The Duchess of Duke Street (1976–1977): Season 1, Episode 6 - For Love or Money - full transcript
Louisa welcomes Baron Paul Oppendorf supposedly a friend of Charlie Tyrrell who is away at the moment. He is in fact a womanizer and a con artist and he has his eyes set on both pursuits while at the hotel. He strikes as friendship with a visiting US Senator and soon introduces him to a fabulous machine into which you insert a £5 note and twelve hours later, it will produce an exact duplicate. It's all a hoax of course, but the Senator desperately wants to buy it. As for his amorous pursuits, he sets his sight on Lady Adam, the young and somewhat neglected bride of the gruff and much older Sir George Adam. The Baron arranges to get his hands on the key to the connecting door between their rooms and she is soon in his bed. Throughout, Louisa keeps a watchful eye on the events as they unfold.
Hmm. Thank you.
Will this suit you,
Sir George?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Got a bathroom?
LOUISA: Of course.
Oh, good morning.
Of course, he'll be gone
by the time you come.
I should hope so.
Got a room for my wife?
Well, ain't that bed
big enough, then?
My dear good woman,
no sensible man
wants to spend all night
in bed with a woman
if he can afford not to.
Well, there's
this room over here.
SIR GEORGE: Mm-hmm.
SIR GEORGE: Yeah.
Yes, that'll do.
How much do you charge?
With breakfast,
3 guineas.
Ruinous!
You people
are all robbers.
Is that including
a sitting room as well?
No, I'm sorry, Sir George.
They're all took.
Well, this one seems
empty enough.
Uh-uh.
That's Haslemere's,
and it's promised
to a titled gentleman
come from the continent--
a baron.
Oh. Damned foreigners.
Far as I'm concerned,
Mrs. Trotter,
black men
begin at Calais.
STARR: Your tickets,
my lord.
Starts at
a quarter to 8:00.
Madam.
Ahem.
Champagne
and petits fours
in your room
at midnight, sir.
General Clark's expecting you,
my lord...number 5.
Up the stairs;
second door on the left.
Ah.
Your carriage is
waiting, my lord.
I should damn well
hope it is waiting.
If it weren't,
I'd sack me coachman.
We're going to the opera,
and we're late as usual.
Good evening, sir.
Starr?
Yes, sir.
Oh, baron. Yes, sir.
We're expecting you.
Lord Haslemere told me
to trust you in everything
except your advice
on horses.
MAN: Mrs. Trotter,
how about some more Champagne?
Oh, thank you,
senator.
SIR GEORGE: What the devil
have you been doing, woman?
I'm so sorry, George.
Please don't be angry.
If you could spare
a moment, baron,
Mrs. Trotter
would like to see you.
Of course.
Who is that man?
I've no idea.
Why was he
ogling you, hmm?
Some damned
poodle-faker.
Come on.
This is indeed
a pleasure.
It's nice to
have you, baron.
How long
will you be staying?
Oh, a few days...
perhaps a week.
I've come over especially
for important conferences
with my tailor
and my shirtmaker.
I'll put you in
Lord Haslemere's rooms,
seeing as how
he's a friend of yours.
A very good friend.
He sends his kindest regards.
How is he?
In the best of health.
And since he saved the old
Marchese Fantucci from drowning
when her carriage went
careering into the harbor,
he is the toast
of Monte Carlo.
MAN: Monte Carlo?
Who said Monte Carlo?
Don't mind him.
Senator, meet...
this is Baron Paul...
what's your name?
Oppendorf.
Meet the senator.
Well, honored to make
your acquaintance, baron;
deeply honored.
You know, you're
the first genuine baron
I've ever had the honor
to bump into.
Well, ain't you gonna offer
the baron a drink, senator?
Indeed I am.
Must have a drink
from my, uh...
what do you call it,
Mrs. Trotter?
LOUISA:
Your cherry-bum.
Ha ha ha!
My cherry-bum.
He's ever such
a nice boy, really...
me first American.
Quelle chance.
Uh...
BARON: Oh.
Thank you.
Very pleased
and honored
to propose a toast
to the baron.
A real live genuine
cherry-bum
for a real live
genuine baron.
Skin off your nose.
Oh, and off yours,
Mrs. Trotter.
Ah.
You will excuse me,
senator,
if I drink
to my own health.
STARR:
More for number 3?
Yeah.
Whiskey, after all
that Champagne?
Yeah. The American
gentleman,
like many others
I observed
who've come
from that country,
appears to have
hollow legs.
What are they
doing up there?
They're playing poker,
and the American gentleman
is using marked cards.
Come on, Fred.
Christen the lamppost
one last time.
Then we'll shut up shop
and go to bed.
Raise you 10.
Double.
Oof!
Ha ha ha ha!
I...see you.
Oh, you have a flush.
Is that right?
No, no, baron.
That is called
a full house.
Queens high.
That's right.
Full house, queens high.
You're too good
for me, senator.
Ah, you'll get the knack
in time, baron.
I'm quite astonished
to find
that you've never
played poker before,
do you know that?
Thank you.
Will that be all, sir?
That'll be all,
thank you.
A few games of Bezique
and a hand of Piquet
with my old great-aunt
the princess...
that's about all the cards
that were allowed in my family.
Help yourself, senator.
I'm not a real senator,
you know, baron.
That's, uh, just one
of Mrs. Trotter's
wry little jokes.
My name is Croker...
Collis C. Croker.
I'm delighted to make
your acquaintance, Mr. Croker.
Call me Collis.
Collis.
I'm gratified.
I'm just a country boy
from Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
Made my pile
canning beef; Chicago.
"C.C.C., The best beef
there be."
Expect
you've heard of it.
Oh, yes, of course.
Yeah. C.C.C., that's me.
Ha ha!
Nothing wrong
with money, eh, baron?
No, indeed.
I'm glad
to hear you say that.
I wouldn't be here now
without it.
Yeah, only one thing
wrong with my life.
What's that?
My wife.
She's not here?
God forbid.
Oh!
No, she's been took
religious.
She's in Des Moines.
She's took religious,
and she's took
against drinking.
Nearly ruined my life.
I had to invent
this trip to Europe
just to save my sanity.
Ha ha ha!
Another drink?
Why not?
I only got
another week.
No time
to waste, huh?
Yeah. Ha ha!
If you won't think it rude
my asking, baron,
what do you do?
Do?
Oh, for a living.
A living?
Oh, you mean
how do I live.
Well, I live, uh...
Like...like this.
A pleasant
sort of way.
No, no. I mean,
what do you do for work?
Work?
Yeah.
What work do you do?
But I don't do any work.
Well, none of
your family do any work?
Not that I've heard of;
not for several hundred
years, anyway.
You see, my family have
always had big estates
in Bohemia and Thuringia.
Money and commerce
are never mentioned at home.
Well, hell,
you must be rich...
not ever to
have to make money,
not even to talk
about it.
In fact, I can only think
of one of my forebears
who made money...
my great-great-uncle
Philip.
He did literally
make money.
Well, most people have
to make money to live.
No, no.
I mean, he actually
manufactured money.
Ha ha ha ha!
You mean he had
a printing press, huh?
A mint of his own?
I think it's a story
better left hidden
in the mists of time.
Not a very
creditable chapter
in the history
of my family, huh?
Look, baron,
I won't think
no worse of you
or your family for it.
I've sailed
pretty close to the wind
once or twice myself.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Toward the end
of the 18th century,
it became clear to
my great-great-uncle Philip
that one of the foremen
on his estates
had sired a young man
with a genius for invention.
My great-great-uncle,
being a philanthropic
sort of man,
sent the boy
to study in Vienna,
where he quickly astonished
his professors.
One of his inventions
was a machine for
reproducing paper money...
a sort of magic box.
Well, that's a useful
kind of box.
I wish people
could still make
toys like that.
Anyway, it probably
wasn't quite as good
as he said it was
at the time.
Oh, yes, it was.
And you really
know that for sure?
Oh, yes. You see,
the box still exists.
Exists?
You mean, uh...
Where?
Under guard
in a vault.
Uh-huh. Somewhere
on the continent?
No, no. Here in London,
as a matter of fact.
I always take it with me
wherever I go.
It is a promise I made to
my father on his deathbed,
when he put it into my hands.
Put it into your hands?
It's not, uh...
No, no, no, no.
Well, uh...ha ha ha!
What's it like?
A small wooden box,
beautifully made;
typical 18th-century
craftsmanship.
Boy, what I'd give
just to see it.
You couldn't, uh...
No, no, of course not.
What?
Well, allow me the very
special privilege
of seeing it, huh?
Just once?
Well, perhaps sometime
before I leave.
Well, that'd just about
cap my trip to Europe.
All right. If it would really
amuse you so very much,
I'll bring it here
tomorrow.
To this very room?
For your eyes alone.
Baron...
I am deeply gratified;
may I say, touched by
your confidence in me.
Well, you have a singer
for a neighbor.
Yes. Hope she doesn't
go on all night, huh?
I say, could I borrow
back 10 pounds?
Surely.
Let you have it back
in the morning.
Good night, Collis.
Good night, baron.
No cabs about anywhere,
I'm afraid, sir.
If I don't get one,
I shall be late
for a most important
engagement.
Cabs are as
difficult to find
as honest
horse dealers
on wet days
like this one, sir.
Oh, excuse me.
Might I ask in which direction
you're going?
Savile Row, madam,
but I have
no conveyance.
But I have my carriage,
and I'm going to Bond Street.
Would you think it
very forward of me
to offer you
a lift in it?
Indeed I would not.
Good morning, Lady Adam.
Good morning, baron.
You have met?
Not exactly.
Might I
introduce you?
BARON: Lady Adam is an angel
sent straight from heaven
as far as
I'm concerned.
Oh, that's nice.
She's about to save me
from the ultimate disgrace:
being late for an appointment
with my tailor.
Oh.
LADY ADAM: But, George,
it was raining so hard.
All I did was give
the poor man a lift.
Have you considered
what people will say
when they hear that
the new young wife
of Sir George Adam
is in the habit of
taking strange men
round the West End
of London
in his carriage?
I shall be the
laughingstock of London.
It was quite a short way,
and he was so grateful.
Oh, yes, yes,
I'm sure he was.
So will all the gossips
be grateful as well.
You've no idea
how to behave, madam...
none at all.
It's the way a woman
of the town would act;
a streetwalker; a whore.
George, I won't be
spoken to like that!
You will. Yeah.
You're not the first
bad-mannered filly
I've broken in me time.
You need teaching a lesson,
and you shall be.
LADY ADAM:
look, George, I'm sorry.
Too late!
Stop it
this instant,
or I'll
send you home!
But, George, my maid!
I'm not undressed!
Don't tell me
you can't
undress yourself!
Oh! I...
Well, have you got
the machine?
As promised.
I must ask you
to give me your word
that everything
you see or hear
in this room within
the next few minutes
will go no further
than these 4 walls.
Surely I will.
Ahem.
Ah.
Here it is.
And here...
Is one of the first notes
the boy made with it.
Hmm.
Well, how many
of these boxes
did that young
fellow make?
Only one. This is
the only one in existence.
Shortly after
the boy made it,
he met with
a fatal accident...
arranged, some say,
by my great-great-uncle.
You see,
philanthropist as he was,
he was also
a very practical man,
and he believed there are
some people on this earth
who are better dead
than alive
for the safety of
the rest of mankind.
I guess your uncle
had his head screwed on
the right way.
I suppose
it should really be
in a scientific
museum, but...
Well, I like to keep it
as a souvenir, a heirloom,
a beautiful and amusing
toy, if you like.
If only it still worked.
Oh, it's in perfect
working order.
It's not.
Yes, it is.
Of course, I never use it
except very occasionally
to amuse my friends.
You see,
in the wrong hands,
it could be rather
a dangerous toy.
That's why I make sure
very few people even
know of its existence.
Mmm. You're right there;
dead right.
I, uh, I suppose
I couldn't ask you
to give me the very
great privilege
of a, uh,
a demonstration.
Well, why not?
May I have the loan of the note
you lent me last night
for just
a little longer?
Surely.
Here is your note.
Mm-hmm.
And similar paper,
you see?
Mm-hmm.
I assure you, no harm
will come to your money.
The secret
of how it works
died with
its inventor,
but the mechanism is
activated by clockwork.
Well, uh, how long
does it take?
12 hours;
12 hours precisely.
So...
Now...
We will leave it
in peace...
And I hope
you will pay me
another visit
this evening.
Surely.
Oh.
Yes? Come in.
Any boots
for cleaning, sir?
Oh, yes. I wanted
a word with you, Starr.
Now, what about a drink?
Oh, I must show you the most
delightful brocade I found
for a waistcoat...
or perhaps
a dressing gown, huh?
Ha ha!
Very tasteful, baron.
But if you'll excuse me,
I have to be off to
a luncheon engagement.
Oh, well, au revoir
till this evening.
I don't know how
I'll stick the waiting.
STARR: I went for
the baron's boots, madam,
and he asked me
confidential
if a way
could be found
for him to have
possession of the key
to the connecting door
to the next room.
I see.
Well, why not let him
have his bit of fun?
He's a nice-looking boy.
Here you are.
Now, careful
how it's done, eh?
Of course, ma'am.
Here, Starr. How much?
How much what, madam?
How much grease
did he put on your palm?
Come on.
I wasn't born yesterday.
8 quid for Lady Adam
and Eve and kiss me quick?
That's a bit cheap,
isn't it?
Here you are.
Here's your perks.
And don't forget, no one
else in this hotel
goes about
selling keys...only me.
No, indeed, madam,
not on no account.
Right.
Precisely 12 hours.
Good.
You will lock
the door, please.
This part is rather
complicated.
Now, we wait
10 seconds.
No, no, don't...
don't touch.
There we are.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Well...well, I can't tell
which is the false one.
Neither of them
is false.
One is an exact copy
of the other.
No one could
tell them apart.
Not even an expert?
In the morning,
you take them to a bank
or rather, to separate
banks, of course.
Ha ha ha! Of course.
Ask the opinion
of anyone in the bank...
the teller, the cashier,
anyone you like.
But be careful never
to let a living soul
see you with those
two notes together.
No one in this country
knows of the existence
of this machine
except you and me.
Oh, I swear I won't.
Don't let anyone see you
leaving my room, eh?
Be on the safe side.
Yes.
The porter requested me
to give you this, sir.
Oh, thank you,
Merriman.
Will that be all, sir?
That will be all,
thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Uh, porridge
and deviled kidneys
for breakfast
as usual, sir?
As usual.
Thank you, Merriman.
Thank you, sir.
Shh. Oh, my dear
Lady Adam,
I had no idea
this was your room.
Yes.
I heard the noise
of someone apparently
in distress,
and finding the door
was open, I...
Please accept
my apologies.
I'm sorry if I have
disturbed you.
Good evening.
Oh, baron, wait.
Please wait.
What is it?
Oh, my Lady is unhappy.
Yes.
Warm yourself.
Oh, thank you.
Oh!
Would you like
some coffee
and a sandwich?
Oh, yes, please.
I'm famished.
Thank you.
I say, what a nice
room you've got.
Yes.
You do have a lot of pictures
of animals, don't you?
They're so much nicer
than human beings...
I mean, much more handsome.
Don't you agree?
Most human beings.
We have a picture
of a bull at home...
a prize bull.
Must have weighed tons.
It's got the biggest,
biggest horns
you've ever seen.
Thank you.
And sheep...
Not looking like
real sheep at all,
but a lot of
woolly haystacks.
I say,
what a funny box.
BARON: Oh, please
don't touch it.
Why not?
Well, it's rather
delicate.
You're just like
my husband.
He won't let me touch
any of the china
or anything at home
in case I break it.
Oh. Ha ha!
Excuse me.
Haven't had any supper.
No supper?
But you could always
ring the bell
for a waiter.
My door's locked.
My husband locks me
in my room at night.
But...but why?
He's angry with me.
You see, ever since
we've been in London,
men keep looking at me.
Well, I can't help it.
You should take it
as a compliment.
Oh, I do,
but my husband doesn't.
He was furious with me
because of you.
Because of me?
Because I took you
in our carriage.
Now, is that
so very wrong?
I thought perhaps it was
with his permission.
I shall, of course,
explain everything
in the morning.
Oh, no, no, don't.
He wouldn't understand.
You see, he thinks
you're a poodle-faker,
and he doesn't
very much like foreigners.
Oh, forgive me
for saying that.
It's not what I think.
But I'm sorry to say that
I'm finding my husband is...
Rather a bad-tempered
old man.
My dear poor lady,
don't cry.
Thank you.
There.
Yes.
That's better.
May I ask you
a personal question?
Yes.
Why did you marry
Sir George?
Was it to escape
from something else?
Well, yes.
How did you know that?
Well,
most people marry
to escape
from something.
Do they? Gracious, how sad.
What were you trying
to escape from?
Oh, everything, I suppose;
the life I was leading.
You see, we live
in the country,
where George
is the local bigwig.
My father was a parson,
but he died last year
and left my sister,
my mother, and myself
without hardly a penny...
poor as churchmice.
I didn't mind
so much being poor,
because I was
used to it,
but life at home
was awful
because my sister
is a pig...
quite a nice-looking pig,
but a pig,
and we used to quarrel
all the time.
Well, I was faced
with having to become
the companion of
an awful old harridan
when George saw me
in church.
He doesn't often go,
so it must have been
Easter or something.
He kept staring at me
from that great big
family pew of his
with all the coats
of arms on it.
He really looked
like God.
Then after church,
he talked to my mother,
saying how sorry he was
that father had died
and that sort of thing.
Then he invited us
for tea,
and then the next Sunday,
he asked me to marry him.
And you said yes?
Well, yes.
He lived in a great house
in a lovely park,
and everybody said
how rich he was.
My poor mother was so
pathetically pleased.
Of course,
I didn't know George then,
but I don't think anybody does
when they get married.
I've no idea.
I'm not married myself.
Oh. Well, I don't
think they do.
The whole thing's bound
to be like a lottery.
And you really married
for your family's sake?
That was
a kind thing to do.
Well, not really.
I married to spite my sister,
if you really want to know,
because she was so jealous.
Wasn't that wicked?
Yes.
Have some brandy.
Oh, yes, please.
Oh, no. I've eaten
all your sandwiches.
Don't worry.
I did have supper.
May I give you
some advice?
Yes, please.
Be very careful
to behave
absolutely correctly
to your husband
and to everyone else
in public,
however boring
it may be,
and then you will be
able to enjoy yourself
more easily in private.
You mean play possum?
I have not heard
the expression.
We used to say it
at school.
Ah.
Will you teach me?
Teach you what?
How to enjoy myself
more easily in private.
Well...
We'll have to see.
But not tonight.
The senator's
in a hurry, Fred.
It's a miracle, baron;
a goddamn miracle.
I went to
the bank of America,
the First National Bank
of Chicago,
and both the chief cashiers
say the notes are genuine.
Of course.
Hey. Hey, that's mine.
No, no,
that one's yours.
This one's mine.
But how do you know
which one is which?
You said there was
no difference.
No, there was.
Ah. One of them was
counterfeit, wasn't it?
No. They were both
exactly the same.
Oh, but, uh,
tearing up money...
That seems a real pity.
Well, I have to admit that
sometimes even I am tempted.
Well, uh...
If you ever need money,
I'll, uh, I'll buy
that box off you...
for cash...at a really
handsome price.
No, no, no.
No question of that.
I don't want to sound
too old-fashioned.
It's...
It's a question
of honor;
family honor.
Family honor, huh?
Now, that's
a damn tough thing
for a man like me
to understand.
Yeah, that's, uh,
that's something
mighty powerful.
I'm sorry, Collis.
I have to get dressed.
I have an appointment
with my bootmaker.
Sure. Sure.
Uh, perhaps a little
poker game later on?
Why not?
I bought some cards.
Oh, I don't know.
Talk about
throwing money away.
I thought it was right
to draw your attention
to this incident, ma'am.
Yeah, you were
quite right, Merriman.
For a man who looks like
a desiccated old bat,
you've got remarkable
sharp eyes.
Thank you, ma'am.
As you were kind enough
to observe,
the good lord has blessed me
with a good pair of eyes,
and eyes are to be used,
if you take my meaning.
Come on, out with it.
Stop blethering.
I should like to draw
your attention
to another aspect of
the gentleman in number 3.
What aspect?
If you could spare me
5 minutes, ma'am.
LOUISA: You've got
no right to go poking
and prying about
in the guests' rooms.
No, ma'am,
of course not.
It's just
I happened to observe...
what is it, then?
Peculiar-looking thing.
Bomb, is it?
Not that I know of,
ma'am, no.
It's just I happen
to remember
seeing a similar object
many years ago
when I was working
in the first-class
dining saloon
on a passenger ship.
It belonged
to a gentleman...
he was also a foreign
gentleman, ma'am.
And another gentleman
appeared at the time
and bought it off
the first gentleman.
Merriman...
Well, anyway, when we
reached the Plate...
that's the River Plate
in South America, ma'am...
the police came on board
and arrested
the foreign gentleman.
Crook, was he?
Oh, yes, ma'am, so it
appeared at the time.
He went to prison,
certainly,
and no doubt
he never come out.
Oh, them prisons in
South America, ma'am...
what was his crime?
That I never did
find out exactly, ma'am,
but the police
came back,
and they examined
every single piece
of paper money
there was on that ship.
Well, you're a proper
little old Sherlock Holmes,
and no mistake.
Thank you, ma'am.
If I might
suggest it, ma'am,
don't you think
it might be advisable
to warn the American
gentleman?
Warn him?
Warn him about what?
Look, Merriman,
you're the waiter here,
not the bloody manager.
What people do
or don't do in this hotel
is their business
and mine.
Hey?
And I'm not the law,
except when it comes to
getting rid of me staff.
Yeah, but...
Can I double?
Sure you can,
if you want to.
Well,
I'm probably wrong...
But I'll double.
I'll see you.
Full house, kings high.
You're sure getting
a real knack
for this game, baron.
These new cards must
be lucky. Your deal.
Well, if you'll
forgive me, baron,
I've got something
more serious than cards
to talk to you about.
All day, I haven't
been able to get
the thought of that box
out of my mind.
If you'll excuse me
saying so,
it's far too valuable
to be left lying around
in hotel rooms where
anyone could steal it.
Oh, I'm sure no one
except you or I
would have the least idea
what it was.
Or hidden away
in some old vault
where no one
could ever see it.
Look, that box is
of great historic
and scientific interest.
I've got a proposition
to put to you, baron.
Ever since I, uh,
I set foot in Europe,
I've...I've been deeply
impressed by the...
By the sense of history,
the sense of tradition
that I've found
all around me.
Well, I guess
we'd all like to leave
a little bit of
ourselves on this earth
to be remembered by.
Well...
I am gonna build
a museum.
The Collis C. Croker
museum of science.
Well, that's
a noble idea.
Bang in the middle
of one of the greatest
cities in the world...
Chicago.
People are gonna come
from all over
the civilized world to
see that museum, baron,
and shall I
tell you why?
They will make
a pilgrimage
to the Oppendorf room
of my museum
to see one of
the great marvels
of scientific history.
That is, if you'll
let me have your box.
It's a most generous
offer, Collis,
and don't think
I don't appreciate it.
It's just that...
Well, I have to
think of the promise
I made to my father
and the promise...
the name of your family
will be preserved
and honored forevermore
in the halls
of fame, baron.
I'll give you
$20,000 for it.
In cash.
24,000. Now, that is
really being generous.
He said to get it all
from the Marconi office
before it closes.
Yeah. Well, you'd
better run off, then.
I'll keep an eye
on the hall.
Here, Starr, hang on a mo.
I want to send
a cable meself
to Lord Haslemere.
Well, don't stand
there gawking.
I'll bring it out.
Madam.
My dear lady,
you called me?
No.
Yes.
How can I help you?
I'm cold...and lonely.
I see.
Well...
We'll have to do
something about it.
Won't we?
22...
23...
24.
I hope I'm doing
the right thing.
Sure you are.
Ah.
Have you...have you got
those instructions
written out for me?
But you won't be
using it,
so you won't need them.
Oh, of course not,
but it'll be more, uh,
more interesting
historically,
scientifically,
if we have them framed
by the exhibit itself.
So it will.
Hmm.
Thank you. Ahem.
And you'll want
the key, won't you?
Oh, hey,
I'd forgotten that.
Well, yes, yes.
Best be thorough.
Ahh.
When I, uh, when I have
the museum built, baron,
I'll, uh, I'll have you
come over and open it.
I shall look forward
to that greatly.
You can always find me
via the Ritz in Paris.
Fine. Fine.
Just whistle up
your carriage,
Sir George.
Yes.
BARON: Good evening,
Mrs. Trotter.
Good evening, baron.
Off to the ball.
Make a handsome
couple, don't they?
They say it's
a real love match.
I trust you're enjoying
your stay in London.
Oh, yes, yes, very much;
very much indeed.
I'm sorry to say
it's coming to an end.
I should like my bill
in the morning, please.
Oh, I'm glad of that...
glad I'm not gonna
have to chuck you out.
Oh, you British!
I shall never
understand you.
Mmm.
Oh, Paul...
Darling Paul.
We've only got
a few more hours left.
Only think of
the present;
never the future.
But it's so difficult.
I wish you'd found me
before my husband did.
So do I.
Still, it's hardly likely
that you would have
stumbled across me
in a Buckinghamshire
Vicarage.
Paul...
Why don't we
run away together?
Now, this minute!
That wouldn't be
fair on you.
But I don't care.
I'd go anywhere,
do anything with you.
I don't care
what people say.
I'd be yours
if you want me.
This is our secret love.
Only you and I
will ever know of it.
It is our special
treasure.
We mustn't do anything
that would destroy it.
We must be very patient
and very careful.
Oh, Paul, you're so wise.
But you will promise
to come back and find me
and take me off to
St. Petersburg or Paris
or Prague...
wherever you're living?
Where do you live,
my lovely Paul?
I live nowhere
and everywhere.
Everywhere!
That'll do for me.
Right at the moment...
I live here.
Yes...in my heart.
Can you feel it
beating for you?
Not locked tonight.
Ooh, George must
have forgotten.
Oh, Paul...
Darling Paul.
We are tragic figures,
you and I,
locked in
our secret heaven...
this old brass bed
our magic carpet,
and doomed to be parted
at dawn forever.
Make a lovely,
sad fairy story.
You talk
a lot of nonsense.
Something to tell
our grandchildren.
Oh, I think you've got
the most beautiful eyes
in the world.
Mrs. Trotter...
Oh, good morning,
Lady Adam.
You're up with
the lark this mor...
here, what's
the matter?
Come and have
a nice cup of tea.
Mrs. Trotter, something
terrible's happened.
Oh, it's difficult
for me to tell you,
but I must tell
someone.
And as it's your hotel,
really, you're the only
person I can tell.
Sir George
been at you again?
No.
Mrs. Trotter, my diamonds
have been stolen.
Oh, my God.
And what's worse,
I'm sure it was the baron
who stole them.
How can you be so sure?
Because I saw him.
Now, please, please
don't call the police.
No. I wasn't going to.
If my husband
discovers...
Well, he'll kill me.
Look, the awful thing is
that on the way home,
we were meant to be putting
them back in the bank.
Does your maid know?
No, but if she finds out,
she'll tell.
She's a sneaky old brute.
You were the only person
I could think of
who could help me.
Well, I don't know.
Come on.
Who, me?
Yeah.
Can't I stay here?
No. We might have to
have a bit of a bash-up
with that bad old baron.
Ain't seen number 3,
have you?
The baron?
No, ma'am.
Not gone out, has he?
No, madam...not leastways
the front way.
Right. Come on.
Who's that for,
Mr. Merriman?
Sir George's breakfast.
You'll want to
watch out
you don't have it
chucked in your face.
It won't be
the first time.
Gentlemen with Sir George's
temperament and nature
are never easy
to please.
But there's a reward
in it sometimes...
when they smile.
This is the drawer
he took them from.
There's the case
still.
It must have been
a nightmare.
SIR GEORGE:
Huh? A nightmare?
I'm not surprised,
after all that caviar.
Oh, yes,
George, dear.
And I couldn't
sleep,
so I went
for a walk.
Sensible girl.
Well, what's going
on here, huh?
Regular hen's party.
Your wife was
just showing me
her beautiful
diamonds, Sir George.
My beautiful
diamonds,
Mrs. Trotter.
Well, I propose
to do you
the single honor
of breaking
my fast in here,
with your
permission.
Ah.
I was proud
of my wife
last night,
Mrs. Trotter.
She not only
engaged
the favorable
attention
of the King
of England,
but she made
all the other
damn women
look like a lot
of [indistinct].
Well, that's too much.
No, it ain't,
not considering.
Considering what?
Considering
you're not a baron
not no more
than I am.
Well, a little
more surely,
I am at least of
the masculine gender.
"Baron Oppendorf,
alias Count Ginsky,
alias
Prince Zhanovsky."
They're highly titled,
your family.
What is
all this nonsense?
I wired to Haslemere,
seeing as how
he's a mate of yours,
to check up.
He says here
he's found out
you're nothing but
a common little crook
wanted by
the froggy police
for crimes too numerous
to recount.
He advises me
to contact
Scotland Yard
immediately.
Which, being
a sensible woman
and mindful of the
reputation of your hotel,
you haven't done.
No.
And will not do?
That depends.
I don't promise nothing.
Who are you, baron?
A soldier of fortune
fighting the good fight
in the great battle of life.
I'm not Daisy Adam.
My father kept
a livery stable in Hounslow.
I grew up to prefer women
and money to horses,
so I went into service.
Oh, we do have something
in common, then.
I went to Amsterdam
with a diplomat as his valet.
Well, it didn't take long
for me to realize
how easily greedy men are
parted from their money
and how irresistibly
attractive I am to women.
Not all women.
No.
No, rich,
lonely women
whose husbands
didn't care anymore
or who were too concerned
with their latest mistress.
Sad women, mainly,
who wanted a man;
women who, luckily for me,
are stupidly careless
where they put their jewelry.
Ain't you getting
a bit careless yourself?
Ha ha! Bored.
I took risks
for the fun of it.
I came here for a...rest.
I didn't intend to work,
but, well...
Who could resist Lady Adam?
Or the senator.
Or our dear
greedy old senator.
$24,000
for a rotten old box?
There's not much
you don't seem to know.
Well, when
you run a hotel,
you want to know
what's going on.
We're two of
a kind, really.
Thanks
for the compliment.
It was your suggestion,
wasn't it?
Yeah, we give 'em
what they want.
We make 'em pay for it.
But I do it straight,
and you cheat 'em.
It's a bit different,
you know.
Not much.
What was in that box?
Some simple clockwork,
a couple of rollers,
and a tin tray, that's all.
I've got a little joiner
knocks 'em up for me
quite cheap in Brussels.
Do you know, I've sold
5 of those in a year?
Makes a profitable
sideline.
Exactly.
Men who are really greedy
will buy anything.
And when our friend
the senator
tried to cheat me
at poker...
I mean me,
of all people...
using marked cards,
well, I thought he needed
teaching a lesson.
Well, I must be off,
or I shall miss my boat.
If I might pay
my bill, please...
What are you doing?
Adding a naught.
900 guineas?
That is sheer blackmail.
Oh, what a rude word
to use to a lady.
I'll take it in dollars
if it's more convenient.
Thanks.
Good-bye, Mrs. Trotter.
It's been a pleasure
to have known you.
Good-bye, baron.
I hope never to set eyes
on you again.
You won't. I never draw
the same cover twice.
Here, baron.
Why did you put
them diamonds back?
Wasn't 'cause
you'd gone soft
on her ladyship, was it?
They weren't
diamonds at all.
Paste...
And not very
good paste at that.
Will this suit you,
Sir George?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Got a bathroom?
LOUISA: Of course.
Oh, good morning.
Of course, he'll be gone
by the time you come.
I should hope so.
Got a room for my wife?
Well, ain't that bed
big enough, then?
My dear good woman,
no sensible man
wants to spend all night
in bed with a woman
if he can afford not to.
Well, there's
this room over here.
SIR GEORGE: Mm-hmm.
SIR GEORGE: Yeah.
Yes, that'll do.
How much do you charge?
With breakfast,
3 guineas.
Ruinous!
You people
are all robbers.
Is that including
a sitting room as well?
No, I'm sorry, Sir George.
They're all took.
Well, this one seems
empty enough.
Uh-uh.
That's Haslemere's,
and it's promised
to a titled gentleman
come from the continent--
a baron.
Oh. Damned foreigners.
Far as I'm concerned,
Mrs. Trotter,
black men
begin at Calais.
STARR: Your tickets,
my lord.
Starts at
a quarter to 8:00.
Madam.
Ahem.
Champagne
and petits fours
in your room
at midnight, sir.
General Clark's expecting you,
my lord...number 5.
Up the stairs;
second door on the left.
Ah.
Your carriage is
waiting, my lord.
I should damn well
hope it is waiting.
If it weren't,
I'd sack me coachman.
We're going to the opera,
and we're late as usual.
Good evening, sir.
Starr?
Yes, sir.
Oh, baron. Yes, sir.
We're expecting you.
Lord Haslemere told me
to trust you in everything
except your advice
on horses.
MAN: Mrs. Trotter,
how about some more Champagne?
Oh, thank you,
senator.
SIR GEORGE: What the devil
have you been doing, woman?
I'm so sorry, George.
Please don't be angry.
If you could spare
a moment, baron,
Mrs. Trotter
would like to see you.
Of course.
Who is that man?
I've no idea.
Why was he
ogling you, hmm?
Some damned
poodle-faker.
Come on.
This is indeed
a pleasure.
It's nice to
have you, baron.
How long
will you be staying?
Oh, a few days...
perhaps a week.
I've come over especially
for important conferences
with my tailor
and my shirtmaker.
I'll put you in
Lord Haslemere's rooms,
seeing as how
he's a friend of yours.
A very good friend.
He sends his kindest regards.
How is he?
In the best of health.
And since he saved the old
Marchese Fantucci from drowning
when her carriage went
careering into the harbor,
he is the toast
of Monte Carlo.
MAN: Monte Carlo?
Who said Monte Carlo?
Don't mind him.
Senator, meet...
this is Baron Paul...
what's your name?
Oppendorf.
Meet the senator.
Well, honored to make
your acquaintance, baron;
deeply honored.
You know, you're
the first genuine baron
I've ever had the honor
to bump into.
Well, ain't you gonna offer
the baron a drink, senator?
Indeed I am.
Must have a drink
from my, uh...
what do you call it,
Mrs. Trotter?
LOUISA:
Your cherry-bum.
Ha ha ha!
My cherry-bum.
He's ever such
a nice boy, really...
me first American.
Quelle chance.
Uh...
BARON: Oh.
Thank you.
Very pleased
and honored
to propose a toast
to the baron.
A real live genuine
cherry-bum
for a real live
genuine baron.
Skin off your nose.
Oh, and off yours,
Mrs. Trotter.
Ah.
You will excuse me,
senator,
if I drink
to my own health.
STARR:
More for number 3?
Yeah.
Whiskey, after all
that Champagne?
Yeah. The American
gentleman,
like many others
I observed
who've come
from that country,
appears to have
hollow legs.
What are they
doing up there?
They're playing poker,
and the American gentleman
is using marked cards.
Come on, Fred.
Christen the lamppost
one last time.
Then we'll shut up shop
and go to bed.
Raise you 10.
Double.
Oof!
Ha ha ha ha!
I...see you.
Oh, you have a flush.
Is that right?
No, no, baron.
That is called
a full house.
Queens high.
That's right.
Full house, queens high.
You're too good
for me, senator.
Ah, you'll get the knack
in time, baron.
I'm quite astonished
to find
that you've never
played poker before,
do you know that?
Thank you.
Will that be all, sir?
That'll be all,
thank you.
A few games of Bezique
and a hand of Piquet
with my old great-aunt
the princess...
that's about all the cards
that were allowed in my family.
Help yourself, senator.
I'm not a real senator,
you know, baron.
That's, uh, just one
of Mrs. Trotter's
wry little jokes.
My name is Croker...
Collis C. Croker.
I'm delighted to make
your acquaintance, Mr. Croker.
Call me Collis.
Collis.
I'm gratified.
I'm just a country boy
from Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
Made my pile
canning beef; Chicago.
"C.C.C., The best beef
there be."
Expect
you've heard of it.
Oh, yes, of course.
Yeah. C.C.C., that's me.
Ha ha!
Nothing wrong
with money, eh, baron?
No, indeed.
I'm glad
to hear you say that.
I wouldn't be here now
without it.
Yeah, only one thing
wrong with my life.
What's that?
My wife.
She's not here?
God forbid.
Oh!
No, she's been took
religious.
She's in Des Moines.
She's took religious,
and she's took
against drinking.
Nearly ruined my life.
I had to invent
this trip to Europe
just to save my sanity.
Ha ha ha!
Another drink?
Why not?
I only got
another week.
No time
to waste, huh?
Yeah. Ha ha!
If you won't think it rude
my asking, baron,
what do you do?
Do?
Oh, for a living.
A living?
Oh, you mean
how do I live.
Well, I live, uh...
Like...like this.
A pleasant
sort of way.
No, no. I mean,
what do you do for work?
Work?
Yeah.
What work do you do?
But I don't do any work.
Well, none of
your family do any work?
Not that I've heard of;
not for several hundred
years, anyway.
You see, my family have
always had big estates
in Bohemia and Thuringia.
Money and commerce
are never mentioned at home.
Well, hell,
you must be rich...
not ever to
have to make money,
not even to talk
about it.
In fact, I can only think
of one of my forebears
who made money...
my great-great-uncle
Philip.
He did literally
make money.
Well, most people have
to make money to live.
No, no.
I mean, he actually
manufactured money.
Ha ha ha ha!
You mean he had
a printing press, huh?
A mint of his own?
I think it's a story
better left hidden
in the mists of time.
Not a very
creditable chapter
in the history
of my family, huh?
Look, baron,
I won't think
no worse of you
or your family for it.
I've sailed
pretty close to the wind
once or twice myself.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Toward the end
of the 18th century,
it became clear to
my great-great-uncle Philip
that one of the foremen
on his estates
had sired a young man
with a genius for invention.
My great-great-uncle,
being a philanthropic
sort of man,
sent the boy
to study in Vienna,
where he quickly astonished
his professors.
One of his inventions
was a machine for
reproducing paper money...
a sort of magic box.
Well, that's a useful
kind of box.
I wish people
could still make
toys like that.
Anyway, it probably
wasn't quite as good
as he said it was
at the time.
Oh, yes, it was.
And you really
know that for sure?
Oh, yes. You see,
the box still exists.
Exists?
You mean, uh...
Where?
Under guard
in a vault.
Uh-huh. Somewhere
on the continent?
No, no. Here in London,
as a matter of fact.
I always take it with me
wherever I go.
It is a promise I made to
my father on his deathbed,
when he put it into my hands.
Put it into your hands?
It's not, uh...
No, no, no, no.
Well, uh...ha ha ha!
What's it like?
A small wooden box,
beautifully made;
typical 18th-century
craftsmanship.
Boy, what I'd give
just to see it.
You couldn't, uh...
No, no, of course not.
What?
Well, allow me the very
special privilege
of seeing it, huh?
Just once?
Well, perhaps sometime
before I leave.
Well, that'd just about
cap my trip to Europe.
All right. If it would really
amuse you so very much,
I'll bring it here
tomorrow.
To this very room?
For your eyes alone.
Baron...
I am deeply gratified;
may I say, touched by
your confidence in me.
Well, you have a singer
for a neighbor.
Yes. Hope she doesn't
go on all night, huh?
I say, could I borrow
back 10 pounds?
Surely.
Let you have it back
in the morning.
Good night, Collis.
Good night, baron.
No cabs about anywhere,
I'm afraid, sir.
If I don't get one,
I shall be late
for a most important
engagement.
Cabs are as
difficult to find
as honest
horse dealers
on wet days
like this one, sir.
Oh, excuse me.
Might I ask in which direction
you're going?
Savile Row, madam,
but I have
no conveyance.
But I have my carriage,
and I'm going to Bond Street.
Would you think it
very forward of me
to offer you
a lift in it?
Indeed I would not.
Good morning, Lady Adam.
Good morning, baron.
You have met?
Not exactly.
Might I
introduce you?
BARON: Lady Adam is an angel
sent straight from heaven
as far as
I'm concerned.
Oh, that's nice.
She's about to save me
from the ultimate disgrace:
being late for an appointment
with my tailor.
Oh.
LADY ADAM: But, George,
it was raining so hard.
All I did was give
the poor man a lift.
Have you considered
what people will say
when they hear that
the new young wife
of Sir George Adam
is in the habit of
taking strange men
round the West End
of London
in his carriage?
I shall be the
laughingstock of London.
It was quite a short way,
and he was so grateful.
Oh, yes, yes,
I'm sure he was.
So will all the gossips
be grateful as well.
You've no idea
how to behave, madam...
none at all.
It's the way a woman
of the town would act;
a streetwalker; a whore.
George, I won't be
spoken to like that!
You will. Yeah.
You're not the first
bad-mannered filly
I've broken in me time.
You need teaching a lesson,
and you shall be.
LADY ADAM:
look, George, I'm sorry.
Too late!
Stop it
this instant,
or I'll
send you home!
But, George, my maid!
I'm not undressed!
Don't tell me
you can't
undress yourself!
Oh! I...
Well, have you got
the machine?
As promised.
I must ask you
to give me your word
that everything
you see or hear
in this room within
the next few minutes
will go no further
than these 4 walls.
Surely I will.
Ahem.
Ah.
Here it is.
And here...
Is one of the first notes
the boy made with it.
Hmm.
Well, how many
of these boxes
did that young
fellow make?
Only one. This is
the only one in existence.
Shortly after
the boy made it,
he met with
a fatal accident...
arranged, some say,
by my great-great-uncle.
You see,
philanthropist as he was,
he was also
a very practical man,
and he believed there are
some people on this earth
who are better dead
than alive
for the safety of
the rest of mankind.
I guess your uncle
had his head screwed on
the right way.
I suppose
it should really be
in a scientific
museum, but...
Well, I like to keep it
as a souvenir, a heirloom,
a beautiful and amusing
toy, if you like.
If only it still worked.
Oh, it's in perfect
working order.
It's not.
Yes, it is.
Of course, I never use it
except very occasionally
to amuse my friends.
You see,
in the wrong hands,
it could be rather
a dangerous toy.
That's why I make sure
very few people even
know of its existence.
Mmm. You're right there;
dead right.
I, uh, I suppose
I couldn't ask you
to give me the very
great privilege
of a, uh,
a demonstration.
Well, why not?
May I have the loan of the note
you lent me last night
for just
a little longer?
Surely.
Here is your note.
Mm-hmm.
And similar paper,
you see?
Mm-hmm.
I assure you, no harm
will come to your money.
The secret
of how it works
died with
its inventor,
but the mechanism is
activated by clockwork.
Well, uh, how long
does it take?
12 hours;
12 hours precisely.
So...
Now...
We will leave it
in peace...
And I hope
you will pay me
another visit
this evening.
Surely.
Oh.
Yes? Come in.
Any boots
for cleaning, sir?
Oh, yes. I wanted
a word with you, Starr.
Now, what about a drink?
Oh, I must show you the most
delightful brocade I found
for a waistcoat...
or perhaps
a dressing gown, huh?
Ha ha!
Very tasteful, baron.
But if you'll excuse me,
I have to be off to
a luncheon engagement.
Oh, well, au revoir
till this evening.
I don't know how
I'll stick the waiting.
STARR: I went for
the baron's boots, madam,
and he asked me
confidential
if a way
could be found
for him to have
possession of the key
to the connecting door
to the next room.
I see.
Well, why not let him
have his bit of fun?
He's a nice-looking boy.
Here you are.
Now, careful
how it's done, eh?
Of course, ma'am.
Here, Starr. How much?
How much what, madam?
How much grease
did he put on your palm?
Come on.
I wasn't born yesterday.
8 quid for Lady Adam
and Eve and kiss me quick?
That's a bit cheap,
isn't it?
Here you are.
Here's your perks.
And don't forget, no one
else in this hotel
goes about
selling keys...only me.
No, indeed, madam,
not on no account.
Right.
Precisely 12 hours.
Good.
You will lock
the door, please.
This part is rather
complicated.
Now, we wait
10 seconds.
No, no, don't...
don't touch.
There we are.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Well...well, I can't tell
which is the false one.
Neither of them
is false.
One is an exact copy
of the other.
No one could
tell them apart.
Not even an expert?
In the morning,
you take them to a bank
or rather, to separate
banks, of course.
Ha ha ha! Of course.
Ask the opinion
of anyone in the bank...
the teller, the cashier,
anyone you like.
But be careful never
to let a living soul
see you with those
two notes together.
No one in this country
knows of the existence
of this machine
except you and me.
Oh, I swear I won't.
Don't let anyone see you
leaving my room, eh?
Be on the safe side.
Yes.
The porter requested me
to give you this, sir.
Oh, thank you,
Merriman.
Will that be all, sir?
That will be all,
thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Uh, porridge
and deviled kidneys
for breakfast
as usual, sir?
As usual.
Thank you, Merriman.
Thank you, sir.
Shh. Oh, my dear
Lady Adam,
I had no idea
this was your room.
Yes.
I heard the noise
of someone apparently
in distress,
and finding the door
was open, I...
Please accept
my apologies.
I'm sorry if I have
disturbed you.
Good evening.
Oh, baron, wait.
Please wait.
What is it?
Oh, my Lady is unhappy.
Yes.
Warm yourself.
Oh, thank you.
Oh!
Would you like
some coffee
and a sandwich?
Oh, yes, please.
I'm famished.
Thank you.
I say, what a nice
room you've got.
Yes.
You do have a lot of pictures
of animals, don't you?
They're so much nicer
than human beings...
I mean, much more handsome.
Don't you agree?
Most human beings.
We have a picture
of a bull at home...
a prize bull.
Must have weighed tons.
It's got the biggest,
biggest horns
you've ever seen.
Thank you.
And sheep...
Not looking like
real sheep at all,
but a lot of
woolly haystacks.
I say,
what a funny box.
BARON: Oh, please
don't touch it.
Why not?
Well, it's rather
delicate.
You're just like
my husband.
He won't let me touch
any of the china
or anything at home
in case I break it.
Oh. Ha ha!
Excuse me.
Haven't had any supper.
No supper?
But you could always
ring the bell
for a waiter.
My door's locked.
My husband locks me
in my room at night.
But...but why?
He's angry with me.
You see, ever since
we've been in London,
men keep looking at me.
Well, I can't help it.
You should take it
as a compliment.
Oh, I do,
but my husband doesn't.
He was furious with me
because of you.
Because of me?
Because I took you
in our carriage.
Now, is that
so very wrong?
I thought perhaps it was
with his permission.
I shall, of course,
explain everything
in the morning.
Oh, no, no, don't.
He wouldn't understand.
You see, he thinks
you're a poodle-faker,
and he doesn't
very much like foreigners.
Oh, forgive me
for saying that.
It's not what I think.
But I'm sorry to say that
I'm finding my husband is...
Rather a bad-tempered
old man.
My dear poor lady,
don't cry.
Thank you.
There.
Yes.
That's better.
May I ask you
a personal question?
Yes.
Why did you marry
Sir George?
Was it to escape
from something else?
Well, yes.
How did you know that?
Well,
most people marry
to escape
from something.
Do they? Gracious, how sad.
What were you trying
to escape from?
Oh, everything, I suppose;
the life I was leading.
You see, we live
in the country,
where George
is the local bigwig.
My father was a parson,
but he died last year
and left my sister,
my mother, and myself
without hardly a penny...
poor as churchmice.
I didn't mind
so much being poor,
because I was
used to it,
but life at home
was awful
because my sister
is a pig...
quite a nice-looking pig,
but a pig,
and we used to quarrel
all the time.
Well, I was faced
with having to become
the companion of
an awful old harridan
when George saw me
in church.
He doesn't often go,
so it must have been
Easter or something.
He kept staring at me
from that great big
family pew of his
with all the coats
of arms on it.
He really looked
like God.
Then after church,
he talked to my mother,
saying how sorry he was
that father had died
and that sort of thing.
Then he invited us
for tea,
and then the next Sunday,
he asked me to marry him.
And you said yes?
Well, yes.
He lived in a great house
in a lovely park,
and everybody said
how rich he was.
My poor mother was so
pathetically pleased.
Of course,
I didn't know George then,
but I don't think anybody does
when they get married.
I've no idea.
I'm not married myself.
Oh. Well, I don't
think they do.
The whole thing's bound
to be like a lottery.
And you really married
for your family's sake?
That was
a kind thing to do.
Well, not really.
I married to spite my sister,
if you really want to know,
because she was so jealous.
Wasn't that wicked?
Yes.
Have some brandy.
Oh, yes, please.
Oh, no. I've eaten
all your sandwiches.
Don't worry.
I did have supper.
May I give you
some advice?
Yes, please.
Be very careful
to behave
absolutely correctly
to your husband
and to everyone else
in public,
however boring
it may be,
and then you will be
able to enjoy yourself
more easily in private.
You mean play possum?
I have not heard
the expression.
We used to say it
at school.
Ah.
Will you teach me?
Teach you what?
How to enjoy myself
more easily in private.
Well...
We'll have to see.
But not tonight.
The senator's
in a hurry, Fred.
It's a miracle, baron;
a goddamn miracle.
I went to
the bank of America,
the First National Bank
of Chicago,
and both the chief cashiers
say the notes are genuine.
Of course.
Hey. Hey, that's mine.
No, no,
that one's yours.
This one's mine.
But how do you know
which one is which?
You said there was
no difference.
No, there was.
Ah. One of them was
counterfeit, wasn't it?
No. They were both
exactly the same.
Oh, but, uh,
tearing up money...
That seems a real pity.
Well, I have to admit that
sometimes even I am tempted.
Well, uh...
If you ever need money,
I'll, uh, I'll buy
that box off you...
for cash...at a really
handsome price.
No, no, no.
No question of that.
I don't want to sound
too old-fashioned.
It's...
It's a question
of honor;
family honor.
Family honor, huh?
Now, that's
a damn tough thing
for a man like me
to understand.
Yeah, that's, uh,
that's something
mighty powerful.
I'm sorry, Collis.
I have to get dressed.
I have an appointment
with my bootmaker.
Sure. Sure.
Uh, perhaps a little
poker game later on?
Why not?
I bought some cards.
Oh, I don't know.
Talk about
throwing money away.
I thought it was right
to draw your attention
to this incident, ma'am.
Yeah, you were
quite right, Merriman.
For a man who looks like
a desiccated old bat,
you've got remarkable
sharp eyes.
Thank you, ma'am.
As you were kind enough
to observe,
the good lord has blessed me
with a good pair of eyes,
and eyes are to be used,
if you take my meaning.
Come on, out with it.
Stop blethering.
I should like to draw
your attention
to another aspect of
the gentleman in number 3.
What aspect?
If you could spare me
5 minutes, ma'am.
LOUISA: You've got
no right to go poking
and prying about
in the guests' rooms.
No, ma'am,
of course not.
It's just
I happened to observe...
what is it, then?
Peculiar-looking thing.
Bomb, is it?
Not that I know of,
ma'am, no.
It's just I happen
to remember
seeing a similar object
many years ago
when I was working
in the first-class
dining saloon
on a passenger ship.
It belonged
to a gentleman...
he was also a foreign
gentleman, ma'am.
And another gentleman
appeared at the time
and bought it off
the first gentleman.
Merriman...
Well, anyway, when we
reached the Plate...
that's the River Plate
in South America, ma'am...
the police came on board
and arrested
the foreign gentleman.
Crook, was he?
Oh, yes, ma'am, so it
appeared at the time.
He went to prison,
certainly,
and no doubt
he never come out.
Oh, them prisons in
South America, ma'am...
what was his crime?
That I never did
find out exactly, ma'am,
but the police
came back,
and they examined
every single piece
of paper money
there was on that ship.
Well, you're a proper
little old Sherlock Holmes,
and no mistake.
Thank you, ma'am.
If I might
suggest it, ma'am,
don't you think
it might be advisable
to warn the American
gentleman?
Warn him?
Warn him about what?
Look, Merriman,
you're the waiter here,
not the bloody manager.
What people do
or don't do in this hotel
is their business
and mine.
Hey?
And I'm not the law,
except when it comes to
getting rid of me staff.
Yeah, but...
Can I double?
Sure you can,
if you want to.
Well,
I'm probably wrong...
But I'll double.
I'll see you.
Full house, kings high.
You're sure getting
a real knack
for this game, baron.
These new cards must
be lucky. Your deal.
Well, if you'll
forgive me, baron,
I've got something
more serious than cards
to talk to you about.
All day, I haven't
been able to get
the thought of that box
out of my mind.
If you'll excuse me
saying so,
it's far too valuable
to be left lying around
in hotel rooms where
anyone could steal it.
Oh, I'm sure no one
except you or I
would have the least idea
what it was.
Or hidden away
in some old vault
where no one
could ever see it.
Look, that box is
of great historic
and scientific interest.
I've got a proposition
to put to you, baron.
Ever since I, uh,
I set foot in Europe,
I've...I've been deeply
impressed by the...
By the sense of history,
the sense of tradition
that I've found
all around me.
Well, I guess
we'd all like to leave
a little bit of
ourselves on this earth
to be remembered by.
Well...
I am gonna build
a museum.
The Collis C. Croker
museum of science.
Well, that's
a noble idea.
Bang in the middle
of one of the greatest
cities in the world...
Chicago.
People are gonna come
from all over
the civilized world to
see that museum, baron,
and shall I
tell you why?
They will make
a pilgrimage
to the Oppendorf room
of my museum
to see one of
the great marvels
of scientific history.
That is, if you'll
let me have your box.
It's a most generous
offer, Collis,
and don't think
I don't appreciate it.
It's just that...
Well, I have to
think of the promise
I made to my father
and the promise...
the name of your family
will be preserved
and honored forevermore
in the halls
of fame, baron.
I'll give you
$20,000 for it.
In cash.
24,000. Now, that is
really being generous.
He said to get it all
from the Marconi office
before it closes.
Yeah. Well, you'd
better run off, then.
I'll keep an eye
on the hall.
Here, Starr, hang on a mo.
I want to send
a cable meself
to Lord Haslemere.
Well, don't stand
there gawking.
I'll bring it out.
Madam.
My dear lady,
you called me?
No.
Yes.
How can I help you?
I'm cold...and lonely.
I see.
Well...
We'll have to do
something about it.
Won't we?
22...
23...
24.
I hope I'm doing
the right thing.
Sure you are.
Ah.
Have you...have you got
those instructions
written out for me?
But you won't be
using it,
so you won't need them.
Oh, of course not,
but it'll be more, uh,
more interesting
historically,
scientifically,
if we have them framed
by the exhibit itself.
So it will.
Hmm.
Thank you. Ahem.
And you'll want
the key, won't you?
Oh, hey,
I'd forgotten that.
Well, yes, yes.
Best be thorough.
Ahh.
When I, uh, when I have
the museum built, baron,
I'll, uh, I'll have you
come over and open it.
I shall look forward
to that greatly.
You can always find me
via the Ritz in Paris.
Fine. Fine.
Just whistle up
your carriage,
Sir George.
Yes.
BARON: Good evening,
Mrs. Trotter.
Good evening, baron.
Off to the ball.
Make a handsome
couple, don't they?
They say it's
a real love match.
I trust you're enjoying
your stay in London.
Oh, yes, yes, very much;
very much indeed.
I'm sorry to say
it's coming to an end.
I should like my bill
in the morning, please.
Oh, I'm glad of that...
glad I'm not gonna
have to chuck you out.
Oh, you British!
I shall never
understand you.
Mmm.
Oh, Paul...
Darling Paul.
We've only got
a few more hours left.
Only think of
the present;
never the future.
But it's so difficult.
I wish you'd found me
before my husband did.
So do I.
Still, it's hardly likely
that you would have
stumbled across me
in a Buckinghamshire
Vicarage.
Paul...
Why don't we
run away together?
Now, this minute!
That wouldn't be
fair on you.
But I don't care.
I'd go anywhere,
do anything with you.
I don't care
what people say.
I'd be yours
if you want me.
This is our secret love.
Only you and I
will ever know of it.
It is our special
treasure.
We mustn't do anything
that would destroy it.
We must be very patient
and very careful.
Oh, Paul, you're so wise.
But you will promise
to come back and find me
and take me off to
St. Petersburg or Paris
or Prague...
wherever you're living?
Where do you live,
my lovely Paul?
I live nowhere
and everywhere.
Everywhere!
That'll do for me.
Right at the moment...
I live here.
Yes...in my heart.
Can you feel it
beating for you?
Not locked tonight.
Ooh, George must
have forgotten.
Oh, Paul...
Darling Paul.
We are tragic figures,
you and I,
locked in
our secret heaven...
this old brass bed
our magic carpet,
and doomed to be parted
at dawn forever.
Make a lovely,
sad fairy story.
You talk
a lot of nonsense.
Something to tell
our grandchildren.
Oh, I think you've got
the most beautiful eyes
in the world.
Mrs. Trotter...
Oh, good morning,
Lady Adam.
You're up with
the lark this mor...
here, what's
the matter?
Come and have
a nice cup of tea.
Mrs. Trotter, something
terrible's happened.
Oh, it's difficult
for me to tell you,
but I must tell
someone.
And as it's your hotel,
really, you're the only
person I can tell.
Sir George
been at you again?
No.
Mrs. Trotter, my diamonds
have been stolen.
Oh, my God.
And what's worse,
I'm sure it was the baron
who stole them.
How can you be so sure?
Because I saw him.
Now, please, please
don't call the police.
No. I wasn't going to.
If my husband
discovers...
Well, he'll kill me.
Look, the awful thing is
that on the way home,
we were meant to be putting
them back in the bank.
Does your maid know?
No, but if she finds out,
she'll tell.
She's a sneaky old brute.
You were the only person
I could think of
who could help me.
Well, I don't know.
Come on.
Who, me?
Yeah.
Can't I stay here?
No. We might have to
have a bit of a bash-up
with that bad old baron.
Ain't seen number 3,
have you?
The baron?
No, ma'am.
Not gone out, has he?
No, madam...not leastways
the front way.
Right. Come on.
Who's that for,
Mr. Merriman?
Sir George's breakfast.
You'll want to
watch out
you don't have it
chucked in your face.
It won't be
the first time.
Gentlemen with Sir George's
temperament and nature
are never easy
to please.
But there's a reward
in it sometimes...
when they smile.
This is the drawer
he took them from.
There's the case
still.
It must have been
a nightmare.
SIR GEORGE:
Huh? A nightmare?
I'm not surprised,
after all that caviar.
Oh, yes,
George, dear.
And I couldn't
sleep,
so I went
for a walk.
Sensible girl.
Well, what's going
on here, huh?
Regular hen's party.
Your wife was
just showing me
her beautiful
diamonds, Sir George.
My beautiful
diamonds,
Mrs. Trotter.
Well, I propose
to do you
the single honor
of breaking
my fast in here,
with your
permission.
Ah.
I was proud
of my wife
last night,
Mrs. Trotter.
She not only
engaged
the favorable
attention
of the King
of England,
but she made
all the other
damn women
look like a lot
of [indistinct].
Well, that's too much.
No, it ain't,
not considering.
Considering what?
Considering
you're not a baron
not no more
than I am.
Well, a little
more surely,
I am at least of
the masculine gender.
"Baron Oppendorf,
alias Count Ginsky,
alias
Prince Zhanovsky."
They're highly titled,
your family.
What is
all this nonsense?
I wired to Haslemere,
seeing as how
he's a mate of yours,
to check up.
He says here
he's found out
you're nothing but
a common little crook
wanted by
the froggy police
for crimes too numerous
to recount.
He advises me
to contact
Scotland Yard
immediately.
Which, being
a sensible woman
and mindful of the
reputation of your hotel,
you haven't done.
No.
And will not do?
That depends.
I don't promise nothing.
Who are you, baron?
A soldier of fortune
fighting the good fight
in the great battle of life.
I'm not Daisy Adam.
My father kept
a livery stable in Hounslow.
I grew up to prefer women
and money to horses,
so I went into service.
Oh, we do have something
in common, then.
I went to Amsterdam
with a diplomat as his valet.
Well, it didn't take long
for me to realize
how easily greedy men are
parted from their money
and how irresistibly
attractive I am to women.
Not all women.
No.
No, rich,
lonely women
whose husbands
didn't care anymore
or who were too concerned
with their latest mistress.
Sad women, mainly,
who wanted a man;
women who, luckily for me,
are stupidly careless
where they put their jewelry.
Ain't you getting
a bit careless yourself?
Ha ha! Bored.
I took risks
for the fun of it.
I came here for a...rest.
I didn't intend to work,
but, well...
Who could resist Lady Adam?
Or the senator.
Or our dear
greedy old senator.
$24,000
for a rotten old box?
There's not much
you don't seem to know.
Well, when
you run a hotel,
you want to know
what's going on.
We're two of
a kind, really.
Thanks
for the compliment.
It was your suggestion,
wasn't it?
Yeah, we give 'em
what they want.
We make 'em pay for it.
But I do it straight,
and you cheat 'em.
It's a bit different,
you know.
Not much.
What was in that box?
Some simple clockwork,
a couple of rollers,
and a tin tray, that's all.
I've got a little joiner
knocks 'em up for me
quite cheap in Brussels.
Do you know, I've sold
5 of those in a year?
Makes a profitable
sideline.
Exactly.
Men who are really greedy
will buy anything.
And when our friend
the senator
tried to cheat me
at poker...
I mean me,
of all people...
using marked cards,
well, I thought he needed
teaching a lesson.
Well, I must be off,
or I shall miss my boat.
If I might pay
my bill, please...
What are you doing?
Adding a naught.
900 guineas?
That is sheer blackmail.
Oh, what a rude word
to use to a lady.
I'll take it in dollars
if it's more convenient.
Thanks.
Good-bye, Mrs. Trotter.
It's been a pleasure
to have known you.
Good-bye, baron.
I hope never to set eyes
on you again.
You won't. I never draw
the same cover twice.
Here, baron.
Why did you put
them diamonds back?
Wasn't 'cause
you'd gone soft
on her ladyship, was it?
They weren't
diamonds at all.
Paste...
And not very
good paste at that.