The Duchess of Duke Street (1976–1977): Season 1, Episode 14 - Plain Sailing - full transcript
Louisa decides to close the Bentinck for a few weeks and head to the seaside for a bit of a holiday. She's purchased a property next to the aristocratic Cowes yachting club and the boisterous presence of her guests is not very welcome by the staid members of the club. In fact, hostilities break out after Louisa overhears Lady Blenkiron describe her as running a bordello. Charlie Haslemere finds himself in the middle as he is a member of the club but also Louisa's good friend. He arranges for a meeting between the factions in the hope of working out a satisfactory solution. At Louisa's villa, he is also spending a great deal of time with the beautiful Irene Baker, a dancer and star of the stage.
What's this?
Milk, mum. Good for the stomach.
My stomach's not so
bad I need that poison.
You can take it away again.
Very good, mum.
What do you know
about Cowes, Merriman?
Cows, mum?
Yeah.
Oh, some sort of
parlor game, mum?
Eh?
Uh, cows. Large
vegetarian mammals,
female of the bovine
species, with udders.
I'm talking about
rudders, not udders.
Cowes... the sailing place.
Tillers and spinnakers
and ruddy great yachts.
Are you a sailing man, Merriman?
Not as I say I was, no, ma'am.
Well, you better
start learning quick
'cause I'm thinking of
taking a place down there.
"Right on the front" it
says in the advertisement.
Close the hotel, mum?
Yeah, just for a few weeks.
Have holiday. Bit of a rest.
All the nobs are
down there, you know:
the King, the Kaiser,
the Czar of Russia.
All got their yachts down there.
Look a bit cheerful, can't you?
It's a treat I'm giving you
if the deal comes off.
Oh, thank you, mum.
It will be most
agreeable, I'm sure.
Ah, Lord Haslemere's
a yachting man,
isn't he, mum?
Member of the Royal
Sailing Club, I believe.
He's the man to ask
about Cowes, I should think.
Yeah.
Mmm. Sea air.
You can smell it, can't you?
I needed a day out.
I'm afraid I can't
take you in with me.
I haven't got a badge for you.
I didn't know you were
coming quite so far with me.
I see.
Frightfully sorry.
Look, this committee meeting
won't take very long.
I'll meet you back
here at about 1:00,
take you for a jolly
luncheon on my yacht.
What will you do till then?
Oh, don't worry
about me. I'll uh...
..stroll along the
prom or something.
Yes. Well, the
town's awfully pretty.
Yeah. Hurry up.
You're late, aren't you?
Well, yes, I am, rather.
Morning, Wilkins!
Morning, my lord.
Morning, my lady.
Good morning, Wilkins.
- Morning, ma'am.
- Morning, Wilkins.
Sorry, ma'am.
You can't come in
here without a badge.
Yeah, yeah. All
right, all right.
They've started
without you, dear boy.
Oh, lord.
I do apologize, gentlemen.
I had a puncture on the way.
It'd be appreciated it if new
members of the committee
could arrive puncture-lessly.
Shall I read the minutes
again, Sir Evelyn?
No, no. For God's
sake, get on with it.
Well, the item
we're discussing is
a rather delicate one.
A distinguished old member
of many years' standing...
Lord Moffat.
Has taken to swimming
at 7:00 in the morning
with his lady wife from
the clubhouse steps.
Both well over 80.
While we all admire
their Corinthian spirit...
against the rules.
Quite.
CHARLIE: Does it matter?
What?
At 7:00 in the morning, I
mean. Who's up to see them?
Wilkins at the gate, I'm afraid.
He reported them officially,
so we have to take action.
A quiet word, I'd have thought.
I tried that, colonel.
I'm afraid his lordship
was rather abrupt with me.
Well, the old boy's
a law unto himself.
Can't we just let it be?
No. Let him do it,
you'll start a craze for it.
You've got to hit him.
Fair slap amidship's my opinion.
Rather you than me, Swain.
He was a bare-fist
amateur boxer in his day.
Not to mention an ex-viceroy.
And a longstanding
friend of our admiral.
Another slight problem.
MAN: Yes, yes.
What do you think, Sir Evelyn?
He's a damn nuisance.
Um...uh, well, couldn't we
give a ruling to the effect that
the privilege of
bathing from the steps
is reserved for members
of 80 years and over?
Well, that way he can carry
on unmolested by Wilkins
and we stop the thing spreading.
I'm sorry. I wasn't
intending to be frivolous.
Perfectly splendid
idea. I'll second that.
Wisdom of Solomon, my dear boy.
Shall we take a vote, sir?
Yes, yes.
Those in favor?
Yes. Yes.
Carried.
Well, the next item,
also rather vexing:
the question of whether
we continue with our plans
to purchase rock
cottage next door
in order to accommodate
the needs of the ladies.
I did put in an offer,
the figure we agreed
on at the last meeting,
but I'm afraid it was short
of the asking price.
The question is,
do we increase it?
A waste of money!
But the ladies do
have a problem.
Nowhere to go if
the weather's bad.
The marquee.
Well, it's only up
in regatta week.
And it's not just
the weather, is it?
I mean, they're rather stuck on
the lawn for other emergencies.
Well, they do have
the strangers' lavatory.
Complaints about that.
Not very clean, I'm told.
And they have to queue up.
Ticklish one, this.
Sir Evelyn.
We're not having
them in the clubhouse.
It's just about the
last place on earth
you can escape from
your wife and your mistress.
Hear, hear.
Now look here. We've
really got to get it for 'em.
You agree, don't you, Arthur?
Mutiny otherwise...
From my wife, certainly.
And also we protect ourselves
from the possibility of
undesirable neighbors.
Raise the offer another 200.
This is the main drawing room.
And the balcony.
Nice view.
Oh, the view is second to none,
Mrs. Trotter...
Especially in regatta week.
Right on the finishing line.
Bit small.
Well, of course,
for entertaining,
there's the annexe
attached to the house
with the staff quarters above.
In Mrs. Crisp's day,
there used to be the most
wonderful parties, I'm told.
Fairy lights hanging from
the bushes in the garden.
She used to entertain
the Prince of Wales here,
you know, as he then was.
Did she, now? I
suppose that puts
the price up a bit, does it?
Well...
It could do with
a bit of a cleanup.
Otherwise, it's all right.
How much do you want for it?
You're making an offer?
Yes. Something wrong?
No, no. It's just that we
have had another inquiry.
I shouldn't really divulge it.
It's from the sailing
club next door.
It didn't quite meet
our estimation,
but we are rather waiting
for them to come back.
Well, whatever they offered,
I'll match it and raise you 300.
Oh, really?
Cash.
Louisa, you can't do it!
Too late, my lord.
Sheets, pillowcases...
The sailing club needs it.
They should have been
quicker off the mark.
Piano, fairy lights...
Did you just walk in that day?
No, no. Planned
it long before that.
Saw it advertised.
You took advantage of me.
Oh, come on, I only
begged a lift off of you.
Well, you made it damned
awkward for me, you know.
When the committee
hear about our connection,
they'll think I
put you up to it.
So what?
Some of me best clients are
members of your snobby club:
old Saffron Walden,
Reggie Blenkiron.
They'll be happy to have me.
My personal friends, they are.
But Rose Blenkiron won't
be your friend, my dear.
The lady wives of
the members had set
their little hearts
on that cottage.
Come on, Charlie.
Whose side are you on?
You should be pleased as punch.
You always said you had
nowhere to stay down there.
Well, you got me now.
We'll liven the place up a bit.
Course you could
pretend you don't know me,
but we are having a
housewarming next Wednesday,
if you care to drop in.
No, no. I shall be up
here on Wednesday.
Cook your own meals if
you are. Place is closed.
What?
Holiday, Charlie. I
need one. I'm tired.
I need to charge
meself up a bit.
Enough in the
kitty till the autumn.
Oh, come on.
Tommy Shepherd's
coming down with Mrs...
What's her name? Delaney.
Oh, not those two.
What's wrong with them?
He's an insufferable bore,
and she shrieks all the time.
Oh, he's all right
when he's sober.
Wrote me a poem once.
Instead of a check, no doubt.
Eh?
Well, he's the most
notorious scrounger in London.
Yeah, well, she
pays for him now.
That money her husband left her,
the shoe merchant.
You are the most awful snob.
You only tolerate him
because he's the
second son of an earl.
Here, watch it. You're the snob.
Just 'cause she's a salesgirl
did herself a bit of
good in the world.
Oh! It's pointless
arguing with you.
Irene Baker's coming.
What?
Irene Baker's coming!
Irene. Is she?
Yeah.
But she's performing
in her show.
No, she finishes Saturday.
Fancies a rest like I do.
But how did you get her?
Half of London must be
offering her yachts and villas.
She's the catch of the season.
Well, I wouldn't
know about that.
But she was in here
the other night with...
I don't know. Someone or other.
I mentioned it, I said
you might be there,
and she seemed to jump at it.
Oh, I'm sorry, madam.
Yes, Starr. What is it?
Well, it's about this
holiday, madam.
I was wondering if you
was requiring me and Fred.
I'm not really a
man for the seaside.
The, uh, sun affects me,
and Fred's not
one for the water,
and we've got a chance
of visiting a farm in Essex...
a friend of mine
from army days...
and Fred likes
running about a farm.
I'm sorry. You're out of luck.
I need you to drive the bus
since the major's not here
and help out generally.
Oh...yes.
But Fred, madam.
What about him?
Well, I was thinking
he might be a nuisance.
Well, he's always a nuisance.
We have to put up
with him, don't we?
Yes, madam.
He can keep out trespassers.
Yes, madam.
Right.
Ha ha ha ha!
Louisa, you're incorrigible.
Oh, changed your tune, have you?
What is it? What is it?
Singing, I presume.
Singing?
We're here! Step out, you lot!
Ohh!
They're here, Mrs. Cochrane.
They're coming up the path.
Lord, how many of them?
6, not counting
Mr. Starr and Mrs. Trotter.
They're early.
They look a bit tipsy. Oh,
Miss Baker's with them!
Come and have a look, quick!
I'm just not ready for them!
She's ever so beautiful!
Now, come away from that window
and wake him up!
Mr. Merriman, the bus has come!
Mrs. Trotter's here! Wake up!
Oh, blimey!
What a den of utter enchantment!
Are you being funny?
No, no, it's delightful!
Truly delightful!
It's a bit musty.
Needs a bit of living in.
That's what we're here for,
to provide that very
ingredient, are we not?
And Miss Baker will dance
for us, won't you, my dear?
Well, I've come here to rest.
Oh, just a tiny twirl.
Leave her alone, darling.
Come and look
at the nice garden.
Merriman!
Where you been, for God's sake,
and where's the bloomin' tea?
Just coming, mum. In a jiffy.
I say, croquet! Whoopee!
Aah! Lovely!
Ooh! Ooh!
Grab a mallet, old girl!
Right!
Out in the garden we'll have it.
Yes, mum.
Spoons, Ethel.
What's this supposed to be?
It's supposed to be a kitchen.
And servants hall.
She thinks we're going
to keep up the standard
of the Bentinck in this place...
Well, we can't all live in here.
It's the black hole of Calcutta.
I don't want Fred in
here, nor his basket.
He'll have to be in here.
There's no front hall to speak of.
He'll just have to spend
his time in the garden.
I'm sorry. I don't
want him in here,
not with food about.
They want tea
served in the garden.
I can't carry it
all up the stairs,
through the sitting room,
onto the terrace,
down the stairs again...
not every day.
I'll help.
No, you won't. Your place
is here with me, Ethel.
Fetch that pot and
put it on the tray.
Oh, just look at the view.
It's right on the finishing
line in regatta week.
TOMMY: I'm going to have a go!
Mind it doesn't go in the sea!
I hope not!
LOUISA: Afternoon, ladies.
Mr. Walden, who
are those dreadful
people next door?
Mrs. Trotter and guests.
Mrs. Delaney: that's it, now.
TOMMY: Hang
on, old girl, hang on.
Wonderful! What
should we do now?
You have to hit
it back here now.
This one?
Yes. See if you
can hit the pole.
Hit the pole?
Yes, hit the pole.
All right. Ah! Missed again!
There's a woman out there
twirling about half-naked!
Yes, sir. I understand
she's Miss Irene Baker,
the celebrated dancer.
I don't care who
she is! Get rid of her!
This is a sailing
club, not a bordello!
There's nothing we can do.
She's on the other
side of the wall.
I know that we ladies do not play
a large part in your thinking, major,
but my husband, uh, did
inform me quite categorically
that house was to be ours.
That was our intention, I
assure you, Lady Blenkiron,
but our club funds
are not inexhaustible,
and I'm afraid we
were quite simply
outbid by this lady.
Lady?
I've heard she runs
a house of ill fame.
A what?
A house of ill fame.
Elspeth, that's nonsense.
Who on earth told you that?
Oh, I've heard it
from several sources.
No, no. The Bentinck's
perfectly decent.
Everyone stays there:
the King in his
time, Lloyd George.
Exactly.
Clergy, don't they?
Clergy? Yes, lots of clergy.
And I live there, as it happens.
It's a jolly nice place.
I never knew you'd
been there, Arthur.
Ladies, I must beg you not
to be prejudiced by gossip.
It's not gossip, Charles.
We have the evidence
of our eyes this afternoon.
Only if they stand
on basket chairs.
And our ears. All through
tea, shrieks and bawdy songs
which quite drowned the band.
Really, ladies, we
shall be keeping
a careful eye on the situation,
and if we feel a complaint
to anyone is justified,
I promise you, we
shan't hesitate to make it.
Now, if you will excuse me, I
really must be getting ashore.
Well, I'll see you to the gig.
♪ And it's all right
in the summertime ♪
♪ In the summertime
it's lovely ♪
♪ While my old man's
painting hard ♪
♪ I'm posing
in the old backyard ♪
♪ But, oh, oh,
in the wintertime ♪
♪ It's another thing,
you know ♪
♪ With a little red nose
and very little clothes ♪
♪ And the stormy winds do blow ♪
♪ My old man
is a very funny chap ♪
♪ He's an artist
in the royal academy ♪
♪ He paints pictures
morning until night ♪
♪ Paints them
with his left hand ♪
♪ Paints them with his right ♪
♪ And all his subjects,
take a tip from me ♪
♪ Are very, very
Eve and Adamy ♪
♪ And I'm the model
that has to pose ♪
♪ For his pictures every day ♪
♪ And it's all right
in the summertime ♪
♪ In the summertime
it's lovely ♪
♪ While my old man's
painting hard ♪
♪ I'm posing
in the old backyard ♪
♪ But, oh, oh,
in the wintertime ♪
♪ It's another thing,
you know ♪
♪ With a little red nose
and very little clothes ♪
♪ And the stormy winds
do blow, oh, oh ♪
♪ And the stormy winds
do blow ♪
Oh, ha ha ha!
Bravo! Bravo! Marvelous!
Splice the mainbrace,
Merriman, old chap!
Any more of that, dear,
and you'll be like
a wet weekend.
What?
Now you'll dance
for us, naturally.
Follow Mrs. Trotter? Not likely.
Yes. Wise of you,
my little flower.
Haslemere, my dear chap,
Mrs. T wasn't sure
if you were coming.
Have you, um, have you
met my fiancée Clara?
She thinks I'm marrying
her for her money,
but it's not true.
Not true at all.
It's all right, dear.
Come outside and look
at the pretty fairy lights.
- See you later, old boy.
- Yes, right.
Where have you been,
just as a matter of interest?
Yes, I'm sorry.
I had another engagement...
On a yacht.
Talk about us, did they?
You were mentioned.
Old Saffron Walden says we've
ruffled a few feathers already...
only been here half a day.
I shouldn't worry.
They're an awfully
stuffy lot, some of them.
Will you excuse me, please?
Irene.
Hello.
Charles, dear boy,
I was just saying to Miss Baker
that her dance was like
a sharp, white little star
in a horribly dull season.
You would agree?
I would, indeed.
I can't remember a more intensely
enjoyable evening in the theater.
Thank you.
I can't remember
a nicer compliment.
And that other evening
at the Bentinck...
Then Romano's.
Oh, yes. I...
..I was hoping that I might have
seen you again after Romano's.
Well, you were so
surrounded by admirers,
I thought my chances
were slim, to say the least.
You should have had more faith.
Well, now...
Yes. Thanks to Mrs. Trotter.
Yes.
How long can you stay?
Well, I have 3 weeks
until my next engagement.
But that's marvelous!
Have you ever
been sailing before?
Oh, I used to stand
on the beach as a child
and watch the great yachts go by
and dream that
someday perhaps...
Well, I shall take you
sailing and fulfill your dreams,
if you'll allow me.
Yes, of course I will.
Time for supper,
I think, Merriman.
Yes, mum.
And what are you
cooking over there,
you wicked woman?
Oh, just an
harmless little soufflé.
Mmm.
You and me could be
on that farm now, Fred.
Just think of that, eh? Rabbits.
Are you not enjoying
yourself, Mr. Starr?
No, I'm not.
A change is as good
as a rest, they say.
Last holiday I had
was 14 years ago,
when Mr. Cochrane was
took in the sea at Margate.
I went off holidays after that,
but then I wouldn't mind
one now, I must say.
Where would you go, Mrs. C,
if you had the pick
of the whole world?
Not Margate, I presume.
No, I'd go to me
daughter's at Wigan.
Wigan?
There's a choice spot.
I like it here.
The seaside, and the feeling
of romance in the house.
I think it's lovely.
You shouldn't fill your
head with such thoughts.
- It's not healthy.
- I can't help it.
I just have to look at Miss
Baker, and I'm trembling.
She's set her compass
at his lordship, all right,
and no mistake.
All these nautical terms, Fred.
What does Mrs.
Trotter think about it?
Seems to encourage it.
She'll never make
a lady, will she?
Not in a hundred years.
Why not?
Her father's a jobbing
builder from Bognor.
That's why not, Ethel.
Mr. Starr, would you
mind not doing that in here?
His hairs are flying
all over the place.
Well, anyway, lady or not,
I don't half wish
I had her body.
We'll have 2 new bottles, I say.
Ha ha ha ha!
Oh!
I say! Old chap!
A little matter I'd like
to clear up with you.
I've put up with your
sailing club 5 times now
and been blackballed every time.
What's the matter with me?
Fairly good pedigree...
Even owned a little
racing cutter once.
Brewers and whiskey distillers
often get in.
Oh...do they?
But not Turks and Kurds.
What? What are
you talking about?
I'm not a turd or...
Ha ha ha!
I think he's being a bit
saucy with you, darling.
Come along. Bedtime.
Oh, yes.
Hee hee hee!
Really, Louisa, you
must try and improve
the quality of some
of your friends.
Yeah, well, there's
others think that.
They got to have
somewhere to go...
people like them...
so they come to me.
It's all part of the
service, Mr. Walden.
And now you're rebuking me.
No. I will say this.
I'd rather have
them as me friends
than your lot over the wall
from what I've seen so far.
What have you seen?
Snooty faces peering at me.
Well, you know why that is.
They wanted your annexe.
What for?
Their convenience.
They've nowhere to go.
Well, can't they go
in the clubhouse?
Ladies aren't allowed
in the clubhouse.
God's truth, it's
worse than I thought.
You mean they can't
piddle in their own place,
so they'll have to come
over to my place to piddle?
You have it in a nutshell.
Now I must leave you, my dear.
It's been a delightful evening.
You can be sure I
shall come again.
Will there be anything
more this evening, mum?
No, no, not for me there won't.
Rooms all ready, are they?
Just about, mum.
Mr. Starr was helping.
We're a bit shorthanded.
There's not many of us.
I know, mum.
Will his lordship be staying?
I don't know.
You better ask him, hadn't you?
Yes, mum.
Good night, mum.
Ah! Now, that's Jupiter.
I think.
Or is it the pole star?
Ha ha ha! I don't
think you know.
You're quite right.
MERRIMAN: Anything else,
my lord?
What, what? Yes!
Merriman, that bottle's empty.
No!
Don't...move.
The moon's caught you perfectly.
You know, on stage
I thought you were the most
divine apparition I'd ever seen.
Offstage...
I find you even more divine.
Oh, Irene...
Thank you, Merriman.
Don't wait up.
You'll turn the lights out,
will you, my lord?
Yes, yes.
Uh, good night, my lord.
Good night, Merriman.
Good night.
Uh...
I've imagined someone
like you all my life...
My lord.
Not so bad after all, eh, Starr?
No, madam, the air
is surprisingly bracing.
There's Lord Pembury.
If his wife knew what
I knew about him,
she wouldn't be so
pleased with herself.
Isn't that her?
Yes, I do believe...
Good morning, ladies.
Don't answer.
Good morning.
Who's that
extraordinary little man
with that dreadful,
common little dog?
STARR: Did you hear that, madam?
I did.
Animals should really
be kept off the promenade.
What do you suppose them
cardboard discs are, Starr?
First prize at the donkey show?
She's insulting us!
What can you expect, Elspeth,
with women who keep bordellos?
What?!
STARR: No! No!
Don't rise to it,
madam, I beg you!
I'm not having my reputation
impugned by her sort!
I've lived too long for that!
CHARLIE: What's happened?
I've been insulted, that's what!
By ladies from your club!
Called me a brothelkeeper.
What are you laughing
at, Miss Baker?
I'm sorry.
I want their names,
both of them.
One looks like a
barge in full sail,
and the other's short
and pink and ugly
and puddles along behind her.
Who are they, Charlie?
If I told you their names,
you couldn't remember them.
Oh, I would them
two, make no mistake.
They sound like Rose
Blenkiron and Elspeth Sibley.
Blenkiron and Sibley.
Write it down, Starr.
CHARLIE: Oh, for
heaven's sake, Louisa.
Don't be so silly! Ignore them!
I don't ignore personal
insults, Charlie!
You know that!
Of course you do.
You're on holiday,
and we're here to enjoy
ourselves, aren't we?
Not to watch you indulge
in some trivial vendetta.
Come on, my angel.
Where are we going?
- We are going sailing.
- Oh, lovely!
What are you gawping at?
I say!
I'd call round at her
stage door any evening!
Ha ha ha!
You know what
you are, don't you?
You're a naughty
old Piccadilly Johnny!
Ha ha! He's very
well known as Algie
to the ladies on the stage!
♪ And a jolly good chap
is Algie ♪
♪ 'cause Algie's
all the rage. ♪
♪ And a jolly good
favorite Algie ♪
♪ to the barmaids
at the Crown. ♪
♪ He's very well known
as Algie ♪
♪ as the Piccadilly Johnny
with the little glass eye. ♪
That's wonderful!
♪ He's very well known
as Algie ♪
♪ to the ladies on the stage. ♪
♪ And a jolly
good boy is Algie ♪
♪ 'cause Algie's all the rage. ♪
♪ And a jolly good
favorite Algie ♪
♪ to the barmaids
at the Crown. ♪
♪ He's very well
known as Algie ♪
♪ as the Piccadilly Johnny
with the little glass eye. ♪
I say! I say!
What about a bit of gaming, eh?
Police! Complain!
I don't think we can.
Half our members are over there.
What?!
I hate to name names,
but I think we have...
We have Lord
Haslemere to thank for this.
Rumor has it that it was
he who told this woman
about the cottage
and urged her to buy it.
Did he, by jove?
What?
I'll have 25!
I say, lend us a
pound, old girl.
Here you are. Don't
spend it all at once.
Red 19.
Are you sure?
On the brink!
ALL: Oh!
Twos lose!
LOUISA: All right.
That's your luck!
Clear off home!
Oh, just one more.
I'm tired. Off you go.
Oh, don't be so
bloomin' stingy, Tommy.
Leave it for the poor old staff.
Splendid evening. Splendid.
Oh, splendid to have you
down here, Mrs. Trotter.
Told your wife where
you are tonight, eh?
Good lord, no.
Not a word, eh?
They think we're playing bridge.
Quite convenient, not
letting ladies in there.
They don't know
what you're up to.
That is the object
of the exercise, yes.
But we'd still have to creep out
through the garden
tonight anyway.
Back gate to avoid Wilkins.
What a life.
My dear, there are occasions
we allow ladies in.
Escorted by a member,
they can view the cups.
Yes, and on the last
night of the regatta,
they can watch the
fireworks from the platform.
Oh, that must be a thrill.
Well, I believe Queen Victoria
was the only lady ever
to be entertained there.
Yes. She was asked to tea once.
It only happened though because,
the commodore then
happened to be her own son.
Who's your commodore now?
You wanted to see me, sir?
Yes, Haslemere. Shut the door.
Sit down.
This woman friend
of yours next door...
- Do you mean Mrs. Trotter, sir?
- Yes.
You know her pretty
well, I understand.
Yes, I do, sir.
And you told her
to buy the cottage.
Certainly not. I had no idea.
That's not what I heard.
Anyway, she's causing trouble.
Complaints from members. Noise!
Really, sir?
Tell her to pipe
down or get out.
Sir Evelyn, I don't think
it's any of my business.
What?
Well, you can hear
her now, damn it.
Devil of a row going on,
frightening all the ladies.
I'm in quite enough
trouble with them as it is.
Just a few high spirits, sir.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, not there. Not there.
Here. You watch this one.
Would you be kind enough
to make a little
less noise, please?
And would you be kind
enough to ask your band
to make a little less noise?
Would you, please?
Louder. Play louder.
WOMAN: My turn now.
All right. That does it!
Merriman!
Merriman!
Merriman!
Merriman!
Get the pots!
Pots, mum?
The pots.
The chamber pots. Get 'em.
All of 'em, mum?
Yeah, all of 'em, and tell Starr
to bring them out in the garden.
We'll show 'em.
Most of the stories
about Mrs. Trotter,
whatever you may have
heard, sir, are quite unfounded.
She's rather a serious
person, actually.
Marvelous cook.
You really must sample
her cooking sometime.
She's enormously fond
of children and animals.
Old ladies stay at the
Bentinck quite happily,
and the Bishop of Winchelsea
wouldn't stay anywhere else.
In fact, he once told me that
he found the atmosphere there
as peaceful as his
own cathedral close.
Have you considered
the cost, madam?
It's worth every penny.
Ready?
LADIES: Yes.
Fire!
Steward?
Disgraceful!
My God!
Ha ha ha! You should
have heard them!
Squealing like
stuck pigs, they was!
Carnage!
That'll teach them to insult us
on the promenade, eh, Fred?
Sound like a lot of daft kids.
We'll all go to prison!
That'd be an holiday.
It was unforgivable.
What on earth possessed you?
They asked for it.
They didn't ask to be
bombarded with chamber pots.
My God.
You might have killed
someone, you know that?
There were old ladies
there with matchstick bones.
I was only giving them
something they needed...
..badly, by all accounts.
Well, there's trouble,
I'm telling you.
The commodore's
furious, with good reason.
He wants an immediate apology.
I'm not apologizing.
You are apologizing.
You behavior was stupid,
dangerous, and
damned irresponsible.
Well, your behavior
ain't been much
to write home about
these last few days.
What?
Don't look so innocent.
You and Miss Baker.
Oh, good lord, but
that's quite unfair.
Is it?
You more or less
threw us together.
Yeah, well, you don't have
to make such a meal of it.
Sorry...if we've offended you.
Oh, no, you haven't.
I'm just pointing out
when it comes to
behaving in public,
none of us is perfect.
Oh, for God's sake, Louisa!
Irene and I are having fun, yes.
I mean, she's awfully
sweet. I'm fond of her.
Going to marry her?
No, of course I'm
not going to marry her.
At least I don't think so.
Would you mind if I did?
Of course not. It's your
life. You do what you like.
Well, you know
I couldn't do that,
not without your approval.
To be quite honest, I
was looking on Irene as a...
..blow for freedom.
What do you mean?
Well, to...help...separate us.
It must happen
one day, mustn't it?
I thought she was
a sort of...present.
I was rather touched.
Charlie...
Just a moment, my angel.
See you in a moment.
Look, I...
I think it's best if
perhaps I leave here.
Why?
Well, I just do. I...
Well, you can't go.
Can't leave me
to the mercy of...
Wart-Grantly,
whatever his name is.
Yes. Yes, he wants to see you.
I'm supposed to arrange it.
Well, he could always
pop around here.
Can invite me
round to his place.
I think it's hardly
likely that he'll do that.
No. We shall have to
find some common ground.
"Minstrel Whiskers."
Blenkiron's yacht.
I'll fix it for tomorrow.
No, Charlie, I'm
not going there,
not with that wife of his.
I wouldn't trust meself.
You'll do as you're told.
Here. I wasn't
expecting all that lot.
Just the commodore, you said.
Uh, Mrs. Trotter, may
I introduce my wife?
I, uh, I believe you've met.
We have, indeed.
Uh, our commodore,
Sir Evelyn Grant-Wortley,
Admiral Swain, member
of the committee,
and Major Gutch, our secretary.
Won't you sit
down, Mrs. Trotter?
Ta.
Uh...
- Perhaps some tea?
- No thanks.
Later, Reginald.
Oh, I'll, uh, go
and tell Fleming.
Ahem.
Mrs. Trotter...
I will apologize,
but only if she does first.
Apologize for what?
She knows.
Perhaps I can explain.
Mrs. Trotter believes that
she overheard Lady Blenkiron
uttering a rather damaging
remark against her
while walking on the promenade.
I heard all right, and
there was witnesses.
Oh, what rubbish.
Care to deny it
in a court of law?
Ladies, please.
What's this got to do
with the pot incident?
I think what lord
Haslemere is intimating
is that the remark might
perhaps have provoked
the pot incident.
Oh, he's clever.
Mrs. Trotter, I must
ask you to remember
that you are a guest
aboard my yacht.
Look, I didn't ask to come here,
and I didn't expect
an inquisition.
I'd have been quite happy to
talk this thing out in my cottage
over a glass of wine,
even in your bloody clubhouse
if you'd been civil
enough to ask me.
But since we are met here,
let's get a few things straight.
I buy a house in what's
supposed to be a free country.
I mind me own business,
and find meself insulted
left, right, and center.
Just 'cause I have
a few friends...
half of them your members
who like a bit of fun.
There's always been
parties over there,
I've been told.
The last owner had
your admiral in there.
Don't tell me they played
tiddlywinks all night.
Now, if this is all a
plot to get me out,
just so's your ladies
can have somewhere to...
..relieve themselves,
well, that's another matter.
Personally, I feel
sorry for them.
The way you lot treat ladies,
like the dark ages.
I wouldn't stand for it.
Still, that's their business.
Fact is, I'm not budging,
and there's got to be give
and take on both sides.
That's all I'm going
to say at the moment.
Thank you.
What's she talking about?
If I might put in a word...
She's right.
I beg your pardon?
She's quite right.
It is like the dark ages,
and what are you
going to do about it?
SIR EVELYN: My
dear Lady Blenkiron...
No.
Sweet words are not
enough, Sir Evelyn.
I am sorry. It's action we want,
or to be more
precise, her annexe.
My annexe?
Yes. You don't need it.
You haven't been inside it yet.
Tell her to sell it,
and I for one, am prepared
to forget about the pots.
CHARLIE: Oh, but
that's an absurd bargain.
Give and take, Charles.
That's what she said.
Yes, but what does
she get in return?
Money, I presume.
Our club funds
are rather stretched.
SWAIN: Waste of
money, my opinion,
managed for 50 years.
"Manage" is hardly
the word, George.
Have you ever been inside
the strangers' lavatory?
Well, no.
Mrs. Trotter, are there
any circumstances
in which you might
consider selling your annexe?
- No, of course that —
- Yes, Sir Evelyn.
I might consider it...
Under certain conditions.
There. I told you
she'd see reason.
Careful, Ethel.
I knew this would happen.
A few hours in the sun,
and me whole face peels off.
Only your nose, Mr. Starr.
Well, wonders will never cease.
She's selling it.
Selling what?
STARR: The house?
Oh, thank God for that.
Oh, not the house.
The bit on the
side...the annexe,
to the ladies next
door for their ablutions.
The annexe? But our
bedrooms are up there.
Oh, we're keeping
them, I'm told.
We'll have them all tramping
in through the garden.
Is it a punishment,
you think, for the pots?
No doubt, Ethel,
but it won't make
our lives any easier.
She's sold us down the river.
Well, I think the King's
got something to do with it.
He's the admiral of that club,
and he's always been
concerned about ladies.
He probably had
a word in her ear.
Bet she still got
a good price for it.
Must you go?
Yes, really.
I have estate business
I must attend to.
Well, who'll take me sailing?
Look, I'll...
I'll try and come
back next weekend,
and I'll write every day.
Dearest Ally...
You haven't tired of me?
No.
Oh, no.
I adore you, my darling Pally.
Oh! Ahem. I'm sorry.
There's something
amazing going on out here.
Do come and have a look.
Look! Look!
I don't believe it.
What is it, Mr. Walden?
Who's coming?
Must be royalty,
dear lady. Who else?
Royalty.
They're rolling out the carpet.
Oh, lord.
I...I--don't think so, Crofton.
You better check
with Major Gutch.
Afternoon, Wilkins.
I've been asked to tea.
Blow for freedom, eh, Charlie?
Milk, mum. Good for the stomach.
My stomach's not so
bad I need that poison.
You can take it away again.
Very good, mum.
What do you know
about Cowes, Merriman?
Cows, mum?
Yeah.
Oh, some sort of
parlor game, mum?
Eh?
Uh, cows. Large
vegetarian mammals,
female of the bovine
species, with udders.
I'm talking about
rudders, not udders.
Cowes... the sailing place.
Tillers and spinnakers
and ruddy great yachts.
Are you a sailing man, Merriman?
Not as I say I was, no, ma'am.
Well, you better
start learning quick
'cause I'm thinking of
taking a place down there.
"Right on the front" it
says in the advertisement.
Close the hotel, mum?
Yeah, just for a few weeks.
Have holiday. Bit of a rest.
All the nobs are
down there, you know:
the King, the Kaiser,
the Czar of Russia.
All got their yachts down there.
Look a bit cheerful, can't you?
It's a treat I'm giving you
if the deal comes off.
Oh, thank you, mum.
It will be most
agreeable, I'm sure.
Ah, Lord Haslemere's
a yachting man,
isn't he, mum?
Member of the Royal
Sailing Club, I believe.
He's the man to ask
about Cowes, I should think.
Yeah.
Mmm. Sea air.
You can smell it, can't you?
I needed a day out.
I'm afraid I can't
take you in with me.
I haven't got a badge for you.
I didn't know you were
coming quite so far with me.
I see.
Frightfully sorry.
Look, this committee meeting
won't take very long.
I'll meet you back
here at about 1:00,
take you for a jolly
luncheon on my yacht.
What will you do till then?
Oh, don't worry
about me. I'll uh...
..stroll along the
prom or something.
Yes. Well, the
town's awfully pretty.
Yeah. Hurry up.
You're late, aren't you?
Well, yes, I am, rather.
Morning, Wilkins!
Morning, my lord.
Morning, my lady.
Good morning, Wilkins.
- Morning, ma'am.
- Morning, Wilkins.
Sorry, ma'am.
You can't come in
here without a badge.
Yeah, yeah. All
right, all right.
They've started
without you, dear boy.
Oh, lord.
I do apologize, gentlemen.
I had a puncture on the way.
It'd be appreciated it if new
members of the committee
could arrive puncture-lessly.
Shall I read the minutes
again, Sir Evelyn?
No, no. For God's
sake, get on with it.
Well, the item
we're discussing is
a rather delicate one.
A distinguished old member
of many years' standing...
Lord Moffat.
Has taken to swimming
at 7:00 in the morning
with his lady wife from
the clubhouse steps.
Both well over 80.
While we all admire
their Corinthian spirit...
against the rules.
Quite.
CHARLIE: Does it matter?
What?
At 7:00 in the morning, I
mean. Who's up to see them?
Wilkins at the gate, I'm afraid.
He reported them officially,
so we have to take action.
A quiet word, I'd have thought.
I tried that, colonel.
I'm afraid his lordship
was rather abrupt with me.
Well, the old boy's
a law unto himself.
Can't we just let it be?
No. Let him do it,
you'll start a craze for it.
You've got to hit him.
Fair slap amidship's my opinion.
Rather you than me, Swain.
He was a bare-fist
amateur boxer in his day.
Not to mention an ex-viceroy.
And a longstanding
friend of our admiral.
Another slight problem.
MAN: Yes, yes.
What do you think, Sir Evelyn?
He's a damn nuisance.
Um...uh, well, couldn't we
give a ruling to the effect that
the privilege of
bathing from the steps
is reserved for members
of 80 years and over?
Well, that way he can carry
on unmolested by Wilkins
and we stop the thing spreading.
I'm sorry. I wasn't
intending to be frivolous.
Perfectly splendid
idea. I'll second that.
Wisdom of Solomon, my dear boy.
Shall we take a vote, sir?
Yes, yes.
Those in favor?
Yes. Yes.
Carried.
Well, the next item,
also rather vexing:
the question of whether
we continue with our plans
to purchase rock
cottage next door
in order to accommodate
the needs of the ladies.
I did put in an offer,
the figure we agreed
on at the last meeting,
but I'm afraid it was short
of the asking price.
The question is,
do we increase it?
A waste of money!
But the ladies do
have a problem.
Nowhere to go if
the weather's bad.
The marquee.
Well, it's only up
in regatta week.
And it's not just
the weather, is it?
I mean, they're rather stuck on
the lawn for other emergencies.
Well, they do have
the strangers' lavatory.
Complaints about that.
Not very clean, I'm told.
And they have to queue up.
Ticklish one, this.
Sir Evelyn.
We're not having
them in the clubhouse.
It's just about the
last place on earth
you can escape from
your wife and your mistress.
Hear, hear.
Now look here. We've
really got to get it for 'em.
You agree, don't you, Arthur?
Mutiny otherwise...
From my wife, certainly.
And also we protect ourselves
from the possibility of
undesirable neighbors.
Raise the offer another 200.
This is the main drawing room.
And the balcony.
Nice view.
Oh, the view is second to none,
Mrs. Trotter...
Especially in regatta week.
Right on the finishing line.
Bit small.
Well, of course,
for entertaining,
there's the annexe
attached to the house
with the staff quarters above.
In Mrs. Crisp's day,
there used to be the most
wonderful parties, I'm told.
Fairy lights hanging from
the bushes in the garden.
She used to entertain
the Prince of Wales here,
you know, as he then was.
Did she, now? I
suppose that puts
the price up a bit, does it?
Well...
It could do with
a bit of a cleanup.
Otherwise, it's all right.
How much do you want for it?
You're making an offer?
Yes. Something wrong?
No, no. It's just that we
have had another inquiry.
I shouldn't really divulge it.
It's from the sailing
club next door.
It didn't quite meet
our estimation,
but we are rather waiting
for them to come back.
Well, whatever they offered,
I'll match it and raise you 300.
Oh, really?
Cash.
Louisa, you can't do it!
Too late, my lord.
Sheets, pillowcases...
The sailing club needs it.
They should have been
quicker off the mark.
Piano, fairy lights...
Did you just walk in that day?
No, no. Planned
it long before that.
Saw it advertised.
You took advantage of me.
Oh, come on, I only
begged a lift off of you.
Well, you made it damned
awkward for me, you know.
When the committee
hear about our connection,
they'll think I
put you up to it.
So what?
Some of me best clients are
members of your snobby club:
old Saffron Walden,
Reggie Blenkiron.
They'll be happy to have me.
My personal friends, they are.
But Rose Blenkiron won't
be your friend, my dear.
The lady wives of
the members had set
their little hearts
on that cottage.
Come on, Charlie.
Whose side are you on?
You should be pleased as punch.
You always said you had
nowhere to stay down there.
Well, you got me now.
We'll liven the place up a bit.
Course you could
pretend you don't know me,
but we are having a
housewarming next Wednesday,
if you care to drop in.
No, no. I shall be up
here on Wednesday.
Cook your own meals if
you are. Place is closed.
What?
Holiday, Charlie. I
need one. I'm tired.
I need to charge
meself up a bit.
Enough in the
kitty till the autumn.
Oh, come on.
Tommy Shepherd's
coming down with Mrs...
What's her name? Delaney.
Oh, not those two.
What's wrong with them?
He's an insufferable bore,
and she shrieks all the time.
Oh, he's all right
when he's sober.
Wrote me a poem once.
Instead of a check, no doubt.
Eh?
Well, he's the most
notorious scrounger in London.
Yeah, well, she
pays for him now.
That money her husband left her,
the shoe merchant.
You are the most awful snob.
You only tolerate him
because he's the
second son of an earl.
Here, watch it. You're the snob.
Just 'cause she's a salesgirl
did herself a bit of
good in the world.
Oh! It's pointless
arguing with you.
Irene Baker's coming.
What?
Irene Baker's coming!
Irene. Is she?
Yeah.
But she's performing
in her show.
No, she finishes Saturday.
Fancies a rest like I do.
But how did you get her?
Half of London must be
offering her yachts and villas.
She's the catch of the season.
Well, I wouldn't
know about that.
But she was in here
the other night with...
I don't know. Someone or other.
I mentioned it, I said
you might be there,
and she seemed to jump at it.
Oh, I'm sorry, madam.
Yes, Starr. What is it?
Well, it's about this
holiday, madam.
I was wondering if you
was requiring me and Fred.
I'm not really a
man for the seaside.
The, uh, sun affects me,
and Fred's not
one for the water,
and we've got a chance
of visiting a farm in Essex...
a friend of mine
from army days...
and Fred likes
running about a farm.
I'm sorry. You're out of luck.
I need you to drive the bus
since the major's not here
and help out generally.
Oh...yes.
But Fred, madam.
What about him?
Well, I was thinking
he might be a nuisance.
Well, he's always a nuisance.
We have to put up
with him, don't we?
Yes, madam.
He can keep out trespassers.
Yes, madam.
Right.
Ha ha ha ha!
Louisa, you're incorrigible.
Oh, changed your tune, have you?
What is it? What is it?
Singing, I presume.
Singing?
We're here! Step out, you lot!
Ohh!
They're here, Mrs. Cochrane.
They're coming up the path.
Lord, how many of them?
6, not counting
Mr. Starr and Mrs. Trotter.
They're early.
They look a bit tipsy. Oh,
Miss Baker's with them!
Come and have a look, quick!
I'm just not ready for them!
She's ever so beautiful!
Now, come away from that window
and wake him up!
Mr. Merriman, the bus has come!
Mrs. Trotter's here! Wake up!
Oh, blimey!
What a den of utter enchantment!
Are you being funny?
No, no, it's delightful!
Truly delightful!
It's a bit musty.
Needs a bit of living in.
That's what we're here for,
to provide that very
ingredient, are we not?
And Miss Baker will dance
for us, won't you, my dear?
Well, I've come here to rest.
Oh, just a tiny twirl.
Leave her alone, darling.
Come and look
at the nice garden.
Merriman!
Where you been, for God's sake,
and where's the bloomin' tea?
Just coming, mum. In a jiffy.
I say, croquet! Whoopee!
Aah! Lovely!
Ooh! Ooh!
Grab a mallet, old girl!
Right!
Out in the garden we'll have it.
Yes, mum.
Spoons, Ethel.
What's this supposed to be?
It's supposed to be a kitchen.
And servants hall.
She thinks we're going
to keep up the standard
of the Bentinck in this place...
Well, we can't all live in here.
It's the black hole of Calcutta.
I don't want Fred in
here, nor his basket.
He'll have to be in here.
There's no front hall to speak of.
He'll just have to spend
his time in the garden.
I'm sorry. I don't
want him in here,
not with food about.
They want tea
served in the garden.
I can't carry it
all up the stairs,
through the sitting room,
onto the terrace,
down the stairs again...
not every day.
I'll help.
No, you won't. Your place
is here with me, Ethel.
Fetch that pot and
put it on the tray.
Oh, just look at the view.
It's right on the finishing
line in regatta week.
TOMMY: I'm going to have a go!
Mind it doesn't go in the sea!
I hope not!
LOUISA: Afternoon, ladies.
Mr. Walden, who
are those dreadful
people next door?
Mrs. Trotter and guests.
Mrs. Delaney: that's it, now.
TOMMY: Hang
on, old girl, hang on.
Wonderful! What
should we do now?
You have to hit
it back here now.
This one?
Yes. See if you
can hit the pole.
Hit the pole?
Yes, hit the pole.
All right. Ah! Missed again!
There's a woman out there
twirling about half-naked!
Yes, sir. I understand
she's Miss Irene Baker,
the celebrated dancer.
I don't care who
she is! Get rid of her!
This is a sailing
club, not a bordello!
There's nothing we can do.
She's on the other
side of the wall.
I know that we ladies do not play
a large part in your thinking, major,
but my husband, uh, did
inform me quite categorically
that house was to be ours.
That was our intention, I
assure you, Lady Blenkiron,
but our club funds
are not inexhaustible,
and I'm afraid we
were quite simply
outbid by this lady.
Lady?
I've heard she runs
a house of ill fame.
A what?
A house of ill fame.
Elspeth, that's nonsense.
Who on earth told you that?
Oh, I've heard it
from several sources.
No, no. The Bentinck's
perfectly decent.
Everyone stays there:
the King in his
time, Lloyd George.
Exactly.
Clergy, don't they?
Clergy? Yes, lots of clergy.
And I live there, as it happens.
It's a jolly nice place.
I never knew you'd
been there, Arthur.
Ladies, I must beg you not
to be prejudiced by gossip.
It's not gossip, Charles.
We have the evidence
of our eyes this afternoon.
Only if they stand
on basket chairs.
And our ears. All through
tea, shrieks and bawdy songs
which quite drowned the band.
Really, ladies, we
shall be keeping
a careful eye on the situation,
and if we feel a complaint
to anyone is justified,
I promise you, we
shan't hesitate to make it.
Now, if you will excuse me, I
really must be getting ashore.
Well, I'll see you to the gig.
♪ And it's all right
in the summertime ♪
♪ In the summertime
it's lovely ♪
♪ While my old man's
painting hard ♪
♪ I'm posing
in the old backyard ♪
♪ But, oh, oh,
in the wintertime ♪
♪ It's another thing,
you know ♪
♪ With a little red nose
and very little clothes ♪
♪ And the stormy winds do blow ♪
♪ My old man
is a very funny chap ♪
♪ He's an artist
in the royal academy ♪
♪ He paints pictures
morning until night ♪
♪ Paints them
with his left hand ♪
♪ Paints them with his right ♪
♪ And all his subjects,
take a tip from me ♪
♪ Are very, very
Eve and Adamy ♪
♪ And I'm the model
that has to pose ♪
♪ For his pictures every day ♪
♪ And it's all right
in the summertime ♪
♪ In the summertime
it's lovely ♪
♪ While my old man's
painting hard ♪
♪ I'm posing
in the old backyard ♪
♪ But, oh, oh,
in the wintertime ♪
♪ It's another thing,
you know ♪
♪ With a little red nose
and very little clothes ♪
♪ And the stormy winds
do blow, oh, oh ♪
♪ And the stormy winds
do blow ♪
Oh, ha ha ha!
Bravo! Bravo! Marvelous!
Splice the mainbrace,
Merriman, old chap!
Any more of that, dear,
and you'll be like
a wet weekend.
What?
Now you'll dance
for us, naturally.
Follow Mrs. Trotter? Not likely.
Yes. Wise of you,
my little flower.
Haslemere, my dear chap,
Mrs. T wasn't sure
if you were coming.
Have you, um, have you
met my fiancée Clara?
She thinks I'm marrying
her for her money,
but it's not true.
Not true at all.
It's all right, dear.
Come outside and look
at the pretty fairy lights.
- See you later, old boy.
- Yes, right.
Where have you been,
just as a matter of interest?
Yes, I'm sorry.
I had another engagement...
On a yacht.
Talk about us, did they?
You were mentioned.
Old Saffron Walden says we've
ruffled a few feathers already...
only been here half a day.
I shouldn't worry.
They're an awfully
stuffy lot, some of them.
Will you excuse me, please?
Irene.
Hello.
Charles, dear boy,
I was just saying to Miss Baker
that her dance was like
a sharp, white little star
in a horribly dull season.
You would agree?
I would, indeed.
I can't remember a more intensely
enjoyable evening in the theater.
Thank you.
I can't remember
a nicer compliment.
And that other evening
at the Bentinck...
Then Romano's.
Oh, yes. I...
..I was hoping that I might have
seen you again after Romano's.
Well, you were so
surrounded by admirers,
I thought my chances
were slim, to say the least.
You should have had more faith.
Well, now...
Yes. Thanks to Mrs. Trotter.
Yes.
How long can you stay?
Well, I have 3 weeks
until my next engagement.
But that's marvelous!
Have you ever
been sailing before?
Oh, I used to stand
on the beach as a child
and watch the great yachts go by
and dream that
someday perhaps...
Well, I shall take you
sailing and fulfill your dreams,
if you'll allow me.
Yes, of course I will.
Time for supper,
I think, Merriman.
Yes, mum.
And what are you
cooking over there,
you wicked woman?
Oh, just an
harmless little soufflé.
Mmm.
You and me could be
on that farm now, Fred.
Just think of that, eh? Rabbits.
Are you not enjoying
yourself, Mr. Starr?
No, I'm not.
A change is as good
as a rest, they say.
Last holiday I had
was 14 years ago,
when Mr. Cochrane was
took in the sea at Margate.
I went off holidays after that,
but then I wouldn't mind
one now, I must say.
Where would you go, Mrs. C,
if you had the pick
of the whole world?
Not Margate, I presume.
No, I'd go to me
daughter's at Wigan.
Wigan?
There's a choice spot.
I like it here.
The seaside, and the feeling
of romance in the house.
I think it's lovely.
You shouldn't fill your
head with such thoughts.
- It's not healthy.
- I can't help it.
I just have to look at Miss
Baker, and I'm trembling.
She's set her compass
at his lordship, all right,
and no mistake.
All these nautical terms, Fred.
What does Mrs.
Trotter think about it?
Seems to encourage it.
She'll never make
a lady, will she?
Not in a hundred years.
Why not?
Her father's a jobbing
builder from Bognor.
That's why not, Ethel.
Mr. Starr, would you
mind not doing that in here?
His hairs are flying
all over the place.
Well, anyway, lady or not,
I don't half wish
I had her body.
We'll have 2 new bottles, I say.
Ha ha ha ha!
Oh!
I say! Old chap!
A little matter I'd like
to clear up with you.
I've put up with your
sailing club 5 times now
and been blackballed every time.
What's the matter with me?
Fairly good pedigree...
Even owned a little
racing cutter once.
Brewers and whiskey distillers
often get in.
Oh...do they?
But not Turks and Kurds.
What? What are
you talking about?
I'm not a turd or...
Ha ha ha!
I think he's being a bit
saucy with you, darling.
Come along. Bedtime.
Oh, yes.
Hee hee hee!
Really, Louisa, you
must try and improve
the quality of some
of your friends.
Yeah, well, there's
others think that.
They got to have
somewhere to go...
people like them...
so they come to me.
It's all part of the
service, Mr. Walden.
And now you're rebuking me.
No. I will say this.
I'd rather have
them as me friends
than your lot over the wall
from what I've seen so far.
What have you seen?
Snooty faces peering at me.
Well, you know why that is.
They wanted your annexe.
What for?
Their convenience.
They've nowhere to go.
Well, can't they go
in the clubhouse?
Ladies aren't allowed
in the clubhouse.
God's truth, it's
worse than I thought.
You mean they can't
piddle in their own place,
so they'll have to come
over to my place to piddle?
You have it in a nutshell.
Now I must leave you, my dear.
It's been a delightful evening.
You can be sure I
shall come again.
Will there be anything
more this evening, mum?
No, no, not for me there won't.
Rooms all ready, are they?
Just about, mum.
Mr. Starr was helping.
We're a bit shorthanded.
There's not many of us.
I know, mum.
Will his lordship be staying?
I don't know.
You better ask him, hadn't you?
Yes, mum.
Good night, mum.
Ah! Now, that's Jupiter.
I think.
Or is it the pole star?
Ha ha ha! I don't
think you know.
You're quite right.
MERRIMAN: Anything else,
my lord?
What, what? Yes!
Merriman, that bottle's empty.
No!
Don't...move.
The moon's caught you perfectly.
You know, on stage
I thought you were the most
divine apparition I'd ever seen.
Offstage...
I find you even more divine.
Oh, Irene...
Thank you, Merriman.
Don't wait up.
You'll turn the lights out,
will you, my lord?
Yes, yes.
Uh, good night, my lord.
Good night, Merriman.
Good night.
Uh...
I've imagined someone
like you all my life...
My lord.
Not so bad after all, eh, Starr?
No, madam, the air
is surprisingly bracing.
There's Lord Pembury.
If his wife knew what
I knew about him,
she wouldn't be so
pleased with herself.
Isn't that her?
Yes, I do believe...
Good morning, ladies.
Don't answer.
Good morning.
Who's that
extraordinary little man
with that dreadful,
common little dog?
STARR: Did you hear that, madam?
I did.
Animals should really
be kept off the promenade.
What do you suppose them
cardboard discs are, Starr?
First prize at the donkey show?
She's insulting us!
What can you expect, Elspeth,
with women who keep bordellos?
What?!
STARR: No! No!
Don't rise to it,
madam, I beg you!
I'm not having my reputation
impugned by her sort!
I've lived too long for that!
CHARLIE: What's happened?
I've been insulted, that's what!
By ladies from your club!
Called me a brothelkeeper.
What are you laughing
at, Miss Baker?
I'm sorry.
I want their names,
both of them.
One looks like a
barge in full sail,
and the other's short
and pink and ugly
and puddles along behind her.
Who are they, Charlie?
If I told you their names,
you couldn't remember them.
Oh, I would them
two, make no mistake.
They sound like Rose
Blenkiron and Elspeth Sibley.
Blenkiron and Sibley.
Write it down, Starr.
CHARLIE: Oh, for
heaven's sake, Louisa.
Don't be so silly! Ignore them!
I don't ignore personal
insults, Charlie!
You know that!
Of course you do.
You're on holiday,
and we're here to enjoy
ourselves, aren't we?
Not to watch you indulge
in some trivial vendetta.
Come on, my angel.
Where are we going?
- We are going sailing.
- Oh, lovely!
What are you gawping at?
I say!
I'd call round at her
stage door any evening!
Ha ha ha!
You know what
you are, don't you?
You're a naughty
old Piccadilly Johnny!
Ha ha! He's very
well known as Algie
to the ladies on the stage!
♪ And a jolly good chap
is Algie ♪
♪ 'cause Algie's
all the rage. ♪
♪ And a jolly good
favorite Algie ♪
♪ to the barmaids
at the Crown. ♪
♪ He's very well known
as Algie ♪
♪ as the Piccadilly Johnny
with the little glass eye. ♪
That's wonderful!
♪ He's very well known
as Algie ♪
♪ to the ladies on the stage. ♪
♪ And a jolly
good boy is Algie ♪
♪ 'cause Algie's all the rage. ♪
♪ And a jolly good
favorite Algie ♪
♪ to the barmaids
at the Crown. ♪
♪ He's very well
known as Algie ♪
♪ as the Piccadilly Johnny
with the little glass eye. ♪
I say! I say!
What about a bit of gaming, eh?
Police! Complain!
I don't think we can.
Half our members are over there.
What?!
I hate to name names,
but I think we have...
We have Lord
Haslemere to thank for this.
Rumor has it that it was
he who told this woman
about the cottage
and urged her to buy it.
Did he, by jove?
What?
I'll have 25!
I say, lend us a
pound, old girl.
Here you are. Don't
spend it all at once.
Red 19.
Are you sure?
On the brink!
ALL: Oh!
Twos lose!
LOUISA: All right.
That's your luck!
Clear off home!
Oh, just one more.
I'm tired. Off you go.
Oh, don't be so
bloomin' stingy, Tommy.
Leave it for the poor old staff.
Splendid evening. Splendid.
Oh, splendid to have you
down here, Mrs. Trotter.
Told your wife where
you are tonight, eh?
Good lord, no.
Not a word, eh?
They think we're playing bridge.
Quite convenient, not
letting ladies in there.
They don't know
what you're up to.
That is the object
of the exercise, yes.
But we'd still have to creep out
through the garden
tonight anyway.
Back gate to avoid Wilkins.
What a life.
My dear, there are occasions
we allow ladies in.
Escorted by a member,
they can view the cups.
Yes, and on the last
night of the regatta,
they can watch the
fireworks from the platform.
Oh, that must be a thrill.
Well, I believe Queen Victoria
was the only lady ever
to be entertained there.
Yes. She was asked to tea once.
It only happened though because,
the commodore then
happened to be her own son.
Who's your commodore now?
You wanted to see me, sir?
Yes, Haslemere. Shut the door.
Sit down.
This woman friend
of yours next door...
- Do you mean Mrs. Trotter, sir?
- Yes.
You know her pretty
well, I understand.
Yes, I do, sir.
And you told her
to buy the cottage.
Certainly not. I had no idea.
That's not what I heard.
Anyway, she's causing trouble.
Complaints from members. Noise!
Really, sir?
Tell her to pipe
down or get out.
Sir Evelyn, I don't think
it's any of my business.
What?
Well, you can hear
her now, damn it.
Devil of a row going on,
frightening all the ladies.
I'm in quite enough
trouble with them as it is.
Just a few high spirits, sir.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, not there. Not there.
Here. You watch this one.
Would you be kind enough
to make a little
less noise, please?
And would you be kind
enough to ask your band
to make a little less noise?
Would you, please?
Louder. Play louder.
WOMAN: My turn now.
All right. That does it!
Merriman!
Merriman!
Merriman!
Merriman!
Get the pots!
Pots, mum?
The pots.
The chamber pots. Get 'em.
All of 'em, mum?
Yeah, all of 'em, and tell Starr
to bring them out in the garden.
We'll show 'em.
Most of the stories
about Mrs. Trotter,
whatever you may have
heard, sir, are quite unfounded.
She's rather a serious
person, actually.
Marvelous cook.
You really must sample
her cooking sometime.
She's enormously fond
of children and animals.
Old ladies stay at the
Bentinck quite happily,
and the Bishop of Winchelsea
wouldn't stay anywhere else.
In fact, he once told me that
he found the atmosphere there
as peaceful as his
own cathedral close.
Have you considered
the cost, madam?
It's worth every penny.
Ready?
LADIES: Yes.
Fire!
Steward?
Disgraceful!
My God!
Ha ha ha! You should
have heard them!
Squealing like
stuck pigs, they was!
Carnage!
That'll teach them to insult us
on the promenade, eh, Fred?
Sound like a lot of daft kids.
We'll all go to prison!
That'd be an holiday.
It was unforgivable.
What on earth possessed you?
They asked for it.
They didn't ask to be
bombarded with chamber pots.
My God.
You might have killed
someone, you know that?
There were old ladies
there with matchstick bones.
I was only giving them
something they needed...
..badly, by all accounts.
Well, there's trouble,
I'm telling you.
The commodore's
furious, with good reason.
He wants an immediate apology.
I'm not apologizing.
You are apologizing.
You behavior was stupid,
dangerous, and
damned irresponsible.
Well, your behavior
ain't been much
to write home about
these last few days.
What?
Don't look so innocent.
You and Miss Baker.
Oh, good lord, but
that's quite unfair.
Is it?
You more or less
threw us together.
Yeah, well, you don't have
to make such a meal of it.
Sorry...if we've offended you.
Oh, no, you haven't.
I'm just pointing out
when it comes to
behaving in public,
none of us is perfect.
Oh, for God's sake, Louisa!
Irene and I are having fun, yes.
I mean, she's awfully
sweet. I'm fond of her.
Going to marry her?
No, of course I'm
not going to marry her.
At least I don't think so.
Would you mind if I did?
Of course not. It's your
life. You do what you like.
Well, you know
I couldn't do that,
not without your approval.
To be quite honest, I
was looking on Irene as a...
..blow for freedom.
What do you mean?
Well, to...help...separate us.
It must happen
one day, mustn't it?
I thought she was
a sort of...present.
I was rather touched.
Charlie...
Just a moment, my angel.
See you in a moment.
Look, I...
I think it's best if
perhaps I leave here.
Why?
Well, I just do. I...
Well, you can't go.
Can't leave me
to the mercy of...
Wart-Grantly,
whatever his name is.
Yes. Yes, he wants to see you.
I'm supposed to arrange it.
Well, he could always
pop around here.
Can invite me
round to his place.
I think it's hardly
likely that he'll do that.
No. We shall have to
find some common ground.
"Minstrel Whiskers."
Blenkiron's yacht.
I'll fix it for tomorrow.
No, Charlie, I'm
not going there,
not with that wife of his.
I wouldn't trust meself.
You'll do as you're told.
Here. I wasn't
expecting all that lot.
Just the commodore, you said.
Uh, Mrs. Trotter, may
I introduce my wife?
I, uh, I believe you've met.
We have, indeed.
Uh, our commodore,
Sir Evelyn Grant-Wortley,
Admiral Swain, member
of the committee,
and Major Gutch, our secretary.
Won't you sit
down, Mrs. Trotter?
Ta.
Uh...
- Perhaps some tea?
- No thanks.
Later, Reginald.
Oh, I'll, uh, go
and tell Fleming.
Ahem.
Mrs. Trotter...
I will apologize,
but only if she does first.
Apologize for what?
She knows.
Perhaps I can explain.
Mrs. Trotter believes that
she overheard Lady Blenkiron
uttering a rather damaging
remark against her
while walking on the promenade.
I heard all right, and
there was witnesses.
Oh, what rubbish.
Care to deny it
in a court of law?
Ladies, please.
What's this got to do
with the pot incident?
I think what lord
Haslemere is intimating
is that the remark might
perhaps have provoked
the pot incident.
Oh, he's clever.
Mrs. Trotter, I must
ask you to remember
that you are a guest
aboard my yacht.
Look, I didn't ask to come here,
and I didn't expect
an inquisition.
I'd have been quite happy to
talk this thing out in my cottage
over a glass of wine,
even in your bloody clubhouse
if you'd been civil
enough to ask me.
But since we are met here,
let's get a few things straight.
I buy a house in what's
supposed to be a free country.
I mind me own business,
and find meself insulted
left, right, and center.
Just 'cause I have
a few friends...
half of them your members
who like a bit of fun.
There's always been
parties over there,
I've been told.
The last owner had
your admiral in there.
Don't tell me they played
tiddlywinks all night.
Now, if this is all a
plot to get me out,
just so's your ladies
can have somewhere to...
..relieve themselves,
well, that's another matter.
Personally, I feel
sorry for them.
The way you lot treat ladies,
like the dark ages.
I wouldn't stand for it.
Still, that's their business.
Fact is, I'm not budging,
and there's got to be give
and take on both sides.
That's all I'm going
to say at the moment.
Thank you.
What's she talking about?
If I might put in a word...
She's right.
I beg your pardon?
She's quite right.
It is like the dark ages,
and what are you
going to do about it?
SIR EVELYN: My
dear Lady Blenkiron...
No.
Sweet words are not
enough, Sir Evelyn.
I am sorry. It's action we want,
or to be more
precise, her annexe.
My annexe?
Yes. You don't need it.
You haven't been inside it yet.
Tell her to sell it,
and I for one, am prepared
to forget about the pots.
CHARLIE: Oh, but
that's an absurd bargain.
Give and take, Charles.
That's what she said.
Yes, but what does
she get in return?
Money, I presume.
Our club funds
are rather stretched.
SWAIN: Waste of
money, my opinion,
managed for 50 years.
"Manage" is hardly
the word, George.
Have you ever been inside
the strangers' lavatory?
Well, no.
Mrs. Trotter, are there
any circumstances
in which you might
consider selling your annexe?
- No, of course that —
- Yes, Sir Evelyn.
I might consider it...
Under certain conditions.
There. I told you
she'd see reason.
Careful, Ethel.
I knew this would happen.
A few hours in the sun,
and me whole face peels off.
Only your nose, Mr. Starr.
Well, wonders will never cease.
She's selling it.
Selling what?
STARR: The house?
Oh, thank God for that.
Oh, not the house.
The bit on the
side...the annexe,
to the ladies next
door for their ablutions.
The annexe? But our
bedrooms are up there.
Oh, we're keeping
them, I'm told.
We'll have them all tramping
in through the garden.
Is it a punishment,
you think, for the pots?
No doubt, Ethel,
but it won't make
our lives any easier.
She's sold us down the river.
Well, I think the King's
got something to do with it.
He's the admiral of that club,
and he's always been
concerned about ladies.
He probably had
a word in her ear.
Bet she still got
a good price for it.
Must you go?
Yes, really.
I have estate business
I must attend to.
Well, who'll take me sailing?
Look, I'll...
I'll try and come
back next weekend,
and I'll write every day.
Dearest Ally...
You haven't tired of me?
No.
Oh, no.
I adore you, my darling Pally.
Oh! Ahem. I'm sorry.
There's something
amazing going on out here.
Do come and have a look.
Look! Look!
I don't believe it.
What is it, Mr. Walden?
Who's coming?
Must be royalty,
dear lady. Who else?
Royalty.
They're rolling out the carpet.
Oh, lord.
I...I--don't think so, Crofton.
You better check
with Major Gutch.
Afternoon, Wilkins.
I've been asked to tea.
Blow for freedom, eh, Charlie?