The Duchess of Duke Street (1976–1977): Season 2, Episode 16 - Ain't We Got Fun - full transcript

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Then we're all going to
go over to Alex's place

to play [indistinct] treasure hunt.

What on earth is that?

Oh, it's the latest thing.

We all dash about in
cars and on bicycles

and collect things.

Like lumps of coal, you know,

and a live frog.

And a policeman's hat.

Or a Bolivian stamp.
It's ever such fun.



It all sounds rather
gruesome to me,

and I don't like Alex.

And he is rather bogus.

WOMAN: But he's terribly sweet.

Uh, yes, Major. I understand.

I'm sure she'll be
highly delighted.

Oh, yes. There was
some talk of a coach.

I know for certain she's
bought a new hat for Derby Day.

Excuse me, Major, I must
go. We're very busy. Yes, I will.

Afternoon, miss.
Nice to see you.

Hello, Starr. How's
my little friend?

I've got a little gift for Fred.

Thank you, miss.
Fred will be pleased.

Your usual, miss?



Oh, thank you kindly,
Merriman...with lemon.

Of course, miss.

Fred's most appreciative, miss.

Oh, good. She's a most
discriminating young lady.

Oh, Starr, I should be
obliged if you could mention

the usual little
matter to Mrs. Trotter.

Of course, miss.

STARR: Telephone call
from the major, madam.

Oh?

He's coming up to
stay for a few days,

if that will be convenient.

Oh, Lord. Yeah, well,
he'll have to have a double.

Mrs. Smith-Barton will not
be accompanying, madam.

She's taking part
in an expedition

of an artistic
nature to Florence.

No, that wouldn't
suit the major.

So he's coming up for
a bit of racing, is he?

Epsom, yeah.

I don't believe Mrs.
Smith-Barton appreciates

the major's interest
in the sport of kings.

Neither does her
housekeeping money,

I shouldn't wonder.

So, while the cat's away...

Exactly, madam.

Oh, well. Nice to
see the old codger.

He can have his old room.

Yes. There is another matter.

Yeah, and I know what it is,

and the answer is no, no, no!

Get that in your thick
head once and for all.

Madam, the lady's
been very patient.

She's been that, all right.
Must have been here 30 days

in the last month already.

A very charming woman.

Just chuck her
out like I told you.

I can hardly do that, madam.

The lady is a very nice
person, and American.

If you could just have
one word with her...

look, Starr, the front hall
is your affair, not mine.

I don't like writers,
especially lady writers.

They're all scribblers and
gossips, and that's that.

Miss Applegate seems very
determined and persistent.

And so am I, Starr.

I'm engaged, and I'll
always be engaged.

Yes, madam.

And you can tell her from me,

bribery and corruption
will get her nowhere.

The way to my heart isn't
through Fred's stomach.

Yes, madam.

Oh, that's fine.
Thank you, Merriman.

Going in for any
competitions this week?

Well, miss, thought I
might have another try

at trumps in "Tit-Bits"--
rather a teaser, miss.

Your advice would be invaluable,

you being an expert in such
matters, as you might say.

I was wondering about
"Match Making," miss.

Hey...how about "A
Burning Question"?

Very good, miss.

Um, "Top Flat."

"Lofty Aspirations"?

Oh, very droll. Very
nice, miss. Thank you.

No go?

I'm sorry, miss. I know
Mrs. Trotter of old.

I'm afraid you're
wasting your time.

Thank you, Starr.

Excuse me. Cab, Miss Lottie?

No, thank you, Starr.

Lord Elphick's just got
a lovely new Bentley.

Congratulations.

PETAL: I say,
let's go for a race

to somewhere completely obscure.

JULIAN: Like Putney...

LOTTIE: Or Dollis Hill.

NIGEL: And have a
lovely smash on the way?

LOTTIE: Oh, Nigel.

Mrs. Trotter...

Look, this room's private.
Will you please go?

Of course, but before I
do, I just want to thank you.

Your hotel is really

the most delightful place
in London, and this room...

The photographs,
the beautiful decor...

It's just perfect...exactly
as Larry described it to me.

Who's larry?

Larry Rickenbaker.
He's my cousin.

Oh. Rikki Tikki's
your cousin, is he?

Yeah. He told
me all about you...

what a truly beautiful,
kind person you were.

Yeah, well, I am to
some and not to others.

Your cousin happens to be a
brave airman and a polo player

and a gentlemen, and you
happen to be a scribbler.

I don't like scribblers,
especially female American ones.

MISS APPLEGATE: But
it was Larry who suggested

that I came over to see you.

I mean, your name is quite a
household word in the states.

Yeah, well, it ain't here.

I'm private and
exclusive, like this hotel,

and that excludes you.

I meant only for a
few households...

just the best, the very
few, your old friends.

I mean, they wanted...

Yeah, what do they want?

They want me to write
a little book for them...

nothing to do with newspapers...
about you and your hotel,

setting down all
your great successes

and wonderful memories.

They think you
owe it to history.

I don't owe nothing to history.

Well, what I really meant was...

how would you do that? What?

How would you make this book?

Well, whenever you've
got a few moments free,

you could just tell
me about your life,

and I'd write it
all down for you.

And how would you do that?

I talk like I got verbal
diarrhea...always have done.

I can write in shorthand,
100 words a minute.

Yeah, well...

I'd have to read it, you know,

before it was
printed... see if I liked it.

Oh, of course, Mrs. Trotter.
I'd write it all out for you.

You must agree to every word.

That would be
part of the bargain.

Bargain, eh?

So it's bargain time, is it?

When do you want to start?

Today. Now.

Oh, no, no. No, I'm too busy.

Say, tomorrow evening...

When things are a bit quieter.

Everyone's nice and
comfy after they've dined.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Trotter.

It'll give all your friends
so much pleasure

to have such a lovely souvenir.

Here, hang on. I'm
not gone yet, you know,

Miss, uh...Apple Blossom,
or whatever your name is.

Applegate.

Applegate.

I never thought she would.

I wouldn't have given 10 to 1.

I don't know how she did it.

Mrs. Trotter's always had
a soft spot for Americans,

but not ladies...
nor journalists.

She's got a good
head on her shoulders,

that young lady... brains.

I reckon you could
strike matches

on both them women.

Mr. Starr, what a thing to say!

I'm just going off to the post,

if you'd keep your
eye on things, Mary.

I'll post it with the
rest of the mail.

Prefer to do it meself.

He's getting senile,
that's his trouble.

It's his "Tit-Bits" competition.
He's very particular.

He's going a bit
upstairs, if you ask me.

Fred and me was thinking
of taking a little stroll

in St. James'
park a bit later on,

it being a nice evening.

Fred still has a
regrettable tendency

to chase the ducks,
and we thought

the restraining influence
of another female might...

Oh...all right, Fred.
That would be nice.

We can chase the ducks together.

Looks like the honorable tea

is a bit taken with
our Danish lady.

You won't get no bed
and breakfast there,

that I can tell you.

Boy! Boy!

Coming.

Started his career out east.

Evening, Starr.

Evening, miss.

Good evening, Fred.

I have an appointment
with Mrs. Trotter,

so I'll just go in.

STARR: I'm sorry, miss.
Mrs. Trotter isn't here.

But we made a date.

I imagine Mrs. Trotter's
been unavoidably detained.

She's gone off down
to an house party

near Epsom for the racing.

Cut her up,

put her in two suitcases,

and left her at the station.

Did he buy her a ticket?

Ethel.

You wouldn't think
you could fit a body

into two suitcases, would you?

I don't know for sure.

I've never tried.

Here, don't you go swiping no
more of my nectarines, Mr. Merriman.

Need a couple for
Sir Ronnie's punch.

He must have the stuff
coming out of his ears.

You get your own in future.

They were short at Covent
Garden this morning.

Perhaps if you was
up a little earlier...

Put that back! You can
have one, and that's all.

I need the rest for
tomorrow's luncheon

what that millionaire's giving,

for my Fountainbleu surprise.

Jumped-up parvenu. Profiteer!

Give him tinned... wouldn't
notice the difference.

No, but Mrs. Trotter will.

That woman needs shooting.

Mr. Merriman!

Makes an appointment
with Miss Applegate,

then runs off to
her racing friends

without so much as
a word of apology.

MRS. COCHRANE: You won't
get her to change her spots.

There's more of
them than there was.

Seems to think she's
the Queen of Sheba.

She'll have this hotel
coming down around her ears

one of these days,
you mark my words!

I think it's terrible

the way Mr. Merriman
pinches them nectarines.

Bruises 'em all.

I'll pinch him if he
comes down here again

stealing my fruit.

Don't think you
could, Mrs. Cochrane.

Could what?

Pinch Mr. Merriman.

He's all hard and dried
up, like an Egyptian mummy.

Now, just you finish
off what you're doing

and get up to bed...and
stop passing remarks.

Yes, Mrs. Cochrane.

LOUISA: We backed 4
winners, Starr, Major and me.

Backed 4 winners.

Congratulations, madam.
Which horses, Major?

Oh, uh, you know...

All I know was the
last one, I was so drunk,

I could hardly see him.

A glass of wine, Major?

Excuse me, madam.

The American lady's been
waiting since yesterday.

Who? Miss Applegate.

Applebum? Never
heard of her. Hello, dearie.

Major, this is miss
Apple something-or-other.

She's Rikki Tikki's sister.
Do you remember him?

He was the one that
climbed the lamppost

and imitated big ben.

Come along, then, dear.
We'll have a glass of wine.

RONNIE: Nectarine punch!

Don't worry about
him. That's Ronnie.

When he's not here, he's
governing the West Indies.

His suit's a bit rumpled 'cause
his tailor can't pay his rent,

so he takes it out
on Ronnie's clothes.

I say... Put a monkey

on Crossbow for me, would you?

I'm afraid the derby's been
run, Sir Ronald, on Wednesday.

Oh? How disappointing.

And that was at board
school, at a penny a week.

I wanted to be a schoolmarm,
but me parents shoved me out,

scrubbing and cleaning for a
lot of nobodies at nothing a year,

and that was no good.

Pardon. I mean, can't
live like that, can you...

just eating and sleeping?

No, I had to get among the
nobs. My family didn't know

what earls and dukes
and lords and ladies was,

but I did, so I taught
meself to cook.

You got to be something
menial in this life

if you're gonna get to
know those sort of people

if you're born in my position,
which was no position at all.

Then in one day, I got the
chance to cook a meal for him.

SOPHIE: Oh.

Prince of Wales...

As he was then.

When was that?

Oh...it was 500 years
ago, I should think.

And he gave me a
sovereign as a reward.

Here we are.
Have a look at this.

There. See? You can
see the teeth marks on it

where I bit it
every night for luck.

I was that ambitious.

I wanted to be the best cook in
England, and that's what I became.

Even monsieur Escoffier
himself said that about me.

And before the war, cooking was
even more important than clothes.

I cooked for anyone
who was anyone...

the King, the
Czar, the Kaiser...

He liked fruits, the Kaiser.

Used to eat with
a funny little fork

'cause of his withered arm.

Gave me a medal.
Took me out in his yacht.

There you are.
Have a look at them.

Highcliffe Castle...

Londonderry House...

Buckingham Palace?!

My, oh, my!

And what lovely names.

Piece de boeuf en
gelee en bellevue.

Peches rose de mai!

Tasted even better
than they sounded.

And the number of
the courses...7, 8, 9?

Yes. Sometimes 10 or 11.

How could they eat so much?

Oh, they had great big
stomachs in them days.

The ladies had great big tits...

Breasts... Something you could

really build a dress around,

not little flat nothings
like the girls have today.

What did the king like
best of all your dishes?

Me quail pudding.

I had to cook that for
him everywhere he went.

There's the recipe.
Have a look at that.

"Take your quails or
snipe, and truss for braising.

Leave in marinade
a few hours..."

I'll tell you what,

I'll cook it for you
tomorrow for your lunch.

Oh, beg pardon.

LOUISA: So you line a
basin with ordinary suet crust...

And then you wrap your quail

in slices of beef
cut as thin as paper.

Takes a bit of doing, that.

And the beef will
dissolve in the sauce

when it's cooked.

What's the secret
of your cooking?

Common sense. What
do you say, Ethel?

I don't know, Mrs. Trotter.

Yes, you do. What
about vegetables?

You always have to pick
the best of what's in season.

Even potatoes. Now,
they've just got to be perfect,

like Michael... Michael...

Angelo.

Michael Angelo
always used the best...

Yeah, well, forget that.
What about meat, Mrs. C?

MRS. COCHRANE: Cook it
natural. Don't mess about

with sauces and that
like they do abroad.

A grilled chop
should stand or fall

on the flavor coming
from its own juice.

The old French
chef who taught me,

he used to say, "First ze nose,

and zen ze mouth."

Yeah, well, then
you add your parsley

and your onions
and your mushrooms,

and you pour on a good stock.

You put on its hat,

and you boil it for one hour.

Got that?

All right. Pop it in, Mrs. C.

All right.

SOPHIE: First zee nose...

Oh, my, it smells good!

Was there ever a Mr. Trotter,

or is the "Mrs." a sort of
honorary title that cooks have?

Oh, no, there was a
Mr. Trotter, all right.

We had to chuck him
out, didn't we, Merriman?

Yeah.

LOUISA: Made a proper
muck of running this place.

Poor old Gussie...
bit of a dud, really.

Died of drink in '13,
somewhere by the sea.

Great Yarmouth.

You stop earwigging.
Go and get the sweet.

Yes, ma'am.

Augustus Trotter was a butler.

My family threatened to shoot me

if I didn't marry him, so I did.

I bought this place
for him, really.

Gave him something to do.

How did you ever get the money?

Hard work...giving
people what they wanted.

There was a
rumor I heard that...

Ain't you been told that
if you listen to rumors,

you get your ears burnt off?

Gabbing away like two o'clock.

I tell you this:

no good will come of it.

You and me going
to be put in a book.

How about that, then, Fred?

Good day, sir.

Is there a Mr. Merriman
staying in this hotel?

No, sir, not that I know of.

Mr. Arthur Cornelius Merriman.

Possibly there's an
employee of that name

in the establishment.

If you'll excuse me
for one moment...

Bloke over there after
you, Mr. Merriman.

What's he want?

I don't know. Not
in trouble, are you?

Always trouble
if you look for it.

Get rid of him, shall I?

Yeah.

I have ascertained that
there has been a man

by the name you mentioned
employed in this hotel,

but unfortunately,
quite recently

his services have had
to be dispensed with.

That's a big pity. You
know where I can find him?

'cause I've got some
really good news for him.

Oh. Mr. Merriman! Hold it!

Everything's all
right, Mr. Merriman.

How do you mean, "All right"?
I don't like the look of this.

Says he's got good news.

Arthur cornelius
Merriman, I'm from "Tit-bits."

You've won our
trumps competition,

and here is a check for £500.

5...

What the bleedin'
hell's going on out there?

LOUISA: What in
bleedin' hell's going on?

STARR: Mr. Merriman's won £500!

I don't care! Come on, out! Out!

Get out! Floozy!
And you...come on.

This ain't a
bleedin' music hall.

What about my motor-bicycle?

It's outside waiting
for you, chap.

If you come back in, I'll
be inside waiting for you!

"Mr. Merriman, who
refused to give his age..."

He doesn't know it.

"...and admitted he had never
ridden on a machine before,

"Told our reporter

"That he was off
to see a bit of life

"Before he rode
off into the thick

"Of London's west end traffic

with a fortune in his pocket."

Well, I never.

Like giving a baby
a bomb to play with.

He'll be back when he
comes down to earth.

I don't know so much.

I don't know if Mrs.
Trotter will have him back.

She's asked me to get
ahold of that temporary

we had last year.

Well, I hope she don't give him

the keys to the
cellar this time.

I wish I could
win a competition.

Perhaps Mr. Merriman will
give you a ride on his pillion.

Do we have to go
to Ma Corrigan's,

Petal, darling?

Oh, too gruesome.

And everyone will be so ancient.

But she gives one
such lovely prezzies.

And I hear she went
lion hunting again

and only caught
poor Evan Tredegar.

Did he bite her?

No, but his macaw did.

I say, Julian, I've
had a marvelous idea.

We'll thrill them
all to the marrow.

We'll take our pogo sticks,
and then when we get bored,

we can hop out of the window.

Well, let's practice.

It'd be too shaming
if we fell off.

I say, Julian, I'm Kanga.

And I'm Roo!

I'd like a darling little pouch

to keep you in.

[indistinct] a bit grisly,
Petal, darling.

What's the secret
of making a success

of a hotel like this?

There ain't any
other hotel like this.

Course not.

Hot water and good
food and clean linen

don't make a bad start.

It's all so beautiful.

It's not like a
hotel at all. I mean,

all these beautiful
things everywhere.

Yeah, well, I got all this stuff
because when I was young,

I used to go around cooking
at big country houses and that,

and I thought I'd make
this place like one of them...

sort of home from
home for me guests...

So they'd be comfortable and
be private and no questions asked.

And that don't mean I've
tarts in here, because I don't.

I remember where I got
this old chair at an auction.

£4, 5 shillings, that cost me.

A long time ago, that was.

How old are you, Mrs. Trotter?

You've got a cheek, you have.

I kept me figure so I can
keep me age a secret.

Do you see that woman over
there, talking to the major?

Looks like a
tart, but she ain't.

Write a book about her...
"Round the world in 80 beds."

She's a Danish countess.

Been big game shooting
in Mexico or somewhere.

They do say she's got
roses tattooed on her breasts,

but I wouldn't bet on it.

That young man talking to
her... honorable thingummy-jig...

he's a nice lad. Knew
him before he was born.

Spits when he
speaks, like a siphon.

No wonder, the
way his dad drunk.

And the old countess,
his grandmother,

she'd think nothing of
going to Buckingham Palace

wearing her false
teeth as a brooch.

His uncle...cut your
corns for 5 shillings,

your throat for £5.00.

Don't talk to me
about that family.

I call them the 5 loafers
and the two small fishies.

Hello, hello. Here we are, then.

This here's Sethram
Waldren. He's not a bit of good.

Got India rubber tits.

Dearest Louisa... So
flattering, as always.

That there's his friend.

Hello.

This is my Lottie. I'm
sure you know about her.

I'm sure she does,

knowing how discreet
the guests are in this hotel.

It must be exhausting trying
to immortalize my mother.

It is.

I'm told I'm the only
mistake she ever made.

It was a very pretty one.

I had a divine father.

We must be off. Mrs.
Corrigan is giving a party,

and she begged me to be early.

She can't wait to meet Keith.

And I can't wait to
get rid of both of you.

Oh, dear lady!

Really, Louisa,
I can't think why

you allow dreadful old pansies

like Waldren in your hotel.

They lower the tone dreadfully.

I'd like to know where I'd be

if it weren't for people
like him to pay the bills

for skrimshanking
buggers like you.

I don't know why you go around

with this...Nigel,
Lottie, I don't, really.

He doesn't paw me

like all your lecherous
old sugar daddies,

and he matches my new
dress, don't you think?

I say, Louisa, do you think
you could cash me a check?

I might have known. How much?

Could you manage a pony?

Oh, blimey.

I think the only reason people
come to this hotel anymore

is to bounce dud checks and pee.

And if you put
that in your book,

I'll have you up in court, miss.

Evening.

Oh. Evening, sir.

Waiter.

Bottle of the Pommery '09

and some smoked
salmon sandwiches.

Yes...sir.

Well, get moving, man.

Nice weather for the
time of the year...sir.

Hadn't noticed.

How's the machine?

Invention of the devil.

I don't know how you
can drink that stuff. Gut rot.

Oh, I think it's yummy.

What do they call it?

A sidecar. Have some more.

No! Rather drink meths.

Stick to Champagne, that's
what I say. Can't go wrong.

Mother darling,
Champagne is just

the teensiest, weensiest
bit vieux chapeau.

I'll give you vieux chapeau!

Good thing
Merriman's pushed off.

He'd go barmy trying
to mix up this poison.

We just have rather
different tastes, that's all.

Yeah... And not only in drink.

Are you being horrid to me?

No, love. Well, the men
you go around with...

that tinpot little guardee.

Osbert? He's quite a pet.

Looks as if he ought
to be kept in a kennel.

He's a poop...

so wet, you could
shoot snipe off of him.

He has marvelous connections.

And I thought you
were horrid to poor Nigel.

He's a lounge
lizard, that's all he is.

He's a lovely parcel-carrier,

and terribly clever at getting
tables and that sort of thing.

He ain't got a bean.
You know that?

Of course. When I want
beans, I go elsewhere.

Like poor old Steady Eddy.
He comes moaning to me

my daughter's
a hard little bitch

and she's breaking his heart.

You're getting soft
in your old age, mum.

You know as well as I do
that Eddy's a dirty old pouncer,

and he's got a wife and
4 children in Hampshire.

He's quite grisly,
really. Poor old thing.

Why do you go
out with him, then?

Purely out of kindness.

Anyway, there's
safety in numbers.

How many more are there?

Oh, tons...dream
dancers like the rajah.

He thrills me to the marrow.

Yeah, want to be
careful with him.

I hear he likes doing 3
ladies all at the same time,

each on a different
floor of the Ritz.

Mother darling, I
sing for my supper,

but I won't go to bed for it.

Anyway, the rajah
only does married ladies

to get his own back
on their stuffy husbands

who cut him dead at
Ascot and places like that.

It's all quite logical.

I let Paul the Pole
take me to Deauville

because he promises to make me

a big star in Hollywood.

And Cocky, of course,

who had the nerve
to ask me to be

one of his young ladies.

I said, "The lead in
'No, No, Nanette,' ok,"

But Benny'd
snapped it up already.

That's flying a
bit high, isn't it?

Always go to the top.
My mama taught me that.

Oh, and there's
Noel and Valentine

and Willie, and
whole cohorts of them.

And David, of course,

who always asks me to dance
every thursday at the embassy.

I think he's the most sweet
and charming man I've ever met.

Yeah. Takes after his granddad.

He asked me to go to
the theater last week.

I'm hardly likely to be
on the list of eligibles.

His mother wouldn't
exactly approve.

Oh, my, no!

Fancy that.

LOTTIE: What is it?

Return of the prodigal.

I trust you've
been satisfied, sir.

Well, no, madam, not entirely.

The waiter doesn't know
how to pour Champagne.

He's got garlic on his breath

and dirty fingernails,

and one of the sandwiches
had the crust left on.

We're just going to have to pull
up our socks, then, aren't we?

I can assure you he's
a good deal cleaner

than the last one we had.

Your bill, sir.

4 quid. 4...!

Yeah, well, prices
have gone up a bit lately.

Daylight robbery.

Keep the change.

Hey, hey!

Come on, my old friend,

a little bit of a lie
down for you, I think.

Come on.

Hullo, Louisa.

Ready, darling?

Good night.

I hope I haven't shocked you.

No, not exactly.

One day I hope I fall in love,

properly in love like
you and my father.

But not just yet.

It would be terribly cramping.

Good night.

Good night.

Enjoy yourselves...

At my expense.

MERRIMAN: I'm all right.

STARR: Are you?

I'm all right.

Mr. Merriman?

Is he ill?

I wouldn't call it that exactly.

Get some black
coffee and plenty of it.

Oh! Yes.

Did you see life, Mr. Merriman?

I saw life, all right.

It wasn't much to
write home about.

You know, Mrs. Trotter,

I think I've just about
come to the last chapter.

Oh, yeah? What's
that about, funerals?

I'm not dead yet, you know.

No, it's about men

and love.

Oh, blimey.

The older I get,

the less I think I
know about either.

- Men and love, eh?
- Yeah.

I'll tell you one thing
about Englishmen,

they take more trouble
over choosing a horse

than they do a wife.

And then they come to me

complaining that
they're misunderstood.

They're all the same... Men.

I mean, it's in their
nature... isn't it?--to chase us.

And it's our lookout if we
get caught by a wrong 'un.

Mind you, most of us slip
up sometime in our lives...

I did.

It's the drink.

Of course, there are some men
who can love only one woman,

but there are very few.

No more to most men
to amuse themselves

making love to a woman

than it is to play
poker or go racing.

They're all luxuries, and
most of 'em overused.

But Englishmen are meant

to be more faithful than others.

Faithful. That depends
on what you call faithful.

I mean, there's men
who come in here...

very famous names,
some of them...

go to bed with a
different girl every night.

They'd be on to their lawyers

if you was to suggest that
they wasn't faithful to their wives.

Course, most of them got
pots of money, which helps.

It's not everything.

You can buy caviar and Champagne

and good food and
women's bodies,

but you can't buy their hearts.

Sex is only the carrot to get
the donkey into the stable.

After that, it's a lottery.

Now, I used to
say, if you find love,

frame it, so you
can look back on it.

And that's what I did.

Here he is,

my Charlie.

I shan't never love anyone else.

Like the measles
love is with me...

Only get it once.

Oh, I'm all right,
I'm very happy.

He means more to me now
than he did when he was alive.

Almost.

And I've got my Lottie now.

What about God?

Who? God?

Blimey! You don't
half hop about a bit!

I...I notice you often
invoke his name.

Ah, yeah, well, that
don't mean nothing.

That's just me way of speaking.

He wouldn't mind.

Oh, so you believe in him?

Oh, yeah, of course I do.

Just don't bother
him like some do.

I mean, gotta get on
with life, haven't you?

Mind you, sometimes if things
get a bit, Dismal Desmond,

I hop across to the
church in Piccadilly,

have a bit of a chat.

Cheers me up, no end.

What about life after death?

Oh, I don't know.

Nobody does, do
they? Not for sure.

My guess is as good as the
Archbishop of Canterbury's

or the Pope's.

So let's look on the bright
side, hope for the best.

That's what I say.

MAJOR: Oh, so sorry, I
didn't mean to interrupt.

No, no, you're not.
Come in, sit down.

I can't, I'm on duty.

I said I'd look after
Fred and the hall

while Starr took Mary to
the exhibition at Wembley.

Leave the door open,

we'll have a glass of wine...

If that old
cripple's still alive.

I been talking so much,

me mouth's like the
bottom of a canary cage.

Major?

Ma'am.

You've known Mrs.
Trotter a very long time.

Oh, yes, indeed,
a very long time.

Now let me see...

Don't go into that,

have us in our graves.

What do you think is the secret

of Mrs. Trotter's success?

What do you mean, in life?

Yeah.

Well, don't want to give
her a swollen head, do we?

Why not?

Well, I'd say it was humanity.

Yeah. That's it.

Yeah, you know,
understanding people,

making them
comfortable and happy.

Giving, not taking.

Oh, he's a terrible
old butter-upperer

when it comes to women.

I believe him.

Yeah, well, maybe.

What you've
given you still have,

and what you've
saved you've lost,

that's what they say.

Ah, there you are.

Bottle of wine,

Pommery '09, if
there's any left.

Use your motorbike.
Might hurry you up.

Merriman, may I
ask you a question?

Yes?

What do you think is the secret

of Mrs. Trotter's success?

Go on, you can
say what you like.

Her success this place...

Well, miss, I put it down to
her being a snob and a bully.

Both very useful in
running a hotel of this sort.

Oh, yes, very important.

Oh, it's lovely, it really is.

Were there any real lions there?

Ooh, yes, and
bears and silver foxes

and a real waterfall

in the Canadian pavilion.

STARR: Then we went
down the coal mine.

Made Mary feel quite at home.

Pit ponies, Davey lamps,

everything.

What have you got, Ethel?

It's a swannee whistle.

I've read about them,
they're the latest thing.

MRS. COCHRANE: Oh no! we're not going
to have that all day, are we?

MARY: And Joseph and I...

that is, Mr. Starr and I stroked
the black and white china cat

in the palace of industry.

Ooh, and there was a big statue

of the Prince of
Wales made of butter.

Will someone strangle that girl?

Why can't you listen
to Mary and Mr. Starr

telling us about their
exhibition at Wembley,

instead of listening
to that thing?

Wembley! Not
an exhibition at all

compared to the
great exhibition,

Crystal Palace in Hyde Park.

I like the look of Gay Sultana.

How many times have
Starr and I told you

not to waste your money

on two-year-old selling-platers?

Now Fairfield Swell in the 2:30,

that's more like it.

We might pop along
to Sandown, huh?

Oh, I can't go racing
with you every day.

Sorry, I don't get much
chance now, you know.

Enjoyed your stay
up here, have you?

Oh, very much.

It's been marvelous seeing
all my old friends again.

Still, nice to get back

to the peace and
quiet of the country

after the hurly-burly
of London town, eh?

Yes, it's very nice.

It's very peaceful, as you say.

What do you do all day, fish?

The fishing proved a bit of
a disappointment, actually.

But there are plenty
of other things to do.

I've taken up golf.

Not much of a game.

And I do a bit of
gardening, you know.

And we generally manage

a game of bridge
in the evenings.

And things will be
livening up no end soon.

Olive's starting up a
pottery in the village.

She wants me to help with it.

Oh, yes, I'm very happy, really.

Pottery, eh?

Hmm.

You're bored stiff,
aren't you, Major?

Too good mannered to say
so, but you are, aren't you?

I can read you like
a book, always could.

It's not Olive's
fault, not a bit.

She looks after me awfully well.

It's just... Well, I...

I suppose I was too old
to transplant. You know...

I don't seem able to
get any roots down.

And coming back here
has been like coming home.

Living here all these years,

taking it all
rather for granted

It's become my home.

Yeah.

And without really knowing it—

you'll probably laugh, but uh—

I've discovered I've
grown very fond of...

Of you.

Very fond, indeed.

If you know what I mean.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Now why should I
laugh at a compliment?

You've seen me through
some difficult times, Major.

Took some doing.

Don't worry.

You don't have to spend
all your time down in Suffolk.

Come up here whenever you like.

I'll keep your old
room on for you.

You can come up for
meetings, regimental reunions.

Olive won't mind,

she'll be too busy with
her pottery to notice.

We'll do a bit of racing.

That way you can have
your Champagne and drink it.

I knew you'd have the answer,

or I wouldn't have risked

embarrassing you
by my confession.

Well, I'm glad you did.

Excuse me, madam.

Could me and Mr. Starr
have a word with you, please?

Yeah, come in.

No, you stay, Major.

Well, what's this
delegation in aid of?

What's the trouble?

There's not exactly
any trouble, madam.

You see...

Well, you see, madam,

me and Mr. Starr...

Joseph, I should say...

Oh, should you?

Well, we've been thinking...

..of getting married.

Married?!

Now, you take my advice...

Excuse me, madam, I think
I should explain that we're...

We are engaged.

Officially.

Well, kept a bit quiet
about it, I must say.

We thought we'd wait
to tell you until it was...

Official.

What does that mean?

Put it in the "Times" or
tell the king or something?

The ring.

We just didn't want to
make things difficult for you.

Not make things diff...

you are making things
difficult for me, aren't you?

You both know my
rules as well as I do.

No married servants.

Yes, madam.

Well, how'd it happen?

You both swamped by a
sudden passion or something?

Oh, no, madam.

Mr. Starr's been fussin'
about for years and years.

Oh, has he?

Only I never would
take him serious.

And then, last week, when we
were at the Wembley exhibition,

well, first, we both
of us got the chance

to stroke the lucky
cat in the gas pavilion.

And then Joseph caught me
unawares, as you might say,

on the jack and
jill slide and...

I said I would.

He isn't much to look at,
but he's got nice little ways,

and then I'm very fond of Fred.

They need a home!

I was under the obviously
mistaken impression

that they had a home.

I hope they'll find another one.

If that means, madam,

that you wish to
dispense with our services,

my fiancee and I...

Oh, shut up, Starr!

You haven't given
me time to spit,

let alone think.

I'll let you know my
decision at a later date.

When it happens...

If it happens.

Cheek.

Sneaking off behind my back
getting themselves engaged.

Disloyal, underhand!

My dear Louisa,
that's going a bit far.

You could hardly
expect Starr to consult...

I'm not talking about Starr!

He most likely
consulted "Sporting Life"

Or his bloody dog!

I'm talking about Mary!

My Welsh Mary...

Who I've been mother,
father, sister to all these years!

Dragged her up
out of the gutter,

given her everything!

She's given you...

nothing!

Not a dickey bird, not so
much as a by your leave!

Blackmail, that's what it is,

coming in here, shouting
out she's engaged,

flashing her bloody
ring in me face!

And I bet I was
the last to be told!

I'll bet the whole hotel knew!

The kitchen, old Merrimuddle,
Mrs. C., all conspirators.

And you! What?

You knew about it,
didn't you, didn't you?

Well, yes, I did, actually.

They...they told me.

I gave them a drink
last night, actually.

Et tu, Major?!

Are they really as
frightened of me as all that?

Well, no, not
frightened, exactly.

They think I'm getting
soft in me old age.

Think they can rot me.

Well, I'll show 'em!

If they get married, I'm
going to sack those two!

Ain't going to be made
a fool of by me own staff.

They can go to hell
as far as I'm concerned.

Humanity, understanding...

Those weren't my words.
Don't chuck 'em back in me face.

That little flat empty
at the top of the annex.

How do you know about
that all of a sudden?

Things won't be any different.

It'll probably save you
money in the long run.

No, it won't!

Never so good when they're
married, aren't servants.

Wouldn't have
happened before the war.

It's not before the war,
things have changed.

"Never look back."

I seem to remember

that was one of Mrs.
Trotter's favorite sayings.

Well, it was a bloody
silly one if it was.

What I need is a drink.

And that's another of 'em.

Another what?

Another of her favorite sayings.

When I heard the news

you could've knocked
me down with a feather.

I said to Ethel, I said,

she'll knock the stuffing out of
those two, you mark my words.

"When love holds sway,
love will have its way."

That's what they
say, Mrs. Cochrane.

You're becoming quite
a poet, Mr. Merrim...

MARY: Mrs. Trotter's ringing
for wine, so come up quick!

Should have thought
she needed something

a bit stronger than wine.

Ethel, what's the
matter with you?

For heaven's sake,
use your handkerchief.

We don't want
salt in the sorbet.

It's them two getting married.

Well, what's wrong with that?

We've both been
married, haven't we?

But we're both widows!

Now, look, I'm not
speaking for meself,

but widows can
get married again,

especially young,

good-looking ones like you.

I don't want to get married
again, Mrs. Cochrane.

All I want is my Clive back.

That's all I want.

Time will heal.

No, it won't.

And I'll never get to see
that Wembley exhibition,

not unless they have
outings for war widows.

Look, you go and sit down.

I'll finish this.

She does make life
hard for herself, that girl.

Don't sound like
Dame Patti to me.

Meant to be opera,
"Cosi van tutti."

More like the parrot
house at the zoo.

It's an hour of Irish
song and humor.

Eh?

Bloke who invented
that thing should be shot.

That's what I think, and
Fred agrees with me.

Here, Mary, what about this?

Where is it?

What is it? My hands are wet.

"Coulsdon, corner shop

in agreeable suburban district.

"Tobacconist, confectionary,

news agency,
established business."

That's a nice area,

a lot of good places
to take Fred walks.

I'm not slaving
away day and night

in a crowded little shop

while you go down
the pub for a chat

or take Fred on the
recreation ground.

Recreation ground?

There's parks in
Coulsdon, big...

Well, there was recreation
grounds where I come from.

We're staying here.

Slaving the rest
of our lives for her?

It's not slaving, for one thing.

And another thing,
she's been kind enough

to offer us a nice,
little flat to ourselves.

Only because she
wants to keep us.

And another thing!

There's such a thing as loyalty.

Loyalty!?

After the way she spoke
to us the other day?

She had a bit of
a shock, that's all.

And no wonder!

Look, Mary, when
we're married...

well, we aren't
married yet, are we?

And I sometimes
wonder if we ever will be.

Are you serious?

No.

But Fred and I are staying here!

Aren't we, Fred?

Whatever you decide to do.

All the women
turning against me,

as per usual.

No wonder men
never get a chance.

Never have and never will.

"If I were to search my memory

"For the finest earthly
example of a guardian angel,

"I should unhesitatingly
plump for Mary phillips,

"Who looks after Mrs. Trotter

with devoted
tenderness and attention."

I like that.

Fussy old hen, more like.

I like the whole thing,
actually, quite remarkable.

Finished, then, have you, Major?

I was flattered to see
that one or two suggestions

that I had made were
included. Who else has read it?

Well, I haven't,
and I'm not going to.

Mary has.

I like the beginning.

"My cousin had warned me
that the rates were negligible

"If Mrs. Trotter liked you,

"Exorbitant if she didn't;

"That the food was delicious
when you finally got it;

"That most of the guests
were mad as hatters;

that Mrs. Trotter was the most
remarkable woman in England."

Absolutely true.

Should be a remarkable
thing, you know.

Yeah, should be,
but it's not going to be,

because it's going in
there, where it belongs.

You can't do that!

I can and I have.

But it's all true!

Yeah, I know, but it's private.

It's not going to
be written down

so people who have no
business to can read it.

But that poor American woman!

She's not poor!

Her cousin Rikki's
got $40 million.

I told her I don't
like scribblers,

nor their scribbles.

That's my life
she's writin' about.

I do what I like with my life,

always have done, always will.

Oh, come on, sounds
like we're missing a party.

♪ You're weaving love
into a mad jazz pattern. ♪

♪ Ruled by Pantaloon, ♪

♪ Poor little rich girl, ♪

♪ Don't drop a stitch too soon! ♪

Louisa! Louisa!

CROWD: Louisa!

All right, all right, all right.

What shall I sing, then?

Sing "Old Mr. Porter," madam!

Shut up!

"Hold your Hand Out,"
that's what I'm going to sing.

♪ At the club one evening ♪

♪ Jones was
telling all his pals ♪

♪ How much he hated girls, ♪

♪ Despised their golden curls ♪

♪ "You'll never
catch me with a girl" ♪

♪ "you bet your life," said he, ♪

♪ Girls possess
no charms for me! ♪

♪ Then one chap at
Jones began to leer, ♪

♪ Picked up his cane and
said to him, "Come here!" ♪

♪ Hold your hand
out, you naughty boy! ♪

♪ Hold your hand
out, you naughty boy! ♪

♪ Last night in the
pale moonlight ♪

♪ I saw ya! I saw ya! ♪

♪ With a nice girl in the park ♪

♪ You were strolling full of joy, ♪

♪ And you'd told me you'd
never kissed a girl before, ♪

♪ Hold your hand
out, you naughty boy! ♪

Come on, everyone!

♪ Hold your hand
out, you naughty boy! ♪

♪ Hold your hand
out, you naughty boy! ♪

♪ Last night in the
pale moonlight ♪

♪ I saw ya! I saw ya! ♪

♪ Wth a nice girl in the park ♪

♪ You were
strolling full of joy, ♪

♪ And you told me you'd
never kissed a girl before, ♪

♪ Hold your hand
out, you naughty boy! ♪

No, no, no.

Thanks a lot.

It's time for bed.

Good night, everyone.

CROWD: Good night, Louisa.

And God bless you.

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