxi's
here, Mrs. Trotter.

Oh, thanks, Jock.

All right.

Ta.

MARY: Have a
lovely evening, ma'am.

Yes, do.

Thank you.

When was that
last time you told her

she looked like a duchess, Mary?

That was a long time
ago, Mrs. Cochrane...

before your time.

SOLDIERS: ♪ Two German
officers crossed the Rhine ♪

♪ Parlez-vous ♪

♪ Two German officers... ♪

Oh, they're not
singing that song!

♪ Two German officers
crossed the Rhine ♪

♪ plucked the girls
and drank the wine ♪

♪ Inky-blinky parlez-vous... ♪

I didn't quite
get that last line.

Was it "To pluck the girls"?

No, Mrs.
Farthing-Whitely, it was not!

Oh!

Merci, monsieur.
c'etait delicieux.

Monsieur, madame.

Yeah, that was a nice meal.

Mind you, I'm a bit off cooking.

After this, I don't think I
ever want to look a fried egg

in the eye again.

Put the light out
a minute, Charlie.

What on earth for?

Oh, nothing shocking.

Where's all that going on?

I...I should think
that's Bethune way.

Our gunners were
starting a bit of a show

just before I left.

That'll be the Boche countering.

How far is it?

40, 45 miles.

LOUISA: I watch it most nights.

Looks like a forest fire.

Yes, that no one seems
able or willing to put out.

We're here because we're here

because we're here.

Is that how you really feel
about the war these days?

We all do. There's
no point to it anymore.

It's just a huge,
idiotic waste of life.

No more the knight
in shining armor, eh?

He went west together
with his white horse

in a great big black
cloud of high explosive

somewhere near
Ginchy last September...

The day we lost 15
officers and 450 men.

I'm known as "Grandpa" now,

or "The old survivor."

I reckon you've earned yourself

a nice safe billet back home.

Blighty! A soldier's dream.

Did you know it was
Hindustani for "Home"?

Yeah, well, that's
not the point, is it?

No.

I couldn't leave,

not while I'm still in one piece

and I haven't cracked up yet.

I hate it, really, but
I couldn't leave it.

The battalion's the only
real thing to me anymore.

Even today, I keep wondering

what's happening there...

if the rations got up all right,

how Billy Knowles is doing.

Who's he?

Young officer. Just come out.

Joined my company last week.

Going on his first raid...

Just about now.

You're getting to
be like an old hen.

Yes.

So is it all in aid of
this spring offensive

they're all talking about?

Yeah, I suppose so.

Oh, they don't tell us anything.

We eat the air, rumored crammed.

LOUISA: Ah, well...

Perhaps it is only rumor, then.

Oh, no.

No, there's always an
offensive every year.

Like the snowdrops, you know.

Oh, nothing like
being shelled like hell

and sprayed with
machine-gun bullets

to get the winter...
..shivers out of your bones.

Good for morale,
says the general.

Oddly enough, it is.

We're all feeling
chirpier already.

Mind you, anything
is better than sitting

in the cold, shivering,
being sniped at,

cursing the news.

And politicians and
profiteers and pacifists.

And bishops.
They're the latest hate.

Especially the one
who talks about

death in battle as
the great adventure.

Why don't you write to him,
give him a good bollocking?

He wouldn't
understand. He couldn't.

I couldn't even tell
you all these things

if we were in London.

I know I couldn't.

It's only because
this place is a sort of...

..no-man's land for both of us.

Yeah. Well, you was
always good at writing.

Yes, but not the truth...

Not even part of it.

I mean, not what I
really think, that is.

I suppose because life has

become rather precarious,

every second seems so important.

I regret what a stuffy,
useless, selfish fellow

I used to be.

Oh, you wasn't.

I was, really. Everything I did

was for my own enjoyment.

Well, we were all the
same. I was just the same.

Yeah, things have changed now.

Let's hope a bit for the better.

But it's...pathetic
that it's taken a...

..stupid, brutal war,

scores of my own men killed,

terribly wounded.

I mean, the incredible
endurance and...

..courage there is in people...

..and unselfishness.

Certainly their example
that's kept me going.

Sorry, jawing like this.
Must be the brandy.

Here. Remember them wire cutters

you asked me to
get in your letter?

Oh, yes.

I got them from the
army and navy stores.

I was going to get the major,

well, seeing as you're here...

Oh, marvelous!

You know, they're
absolutely the best.

Make all the
difference. Thank you.

Hey, you must be awfully tired.

The taxi will be waiting.

I'll come and see
you in the morning.

There ain't no taxi.

I stopped him.

I thought...

You haven't any night things.

Well, got me sables of sin.

Got me own skin, come to that.

Ain't that good enough for you?

Bleeding parky down
that bloody buffet,

I tell you.

It's not often I get a
nice, cozy viscount

to keep me warm.

Ooh!

Feather bed? I ain't
slept in one of them

since I was a kid.

Oh, yeah. That's nice and soft.

Goose feathers, eh?

Oh, lovely. Bet there's
a few punaises about.

Punaises? What are they?

Bed bugs. French for bed bugs.

Big, fat, juicy bed bugs.

They don't half
make a meal of it.

I won't stay if you
don't want me to.

I want you to stay very much,

more than anything in the world.

I don't exactly read
"Welcome" on the mat.

Well, it's...

It's just that I thought that
long ago, we'd agreed...

..well, to be great friends,

and leave it at that.

To frame our love so that
we could look back on it.

Yeah, well,

always take things
down out their frames

and dust them down a bit.

Well, it was a pretty
silly, tricky thing

to say anyway.

Just seemed like the
best thing at the time,

seeing the fix we was in.

It worked all right for a bit.

What I didn't reckon

was that you're
like the toothache.

I can't get rid of
the thought of you.

And now, well, like you said,

well, every second's precious,

and this is Tom
Tiddler's ground.

Well, I just thought
I'd best not...

Pull the wool?

Yeah.

I ain't never been
unfaithful to you.

Not once. Cross me heart.

We must be mad!

Wasting all these years.

No. No, we had to wait.

I had to get the
hotel out me system.

Well, things are different now.

I had to be sure.

I was always sure.

No, I mean sure of me, not you.

And now... Will you marry me?

Yeah.

When it's all over,

when the guns have stopped.

If we're still here...

If you still want me to.

But I've always wanted you to.

Yeah, I know, but
have you thought?

Have you really thought?

I mean, when you
take me up to Yorkshire,

all them toffee-nosed
Yorkshire ladies saying,

"Poor Charlie, he's
really copped it this time.

"Got caught by that common
cook woman from London

been at him for years."

Louisa, you're jumping
your fences too far ahead.

Well, they've got to
be jumped sometime.

We don't have to
live at Bishopsleigh.

Yes, we do. It's your home.

Your people up
there on your estate,

they miss you.

It's your duty to
look after them.

They need you as much as I do.

Let's stop doing things

because of what
other people think.

Just tonight, I'm
going to do what I think.

Nice lot of boys in tonight,
especially them Aussies.

But their language! Enough
to set the place on fire.

Worse than Mrs. Trotter,
and that's saying something.

Still, they don't
mean any harm by it.

Oh, Mrs. Trotter's late.

You go to bed, Mrs. Cochrane.

I'll lock up.

Right. I'll take
me cocoa with me.

Hope she won't be too late.

You really want to know,

I don't think she'll be back.

I knew he was special,
but I didn't know...

she had that look in her eye.

Hadn't seen it for years.

Well, well.

Well, good luck to
them, that's what I say.

- Night, Mary.
- Night.

9 pounds, 4 shillings,
and threepence.

Thanks, Jock.

Mary?

Yes?

I might not be able
to get in tomorrow.

Well, it doesn't matter.

In fact, I might not be
back for quite a while.

You been posted?

Yeah, that's right.

I'm off for the draft
in the morning.

Oh, we'll miss you.

Any cocoa left?

Yes, of course.

I'd just like to say, Mary...

Well, I've never met
a girl like you before.

I mean, you're just a saint.

Oh, come on.

Well, it's true, honest it is.

MARY: There we are.

You saw me take
that money, didn't you?

Yes.

I've never stolen a penny

in my life before... never.

Here, I'll give it to you back.

No. Keep it if
you need it, Jock.

We owe you a lot more than that.

I just wish you'd
asked for it, that's all.

Well, I couldn't.

Well, why ever not?

Mary, I know you'll
not tell on me...

But you see, I've
been lying all this time.

Well, I'm not...

Mary, I'm a deserter.

But, Jock...

You mean you ran away?

Well, there's plenty
that do that, they say,

and not always to blame.

There's a few of us here,

mostly living rough
by the south basin.

Some froggies as well.

What happened?

Oh, come on, Jock.
You can tell me.

Well, we were in one
of the new divisions.

We got pushed up in
the Somme battle last July.

Nobody knew what it was like.

We were pathetic, just a mob.

Well, we had to
go and hold a wood.

That was the orders.

We'd hardly arrived

when they shelled us like hell

and the officer was killed

and it was bloody chaos.

Raining and misty.

So we got on this trench
at the edge of the wood,

and...there was dead Jerries

and our dead blokes
all over the place.

A lot of Taffies.

Only it could have been

your brother's lot, Mary.

Anyway, an officer comes along

and says we're to hold the line.

Well, there was only 3 of us.

And there was a sergeant,

wounded in the trees...

Groaning.

So we set out to get him,

but he was bad off
and said to shoot him.

We couldn't do that.

And just then,

there was a crack someplace...

And my mate Hamish...

Got it here.

So I got back in the trench,
and it was getting dark,

and they began
to stonk it like hell.

Two Irish blokes ran along,

saying that the
Jerries were coming

and they'd had
orders to scoot out of it.

So I just legged it after them.

Ran and ran like
hell in a real panic.

Well, when light came,

I was away back
among my old lines,

without my rifle
and most of my kit.

And I just sat there
in a sort of daze.

Well, they'd told us the order.

"Desertion in the
face of the enemy:

"Court-martial, firing squad.

No excuses."

Is that true?

It's true, all right.
They're shooting them

up at the bull-ring
every morning, and...

I was a bloody idiot.

See, if I'd gone back
to an officer then,

I might have got away with it.

But the thought of that wood...

Can't you get on a ship or
something, get back home?

Well, that's what most
of them try and do.

But I couldn't go home, Mary.

See, my mother's not well,

and my father's very strict.

Very strict. He'd
not stick for it.

His own son?

Anyway, it's too late.

Well, the bloody MPs
picked me up today

wanting to see my paybook.

I said it was up at
a hut in the camp.

Well, they've got me.

I mean, they've got me number.

They could pick me up anytime.

I've got to run for it.

Well, I...I'd best
scoot off now, eh?

I think you'd best
spend the night here.

They'll get you in the end,
Jock. You know they will.

You've nowhere else to go.

You'll be safe here,
and in the morning,

when the major comes down
from Saint Omer, we'll ask him.

He'll know what
to do for the best.

But he's an officer,
and you want me

to trust him with my life?

You trusted me with it, Jock.

Now, come on. I'll
find you some blankets.

I mean, after all he's
done for us, Major.

And he's so young.

No, Mary. I mean, there's
absolutely nothing I can do.

Well, you could
see him, talk to him.

That would be
better than nothing.

Here, I had a letter from Starr.

Hotel's ready to
open Monday week.

Got to get back.

Yes, of course, but
what about this place?

Oh, I've fixed that.

Salvation's going
to take it over.

I'm not having that woman
here, and I want that official,

from that general of yours.

Understood.

All right, Major?

I'll remember.
I'll write it down.

MAN: Hey, Mrs. Trotter,
can we have some more tea?

Yeah, all right, all
right, I'm coming.

Major, about Jock?

Where is he?

Over there, in the storeroom.

I'm very sorry.

There's nothing I can do.

You know what I think?

Sir?

Face the music, eh?

Best way.

Only way, really.

Yes, sir.

Wretched war.

How old are you, Jock?

18, sir.

How old were you
when you joined up?

Not quite 17, sir.

Hmm. Well, that's
to your credit.

Yes, sir.

I'll see what I can do.
I'll be about an hour.

Oh, hello, Major.
You seen the general?

That was quick.

No, but I shall quite soon.

Well, don't forget.

No. I've tied a knot
in my handkerchief.

Tomorrow morning, you'll
get on the 11:00 leave boat.

I can't get you a
pass or anything,

but I'm going on the boat.

You can carry
some of my luggage,

follow me up the gangway.

If you're caught,
I won't know you.

I can't get involved.

No, sir. Of course not.

When you get to Folkestone,
get hold of some civvies,

go to the recruiting
depot, and enlist.

Give them your
real name and age.

When you've sworn the
oath, tell the officer the truth...

everything.

Everything?

Yes. Make it quite clear
that you were underage

when you first joined up.

With any luck, there'll only be

some sort of brief inquiry.

There have been several
cases like this recently,

and we are very
short of soldiers.

That's all I want,
sir, a second chance.

I hope you get it.

It's a 50-50 chance, I'd say.

Meanwhile, you'd
better stay here, all right?

Right, sir.

Thanks, Mary.

Good luck!

LOUISA: Major!

I'm just off.

You're too blooming
late! Look at this.

What's that?

Order of the bleeding boot.

Official, that's what that is.

Good Lord. "Passes canceled.

Leave the war zone by Friday."

It's from one of your
mates up at headquarters.

It's the Adjutant-General.
It's nothing to do with me.

Very important chap.
Can't argue with him.

Well, if you can't, I can.

But, Louisa, you're
going back anyway.

Yeah, I know, but on me
own terms, not like this.

This...agitator general,
whatever he's called.

I've been sitting down
here since Christmas.

When am I going
to see the general?

When he's disengaged.

Now, listen here...

I'll have you know, madam,

that you're very lucky
to be seeing him at all.

Well, it's important.
It's serious.

That is as may be,

but civilian complaints
are usually handled

by one of his deputies

after they've been
stated in writing

and giving at least
a week's notice.

I ain't got a week,
and that's his fault.

And if I don't get satisfaction,

I shall go up to
General Haig himself!

And you can tell your
general that from me.

The general will see
you now, madam.

Please be as brief as
possible. He's a very busy man.

Mrs. Trotter, sir.

GENERAL: All right,
thank you, Fortescue.

Well, Mrs. Trotter, and
what are your complaints?

That you are turning
me out of France

without rhyme or reason,
and not one word of th...

Louisa!

Soapy!

Soapy Joe!

Well, I never did!

My dear Louisa! I had no idea.

How was I to connect
this troublesome ogre

of Mrs. Trotter running a
canteen in Boulogne with you?

Well, how indeed?

Here, you've come up
in the world, ain't you?

Worst job in the
army, discipline.

Discipline. Yeah, that's
funny, coming from you.

Well, of course, you've only
seen me at play, haven't you?

Tell me, now, what
is all this about?

I don't know. That's
what I'm asking you.

Well, I haven't
the foggiest idea.

I just sign things. Ha!

Well, come on. I
mean...do sit down.

Oh, right.

Ta.

Now, then, let's
look at the file

and see what all this is.

Ha ha! Well, this
is extraordinary.

Oh, here we are.
Now, it is alleged,

Mrs. Trotter, that you are a
bad influence on the troops,

prejudicial to good order
and military discipline

in that, on many occasions,

you did use foul language
yourself in your canteen.

What, me? Use foul language?

Ha ha ha! Unheard of.

Secondly, that on one occasion,

you washed your
hair in the sink.

Oh...yeah.

That's that
Puffin, telling tales.

Hmm.

And thirdly, that you
are an immoral woman

in that you spent the
night in the Hotel Louvre

with an officer.

Here, what happened
to that little girl

you brought back the hotel...

you remember, when
you was last on leave,

when your wife
was up in Scotland?

That little dancer
from the Hippodrome?

Oh! Yes...

What a little darling!

My, my. Yes.

Oh, dear. Well, bunkum!

Louisa, I'm sorry
about all this.

Oh, it don't matter.

What about a little
drop of whiskey?

Yeah, I wouldn't say no.

Nobody ever tells me anything.
I don't know what goes on.

Some blithering
idiot of a minion...

I'll tell you his name and all.

Captain windy-bags.

Windy... Not that
chap Wyndham-Bragg?

That's him.

Good Lord!

Well, what shall we do with him?

Send him back to England?

No. Why don't we let
him bully his own sex

for a change, the German
sort, up at the front?

Good idea. And what about
that woman who seems

to have been somewhat
jealous of you?

Mrs. Farting-Brightly.

Mrs. Farting... ha
ha ha! I like that!

What shall we do with her?

Send her back to Surrey
where she came from?

And you can pack off
a Mrs. Billy Fitzsimmons

and all, goes by
the name of Puffin.

You'll find her in
the Ritz Hotel, Paris.

Splendid. And you can
stay as long as you like.

From what I hear, you're
doing a marvelous job.

Oh, no, no. I'm off anyway.

Got to get the old
hotel shipshape

for when you next come on leave.

Then I'm going to
hand the whole caboodle

over to Sally Ann.
They're a good lot.

Here, you better have this,

while we're about it.

420 pounds?

Profit. All voluntary.
Couldn't help making it.

But that's marvelous!

Now, you spend it
on the soldiers, mind —

not brandy and cigars
for you and General Haig.

Ha ha ha! I promise.

Well, maybe just one cigar, eh?

Yeah, well, I better get off,

let you get on with the war.

Ha ha ha! I wish
you'd stay, Louisa.

You know, with you at the helm,
we might actually win the war!

Yeah. Oh, Soapy...

GENERAL: Oh,
um, by the way, uh...

I believe I still owe you

a little bit, Louisa,

for that last
party in the hotel.

Oh, don't you worry
about that, Soapy.

We'll leave that till
you've won the war.

Ha ha ha!

All right, Fortescue,

I'll see Mrs.
Trotter to her car.

Yes, sir.

LOUISA: All right.
There you are, then.

Good luck, and watch
out for the bad language.

All right. Come along, then.

MEN: ♪ For she's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ for she's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ and so say all of us ♪

♪ And so say all of us, ♪

♪ and so say all of us. ♪

♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ for she's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ and so say all of us ♪

♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ for she's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ and so say all of us ♪

♪ And so say all of us ♪

♪ and so say all of us ♪

♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ for she's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ and so say all of us ♪

Bye-bye! Ta!

God bless you, boys!

LOUISA: What do
you think of that, then?

MARY: It's really
lovely, isn't it?

MRS. COCHRANE: Something
to treasure, that is.

Yeah, we'll frame
that, hang it on the wall.

And all done by us
women without their help.

What about Jock?
He helped, didn't he?

Had a letter from him today.

They've taken him back.

Oh, that's good, Mary.

And what about the major?

He was the biggest help of all.

MAJOR: I say,
what's that about me?

Oh, we was just saying, uh,

what a lovely chap
you was, Major.

Look at that.

Very impressive. You deserve it.

Incidentally, Louisa, you
seem to have impressed

the powers that be.

Chief of staff wants to know
if you'd be willing to allow

part of this hotel to become

a convalescent home
for wounded officers.

Oh, how about that, then?

What do you two think?

Why not?

Why not, indeed?

We done our bit for the tommies.

Now it's the turn
of the officers.

That's going to need
a deal of organizing.

We're going to need
camp beds, mattresses,

and pillows...now,
that's your job, Major.

Don't forget!

Now, Mary, you can deal
with the linen and the blankets.

We're going to need
some pretty girls.

Well, I'll look after that.

How about having
old Joanna in the hall

for a sing song, eh?

We're going to need
a lot of booze and all.

Yeah, well, that will
keep everybody busy.

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