The Donna Reed Show (1958–1966): Season 2, Episode 26 - The Fatal Leap - full transcript

Alex is invited to a wedding of his former college roommate who had some wild nights and lots of dates. Alex is also invited to the bachelor party. Donna is worried about what might happen.

Where is he?

Where is Alex? Has he left yet?

Uh, no, he hasn't.
Uh, Alex, Jack is here.

- Oh, excuse me,
how are you Donna?
- I'm fine, thank you.

Tell me, has the
mailman been here yet?

- Uh, no, he hasn't, why?
- Good.

Then I'm just in time.

Morning Jack, aren't
you the early bird?

Behold the bearer of some
very interesting tidings.

- Oh, what is it?
- You won't believe it.

You will absolutely
not believe it.



Oh, Jack, don't tell
me you've been drafted.

Oh, no, he's a natural
4F, if I ever saw one.

No, no, no, it's
nothing like that.

You'll say I made it up.

- You'll say it couldn't
happen in a million years.
- What? What?

But there it is. Here.
Here. Read that.

"Request the honor of your
presence of the marriage

of their daughter, Emily..."

Who is Emily Hard-Wiggins.

Never mind, keep reading.
Read who she's marrying.

Oh.

Maurice Bigby Edwards.

- Moose Edwards.
- Moose.

- Moose.
- Moose.



You mean to say the
Moose has gone and done it?

That's what it says, doesn't it?

Well, I'll be darned.

- Who is Moose Edwards?
- Who is Moose Edwards?

He was only the biggest rowder
in the whole class of college.

He was always in
some kind of trouble

and he and Alex were roommates.

Oh. You never mentioned it.

Well, you remember my
telling you about Moose.

No. I can't say that I do.

I had the impression you spend
all your evenings at the library.

Library? Those two?

They were a pair, those two.

They were always in
everything, eh, Alex?

Uh, just freshman year
then Moose got kicked out.

What for?

For bringing girls to the
rehearsal of the male glee club

and not just A girl,
mind you but girls.

Half of the chorus of
The Student Prince.

It was completely innocent.

I mean, if you've ever
seen The Student Prince.

Boy, I'll never
forget that night.

There we were all singing...

The proctor pounding on the door

and Alex shimmying
down the drainpipe.

Sounds absolutely hilarious.

Ah, you don't find old
Alex getting caught, no sir.

He was too foxy.

Oh, he sure was.

Boy, those are the
good old days, huh?

Yeah.

- Well, it's all over now, Alex.
- Yeah.

She'll have him towing
the line from now on.

She'll put the
blinders on old Moose.

You said it.

- He'll be sorry.
- Uh-hmm.

Poor chump.

Didn't know what he
was letting himself in for.

Oh, it reminds me, I got to pick
up some things for Madeline.

Well, I just want to be the
first to bring you the good news.

Yeah.

- So long, Jack.
- So long, Alex.

Hmm.

Poor old Moose.

Well, I'd better
get going myself.

Nobody is stopping you.

Darling, is there
something wrong?

Nothing that hasn't
always been wrong, I guess.

What do you mean?

You think there's something
wrong with marriage.

And why do you say that?

- Why do you say it?
- Me?

I've been standing here listening
to you two tearing it to pieces.

Poor old Moose, he'll
find out, he'll be sorry.

Darling, you didn't
take that seriously,

men always say those things.

Do they? That's
very interesting.

It doesn't mean a thing.

Sweetheart, I wasn't
talking about our marriage.

I just meant, uh,
marriage in general.

Well, is our marriage so
much different from any other?

Well, of course, it is.

How?

You see, you're
just like all men.

They're basically
opposed to marriage.

They reveal it in a
100 different ways.

Well, no, I think I've
kept it pretty well hidden.

Sweetheart, I'm
sorry, I couldn't resist it.

You say you've envied Moose
all these years unmarried,

that's why you're so delighted
that he's getting hooked...

I mean, getting married.

Darling, Moose doesn't
mean a thing to me,

I haven't thought
about him in 20 years.

Any rate, he's nothing to
get into an argument about.

Oh, well, I guess you're right.

Ah, there's only one girl in
the world for me, you know that.

I never even looked at
another girl, never would.

- Alex.
- Yeah?

How many girls were
there in The Student Prince?

Twenty-three.

All fat.

The liver is very lovely today.

Are you sure it's
absolutely fresh?

My husband...

If it was any fresher it
would be walking around.

Well, I don't know.

My husband is so particular.

Donna.

Madeline. I haven't
seen you in days?

I know.

Don't ask me what
I've been doing,

but I've been simply frantic.

Oh, Jack stopped by yesterday,

we visited with him
for a few minutes.

I know.

He's been carrying
on like a two-year-old

about this wedding
of Moose Edwards.

You'd think no one
ever got married before?

I know, Alex too.

Uh, Mrs. Stone. Have you made
up your mind about the liver?

- Uh...
- You know him, I suppose?

- Who?
- Moose Edwards.

Oh, no, no, I've never met him.

You have missed anything.

I sat next to him once in
a football game in the rain.

It's very nice and I'm
sure the doctor would...

Fancies himself quite a
lady-killer and so I was told.

Failed to slay me.

Mrs. Stone, you
could see for yourself...

The way Jack carries
on about Moose,

well he's the greatest
thing that ever happened.

And when he got the invitation,
he almost went out of his mind.

He was besides himself
this morning when he found

- he was going to have to go out
of town on a business trip.
- Well...

He's going to
try to cut it short

so he can get
back in time for it.

Well, naturally, Jack doesn't
want to miss the wedding.

The wedding?

I'm talking about
the bachelor dinner

and I can just
imagine what goes on

at any bachelor dinner
Moose is connected with.

Bachelor dinner?

Yes, Jack and Alex and
all the boys are going to it.

Alex?

Well, Alex isn't going
he hasn't been invited.

Not invited?

Well of course he is,
Jack told me he was.

That's strange,

Alex hasn't said
anything. I'm sure that if...

He hasn't mentioned it?

Tell me what does
go on at these affairs.

That's the maddening
thing, they won't tell you.

It isn't hard to imagine,

I mean, if they
won't even tell you.

Alex never got to his.

He was an intern

and got called out on
an emergency operation.

Excuse me.

How would they feel if
we carried on that way

every time somebody got married?

I can just hear them.

They expect us to sit at
home while they cavort

and carry on like idiots,
isn't that right Lou?

I'm a butcher, not a judge.

Now, about this liver...

Oh, give me some stew meat
that's plenty good enough for him.

Shall I wrap up the
liver Mrs. Stone?

No, I'll take some
stew meat too.

How are things at the hospital?

Oh, fine, fine.

Anything new happened?

No, no, nothing new.

No interesting mail or anything?

No and why do you ask?

Oh, I'm just trying to
make conversation.

Oh.

Anything new with you?

Oh, nothing in particular.

I ran into Madeline
at the butcher shop.

Oh, what does she have to say?

No, nothing in particular.

Why do ask?

- Uh, you said you ran into her.
- I did.

Well, you ran
into her every day,

why do you make it
such a point out of it.

I'm not making such
a point of anything,

you're the one that's
making such a point of it.

Madeline says that Jack is
going out of town on business.

He might not be back in
time for the bachelor dinner.

Oh, what bachelor dinner.

Is there more than
one bachelor dinner?

Oh, Moose Edwards.

Yes, Moose Edwards.

Yeah.

Well, that's a shame.

Well, isn't it strange that
you haven't been invited

when you were
such close friends.

As a matter of fact, I have.

Oh.

Well, isn't it odd that
you've kept it from me?

No, I haven't, I just told you.

Why didn't you tell me before?

Well, I just found
out this morning.

I've been out of
the house all day.

Well, you could have
called me and told me.

Why? I haven't decided
whether I'm going.

You could have told
me before dinner.

Is there something to hide?

Well, if you must know,

I'm just trying to keep a
little peace around the house.

You get so upset every
time I mention Moose.

Now, who's upset.

I'm sorry, darling.

No, darling, it
was all my fault.

I'm sorry, I got so huffy.

No, the darn dinner. It
doesn't mean anything to me.

I just won't go.

Oh, but you should go.

Moose's feelings will
be hurt if you don't.

Let him be.

Moose's feelings don't
matter compared to yours.

Well, I hate to have you
miss the bachelor dinner

because of me.

Oh, no, look darling, if
you feel so strongly about it,

I just will go, no great loss.

I feel so guilty about it.

Oh no, you mustn't
feel guilty about it,

after all, you can't help it.

For some people might feel that
you're being a little unreasonable,

emotional about this but not me.

Alex...

Well, I feel that you're
feeling a little childish

and perhaps somewhat irrational,
but I wouldn't agree with them.

I suppose you're being just
splendid about the whole thing.

So, you wouldn't agree
with them whoever they are.

No, I wouldn't.

You just listen to
me, Dr. Alex Stone;

you're going to
that bachelor dinner

- because I insist upon it.
- But darling...

I don't want to argue about
it, you're going and that's final.

And I want you to
have a wonderful time.

Mary, you won't be
late, will you dear?

No, Mother, the kids will
probably stop at the Malt shop

after the movie, but I'll
be home right after that.

Oh, fine.

Oh, gee mom, I hate to
leave you home all alone,

I mean, with daddy
going out and everything.

Oh, don't worry about me.

It will do your father
good to get out;

men should be with
men once in a while.

You mean, daddy would
rather be with a bunch of men

than with you?

Oh no, of course not,

but you see Moose
Edwards is an old friend

and well it's his duty to go,

I mean, he has to go even
though he'd rather stay home.

Yes, of course, mother.

Oh, there are the kids.

- Goodnight honey.
- Goodnight mommy.

Bye.

Well, did things go today?

Oh, terrible, worst
day I ever had.

Oh, what happened?

The clinic balled up
all my appointments

I never get to lunch.

Poor darling, no wonder
you're so unhappy.

- What's that?
- Oh, nothing.

Why do they insist on you
dressing for these affairs

when they don't allow women?

Old Roman custom.

Did the Romans start it?

I don't know, they probably did.

They're pretty good
at that sort of thing.

What sort of thing?

I don't know.

You know, Roman
holiday, all that kind of stuff.

Oh, those boys know
how to live, they did.

Oh, Madeline it's you.
I was expecting Jack.

No, Jack left an hour ago.

He's spent all dressed and ready
since about four this afternoon,

like a child going to
his first birthday party.

Not all men.

He took a jet.

If there'd been no jet,

he'd probably have
himself shot out of a canon.

You girls are going to
keep each other company?

Nobody else is apparently.

Where's Jack?

Oh, he's already there
waiting for the doors to open.

Yeah? Well, goodnight darling.

All right, you don't
want me to go, fine.

I just assume stay
home, relax, take it easy.

I've have a tough day and
the thought of not going out

is very appealing
at this moment, so...

Don't take your tie off
dear, you're late already.

Oh, my gosh.

I think it's good for husbands

to be away from their
wives once in a while.

Oh, so do I.

It might teach them a lesson.

They get so used to taking
everything for granted like,

being waited on hand
and foot all the time.

Let them find
out what it's like.

You're right.

Let's do something.

You know, we can enjoy
ourselves without our husbands.

Well, of course we can.

Let's not just stand
here and mope,

let's play two-handed solitaire.

- Good idea, that'll be fun.
- Of course it will.

Let's live a little.

What do you suppose
they're doing now?

I don't know.

It's not fair, men
have all the fun

since the moment they're born.

The first party you went
to when you were a kid,

who had all the fun?

Hooping and tearing
around like Indians

where we had to
keep our dresses clean.

I sound bitter
it's because I am.

Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, has anybody seen Moose?

Well, I called his
hotel a little while ago,

but he hadn't checked in yet.

Boy, that Moose,
what a character.

Say, the things
he used to get into.

He was never happy unless
he was in a jam of some kind.

Every policeman
in town knew him.

- Yeah.
- Shh, wait a minute.

He already comes now.

- Get ready now.
- Shh.

For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow,

for he's a jolly good fellow.

Hello, fellows.

How are you?

Jack, it's very nice of
you to give me this dinner.

Bill, hello there.

Bob, Tom. Oh,
it's good to see...

Dan, hello there.

Moose?

I wonder what they're doing now?

I hate to think.

I read all about it in this book

I got at the library
this afternoon.

Read it. It will open your eyes.

I don't think I will.

I bet Alex has.

Of course, he's a doctor.

Doctors get away
with murder too.

It isn't just salesman.

Oh, I'm not worried about Alex.

Well, I'm not
worried about Jack.

Just the idea of the thing.

Why don't we call
up a bunch of girls

and have them come over
and play bridge or something.

Yeah.

But then they just
be a bunch of girls.

You're right.

It takes men darn it.

I know.

You know what's
the matter with us,

we've been married too long.

We don't know what
to do with ourselves.

- Well, that's the trouble
with the whole civilization?
- What?

I don't know.

Oh, I guess I'll go
home and wash my hair.

Are you going to wash yours?

It doesn't need it really.

I'm sure glad you
came over, Madeline.

Me too.

It was fun.

Yeah.

Cigar, Moose?

No, thank you.

Don't tell me you've
given up smoking too?

Gave it up 11 years ago.

No, gentleman, those
days are gone forever.

A sound mind and a sound body.

That's my motto.

I'm in the insurance game now

and I could give
you fellows figures

that would just stagger you.

Do you realize that
87% of the population

has subnormal health standards

because they do not
get enough exercise?

Forty-two percent don't
get enough sleep, 65...

Uh-hmm.

Gentlemen, Moose has
been giving us a lot of figures,

but I would like to remind
him of some other figures.

I speak specifically
of a little incident,

which took place in a
restaurant right near the campus.

Jack, you're not going
to tell that story now.

That was the year
Moose was a freshman.

I may also point out that was
the year Moose left college.

Well, it seems that Moose
went into the restaurant

and he claimed to be a
talent scout from Hollywood.

And he told one of
the waitresses that he...

Doctor...

I'm sorry Maurice, if I'm late.

That's quite all right, doctor.

Gentlemen, may I present
my future father-in-law

Dr. Wiggins.

Gentlemen, I believe
you know them all sir?

I'm acquainted with most of them

on the golf course
if not in church.

- And won't you take
the seat of honor, sir...
- Thank you.

Please sit down.

Oh, what you were speaking.

Oh, yes, yes.

Well, these waitresses,
I'm these three young ladies,

they all want to go to Hollywood
and Moose... I mean Maurice,

he told that... well, what
really happened was...

Of course, it was all in fun

because Moose, I mean Maurice,

he actually didn't
expect them to believe

that he was a talent scout.
That was all part of the joke.

And well,

actually the fellow who
knows most about this incident

was Maurice's roommate
at college actually

and why don't we
hear from old Alex.

Oh, well, uh-hmm,

it, uh, it was all
quite innocent really.

I mean there was nothing wrong
with old Moose... uh Maurice

telling the girls that
he was a talent scout.

I mean, it wasn't
actually a lie, it was just,

uh, you know, kidding.

Well, anyway, he
had one of the girls

give a dramatic
reading of the menu.

Well, I mean, he wasn't...
didn't exactly promise her a job,

uh, and I guess it is true

that Hollywood is always
looking for new faces.

And then he said that
he only had one contract

and so they would have
to decide among them

who should get it

because he... well they were
all so beautiful and talented

that he couldn't
make the decision.

As a matter of fact,
I forget how it ends.

Now, why don't we hear
from our guest of honor,

Dr. Wiggins.

Oh.

Well, gentlemen this has
been a happy occasion

and in keeping with the mood

of life and happy spirit

I'd like to tell you a
very amusing story.

It was told to me
in a conversation

I had with the bishop.

Of course, I can't tell it
is as well as the bishop.

It seems that there
were two diplomats,

each representing his
own countries viewpoint.

But one of them,
said to the other,

uh, "we would be glad to
enter into a reciprocal trade pact

with your country

if you would allow us
to pay you in lemons."

Oh, by the way, you see lemons

were the main
product of this country.

And so the other diplomats said

that they would be glad
to accept his lemons

if in turn he would
allow them to pay in figs.

Men!

Well, how was
your bachelor party?

Oh, all right, I guess.

Just all right?

As a matter of fact darling,

that was about
the dullest evening

I've ever spent in my life.

- Really?
- Uh-hmm.

If you don't believe ask
the Reverend Dr. Wiggins,

he was there?

What was Dr. Wiggins
doing there?

Moose's future father-in-law.

Oh.

How about you and Madeline,
did you have a nice time?

Oh, it was all right.

But you know I don't think
girls ever have as much fun

with other girls as
men do with men.

Darling, men don't have
that much fun together either.

You know, darling,

this is the nicest moment
I've had all evening.

Well, I guess it's all right

for girls to be with
girls once in a while

and for men to be with men.

Hmm, once in a while.

The most fun is girls
and boys, isn't it?

Uh-hmm.