The Duchess of Duke Street (1976–1977): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Passing Show - full transcript

Charlie Haslemere, now a widower, is in residence at the Bentinck but is feeling somewhat blue. Louisa suggests that he re-engage with life and get on with it. A pompous actor, Sir Martin Mallory is also in residence and takes a fancy to one of the hotel staff, Violet, who has had stars in her eyes since his first visit. He seduces her and Louisa fires her when she catches them in bed. With no money and without a reference, she takes to walking the streets but soon finds herself in police custody. Louisa reconsiders after a visit from Inspector Jason. Britain finds itself at war with Germany.

Good morning, Starr.

Morning, madam.

Oh, your mail, madam.

Don't forget Sir Martin's

coming tonight.

Fred and I will
not forget, madam.

5:30, the big entrance.

Who's this, then?

Good morning.

Morning, Louisa. Morning, Starr.

My lord.

And what are you off to do

this bright and shiny morning?

I said I might go
and see a fellow

about an idea I had
for Margaret's memorial.

I'd rather like to
talk to you about it.

Time for a cup of coffee?


Thank you, milord.

Thank you, Merriman.

And don't forget Sir
Martin Mallory's wine

in his room.

Oh, no, ma'am. Never forget.

Oh. Is he coming back again?

Yeah, doing his Hamlet...

Though you look more like Hamlet

than he does.

He's really rather
an old charlatan.

Oh, I don't know.

He does try to give people

their money's worth,

bit of a laugh, bit of a cry.

That can't be too
easy night after night,

especially in this heat.

It's all right for
cricket or bathing.

Isn't it about time

you was off on
your cricketing week

up in Yorkshire?

I've chucked this
year, I'm afraid.

Oh, that's a pity.


You got to go back
sometime, you know.

Yes, of course, but not yet.

Margaret would be everywhere.

Funnilly enough, one of
the things she simply loved

was village cricket.

Used to score for us.

Made everyone laugh.

Well, it's nice to have
some happy memories.

Go on, then. Open
it. Don't mind me.

Oh, I know what it is.

They've asked me to become
a gentleman usher at court.

What's that...sort of
glorified Merriman?

It's a part-time courtier...

On duty at royal functions...
garden parties, court balls,

diplomatic occasions.

Old Johnny Farjeon's behind it,

trying to be kind.

Well, congratulations.

I'm going to excuse myself.

I don't feel up to it.

Most likely, Johnny's
getting sick and tired

of you wandering about the place

spreading gloom and despondency

wherever you go.

I know a lot of
your friends are.

I know I am.

I'm very sorry.

And if the king
does you the honor

to ask you to help out,

I think it's an
insult to refuse.

You're a bleeding
viscount, aren't you?

Doesn't that give you
any responsibilities?

It's really absolutely
none of your business.

Oh, yes, it is. For one thing,

you're turning this
place into a morgue

just by being here.

Worse than having
Queen Victoria around.

Then I'll leave.


It wasn't your fault

Margaret done herself in.

Of course it was. Who else's?

It wasn't no one's.

It was the way she was.

Poor thing couldn't
face up to life.

It was something wrong in here.

I married her.

For better or for worse.

Don't you remember what we said

in this very room?

You pays your money...

Marriage is a
lottery. It's chancy.

I think the major's got a
better chance of winning,

putting his money on the ponies.

Now, don't say
you should forget it.

You won't never forget it,

not if you're a human being.

But that's not
wrong. That's right.

You might even be better for it.

"Tempered in the
fierce furnace of life."

Yeah, that's right.

And memorials is
all right, in their way.

That's respectful and nice...

But not when they're
memorials to your own misery.

That way, you get to
be like poor Margaret.

Well, what shall I do?

I really don't want to
go back to Yorkshire.

Well, you don't have to.

I mean, chuck off
them clothes for a start.

Go and get something nice.

Get back into life. If it
was me, I'd buy a new hat.

Go out and do
something, anything.

Here you are.

"Learn to dance the new way,

the modern way,
the American way."


"Learn to fly a hot-air balloon.

"Feel the thrill
of being lighter

than the aether."


Well, I must get flying
the Louisa Trotter way.

I got more on this month

than I've had since
the coronation.

Good afternoon, milady, milord.

Good afternoon, Starr.

Nothing like tea
to cool you down.

That's what the old hands

used to say in India.

Oh, yes, sir.

I see Bombardier Wells

gave that Australian fellow

a good thrashing last night.

Right hook to the
chin second round.

That's the way I used to do it.

Ah, footwork...that's
the secret of it, sir.

Footwork and timing. Yeah, yeah.

It's almost 5:30, ma'am.

Yeah, all right. I'll be there.

He'll have his
audience, as always.

He'll be here soon.

Well, I don't suppose
he'll come in here

to see you, will he?

He's never done before when
he's been staying here, has he?

No, he hasn't, but, then,

he hasn't had cause
to notice me before.

Perhaps if I was
to make an excuse

and go through the
hall when he comes...

Look, Violet, even if you
do, he won't notice you,

so don't be so daft.

You're always dreaming,
that's your trouble.

What else is there to do?

Late on parade, is he?

If he'd been in the army,

we'd have had him on a charge,

wouldn't we, Starr?

Can't quite imagine
Sir Martin in the army.

Oop! Fred, on your
feet, lad. Curtain up.

Starr! Greetings!

Good afternoon, Sir Martin.

And the major.

Ohh... Keeping fit?

And where is my lady?

How are you, then, Sir Martin?

Dear lady...

Always happy when I
arrive to play London.

As I come to the last act,

I quote the bard to myself:

"Shall I not take mine
ease at mine inn?

And can hardly wait!"

You look as charming as ever.

Oh, thank you, Sir Martin.

And how's your Hamlet going?

Don't speak of it! A
disastrous matinee!

A bunch of mealy-mouthed mummers

who should be
picking hops in Kent...

And an Ophelia who should
have been drowned at birth

to have saved
Shakespeare the trouble.

Dear lady, let
us to your parlor.

I have much gossip.

LOUISA: Now, Sir Martin,
you know I never gossip.

In my line of business,
it's more the life's worth.

SIR MARTIN: Nevertheless,
I have heard things

about mutual acquaintances that
should make your ears prick up.

Actors are all right in
their place, I always say...

..their place being on the stage.

And that one's a
conceited counter jumper

if ever I saw one.

I think my lady

is quite capable of
handling Sir Martin.

Yes, very likely,

but a cad's a cad,
I was always taught,

whatever profession
he may pursue.

He noticed me,
Mary. I swear he did!

Don't know what you
see in him, myself.

He's so handsome, mind.

I used to cut out
all his pictures

at home and stick
them in a scrapbook.

Think I fell in love
with him when I was 12.

He was probably a bit
younger, then, wasn't he?

He's knocking on a bit now.

Doesn't stop him being a
lovely man, though, does it?

Who's she on about?

MARY: Oh, she's
got stars in her eyes

over Sir Martin.

She won't be the first.

If I was you, my girl, I'd
gaze on him from afar.


And she said that
the trouble with dining

at that particular
theatrical restaurant

was that it was much the same

as eating breakfast
off a dirty eiderdown.

Yeah, I know the place.
She was quite right.

They serve crow
and call it chicken.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, how've you been, Sir Martin?

Oh, ma'am...aging.

Oh, come on. You
can still fill the place.

Oh, yes, they still
come and see me,

but the time is coming near

when they won't want
to see an aging Hamlet.

Probably the only part
left for me will be King Lear.

Oh, come on. Cheer up.

There you are. Have some brandy.

Lady, for this
relief, much thanks.

'tis bitter hot, and
I am sick at heart.

God, you got a hundred years

of fluttering breasts
ahead of you.

God bless you, ma'am.

Your health.

Oh, it's not good, Major.

Buskin the winner,
Rocky Law, second.

What about mine?

Florissa was last, I'm afraid.


But if you will bet

on Maiden 2-year-old
selling prices...

It's the only way
to get decent odds

at Newmarket.

Oh, hello, Charlie.

Hello, Major. Mrs.
Trotter in her room, Starr?

Oh, yes, my lord.
She has a visitor, sir.

Our most distinguished
knight of the boards.

missed his entrance!

There'll be plenty more.

- SIR MARTIN: Merriman!
- MAJOR: See what I mean?

I'm going to have
my little snooze.

Send my tea up
at 6:30, would you?

I have to be at the theater

a little earlier tonight.

Yes, sir.

And the widow...

The Veuve Clicquot's
beside your bed, sir.

God bless the merry
widow and all her suitors!

MERRIMAN: Do you want
me to open it for you, sir?

No, thank you.
I've had many years

seducing or being
seduced by the widow.

I think I can manage it
again, eh, Mrs. Trotter?

My Lord Haslemere!

Sir Martin.




Poor old bugger.

He's right and he's getting old.

Aren't we all?

And why are you looking like
the cat that's got the cream?

Well, you know how much
I respect you, Mrs. Trotter.

Come on. I've got a
good sense of humor,

but don't push me too far.

I've taken your advice, Louisa.

Not the hot air balloon?

Oh, ha! No, no.

No, but I have learned to dance,

the modern way,
the American way.

You haven't!

I have, and I bought
you a little present.

Oh! Surprise, surprise.

Oh, you are nice.

Shall I put one on?

What are they, then?

Well, take your pick...
bunny hug, turkey trot.


What about tomorrow, eh, Starr?

Uh, Moratz

for the Duke of
Cambridge Handicap...

What? I can't hear a damn word.

What the devil is that din?

I couldn't say, Major.

Something His Lordship
got ahold of, I suppose.

Hmm. I hope we don't
have too much of it.

Enough to give one
a sick headache.

LOUISA: God's truth.

Bleeding Ijinsky, you are.

Look, less of a chat.
Come on, Louisa.

Oh, I don't consider this

very ladylike, you know?

Come on. Let... Very
good for the figure.

Now, follow me
around the room. Ok?

Do I have to stick
me arse out as well?

Well, it's not
obligatory. Come on.

You're a turkey, not a chicken.

Oh, thank you. Oh!

Now, we'll try a
different set now.

Arms on me shoulders,

and then you go
back with your right leg

and then forward
to me. All right?

Dee dee. And... To me.

That's it. Arms going.

Oh, it's quite saucy, that.

Hey, Mrs. Trotter!

Mrs. Trotter!

What do you want?
Can't you see I'm working?

The bishop will
be arriving soon.

Oh, barley water and
biscuits in his room.

Push off here.

You'll have to
show me that again.

All right. Arms on my shoulders.

Arms on your shoulders.

Ok. And...

1, 2...ooh, yeah. I like that.


Oh, yeah. Very nice.

What on earth's
happening in there?

It's that new gramophone.

It's driving them mad,
stark staring mad.

Drive us all mad, if you ask me.

This used to be
a nice quiet hotel.

If that goes on much longer,

it will soon be a
nice empty one.



1, 2, 3.

I thought turkeys went
"gobble, gobble," anyway.

Here. I'm picking
this up ever too quick.

And sway.

1, 2.

1, 2.

1, 2.


There's Sir Martin's
tea ready now,

Mr. Merriman.

can't do 2 things at once.

The bishop comes first.

Sir Martin's a
knight, after all.

But the bishop's a lord.

Takes precedence over a baron,

let alone a knight bachelor.

I'll take the tea
up to Sir Martin.

Not your job, young woman.

Oh, go on, Mr. Merriman.

Let her see her hero

at close quarters for once.

Oh, all right.

Hee hee!

You might get a
bit of a surprise.

No makeup and trying to
sober up a bit after his wine,

lying face down as per
usual, I shouldn't wonder.

Sir Martin.


Your tea.


Who are you, my child?

Violet, sir.


Violetta, my little flower.

Yes, sir.

Pray, put it over there,

would you, Miss Violet?

Certainly, sir.

Could you perhaps pour?

Certainly, sir.

Will you take a dish of tea

with me, Miss Violet?

There's only one
cup, Sir Martin.

Then you shall have it.

No. you have the cup.

I can drink out of the saucer

like me father did.

Did your father drink
out of the saucer?

So did mine.

Put them there.

All right, then.

Good afternoon, your grace.

Good afternoon, Starr.

Ah, my dear, old friend.

What merry music.

And how are you, Major?

Bishop, what brings you to town?

Oh, up for Henley.

Used to stroke Univ., you know.

Did you, by jove?

That's it! Sporting Bishop!


3:00, Worcester, tomorrow.

Coming, Bishop!

Go round and round
until you're dizzy.

Keep it up. Only
a few more bars.

Oh, blimey, Charlie.
I'm getting dizzy.

Oh, God!

Ha ha ha! Right.

Shall we try the bunny hug now?

Oh, blimey, no.

Me feet are nearly
worn out already.

The whole room's going round.

Oh, it's lovely, though.
Thank you, Charlie.

3 scrapbooks.

Well, there are other
actors in them, mind,

but they're mostly of you.

Why me?

Oh, I don't know, really.

Have you ever seen me act?

No. I've never
been to the theater.

Only the pantomime up back home.

Then you shall,

tonight, this very night.

I don't know if I can
get time off tonight.

It's valid for
whenever you wish.

But I would like to think

that you were in
the theater tonight.

I would know then there was

someone I was acting for,

instead of simply doing it

to pay off my debts.

Oh, I'll try and get there.

I'd like to see you act.

In which case, I
might, for once,

give a good performance.

I'd have thought you always
gave good performances

or you wouldn't be so famous.

My child, in 2 hours,

that awful curtain
is going to rise.

There will be people in
the audience who will say,

"Oh, but he's getting old,"

or, "he's not what he was,"

or, "so-and-so is doing
it better these days."

And I will be living in limbo,

hating the curtain
to rise because

I don't know if
that is my reality...

And hating it fall,

because once
leaving the stage door,

I don't know if
that is reality either.

Do you understand that?


No. Because you
have lived your life

in a real world

and not one of paint and canvas.

Do you have time for
another dish of tea?

Oh, well...


Come in.

Sir Martin, it...

It's time you left
for the theater, sir.

Oh, thank you, Merriman.

Violet, you're wanted
below stairs immediately.

SIR MARTIN: Mr. Starr!

The grand departure.

I suppose if you've got a voice

that carries to the Strand,

you can order a
taxi in Maida Vale.

Ah! A cabriolet, my dear sir.

Be here in a moment, Sir Martin.

I've ordered you one.

God bless you,
ever-constant Starr.

Trouble is, horse cabs
are becoming a bit antique

in London nowadays, along
with the horses and the cabbies.

I'm late. Delays have
dangerous ends.

Yes, sir.

Please... For my sake... there.

Your cab, Sir Martin.

Thank you, Starr.

Come on, goggle-eyes.
quick march.

If you ask me,

that girl's walking
into trouble.

Please, Mary!

It's not your night.
Thursday's your usual night.

But it doesn't have to be.

Couldn't I swap?

All the beds are turned down

and the linen done.

Perhaps I better
ask Mrs. Trotter.


Well, where are you going?

Penny in the pound,

she's going to the theater.

The theater? You?

I've been invited to see Hamlet.


Oh, well, I don't
know, I'm sure.

Please, Mary. I'll
never get another chance.

I've got a free ticket, you see.

I'm sure you have.

Oh, please!

Oh, all right, then.

But don't be back late.

No, I won't. Thank you, Mary.


Women should keep
themselves to themselves.

I don't believe in women going

to the theater on their own,

any more than walking

down Piccadilly after midnight.

Uh, stars in her eyes,
and him twice her age.

Eh, but there's no
accounting for girls,

as you well know, Mr. Starr.

There you are, then...

Oh. Wonderful.

Do you have to wear
a special uniform?

Oh, yes. Very special. Very Expensive.

It's really more like
a glorified footman

than a glorified Merriman.

Oh, I could use a glorified
footman some evening,

if the king will spare you.

Oh. Poor old tailor's
having to work overtime

to get everything ready.

What's the rush?

Well, the newest
extra gentleman usher

to the royal household
is to make his debut

at the court ball of the 18th.

Oh, Charlie, I wish
I could be there.

Here. I'll tell
you what I'll do,

'cause you're such a good boy.

How about me doing you a dinner,

something special first.

You can invite Billy
and Puffin Fitzsimmons,

some of your other friends,
and I'll cook it meself.

Oh, no. Look. You
really shouldn't bother.

I know what a lot
you've got on this month.

I will. I want to.

Well, that will be lovely.


Good night.

Sleep well.

I think I will.

First time for ages.

Come in.

Are you tired, Sir Martin?


I came to see you tonight.

Yes. I knew you were there.

Was it a good performance?

It was beautiful.

Mr. Merriman said
you take brandy

after your performance.

Not from choice. From necessity.

Would you pour me some?

Was it...a good performance?

Made me cry.

Then it was.

Take some brandy
with me, mademoiselle.

From the goblet.

Pray...sit down.

Why did you... Hamlet...

Talk to that skull?

He was holding the
skull of a dead friend,

someone he had lost.

He was remembering the past

and the days

that were filled
with laughter...

Younger days.

That's what I thought.

Then you understood it.

What would you say

was the purpose of the moon?

Oh, I don't know. Purpose?


And neither does anybody.

It has no purpose.

One shouldn't ask questions

to which there are no answers.

I don't know what you mean.

And that is your beauty.

How did you know I was
in the theater tonight?

I don't know...

Any more than I could explain

the purpose of the moon.

It doesn't warm us like the sun,

but it shines.

Would you comfort me?


Like a girl.

Stop me feeling old.

I think you should go to bed.


Stop being Hamlet

and start being me, hmm?

Help me.

I was, in my youth,
in love with a girl.

Being an artist,
a poet, or actor,

or whatever it is I am,

I was not acceptable.

So we parted.

Her name was Jenny.

"Jenny kissed me when we met,

"jumping from the
chair she sat in;

"Time, you thief, who love to get

"Sweets into your list,

put that in!"

Did you love her?


The only one I ever did love.

- a boy from Cork

hoping to make
his way in the world.

Well, I'd best go.



Comfort me.

Comfort me with small apples

and laughter in the dark.

Why me?

Because you are beautiful.

Not just the beauty
you see in mirrors.

LOUISA: Nobody answer the bell

in this hotel no more?

I said, don't nobody
answer the bell?

No, ma'am. Er...yes, ma'am.

3 bags full, ma'am.
where's my milk?

Uh, here... Here it is, ma'am...

Have you taken up

Sir Martin's medicinal brandy?

Oh, yes, yes.

Oh, yes. I'll bet you haven't.

Yes, I have. Violet took it up.

Vi-Violet took it up?

Well, yes, you see,
she'd been to the theater

to see Sir Martin in Hamlet...

What are you blathering about?

Violet go to the theater?

Well, where's Mary?

Gone to bed when Violet came in.

Well, where's Violet?

Oh, couldn't say, ma'am.

Oh, you stupid,
lazy, dozy old idiot.

What did you let Violet
take up his brandy for?

She wanted to compliment him

on his performance. I...

It's your job, Merriman,

to see Sir Martin
gets his brandy.

I'm going to give that
girl some compliments,

the compliments
of the house. Mine!


Good night, Sir Martin.

I'll keep an eye
on those, Violet.

Thank you, Mr. Starr.

It's bad, Fred.


Right. There's your money

to the end of the week.

Yes, madam. Thank you, madam.

And you can push off now.

Could I have a reference,
please, madam?

A reference? What
kind of a reference?

Handy at jumping into
bed with the guests?

I never done it before, madam.

I should bleeding hope not.

He was so sad and lonely.

You could spend half your life

jumping into bed with men
who are sad and lonely,

but I'd advise against it.

Now, push off.

Where do I go?

Well, that's up
to you, isn't it?

We've all got to make
our own way in the world.

All right, Violet.

Good-bye, Violet. Good luck.

Good-bye, Mr. Starr.

Good-bye, Fred.

Good morning, Mrs. Trotter.

Morning, Bishop.

God's in his heaven.
All's right with the world.

Up early, then?

Nothing like a trot
around the park

to give one a good
appetite for breakfast.

Morning, Starr.

Who's that for?

Sir Martin, ma'am.

I'll take that.

And I want to see you
and Mary afterwards.

Oh. Very good, ma'am.

Well, there's your
breakfast, Sir Martin.

Better eat it while it's hot.

Thank you.

Last night...

Most unfortunate.

Yes. Most unfortunate.

Partly my fault.


She wanted to be kind.

Well, if you want
kindness, Sir Martin,

you'll have to
find it elsewhere.

My staff are not for sale.

She didn't ask for money.

Then she was a fool,

because she's going to need it.

Where is Vi...

She's gone.

"A Violet in the
youth of primy nature,

"Forward, not permanent,

"sweet, not lasting,

"The perfume and
'supplements' [sic]

of a minute."

She's let us all
down really properly,

has that Violet.

Us and Mrs. Trotter
and the whole hotel,

behaving like that.

Mrs. Trotter gave
Mr. Merriman and me

a proper drubbing.

"What the guests do is
their business," she said.

"And what the
staff does is mine.

"When I train
girls, I train them.

"And when I've trained
them, I hand them over

"to you to see that they
go the way they're told.

"And I don't expect you

"To sit down on your arse...

..backside, letting
things slide."

That's what she said,
and she was right.

Violet has taken advantage.

That's what she's done.

No one asked for
your opinion, Ethel.

She was a bit
soft. That was all.

I've heard another word for it.

Violet was
romantically inclined,

and that don't do in
the hotel business.

You got to keep
control of your emotions

in this business.

You're right.

She wasn't a bad girl,

not at all.

Whose side are you on?

On the side of justice.
Aren't we, Fred? As always.

And we don't much
like Sir Martin Mallory.

A cad and a bounder,
that actor Johnny.

I've always said it,
and I'm seldom wrong.

Don't know why she
has him in the place.

But is it true she didn't even

give Violet a reference?

Who's "She," the cat's mother?

Who I have in this hotel,
Major, and who I don't

is my business, no one else's.

And who I give references
to and who I don't

is also my business.

Violet knew the
rules, like they all do.

Louisa, you once said to me that

when a girl's chucked out with a
week's wages and no reference,

there's only one place
left for her...on the streets.

You said to me,

"Go out and ask
any tart you like,

"and it's even money she'll tell
you she started life in service."

Do you remember that?

Yeah. I won't ever forget it.

But considering
the circumstances,

I'm surprised you have.

I was a servant
at the time, Major.

First night in his
uncle's service,

he comes bursting
into me bedroom

in his pajamas, full
of the joys of spring.

Well, I wasn't so
obliging as Violet,

you'll be glad to hear.

So let's have a little
less talk of Violet,

and let's consider this
dinner I'm cooking for you.

Dear Louisa, all I meant...

Shall I tear up this menu,

or would you care
to have a look at it?

Well, does His Lordship approve?

A light, pre-Buckingham
Palace ball supper?

Makes my mouth water.

Soufflé de cailles au
riz, my favorite thing.

Thought it was the old king's,

God bless him.

Well then, Major, about your wines.

Let us consider the
piece de resistance first

and the quail soufflé

and then build
round it, so to speak.

I thought of a burgundy,
but quail is a small bird,

en soufflé. it's warm weather.

You'll be drinking
Champagne all night.

Champagne and burgundy...

So I turned to Bordeaux,

to a Pichon Longueville '02.

I thought that wasn't
a very good year.

Ah, not for the St. Émillion
and the Pomerol.

There were bad thunderstorms
in October that year.

But the Médoc, being nearer
to the sea, escaped them.

Well, I must say,
Major, I never did.

I have to admit that Merriman

did remind me of the fact.

Now, a question -

the salmon trout.
How is that cooked?

In aspic.

All right, Ethel.

You lift the bone
below the tail.

All right. Now, pull. Gently.


The bishop wants
to see you, ma'am.

Something about
keeping on his room.

Oh, tell him I've
gone off religion.

What, ma'am?

Oh Mary, can't you see I'm busy?

You deal with his grace.

Tell him to pray on his knees
this bone comes out clean.

All right, Ethel.
Gently. Gently...

Well done, Ethel.

Oh! Thank heaven for that.

Right. Now you can
get on with the aspic.

Where's the cooling
tray for this fish, Mrs. C.?

Oh, Ethel will get
it for you, madam.

No, she won't.
She's doing the aspic.

This isn't the only dinner.

We've got 3 going out

and all the other guests.

This is the only
one I'm cooking,

so you go and get that tray.

Out of the way, Ethel.

All right. Now for me garnish.

Isn't it lovely?

Yes, it is.

Billy actually mutinied.

But they didn't throw
you in the tower, did they?

We didn't actually mutiny.

We were all called together

in a tent on the Carra,

and the general said
if it came to civil war

between Southern
Ireland and Ulster,

we'd have to stop it.

I mean, it was
absolutely ridiculous.

I'm in an Irish regiment,

and my own estate
was only 30 miles away.

It meant we'd have been
fighting our own people.

It was a complete farce.

Most generals seem to have

cotton wool for brains.

Oh, but it really does
look like war this time,

both sides arming like billy-o.

Yes. People say Carson drills

20,000 men every day himself

before breakfast
outside Belfast.

I told Winston he wants
to get the battleships out

and blow Dublin and
Belfast into the sea.

It's the only way to
deal with the Irish.

Thank you very much, Toni.

Don't touch that oven, Mrs. C.

Mr. Merriman says right.

All right, Ethel.

Go get the tray.

Oh, lovely.

There you are.

Right. Now, you
get up them stairs,

the front stairs.

Never mind the lift. Right.

What if the bishop
or someone sees?

I don't care if she
meets the pope.

Get moving.


It's a dog's life being a cook.

Isn't it, Mrs. C.?

And when she said,
"Not bloody likely"

Everyone tittered.

Well, I thought it
was rather rude,

but Mrs. Pat Campbell
didn't turn a hair.

People say she hasn't

any hair left to turn.

I say, what a delicious soufflé.

It's Mrs. Trotter's
special thing,

you know. The late king

had a passion for it.

Is it true he also had a
passion for Mrs. Trotter?

What a quaint thought.

Puffin! pas devant.

I thought that Eliza Doolittle

in the play was exactly like

Louisa Trotter.

Shaw often stays here, you know,

and people do say...

How fascinating!

This claret is nectar.


Longueville 1902, sir.

PUFFIN: Really?

Louisa darling,

thank you for the
most wonderful dinner.

You certainly earned
your sovereign tonight.

Thank you, Charlie.

Give my regards to the royals.

Are we all set?

Good night.

Good night. Good night.

Good night, then, milord.

Hey, mister, will you
come home with me?

Let me look for some silver.

Go on, you little
bitch. Clear off.

I wasn't doing anything.

Oh, yes, you was.

You was muscling in on my beat.

Well, I don't see
why I shouldn't walk.

Aah! Oh!

Aah! Aah!

Oh! Aah!

Oh! Oh!

Next time, you'll get this...

Right up where
you won't like it.


What's your name?

Violet Armstrong.


Sir. Sorry, sir.

Where do you come from?

I come from up north,

but I haven't got no
one up there now.

They chucked me out.
Been down here a few years.

Not as a prostitute,
you haven't.

No, sir. I've been a chambermaid

in a hotel, but I got
chucked out again.

Did something silly.

Which doesn't surprise me.

What put you on this game?

I'm skint, sir.

Couldn't get no
job. I'm cleaned out.

You realize
accosting strange men

in a public place

is a criminal offense
under the law?

Yes, sir.

CHARLES: Shh! Quiet!


I'm quite famished, Charlie.

Fodder this way.


I'll get some booze.





Mmm. Yummy!

Oh, this thing weighs a ton.

Quite apart from

looking like a fender.

What, Toni?

Shh! What's that noise?

My tummy rumbling.

What are we going to eat?

Well, what would
you like, eggs, bacon?


Charlie, where are they?

I don't know. I wasn't
born in the kitchen.

Let's play hunt the egg.


Where would they be?

Here are the eggs.

Oh, Toni. Brilliant going.

Eggie-peggies! Yummy, yum!

I say, I've never cooked an egg.

What do you cook eggs in?

In a saucepan, silly.

They're the flat
ones, aren't they?

I think there are
some over here.


I say, I've made
rather a floater.

- Not to worry.
- Sorry.

Oh, Billy, let me.


I say, I don't think

I'd make a very good cook.

Nor do I, Mrs. Fitzsimmons,

if you don't mind me saying so.

Hmm. It's the truth.

Thought I heard some
two-legged mice about the place.




Very good.

How was the ball?

Well, Charlie made
a gushy usher,

but the king and
queen were rather...


I don't think they
like balls very much.

CHARLES: Or dancing.

So they just sat.
And we waltzed.

And we waltzed.

ALL: And we waltzed,
and we waltzed,

and we waltzed.

It was all rather like
an animated version

of Madame Tussaud's.

Fortunately, the king and queen

go early to bed.

And it was rather hot.

So we melted back here.

Charlie, what about
some more Champagne?


What about poor Cinders, then?

Don't she get any?

Poor little Cinders.

Here is your glass,
simply, my dear.

Not much bunny
hugging at the palace?

No, not a great deal.

Their majesties not too
good at the turkey trot?

Oh, I adore those modern things.

Can anybody do them?

Well, as a matter of fact...

We can. We can.


Charlie! Well, show us!


Come on.

Clear the decks.

Ethel can scrub it
down in the morning.

Ok, and...

Where do you want me?

Bunny hug, turkey trot, tango?

What about a tango?



Charlie, will you teach
me how to tango?

Of course, my dear.


1, 2.

♪ Charlie, won't you ♪

♪ teach me how to tango? ♪


♪ Every turn I
spurn to learn, I ♪

♪ do love it so ♪


♪ Don't mind if the
chaperones fuss. ♪


♪ I'll write to the
Times about us. ♪


♪ Charlie, won't you ♪

♪ teach me the way to tango? ♪


One more time.

Once more?

Yes, please!


All right. 1. 2.

♪ Charlie, won't you ♪

♪ teach me how to tango? ♪


♪ Every turn I
spurn to learn, I ♪

♪ do love it so. ♪

♪ Don't mind if
the chaperones... ♪

Who's that, this time of night?

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Evening, Mrs.
Trotter. May I come in?

Evening, your lordship.

Good evening, inspector.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I trust you're all
enjoying yourselves.

Now, look here, inspector,

if you thought we was
making a disturbance...

Oh, I didn't hear
no disturbance,

but I would be most grateful

if I might have a word
with you, Mrs. Trotter.

In private.

Follow me.

Oh, Lord!


I say, bad show, what.

I wonder what she's done.

Charlie, what about
our eggie-peggies?

Well, no. I'm afraid
the party's over.

ALL: Oh...


Never mind.

Coats. Coats.

Hey, whose is
this? Is this yours?

If you don't mind me
saying so, inspector,

you do seem to come visiting me

at the most peculiar hours.

In my job, it's better to
strike while the iron's hot.

And I can't delay
charging the girl for long,

and then she'll be
up before the beaks

in the morning. That's
the law, you see.

Of course, I wouldn't
have dreamed

of disturbing you
until I'd...ascertained

that you were up and about.

Yes, well, I have a set of rules

for my staff, and
I keep to them,

if you understand me.

Oh, I understand you
perfectly, Mrs. Trotter.

You care for a glass of brandy?

I wouldn't say no.

I admire you for that.

What, having some
drink in the place?

No. Having your rules.

We have rules, too, you know.

In fact, quite a fat rule book.

But then, as someone once said,

rules was only
made to be broken.

One of our rules
is that no officer

may accept alcoholic refreshment

whilst on duty.

And another one we
both know very well

is that same refreshment
may not be served

on licensed premises,

such as your
hotel, Mrs. Trotter,

after 10:30 p.m, to
other than resident guests.

So you see, I think
we both know quite a lot

about rules and
about bending them.

I suggest you bend your rule

in the case of this young girl.


I see, inspector.


I thought you would.

Come in.

Hmm. Yeah.

That's a fine one, that is.

Yes, madam. Thank you, madam.

I'm not having you
back here, you know.

No, madam.

Got yourself in a fine mess

and no mistake.

Yes, madam.

And not very good
at it, from what I hear.

Well, I didn't
really get started...


"To whom it may concern,

"Violet Armstrong is a good,

"hard-working girl capable

"of doing the
duties of housemaid,

parlormaid, or chambermaid."


Oh, thank you, madam.
Bless you, madam.

And I'm not doing
it out of kindness,

Violet. Don't think that.

Too many tarts in London

and not enough chambermaids.

Yes, madam.

They need one at the Warwick

in Kensington.

Ask for Mrs. Chalmers

and say I sent you.

Oh, thank you, madam.

Off you go.

She give me a
reference, Mr. Starr!

She give me a reference!

Here, girl. Not that way.

Not this time.

You're a servant
again now. Go on.

Oh, and ask Mrs. Cochrane for

a bit of that steak
that's gone off.

You could use it on that eye.

Where are you off to
then, Lord Haslemere?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

Our cricketing week up in
Yorkshire starts tomorrow.