The Donna Reed Show (1958–1966): Season 2, Episode 33 - Mary's Crusade - full transcript

Mary's friend Ellen is very smart at school, but plain looking. No one asks her out. Mary decides to give Ellen a makeover to show the boys in school that Ellen is just as pretty as she is smart.

Mom, what do you think of
Ellen, and her looks, I mean?

Well, I think Ellen
is very nice-looking.

Do you know, she doesn't have
a single invitation to the dance

just because she's so
honest and intelligent.

I think that's terrible.

Well, I wasn't aware that
honesty and intelligence

were social handicaps.

Besides, there's almost a
whole week before the dance.

Oh, nobody will ask
her. Boys are stupid.

Is that why you collect
them like post-it stamps?

Jeff, will you please keep
out of this conversation?



Well, since when doesn't
a fellow have a right...

Jeff, whatever Mary has
to say doesn't concern you.

Well, OK, but if she's going
to stand around knocking boys,

somebody's got to defend them.

All boys are interested in is a,

a pretty face that looks
up at them with cow eyes.

Moo.

Mother, will you please
do something about him?

Jeff, I think that "Moo"
was unnecessary, bossy.

OK. I won't say another word.

And if you do, make it
"Good night". It's late.

Mother, what is there about
brains that scare men off?

Well, I don't think
that's quite true.

I mean, it's, it's
possible to be pretty



and intelligent
at the same time.

Well, if a girl is, she
better keep it a secret.

Well, that shouldn't be
hard for some people.

- Good night.
- Good night, Jeff.

And now, take Melanie Miller.

All she knows is
one word, "Divine."

You know, everything is divine.

"Jimmy, what a divine sweater!"

"Oh, what a divine
Algebra paper!"

"What a simply divine
peanut butter sandwich!"

Now, for a girl with
a limited vocabulary,

she's very popular.

Well, that's what I mean

and, and then, a really
sweet girl like Ellen

with a brilliant mind can't
even get invited to the dance.

- Hi, Dad!
- Hello, old buddy.

- How are things?
- Oh, pretty good.

They hate men tonight.

Good night, everybody.

Why don't you like men tonight?

Why do you resent
our brilliant minds?

Daddy, boys are lunkheads.

Ellen doesn't have
a date for the dance.

Oh, and I take it
that's a great tragedy?

For a girl, the saddest
words ever spoken.

Daddy, why don't boys realize
that a pretty face isn't everything?

Well, because,
angel, at this age,

they're attracted to
colorful things that glitter.

The high IQ isn't one of them.

Well, does it ever change?

Of course, of course.

They grow up, mature
and get new values.

See, when a man thinks of
settling down and getting married,

he, he looks for
something substantial,

something that'll stand
up to the wear and tear

of everyday living.

A pretty face is no
longer the most impor...

Oops.

Thank you, Mother.

Welcome home, dear.

Can't you do any
better than a C in effort?

Well, gee, Dad, that's a
pretty good report card,

considering that
I wasn't trying.

I know you're trying to
make some subtle point,

but I don't quite follow you.

Well, if I would have
gotten an A in effort,

with those grades,

it would have meant that I'm
not as smart as I'm trying to be.

And, you, do you mean to
say that these grades are better

because you're not
trying to be smart?

Well, sure, Dad, that's it.

Next time, try. We
won't hold it against you.

OK, Dad.

Ellen, I think with your hair,

you would look
positively stunning.

Well, what do you
think, Mrs. Stone?

Well, I like it the way it
is, but why don't you try it?

Mary is my hair consultant.

Yeah, come on, Ellen.

You know, I have a fabulous
idea for a new hairdo for you.

- Thank you, darling.
- Hmm-hmm.

Uh, Mary Stone
beauty course for Ellen?

To get her a date.

I think Mary is going
to make her over

in the image of Melanie Miller.

What is she like?

"What a divine sweater!"

Oh, one of those.

Oh, it's very
effective with men.

Of course, when they
think of settling down,

they look for something
solid and substantial.

I was anticipating a
conversation like this.

Drink your coffee, dear.

- I have a confession to make.
- Hmm?

When I got married, I
thought only of surface beauty,

no other qualities mattered.

It sounds like you didn't
have much character.

With your looks, you
make coffee like this?

Flattery will get you nothing,
but another cup of coffee, dear.

Oh, no, maybe
that's too stunning.

Melanie wore her
hair this way once.

Oh, Melanie has
an empty expression.

Nothing clashes with it.

Um, Ellen, do, do you
have to wear the glasses?

Well, the, the doctor says
that if I wear them for a year,

so I won't need them anymore.

Well, maybe,
when you go parties,

you can take them off
and put them in your purse.

You know, lots of
movie stars do that.

I wouldn't be able to see.

Ellen, at parties,
you don't have to see.

You just have to be seen.

Uh, Mary, you know, I'm not
too disappointed about the dance.

Oh, who's talking
about the dance.

We'll probably just go
to a movie that night.

Now, you can get as
many dates as you want.

Well, I just don't
like boys' attitudes.

They, they pick their dates
like they were at an auction.

Hey, you know, Maria
Antoinette wore her hair this way.

Yes, but she lost her head.

Oh, who cares. She looked
great until the very end.

Ellen, uh, boys like
to feel important.

You have to learn to look
at them as if you're saying,

"You're so tall and
you're so handsome

and what do you
see in itsy bitsy me."

- See?
- Oh, wait, wait.

"Itsy bitsy me."

Well, what if they're short?

They're boys, you still look up.

Ellen, let me see you
walk across the room,

just a little ways up
and down. Go ahead.

Ellen, you, you walk
as if all you wanted to do

was get from one end
of the room to the other.

Isn't that the idea?

Oh, no.

Walking is an
art, like sculpture.

Well, you have
to glide a little bit,

like, like you have a heavy
book on top of your head.

- Now, watch.
- Oh, wait, wait a minute.

All right. Now, look.

Glide.

See? Now, come on, you try it.

And glide.

That's much better.

Now, this time, tilt
your head a little bit

and wear a mysterious smile.

What's that for?

Well, boys don't know
what you're thinking about

and it intrigues them.

Good.

Hey, Mary, have you
seen my dictionary.

Oh! Oh, Ralph.

Oh.

Melanie's got a lovely laugh.

She practices in
front of the mirror.

Oh, Ralph, that's
divine, just simply divine.

"Oh, Ralph, that's divine."

He probably said
it looked like rain.

Oh, hi, Roy.

Hi, Mary.

You know my friend,
Ellen, don't you?

Sure. How are you?

I'm fine. Thank you, Roy.

Um, how did you do on your
Social Science term paper?

Oh, wow, don't remind me.

I got a C-minus and
my father is fit to be tied.

Oh.

See you later, Roy.

Yeah, Mary.

- It was a pleasure
talking— - Hi, Melanie.

Roy Jenkins, I am
not speaking to you.

Why not?

Well, if you don't know...

Gosh, Melanie, I'm
sorry if I did anything.

Well, uh, get me a
straw like a divine darling

and maybe I'll forgive you.

What's he apologizing for?

Oh nothing, but
he doesn't know it.

It's another one
of her techniques.

It doesn't seem very honest.

Ellen, that's another
thing that frightens boys.

Honesty. Brains and honesty.

Oh, here comes Don Morgan.

I don't think he has a
date for the dance yet.

Hi, Mary.

Oh, hi, Don.

You know my friend,
Ellen, don't you?

- Hi.
- How do you do?

I was wondering, Mary,

have you made up your
mind about the dance?

Oh, the, the dance?

Uh, you know, Ellen showed me
a dreamy new step the other day.

She's a wonderful dancer.

- Really?
- Hmm-hmm.

Uh, uh, uh, excuse me.

I, uh, I have to
get another straw.

Does she got a bad leg?

Oh, no. She's just a
very attractive walker.

Oh, Ellen, have you
ever seen, uh, Don

drive his brother's sports car?

Oh, no, but I'd love to.

Are you interested
in sports cars?

I'm fascinated by the
internal combustion engine.

No foolin'?

You know, yesterday afternoon,
I shaved a cylinder head.

Really?

For more compression?

That's right.

Say, I never thought a
girl knew about such things.

Oh, well, sports cars
are Ellen's favorite hobby.

Oh, gee, that's great.

You know, I've been working
on a theory about neuropistons

- and if you'd like— - Donald!

I have a divine
secret to tell you.

Excuse me, girls.

Come on, fellow, give.

Oh, wouldn't I like
to grind her valves.

Let's face it, Mary.

A cylinder head can't
compete with Melanie's.

Here comes Bert Singleton.

Oh, oh, I think he is
the bitter burning end.

- Hi, Mary.
- Hi, Bert.

You know my friend,
Ellen, don't you?

Well, sure. Hi, Ellen.

Bert!

I have the most
divine thing to tell you.

Excuse me, girls.

Hey, fellow, give a little.

Any more boys parade
to Melanie's table,

maybe we'll catch the overflow.

Oh, I wish she'd catch her
divine head in a divine ringer.

The dance?

Well, it's very sweet
of you to ask me, Dick,

but I have other plans.

Well, I, I have an idea.

You know my friend,
Ellen Peters, she's a ve...

What's that?

If you take her
features one by one,

she's a very attractive girl.

All right.

Thank you, anyway,
Dick. Goodbye.

Oh, Mother.

No luck yet, dear?

I think it's a terrible commentary
on our whole civilization.

Well, I wouldn't give up
on civilization just because

the boys happened to prefer
Melanie to Ellen at this stage.

I already told Ellen that
I won't go to the dance

unless I can find
a date for her.

Boy, that's a laugh.

Did you find something
amusing in your homework, dear?

If Bert Singleton called,

you'd forget all about
Ellen and civilization.

- Bert Singleton.
- Well, yeah, Bert Singleton.

Bert Singleton?

He's president of the class.

Remember the basketball team?

Quite dreamy.

Bert Singleton.

Well, that's what I
said, Bert Singleton.

Really, Mary has turned
down quite a few invitations

because of Ellen.

Well, maybe so, but
if the big man calls,

it's, "Goodbye, Ellen."

If Bert Singleton calls, Jeff,

I will tell him exactly
what I told all of the others.

Well, that, I'd like to see.

Do you suppose you can do some
homework while you're waiting?

We'll keep you informed
if anything happens.

Bert Singleton, what an ego.

He always waits until
the last minute to call.

Isn't that dangerous?

Oh, most of them keep
hoping he'll call them

and they just wait breathlessly
for the king to make his decision.

Hmph.

But not me.

Oops, sorry.

Poor darling.

Girls her age are so vulnerable.

And boys can be
cruel and thoughtless?

I refuse to answer.

I have two of my own, you know.

Right.

Oh.

I, I just thought I'd try it on.

Why, it's very pretty, dear.

Well, what's the use of
making brave statements

if I don't mean them?

Who is saying you
don't mean them?

I am.

Oh, well, I mean, if I go
to this dance without Ellen,

I'll be going back on
everything I've been saying.

Well, I, I can't do that, can I?

Oh, I, I never dreamed that
I couldn't get Ellen a date

for the dance with someone.

Oh, Momma, what
would you do in my case?

Exactly what
you're doing, honey.

Feel good that I kept a promise

and be miserable because
it kept me from a dance.

Poor darling.

She desperately wants me to
tell her it would be all right to go.

Well, why doesn't she go?

Because it would be
breaking a promise.

Are you sure these
scales are right?

Sure are, right on the nose.

A hundred and a half.

Darling, if she made a promise,

there are only two
things she can do,

keep the promise
or break the promise.

Darling, I didn't come
here to listen to logic.

Please try to be helpful.

Oh, I'm trying
to find a solution,

something illogical, of course.

Look, if she's so
miserable about not going,

why can't you
insist that she go?

Because she'd be even
more miserable if she went.

I'm sure there must be a
logical answer to that statement,

but, uh, I'm not going to
be the one to try and make it.

Hey, he just called Mary.

The big man just called Mary.

The king himself?

Hmm-hmm. Now, we'll see.

Oh, did Mary accept?

I didn't hear the end.

She tossed me out of the room.

Mommy, Bert
Singleton just called

and invited me to the dance.

Oh, we're very impressed.
Did you say, "Yes"?

Did she say, "Yes"?
Boy, what a question.

She said, "Yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes."

I didn't say, "Yes."

You turned down the big man?

Did you decline
the invitation, Mary?

Well, I, I didn't say, "No."

You didn't say, "No,"
and you didn't say, "Yes."

Well, what did you do?

Promise to go halfway
to the dance with him?

I owed him the
courtesy of considering it.

Oh, I bet you didn't
mention Ellen's name.

Alex, would you have a
little talk with this small-scale

prosecuting attorney, please?

- I'd be glad to.
- Thank you, dear.

Come on.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Girl talk.

Dad, women throw me.

I just don't understand them.

Well, they're no great mystery,

once you admit you
don't understand them.

Well, thank you very much.

Goodbye.

Mother, Ellen isn't home.

What would you have
said to her if she were?

I don't know.

What are you going to
say to Bert when he calls?

I don't know.

Hi!

There's Ellen now.

Oh, Mother, what should I do?

Honey, this is a decision

that you're going to
have to make yourself.

I can't tell you what to do.

- Hi, Ellen.
- Hi, Mary.

- Hello, dear.
- Hello, Mrs. Stone.

Uh, why don't you go in
the living room and talk?

No.

I, I've done something
terrible and I,

I just don't know how to say it.

Well, try, Ellen.

Mary realizes how difficult
it is to say things sometimes.

I, I can't go to the movies
with you tonight or the dance.

You, you can't? Well, well, why?

- Oh, please don't be angry.
- Oh, I'm not angry.

Well, a boy from the
school I used to go to called.

He's having a birthday
party that night and,

well, he wants me to come.

- Of course, if, if
you feel— - Oh, go.

Oh, you are angry.

Oh, no, Ellen. Mary isn't angry.

She's very happy for you.

Well, sure, Ellen.

If you can go and
have a nice time,

don't worry about me.

I'll find something to do.

I know that if the
situation were reversed,

you'd never do
anything like this.

I mean, leaving somebody
stranded after promising...

Well, Ellen, don't give
it a second thought.

Now, tell me all about
the boy and the party.

His parents are allowing
him to take a few friends

to a restaurant.

The boys will be
in dinner jackets.

Oh, that's fabulous! What
are you going to wear?

Well, Mother said she'd
get me a new dress.

What color, have you decided?

Well, I don't know, pink,
maybe. Maybe, powder blue.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Peters.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Stone.

Why didn't you
come in with Ellen?

Thank you, but she's
only staying a second,

wanted to talk to
Mary about something.

I know. The party
sounds very exciting.

- The party?
- Yes, the birthday party.

Oh, I don't know
a thing about it.

Who's having a birthday?

Well, I don't know.

I thought I heard them
talking about a birthday party.

Well, they have so
many social projects.

It must have been Mary
on the phone with someone.

Oh, you better hurry, dear,
we have to pick up Daddy.

- Goodbye, Mrs. Stone.
- Goodbye, Mrs. Peters.

Oh, lunch someday, maybe?

- Wonderful.
- Good.

Come along, dear.

- Bye, Ellen.
- Goodbye, Mrs. Stone.

Well?

Oh, Mother, what a relief

and it was just in the
nick of time, you know.

I would never have had
the courage to tell her.

I know.

And the way I
didn't have to and,

and she's going
to a fabulous party,

you know, wasn't it
funny she felt so guilty...

Hello?

Yes, she is.

- Just a moment.
- Is it for me?

Bert Singleton.

Mother, what's the matter?

Mary, uh, I think
you should know

that Ellen isn't going
to a birthday party.

Mother, what do you mean?

You just heard her
tell me that she...

She merely invented
a glamorous party,

so that you would feel
free to go to the dance.

Oh, I should have known.
Ellen has so much character.

But what do I do now?

Well, you're not really
supposed to know, are you?

But I do know.

Guess I shouldn't have told you.

Mother, I would never
have forgiven you.

That's why I told you.

Hello, Bert?

Thank you very
much for inviting me,

but, uh, something
has come up and I,

I won't be able to go with you.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

If it's any consolation, dear,
you did a very nice thing.

Thank you, Mother.

I'm just bursting
with principle.

Maybe we can go to a movie
when Daddy comes home.

Hey, sis, uh, you want
to play some chess?

I really don't want to,
Jeff. Thank you, anyway.

Oh, golly. I, I can't
even call Ellen.

I have to keep pretending
she's going to that fabulous party.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Yeah, she's here.

Just, just a second.

Hey, Mary, it's
for you. It's Ellen.

- Thank you, Jeff.
- Hmm-hmm.

Hi, Ellen.

When?

Who?

How did it happen?

Oh, of course I could
be ready in 10 minutes.

OK! Bye!

Mother, you're...

Mother, you're never going
to guess what happened!

- Poor Ellen is so
excited— - What happened?

We're going to the dance!

Well, Ellen will be
here in 10 minutes!

Mother, weren't you listening?

Honey, but how? What,
what happened, Mary?

Tell me, what happened?

I don't believe it.

The, the, the, the girls are
going to the dance after all?

They certainly are.

Ellen is upstairs,
helping Mary dress.

They're, they're both
slightly hysterical.

Who were the boys?

Well, one of them is
Ellen's cousin, Frank

and a buddy of his,

both freshmen from
Northwestern, no less.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'd say that more
than makes up for the loss

of Bert Singleton.

It's, it's poetic justice.

- Mary's faith paid off.
- Yeah.

A good thing, too.

In a few more hours,

she would have become
disillusioned idealist.

Good evening.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

I'm Frank Pissel,
Ellen's cousin,

and this is my
friend, Mort Rondel.

Mort?

- How do you do, Mort?
- How do you do, sir?

- Frank.
- How do you do?

We're the Stones.

This is Mary's mother
and I'm Dr. Stone.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Uh, come in, sit down.

Thank you.

Uh, Mary, Ellen?

Yes, Mother?

There are two very attractive
gentlemen waiting for you.

Thank you, Mother.
We'll be down in a minute.

I, uh, think it's only fair
to warn you that minute

may stretch to two.

I'd like to apologize for the
last minute arrangements,

but I just got into
town last night

- and Mort just arrived
this evening.
- Uh-huh.

Tomorrow, we're going together

to a national council
meeting upstate.

Frank suggested that
we stop over here first,

at Hilldale, I mean, drop
in on his aunt and uncle.

Well, fortunately, the girls
hadn't made a date to the dance.

They must have been
psychic or something.

Yeah.

Gosh, isn't she pretty?

Yeah.

Mort, this is my cousin, Ellen.

Hi.

Hi.

Frank, I'd like you to
meet my best friend, Mary.

Hello, Frank.

It's very nice to
meet you, Mary.

Well, we better be
going or we'll be late.

Oh, sure.

- Uh, good night, Dr. Stone.
- Good night.

- Mrs. Stone.
- Good night.

- Good night, Mrs. Stone.
- Good night.

- Enjoy yourselves.
- Have a good time.

- Good night.
- Thank you.