The Donna Reed Show (1958–1966): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Football Uniform - full transcript

Make way for the
Shanghai Express.

You're not giving that
to the auction, are you?

I am.

- You just bought it last year.
- I know.

I had some fantasy

about using it to announce
chop-suey dinners.

Oh, brother, what a
waste of money that was.

Oh, no. This is the
blue-chip stock of the auction.

Every year, it declares
a dividend for charity.

Don't quote me,

but what I'd really like
to give is this thing here.



Well, why don't you?
It's terrible, Mother.

Well, it was a wedding
present, and your father loves it.

No. I wouldn't want
to hurt his feelings.

Honestly, you're both so
sentimental, it's ridiculous.

Hmm, well, maybe.

What are you going to give?

Oh, just some of the crazy junk

I was passionately
fond of as a child.

Such as what?

Oh, well, this Kewpie doll I
got at the carnival last summer.

It's so vulgar.

I mean, really. Purple feathers.

Well, if anybody wants
me, I'll be at the hospital.

I have a consultation.



All right, dear.

What's all this? For your
collection center again?

There's my oven.

Well, I guess I'd better
have a consultation

with my chocolate cake.

Oh, chocolate cake. You
need the help of a specialist?

No, thank you. There
are no complications.

What are you giving to the
auction this year, Daddy?

I don't know.

Let's see.

There's an old fly rod
out in the garage that...

Tell you what I
wish we could give.

What?

This monstrosity.

- What?
- Don't quote me.

It was a wedding present

your Mother's very,
very sentimental about.

My mother?

It's never been out
of the living room

since we were married.

She's crazy about it.

Oh, boy.

Alex, do you have any
suggestions for the auction?

Yeah. I thought I'd
give my old fly rod.

Oh, good.

What else, Daddy?

I can't think of anything.

Can't you think of
anything either, Mother?

Well, I don't know
what you mean, dear.

Well, let's see.

How about this?

- Oh, of course not.
- Oh, no.

We'd never give this.

- I should say not.
- Never.

When you're a little older,
dear, you'll understand.

Oh, I may never grow up.

Here's what I'm
gonna give the auction.

- Your football?
- No, my rocket.

Your rocket? But that's
practically brand-new.

That old thing?

That old thing? I just bought
it for you two weeks ago.

Well, it wasn't as much
fun as I figured it would be.

Besides, now all the
kids are playing football.

- Jeff.
- Mom, please.

All the kids are waiting
for me. See you later.

Well, be home early.

Well, there went 2
bucks into outer space.

Why did you buy it for him?

Well, two weeks ago, this rocket
was a matter of life and death.

Oh, honey, he's got you pegged.

The heart of gold,
the soft touch.

Easy mark.

Oh, well, who was the easy mark

that bought him
that set of oil paints?

When a boy shows an
interest in something creative...

That interest lasted
exactly one rainy afternoon.

All right, all right,
we're both guilty.

We've been overindulging
him, and we've got to stop it.

Well, you're right. It's time
you started overindulging me.

You know, I'd love
some new clothes.

From now on, we're not
overindulging anybody.

- Agreed?
- Agreed.

The next time Jeff comes
to me with his hand out,

all he's going to get is a
firm, friendly handshake.

All right, you guys,
let's get it right this time.

If the backfield can't even
do it, we'll have to give up.

1, 2, 3, shift.

4, 5, 6, shift.

7, 8, 9, shift.

Hike!

Listen, Eddie, if you
can't stop fumbling,

I'm gonna put you on the bench.

Yeah? And who will you
get to replace me with?

Henry Gibson's
sister, that's who.

She's about the best
halfback in the neighborhood.

We could use her.

This is gonna be a tough
season for the Bobcats.

And that Alder Street
game's gonna be rough.

- Those guys are good.
- And big.

They just look big
'cause they got uniforms.

Don't kid yourself.

Have you seen their
fullback, "Two Ton" Waters?

He must weigh at
least 100 pounds.

Hey, here comes Tom Ellis.

- Hi, Tom.
- Hi, Tom.

Hiya, small fry.

Hey, how's high school?

Oh, it's nothing special.

Us sophomores figure
it's just a tall grade school.

Did you make the team?

Sure. Good chance I'll
be first-string quarterback.

- Wow!
- First string, wow!

How's it look for the
Bobcats this season?

Well, we got our
work cut out for us.

Yeah, we're playing
Alder Street in three weeks.

Alder Street?

Boy, when I was
wearing old number 11,

that was a pretty big game.

Old number 11.

I guess you were just
about the best quarterback

the Bobcats ever had.

Well, I don't know.

Who was any better?

You got me there.

Still wearing the
old blue and gold?

Well, not exactly.

Well, what colors
are you wearing?

Well, we don't exactly
have any uniforms.

No uniforms at all?

Oh, I got my dad's helmet.

And Mike's got a
couple of kneepads.

Not anymore. He
lost one of them.

Boy, things have sure changed

since I was wearing
old number 11.

In those days, we
had pride in our team.

- We got pride in our team.
- Darn right.

We got a great team!

All right, I'll take
your word for it.

Well, good luck.

You gonna come and
see us play Alder Street?

I kind of think I'll be busy.

Oh, he's right.

We ought to have uniforms.

We don't look like
a football team.

We look like a bunch
of raggedy kids.

When my pop gets home,
I'm gonna ask him for one.

- So am I.
- Me too.

Well, hold it. What's
the matter with you guys?

Don't go to your father.

Go to your mother.

The mother's always
a pushover for the son.

Not mine.

When I ask my mom for something,

she says, "Ask your
father, ask your father."

Well, you just don't
come out and ask her.

You use a little psychology.

Like what?

Well, like, my mom's always
telling me to clean up my room.

By the time I get around
to it, she's already done it.

So?

So, I tell her it's terrific,

that she's the best
mother in the whole world.

It makes her feel good,

and then she's ready
to do something for me.

I still think I'll ask my dad.

Well, okay.

But remember when
we all asked for rockets?

I got mine. Did you?

Maybe my dad doesn't like me.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Jeff.

Did you wipe your feet?

No wonder I'm always
needing new shoes.

I wear them out at the doormat.

But you're right.

You always keep a nice house,

and I'm proud to
bring my friends over.

Well, thank you.

I'm always glad to have them.

Boy, that chocolate
cake sure looks good.

You're about the
best cook I know.

Thank you again.

And the prettiest, too.

I may not be the prettiest,

but with all this buttering
up, I'm the slipperiest.

You're pretty smart, too.

It runs in the family.

Now, what's on your mind?

Well, you're a mother, right?

Right.

- And I'm a son, right?
- Right.

And you and me are
pretty close, right?

Right.

So today we're gonna go and
buy me a football uniform, right?

- Wrong.
- Aw, Mom, why not?

I priced them on my way home.

They're only $22.

$22!

Jeff, it's time you learned

you're not going to get
everything you ask for.

Well, of course not.

Just the important
things, like this uniform.

Yeah, well, two weeks
ago, it was the rocket.

Today, it's the uniform.

No, you just... You've
been to the well

just once too often.

Aw, Mom, let's go
over this once more.

Now, you're a mother
and I'm a son and that's...

That's enough.

Oh, Mom, you're ruining
my reputation with the guys.

Can your son at least have a
little piece of chocolate cake?

Not till dinner.

After all the things
I've done for you.

Yes, but before you do
one other thing for me,

I want you to go upstairs
and clean up your room.

If I could live this day
over again, I'd turn it down.

What a setback for psychology.

You can relax now, Mrs.
Turnbull. She's doing fine.

Oh, I'm so glad I
came to see you.

I was worried sick.

There's nothing to worry about.

I can tell by the X-ray, it'll
all be over in a day or so.

That's wonderful.

Not only for Susie's sake,
but it's a very valuable earring.

- Goodbye, Doctor.
- Goodbye, Mrs. Turnbull.

- Bye, Susie.
- Bye.

Oh, as a bit of preventive
medicine, Mrs. Turnbull,

I suggest you keep
your jewelry case locked.

Goodbye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Goodbye, Mrs. Turnbull.

Boy, oh, boy, Pop, you
sure have a way with people.

Well, thank you. I
do my humble best.

No kidding, Pop.
You're terrific.

Not only as a doctor,
but with everyone...

With your family, your friends.

If you're gonna make
a speech, I'll sit down.

Well, the reason is, you
just don't think about yourself.

You're always thinking about
other people and their problems.

You don't, by any
chance, have a problem.

Well...

My reactions all right?

Oh, I hope so.

I'm worried about Mary.

Mary? What's the
matter with Mary?

Well, you know how
clothes-conscious she is.

How do you think she'd feel
if she saw her own brother

playing football
without a uniform?

Just in jeans and
an old sweatshirt.

- She'd be embarrassed to death.
- Well, natch.

All her friends laughing
at her, making fun of her.

Look, Jeff, I love Mary
as much as you do,

and I wouldn't cause her any
embarrassment for the world.

But the answer is no.

Oh, Pop, I got to
have a uniform.

It's a matter of life and death.

So was that rocket.

Why does everybody keep
talking about the rocket?

Because from now on,
we're going to stop buying you

everything that
pops into your head.

If you want that uniform,
you'll have to earn the money.

They cost $22.

You've got three weeks.

You can mow lawns,
wash cars, trim hedges.

It wouldn't kill you.

No, but it would
sure be a lot of work.

Well, let's think
of it this way.

You'll be doing it for Mary.

The trouble with this
family is they're all too smart.

- Hello, Mrs. Cooper.
- Hi.

Well, how's that
fine son of yours?

Oh, Danny's just fine.

I mean, he's just beautiful.

I mean, he's the most
wonderful baby in the world.

Sometimes when I stop and
think that he's actually mine,

I just get scared.

You know, the responsibility.

Oh, you needn't be scared.

Why, Danny's the
healthiest baby I ever saw.

I mean, he's so coordinated.

You know what he
did this morning?

He stuck both of his fists in
the cereal at the same time.

Isn't that unusual?
I mean, at his age?

Mrs. Cooper, do you
know what I said to myself

the first time I saw your baby?

No. What?

I said, "Now, there's a baby."

Really?

Shall I give him his shot now?

No, he isn't here just now.

Well, he's out earning
money for his football uniform.

I'll have him call you.

Yes, I'll tell him it's crucial.

Bye.

Oh, Mary, take that thing off.

Don't you think I look like
a femme fatale, Mother?

The ponytail gives you away.

Boy, are we ever gonna
have an auction this year.

All the white elephants in town

are going to move
one attic to the left.

No white elephants for me.

I'm gonna bid on something
practical and beautiful.

Yeah? Such as what?

This mirrored tissue box.

You know, these
are real clam shells?

That's a very good choice.

I just don't understand how
Mrs. Barclay could give it up.

- Hi!
- Hi, Jeff.

Johnny Morton ca...
What happened?

Oh, I just made 50
cents the hard way...

Washing Perkins' dog.

That's the meanest dog
in the whole neighborhood.

Well, how do you
think I got 50 cents?

My usual price is a quarter.

Mr. Perkins threw all these
bandages in for nothing.

Why doesn't Mr. Perkins
wash his own dog?

'Cause he's scared of him.

How much have you
earned so far, Jeff?

Only $2.50.

By the time I get
$22, I'll be a wreck.

Well, don't wash any more dogs.

Okay.

I was born too late.

Tom Ellis told me that
when he got his uniform,

they only cost $14.

Oh, I'll get it.

It's probably just some
more stuff for the auction.

Hey, how do I look?

Well, just fine.

Who is it?

Eddie. Eddie Barclay.

Holy smoke, Eddie.

Where'd you get it?

My dad bought it for me.

Well, how come? I thought you
had to earn the money like me.

Didn't you hear the news?

Didn't Johnny Morton phone you?

Yes, he phoned.

What's the news?

Johnny's uncle
works on the paper.

Johnny talked to him.

They're gonna take
a picture of the team.

- When?
- Thursday.

And they're gonna
print it in the paper.

Thursday?

Sure.

When my dad found out about it,
he bought my uniform right away.

Well, that's great.

Three of the other guys
were getting their uniforms

at the same time I got mine.

Well, swell.

By Thursday, practically
everybody will have one.

When you getting yours?

Well, I don't know exactly.

Well, see you later.

I'm going down to the drugstore

to see who's reading
the comic books.

They might want
to see my uniform.

Goodbye, Mrs. Stone.

Bye, Eddie.

So long.

Thursday's only three days away.

Well, when they
take the picture,

couldn't you stand
in the back row?

I'm the captain.

The captain stands in the
front row holding the football.

Jeff.

Yes?

There's some of that
chocolate cake left.

Would you like a piece?

No, thanks.

Gee.

Why couldn't he be
captain of a swimming team?

Alex, are you busy?

Hi. What can I do for you?

Nothing. I just
stopped by to say hello.

Hello.

Hello.

My, Tom Ellis certainly
started something

with all that talk about
uniforms, didn't he?

As a matter of fact, I am busy.

Well, I thought you'd
want to hear the news.

There's going to be a picture of
the team in the paper this week.

One of the boys arranged
it through an uncle.

So most of the fathers are
buying uniforms for their sons.

I can see where Jeff acquired
his delicate, subtle approach.

Well, can't you
just see the boys

clipping out the pictures
and starting scrapbooks?

And then one of these days,

Jeff will be showing
it to his children.

Time sure flies.

And they'll say, "Daddy,

who's that poor little
boy without a uniform?"

Hey, wait. Are you trying to
make me the heavy in this thing?

Of course not.

I'm being just as unreasonable
and stubborn as you are.

Now, listen, we're not being
unreasonable and stubborn.

When you take a
stand on an issue,

you've got to stick to it.

That's our decision,
and that's it.

Yes, dear.

Hello, Mrs. Ellis,
this is Donna Stone.

Oh, I'm fine, thank you.

I hear Tom made
the high-school team.

Isn't that marvelous?

Oh, yes, I'm crazy
about football.

But what I really called you
about was the charity auction.

Yes, well, we're collecting
anything that can be sold.

Clothes, for instance.

Now, I'm sure Tom has outgrown
a lot of his things, such as...

Oh, I don't know...
His old football uniform.

- Jeff.
- Yes, Mother?

Could you carry this carton
to the car for me, please?

Okay.

My, we certainly got a
lot of things, didn't we?

Yeah.

Wait. I think I can get one
more thing in that carton.

Here.

Hey, where'd that come from?

- Where'd what come from?
- Well, that football helmet!

Where'd it come from?

Oh, well, it came with
the rest of the football gear.

Holy smoke!

A complete uniform!

Yes, well, it isn't new, though.

Tom Ellis used to wear it.

Tom Ellis!

Old number 11.

Do you think
anyone will bid on it?

Are you kidding?

Me. My whole bankroll.

Here.

Look. It's gonna fit me perfect.

Oh, good.

Sure hope nobody bids
more than two and a half.

Oh, well, that is a
possibility, isn't it?

Well, sure.

Anybody would give his right
arm to own this football suit.

Jeff, you know, your
father and I decided

you should earn your uniform.

You bet I know.

But you've worked so
hard that I'm going to match

what you've earned,
but only as a loan.

Now, here's two and a half.

Oh, boy.

I'll discuss it with
your father later,

after you have the uniform.

So don't say anything
to him until I do.

Okay, Mom.

You've restored
my faith in mothers.

I've got to go get
dinner started.

We don't want to be
late for that auction.

- Hi, Jeff.
- Hi, Pop.

Look what I'm
gonna bid on tonight.

Hey, that's a dandy.

It's old number 11.

Tom Ellis used to wear it.

Wonder how it got here.

Oh, I guess you were
just lucky, that's all.

You've earned
$2.50 so far, right?

That's right.

Well, the bidding might
go a little higher, you know?

Well, yeah, sure.

I tell you what.

I'm going to match
what you've earned.

No kidding?

It's just a loan, understand.
You have to pay it back.

Oh, thanks, Pop. You're swell.

Always thinking about other
people and their problems.

Thanks. I've heard that speech.

Now, I'm gonna be
late for the auction

because I have to
go to the hospital.

So don't say anything
about this to Mother until...

Until you get a chance
to discuss it with her.

That's right. How did you know?

Sometimes I get hunches.

Oh, yes.

Well, now, I have
had a bid of $3

on this beautiful Chinese gong.

Do I hear a bid of $4?

Oh, I have a bid of $4 from
the lady with a feather in her hat.

Do I hear four and a half?

I'll just die if I don't get it.

Well, good luck. I
know just how you feel.

I have four and a half.
I have four and a half.

Oh, darn it.

Who will make it $5?

I don't care how high I
have to go, I'm going to get it.

It is attractive.

Will somebody make it $5.50?

$5.50? Five and a half?

Are you all through?

It looks like you're
going to get it.

Going once for $5.

Twice for $5.

And sold to the lady with
the feather in her hat for $5.

- Pay the cashier, please.
- I got it! I got it!

What on Earth am I gonna
do with a Chinese gong?

Next, we have a special
for the boys in the house.

A football uniform, complete
with shoulder pads and helmet.

Oh, boy, this is
it. I got to get it.

I've got to get that tissue box.

Who will start
the bidding at $2?

I have a bid of $2 from
a boy in the third row.

Do I hear $3?

Do I get $3?

I have a bid of $3 from
a boy in the third row.

I didn't raise my hand.

He did.

Who will give $4?
Who will give $4?

Well, we have two live
ones in the third row.

Two young men who want
this uniform pretty badly.

And I don't blame them.

I don't blame them a
bit, ladies and gentlemen.

It's in beautiful condition,

and any young man
would be proud to wear it.

The bid is now $4.

Who will give $5?

I have a bid of $5.

I hope that's the last bid.
That's all the money my son has.

Do I get $6?

Will someone make it
$6 for this fine uniform?

I have a bid of $6.

Well, how about it, young man?

Are you gonna let
him get it for only $6?

You win.

I'm gonna wait and
bid on that rocket.

A wise move.

I'm loaded.

Who will make it $7?

Come on, boys, this is in
the sweet cause of charity.

Charity begins at home.

Now, who will make it $7?

Well, we have a new bidder.

$7 from the lady in
the back of the room.

Now, who will give $8?

Come on, boys, this
is a once-in-a-lifetime...

Holy cow. I've only
got seven and a half.

Oh, why don't the
grown-ups stay out of this?

Here's my dollar
and a half, Jeff.

I don't need that
tissue box, anyway.

Thanks, sis. You're a lifesaver.

Who will give $8?

I have a bid of $8.

Going at $8?

Oh, I have a bid of $9.

From another new bidder at
the side of the room, a gentleman.

I have $9. Will
somebody make it $10?

I have $10 from the lady
in the back of the room.

$10 has been bid. Can I get $11?

That's it. I'm dead.

Now, $10 has been bid.

Here's your money back.

I'm sorry, Jeff. I wish I
had more to give you.

I'm going home.

Well, this has developed
into a very lively item.

Can I get a bid of $11?

I'm going home, Mom.

$11 from the
gentleman at the side.

Who will make it
$12? Can I get $12?

- You, Mom? You're bidding?
- Yes.

I'm going to outbid that man
if it's the last thing I ever do.

Give me your money.

I have $12 from
the lady in the back.

Who will make it $13?
Will somebody make it $13?

The gentleman on the
side, will you make it $13?

I don't hear a bid of $13
from any of you nice people.

Can I get $13? Now,
I have a bid of $12.

You're not gonna let this
beautiful suit go for just $12.

Now, can I get a bid of $13?

Am I glad I found you.
Give me your money.

Some female's trying to
outbid me for that uniform.

Sorry, darling, not a cent.

Going once at $12.

Honey, please.
All I've got is...

Going twice at $12.

Sorry, darling.

And sold to the lady
in the back for $12.

You let the lady
get the uniform.

Alex, that was no lady.

That was your wife.

I sure hope I can live up
to good old number 11.

Oh, I'm sure you can.

You'll be the star of the team.

You know, there's
something about a uniform

that makes a fella feel
like a football player.

Well, you sure
look like one, Jeff.

I can hardly wait for
that Alder Street game.

Fading back for that long pass.

- Jeff!
- Hey!

Oh, my goodness.

By Jove, that was a near one.

Your mother would
have been very unhappy.

You mean your mother.

No. My mother
gave us the blankets.

But my mother gave
us the coffee maker.

You know...

we can live with
it one more year.