The Donna Reed Show (1958–1966): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Male Ego - full transcript

It is a love that asks no
questions, makes no demands.

Just giving is enough.

Although I'm talking
about my mother,

these sentiments
apply to all mothers.

Whenever a child
cries out in the night,

a guardian angel
comes rushing to its side.

Mother.

Are you a relative?

Just by marriage.

Millions of words
have been written

about the great
deeds of history,



but mothers,
especially my mother,

make blind sacrifices every day

that the world will
never know about

'cause there is no poet
around to record them.

Wow, she's really pouring it on.

Wasn't that beautiful?

Don't cry, dear.

We'll have a poet in once
or twice a week to record you.

I'm not crying over the speech.

I'm just so glad she's mine.

My father is a doctor who
often stays out late into the night

taking care of the
sick and the wounded.

And at 2:00 in the morning,

who sits huddled
on a kitchen chair



waiting for him to come
home and ready with hot milk?

Mother.

She is the strength of
our nation, our community,

and our family.

The most beautiful word
in the English language.

Mother.

Hot milk at 2:00 in the morning.

You know, when
she cried out at night,

I rushed to her crib
as often as you did.

I know, darling. But
how would it sound?

"A guardian angel. Daddy."

Hot milk.

Well, she probably
heard me mention that,

when the Larkin baby
was sick last week,

I waited up for you, and
we had some hot milk.

Wouldn't it have been more
dramatic to write an essay

about how her father
drove 18 miles in the rain

to sit up with a sick patient?

And when the storm
caused a power failure,

you did a tonsillectomy
on the kitchen table.

Darling, if I didn't
know you better,

I'd say your ego was wounded.

Don't be silly.

You women must
have a strong lobby.

Even the songs about
Mother are all gentle lullabies.

The ones about dear old Dad
can only be sung in barrooms.

- Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Dad.

Hi.

- Daddy.
- Hmm?

You didn't say much. Did
you really like my essay?

Well, honey, you
won first prize,

and I learned things
about Mother I never knew.

He loved it, Mary.

He hasn't stopped talking
about it since we got home.

I was very proud, baby.

I thought it was corny.

Why, Jeff, Mary said
some beautiful things.

Don't you feel that
way about Mother?

Well, sure, but do I have
to drool for 20 minutes

just to prove it?

I don't trust people who
make speeches, anyway.

Well, that's an interesting
philosophy. Why not?

Well, they're always talking
because they got nothing to say.

Oh, Mother, if you only
knew what a burden he is.

Well, try and bear
up under it, dear.

It's time to go to bed. Come on.

- Good night, baby.
- Good night.

- Good night, Jeff.
- Good night, Dad.

- Night, Mom.
- Good night, sweetheart.

Sleep tight.

Good night.

I never touched her.

Just his way of
saying good night.

Why can't they love each
other the way we love them?

How did you get along
with your younger brother?

"Oh, Mother, if you only
knew what a burden he is."

Honey, I decided what I'm
going to get you for your birthday.

A thermos for hot milk.

A suit.

You need another one.

Look, the sleeves on
this are beginning to fray.

Don't fight me. I've got my
heart set on that thermos.

Mother.

"Whenever a child
cries out in the night,

a guardian angel
will rush to its side."

I think we'll have to keep
Randy away from strawberries

for a while.

Randolph, stop scratching.

I'll give you some
lotion for that rash.

Gee, Doctor, I
like strawberries.

Can't I stay away from carrots?

Randolph, stop scratching.

Randy, my tests show
that you're allergic.

Do you know what allergic means?

Sure. My father sneezes every
time Mom wears her fur coat.

He's not allergic.

He's hated it ever since
my mother bought it for me.

Randolph, stop scratching.

Here. This should help
relieve that itch a little.

Thank you, Doctor.

Oh, Doctor, Mary's essay
last night was simply wonderful.

Everybody's talking about it.

Oh, yes, your oldest
son is in Mary's class.

Thank you, Mrs. Carson.

When she talked about a
mother's sacrifice, I cried like a baby.

How did your husband react?

He just kept on sneezing.

He hates my fur coat.

Oh, Doctor, do you think
men really appreciate

having a precious
jewel around the house?

I'm quite happy with Mrs. Stone.

Happy?

Why, when a man
is married to a saint,

he should get down on
his knees three times a day

and thank heaven.

- Come on, Randolph.
- Goodbye, Randy.

In a little while, maybe we'll
have you back on strawberries.

Randolph, stop scratching.

Alex.

Coffee.

You used the door
like an ordinary mortal.

Why didn't you just
pass through the wall?

Well, Doctor, you intrigue me.

What are you talking about?

Mrs. Carson heard
Mary last night.

It seems I have a saint, a
precious jewel around the house.

Oh. Why don't you have me
insured for burglary and theft?

Well, because in case of loss,

they'd probably replace
you with a striking blonde,

and I've grown
accustomed to your face.

I think I'll tear down
the ping-pong table

and erect a shrine.

And I'm glad you're
beginning to appreciate me.

Hi, Doctor.

- Hello, Mac.
- Hello, Mac.

How are you, Mrs. Stone?

I'm fine. How's Mrs. McNamara?

Like always. Griping.

Running a house, raising kids,

serving on committees,
working at the hospital,

and you still find time
to cheer your husband up

with a cup of coffee.

Mac, you can make the first
contribution towards the shrine.

I'm not kidding, Doc.

I hope you appreciate
this little girl.

Mac, you weren't by any chance

at the school auditorium
last night, were you?

No, but I just delivered some
cleaning to Mrs. Chandler.

She was there.

In the row behind us. She
borrowed your handkerchief.

Mrs. Chandler started to
tell me about the essay.

Didn't mention any names,

but as soon as she got to
hot milk at 2:00 in the morning,

I said, "Mrs. Stone."

Actually, Mac, Dr. Stone
had to drive one night

in a blinding snowstorm,

and when he got there, the
water and the electricity were off.

That's another thing, Doc.

She's always
making you look good.

Alex, you're due at
the clinic in 10 minutes.

You see, Doc, in my business,
I see women at their worst.

In the morning.

But whenever I deliver
some cleaning to Mrs. Stone,

that wonderful smile.

I dance through my
route the rest of the day.

See you Tuesday.

- Bye, Mac.
- Bye, Mac.

Well, how lucky can a man get?

A wife who makes women sob
and men dance through the streets.

Alex, I didn't write
Mary's speech.

Are you sure?

You are the most
wonderful husband,

the most fascinating man,

and I am a shell of a
woman you breathe life into

by your mere presence.

How's that?

Terrible.

When I'm unreasonable,
do you have to be noble?

Well, I'll see you after lunch,

and then we'll go pick
up your suit, okay?

One of these
days, I might try it.

What?

Passing through the wall.

And Susan said her mother
wants me to repeat my essay

at the Women's Club luncheon.

That would be nice, dear.

Sure. Chicken à la
king and a good cry.

Why do women cry so much?

Oh, Jeff, they're gentle,
sensitive creatures.

Oh, boy.

Mother, may I stay at
Susan's house tonight?

Well, I guess so.

If you don't stay up
all night chattering.

Oh, thank you. You're an angel.

Excuse me.

It's all right with me.

Hey, can I go to the movies
this afternoon with Herbie?

Jeff, why don't you
ask your father?

Well, Dad, if Mom says
it's all right, can I go?

Well, I thought
you might help me

construct a shrine
this afternoon.

But if Mother says it's okay...

Thanks, Mom.

Donna, I assume you've told
the children I'm their father.

Every chance I get, dear.

Oh, Alex, you wouldn't
want to be bombarded

with a million
details every day.

What ever happened to
those dim days beyond recall

when a man made decisions?

You can make one now. What
time should we go get your suit?

Women control the PTA.

They own 70% of
the nation's wealth.

They dictate where
we live, how we live.

How about the suit?

Today, the PTA.
Tomorrow, the world.

You know, there
used to be two sexes.

Now it's female and him.

Where are you going?

Oh, don't stop.
I'll be right back.

Good afternoon. May I help you?

Good afternoon. Yes.

Oh, I'd like to see a suit.
Something like this one.

You'd like another
one like that?

My husband looks
very well in gray.

He'll give it back to you.

Now, let me see.
You're about a 36 short.

39 regular.

I like it. What do you think?

I don't know.

Your shoulders slope a little.

But Carlos in our tailor shop
can do wonders with shoulders.

The suit's or mine?

I like that gray suit.

It's nice, Alex,

but you just don't buy
the first suit you put on.

Why not?

Well, I don't know.

You don't marry the
first girl you meet.

You do if you're short and
have sloping shoulders.

I like it.

What do you think, madam?

Well...

You're beginning
a little bulge here.

But our Carlos does
miracles with waistlines.

Pardon me.

We're in the wrong department.

They must have a
section for misfits.

Alex, couldn't we try on a
blue pinstripe just for size?

That's it.

That garment is you.
Don't you agree, madam?

Oh, I'm afraid I like it.

Makes me look too tall.

You're the one who
has to be pleased, sir.

Pardon me.

Now, Alex, you're
making this a personal feud

between you and the salesman.

And I'd like to get my
hands on that Carlos, too.

Oh, darling, it's your birthday,

and I want you to
have the suit you want.

But let's try on the blue
pinstripe just once more.

That salesman knew the
minute we came in here

we'd walk out with
a suit you liked.

Oh, well, I'll
tell him I hate it,

and you buy it over my protest.

Hi, Doc.

- Hiya, Jimmy.
- Donna, dear.

- Hello, Doctor.
- Hello, Myra.

Donna, Mary's essay
last night was inspirational.

As she talked, I relived
my life with Henry.

Thank you, Myra. I'm
sure she meant all mothers.

Doctor, that's a
very attractive suit.

Madam and I agree,

but the gentleman
prefers the gray one.

Oh, men and their taste. I have
the same problem with Jimmy.

I have a million things to do.

I'll see you at the
meeting on Tuesday.

- All right.
- Bye.

Jimmy, what has gotten into you?

What is the idea of doing this?

Perfectly good suits.
You could ruin them.

I'll see you with your
new blue suit, Doctor.

It's lovely.

Come, Jimmy.

The shoulders slope, my stomach
protrudes, and I'm too short,

so put a pair of cuffs on
it and send it out, hmm?

I liked it the
moment you put it on.

I don't agree with you, Alex.

I see new mothers every
day. Beautiful to watch.

Oh, I'm not against motherhood.

I just say that wives are
becoming too powerful.

It's turning into
a dictatorship.

Come on, Alex. There's nothing
like a wife around the house.

Always there when you get home.

Always helpful,
suggesting things.

Maybe that's why
I'm still a bachelor.

Hi. Thank you.

Just one of the
little attentions

a man pays the
woman he secretly loves.

Alex, at this point, shouldn't
you strike the bounder?

Just as soon as he helps
you with the second bag.

Now you know why I love
him so much. He's practical.

Hey, Donna, you know
the entire maternity ward

is buzzing over Mary's essay.

Oh, the nobility of motherhood.

Since yesterday, they
refuse to take anesthetics.

Coffee?

No, thank you.

Well, Alex has had an
entirely different reaction.

Oh, I tell you, that
boy's a radical.

He's a dangerous thinker.

Oh, even salesmen
instinctively know

it's the woman who
has to be pleased.

Now, how can you say that?

You picked out your
own suit, didn't you?

Picked out your own suit?

Struck a blow for the
emancipation of men everywhere.

Alex, I promise you
the word "mother"

will never be heard
in this house again.

I'll have the children
call me Mrs. Stone.

I think I'd better leave. I
can't stand street fights.

I'm Cole, Hank Cole
of the Daily Sentinel.

Oh, well, how do
you do, Mr. Cole?

We already take your paper.

Your daughter's
essay is great copy.

My editor wants me to do a
story on the modern woman.

The hand that rocks the
cradle will soon run the nation.

Well, that's a nice
compliment, Mr. Cole,

but I think a story like
that is a little premature.

Oh, this is my
husband, Dr. Stone,

and this is Dr. Graham.

Hank Cole. Hi, fellas.

- Hi.
- How do you do?

Mr. Cole's with the Sentinel,

and he wants to ask
me some questions.

Tomorrow?

I want to do a human-interest
story on Mrs. Stone.

My editor said, "Let the
rest of those papers play up

those hatchet murders.

We want to get our
readers right here."

Don't you have to go to
the hospital or someplace?

And miss the heartwarming story?

My angle is the modern woman.

No longer chained
to the kitchen,

but out there helping
run the community.

A new strong voice in
the affairs of our nation.

How does that sound, fellas?

You struck a nerve
close to my heart.

These are our
children, Mr. Cole.

This is Mary and Jeff.

- How do you do?
- Hi.

Hi, kids.

I'm gonna get a shot
of the whole family.

Right over here. Right
over here, Mrs. Stone.

Look, you sit down in the
chair right here. That's it.

And you be combing Mary's hair.

And, Jeff, you look as if you're
gonna ask your mother something.

Where do you want
Dr. Stone to stand?

Hmm? Doc?

Look, Doctor, you can
hold this light bar right here.

That's it. Hold the light bar.

There we go.

Okay, now, if you'll
all stay steady there.

That's it. Okay,
now we're all ready.

Now... Oh, back, back, men,
back, way back, way, way back.

Thataboys.

That's it. Okay,
hold it right there.

All right, look this
way, smile. That's it.

There we go.

Now, Mrs. Stone, I'd like
to get some shots of you

around the house,
getting up in the morning.

Say, maybe we can get
a shot in a bathing suit.

Human interest.

But first of all, I want to get
some shots of you and the doc.

Now, you got any
medical equipment around?

Well, yes. The office
is right through there.

The office, huh? Well, on to
the office we go, Mrs. Stone.

Let's go. We're on to
the ol' doc's office in here.

Come on, kids.

Hey, will you bring the
rest of that stuff in here?

Thanks very much.

Now, here we go on
to the ol' doc's office.

Isn't newspaper work fun?

Hank may get his newsbeat
on a hatchet murder after all.

Doctor Stone speaking.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Larkin.

Ah, here we go.
A piece of tubing.

Now, why don't you use this
on the kid like a tourniquet?

- You know how to do that?
- Of course she knows how.

Mother's a graduate nurse.

A graduate nurse.

Can take over for the
doctor in an emergency.

You over in the
corner. Right over here.

That'll be fine.

- What is it, dear?
- Just a house call.

And as long as you're busy
with an emergency, I'll go.

I wonder what I
can call this layout.

Wife, mother, community leader.

Why don't you just call it,

"How to sabotage
a happy marriage"?

Oh, thank heaven the
suit got here in time.

Oh, we're gonna make this the
nicest party Daddy's ever had.

Here he comes.

- Oh, Mary, get the lights.
- Okay.

Win, light the candle.

All right, Mary, you
stand here. Hurry.

Let me blow out the match.

Jeff, there. Win,
stand over here.

Hi, darling.

Donna?

Jeff? Mary?

Donna, where is everybody?

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday

- Dear Daddy - Dear Doctor

Happy birthday to you

Thank you, everybody.

Hi.

Well, can I open
my presents now?

No, no, no. Not yet.

Have a seat.

Oh, thank you, my friend.

You'd do the same for me.

Thank you. And thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we are gathered tonight

to pay homage to a man

who is loved and
respected by everyone here.

Hear, hear.

A man who has made a
living truth of the axiom,

"It is better to
give than receive."

I'm gonna need this.

Birthday parties and cakes
and presents are nice symbols.

Would the speaker on my
right please lay off the cake?

But what we're
trying to say tonight

is what this man
really means to us.

We will now hear from someone
very close to him, his son.

Well, folks, I hate
long speeches.

Oh, he just wants to
get to the cake faster.

He's the nicest pop
in the whole world.

Happy birthday, Pop.

Thank you, Jeff.

We will now have a few
words from his firstborn.

14 years ago, a little
girl came into this world,

- and the first...
- There she goes.

Jeff.

And the first thing she saw
was a tall, handsome man

standing there
with love in his eyes.

As this little girl grew
and took her first step

and spoke her first word,

she felt good because she
knew that for the rest of her life,

this man would always be...

This man would al...

Happy birthday, Daddy.

Thank you, baby. Here.

Happy birthday.

We will now hear from
a friend and co-worker,

Dr. Winfield Graham.

I fell very honored to be
the only outsider present

at this gathering.

I have known our guest
of honor through the years

as friend and colleague.

And I would like to
say that, on both counts,

it's been an experience.

Happy birthday, Alex.

The virtues of
our guest of honor

as friend and father have
already been extolled.

Now I would like to tell you

what it means to be
the woman in his life.

His quiet strength.

The knowledge that he's
always there when I need him.

The knowledge that I need him.

To the man in my
life, with all my love.

- Happy birthday, Alex.
- Thank you, darling.

Hurry up and open the presents
so we can get to the cake.

Here.

Let me help you.

There we go.

Let's have the birthday
cake first, and then...

Alex, there's been
a terrible mistake.

- I had nothing...
- What's wrong with it, Mother?

I think it's a very pretty
suit. Did you pick it out?

Alex, I give you my
word. I haven't talked...

I believe you. I believe you.

The salesman knew that
if he sent out the gray suit,

it would eventually be returned
because you didn't like it.

So he saved himself the trouble.

Yes, he is.

Dad, it's for you. It
sounds awful important.

Thank you, Jeff.

Dr. Stone speaking.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Larkin.

Oh? How long ago?

All right, wrap her
in warm blankets.

I'll be there as
quickly as I can.

- What is it, dear?
- The Larkin baby.

- Serious, Alex?
- Doesn't sound good.

See you all later.

- Bye, Dad.
- Bye, Daddy.

Hurry back.

How's the Larkin baby?

It was pretty rough going for
a while, but she'll be all right.

Well, what are they doing here?

Well, they wanted to be
here when you got home

because it's your birthday,

and I didn't have
the heart to say no.

Hi, Daddy. How's
the Larkin baby?

Fine, honey.

I hate speeches, but
it's a nice feeling to know

that when people are in
trouble, they call on your father.

I'd like to make a speech.

It'll be a short one.

You know, I've been the guest
of honor at many testimonials.

Why, just today, I had one.

But this one, spontaneous
with no speeches.

This one I'll never forget.

Thank you and good night.

- Good night, Daddy.
- Night, Dad.

- Good night, Mom.
- Night, Mom.

Good night.

Alex, I'm going to take
that suit back in the morning

and slug the salesman.

No. I think I'll
keep the blue suit.

After tonight,
suddenly, I feel very tall.

Where are you going?

I promise you
nobody will ever know,

but I think tonight you
deserve some hot milk.

Man does not live by milk alone.